The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I am here to bring you another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic and a happy March to you all. Well, it's March and you know what that means. It's time for another annual theme month for The Mayhem Critic. So, who will Sean the Mayhem Critic talk about today? He's going to be talking about the man with the short fuse and the ponytail. And of course I'm talking about Steven Seagal. That's right… IT'S SEAGAL MONTH! (Originally called Steven Seagal Month) And today, Sean is kicking off Seagal Month by talking about the best Steven Seagal movie of all-time. And that movie is Under Siege, a film that Seagal is best known for and it's the only Seagal movie that's a box-office hit. So sit back, relax and enjoy the first week of Seagal Month for The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Under Siege is owned by Warner Bros., Regency Enterprises, Le Studio Canal and Alcor Films.
Seagal Month Part I: Under Siege
(We do the usual Mayhem Critic intro, only with Sean and Brian doing the voiceovers as Steven Seagal and the music supervisor)
Sean/Steven Seagal: (V/O) Hey, hey, hey! Yo! What's with this music? This isn't the music that I chose for the intro. Where's the blues guitar?
Brian/Music Supervisor: (V/O) Sorry, Mr. Seagal. But Tears For Fears' song is being used for the intro.
Sean/Steven Seagal: (V/O) Who cares about those chumps? I want the blues guitar.
Brian/Music Supervisor: (V/O) But, we don't have a blues guitar.
Sean/Steven Seagal: (V/O) Get rid of the song.
Brian/Music Supervisor: (V/O) But Mr. Seagal…
(We hear the sound of Sean/Steven breaking Brian/Music Supervisor's neck)
Sean/Steven Seagal: (V/O) I wanna hear the blues guitar next time while the intro plays. You got it? Good. Now, let's start the show.
After the intro ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch as he starts his introduction for today's show.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And welcome to Seagal Month!" Sean exclaimed.
(Clips from various Seagal movies play)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this bizarre madman? How did you become so great back in the '80s and 90s and ended up in the bargain bin of direct-to-DVD movies? Yeah, we all loved Steven Seagal back then with his awesome ponytail and his martial arts with some of his earlier films. But now, he's become a biggest joke for all of us. And how should I say this about him?
"Umm, he's batshit insane!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, here's some thing that you should know about Seagal. The dude supports Vladimir Putin, he was appointed Russia's special envoy to the U.S., hosting Saturday Night Live and not being funny, having multiple women accused him of sexual harassment or assault and looking like a rolly polly donut-eating bitch.
"Back in the late '80s and early '90s, he's done three films that were box-office hits and made him an action star. Until in 1992, he did a film that became a critical and commercial success and his best film ever. Under Siege!" Sean exclaimed.
(The title screen for "Under Siege" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the main title music composed by Gary Chang plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, before you all come after me for making fun of this movie, I would just like to point out that I love this movie. Under Siege was released in theaters on October 9th, 1992. Written by the writer of Pretty Woman J.F. Lawton. (A picture of screenwriter J.F. Lawton is shown followed by a poster for the 1990 movie Pretty Woman) Yeah, he wrote the movie Pretty Woman and he was the co-writer of the 2006 film adaptation of DOA: Dead or Alive. (The poster for DOA: Dead or Alive is shown) Yeah, that one sucked balls. I'd rather stick with DOA: Xtreme Beach Volleyball (A picture of Tina Armstrong from DOA: Xtreme Beach Volleyball is shown). The film reunited Seagal with Above the Law director Andrew Davis, who would go on to direct this little film…
(A clip from The Fugitive is shown)
Dr. Richard Kimble (Played by Harrison Ford): (Holding Gerard at gunpoint) I didn't kill my wife!
Deputy Marshal Samuel Gerard (Played by Tommy Lee Jones): I don't care!
Sean: (Narrating) This is the only Steven Seagal movie to be nominated for an Academy Award, well, two Academy Award nominations for Best Sound Effects Editing and Best Sound, but it lost out to Bram Stoker's Dracula and The Last of the Mohicans. Rotten Tomatoes gave the film a score of 80%, based on reviews from 30 critics. Even though this is a good Seagal movie, it will have some goofy, over-the-top and questionable moments. But the film is still fantastic.
"Get ready to cook up some action because this is Die Hard on a battleship! Yes, that's what Michael Wilmington of the Los Angeles Times called it. This is Under Siege." Sean said.
(The movie begins as the opening credits roll and we see the battleship USS Missouri)
Sean: (Narrating) The film opens as we see the USS Missouri arriving at Pearl Harbor. Also, I absolutely love the theme music for this movie. It's one of my favorite kick-ass themes of all-time.
"Hell, I should've added this to the list of my Top 11 Kick-Ass Movie Themes." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) During the opening, we're introduced to Steven Seagal as Casey Ryback, an ex-Navy SEAL turned cook. He's so badass that he just wears black instead of being in a naval uniform.
Tackman (Played by Damian Chapa): Hey, where's your whites? The Prez is coming.
Casey Ryback (Played by Steven Seagal): He won't miss me. (Notices Tackman's tie and straightens it) What is this, huh? You're in the Navy, man. You gotta look good, huh. There you go. Cue Ball, what's up?
Granger (Played by Troy Evans): Ryback, where's your whites?
Flicker (Played by David McKnight): Poor boy doesn't have a dress uniform.
Casey Ryback: I got the dress. I forgot the pumps.
"Come on, he's Steven Seagal. He doesn't need no stinkin' uniform." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ryback goes to see Captain Adams, played by Patrick O'Neal, and immediately he wants him in his dress uniform because the President is going to be there for the ceremony, but Commander Krill, played by Gary Busey, doesn't think it's a good idea for Ryback to be at the ceremony, plus Ryback has some cooking to do in his kitchen for Captain Adams' party.
Commander Krill (Played by Gary Busey): Sir, why do you tolerate that clown? I know you think he's a good cook.
Captain Adams (Played by Patrick O'Neal): Well, he's more than a good cook. You have no idea. Now let him be, XO.
"Besides, he makes the best damn Crème Brulé in the world. We need him." Sean said, imitating Captain Adams.
Sean: (Narrating) So we learn that there's a ceremony going on for the USS Missouri as it returns to Pearl Harbor and we're treated to some news footage of the Gulf War and President George H.W. Bush announces that the ship will be decommissioned in California and it's weaponry will be removed and dismantled so it would never be fired again. And so, the USS Missouri embarks on it's final voyage to California. But the more important thing is that Commander Krill has brought in a special helicopter for the Captain's surprise birthday party. But enough about that, we cut to Ryback and the crew having some fun in the galley while dancing and jamming to "The Power" by SNAP!, until Ensign Ginger Funkill shows up to spoil the fun and to tell Ryback that they're having dinner flown in from Hawaii for the party and that the galley will be cleared and him and his crew are to assemble at the mess deck.
Casey Ryback: Negative.
Ensign Taylor (Played by Glenn Morshower): Excuse me?
Casey Ryback: I'm the only one who cooks for the Captain on this ship. You don't like that, you go talk to him, alright?
Ensign Taylor: Ryback, I don't believe you get it, do you? See, this is a surprise party, and no one is going to talk to the Captain about this.
Casey Ryback: You know something, Ensign Taylor? Captain don't like surprises, and neither do I.
"Dude won't be so lucky if he talked to Gordon Ramsay like that." Sean said.
(A clip from Hell's Kitchen is shown)
Gordon Ramsay: Hey. Hey, you. Hey. Come here. Let me whisper something very important in your ear. Very important: fuck off. Get out!
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Commander Krill gets chewed out by Captain Adams after he learned about him landing a helicopter without his authorization. And being an insubordinate asshole, he gives the Captain the perfect explanation to why he did it.
Commander Krill: Admiral Bates wanted to thank you and the crew for how smoothly things went with the President. He's cooked up a surprise for your birthday. He's flying in from Hawaii.
Captain Adams: Well. Bates. I see. Well, if the Admiral wants a party, I guess we're having a party. Let's keep it simple. Off-duty personnel can attend, but, uh, watches are by the book.
"Oh, yeah. Let's not question the contents of the helicopter that's coming to land on a ship with Tomahawk missiles that somebody would get their hands on. I'm sure it'll be fine." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Ryback is cooking some bouillabaisse for the party, Krill shows up after Ensign Taylor snitches on him and Krill sends the crew up to the mess deck for the party so he can deal with Ryback for going against his orders and he acts like a dick towards Ryback.
Commander Krill: I put up with a lot of your shit just because the Captain likes your cooking, but this time he's not going to be here to save your butt.
Casey Ryback: Is that right?
(Krill hawks up some phlegm and spits in the pot of bouillabaisse)
Commander Krill: A little flavor.
(A clip from Dexter's Laboratory is shown)
Dee-Dee (Voiced by Allison Moore): Ewww! Gross!
Sean: (Narrating) Ryback decks Krill for fucking with his food and striking the other officers. They don't throw him in the brig, instead, they lock him in the meat locker and Krill orders this poor soul Private Nash, played by Tom Wood. Yep, Newman from The Fugitive and U.S. Marshals, to keep watch to make sure Ryback doesn't do any funny business.
Commander Krill: He is an extreme psychopath. He hates officers. He hates America. This is the Captain's birthday. I do not want him ruining it. No one is to speak to him. No one is to let him out. If he tries to escape, shoot him right here. (Points to Nash's forehead) I'm counting on you.
Private Nash (Played by Tom Wood): Yes, sir.
"Wow, what a dick. And by the way, Mr. Busey, you're the one to talk. You're the extreme psychopath. I'm pretty sure my friend Brian would agree with me. Ain't that right, Brian?" Sean asked.
"Oh, yeah. The guy goes motorcycle riding with no helmet. We know how well that went." Brian said, sipping his glass of blackberry tea.
Casey Ryback: (Sighs) Another cold day in Hell.
"Isn't that what his ex-wife Kelly LeBrock said while she was married to him?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) We see that the entertainment for the Captain's birthday is being flown in. Which consist of a band that's going to be playing and a Playboy Playmate Jordan Tate, played by Erika Eleniak, who was actually Playmate of the Month of the July 1989 issue of Playboy Magazine. And I can give you a reason why Erika Eleniak is the best part of this movie, you'll just have to wait and see.
Commander Krill: Ok, don't let these guys bother you. They've been at sea too long.
Jordan Tate (Played by Erika Eleniak): Okay.
Commander Krill: Are you ok?
Jordan Tate: I still feel really queasy.
"Maybe it's that time on the beach where she worked as a lifeguard and running in slow motion." Sean said, referring to the show Baywatch.
Commander Krill: (Gives Jordan a bottle of pills) For your motion sickness, take two of those and call me in the morning.
"Yeah, babe. You'll be fine taking strange pills from strangers. Let's just hope that Bill Cosby isn't on this ship." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to the band's leader William Strannix, played by Tommy Lee Jones, and he is fifty shades of fun in this movie. He's like if Hans Gruber and Mark Hamill's Joker had a baby (A picture of Hans Gruber and The Joker are shown back to back). While Jordan is getting ready, Strannix and his band start their performance with some good Blues music and…
(Krill appears at the party dressed as a woman)
Sean: (Narrating) …oh, my God. Why?
"Oh, man. I think that motorcycle accident did more than just give him brain damage, he's fucking loopy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Krill goes to see the Captain to escort him to the party, Strannix and his band perform for the crew and after the performance, he meets the highest-ranking officer at the party and gives him a surprise.
William Strannix (Played by Tommy Lee Jones): You are the highest-ranking officer in this room.
Commander Green (Played by John Rottger): That's right. The operations officer. Third in command.
William Strannix: It's a pleasure to meet you, Commander Green.
(Strannix pulls out a gun and shoots Commander Green in the head)
"And the body count has started!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Strannix and his band are revealed to be terrorists. And on top of all that, Commander Krill is working with Strannix and murders Captain Adams with the help of Daumer, played by Chief Miles O'Brien himself Colm Meaney. As you can see, this team of revolutionary terrorists take over the ship and putting the surviving officers in the forecastle and sealing the door shut so they won't escape.
(One of the officers attacks Shadow. Shadow knocks the officer down)
Shadow (Played by Eddie Bo Smith Jr.): Shit!
(Shadow guns down the officer with his MP5 submachine gun. Then, Strannix shoots another officer)
William Strannix: Let this be a learning experience, gentlemen. If you resist, we will kill you and the man next to you. Now, move out of here in an orderly fashion! Now!
"You weren't kidding, man, this is Die Hard on a battleship." Brian said.
Commander Krill: Listen to the shit I've had to put up with. (Reads Adams' review) "The past few weeks, Commander Krill has become increasingly hostile to the crew, possibly due to anger over my last reviews of his performance. I recommend that he be given a psychological evaluation before taking over his next assignment." (Slams desk) God! Do I look like I need a psychological evaluation?
William Strannix: Not at all.
"Seeing you dressed as a woman. I think you definitely need a psychological evaluation." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And with that, Strannix and his men take over the ship and they have the crew locked up. But they're forgetting one minor little detail: Ryback. Who is still locked up in the meat locker while that idiot Nash doesn't believe him about the gunfire, So, he calls up Krill, who tells him to keep Ryback in the meat locker and he's sending someone to relieve him. So, Strannix sends two of his men to kill them.
Private Nash (Played by Tom Wood): You're wrong, Ryback. You're wrong. Those were party poppers.
Casey Ryback: You got shit for brains, Private! I know they brainwashed you at boot camp. Sometimes you have to question authority. Trust me, boy… that's gunfire. Now, you get me out of here and I'll go take care of it.
Private Nash: I'm going to be relieved in a couple of minutes, so just shut up and sit tight.
Casey Ryback: Something's going on. Use your head this time, boy. Do what you got to do and get me out of here. When I get out, I'll shoot you myself.
"Eh, don't worry, Ryback. Robert Downey Jr. will take care of that for you in six years." Sean said, referring to the movie U.S. Marshals.
Sean: (Narrating) The two commandos that Strannix sent shows up and hold Nash at gunpoint, then they shoot him after telling them that Ryback is in the meat locker. So they head inside and start shooting at the food.
Sean: (V/O as Commando) Ha! Take that hanging meat!
(A clip from Rocko's Modern Life is shown)
Heffer Wolfe (Voiced by Tom Kenny): You have no respect for food!
(Zix get hit in the face by a ceiling grate by Ryback. Riback kicks Cates in the face as he runs out of the meat locker and sticks the icepick in the door to lock them up)
Zix (Played by John Laughlin): Son of a bitch!
(Zix and Cates shoot at the door, shooting the icepick off while Ryback runs over to the lights to turn them off)
Sean: (Narrating) The commandos break out of the meat locker and we see what happens when you mess with a chef in his own kitchen and why you should not mess with an ex-Navy SEAL.
(Ryback throws a knife into Cates' neck, killing him quietly)
Zix: Cates? Hey, Cates.
(Ryback sneaks up on Zix and attacks him. During the struggle, Ryback kills Zix by breaking his neck)
"This is what happens when you mess with an ex-Navy Seal in his own kitchen." Sean said.
(Ryback creates a little explosive with a coffee mug by sticking a cloth inside the mug and pouring alcohol and ammonia and putting it in the microwave)
Sean: (Narrating) Ryback makes a clever little explosive before he leaves the kitchen while Strannix and his men notice an F-18 on their radar looking for the helicopter. And remember the weapons on the battleship? Well, it looks like these guys are in control and use it on the F-18.
(One of the commandos, Pitt, shoots down the F-18 with the ship's 20mm gun while "Voodoo Chile" by The Jimi Hendrix Experience plays in the background)
Commander Krill: (Holds up a glass of champagne) Welcome to the revolution.
(Krill toasts Strannix and Daumer and they start drinking)
Sean: (Narrating) Krill contacts and we learn some history about Strannix. Turns out that he used to work for the CIA and after they cancelled his operation, his own people tried to kill him prior to the events of the movie. And of course, that dude is friggin' crazy because of what happened to him.
Tom Breaker (Played by Nick Mancuso): I know things are a little… (clears his throat) …are a little chaotic for you right now.
William Strannix: Chaotic! Wake up, Tom! (Taps on the microphone) You know and I know that chaos and bedlam are consuming the entire world. UV lights waves are only the beginning, Tom. We have an inch of topsoil left.
Tom Breaker: Topsoil?
William Strannix: And sexually transmitted diseases, deforestation, irreversibly progressive depletion of the global gene pool. It all adds up to oblivion, pal. Governments will fall. Anarchies will reign! It's a brave new world.
"Oh, my God. This dude is about to turn into a literal cartoon character." Sean said, laughing.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Strannix is trying to relive the '60s And with him being crazy, he fires a missile at the island's satellite so the government won't track him and also just to show them that he's serious. Meanwhile, Ryback is sneaking through the ship and comes across the late Captain Adams and takes some time to mourn the loss of his fallen captain.
(Ryback covers Adams' body with his captain's jacket, then he mourns him with a serious look on his face)
Sean: (Narrating) Uh, show some emotion, dude. You're mourning your dead captain, at least whip up some tears.
"Is this the face he makes when he's showing emotion? Man, can you imagine Steven Seagal making that face while he's having an orgasm? Wait, wait, wait! No!" Sean yelled out.
(Cut to Ryback making the serious face)
Casey Ryback: (V/O with Dreamybull's voice) Ambatukam! OHHHHHHH!
"OH, GOD! WHY?! Now, I can't stop imagining that. Why do I do this to myself?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Ryback is doing some more sneaking around the ship to look for any survivors, until we get…
(Rock music plays as Jordan pops out of the cake and starts doing a sexy dance. She is seen wearing a Naval jacket, black panties and a Naval officer's hat)
"This scene is the reason why I love this movie." Sean said with a smile on his face. "And yes, Erika Eleniak does show off her perfect pair of tits. Nothing can ruin this scene."
(Ryback points his silenced MP5K at Jordan. She sees Ryback and stops dancing before covering herself up)
Casey Ryback: Whoa! Shut that music off.
"Goddamn it, Seagal! Why did you have to ruin the best part of the film?! Well, at least we see her naked in Chasers two years later." Sean said.
Casey Ryback: Alright. Who are you and what are you doing here?
Jordan Tate: My name is Jordan Tate. I'm Miss July '89. I was hired to jump out of the cake, but I got really airsick on the way over here. So, this guy gave me these pills and I don't know what happened. I guess I fell asleep.
Casey Ryback: What kind of babbling bullshit is this?
Jordan Tate: I am an actress, okay! I did a Hunter episode and a Wet 'N' Wild video. My agents told me that I was just going to jump out of that cake.
"Uh, do we have any footage of her in a Wet 'N' Wild video? And was she wearing a wet t-shirt?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) So now, Jordan is going to be the sidekick of the movie and with her being completely unaware of what's going on. Plus, she doesn't understand the power of Seagal.
Jordan Tate: So who are you? Are you like some special forces guy or something.
Casey Ryback: Nah. I'm just a cook.
Jordan Tate: A cook?
Casey Ryback: Just a lowly, lowly cook.
Jordan Tate: Oh, my God. We're gonna die.
"Why couldn't it have been Liam Neeson to be the one doing all of the saving?" Sean asked, imitating Jordan.
Sean: (Narrating) Back at the Pentagon boardroom, we learn that the USS Missouri contains some harpoon cruise missiles aboard, about 15 of 'em. And 32 Tomahawks that can wipe you off the face of the Earth. So Admiral Bates, played by Andy Romano, wants Tom Breaker, played by Nick Mancuso, to explain why Strannix is such a nutjob and the last mission he's done.
Tom Breaker: High-level covert operatives like Mr. Strannix are under great stress. They're creative thinkers, who by their very nature…
Trenton (Played by Dennis Lipscomb): See, Tom trains everyone in the CIA who's crazy. And all we want to know is how he got our battleship.
Tom Breaker: That's his specialty.
Trenton: Ahh.
Tom Breaker: Just last year, we found out North Korea was refitting an old French sub to fire anti-ship missiles, so we sent Mr. Strannix in.
Admiral Bates (Played by Andy Romano): You've been financing this goddamn maniac's private army, and didn't it occur to you it might become a problem?
"Oh, please. The CIA's been doing that shit for years. I think. Maybe." Sean said.
Trenton: Excuse me, uh. This North Korean sub, how do you know he sunk it?
Tom Breaker: Oh, we're positive he sunk it. Positive.
"How long until we see that submarine…" Sean said.
(Cut to the next scene, where we see the North Korean sub, followed by the caption "Next Scene")
Sean: (Narrating) …Right! In the next scene, of course. We see the North Korean sub that Strannix hijacked is filled with foreign terrorists. And we hear it's callsign is Tweety Bird to the battleship's Road Runner.
Commander Krill: You're the Road Runner?
William Strannix: Yeah… never been caught. Beep beep!
"Really? Looney Tunes. That's the callsign you guys chose." Sean said.
"Yeah, I'm a fan of those old cartoons. But really?" Brian asked while sipping his tea.
Sean: (Narrating) Strannix and his men realize that Cates and Zix haven't shown up, so they head to the galley to check on them, only to find them dead. That's when Strannix learns that this is not the work of a cook.
William Strannix: Who is he? What's he doing running loose on my battleship, Mr. Krill?
Commander Krill: Your battleship? You wouldn't be on this battleship if it wasn't for me. He's a cook, plain and simple.
William Strannix: This is not the work of a cook.
Commander Krill: He came on board with the Captain. I know his routine front and back. He's good with cooking knives.
William Strannix: These are not cooking knives!
"Yeah, what kind of chef uses throwing knives to cook food?" Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Strannix and his men get an explosive shrapnel surprise and he wants Krill to get his profile and they learn why Ryback is such a badass.
Commander Krill: Ryback is an ex-SEAL.
Daumer (Played by Colm Meaney): The goddamn cook's a SEAL.
Commander Krill: Shut up and listen- - "Expert in martial arts, explosives, weapons and tactics. Silver Star. Navy Cross. Purple Heart with Cluster. Security clearance revoked after Panama." That means me couldn't hold any rating except that of a yeoman. Or a cook. How little did I know.
"In other words: fuck with him and he'll seal your fate." Sean said.
Daumer: I'll get this fucker myself!
William Strannix: Oh, no. Calm down. You want to get killed?
Commander Krill: What are you an idiot?
Daumer: You're calling me an idiot?!
Commander Krill: Yeah, I'm calling you an idiot!
William Strannix: Calm down! Give me three roving patrols. Keep the man handled below on the weather deck. Move out!
Commander Krill: Stay on schedule. To the bridge!
(Strannix makes a facepalm)
Sean: (V/O as Strannix) I'm surrounded by idiots.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Ryback is sneaking around the ship with Jordan and they're working together. Well, he has to put up with her whining.
Jordan Tate: I am the girl. Why do I have to carry everything?
Casey Ryback: Listen, I support Women's Lib, don't you?
Jordan Tate: Yeah, when it works in my favor.
"I swear, that bitch complains a lot." Sean said.
(Cut to a montage of Jordan Tate complaining)
Jordan Tate: I hate being alone./I am the girl. Why do I have to carry everything?/I have a little rule about killing people. Well, actually I have two rules. See, one: I don't date musicians. And two: I do not kill people, okay?
"God, I don't know who's more annoying; Her or Willie Scott from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom." Sean said.
"To be fair, both were out of their elements, if you know what I mean, and had to cope by complaining." Brian said.
Casey Ryback: (Points to the seat) Sit down there. I'll be back in just a minute.
Sean: (V/O as Ryback) I'll be Ryback Get it? Eh, whatever. Just forget it.
Sean: (Narrating) Ryback unleashes his Seagal powers by taking out one of the commandos with a stealth kill karate chop to the neck while sneaking on the deck while managing to secure a satellite uplink directly into the war room. So, yeah. Ryback is a communications expert as well. And he tells the military what's happening.
Casey Ryback: They've manufactured some kind of railing system to offload the Tomahawks. Believe it or not, the XO's in with them.
Admiral Bates: Commander Krill is involved?
Captain Garza (Played by Dale Dye): Admiral… that means they control the ship.
Admiral Bates: Holy God. Uh, Chief Ryback, this is Admiral Bates speaking.
Casey Ryback: Sir?
Admiral Bates: I want you to coordinate your efforts with us. You understand that. I want you to keep cool and wait for the strike team. Do you understand that?
Casey Ryback: Yes, sir. I better get off, sir, before they pick up the signal.
Admiral Bates: Get back to us in half an hour.
Casey Ryback: Yes, sir.
Jordan Tate: You're not a cook.
Casey Ryback: Yeah, well… (picks up his suppressed MP5K) I also cook.
"Are you trying to be cool with that one-liner, Seagal? Because if you are, then that was awesome." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We also learn some more information on Ryback. He had an extremely distinguished career, in other words, he was an elite warrior until most of his team were killed in Panama due to receiving bad intel. And when he got back from Panama, he decked his officer in charge. So, Captain Adams allowed him to finish out his 20 as a personal cook, because not only Ryback is an expert in combat, he's an expert in cooking.
Trenton: What if this toad, Zwieback, or whatever the hell his name is, what if he's right? And the missiles are offloaded before the SEAL team gets there?
Tom Breaker: There is no way for Mr. Strannix to get past us. We have AWAC surveillance and a SOSUS system in Honolulu tracking every ship and sub at sea. When they leave the Missouri, they're ours.
Trenton: How do we know that Honolulu isn't his next target? Huh? Tell me that.
"Who knows. Maybe Strannix's next target is that Alpha Male pig Nick Adams' house. Boycotting Starbucks. Maybe a nice Tomahawk would shut him up." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ryback and Jordan come across the helicopter on the helipad, but instead he just lures two more commandos and blows them up along with the helicopter. Also, Jordan gets captured like dumbass in distress. But Ryback shows up to save her.
(Ryback grabs one of the commandos and kicks the other. He then shoots the two commandos who were holding Jordan at gunpoint, then the one that he kicked and the other)
"Oh, I'm pretty sure that she'll return the favor later on in the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After witnessing the powers of Seagal, Strannix wants Ryback stopped and Krill has an insane idea, by turning on the fire sprinkle system in the fo'c's'le, causing it to flood and drown all of the officer that are in the room and for Ryback to get killed in the process.
William Strannix: You're a maniac. Drown your own crew. They never liked me anyway.
Daumer: I bet they fuckin' love you now, huh?
(Strannix laughs)
"Aside from Tommy Lee Jones playing the best villain ever, Gary Busey does a great job at playing the insane one. Why? Because he's Gary Busey and he can make any character insane. Take a look at his performance in Black Sheep." Sean said.
(A clip from the movie Black Sheep is shown)
Drake (Played by Gary Busey): I could go over to your mama's, and light a small fire in her panties!
Sean: (Narrating) Ryback and Jordan hear morse code coming from the door as he opens it up with the welding torch and frees some of his buddies and they disable some of the ship's weapons to stall the bad guys. Eh, they should've updated to Windows 11. Then, Krill gets Ryback's attention on the P.A. system and shows him the footage of the rest of the crew in the fo'c's'le getting ready to suffer in their watery grave.
Casey Ryback: We gotta save them.
Granger: You know they'll have a trap for us.
Casey Ryback: Yeah, but they're expecting me, not all of us.
Tackman: All of what? I do laundry. I ironing during the Gulf War. I ain't cut out for this hero bullshit.
Casey Ryback: You're in the Navy, remember? It's not a job, it's an adventure.
Tackman: Hey, to hell with that, man. I'm on the college program.
"It's nice to see that Ken from Street Fighter was in the Navy before kicking ass with Ryu." Sean said, referring to Damian Chapa in Street Fighter.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Ryback, Jordan and his friends get into a shootout with the commandos while they turn the water off to save the rest of the crew. Meanwhile, Strannix drops the anchor to stop the ship from moving and the military is calling to get an update on the situation.
Jordan Tate: Hello?
Admiral Bates: Who in the hell is this?
Jordan Tate: Who in the hell is this?
Admiral Bates: This is Admiral Bates, speaking. I'm trying to get a hold of Chief Ryback. Is he about?
Jordan Tate: He's in a gunfight right now. I'm gonna have to take a message.
Trenton: What the hell's going on there?
Jordan Tate: Hold on. (Takes the headset off and puts it on Ryback) Here.
Casey Ryback: Yes, sir.?
Admiral Bates: Yeah. Chief Ryback, this is Admiral Bates. I see that you completely disobeyed my orders. Correct?
Casey Ryback: Sorry, sir. You can court-martial me if I live, sir.
Admiral Bates: I see.
"If we court-martial you, then who's gonna star in Under Siege 2?" Sean asked, imitating Admiral Bates.
Sean: (Narrating) Admiral Bates informs Ryback that SEAL Team 5 is on their way and Nimitz air-group is their backup and he wants Ryback to do whatever it takes to aid the arrival of the SEALs. Why? Because he's Steven Seagal and he can do whatever the hell that he wants.
Casey Ryback: Here I go.
(Granger provides covering fire while Ryback runs down the hallway and shoots at the commandos while dual-wielding an MP5K in one hand and a Cobray M11/9 in the other hand)
Sean: (V/O as Ryback) Two guns, bitches!
(Ryback continues to shoot at the commandos)
Sean: (Narrating) Jordan joins Ryback while the shoot-out is going on and after Ryback drops a rail on a guy and knocking out a commando, we get a pretty brutal fight scene and you know what happens when you attack Seagal with tools.
(Ryback stabs one of the workers in the back with his knife. He then slashes another in the thigh and stabs him in the armpit. Another worker charges at Ryback with a wrench, but Ryback stabs the man in the chest, killing him. Jordan spots the last man coming after Ryback)
Jordan Tate: Casey!
(The last worker attacks Ryback, but Ryback pushes him onto a band saw and the blade cuts into the man's shoulder)
(A clip from Home Improvement is shown)
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor (Played by Tim Allen): Remember, safety first.
Sean: (Narrating) The SEAL team is on their way and when Strannix orders them to be shot down, their weapons system are shut down by Ryback. I'm sure this plan won't backfire, except when you have foreign terrorists armed with FIM-92A Stinger missiles to take out the helicopters. So much for help. So, the military have no choice but to do a full air assault from the Nimitz to destroy the Missouri. Anyway, the sub arrives while we see that Ryback is an expert on explosives as he makes a bomb to destroy the sub. As they're loading the Tomahawks onto the sub, Ryback swims to the sub and damages the bow plane. But he ends up getting spotted by Daumer and the submarine crew and they try to take him out, but someone managed to wound Ryback with a hook and when he climbs back onto the ship, he gets cornered by Chief O'Brien, who gets ready to finish him off.
Daumer: You're incredible, Ryback. It's a shame you're not cooking for us.
(Daumer gets ready to kill Ryback, but he ends up shot and killed by Jordan)
"Woooo! Way to go, Jordan! So much for being whiny throughout the whole movie. She just straight up killed that dude. Yeah!" Sean exclaimed.
Casey Ryback: Next thing I know… you'll be dating musicians.
"Even though Ryback is wounded, he still manages to have a good sense of humor." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) While Ryback tends to his wounds, Strannix orders Krill to get the bowplane fixed and he'll make him an admiral. Really? First, he was commander, then captain and now you're going to make him an admiral. What's next? Have him run for president?
(Cut to a scene from earlier)
William Strannix: What are you gonna do when you get $200 million dollars in the bank?
Commander Krill: Buy the Presidency.
"Oh, God. I cannot imagine him as the President of the United States." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Casey and the others see the submarine leaving and since they still got shells for the ship's big gun. So they reactivate the ship's weapons system to take out the submarine and Krill's gonna see what happens when you play battleship with Seagal.
Casey Ryback: Fire in the hole!
(They fire the Missouri's 16"/45 caliber Mark 6 Naval gun at the submarine. The captain looks at Krill while Krill looks at the camera before we cut to a shot of the submarine exploding)
"A moment of silence for the best damn Gary Busey performance ever." Sean said as he lowers his head in silence as sad violin music plays while a picture of Gary Busey as Commander Krill is show with the caption that reads "Commander Krill, 1944-1992".
Sean: (Narrating) And then we come to my favorite part of the movie where Strannix just loses his marbles and Tommy Lee Jones does an excellent job on this scene. Hell, I think this performance alone got him to star in The Fugitive.
William Stranix: All of my life… Saturday morning cartoons. The best. Shit. For example, do you remember those two little shrimp coming in, riding on those two little seahorses with little hats, little chaps, little pistols? (Making gunfire sounds) Shooting back over their shoulders. Rescue that lobster from the… Swedish cook. Funniest thing I ever saw in my life!
"Only in a Steven Seagal movie where you have Tommy Lee Jones talking about his love for Saturday morning cartoons. Hell, without Tommy Lee Jones, this movie would be so forgettable. His performance is bonkers and I am here for it." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Strannix's men leave while he goes bonkers and launches the Tomahawks to blow up Hawaii. Ryback and company get into a shoot-out with the rest of Strannix's men and after ripping out a guy's throat like he's Dalton from Road House, Ryback confronts Strannix for a final showdown.
Casey Ryback: I know you, don't I?
William Strannix: I think you do. (Removes his sunglasses) Been a long time.
Casey Ryback: Yes, sir, it has.
"Wait a minute, they know each other? What? Did he serve in the same unit as Ryback?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) No, actually the two of them recognize each other from prior operations that they participated in. Strannix has the key to the launch codes and he spends his time talking and then we get one of the most epic knife fight scenes ever and it's one of my favorite scenes from the movie you got some nice knife combat.
(Strannix cuts Ryback above his eye. He tries to kill Ryback, but Ryback bites down on Strannix's knife and gouges his eye with his thumb, then stabs him in the head with his knife and throws him into a computer screen)
Casey Ryback: Keep the faith, Strannix.
"Okay, even though this was a short fight, it's still pretty awesome and we end it with a cool line." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) With Strannix dead, all is left is the nuclear-tipped Tomahawk missiles. As one of the F-14's taking out one of the Tomahawks, it's time for Ryback to take the other one out by entering the self-destruct sequence, destroying the Tomahawk and plenty of time to spare. The military celebrates and they call off the bombers. With the U.S.S. Missouri still in one peace and the crew members saved, there's still one matter left…
Cue Ball (Played by Lee Hinton): Hey Case, show me a move.
Casey Ryback: Here's one move.
(Casey kisses Jordan)
Taylor: (V/O as Jordan) Will I be in the sequel?
Sean: (V/O as Ryback) No, you'll be forgotten and replaced by the chick from Grey's Anatomy who's gonna play my niece.
Sean: (Narrating) The Missouri arrives in San Francisco harbor and a funeral ceremony is held for Captain Adams and Ryback wears his formal dress uniform and Jordan is in a naval uniform as well,
(Cut to a shot of Ryback saluting the captain with a serious face)
Sean: (V/O as director) Dude, show some emotion!
"And that was Under Siege, and I have nothing bad to say about this movie. It's still pretty awesome." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this movie? This is Seagal at his finest and at his best and this movie shows it. You have some great action, memorable characters, hell, Tommy Lee Jones was the best damn part of this movie and a great plot. It tends to have some silly moments and some questionable moments, but I still love it. Whenever I see this movie playing on television, I end up watching it. Or when I want to do a Steven Seagal marathon, I'll end up watching that movie first. If you're a fan of Seagal, then watch this movie. If you're not a fan of Seagal, then watch the movie, you won't be disappointed. Under Siege comes in at 5 throwing knives out of 5.
"That's all for today. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and Seagal Month has just begun." Sean said before leaving the room.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Commander Krill: You're the Road Runner? William Strannix: Yeah… never been caught. Beep beep!
And that is all for the start of Seagal Month. So, what did you think of the review for Under Siege? I hope that you all enjoyed it. And what did you think of the movie when you saw it? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Seagal Month continues as Sean the Mayhem Critic reviews the buddy-cop movie called The Glimmer Man, a film that bombed at the box office. How well does this movie stand up today? Then after the review of The Glimmer Man, it's Marked for Death. Hope you all are excited for that one. Make sure you leave a review for the chapter, add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, if you would like to do a co-review with me for any of the Steven Seagal movies that I'll be reviewing for The Mayhem Critic, feel free to PM me if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.