The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another great chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, it's 2024, a new year which means the new review. So, what's the new review of 2024? Well, it's a little film about Jessie Spano becoming a stripper. And yes, I'm about to review Paul Verhoeven's controversial movie Showgirls. If you all know about this movie, then kudos to you. For those of you who haven't heard of the movie, well, you got Sean the Mayhem Critic here to review this dumpster fire of a movie. Boy, this is going to be a good one! So sit back, relax and grab yourself a cold beer to drink, or a soda for those who don't drink alcohol, here's the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Showgirls is owned by United Artists, Carolco Pictures and Chargeurs.
Episode 203
Showgirls
(We open with the 2023 Mayhem Critic intro. This is the last time that the intro is used before the new one. After the intro ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch as he prepares his introduction)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said with a smile on his face. Well, it's a new year and with it being a new year, new movies to review. Let's talk about Paul Verhoeven."
(A montage of pictures featuring Paul Verhoeven are shown as well as his films RoboCop, Total Recall and Basic Instinct are shown while the RoboCop theme by Basil Poledouris plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this madman right here? He's one of my favorite directors of all time and he's known for directing films that are excessively violent and sexually charged with some added satire to it. He brought us RoboCop, which was excessively violent. Also, this was the first R-rated film that I watched when I was like four or five years old. Thanks, Mom! He also brought us Total Recall starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, I watched it when I was young and I loved it as much as RoboCop. Then, in 1992, him and screenwriter Joe Eszterhas brought us the erotic thriller Basic Instinct starring Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone, and what could I say about this movie? Well, I can sum it up with one word…
(Cut to a clip from WCW featuring "Nature Boy" Ric Flair)
Ric Flair: WOOOO!
Sean: (Narrating) That's right. And boy, was it pretty erotic. And I own the Director's Cut on Blu-Ray. And if you're expecting to see Michael Douglas go down on Sharon Stone in this review, then you can just watch Basic Instinct on Paramount Plus, you perverts. After the release of Basic Instinct, the film made a boatload of money and it became one of the most popular movies of 1992.
"Which leads us to today's review and… oh, boy! Am I excited to review this one because I've been waiting my whole life to review it. And no need to pray for me because this is going to be hilarious. That's right, folks. I'm talking about the one… the only… Showgirls." Sean said.
(The title screen for the movie "Showgirls" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the "Goddess" theme by David A. Stewart plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, yeah. We're going down into some dark territory here. In the history of this show, I have reviewed some of the bad movies that I have seen. (Posters for Batman & Robin, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, Supergirl, The Master of Disguise and Leonard Part 6 are shown) I have reviewed films like Batman & Robin, Superman IV, Supergirl, The Master of Disguise and Leonard Part 6. But this one takes the cake. This is the mother of all bad movies. This is before The Room, Battlefield Earth and Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas. If you haven't heard about this movie, then let me tell you all about it. Showgirls was released in theaters on September 22, 1995. Directed by Paul Verhoeven, this erotic drama stars Kyle MacLachlan, Gina Gershon and Saved by the Bell's Elizabeth Berkley. The movie was also written by Joe Eszterhas, who's writing career went down the tubes after he did Sliver and Jade. This film garnered the NC-17, which is basically porn, and the film's distributers MGM, were able to get the film a wide theatrical release and they even got staffers dispatched across North America that was playing the movie in theaters to ensure that people under the age of 17 would not sneak into the theater from other films.
"So, if you're planning on sneaking out of the showing of Disney's The Big Green, you better keep your little ass in that seat! You're missing out on the best soccer movie of all time. What the hell's the matter with you?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Not only that, Showgirls was the first (and to date only) NC-17 film to be given a wide release in mainstream theaters. Hell, Verhoeven wanted the NC-17 rating and he even agreed to take a pay cut in order to keep it.
"And speaking of firsts, I'm making Mayhem Critic history here, because this is the first NC-17 movie that I'll be reviewing. Which is going to be a little tricky because the dark cloud of de-monetization is still looming. I'm going to make this ad-friendly as possible. Which is why you're going to see reactions of me reacting to certain scenes that I'm not going to show. Also, if you were hoping to see Elizabeth Berkley naked or if you swing the other way, if you're looking forward to see Kyle MacLachlan's ass, then go watch the movie on Paramount Plus, you perverts." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, we're going to be examining what the hell went wrong with this movie and why this movie became a legendary box-office bomb. Despite it being blasted by critics, it did garner success on home video and it became a cult film after it's release. Just be glad that Paul Verhoeven didn't change his name to "Alan Smithee" after this.
"Get ready to laugh at this movie because you're gonna laugh your ass off. This is Showgirls." Sean said.
(The movie opens with the title "Showgirls" being shown on-screen)
"Wow, the title screen for the movie looks glamorous. I can't believe that they blew their budget on the opening titles." Sean said.
(The current United Artists logo is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Man, the United Artists logo looks more glamorous than the opening titles. Whenever I see the UA logo, I get ready to watch an awesome James Bond movie. Man, imagine being that poor soul who has to come across this movie.
(The United Artists logo is shown)
Sean: (V/O as Guy) Alright, can't wait to watch GoldenEye. Man, this is going to be… (The title screen for "Showgirls" is shown) SHIT! I just turned on Showgirls! Nope, nope! I'm getting the hell outta here!
(We hear the sound of the guy jumping out of a window, screaming while he falls to his death. Afterwards, we cut to the movie, where we see the main character Nomi Malone, who is doing some hitchhiking)
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to Nomi Malone, played by Elizabeth Berkley, a young street smart woman who's hitchhiking to Las Vegas, hoping that she will make it as a showgirl. By the way, Nomi is not her real name. We'll talk about it later on in the movie. She gets picked up by some guy, played by Dewey Weber, who is also driving to Vegas.
Jeff (Played by Dewey Weber): You can sit a little bit closer if you want.
(Nomi pulls out a knife and points it at Jeff)
Jeff: It was a bad idea.
Nomi Malone (Played by Elizabeth Berkley): Chill, okay?
Jeff: I'm chilled. I sure am glad you're going to be such good company.
"Yeah, dude. I wouldn't trust picking up hitchhikers. You won't know what they're capable of. She'll probably cut your nuts off with that switchblade of hers." Sean said.
(Nomi switches to a radio station and plays some rock music)
Nomi Malone: I don't like Garth Brooks.
Jeff: Me neither. I don't know anybody that likes him.
"I happen to like Garth Brooks, you bastard. You watch what you say." Sean said.
"Dude, I grew up with his music, watch your mouth." Brian said.
"You know, if this movie was made today, they'll probably say that they don't like Blake Shelton. And that'll probably offend my girlfriend since she's a Blake Shelton fan." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So, they arrive in Vegas and Nomi leaves her suitcase in Jeff's truck, then he gives her some money to play the slot machine while he goes to see his uncle so he can talk to him about getting Nomi a job. She ends up winning, then losing all of her winnings until some sleazebag starts hitting on her. Then Nomi starts looking for Jeff and she starts to regret her decisions.
(Nomi looks around and sees that Jeff's truck is gone)
Nomi Malone: Shit. Fuck. Fuck! Fuck the fucker!
(Nomi starts hitting a nearby car in anger)
"Nice job, Nomi. Immediately, some guy just made off with your stuff. Way to enjoy your first night in Vegas." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Nomi starts taking her anger out on a nearby car that belongs to a woman named Molly Abrams, played by Gina Ravera, who tries to calm Nomi down and…
(Nomi swings wildly at Molly, then turns from her and starts throwing up)
"Wait, what?" Sean asked while he breaks down in laughter. "How the hell did that happen? Was she drunk? Hell, we didn't even see her drink or eat anything. The movie has already begun and immediately I'm friggin' confused. And yet, I'm laughing my ass off."
Sean: (Narrating) Molly saves Nomi's dumbass from turning into street pizza, and later she takes her somewhere to eat and she tries to befriend Nomi while she eats her french fries in anger.
Nomi Malone: (Puts ketchup on her fries aggressively) I just got here.
Molly Abrams (Played by Gina Ravera): Welcome to Vegas. You know anybody here? Got any family you can call?
Nomi Malone: (Eats a french fry) I don't have any family.
Molly Abrams: Where are you from?
Nomi Malone: (Sighs) Back east.
Molly Abrams: From where back east?
(Nomi slams her fries down on the table and grabs her soda)
Nomi Malone: Different places!
"Whoa! Easy there, Nomi. All she did was ask you a little question. No need to act all defensive about it." Sean said.
(Cut to clips of Elizabeth Berkley as Nomi)
Sean: (Narrating) What could I say about Elizabeth Berkley's performance in this movie? Ehhhh, it's horrible. She plays the character of Nomi like a bipolar person. You see her go back and forth from happy to angry in seconds. She's emotionally unstable. And when she gets angry, oh sweet Jesus! I can laugh my ass off from watching her horrible performance. It's that bad. Not only she goes over the top, she goes over, under, side to side and back over for good measure.
(Cut to clips from Saved by the Bell, featuring certain clips of Elizabeth Berkley as Jessie Spano)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, casting Berkley as the main character in Showgirls probably raised some eyebrows. We all know her as Jessie Spano in Saved by the Bell. Nomi Malone is much different than Jessie Spano. Was Berkley trying to do something new? Hell, casting a former sitcom actor might've been a mistake.
"Not that it's impossible for a sitcom actor to act in a dramatic role, take Will Smith, for example. He was on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and that show was on the air around the same time as Saved by the Bell and on NBC." Sean said.
(Clips from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, the show can be silly at times, and like many sitcoms, the show tries to do something poignant. Remember the fourth season episode Papa's Got a Brand-New Excuse, and if you haven't seen the episode, then stop reading this review and go check it out. It is one of the best episodes of the show. To give you a short summary of the episode, Will's father Lou suddenly comes back to his life, only to walk out of his life again shortly after because that's what deadbeat fathers do. Man, Will was enjoying spending the time he spent with his father and he was looking forward to finally having a relationship with him. And then, we get this memorable moment of the show.
(A clip from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air episode Papa's Got a Brand-New Excuse is shown)
Will (Played by Will Smith): (Shouts) To hell with him! I ain't need him then and I don't need him now.
Uncle Phil (Played by James Avery): Will…
Will: No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'ma get through college without him, I'ma get a great job without him, I'ma marry me a beautiful honey, and I'ma have me a whole bunch of kids. I'll be a better father than he ever was, and I sure as hell don't need him for that, 'cause ain't a damn thing he could ever teach me about how to love my kids! (Starts crying) How come he don't want me, man?
(Uncle Phil rushes forward to hug Will, and Will breaks down sobbing)
We cut back to Sean, who is seen wiping tears from off his face. He sniffs for a bit, then looks at the camera before he regains his composure.
"I'm not crying, you're crying!" Sean exclaimed. "Uh, don't tell me that this was on camera. I'll have to edit that out later."
Sean: (Narrating) Brilliant! Fucking brilliant! When we saw that episode and Will Smith's performance, he can act! Now, granted, Will Smith did star in the comedy-drama film Six Degrees of Separation, which came out around the time when The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was in it's fourth season, and he was pretty good in it as well.
"So yeah, it worked for Will Smith. He was a sitcom actor who acted in a dramatic role. As for Elizabeth Berkley…" Sean said.
(A clip from Saved by the Bell is shown. It's a scene from the season two episode Jessie's Song)
Jessie Spano (Played by Elizabeth Berkley): (Goes crazy and sings) I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so… (Cries in Zack's arms) …scared!
"Oh, boy. I can see why her career tanked after this movie. But then again, she did reprise her role as Jessie Spano in the Saved by the Bell reboot back in 2020, so that's a good thing." Sean said with a smile on his face. "But I'm still gonna make fun of your performance in this movie, because it is horribly bad."
Molly Abrams: Look, you can stay with me if you need a place to crash. It's not much. Until you get a job?
Nomi Malone: (Smiles) Are you hitting on me?
Molly Abrams: (Smiles back at Nomi) No.
"You know, if this was a porn parody of Showgirls, then Molly would definitely be doing more than hitting on Nomi, if you know what I mean." Sean said as he winked at the camera.
(We cut to the next scene and we see the caption that reads "6 Weeks Later")
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to six weeks later, as the film kindly lets us know. Thank you. Nomi and Molly become the best of friends and they're living together in Molly's home. Also, Nomi has got herself a job. Don't worry, we'll to that said job in the meantime. Also, this what Joe Eszterhas thinks how female roomies act.
Nomi Malone: Where are the chips?
Molly Abrams: I don't know.
Nomi Malone: You ate them, didn't you?
(Molly makes a noise)
Nomi Malone: Yes, you did.
Molly Abrams: No, I didn't.
Nomi Malone: You did!
"Hell, Sam & Cat have a better roomie relationship than these two." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Molly shows Nomi the sweet job that she's working at. She's the costume designer for the show Goddess at the Stardust Casino. I guess it's Bring Your Roomie to Work Day at the Stardust Casino. And Nomi gets to watch the show.
(Nomi watches the show going on as she sees the performance on stage)
Sean: (Narrating) Eh. I'd rather watch the film version of Cats.
(The poster for the 2019 film adaptation of Cats is shown)
(The male performers are removing the female performers' gold tops, their bare breasts are censored by a black box that reads "Not Safe for Kids!")
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, boy. The amount of black bars that I have to use for this review. But then again, this show Goddess is a topless dance revue, so expect to see some titties.
(One of the show's lead performers, Cristal Connors, played by Gina Gershon, waves her arms as Nomi mimics the move)
Sean makes a look on his face and he waves his arms very easily.
"Oh, come on. It's not that hard. It's very easy." Sean said as he waves his arms for a bit until he ends up hitting his hands together. "Ow, fuck!"
Sean: (Narrating) Molly takes Nomi backstage so she can meet the show's lead performer Cristal Connors, played by Gina Gershon, and…
Cristal Connors (Played by Gina Gershon): Molly, this top is way too tight. My breasts are just getting crushed in here.
Molly Abrams: I can loosen it for you.
"Or you can let me loosen that top for you and give those puppies a little tender love and care with my big, strong hands of mine." Sean said.
"Excuse me?!" Taylor exclaimed.
"Oh! Hi, Taylor! I didn't know that you were in the room. I thought I was alone." Sean said.
"Seriously?" Taylor asked as she raised an eyebrow at Sean.
"What? She said it, not me." Sean said.
"You keep on and no action for you for weeks." Taylor said before she leaves the living room.
"I better behave myself for this review. Codeword is "behave". But I can't make any promises that I can't keep." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Nomi gets a chance to meet Cristal. And you know what they about meeting your idols? Because idols will let you down. In that case, Cristal is a bitch towards Nomi when she says this to her right to her face.
Cristal Connors: Where do you dance at, darlin?
Nomi Malone: Um, at the Cheetah.
Cristal Connors: I don't know how good you are, darlin', and I don't know what it is you're good at, but if it's at the Cheetah, it's not dancing, I know that much.
(Nomi gets offended by Cristal's comment)
Nomi Malone: You don't know shit!
(Nomi storms off)
"Basically, she's calling her a "whore" right to her face." Sean said.
Molly Abrams: (To Nomi) I need my paycheck. I do not want her to be pissed at me.
Nomi Malone: I'm sorry!
Sean breaks down in laughter from Nomi's little outburst.
"Play it back, play it back." Sean said.
(The scene is shown again)
Nomi Malone: I'm sorry!
Sean continues to laugh once again.
"Oh, my God. What is up with Nomi's little outburst? It's too funny." Sean laughed.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, at least Molly has an idea to cheer Nomi up, is by taking her to a dance club, where….
(Nomi is doing some weird dancing as Sean witnesses this)
Sean: (Narrating) …oh, sweet Jesus! (Starts laughing) What the hell is she doing? That's dancing? You call that dancing?
Crave Club Heckler (Played by Michael Washington): She can dance, can't she?
James Smith (Played by Glenn Plummer): Yeah. She thinks she can.
"Seriously? You put that bitch in the same room as Elaine from Seinfeld and the two of them would have a dance-off to see who's the worse dancer." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) James Smith, played by Glenn Plummer, is a bouncer of the Crave Club, asks Nomi if he wants to dance with her, which he does and makes a crude remark about her dancing, in which he ends up getting kicked in the nuts and immediately gets into a fight. Nomi gets escorted out of the club for starting the fight and she ends up in jail, until she gets bailed out by James and she proceeds to act like a bitch towards him.
Nomi Malone: Back off, motherfucker!
James Smith: You know what? My head hurts, my dick hurts, and you got me fired from my fucking job.
Nomi Malone: Yeah, well shit happens, you know?
James Smith: Shit happens. What? That's it? That's what I get, fucking wisdom?
"Hey, just be glad that she didn't do more than kick you in the nuts. You should be grateful." Sean said.
James Smith: All I want is a cup of coffee.
Nomi Malone: Yeah?
James Smith: Yeah.
(Molly drives up in her car to pick up Nomi)
Nomi Malone: You got a quarter?
Molly Abrams: Sure. (Gives Nomi a quarter) Here.
(Nomi tosses the quarter to James and he catches it)
Nomi Malone: Buy yourself a cup.
"25 cents for a cup of coffee? Man, the coffee that I get from Starbucks costs more than that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Afterwards, we see Nomi at her job at Cheetah's Topless Club and we're introduced to some of Nomi's talented co-workers, like Henrietta Bazoom, played by Lin Tucci.
Guy: Pull your dress up.
Henrietta Bazoom (Played by Lin Tucci): Hey! You could never handle me with all these wrinkles of fat. Why, you'd never even find the thing.
(The male audience laughs)
Henrietta Bazoom: I'd have to piss on you to give you a clue.
"Now, that'll cost extra to do that. In fact, you can taste the bubbles." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Nomi's boss Al Torres, played by Robert Davi, introduces the new girl Penny, played by Rena Riffel, to the other showgirls and gives her tips on how to entertain the guys with a lap dance.
Al Torres (Played by Robert Davi): Got to talk them into it, okay? 50 bucks a pop, you take them in the back. Touch and go. They touch, they go. You can touch them. They cannot touch you.
Penny (Played by Rena Riffel): (Smiles) Oh, that's good.
Al Torres: Now, if they come, it's okay. If they take it out, come all over you, call the bouncer. Unless he gives you a big tip. If he gives you a big tip, it's okay. You got that?
"Didn't I hear that line from Johnny Sins?" Sean asked.
(A picture of Johnny Sins is shown with the quote that reads: "If they come, it's okay. -Johnny Sins")
Sean: (Narrating) Man, I could tell how uncomfortable she looks around him. I didn't know that one of the Fratelli Brothers from The Goonies could be this sleazy.
Al Torres: (To Nomi) And you. Where the fuck were you last night?
Nomi Malone: I was having my period, Al. You don't want me to get blood all over the place.
We cut back to Sean as he starts gagging for a bit while doing a Jim Carrey-style dry heave.
"What the hell?! Nobody needs to know about your… thing! Especially guys. Do not mention that to us. We do not do well with blood coming out of your woman parts." Sean said.
Al Torres: (To Penny) Now, if you want to last longer than a week, you'll give me a blowjob. First I get you used to the money, then I make you swallow.
"Ewww! I think that dude's been taking lessons from Harvey Weinstein." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Cristal arrives at the Cheetah with her boyfriend Zack Carey, played by Kyle MacLachlan…
(A clip from Dune is shown)
Paul Atreides (Played by Kyle MacLachlan): Long live the fighters!
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, the dude from Dune, 1984 David Lynch version. And with that hair, he looks like K.D. Lang. (A picture of K.D. Lang is shown next to Zack) Anyway, they're here to watch Nomi perform on stage. Oh, yeah, did I mention that Nomi is a stripper?
(Nomi seductively licks the stripper pole)
"Oh! Oh, God! Don't lick the pole! You don't know how many women been sliding down or grinding on that thing." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Cristal requests Zack a lap dance from Nomi and she takes them into a private room where she performs for Zack while Cristal watches.
(Cut to Sean watching the scene)
Sean: (While watching the scene that's playing) Oh, okay. She just removed the g-string and she's completely naked. And she's licking her nipple. I'm guessing Cristal is getting turned on from that. Is she waving her crotch in front of his face? Ewww! No way! Back away, tuna! And she's grinding on him and acting like one of those used car lot things. And Cristal's just enjoying the whole show. (His eyes widened in surprise) Damn! I think that dude just jizzed in his pants. Oh, he is so definitely changing his pants when he gets home. Who am I kidding? Getting a lap dance from Jessie Spano from Saved by the Bell for $500 and making me blow my load in my jeans while she grinds on me better be worth something.
(Cut back to the film as we see James spying on Nomi "entertaining" Zack, but he gets caught by the bouncer)
Sean: (Narrating) Boy, Vegas must be a really small town, because James just happens to be there to witness Nomi sluttin' it up in front of Zack and Cristal. But at least she got 500 off a lap dance.
Nomi Malone: Al, just stop.
(Nomi storms off)
Al Torres: You act like somebody died.
"Well, of course. Her career died after this movie's release." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, James goes to visit Nomi to talk to her about her dancing and that she's a natural talent at dancing. Also, just to tell her that he saw her banging Zack last night.
Nomi Malone: I didn't fuck him.
James Smith: Yeah, you did. You fucked him and her.
Nomi Malone: Hey! Are you following me around? I didn't fuck anybody.
James Smith: I saw you! Man, everybody got AIDS and shit.
"What?" Sean asked.
James Smith: Man, everybody got AIDS and shit.
"Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the world's stupid line ever." Sean said.
James Smith: Man, everybody got AIDS and shit.
"God, that line is so gloriously stupid. "Man, everybody got AIDS and shit." Try hearing him say that line with a straight face. I'm telling you right now, you'll laugh your ass off from hearing that line. It is so bad, I ended up cracking up from hearing it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, dude. I'm fairly certain not everybody got AIDS and shit and does this guy think you can get an STD from a lap dance. I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure that's not possible.
James Smith: You fuck them without fucking them. That's what you do. Well, it ain't right. You got too much talent for it to be right.
Nomi Malone: Get out of here!
James Smith: Bitch, I'm telling you the truth. You want me to go, I'm out of here.
"I don't need this shit. I was in Speed, bitch!" Sean exclaimed, imitating James.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Nomi and Molly do some shopping and she buys herself a fancy new dress. Also, Molly fangirls over a picture of this singer named Andrew Carver, who's coming to Vegas. Then, we cut back to Nomi's job where we see Nomi performing with Penny on stage and… (Sees two strippers kissing on stage while the men cheer) OH, MY GOD! TWO STRIPPERS LEZZING IT OUT!
Sean looks down at his crotch and starts talking to it.
"Hey, wake up. Wake up! You're missing out on some hot stuff here. This is what you and I talked about." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Nomi is then approached by the same guy from the beginning of the movie, Phil Newkirk played by Greg Travis respectively. Phil works at the Stardust Hotel and he tells Nomi a very promising job offer.
Phil Newkirk (Played by Greg Travis): Listen, there's a spot open in the chorus line. We're auditioning tomorrow morning. I think you should try out.
Nomi Malone: Me?
Phil Newkirk: Yeah, you.
Nomi Malone: You came here to ask me?
Phil Newkirk: When I saw you dance, I thought, "Yes."
(A clip from Top Gun is shown where we see Goose doing his sarcastic laugh)
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Nomi arrives at the audition for the chorus line for Goddess and she meets the show's sleazy director Tony Moss, played by Alan Rachins.
"Okay, first of all, that's Douglas Brackman from LA Law. And second, that's Douglas Brackman wearing a toupee!" Sean exclaimed. He stays silent for a moment before he breaks down in laughter.
(We cut to a clip from an episode of LA Law, where we see Stuart Markowitz, Ann Kelsey, Victor Sifuentes and Leland McKenzie break down in laughter after seeing Douglas wearing a toupee on his head)
Tony Moss (Played by Alan Rachins): Hey, Pollyanna.
Nomi Malone: What did you call me?
Tony Moss: I said you look like Pollyanna.
"Hey, asshole! Don't compare Jessie Spano to Ms. Bliss. She does not look like Ms. Bliss." Sean said as a picture of Hayley Mills as Ms. Bliss from Saved by the Bell is shown.
Tony Moss: Some of you probably heard that I'm a prick. I am a prick.
"Well, of course you're a prick. You played one on L.A. Law." Sean said as a picture of Douglas Brackman is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, the auditions go pretty nicely, with Tony Moss being a prick towards the women. And her audition is brutal with what she has to go through as Tony has her and the other women show off their breasts and Cristal watches and I'm guessing she loves the sight of Nomi's boobs. Then, Tony has a complaint about Nomi's nipples.
Tony Moss: You got something wrong with your nipples?
Nomi Malone: No.
Tony Moss: They're not sticking up. Stick them up.
Nomi Malone: What?
Tony Moss: Play with them a little bit.
(Nomi looks at Cristal. Cristal watches Nomi and smiles at her)
Tony Moss: I'm erect. Why aren't you erect?
"Oh, God. That's the sleaziest line I've ever heard from a movie character. Hell, isn't that what Dan Fielding from Night Court said?" Sean asked.
(A picture of John Larroquette as Dan Fielding in Night Court is shown with the quote that reads: "I'm erect. Why aren't you erect? -Dan Fielding, Night Court")
(Tony grabs some ice cubes)
Tony Moss: Here, put some ice on them.
Sean: (V/O as Nomi) Well, now that I think about it, maybe I should…
(Nomi slaps the ice cubes from out of Tony's hands and storms off)
Sean: (V/O) NOMI SMASH! I ice my nipples for no man!
(Cristal approaches Nomi)
Nomi Malone: You got me the audition, didn't you?
Cristal Connors: Mmm-hmm.
Nomi Malone: Why?
Cristal Connors: Maybe I like the way you dance. Maybe I like you.
"Maybe I wanna have a lesbian relationship with you, Nomi. I'm very deeply attracted to you." Sean said, imitating Cristal.
Sean: (Narrating) Nomi bumps into James, who now has a new job as a bellboy at the Stardust, but she's not in the mood to talk to him about what she went through and he tells her that she does not want to be in a show like this and what she does is honest work.
James Smith: They want tits and ass, you give them tits and ass. Here, they pretend they want to something else, and you still show them tits and ass.
"Isn't that what Paul Verhoeven said to Elizabeth Berkley?" Sean asked.
Bell Captain (Played by Lance Davis): Hey, Smith. You want to work her, you work her on your own time. You got it? Now, go over there and start lining those bags.
James Smith: I'm talking to her.
Bell Captain: You're what?
James Smith: I said I'm talking to her. I'm not working her. I'm talking to her. And you're interrupting my conversation, and that's rude. Now, get the fuck out of here! Asshole. (Takes off his jacket)
Bell Captain: You're fired!
James Smith: Yeah? (Throws his jacket at the Bell Captain) Take this jacket.
"Well, that's another job that he lost. Man, everybody got unemployment and shit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) James gets to know Nomi and he takes her to his place and he gives her a little dance lesson.
(James and Nomi start dancing)
"I guess you could call it a dance lesson. But you know what would make this scene pretty funny? If I added kung fu sounds to it." Sean said.
(Kung Fu sound effects play throughout the scene where James and Nomi are dancing. Back to the scene, where we see that Nomi's dance lesson leads to her and James making out)
Sean: (Narrating) Wow, that escalated quickly. I guess that steamy dance lesson leads to some making out.
"Hey, if this leads to some Blacked-type sex, then this is gonna be hot." Sean said, then immediately looks down at his crotch to notice a big surprise. "Looks like somebody woke up."
Sean: (Narrating) I'm sure nothing's gonna ruin this hot scene…
Nomi Malone: I got my period.
James Smith: Yeah, right.
Nomi Malone: Check.
(James checks Nomi by sticking his hand down her pants and sees that she's on her period)
Nomi Malone: See?
(Nomi gets up off of James' lap and walks away)
James Smith: It's all right. I got towels.
Sean stays silent with a shocked look on his face as he gets up from off of the couch and makes his way upstairs and into the bathroom. He shuts the door behind him and we hear the sound of him vomiting violently.
(The words "A Few Moments Later" appear on screen)
Narrator: A few moments later…
Sean returns to the living room and sits back down on his couch. He stays silent for a bit before looking up at the camera, then looks down at his crotch for a bit before looking back up.
"I have no words. Period." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, so much for killing my hard-on, movie. Let a woman announce to the guy that she's on her period. But you know what they say, "Whenever there's a period, there's always a colon.".
(A clip from High School High is shown)
Librarian: You suck!
Sean: (Narrating) Nomi calls Tony Moss back and she still gets the job, but before she takes it, she goes to the Cheetah to tell Al that she quits, but Al begs for her to stay.
Al Torres: They giving you a better cut? I'll match it.
Nomi Malone: I'm in Goddess at the Stardust.
(Al laughs)
Henrietta Bazoom: What's so fucking funny?
Al Torres: She's going down to the Stardust. She's going to be in the show.
Henrietta Bazoom: Well, good for her. La-dee-da-dee-da-dee-da. She'll be back.
Nomi Malone: No, I won't. I'll never come back.
Al Torres: You're a fucking stripper. Don't you get it?
Nomi Malone: I'm a dancer.
Al Torres: If you're a dancer, then Henry's the fucking Virgin Mary.
"Hell, if she's a dancer, then I'm having a foursome with Dana and Karen Foster and Alicia Lambert from Step by Step." Sean said as a picture of Karen and Dana Foster and Alicia "Al" Lambert from Step by Step is shown.
Al Torres: I'm not hiring you back. You hear me? Not even if you give me a fucking blowjob!
Sean breaks down in laughter from hearing Al's line. "What is with these fucking lines in this movie? I swear, if you play these three lines back-to-back-to-back, then you'll laugh your asses off."
James Smith: Man, everybody got AIDS and shit.
Tony Moss: I'm erect. Why aren't you erect?
Al Torres: Not even if you give me a fucking blowjob!
"I swear, this movie is gonna make me piss my pants with these hilarious lines. I think Joe Eszterhas wrote this movie like a friggin' twelve-year-old." Sean said while laughing.
Sean: (Narrating) Nomi goes over to James' place to tell him the big news and to celebrate, but he doesn't take the news too lightly, also it turns out that James has moved on to somebody else, which is Nomi's former co-worker Penny.
Nomi Malone: Is she going to be in your number?
James Smith: (To Penny) I'll be right there. (Closes the door) She can't dance.
Nomi Malone: Yeah, but you're going to teach her, right? She's got talent. Right?
James Smith: You know, you and me, we ain't got no ties.
Nomi Malone: Dancing and fucking. Right?
James Smith: Yeah. That's right.
Nomi Malone: See ya.
"So, they have a brief little relationship, and she tells him that she's on her… thing. And yet, he sticks his dick into another stripper that he sees. Man, everybody's getting dumped and shit." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The next day, Nomi goes to see Tony Moss for her audition, and she makes a great first impression on him.
Tony Moss: Nice dress.
Nomi Malone: Thanks. I bought it at Versayce.
"Okay, that part got me cracking up because she mispronounced "Versace". How long will it take for her to know that it's pronounced "Versace"?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Tony introduces Nomi to the show's choreographer Marty Jacobsen played by Patrick Bristow and the line captain Gay Carpenter played by Michelle Johnson and they show them around the dressing room and they take her to Personel, where she ends up lying on her profile. Oh, I'm sure it won't come back to bite her on the ass. Afterwards, she meets up with Phil and Zack to congratulate her.
Zack Carey (Played by Kyle MacLachlan): Nice dress.
Nomi Malone: Thanks. It's a Versayce.
Zack Carey: It's Versace.
Nomi Malone: What?
Zack Carey: Versace. It's pronounced Versace.
"Well, at least he told her that." Sean said. "Hell, this sounds like something that Karen Foster from Step by Step would do. She would mispronounce Versace by calling it "Versayce", because she's ditzy like that." Sean said.
(A picture of Angela Watson as Karen Foster in Step by Step is shown with the quote that reads "Thanks. It's a Versayce -Karen Foster, Step by Step")
"London Tipton would probably do the same thing." Brian said.
Sean: (Narrating) Nomi practices for the show and she makes her big stage debut on the night of the show. Which is pretty hectic and it consists of…
(Monkeys are running around the dressing room and the chimp trainer is chasing after them)
Sean: (Narrating) …what the hell?
(A clip from Super Mario Bros. is shown)
King Koopa (Played by Dennis Hopper): Monkey!
"I cannot believe that I referenced Super Mario Bros. for this review. The 1993 version, not the 2023 animated version. I'll be damned if I make a reference to that movie." Sean said.
Annie (Played by Ungela Brockman): Julie, you fucking slut, you touch my makeup again I'll fucking kill you!
Julie (Played by Melinda Songer Soderling): Oh, I'm a slut? You fucked that pizza kid from the pizza place!
Annie: Well, you fucked the meter reader!
Julie: Bitch!
(Julie throws lotion at Annie and it gets all over her)
Annie: You're fucking dead!
(Annie charges at Julie while cat sounds play during the catfight between the two of them)
"Yeah, this is how Joe Eszterhas thinks how women act." Sean said.
Marty Jacobsen (Played by Patrick Bristow): (To Nomi) Last chance ice.
(Nomi grabs some ice cubes for her nipples)
"Uh, after you're finished rubbing ice on your nipples, could you put some in my glass? My Dr. Pepper is getting warm." Sean said while he's holding a whiskey glass filled with Dr. Pepper in his hand.
Sean: (Narrating) So anyway, we get to see Nomi performing on stage and you're not missing much. Just some bad dancing and Nomi slips on monkey shit and she gets topless. Well, at least she didn't fall in it. And afterwards, she had a wonderful performance and one hell of a night. That is until, James shows up to talk to Nomi. But, she's not in the mood to hear him talk after what he did.
James Smith: Okay. Look, I just wanted to say…
Nomi Malone: You and me ain't got no ties.
James Smith: I have a problem with pussy. I always have, and I'm always gonna.
"Come on. Guys like me never have a problem with pussy." Sean said as he picked up his cat Riley. "Ain't that right, Riley? That's right! That's right!"
Riley meows at Sean as the young movie critic turns his attention to the camera and gives it a look.
"What? Y'all thought I was gonna talk about something else? Get your minds out of the gutter, you perverts." Sean said.
Nomi Malone: Look, I'm not interested in your problems. Okay?
James Smith: Look, I did write it for you, yeah, but I did tell her I was gonna teach her and I did fuck her.
Nomi Malone: Who you fuck is your business, and I'm not making it mine.
"Besides, I'll fuck anyone in this town, and it's none of your business." Sean said, imitating Nomi.
Sean: (Narrating) Nomi shows up on stage but then she sees Cristal, who was just waiting for her while doing some cocaine. Actually, Cristal is going to show Nomi some moves and also for her to be friends with Nomi. And I don't know if I brought this up, but Gina Gershon is the best damn part about Showgirls.
"I'm not kidding. The reason why I always go back to Showgirls is because of Gina Gershon's performance." Sean said.
(Clips of Gina Gershon as Cristal Connors is shown in a montage)
Sean: (Narrating) I swear, she is having so much fun in this movie. Everyone is acting like they're in a super-serious production, but Gershon knows what kind of movie she's in and she's just havin' a ball with this performance. I mean, how can you take this film seriously with dialogue like that?
Cristal Connors: You have great tits./I like nice tits. I always have. How about you?
"Again, this was written by a guy." Sean said as a picture of Joe Eszterhas is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Nomi and Cristal go out to eat and the two begin to bond after sharing their love for Dog Chow. Weird. And again, we get some of Joe Eszterhas dialogue on what women talk about.
Cristal Connors: You have great tits. They're really beautiful.
Nomi Malone: (Smiles at Cristal) Thank you.
Cristal Connors: I like nice tits. I always have. How about you?
Nomi Malone: I like having nice tits.
Cristal Connors: How do you like having them?
Nomi Malone: I like having them in a nice dress or a tight top.
"I bet ya $50 that Joe Eszterhas was typing this script with one hand." Sean said.
Cristal Connors: You are a whore, darlin'.
Nomi Malone: No, I'm not.
Cristal Connors: We all are. We take the cash, we cash the check, we show them what they want to see.
"And it gives us guys the opportunity to…" Sean said.
Suddenly, Sean stops talking as he looks down to see the barrel of a Franchi SPAS-12 shotgun pointed at his crotch before he looks up to see Taylor threatening him with it.
"Don't you dare finish that sentence, Sean." Taylor said. "One more sexual remark from you and your balls are getting blown to bits. Nod your head if you understand."
Sean stays silent and nods his head while Taylor smiles at him.
"Good. I'll go fix us some porterhouse steaks for dinner. And for dessert, apple cobbler. Love you." Taylor said as she kisses Sean on the cheek and leaves the room.
"Well… shit. So much for my remark. God, she scares me." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After their little meal, Nomi and Cristal head back for Nomi's little dance lesson with some pretty sensual moves and some pretty good music, leading to…
(Cristal rips Nomi's top off, revealing her breast. A black bar with the words "NO WAY, JOSE!" is shown covering Nomi's breasts)
"Oh, snap." Sean said as his eyes widened in surprise.
(Cristal seduces Nomi as she prepares to kiss her)
"Yes, yes, yes!" Sean exclaimed.
Cristal Connors: You see, darlin'? You are a whore.
(Nomi backs away from Cristal)
Nomi Malone: Bitch!
(Nomi puts her top back on and storms off)
Cristal Connors: I guess we're done.
"Goddamn it! Why did you have to tease us, Verhoeven? We were expecting to see those two scissoring on stage, and yet you had to ruin it with Cristal calling Nomi a whore. Shame on you. This is why we can't have nice things." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After that cock teasing scene, we cut back to the show and we see that one of the performers have brought her kids to work. And they want to see the monkeys. But hearing the children's voices proves too annoying for another rival performer.
Annie: Will you get these fucking kids out of here.
Julie's Daughter (Played by Ashley Nation): You said the "F" word. She said the "F" word. You said the "F" word.
Annie: Shut the fuck up.
(Julie's daughter looks hurt and she hugs her mother and cries as Julie comforts her)
Julie: (To her daughter) Shh. It's okay.
(Annie and Julie are glaring at each other)
"You made my daughter cry, you bitch." Sean said, imitating Julie. "Now, you're gonna pay."
Sean: (Narrating) Phil tells Nomi that there's a boat convention coming to town and he wants her to be a part of it. Plus, it pays $1,000. She agrees to do the job, but Molly tells her not to do it because she knows girls who've done it before and they didn't like it. So, she does it anyway because who's gonna pass up $1,000? During the convention, Phil introduces Nomi to his friend Mr. Okida, played by Jim Ishida. Then, Nomi makes a little discovery.
Phil Newkirk: We want to take you girls to dinner after the show. Have some lobster, hear Caesar sing. You ever heard Caesar sing? Man, that guy is great. You'll love him.
Mr. Okida (Played by Jim Ishida): Caesar sing.
Phil Newkirk: Yeah. Caesar will sing, and then we'll go back to my place and we'll sing, just the four of us.
(The image freezes on Nomi's face with a picture of Nomi, Phil, Mr. Okida and Julie, then a picture of a fancy mansion and the last image which is a clip from Batman Returns)
Max Schrek (Played by Christopher Walken): Unlimited poontang.
Mr. Okida: (Smiles at Nomi) We sing.
Nomi Malone: Not me.
(Nomi storms off)
"Turns out that little "boat convention" was just a prostitution set-up. Real classy, dude. Real classy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Nomi goes to talk to Zack about what Phil has done and he gives him some choice words and he tells him that he owes Nomi an apology. Well, at least he has Nomi's back.
(After Nomi leaves, Zack calls Phil)
Zack Carey: Phil, you dumb fuck, get back up here, would ya? (Chuckles) I know. I know.
"Hey, can't you tell I'm the bigger scumbag of this movie?" Sean said, imitating Zack.
(Nomi confronts Cristal in her dressing room while she's shaving her legs)
Nomi Malone: I want to thank you for looking out for me. So nice to recommend me to Phil.
Cristal Connors: What are friends for?
Nomi Malone: Right.
"In other words, that's Nomi's way of saying, "Fuck you, bitch."." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We get another dance number of the Goddess show and I swear I'm watching a show that's produced by Penthouse with music by Kenny G. And remember that rivalry between those two performers? Well, it comes to an end when this happens.
(During the performance, Julie drops some beads on the floor as Nomi witnesses this. This causes the male performer, who was carrying Annie, to trip and fall. Annie screams as she falls off of the male performer and hits the floor, injuring her. Julie smiles as she sees this)
"Nobody yells at my kid and gets away with it." Sean said, imitating Julie.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, don't you just love how she just lands on her ass?
(The images freezes on Annie landing on her butt. We see the words, "She Landed On Her Ass!" is shown. We then see Annie holding her knee)
Sean: (Narrating) And in the next shot, she is seen holding her knee. Plus, I would like to point out that they did the performance while she is writhing and screaming in pain with a broken leg. Fuck the performance! That bitch has a broken leg! Get her to a hospital!
"Can you imagine something like that happening to me during the review?" Sean asked.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean lying on the floor typing on his laptop after he injures his leg)
Sean: Oh, God!
Taylor: Sean, why are you busy working on the script for the review? I gotta get you to a hospital.
Sean: I can't. I gotta finish my next review. I gotta get it done by the end of this month.
(Sean screams in pain)
Sean: Who's the idiot that left the Hot Wheels on the floor?
Taylor: You did.
Sean: Oh, right. I was playing with them and I forgot to pick them up. Oops. OW!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) Al and Henrietta come to visit Nomi and to congratulate her on her success and that they miss her. And also to wish her well.
Al Torres: I saw the show. You look good.
Nomi Malone: Thank you, Al.
(Al touches the side of Nomi's face)
Al Torres: Real good. You take care, kid.
"Well, that's nice of Al. You know, this is the closest thing we get to a touching scene. Nice job, movie. Nice job." Sean said.
Al Torres: Must be weird not having anybody cum on you.
Sean becomes speechless after hearing that line. After a moment of silence, Sean starts saying something.
"Play the clip." Sean said.
(A clip from Animaniacs is shown)
Yakko Warner (Played by Rob Paulsen): Mwah! Goodnight, everybody!
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Nomi rides with Zack and she goes to his place for some champagne and by seducing Zack.
Nomi Malone: I liked it when you came. I liked your eyes.
"Hey, I don't know about you or anyone else but who has an orgasm with their eyes open? Never have I known anyone who's ever had an orgasm with their eyes open." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And then we get the most hilarious sex scene in movie history.
"And as much as I want to show this scene, I don't want to because, you know, dark cloud of demonetization, just trust me on this one. If you've seen the movie Color of Night and it's steamy sex scene between Bruce Willis and Jane March, this sex scene is laughably bad. In fact, here's my reaction to the scene." Sean said.
(We cut to Sean watching the hilarious sex scene between Nomi and Zack)
Sean: Look at that. He's pouring champagne on her head. I bet ya, she can definitely taste the bubbles. (Keeps watching) Okay, we get some making out and… what the? Is she? Is she riding his belly button? She's riding his belly button! I'm pretty sure that his dick is lower than that. (He laughs from watching the sex scene) Look at her! She's flopping around like a dead fish! (Continues to laugh) I've seen scenes from Brazzers much hotter than that. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if she came all over his belly button while he jizzed in the pool because that's the nut he needs! Ohh! Man, I'm so glad that I'm old enough to watch this movie. And we get to see Jessie Spano's tits. She has a nice pair.
"Yeah, just watch the scene. You'll die laughing. And let's just say that she got herself a great ab workout." Sean said.
(The next scene cuts to Nomi and Zack in the bedroom)
Sean: (Narrating) After their little sex session, if you want to call it that, Nomi gets dressed and about to leave's Zack's place, until Zack tells her that there's an understudy audition at noon since Cristal needs a new understudy after Annie breaks her leg.
Nomi Malone: Would you have told me about it if I hadn't come here?
Zack Carey: It wasn't my idea to come here. It was yours.
"Uh, she didn't really cum. She practically faked it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, looks like Nomi is sleeping her way to the top as we see her auditioning to be Cristal's understudy for the show.
Tony Moss: Julie.
Zack Carey: She's not hot enough, Tone.
Tony Moss: She's got it down.
Zack Carey: You can teach them to get it down.
"All this bad dancing is keeping Sean Jr. down." Sean said.
Zack Carey: Nomi's got heat.
Cristal Connors: Does she now?
Marty Jacobsen: Yes, she does.
(Cristal glares at him)
Marty Jacobsen: In a totally different way, of course.
"Well, you're not the one that tries to sleep or sleep with Nomi." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And to see how much of a scumbag Zack is, he asks Phil to find out more about Nomi. Also, Cristal is a bit jealous that Zack banged Nomi. Again, I wouldn't call it sex.
Cristal Connors: You fuck him for the spot or you fuck him because you wanted to? I say you did it for the spot.
Nomi Malone: Is that what you did, Cristal?
Cristal Connors: You don't want to piss me off now that we're friends.
Nomi Malone: No. You shouldn't get pissed off. It makes you look older.
(Nomi pinches Cristal's cheek. Cristal slaps Nomi's hand away from her face)
"Please let there be a catfight between the two of them. Please let there be a catfight between the two of them. Because I'm hoping for the both of them to make out." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Zack tells Nomi that she's got understudy job, which she is happy about. So yeah, things are going great for Nomi. Later, she heads down to The Crave Club to check out James's dance number with Penny and it turns out that things aren't going great for him as people are heckling him.
Nomi Malone: I loved it. It was good.
James Smith: What are you doing here? Slumming?
"No, just to watch you bad dance number." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Oh, and he tells Nomi that him and Penny are getting married and that Penny is pregnant as well. Man, everybody's getting pregnant and shit. But enough about him, as Nomi heads back to the Stardust dressing room, only to find a letter that's letting her know that they are unable to offer her the understudy job. She confronts Zack about it and he tells Nomi that he didn't have a choice because Cristal threatens legal action against the Stardust. Then, Nomi confronts Cristal to give her a piece of her mind.
Cristal Connors: You think you could do my nails now?
(Nomi stays silent and glares at her)
Cristal Connors: Okay. Maybe some other time.
"Right now, she's thinking about pushing you down the stairs right now." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to this nonsense and again, I can't show you much because boobies. Then, you have Nomi and Cristal taunting each other with dance moves. (Imitates Cristal) Yeah, taunt me with your nice tits, darlin'. (In a normal voice) And after Nomi has had enough, she decides to do this to Cristal.
(Nomi pushes Cristal down a flight of stairs)
(A clip from Eddie Murphy: Delirious is shown)
Eddie Murphy: Lillian, the bitch is falling down the steps again!
Gay Carpenter: What happened?
Nomi Malone: I don't know. She just went down.
Julie: She slipped. I saw it. Nomi wasn't even close to her.
"Yeah, Cristal slipped in some monkey shit. I told you it was a bad idea to let those monkeys out." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Cristal gets sent to the hospital, so she's out of commission. Molly is pissed at Nomi because she knows that she's the one that pushed Cristal down the stairs. This doesn't bode well with Zack and the others because Cristal is the big star of the show and they have to shut the show down.
Mr. Karlman (Played by Al Ruscio): Not a chance. The show goes on. The Stardust is never dark. It has never been. It never will be, not while I'm alive.
"Hate to break it to you, dude. The Stardust closed it's doors back in 2006. So, you're shit out of luck." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, they have no choice. And what do people do in Vegas?
Zack Carey: We gamble.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Nomi gets Cristal's job and becomes the star of the show. But, Molly isn't too happy with Nomi and she talks to her about it.
Molly Abrams: You pushed her didn't you?
Nomi Malone: No. How can you talk that shit to me? Julie saw it.
Molly Abrams: She couldn't have seen it. I saw Julie. And her back was to you.
Nomi Malone: She saw it.
"Besides, she slipped on some monkey shit and fell down the stairs. You know it's not me." Sean said, imitating Nomi.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah. Things are going great for Nomi. She's the big star of the show, vanquishes her enemies and she gets the guy. The end.
(A clip from the Looney Tunes short Duck Amuck is shown as the title card "The End" is shown)
Daffy Duck (Voiced by Mel Blanc): (Pushes the card out of the way) NO! NO!
"Yeah, I'm kidding. We only got about 20 minutes left in the film. So sit back down." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Nomi's opening-night celebration at a lavish hotel and Molly attends to support her best friend. Oh, so I see that she forgot about that whole Nomi pushing Cristal down the stairs. Also attending the party is this Michael Bolton-looking son of a bitch named Andrew Carver, played by William Shockley. Who I just realized while reading up on the movie and looking up the cast list, he was on RoboCop and he played the guy who got shot in the dick by RoboCop.
Zack Carey: Andrew Carver, Nomi Malone.
Andrew Carver (Played by William Shockley): (Shakes Nomi's hand) How you doin'? You were sensational tonight.
Nomi Malone: Thank you.
Andrew Carver: You're welcome.
Nomi Malone: I like your songs.
Andrew Carver: Thank you, I like your ass.
"Boy, he sounds like a charming gentleman." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Nomi introduces Molly to Andrew since she's one of his biggest fans. He takes her to his room and remember what I said about meeting your idols earlier? Well, it turns out that Andrew Carver is a bigger scumbag because him and his bodyguards beat her and they gang-rape her. And I have to say, it's a pretty brutal scene to watch. Nomi gets Molly to the hospital and she tries to call the cops on Andrew, and remember that little ID check that Zack ran on her? Well, here's the thing about Nomi: it isn't her real name. And Zack reveals her real name to her.
Zack Carey: Polly Ann Costello. Your father killed your mother, then killed himself. You ran away from a foster home in Oakland, December 1990. Arrests, Denver, soliciting.
Nomi Malone: Stop it!
Zack Carey: San Jose, soliciting. Cheyenne, soliciting. Shall I read the rest of them? Huh? Possession of crack cocaine. Assault with a deadly weapon.
"Possession of caffeine pills, 1990. And guest starring in an episode of Step by Step, 1992. The list goes on!" Sean yelled out.
Zack Carey: Tell me something. Why did you stop hooking? You had your future pretty well mapped out for yourself.
Nomi Malone: I did what I had to do.
Zack Carey: Just like you did with Cristal.
Nomi Malone: I'm not a whore.
"Oh, really? Then explain why you were riding his belly button in the pool?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Zack tells Nomi that Andrew is the biggest celebrity in Vegas and he'll be a part of the Stardust team. And as for Molly, the Stardust will probably bribe her with hush money. Just to show how much of a douchebag he is, Zack blackmails Nomi by vowing not to reveal her past if she keeps her mouth shut. But Nomi wants justice for her best friend and she's not going to let this long-haired freak get away with it. So she goes to Carver's hotel room to give him a little action and…
(A topless Nomi start beating Carver)
"What? What? What? What? What?" Sean asked while trying to break down in laughter.
Sean: (Laughing while the scene plays out) What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? (Laughs)
"Stop, stop, stop. Oh, Jesus Christ, movie. I can't. I can't take this scene seriously." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) How do you expect me to take Nomi's vengeful wrath seriously when she is topless and kicking the shit out of this Michael Bolton wannabe?
Sean: (V/O as Carver) (Sings) When a man loves a wom… (Screams as Nomi beats him) AAAAHHHH! Tell me how am I supposed to live with…. OWWWWW!
(After beating up Carver, Nomi steps out of the room while the bodyguards are sitting down and playing cards)
Nomi Malone: He says he wants to sleep.
Carver's Bodyguard #1 (Played by Matt Battaglia): Tired him out, huh?
Nomi Malone: Yeah.
"Well, of course she tired him out. She tired him out with an ass beating. Also, these are the laziest bodyguards ever. They're busy playing cards while their boss is getting the everloving shit beaten out of him by a topless Jessie Spano." Sean said.
(Cut to the TV version of Showgirls, where we see that Nomi's top is painted back on her while she's beating up Carver)
Sean: (Narrating) But you wanna know what makes this scene even more hilarious? The edited-for-TV version because they painted her top back on her. Also, she is very lucky that Carver's bodyguards were in the same room with them. And I know that Carver's been punished, but what about the bodyguards? They're guilty as well and they should be punished too. Eh, screw it. The movie is almost over, so let's wrap this up. Nomi goes to visit Molly to tell her that she beat the shit out of him, and she makes a visit to Cristal's room, and she happens to be in the same hospital as Molly and the two make amends.
Nomi Malone: I'm sorry, Cristal.
Cristal Connors: Yeah, I know just how sorry you are. How do you think I got my first lead? There's always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you.
Nomi Malone: Why didn't you tell anyone?
Cristal Connors: Oh, hell, darlin'. I needed a rest. Besides my lawyers got me a real nice settlement.
"Man, everybody got lawyers and shit." Sean said.
Nomi Malone: I gotta go.
Cristal Connors: Aren't you going to come here and give me a big kiss?
(Nomi leans in and kisses Cristal on the lips while Ode to Joy plays in the background)
"YES! WE GET TWO CHICKS KISSING! FINALLY! YES! I would've gotten to see a girl/girl scene between Nomi and Cristal, but that'll do. Gina Gershon will lez it out with Jennifer Tilly in the movie Bound a year later. But I know that there are Nomi/Cristal fanfics out there. And right now, I'm composing one right in my head." Sean said with a naughty smirk on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, after seeing a really hot lesbian kiss between Nomi and Cristal, Nomi leaves Vegas until she happens to hitch a ride with the same guy who picked her up from before and stole her stuff. Well, you know what that means, payback is a bitch.
(Nomi pulls out her switchblade and threatens Jeff with it)
Nomi Malone: I want my fucking suitcase, asshole!
"Man, you don't see odds like this, even in Vegas." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And the film ends with Nomi leaving Vegas and hits the road to L.A. for her next adventure. The end.
"And that was Showgirls. Man, what a hilarious disaster." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, you could've had a sequel to this film, which would deal with Nomi tackling L.A., but that one wasn't made because of the failure of the movie. Hell, the sequel we got years later was one that focuses on Rina Riffel's character Penny. And no, I'm not gonna review that one as well. It's a long movie and a lot of it feels like padding. You have some side plots that don't go anywhere, characters are thrown to the side. Nomi is fifty shades of pissed off in the movie but remember, she's not a whore. She's an unlikable character but her portrayal of pain and frustration with little tantrums make her look childish. Plus, the twist of her tough childhood backstory sucked. They could've set her up as an innocent character. I'm not surprised of any of those things. The best damn character in the movie is Cristal, plus I love Gina Gershon in the movie. The movie is a trainwreck and it feels like a high school production. It damaged Elizabeth Berkley's career. I mean, it's a shame because she was so excited to do more movies.
(The same clip from Saved by the Bell is shown)
Jessie Spano: (Goes crazy and sings) I'm so excited! I'm so excited!
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, yeah, yeah. You knew that joke was coming. At one point, the filmmakers claimed that they were creating a comedy or satire. Yeah, you don't put rape scenes in comedies, dude. Anyway, Showgirls is not a good movie. If you're looking for a good laugh, watch it with your friends and bring the alcohol with you. It is funny without even trying. It's cheesy, over-the-top and vulgar and honestly, I love it just so I can laugh my ass off because this movie feels like a comedy. Showgirls comes in at 2 licked stripper poles out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- I'm erect. Why aren't you erect?
Man, did I have a ball writing this review. Yeah, Showgirls is a movie that you have to see to believe. It's one of those bad films that you'll end up laughing. Anyway, that's the new chapter of The Mayhem Critic, so what did you think of the review? And what did you think of the movie Showgirls? If you seen the movie. I would love to hear your thoughts about the movie. Also, I'm glad that Animaniacs made fun of Joe Eszterhas in one of their episodes. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, I have two choices. Two good ones that I'm trying to pick out. Here are the two choices:
TGIF: Sean and his friends relive the fond memories of ABC's Friday night programming block.
Action Jackson: Sean reviews the 1988 action-comedy starring the late Carl Weathers and pays tribute to him as he shares his love for the movie.
So, which one should I talk about next? Also, I've picked out another theme month for this year. And it's going to be Seagal Month, in which I talk about some of the films from Steven Seagal. Here are the movies that I'm going to review for Seagal Month:
Under Siege
Marked for Death
Out for Justice
The Glimmer Man
On Deadly Ground
Which movie are you excited for me to review for Seagal Month? Don't forget to review the new chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you have a request for a nostalgic movie or TV show for me to review, then feel free to comment of PM me and if anyone is interested in working on the TGIF review with me, then feel free to PM me, if you're interested. Till next time, my fellow readers. And remember… everybody's making bad movies and shit.