The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another great and hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Mayhem Critic Christmas Month finishes up as Sean the Mayhem Critic and Lucas tackle Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas. Yeah, it's about time. And it's time for them to definitely rip this movie a new one. It's Sean and Lucas vs. the religious nutjob Kirk Cameron, in the mother of all reviews! So sit back, relax and grab yourself a cold one. This is the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this chapter. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas is owned by Camfam Studios, Liberty University, Provident Films, XDX2 and Samuel Goldwyn Films.
Episode 202
Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas
Announcer: Previously on The Mayhem Critic…
"Well, only one present left." Sean said as he looked down on the couch to see a DVD wrapped in gold wrapping paper. The young movie critic takes a moment to look at the gift before he turns his attention to the camera. "Yeah. I bet you all want to take a peek. Alright, let's take a peek, shall we."
Sean grabs the fourth and final gift. He tears part of the wrapping paper off, only to reveal Kirk Cameron's name. Sean looks at it as his eyes widened in shock from the sight of Kirk Cameron's name and he screams in horror like Scott the Woz. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
(We then cut to the Mayhem Critic intro. After the intro ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch in his living room as he unwraps the DVD, revealing the cover art for Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas. He takes a deep breath and sighed as he pours himself some alcoholic eggnog in his whiskey glass)
"Sean? Sean?" Taylor called out as she entered the living room, only to find Sean just sitting there looking at the DVD. "Oh, no. Not this movie."
"Yeah. That movie." Sean said.
"I thought you and Lucas said that you two weren't going to review it." Taylor said.
"I know." Sean said before drinking his eggnog. "I can tell you right now that this won't be pretty. It's gonna get ugly. Hell, things are about to get pretty dark real soon. I survived sitting through that goddamn Star Wars Holiday Special, I'm gonna sit through this piece of shit from this religious nutjob. But, I'm not doing this alone. I'm gonna call in some backup."
"Who are you going to call, Jaime…." Taylor said.
"Don't finish that name, bitch!" Sean exclaimed as he grabbed his phone and dialed the number. "Hey, it's me. It's time."
Silence suddenly filled the room for at least a few seconds, leaving Taylor awfully confused for a bit.
She remained silent for a few seconds before breaking off the tension, "Okay, I don't get who you called, but this is completely…"
Before she could say that last word however…
*BAM*
Sean's door broke down, revealing it to be Lucas, who is all dressed up in a snazzy SpongeBob Christmas Sweater, Chicago Bulls sweat pants and snowboots. He too had a very dreaded yet very determined look on his face.
"Is it that time?" Lucas asked.
Sean then said with a weakly nod, "I'm afraid so."
"Looks like it's as bad as we thought," Lucas nodded before entering the house and sitting beside Sean on the couch. "How bad are we talking about?"
"The bottom of the barrel bad," Sean gulped, "A movie that is considered so bad that it's widely considered to be one of, if not, one of the worst films that has EVER existed."
"Worse than The Room?" Lucas said.
"Worse than The Room." Sean nodded back.
"Worse than Battlefield Earth?" Lucas said once again.
"Oh, yeah," Sean nodded, "Worse than Battlefield Earth."
"Even worse than," Lucas paused before saying loudly in suspense, "LEONARD PART 6?"
Sean turned to Lucas and said, "Oh, trust me, this makes Leonard Part 6, Adventures of Pluto Nash and The Love Guru look like friggin' saints."
"Really?" Lucas raised his eyebrow.
"Really," Sean replied before looking to the camera, "So before we go where dead Christmas reindeer dare, let's talk about a man by the name of…"
Sean then took in another pause before saying with gritted teeth, "That guy…"
(A picture of actor Kirk Cameron is shown in a montage while the Growing Pains theme song plays.)
Sean: (Narrator) Yes, this skunk-ass laughing stock you're seeing right here is God's excuse of a flaming brimstone-scented fart, Kirk Cameron. If you're unfortunately unlucky enough to grow up in the mid '80s to early '90s, he was perhaps best known as Mike Seaver on the ABC sitcom Growing Pains that lasted from 1985 to 1992 for 7 seasons. Take note that this was the show that not also gave us a pre-Last of Us Ashley Johnson, but it was also the show that gave us the future King of the World and Wolf of Wall Street himself, Leonardo DiCaprio.
"Let's be honest, I honestly wished he stayed and Cameron left instead." Sean growled.
Lucas: (Narrating) Without the doubt, the show for a while ended up putting Kirk Cameron on the map. He was on various teen magazines, a high-profile movie with Dudley "Arthur" Moore himself in the 1987 movie Like Father, Like Son, and did we totally mention teen magazines? Because he was in high demand.
"But then somewhere right around the third season of the show," Sean replied feeling a little bored, "Kirk Cameron in real life suddenly had a bit of an… awakening. I'll let Brian Zane from Wrestling With Wregret explain it to you with just one word."
(A clip of Wrestling With Wregret plays showing Brian Zane.)
Brian Zane: *groans* Jesus…
Lucas smirked, "Yep, that's right, Zane. Ol' Kirky boy found Jesus. What did that mean for his acting career going on from here? Well… it's fucking complicated."
Sean: (Narrating) That means he had to edit out storylines that were too mature and adult for him to take in more of a family friendly approach, and he couldn't involve himself in romance or kissing scenes with another woman that wasn't his wife, which I'm pretty sure every single movie he's in has his own wife aka Chelsea Noble play a body double in order to make the kissing scenes more comfortable for him. This really pissed off the crew and his cast most of all to the point that neither Alan Thicke, Joanna Kerns, Jeremy Miller or Tracey Gold weren't even allowed at his own wedding. Hell, he was simply the reason Julie McCullough got fired from the show all because she posed for Playboy, which Kirk literally bitched at for nothing!
"The fact that I'm already fuming about Kirk Cameron makes me wish both Tracey Gold AND Julie McCullough kept themselves on the show and HE'D LEAVE instead," Sean still said with an upset angry tone, "So yeah, nowadays Kirk still acts mostly in poor crappy shitty faith-based films, which I have no desire to review at all since I'm ONLY doing this one time here tonight just to please the idiots who requested this in the first place. Hell, this ain't even a faith-based movie at all. And just looking at the cover is enough to make me drown in my own shit."
Sean then proceeded to take in another sip of beer to chug down his throat, just to calm his nerves down.
He then set his beer aside again and said, "Just remember the fact that I won't be held responsible for starting a massacre after this review when I clearly show you… THE WORST GODDAMN CHRISTMAS MOVIE EVER!"
Sean: (Narrating) Oh hell, where do we even begin with this one? Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas aka The Worst Thing To Ever Happen In Existence was released nationwide in 2014 to the surprise of NOBODY. It was directed by Darren Doane, who of course was most famous for directing music videos for Blink-182, which I assume is way more entertaining than watching this rotten piece of ass-fudge he regretfully directed. If you can list any worst movies in a countdown of some sorts, you can best be sure this is gonna be ranked number fucking one. Hell, this movie was literally nominated for every single Razzie and I can only bet it won every single one of them. If not, then it deserves to be. PERIOD.
"And did you all think I was gonna suffer alone, you ask?" Sean asked to the camera with a smirk across his lips, "Ah no, because co-reviewing this unholy filth with me tonight is my best friend and co-host of the Commercials specials, UltimateWarriorFan4Ever!"
Sean then motioned the camera towards Lucas, who was sitting right beside him looking very angry and pissed off himself with his arms crossed in pure rage.
"So, how are you feeling tonight, my good hombre?" Sean smirked to his friend, "Ready to help me suffer through this sludgy crap-covered nightmare?"
Lucas, still feeling restless and angry as ever, said with such gritting teeth, "I rather play fucking CastleVania Legends on Nintendo Switch Online instead."
"That's the spirit," Sean nodded to Lucas before looking towards the camera, "So with Lucas ready and I'm ready, let's try to keep our inner sanity intact as it is as we take a look at the movie that caused a lot more suicides than Vanilla Ice's entire career combined. But first things first…"
He soon took a pause only for Sean to get out of his chair and leave for the kitchen, while at the same time Lucas took in a big yawn out of pure boredom. Sean then came back with a six-pack filled with Samuel Adams Golden Lager for him to place on the middle of the couch.
"If you ask us, we came prepared for the worst." Sean replied as he grabbed a Sam Adams from the box, with Lucas doing the same thing.
After he twisted his cap off and took a big swig, Lucas smirked before saying to the camera, "Now let this Christmas shit-storm commence."
(The Samuel Goldwyn Films, Provident Films and Liberty University logos all pop up in order before switching over to Kirk Cameron, who is sitting next to a fireplace and a Christmas tree.)
Lucas: (Narrating) So after we get a good look at our good friends Samuel Goldwyn Films, Provident Films, and Liberty University, which claims they've been training champions of Christ since 1971 since I hardly see any proof of them ACTUALLY doing so, we get what seems to be a fictionalized version of Kirk Cameron sitting next to a fireplace greeting us with this rotten nightmare of a film.
"And yes, me and Sean are very aware that Kirk Cameron plays himself in a horrible Christmas movie," Lucas groaned. "It's the reason why this title is called Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas."
Sean then pointed to the camera, "So from now until the rest of the review, we will now be referring to Kirk Cameron as… Dirtface."
Lucas then replied with, "Same goes for the rest of his family."
(We see Kirk Cameron aka Dirtface sitting on a chair next to a fireplace and a Christmas tree.)
Dirtface (played by Kirk Cameron): Welcome, everyone. I am so glad you're here.
"Well, that's nice," Sean replied before crossing his arms and growled, "Can we fucking leave now?"
Dirtface: I love Christmas. I admit it, I love everything about Christmas time. I love the cookies, I love the fire, I love the presents, I love the stockings, I love the tree, I love the fudge, I love the lights, it's a great time for growing out the winter beard.
"Yeah, it's honestly sad enough the beard is the only best part of this movie so far." Lucas growled to the camera.
Dirtface: I love everything about it. I love the music, I love the carols and the hymns, I love all the kids. And I love the spirit in the air in Christmas time, wherever you go.
"I'm sure it's somebody farting in the background." Sean replied.
Dirtface: And I love hot chocolate!
(Dirtface drinks hot chocolate, which strangely doesn't make any noise.)
"YOU'RE NOT EVEN FUCKING DRINKING ANY!" Lucas shouted angrily with rage.
"He oughta know since he didn't hear no sipping noise coming out of the cup." Sean said, pointing over to Lucas.
Sean: (Narrating) So after we hear Dirtface talk about his hard-on for all things Christmas, he goes into this rant right here.
Dirtface: There's this one group over here that says, "Hey, if you want to sing your songs and do your stuff at Christmas time, that's fine. But tone it down, don't sing so loud." Right? "Just, you take your private stuff and you just keep it in your house. Don't let it spill out into the public and bother the rest of us. Just keep it tucked in and private."
Lucas and Sean then rolled their eyes before Lucas said with a groan, "Fiiiiiiine…"
The two then stand up out of the sofa and zip their pants back up.
Dirtface: And then there's this other group over here who's actually on the inside who's telling us, "Everything you're doing, all this stuff, the images, the characters, the traditions, it's all wrong. It has nothing to do with Christmas. As a matter of fact, you should just take all of that, wrap it up and throw it out the door because it's all bad."
"I'm pretty sure you're that other group over here, Kirk." Sean rolled his eyes.
(Dirtface then drinks his hot chocolate, which doesn't make a sipping noise.)
Dirtface: You know, what are they gonna do next, tell us hot chocolate's bad for us? That the druid's invented it?
(Dirtface then sips on his empty hot chocolate mug again.)
Dirtface: So what are we supposed to do?
"How about ACTUALLY pouring the hot chocolate into your cup, dillweed?!" Lucas said, raising his voice to the camera. "That way, you can have people believe you're ACTUALLY drinking some!"
(A clip of the cartoon Hey Arnold plays.)
Harold (voiced by Justin Shenkarow): I can't believe it.
Sid (voiced by Sam Gifaldi): What an idiot.
Lucas: (Narrating) Yeah, so after Kirk explains to us what the true meaning of Christmas is from the outside, we are soon treated to this little logo from CamFam Studios.
(The CamFam Studios logo is shown.)
Lucas: (Narrating) Yep. You can see why this studio didn't last long because I can guess this was the only crapheap they made. Then we go to black and see this little display happen.
(The scene then cuts to a darkened room where a woman is standing next to bearded man, who is sitting down.)
Woman: Sir?
Bearded Man: Go away.
Sean: (v/o as Bearded Man) I'm taking a crap.
Woman: He's here, sir.
(Bearded Man looks into the camera suspensefully.)
Bearded Man: Where?
Woman: Here, at the tavern.
Bearded Man: Grab my coat.
"Yikes, let's hope he's finished wiping in there." Sean cringed a little.
Sean: (Narrating) And then, we see a man who I can't even tell if that's either Jesus or a skinny brown-haired Santa walk into a snowy field, sporting what I assume is a very snazzy coat with a pimp cane. Dang, I can tell he's got swag. The only thing that's missing is this tune.
(The scene of the bearded man is still playing, but the song "1st of tha Month" by Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony is playing in the background.)
"Now that's much better." Sean nodded.
"Yeah, we did forget to mention that Kirk Cameron LITERALLY narrates this whole entire movie, like it's some sort of sermon that's been turned into a boring snoozefest," Lucas replied out of boredom. "And trust me, we've just digging the worst out of this shit-filled pile."
(The scene where the bearded man is walking around a snowy field is playing again.)
Dirtface: (Narrating) Stories are tricky things, especially the ones we've heard lots of times. There was a time when we didn't mind hearing the same stories over and over again. In fact, when we were children, we insisted on hearing them on an endless loop.
"Yeah, don't care. SKIP!" Lucas said, grabbing the remote button and hitting fast forward.
Lucas: (Narrating) So, while Dirtface is busy having to bore our asses to sleep telling us stories that make no sense to this film, we get what seems to be a paper-animated opening to this crap.
(A paper animated cartoon/opening plays showing baby Jesus's entire manger scene while set to a ska version of "Silent Night".)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, besides Kirk's hobo beard, this opening song is pretty much the ONLY good thing about this entire movie, which still saying much considering the movie's gonna get bland and boring than the entire Game of Thrones series finale.
"In fact, if you ever played Tony Hawk's Pro Skater and if there's a good chance if you ever heard the song "Superman" by Goldfinger, well then, just imagine this," Sean replied with a brief pause. "What if somebody took that Superman song they sang in the game and gave it that Silent Night remix?"
"The thought is just so unraveling, don't you think?" Lucas said to the camera.
(The scene then switches over inside a large house where a Christmas party is being held with all the Christmas decorations and the tree being displayed.)
Sean: (Narrating) Right after that little paper display is over and done with, we then get a good look at a Christmas party being held by old Dirtface himself. And less as if it wasn't obvious, he narrates this whole thing too.
(A shot of Dirtface's sister, who is played by Bridgette Ridenour, is shown looking very uncomfortable.)
Dirtface: (Narrating) And that's my sister. She's throwing the party. No one loves a Christmas party more than her.
"Um, excuse me, Kirk?" Sean raised his eyebrow, "Does that face of your sister look like she's having fun? It's like saying to us, 'Please get me off this goddamn movie, for the hell of it.'."
Lucas then pointed out, "By the way, Kirk. Shouldn't your sister Candace been there instead? I'm guessing she didn't get the invitation because she was too busy in Hollywood pissing off the entire LGBTQ community. God, no wonder Stephanie and Michelle were way better sisters in the Tanner family than boring ass D.J."
Dirtface: As always, amazing. Hey, you really stepped it up this year. You got Santa Claus. Where'd you find him? What do you have to pay a guy like that?
(Dirtface's sister looks completely dumbfounded)
Dirtface's Sister (played by Bridgette Ridenour): It's Uncle Bill.
(A crowd of people are shown, one of them involves Santa Claus, who's busy taking pictures of kids in his lap.)
Dirtface: Maybe it was the beard. I didn't see him.
"Oh please, you sure as hell couldn't see John Cena." Lucas scoffed to the camera, "Are you that ridiculously blind?!"
Sean (Narrating): So while we're treated to a shot of Kirk actually pouring REAL hot chocolate for once, which was weird considering the fact he was drinking an empty cup in the intro, we then are treated to a shot of his brother-in-law, which is played by the movie's director, Darren Doane.
"And you're not going to believe what this character's name is," Sean groaned. "You may think I'm making this up, but I'm not, everybody. The name of Darren's character in this film… is named Christian. White."
"GET IT?!" Lucas shouted.
Lucas: (Narrating) So yeah, Christian here is looking bored because it finds out he hates Christmas under any circumstances. Maybe he's bummed out because he's probably better off directing Blink-182 videos instead of being in this shit-covered film.
(A shot of Christian White is shown sitting on a chair looking depressed.)
Dirtface: (Narrating) You just don't know someone's story until you see what's going on inside his head.
(We see a girl dancing, a then a boy sticking his tongue to the camera)
Dirtface: (Narrating) Where some see youthful joy, other see phony smiles and bratty kids. Where some see laughter and holiday cheer…
(We see more guests having a conversation.)
Dirtface: …others see pretense and obligations.
"The way I see it, he looks like he's about to off somebody in this entire room." Sean pointed out.
(A wreath, Christian's face, a candy cane, a nutcracker and a snowman is shown in order.)
Dirtface: (Narrating) Where some see festive decorations, others see perverted symbols with hidden meanings. Where some see innocent toys, others see pointless distractions.
(A clip of Futurama plays showing Bender.)
Bender (voiced by John DiMaggio): Shut up and get to the point!
(Switches back to the movie where a stocking, Christian's face, a ribbon, a snowman, red and silver ceramic balls, large glitter filled snowflakes, ceramic elves and wreaths are shown in order.)
Dirtface: Where some see generosity and the joy of giving, others see needless spending and bad stewardship. Commercialism, greed, holiday junk, materialism, paganism, elf worship. The list goes on and on.
"Well, that's obviously weird considering the fact you literally have things like that in your house, Kirk!" Lucas growled to the camera again.
(A close-up of Christian's face is shown in a freeze frame.)
Sean: (Narrating) By the way, don't you just love how Christian's face looks when he looking at those things that offend him? You can understand why he'd rather leave the party and be somewhere else.
"Or better yet, what if you can read his thoughts?" Sean asked to the camera. "I wonder what he's thinking."
(A closeup of Christian's face is shown in a freeze-frame.)
(Voice clip of Flame Hyenard from Mega Man X7 plays.)
Flame Hyenard: (v/o) BURN! BURN TO THE GROUND! BURN!
"There we go, sounds just like him." Lucas smirked.
Lucas: (Narrating) He then gets his concentration cut off by somebody named DeAndre, who I kinda assume is the unfunny token black dude in this film, which isn't saying much knowing the rest of the people in the film are as unfunny as it is.
DeAndre (played by David Shannon): My man, Christian. How you doing?
Christian White (played by Darren Doane): What's up, DeAndre? How you been?
DeAndre: You know me, blessed and highly favored.
Christian White: And?
DeAndre: Saved and sanctified, filled with the Holy Ghost and that with a burning fire.
"Which I'm pretty sure I'll be going knowing this was moments after I stole this sweater from Bill Cosby's closet," Sean said, imitating DeAndre. "Praise the angry lord!"
Christian White: You really need to work on your exegesis.
DeAndre: Extra Jesus? Man, I have my extra Jesus ever since I was baptized for the second time. Ha!
(DeAndre goes up to high-five Christian.)
DeAndre: You're gonna give me some?
"No thanks," Lucas shook his head, imitating Christian. "You probably diddled too many kids with that hand."
Sean: (Narrating) Apparently, all of DeAndre's nonsensical talking and blabbering forces Christian to realize he'd rather start a homicidal riot all over his party. Hey, let's check up on Dirtface now.
Dirtface: Hey, Christian!
(Dirtface enters the guest room, only to see his brother Christian is not here.)
Dirtface: Nope. Not here.
"Holy crap, I've been left below!" Lucas replied, imitating Homer Simpson. "And what's worse, I'm gonna have to star in a series of movies where I'm left below with the black guy from Walker, Texas Ranger and the black drill sergeant from An Officer And A Gentleman! Why me?!"
(The scene switches over to Dirtface getting inside a car with Christian.)
Sean: (Narrating) And somehow, we end up getting to the bread and butter of the entire movie. It's the scene in which Kirk aka Dirtface and Christian suddenly hang out inside a stuffy car.
Sean then smirked out, "And if you really thought the entire plot and setting sounds stupid and idiotic, well then, here's the kicker…"
All of a sudden, Lucas then brought up a megaphone from under the couch, turned it on, and yelled into it, "THE WHOLE ENTIRE MOVIE TAKES PLACE INSIDE A FUCKING CAR!"
Lucas: (Narrating) So yeah, Christian starts complaining like an idiot and tells Dirtface why everything he's saw at the Christmas party is against God. Oh, I'm pretty sure he's okay with everyone around the world acting like slobs at Christmas. However, Dirtface attempts to intervene like it's somehow a poorly-made Christmas edition of A&E's Intervention.
Christian White: Are we seeing the same party? Are we seeing the same everything that's going on in there?
Dirtface: Yeah.
Christian White: Okay, so okay, so… explain to me how when I walk into that Christmas party, which is going on all over the world, explain to me how that Christmas party honors and glorifies Jesus. 'Cause I'm not seeing it.
"Well, everybody can see you look like Gordon Freeman from Half-Life." Sean pointed out.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Dirtface brings up a snowglobe Christian talks about and visualizes the nativity scene. What's next? Has the nativity scene been created by that kid in that St. Elsewhere episode? We then see the picture of a big-ass rock, and yeah, Dirtface has to explain it to us then.
Dirtface: (Narrating) I want you to see a cave, not a stable or some little prairie farm barn thing. First of all, a manger is a feeding trough, and it's probably going to be carved out of a rock. It's gonna be in a cave, and upon that rock you would feed your animals.
(A piece of hay is thrown at the big rock.)
"Looks like to me you're feeding a pet rock or something," Lucas replied before smirking, "Remember how awesome those pet rocks were in the '70s? That's way more fun than this movie."
Dirtface: I want you to think of soldiers surrounding them. You need to think of Herod's soldiers moving through the streets, finding babies and murdering them. And mothers weeping for their children.
(A picture of fire is shown surrounding the small manger is shown while the sounds of weapon clanging is heard in the background)
"Yeah, this isn't what I'm thinking, because that looks like the scene for a poorly produced heavy metal video." Lucas pointed out.
Sean: (Narrating) So now we've got Joseph and Mary kneeling down in front of a cloth, which I assume thats a baby doll pretending to be the sweet Baby Jesus. Don't even look real either.
Dirtface: Let's take everything away for a moment. Let's take away Joseph…
(Joseph disappears)
Dirtface: …leaving just a young girl and her newborn infant.
"SPOILER ALERT, he left to go take a piss." Sean smirked.
Dirtface: Now let's take away Mary, leaving the baby.
(Mary disappears)
Dirtface: Let's even take away the baby for a moment. Now don't panic, It's not because he isn't the most important person in the story.
(The fake baby doll, aka Baby Jesus disappears too.)
Dirtface: But because by getting a look at this prop, we'll get a better idea of why he was born in the first place.
"Looks like to me the huge pet rock is taking a nap," Lucas pointed out. "I mean look, it just looks so snugly."
Dirtface: Swaddling cloth. What is this swaddling cloth? Is it just a blanket for a baby?
"No, it's actually Guy LeDouche's dream rag from MXC." Sean replied.
Dirtface: Did you ever wonder why the wise men brought frankincense and myrrh at Jesus' birth? Those are burial spices. Why would they bring burial spices to a baby shower?
"Maybe because the three kings wanted to smoke it all before Joseph did," Sean replied, "The only thing that's missing is Led Zeppelin IV."
Dirtface: The death of Jesus was not the tragic end to the story. It was the plan all along, to offer up his body as bread for the hungry and to shed his blood to cover the sins of the guilty. Now, put Jesus back into that cloth and let that image paint the picture for you. A baby who came to die, but not until the appointed time. Yes, that's the reason for the season right there.
"Wait, so you mean to tell me that the reason for the season is to kill a baby. If that's the reason of the season, then Christmas is one fucked-up holiday." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) So after Dirtface preaches about killing babies for the Christmas season, we cut back to him and Christian in the car and he mentions that he does not get the whole swaddling cloth thing and guess what, Dirtface doesn't get it either. Yeah, this coming from the guy who preaches to people.
Christian White: But that's my point. Like, I can open the Bible, I can look right there, and I can go, "Oh, there it is! Like, I didn't, I didn't see that!" Like, that stuff blows my mind! Like, that's, that's all I'm saying. And Herod's soldiers and kind of looking at that whole thing like that's I feel like we need to have like little Herod soldiers like all around, you know, the chimney…
Dirtface: Right.
Christian White: For me to be able to see like, this is what's going on.
Dirtface: Right, right.
"Uh, what the hell are you talking about, Christian?! In fact, what the hell are you smoking?" Sean asked. "I don't know! Maybe Dirtface has put something in your hot chocolate or it's probably the frankincense that you were smoking that's making you talk crazy. Hell, Dirtface was looking at you…"
(Cut to Dirtface as he makes a "WTF" look while Christian is talking)
Sean: (Narrating) …like you're crazy. No wonder he was saying this.
Dirtface: Right./Right, right.
"Man! Frankincense is one hell of a drug." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut back to the Christmas party, where we see DeAndre talking to some guy that looks like Jackson Galaxy from My Cat From Hell. Oh, great. Hopefully there's an evil cat out to claw Kirk Cameron's eyes out. And we get a scene that turns into a really bad espionage movie.
Conspiracy Theorist (Played by Raphi Henley): My man, DeAndre. What's happening?
(DeAndre and the guy that looks like Jackson Galaxy are seen sipping some coffee)
DeAndre: You get that memo?
Conspiracy Theorist: Oh, you know I got that memo.
"I'm guessing the memo reads, "Get the fuck out of this movie before it's too late."." Lucas said.
Conspiracy Theorist: It's not a laughing matter, though man. You know what's really going on here.
DeAndre: (Nods his head) Yes. (Looks confused) No, no, no, I don't.
Conspiracy Theorist: Three words: war on Christmas.
"Oh, sweet Jesus." Sean said as he rolled his eyes.
"Here we go. Just another conspiracy theorist spouting off some bullshit." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) And if you think we're kidding about this dude spouting off bullshit, well, we're serious! He starts talking nonsense about the war on Christmas and other stuff that would make you rage. He spends the entire scene talking about other conspiracy bullshit like he's friggin' Jesse Ventura.
Conspiracy Theorist: Cups up.
(DeAndre and the conspiracy theorist raise their cups up to cover their mouths)
Conspiracy Theorist: All right, man, check this out. We got to go on the offensive. It's like the rapper Sugar Free said, "If you stay ready, you ain't got to get ready." They're already taking away our freedom of speech. I can't say Merry Christmas at work no more. I have to say Happy Holidays, but I am not in a daze. I am wide awake. It's deeper than that, though. You heard about Area 51? What about Area 52? That's where they keeping all the mangers and trees and Nativity scenes they keep taking down. Speaking of down, you know why the Pope really stepped down? Da Vinci code, right? Wrong. There's the whole Picasso code. I'm actually still working on that one. Come on, man, they got fluoride in our water.
(A clip from Sneakers is shown)
Crease (Played by Sidney Poitier): Now what are you saying, the NSA killed Kennedy?
Mother (Played by Dan Aykroyd): No, they shot him but they didn't kill him. He's still alive.
(Cut back to the film)
Lucas: (Narrating) Don't you just love how they just cover their mouths up with the cups and have that guy act like he's talking? Yeah, they'll just ADR that shit later.
"Hmm, I wonder how this'll work." Sean said as he holds a stuffed triceratops over his mouth.
Sean's V/O: Hey, look at me. I'm holding something over my mouth so I won't have to actually memorize the lines. I can just ADR'd it to the review very horribly. Wow, so this is what my voice sounds like in ADR. Also, I'd rather watch Jillian Jansen lezzing it out with Lena Paul in the Brazzers Christmas Special or Molly Stewart lezzing it out with Jessa Rhodes in a Hot and Mean Christmas-themed video. Hell, I'd rather have a threesome with Lena Paul and Dana DeArmond while they're wearing sexy Christmas lingerie. Now, talk about one hell of a Christmas present.
Conspiracy Theorist: I'm saying, that's gotta cause at least Asperger's. Speaking of burgers, you probably ain't even had one in years. That ain't no ground beef, homie. That's pink slime. I seen it on YouTube. Look it up.
"God, does this guy ever shut up?" Lucas asked.
Conspiracy Theorist: Come on, you got the chemtrails and HAARP trying to control the weather with the womp, womp, womp sounds. GMO's and pesticides. You know there's a huge honey bee shortage, right? Exactly. Colony collapse disorder. Ah, that rhymes with new world order. Coincidence? I think not. I saw "Loose Change," I know what's up with the whole Koch brothers, Halliburton, Dick Cheney, Enron, Fannie Mac, Freddie Mae tie-in. But I mean, that's obvious. Look, man, I saw it on Fox News, so you know it's true. War on Christmas, it's everywhere.
"SHUT UP! I can't STAND it anymore!" Sean yelled out like the Brown Yak from Ren & Stimpy. "All the time, with your conspiracy theories! CONSPIRACY THEORIES! WHY WON'T HE STOOOP?! Listen… Do ya hear it?"
Sean begins to laugh maniacally and goes crazy, yelling and growling while Lucas looks at him for a moment before smashing the beer bottle over the crazed critic's head.
"COME TO YOUR SENSES, MAN! This is no time for hysterics! We've got to pull together!" Lucas yelled out.
Sean starts to calm down for a moment and sighs in relief.
"Thanks. I… ow!" Sean exclaimed as he winced in pain while he touched his head and saw blood on his fingers. "Did you just hit me in the head with a beer bottle?"
"Hey, you were going insane for a moment, broski. Sorry about that. I had no choice." Lucas said.
"It's alright. All is forgiven." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So after that ridiculous scene, we cut back to Dirtface and Christian, who are still sitting in the goddamn car and they talk about Christmas trees and Christian starts acting like a Scrooge some more.
Christian White: News flash! Christmas tree, not in the Bible! Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Deuteronomy. Did I miss it? I miss Leviticus sometimes, but I'm pretty sure it's not in there.
(Dirtface just stares at Christian)
Christian White: That's the big thing I got sitting in my house right now, is a big Christmas tree. That's a pagan… that's a pagan idol symbol worshipping thingy. You know that, right? That's what they would worship the god with. You know, the gods.
Dirtface: What gods?
Christian White: The gods.
Dirtface: Which gods?
"Well, there's Kratos, Ares, Zeus, Poseidon, Hades, Hermes, Helios, Hercules. What the fuck are you guys talking about?" Lucas asked.
Christian White: It was winter, it was the Winter Solstice. News flash, it's December. Jesus was not born in December, and we're celebrating his birthday in December. Hello?
Dirtface: When was he born?
"Dude, will you just answer his questions instead of sitting there and sounding like a condescending asshole? You know, a lot of people get smacked for acting like that." Sean said.
Dirtface: And the trees are like, it's about like, the evergreen trees represents eternal life…
Christian White: Yes.
Dirtface: And fertility, fertility gods.
Christian White: Wikipedia. Yeah.
Dirtface: And people would worship these symbols then, and they believed that if they worshipped these symbols and they laid down their offerings and their gifts, that they would inherit eternal life.
Christian White: You know this.
Dirtface: And this is… this is all idolatry.
Christian White: Yes, it's idolatry in my house. How do your kids react every morning on Christmas? What do they do? Tell me. What do they do?
Dirtface: I make my kids wait at the top of the staircase. I don't let them come down the stairs until my wife and I get everything ready, the tree, and the anticipation builds, and they run down the stairs when I tell them they can, and they run out to the tree, and they just are blown away by all the presents sitting at the base of the tree.
"So, that's what Christmas is like at the Cameron residence. Fuck that shit! I ain't waitin' at the top of the staircase to open my gifts." Lucas said.
Lucas: (Narrating) Christian asks Dirtface where Christmas trees are in the bible and we get an answer.
Dirtface: Genesis.
(Cut to a clip from Star Trek III: The Search for Spock is shown)
Alien (Played by Allan Miller): Genesis?!
(The scene then cut to a tree lot with wooden sign that reads "TREE LOT", where we see people looking at Christmas trees at a tree lot)
Dirtface: (Narrating) The whole biblical story starts in a tree lot. The Garden of Eden was full of trees. Adam and Eve were given the fruit of the trees to eat, but the story calls our attention to two of these trees in particular.
"Uh, what does Christmas trees have to do with the bible? Huh? I just don't get it. Is there anything religious about Christmas trees?" Sean asked.
Dirtface: (Narrating) First, the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and then later the tree of life.
Sean: (V/O as Dirtface) And there's also the tree of might from Dragonball Z.
Dirtface: One tree was off limits because by eating it, man would surely die. But Adam ate from the first tree and was thrown out of the garden so that he couldn't eat from the second. Mankind would have to wait until the path to that tree was reopened, but I'm getting ahead of myself. We'll come back to that later.
"Oh, no need to stop. Please continue to bore us with your wisdom." Lucas said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Dirtface is preaching to us about Christmas trees and all that crap and saying that it's God's idea and not the Druids and God also made the winter solstice. And then he also talks about Adam and the fruit where we see some guy that looks like Mr. Clean just looking at the piece of fruit in his and and the tree. And guess what else that he brings up again? That goddamn swaddling cloth!
(A little girl sees God carrying around the swaddling cloth)
Dirtface: (Narrating) It comes back into the story again at Jesus' burial. Nicodemus brings all the funeral preparations, frankincense, myrrh, aloe and cloth. And why is he bringing the cloth?
"I don't know. To keep him swaddled in it. Why are you bringing up the damn swaddling cloth?" Sean asked.
(We then cut to the little girl looking at the cross in the middle of the tree lot)
Dirtface: (Narrating) The Bible begins with trees. Adam stole the fruit from God's tree and ate it. The fruit that the first Adam stole was put back on the tree by the last Adam when he, himself, hung on a wooden cross. So, when you walk into a Christmas tree lot, I want you to see hundreds of crosses that will never be used because of Jesus' finished work. He paid the price that we could never have paid.
"Oh, great. Now when I put up a Christmas tree, I'm gonna see a decorated cross sitting in the middle of my living room. Thanks, Dirtface! Thanks for that image." Lucas said.
Dirtface: So, when you see empty Christmas trees, see an empty cross. And when you see the empty cross, see the empty cloth lying in an empty tomb. And when you see an empty tomb, do what the disciples did, turn and run to tell the story that Jesus is alive.
(The little girl starts running)
"Okay, I don't think that little girl was acting. She was just trying to get out of this movie." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as Little Girl) Why is there a cross in the middle of the tree lot? Oh, my God. I'm in a Kirk Cameron movie! MOMMY!
Lucas: (Narrating) Hell, I think this is what Kirk Cameron put up in his home instead of a Christmas tree. A decorated cross that he sits in his living room decorated with fruit and lights. I bet Baby Jesus is pissed.
(The flashback ends with Christian looking very astounded while Dirtface looks on.)
Christian White: That's pretty cool.
(A clip of the Cinema Snob plays.)
Cinema Snob: I want what you're smoking!
"Sorry, we just had to borrow that," Lucas smirked to the camera. "Figured it'd just fit the feel."
Sean: (Narrating) Then for some idiotic reason, Christian goes on a rant on why he thinks Santa Claus isn't in the Bible. What's next? He's gonna think Kareem Abdul-Jabbar ain't in the Quran?
Christian White: That's the guy, Santa, that's obliterated Jesus. Jesus is gone! The reason for the season is Santa Claus. What the kids are saying all across the world is not, "I'm so excited to celebrate the birth of Jesus!" No, they're saying, "I'm so excited to get my picture taken with Santa Claus! You're going to bring me presents!"
"Spoiler alert: Only mom and dad bring them presents." Sean replied. "Santa's only there to feed his fat ass milk and cookies."
Lucas then pleaded to the camera, "Please don't beat us up, Santa."
Christian White: S-A-N-T-A. Rearrange the letters. Satan.
(Dirtface nods.)
Christian White: Santa, Satan. Same letters.
Dirtface: Right?
Christian White: Right.
Sean and Lucas immediately think for a second before Sean shrugged to the camera, "Nah, don't really see the comparison. I mean, comparing a jolly red fat guy with the Prince of Darkness as if they're the same dude?"
"This is like straight up comparing things like M&M's with Skittles or Keanu Reeves with Chris Klein," Lucas replied. "They look the same, but they're really not."
Christian White: Coincidence?
(Dirtface shrugs his shoulders)
Christian White: Okay, and who's completely gotten rid of Jesus? Satan. Santa. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Where's ho, ho, ho, ho in the Bible? Ho, ho, ho. Bible.
Dirtface: (Sings) You better watch out, you better not pout. You better not cry, I'm telling you why.
"Those aren't the lyrics, asshole!" Sean yelled out.
Lucas: (Narrating) Christian continues his rant about Santa in the Bible and we cut to…
(We cut to some creepy guy dressed as Santa while Ave Satani by Jerry Goldsmith plays in the background. The creepy guy looks directly at the camera with an evil smile on his face before we cut back to Sean and Lucas both freaking out)
"OH, MY GOD!" Lucas screamed out.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Sean screamed while he's scared out of his wits.
Dirtface: (Narrating) The real Santa Claus was a real bad, bad dude. And when I say bad, I mean bad in the good way.
"Are you fucking serious right now?! This motherfucker is staring right into our souls!" Sean shouted.
Sean: (Narrating) I swear, this dude looks like he could appear in a scary Christmas-themed horror film. Hell, I think this is the same Santa Claus who sexually assaulted Billy's mother in Silent Night, Deadly Night!
(The creepy Santa is shown cracking his knuckles)
Sean: (V/O as Santa) You've been very naughty, Timmy. Santa's gonna give you a silent night.
"Is this what Kirk Cameron is trying to do to us? Is this punishment for us to repent for our sins? Look, if you want us to confess our sins, we'll do it! Just please don't show us this killer Santa again! We'll confess! WE'LL CONFESS!" Lucas yelled out.
"Alright, I'll go first. I was the one responsible for canceling the iCarly reboot." Sean said.
"I was the one who got Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce together." Lucas said.
"I was the one who came up with Pepsi Fire!" Sean exclaimed.
"I was the one responsible for the two Growing Pains reunion movies!" Lucas shouted.
"We're done confessing our sins! JUST PLEASE STOP SHOWING US KILLER SANTA CLAUS! GET US OUT OF THAT SCENE!" Sean shouted out loud.
(The scene then cuts to a scene from before, with the woman and the bearded man)
Woman: Sir?
Bearded Man: Go away.
Woman: He's here, sir.
(Bearded Man looks into the camera suspensefully)
Bearded Man: Where?
Woman: Here, at the tavern.
Bearded Man: Grab my coat.
Sean and Lucas both sigh in relief.
"Thank Christ." Lucas said, before realizing that they're watching the scene from before. "Wait a minute, did we just go back to the beginning of the movie? We just saw this part before!"
(We cut to the bearded man named Nicholas, walking in the woods)
Dirtface: (Narrating) His real name was Nicholas. He was a devout Christian. He was the Bishop of Myra, a city in modern day Turkey. He was left with a large sum of money when his parents died, and he became famous for his kindness toward the poor and his generous giving of gifts to children.
"And he does this by walking out in the woods lookin' like a biblical version of John Wick? You know, now that I think about it, I would pay good money just to see that." Sean said.
"Me too. Makes me wonder what the trailer would look like." Lucas said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(The trailer cuts to a shot of a tavern while a choir chant plays in the background)
Announcer: In a world filled with non-believers…
Woman: Sir?
Bearded Man: Go away.
Woman: He's here, sir.
(Bearded Man looks into the camera suspensefully)
Announcer: …there is one man who believes in the true meaning of Christmas…
St. Nick (Played by Ben Kientz) In the beginning was the Word… and the Word was with God and the Word… was God.
(Thunder crashes as the scene cuts to black)
Announcer: He's making a list….
(St. Nick turns to Arius with an intense look on his face while Arius turns to look at St. Nick)
Announcer: …and checking it twice….
(Intense music plays in the background as we see St. Nick giving Arius a beatdown)
Announcer: …he's gonna find out who's naughty or nice…
(We get a shot of Arius' feet while he being dragged by St. Nick and thrown out into the woods and we see him beating down Arius)
Announcer: St. Nick! He knows when you've been bad or good, bitch!
(The next scene cuts to St. Nick turning his head to the camera)
Announcer: Coming soon.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
"Hey, you know that you would pay good money just to see this movie. Admit it, you know you would." Sean said as he points to the camera.
Lucas: (Narrating) Anyway, Dirtface tells the story of a man named Nicholas. Yeah, their version of Santa Claus, and he tells us how much of a badass he is. And if you think that the conspiracy theory scene was surreal, then this is the most surreal scene in the movie. Dirtface also tells us that there were leaders in the church that had begun to deny the deity of Christ, which Nicholas didn't take kindly to and he went up against the real enemy of the faith. And that person happens to be a Bishop named Arius who's a heretic, and he's played by that Jackson Galaxy lookin' dude and we see DeAndre playing one of his friends as well. Then, this happens.
St. Nick: In the beginning was the Word… and the Word was with God and the Word… was God.
(Thunder crashes as St. Nick turns to Arius with an intense look on his face while Arius turns to look at St. Nick)
Dirtface: The official record says that at a critical moment during the Council, Nicholas put the heretic Arius to shame, not only by word but also by deed, smiting him on the cheek.
(The scene cuts to black as intense music plays in the background as we see St. Nick slamming Arius' head down on the table before cutting to black again, then we cut back to St. Nick giving Arius a dubstep beatdown)
"Suddenly, St. Nick isn't so jolly after all. He just turned into the biblical version of John Wick." Lucas said.
"You know what Jesus said, "Turn the other cheek. Then, punch that other cheek in the face."." Sean said
Sean: (Narrating) Also, don't you just love how there's dubstep music playing in the background during this beatdown?
(Dubstep music plays during the scene)
Sean: (Narrating) I don't know whether to dance to this music or to kick somebody's ass.
Dirtface: Now, of course, not everyone at the Council was happy with his less than jolly actions. In fact, they were so displeased, they removed his title as Bishop, but he was so loved by the people that they gave it back to him. In fact, he was even sainted. That's why we call him St. Nicholas.
"The real reason why he was sainted was because everyone was afraid to piss him off." Lucas said.
(St. Nick approaches the young woman, who is seen with a smile on her face)
Woman: Oh, look who it is. Better? You get that out of your system? Come on. We've got work to do.
(St. Nick turns his head directly to the camera while cheerful music plays. He sees a sleigh with a big red sack sitting on the seat. He then turns to the young woman and smiles)
St. Nick: Come on. Let's go bless some kids tonight. We've got gifts to give. Ho, ho, ho, ho.
"Wow! We just went from watching St. Nick beating the ever-loving shit out of Jackson Galaxy to him getting ready to deliver some gifts to the children with a smile on his face. It's like watching John Wick murdering people before he goes to play with his dog." Sean said.
Lucas: (Narrating) So after Dirtface tells the story about the story about St. Nick, this blows Christian's mind and he comes to a realization about Santa.
Christian White: Santa… is the man!
"Now, let's go beat the shit out of some atheists." Lucas said, imitating Christian.
Dirtface: Bro, let me just say this. I know you love my sister. I know you love Christ. I know you love Christmas, and you want it to be all about what it's all about. But all this is good! All this is what it's all about. You just need to see it with new eyes.
Christian White: I've missed it. I've absolutely… missed it.
"You missed the 24-hour Christmas Story marathon on TBS and TNT just to sit in the car with this religious nutsack?" Sean asked
"An episode of AEW Dynamite is more fun than sitting in a stuffy car with Kirk Cameron!" Lucas angrily growled.
Sean: (Narrating) Christian comes to the realization that he's a jerk. Really, dude? (Angrily) No shit! YOU'VE BEEN A COMPLETE JERK-OFF THROUGHOUT THIS WHOLE GODDAMNED MOVIE! So, Dirtface suggests to Christian that the best ending to this story is for Christian to be the guy that saves Christmas and everyone cheers for him.
Christian White: I'm going to be that guy. I'm going to be that guy. I'm going to be that guy. I'm going to be that guy. I'm going to be that guy.
"In a few seconds, I'm going to be that guy who's gonna blow you head off if you don't shut up." Sean said as he pulled out his .44 magnum.
Christian White: I'm going to be that guy. I'm going to be that guy! I'm going… I'm going… I'm going to be the…grrrr. I'm going to be that guy. I'm going to be that guy.
(Dirtface laughs)
Christian White: I'm going to be that guy,
(A clip from Mars Attacks! is shown)
President James Dale (Played by Jack Nicholson): SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Lucas: (Narrating) And after Christian annoying us by reminding us that he's going to be that guy, he marches back inside to the party and acts like a total madman by taking in all the glory of Christmas. Yeah, that's right, Christian. Take in the swaddling cloths, crosses and heretic beatings in all of it's glory. That's what Christmas is all about.
Dirtface: Now, see Christmas through new eyes.
(Christian starts running in slow motion)
DeAndre: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Back up, everybody!
(Christian yells in slow motion and slides down on the floor, yelling until he crashes into the Christmas presents while DeAndre and the party guests back away)
DeAndre: Whew! Work, Holy Spirit, ha! Can I get an amen?
Party Guests: Amen!
DeAndre: The scales are falling off. Glory! Ah, glory! Hmm.
"Alright, first up, you. OUT!" Lucas yelled while he points his AK-47 at the camera.
Sean: (Narrating) You know what I realize? I realize that Dirtface is the bad angel that's sitting on Christian's shoulder. Yeah, this is the part that Kirk was born to play. And also, did you have to interrupt the party just to go as far as to slide down on the floor like a madman? Jesus, and I thought that the N64 kid was over the top.
"Well, at least the movie's over. There's no way that Dirtface is going to talk about anything else. Right?" Sean asked.
Dirtface: (Narrating) Look at the presents under your tree. When you see them from this perspective, see how they look like a city skyline.
(Cut to a shot of Dirtface smiling)
"I just want to punch that smug smile off your face, you son of a bitch." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(City skyscrapers are drawn on top of the presents)
Dirtface: Imagine a new Jerusalem, a heavenly city whose builder and architect is God, and the wall of the city was adorned with all kinds of precious stones. And what's at the center of that city? A tree. The tree of life, made available by the conquering blood of Jesus to all who believe. This tree, full of healing leaves. This tree, full of fruit. This tree, full of lights that shine in the darkness, lights that shine over the city.
"Okay, dude. Are you done getting your points in? You're starting to bore us. Hell, this movie should be over by now and you're still fucking talking!" Lucas yelled out.
Dirtface: And there's another thing. Look at those presents again, stacked and wrapped and made beautiful, waiting to be torn open. This isn't bad stewardship. This is doing what God does.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you just shut up?" Sean asked.
Lucas: (Narrating) So Christian gets into the Christmas spirit and he gets his picture taken with Bad Santa and the children and with Dirtface joining the photo. Hell, while this is all happening, Christian's wife is just watching the whole thing and probably thinking, "What the fuck is going on here?" And not only that, she continues to watch Christian looking at the Christmas decorations while Dirtface continues to bore us with his narration. Also, it looks like Christian wants to stuff Dirtface's sister's stocking.
Dirtface's Sister: You okay?
Christian White: Honey, I've been a bit of a jerk this Christmas season.
Dirtface's Sister: Yeah, you have.
Christian White: You deserve so much better, and this Christmas, I want to give you something I've been wanting to give you for a long time.
"Uhhhhhhhhh, what?" Sean asked as his eyes widen in surprise.
Dirtface's Sister: What do you got in mind, big papa?
"Dear God, please do not show them fucking in the kitchen. Hell, I would rather see Susan Dey from L.A. Law naked." Lucas said.
Dirtface: (Narrating) Now, what happens in most stories at this point? I mean, if you were writing this story right now, what would you want to have happen?
Sean and Lucas both started to chuckle for a bit before Sean says something.
"You're asking the wrong guys for this one. In fact, we would be making smutty Christmas-themed one-shots." Sean said.
"Yeah. Now that you mentioned it, a Fire Emblem one-shot sounds good and hot to write right now." Lucas said.
"And if we were writing this story, we couldn't have come up with something so dumb like this." Sean said.
Christian White: I went ahead and just organized a hip-hop dance crew that encompasses all the joy in gospel, bursting in excitement that I alone as one man just cannot express.
"What the hell? Are you shitting me right now?" Lucas asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And just when you think that this movie gets really dumb, they kick it up to 1,000 by adding a little hip-hop dance number performed by the God Squad Dance Crew and good lovin' Christ, that is the worst choreography that I have ever seen in my life. How is it that Darren Doane, a man who directed music videos in the '90s could be so bad at directing choreographed dance?
Lucas: (Narrating) And there's still 20 minutes left in the film and we're stuck watching this fucking dance number and for Dirtface to show us his dance moves!
(Dirtface is shown doing The Worm)
"Yeah, you can do The Worm. What's so special about that?" Sean asked.
Sean: (V/O as Dirtface) Hey, check out my dance moves! I'm dancing in the name of God!
(We cut to Christian and Dirtface's sister dancing)
"God, can you just end, movie?! Just end! I think you've tortured us enough with this stupid dance number." Lucas said.
Dirtface: All right, everybody! Let's feast!
(The party guests start cheering and they head to the dining room table to eat, leaving the man dressed as Santa Claus behind while he's still sitting on the couch until he gets up to go join them. Then, the next scene cuts to some random old guy sitting on the couch with a cup of hot chocolate in his hand)
Random Old Guy: Well, that's why I show up for these parties.
"Uh, I'm sorry, Random Old Guy. But who the hell are you and who invited you anyway? You know what, forget that I asked. The movie's over. We've finally got through this dumpster fire of a movie and now it's time for the closing remarks that we're gonna give this movie. And that was Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas, and…" Sean said.
(The next scene opens with a shot of a beautifully set dining room table)
Dirtface: (Narrating) So, this is Christmas. Pull out your best dishes, your finest linens, your nicest silverware, the biggest ham.
"SON OF A BITCH! It's not over yet?!" Sean asked.
Dirtface: Every side dish you can possibly imagine, and the richest butter. It's time to feast.
(We're treated to shots of the richest butter, the plates, the ham, the glasses, the turkey and the shot of the dining room table. Then, we cut to Christian, Dirtface, Dirtface's sister and the party guests eating at the table)
Dirtface: Invite your neighbors, your co-workers, your friends and your family and make the most of Christmas. Fill your table with laughter and stories and songs. Don't miss a single opportunity to pass along the joy of the season. And don't buy into the complaint about materialism during Christmas. Sure, don't max out your credit cards or use presents to buy friends, but remember, this is a celebration of the eternal God taking on a material body.
"What kind of shit have you been huffing, Kirk?" Lucas replied. "Geez, no wonder Alan Thicke's rolling in his grave."
Dirtface: So, it's right that our holiday is marked with material things. Things we can see with our eyes and touch with our hands and look upon. Ribbons, decorations, hot chocolate, lights, presents, giant hams, stuffing, fudge, Christmas cards, and more hot chocolate piled high with whipped cream. How could we possibly capture all that Christmas is? We could eat until we split at the seams.
"Yeah, way to let your followers know gluttony's okay on Christmas." Sean said, rolling his eyes.
Lucas then replied to the camera, "And I'm pretty sure Kirk just broke every single eighth deadly sin this movie."
"I thought there was seven." Sean turned to Lucas.
"Uh, no, there's actually eight." Lucas corrected him.
Sean then curiously asked Lucas, "Well, what's the eighth deadly sin then?"
"Oh, that's easy," Lucas smirked, "It's watching Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas."
Dirtface: All the best to you and your family this Christmas. I have to say, things have improved around here.
(Dirtface's sister looks at him while she holds her glass up, toasting him, while Dirtface looks on at his sister with a smirk on his face. Dirtface's sister smiles at him and Dirtface winks at her and it freezes on him. Afterwards, we cut to the end credits as we see the words "EXECUTIVE PRODUCER KIRK CAMERON" on screen)
"Yeah, I hope you're happy about the "Executive Producer" credit that you have, dude." Sean said.
"Well, at least they're treating us to some bloopers at the end of the film. And no! We're not gonna be spending our time watching the bloopers. You can just forget it." Lucas said.
"And that was Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas. And I think you all know what our response is…" Sean said.
"IT SUCKS ASS!" Sean and Lucas both yelled out.
(Cut to clips from the movie once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Everything about this movie goddamn sucks! From the presentation, the actors, the lame unfunny humor, the sucky dancing and the stupid bullshit propaganda that only Mr. Cameron himself could only conjure up in such an unholy, ungodly manner!
Lucas: (Narrating) I agree with Sean on everything he said. We would rather watch Mortal Kombat: Annihilation on Betamax. We would rather watch Supergirl on a Game Boy Advance Player. We would rather watch Dragonball Evolution on a crappy VideoNow player. We would rather watch that canceled Garbage Pail Kids movie on an Texas Instruments calculator. Hell, we would rather watch Ricky 1 on a tiny Google Watch and we can tell you it's way better than this movie combined.
Sean: (Narrating) This makes Eight Crazy Nights look like Citizen Fucking Kane in comparison. Hell, this literally makes Leonard Part 6 look like the greatest movie ever. That still isn't saying much considering it's a piece of crap, but at least there's only one good thing I'll say about Leonard Part 6. It's at LEAST a movie. But Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas is not a movie. No, you really want to know this is? This is SHIT! The kind that even God or Satan wouldn't even want if you gave it to them! In fact, not also did this piece of excrement turned everybody into atheists, but this makes you kinda wonder to yourself, "What Would Jesus Do"? Well, I would tell you what he would really do. If he ever watched this, he would get off his cross, take that same cross and beat this turd down into the manure this sprouted out from! And then burn it to the worst part of hell that ever existed! I literally mean it. It's. THAT. HORRIBLE. It's the reason why me and Lucas here give Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas the worst possible score there is: -666 out of 5!
"I swear to the heavens above I will never EVER go near this piece of dumpster fire for as long as I live!" Sean groaned, "So with that being said, he's UltimateWarriorFan4Ever and I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic. Let's send this burnt crusty ballsack into a place where it truly belongs!"
With such anger built up inside him, Sean grabbed the DVD out of the DVD player and put it back in the case.
He then approached the lit fireplace and threw the Saving Christmas DVD onto the fire, burning it as a Yule Log.
"Merry Christmas, you filthy animal." Sean and Lucas both shouted to the burnt DVD, all while at the same time, the words "Have A Merry Mayhem Christmas" was shown on the screen in very festive cursive.
Mayhem Critic Tagline - What do you got in mind, Big Papa?
Whew! Not gonna lie, this was hell to get done. Talk about a long ass wait. Originally, Lucas was gonna get this whole story done by himself, but it turns out that, it was harder than expected. Thankfully, I came to the aid just in time, which made us get through this review faster. Thank goodness for teamwork. I can safely say that we will NEVER go near this movie again. And good riddance. But at least it's finally done and over with, so that's what matters.
Since we're coming to the new year finally, I'm gonna cover a movie that is so bad that it's at least way better than Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas. And we mean it. What kind of movie, is it? Well, what happens when Jessie Spano from Saved By The Bell becomes a sexpot? You get the next review, which will be 1995's Showgirls. If you have any TV show or movie you like to see me cover in a future review, let me know by PM's or reviews. Anything will do. So until next time, f**k Saving Christmas. LOL