The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to a hilariously new chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Today, Seagal Month comes to a close as Sean the Mayhem Critic reviews the environmentally-aware film On Deadly Ground, a film that marks Steven Seagal's directorial debut, and boy, is it going to be a funny film because this movie is notoriously bad. So sit back, relax and enjoy the hilarious new chapter of The Mayhem Critic.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. On Deadly Ground is owned by Warner Bros. and Seagal-Nasso Productions.
Seagal Month Part V: On Deadly Ground
(The intro to Seagal Month starts)
Sean: (V/O as Steven Seagal) You got a problem with me? I'm your worst nightmare. I have no fear of death, more important, I don't fear life. I'm Steven Seagal, and I support Putin. Now, somebody get me a carrot.
(The intro ends as we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, as he is seen sitting on his couch as he prepares his introduction)
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. And seeing how we're nearing the end of Seagal Month. I know, I know. There's a lot of movies that he's done and I'm not gonna talk about them, thank God. And I was trying to think of the perfect movie to end on. I mean Seagal's already fought Jamaican drug dealers, terrorists, teaming up with Keenen Ivory Wayans and tracking down Sheriff John Quincy Wydell (Richie) in the mean streets of Brooklyn. What else is there to take on? ... MAN!" Sean exclaimed as he leans forward to the camera while the word "MAN!" is displayed next to a polar bear's head with a tear on it's face while dramatic music plays.
(The title screen for "On Deadly Ground" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the theme music by Basil Poledouris plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, someone in 1994 thought it would be awesome to see Seagal taking on people destroying the environment. Does it sound awesome? No, I don't think so. Released in theaters on February 18th, 1994, this was Seagal's directorial debut after he agreed to appear in Under Siege 2: Dark Territory (the poster for Under Siege 2: Dark Territory is shown). This was his pet project. After the film's release, the results were hilariously bad. And if you think that Seagal is Hollywood's biggest punchline, then this movie is. I'm telling ya, this movie is a literal comedy without it being a comedy. Now, I know what you're going to ask me: "Sean, didn't Film Brain, Decker Shado and the Nostalgia Critic already review On Deadly Ground?" So? My review of this movie will be much funnier than theirs and we're gonna laugh our asses off from watching it.
"Let's see what's so funny about it. This is On Deadly Ground." Sean said.
(The movie begins)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie opens with...
(The movie opens with a shot of a bald eagle)
"Oh, man. I could tell this movie's gonna be hilarious." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, we get our opening credits with some amazing shots of Alaska in all of it's wintry majesty, so peaceful and serene. And we get a shot of a polar bear and some mountains. Until we cut to a shot of an oil rig on fire. Okay, suddenly, I accidentally turned on Deepwater Horizon.
(The movie is in widescreen format for a bit, until it switches to full frame after the opening credits end)
"What the hell? I thought my movie was in widescreen. Why am I watching this in full frame? We don't watch movies in full frame anymore. We like to watch it in the appropriate ratio of how the movie is intended to be. Well, I did have this as part of the Steven Seagal Collection and this one and Hard to Kill are both in full frame." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We're introduced to Forrest Taft, played by Steven Seagal, who... (Sees his Native American style jacket and laughs) Oh, my God! Is that the jacket that he's going to wear throughout the whole movie?
(Cut to various scenes of Forrest wearing his jacket)
"Ooh, this is gonna be a funny one. I know it is." Sean smiled.
Sean: (Narrating) He switches to his white shirt and yellow jumpsuit as his buddy Hugh Palmer, played by the late Richard Hamilton, informs him on the disastrous situation.
Forrest Taft (Played by Steven Seagal): Hey, Hugh, what's cooking?
Hugh Palmer (Played by Richard Hamilton): Goddamn it, Forrest, this is a disaster here! She's totally out of control. I got four guys down. And all because of your goddamn pal Jennings' lousy- -
(The CEO of Aegis Oil, Michael Jennings, slides the helicopter door open)
Michael Jennings (Played by Michael Caine): Your goddamn pal Jennings' lousy what, Hugh?
"Oh, no. Michael Caine, why?" Sean asked as he made a facepalm.
Sean: (Narrating) Michael Caine plays Michael Jennings, the CEO of Aegis Oil. And yes, that is Michael Caine in a Steven Seagal movie. And I think he's the funniest part about this movie. Hell, he's funnier than Seagal in this one. Also, what kind of accent is he going for anyway?
(Clips of Michael Caine trying to do an American accent is shown)
Michael Jennings: I'll expect your full report on my desk by morning./My oil is flowing all over the ocean instead of into my refinery where it's worth money./Hugh's been getting sloppy lately, hasn't he?
Sean: (Narrating) Is he trying to attempt a Texan accent? I couldn't tell if he was talking in his usual British accent or in an American accent.
Michael Jennings: It was human error all the way./What's the position on Aegis 1?
"I swear, every time I hear him talk in this movie, I start cracking up from his bad accent. And I thought Nicolas Cage's southern accent in Con Air was bad." Sean said.
Hugh Palmer: He really paying you that much money, Forrest? Now you believe him over your friends?
Forrest Taft: Why don't you fall back, Hugh, before you say something stupid.
Hugh Palmer: You used to be a good man, Forrest. Now, you're nothin' but a whore.
Forrest Taft: For $350,000 I'd fuck anything once.
"Isn't that what Seagal said to the execs at Warner Bros?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Forrest gets ready to put the fire out. But before he does that, he takes some time to light up a cigarillo, and just to show how much of a badass he is, he doesn't even walk away from the explosion.
(Taft detonates some explosives to put the fire out)
"Okay, that was pretty awesome." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Forrest takes a helicopter ride with Jennings, who doesn't believe Hugh's word about the faulty preventers and he claims that it was Hugh's fault.
Michael Jennings: My oil is flowing all over the ocean instead of into my refinery, where it's worth money to me. I'll have Eskimos and environmentalists probing all the orifices of my body for the next two weeks. Now, why the hell would I do that to myself on purpose?
"Honestly, he has a point there." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Forrest is sitting in a bar having an ice-cold beer after a long day of putting out fires, until he sees a racist drunkard, played by Mike Starr, harassing a Native American.
Drunken Eskimo (Played by Jules Desjarlais): Buh... buh... buy you a drink?
Big Mike (Played by Mike Starr): Listen to me, you yellow snow-eating, welfare-collecting, redskin piece of shit, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
(Big Mike shoves the Eskimo to the ground)
"Hey, asshole! You mess with my people, prepare to get a tomahawk to the face. Or better yet, I should scalp you like Robert Pastorelli's character in Dances with Wolves. Oh, yeah. Not only I'm black and part Irish, I'm part Cherokee and part Blackfoot. So yeah, fuck with my people, you get scalped." Sean said as he picked up a knife.
(Forrest glares at Big Mike)
Big Mike: Hey, Cupcake, what the fuck you think you're looking at?
(Forrest gets up from out of his seat)
"Ooh, no you didn't. You did not just call Steven Seagal a cupcake. Alright, Seagal, kick his ass!" Sean exclaimed.
Forrest Taft: Nothing much at all.
(Forrest walks over to Big Mike, but he end up walking over to the bar)
Big Mike: (Scoffs) Pussy.
Sean looks at the camera in pure disbelief from seeing Forrest not beating the man up.
"Wait a minute. He didn't even beat the shit out of him. Who are you?" Sean asked.
(A clip from Family Guy is shown)
Holden Caulfield a.k.a. The "Phony" Guy (Voiced by Mark Hentemann): You're a phony! Hey, everybody! This guy's a great big PHONY!
Sean: (Narrating) Hugh stops at the bar to have a drink with Forrest and he tells him about the preventers and something's fishy going on and he wants Forrest to check out the requisition file on Aegis 1. And since Hugh doesn't have clearance, Forrest can get in since he has clearance. After he leaves, Frenchy decides to mess with Forrest some more.
Big Mike: Oh, come on, Cupcake. Don't cry. What happened? Did your boyfriend leave you?
"Where's Harry and Lloyd when you need them to annoy the shit out of this guy?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Mentalino (Big Mike) picks on the drunken Eskimo once again by throwing beer in the guy's face and shoving him to the ground, that's when Forrest has had enough of that dude's nonsense.
Forrest Taft: You wanna play with me?
Big Mike: You want a piece of this? I ain't afraid, I'll fuckin' kill him.
(Some of the bar patrons back away. A bar fight ensues between Forrest and Big Mike's friends as Forrest kicks one guy and knocks the table over him)
Bartender (Played by Louise Fletcher): Oh, shit!
(Forrest grabs a lasso from off the wall and hits one guy with it and throws another guy into the jukebox)
"Does this dude even remotely know how to use a lasso?" Sean asked.
(We see Forrest using the lasso to put it around a guy, then throws him with it)
Sean: (Narrating) All he's doing is just throwing people around with it. And on top of all of that, we get an unnecessary slo-mo shot and some tesitcle abuse.
(We see Forrest kick a guy in the balls, then we see him knee another guy in the groin. Forrest then grabs a guy by his balls and throws him down on the ground)
Bar Tough #1: My nuts!
(We cut to another guy, who ends up getting kicked in the nuts by Forrest)
Bald Bar Tough: My balls!
"What? Does he have a fixation with balls? Is there something you're not telling me, Seagal?" Sean asked.
(A clip from The Onion Movie is shown)
Announcer: Steven Seagal is Cockpuncher.
Steven Seagal: I don't think you have the balls.
Sean: (Narrating) After beating up a bunch of guys and making sure that they don't have children after abusing their nutsacks, Forrest faces off against Big Mike and challenges him to a game. The hand-slap game.
"What? You think I'm joking? He actually challenges that guy to the hand-slap game." Sean said.
Forrest Taft: I miss, you get a shot. You miss, I get a shot.
Big Mike: All right, I'll play your game, if you play my game.
Forrest Taft: I'll play your game afterwards, if I'm still standing, 'cause I might not be. Because you're a tough guy, you're a man and you got big balls.
(Forrest and Big Mike start playing the hand-slap game)
Forrest Taft: Here we go, Mr. Big Balls.
Big Mike: I'm ready.
Forrest Taft: Okay.
(Forrest slaps Big Mike's hands)
Forrest Taft: You gotta be quick. You gotta be quick.
Big Mike: You know what? Why don't you just take your best shot, pal?
(Forrest punches Big Mike in the stomach. We then see Forrest slapping Big Mike's hands once more and Forrest punches him in the stomach)
"I'm sorry. Am I watching a Seagal movie or am I watching a Seagal parody from Animaniacs?" Sean asked as a poster for Animaniacs is shown next to him.
Sean: (V/O as Forrest) We're going to play Rock, Paper, Scissors. My version.
Brian: (V/O as Big Mike) Wait, how do you play your version?
Sean: (V/O as Forrest): Like so. Rock beats scissors!
(Forrest punches Big Mike twice in the stomach and punches him in the face)
"I can't imagine what playing Monopoly with this guy would be like." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) After beating up on the guy and turning him into a bloody mess, Forrest delivers some words of wisdom.
Forrest Taft: What does it take? What does it take to change the essence of a man?
Big Mike: I need time to change. Time.
Forrest Taft: I do too. I do too.
"Well, that's nice to gather some wisdom after seeing the guy beat the shit out of people. You know, sometimes violence does solve everything, Just gotta change a few hearts and minds." Sean said.
Drunken Eskimo: Thank you, my brother. You're about to go on a sacred journey. This journey will be good for all people. But you must be careful.
Forrest Taft: Right.
Sean laughs a bit. "What?"
Sean: (Narrating) Is that how you're gonna end the scene? God, that was poorly given. Plus, it looks like Seagal is giving a shit, but thinks that what that dude is saying is pure nonsense. Can you imagine that guy saying this to you?
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
Brian: (as Customer) Excuse me, do you know where the condoms are?
Sean: (as Eskimo) They're over by the pharmacy, my brother. By the way, you're about to go on a sacred journey. This journey will be good for all people. But you must be careful.
Brian: Uh... ooookay. I didn't know that sex with my fiancée was more important.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Jennings as we see him getting ready to shoot a commercial that his personal assistant Liles, played by Shari Shattuck, has arranged for him to appear so he can get rid of the bad publicity over the oil spill. And what better way to have bad director directing a movie is to have a good director appear in your movie. Yeah, that's right. Irvin Kershner appears in the movie.
Walters (Played by Irvin Kershner): We start with an out-of-focus world. We pull back to one twig, one branch and then the whole pristine forest.
"We're going to throw in the Wampa, and then we'll add a killer robot from OCP that's going to shoot up the trees." Sean said, imitating Walters.
Michael Jennings: Listen... you have any great ideas... just keep them to your fucking self, okay... and leave this shit to me. Now, where do I stand?
"Isn't that what Steven Seagal said to Irvin Kershner when he shared his ideas on how to make the movie better?" Sean asked.
(Jennings is shooting the commercial)
Michael Jennings: Every year... hundreds of thousands of porcupine caribou make their way down from the Ogilvie Mountains to the coastal plains of Alaska. They come to feed off the tundra grasses and to have their children. Children like these little guys... (pats the caribou) right here. You see, we at Aegis Oil believe in protecting our natural treasures. We believe in keeping them safe for future generations to enjoy. After all the earth is our home too. Who cares? We do, at Aegis Oil. (Smiles at the camera)
Walters: Cut!
Michael Jennings: (Stops smiling) FUCK, these animals stink! Bring me a washcloth!
"Oh, my God. We're only twenty minutes in and it starts getting cartoony. If Michael Caine continues to act like this, then's he's gonna turn into a literal Saturday morning cartoon villain." Sean said.
Michael Jennings: What's the position on Aegis-1?
Liles (Played by Shari Shattuck): Mr. Jennings, surely you understand that on any substantial construction project particularly one of this size, there are inevitable delays.
Michael Jennings: How long do they say now?
Liles: Twenty-one days.
Michael Jennings: (Yells) GODDAMN IT, WE HAVE 13 DAYS! THIRTEEN!
"Dude, tone it down a bit." Sean said.
Michael Jennings: GET OUT OF HERE!
Makeup Girl (Played by Arisa Wolf): But sir...
Michael Jennings: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! Now, let me explain- -
Makeup Girl: You look ten years younger.
Michael Jennings: (Shouts) GET OUT!
"Chill, Caine. Chill. You're getting close." Sean said.
Michael Jennings: We'd lose the oil rights... worth billions of dollars a week. I don't need that kind of problem right now.
(A white flash occurs, and we cut to Jennings in cartoon form)
Looten Plunder (Voiced by James Coburn): (Jennings' line replaced by Plunder's famous line) You'll pay for this, Captain Planet!
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Forrest as he arrives at the oil rig Aegis-1, which looks like a stage from an N64 game, and he sneaks into the control room, which he access to anyway and he shouldn't have to do that. He checks the computers and he learns about the faulty preventers. Security is alerted to Forrest hacking his way into the main computer and Jennings learns about it. Aside from Hugh being the first problem, Forrest is now the second problem, so he has his chief of security MacGruder, played by John C. McGinley, take care of the problem.
Michael Jennings: I suggest you take care of the Hugh Palmer problem first, Mr. MacGruder. He's the immediate threat.
MacGruder (Played by John C. McGinley): He certainly is.
"Threat? How exactly is he a threat? What's he gonna do, beat you with his cane?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) And speaking of Hugh, he downloads the files onto a floppy disk and he deletes the files and hides the disk in a safe place just in time as MacGruder and frequent Schwarzenegger collaborator Sven-Ole Thorsen, show up to Hugh's cabin to have a little chat with him. And seeing how he's the best friend in a Seagal movie, it seems that Agent D (Hugh) isn't going to last long.
MacGruder: I honestly don't want to have to ask you ten times. Where are your books? I want the disks and I want those books.
Hugh Palmer: I'm telling you I don't have them!
MacGruder: Have you listened to yourself lately? Have you? Everything with you is "I, I, I." There is no "I" in "team." It is T-E-A-M. Team!
"Why the fuck does he sound like an ex-boyfriend after his girlfriend dumped him?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) They proceed to torture Hugh to death by smashing his fingers with a whale bone and they cut into his leg with a pipe cutter while they try to find the disk and trash the place before they kill him. Back with Jennings, he's at a press conference regarding the oil spill and after the conference, some chick throws oil all over his suit.
Masu (Played by Joan Chen): Blood of our people is upon you, Mr. Jennings.
"Goddamn it! This was my new suit! I can't get oil out of this suit." Sean said, imitating Jennings.
Sean: (Narrating) Forrest tells Jennings about the data that he found regarding Aegis-1 and he knows that if he switches on Aegis-1, it will blow up and causing a complete disaster.
Forrest Taft: I'd just like to ask you something. How much is enough? How much money is enough?
"Isn't that what the execs asked Seagal?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Jennings tells Forrest that there's been another accident at a substation, so he sends Forrest to go check it out. They arrive on the site and Forrest heads inside, only to find Hugh's dead body and the place booby trapped with explosives.
(Forrest runs out of the building immediately. MacGruder detonates the explosives and the explosion sends Forrest flying)
"Should I be surprised if the explosion killed him?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) The movie switches back to widescreen format as an Eskimo tribe sees black smoke and finds Forrest, who looks like he's been unscaved by the explosion. Is this guy made out of titanium? He's not even burned! They take him back to their village and he wakes up to see... (Sean starts laughing at the tribe chief's crow mask) oh, Jesus! What the hell is that? Are you trying to make Native Americans look silly, Seagal? I thought I saw some guy that's dressed as the tribal version of Wind Crowrang from Mega Man X7 (a picture of Wind Crowrang is shown).
(A sound clip from Mega Man X7 plays)
Wind Crowrang (Voiced by Jack Merluzzi): I wanted to see... see if the reploid that fascinated him so was really all that great. So, let's see what you're worth!
Sean: (Narrating) Forrest gets a good look at the woman named Masu, played by Joan Chen, who's Chinese-American.
"Really, Seagal? You couldn't cast a woman who's Native American? It's like casting a white woman as a Native American." Sean said as a picture of Kathy Bates as the Alaskan Mother from the 1994 movie North is shown. "Oh, wait. That actually happened!"
Sean: (Narrating) They take time to heal his wounds by sprinkling some Mrs. Dash seasoning on his back and using a big knife to pull out the shrapnel. Afterwards, Forrest leaves the village and repays them by stealing their dogs, but he ends up getting attacked by them.
(The dogs end up attacking Forrest)
Forrest Taft: Hey! Get these dogs off of me! You fucking dogs, get off of me!
"Am I watching Armed & Dangerous here? What is this nonsense?" Sean asked as the poster for the 1986 film Armed & Dangerous is shown next to him.
Sean: (Narrating) Forrest explains his situation to Masu and her father Silook, played by Chief Irvin Brink, and that their lives are in danger. So, they make the journey. well, a spiritual journey, to find his way and they lecture him about the mystical creation of life and all that stuff and they send him on a vision quest.
Masu: You have died twice. Now sleep, and be reborn.
"Uh, question: when's the second time that he died?" Sean asked.
Masu: You will fight your most difficult battle. Then you will find your way back.
(Silook uses a feather to put Forrest to sleep. We get a shot of an eagle followed by a trippy image of mountains and clouds while the Fight Milk Song plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) We get a trippy sequence involving Forrest fighting a bear and topless tribal women dancing. Then, we follow it with Forrest making a choice. Which is choosing an old tribal lady or a hot naked woman. Well, I know what he's going to pick.
Sean: (V/O as Forrest) Hmm. Should I pick the hot naked chick or the GILF? I know which one I'm going to pick.
(We cut to Forrest picking the old tribal woman)
Sean: (V/O as Forrest) Son of a bitch! I've picked the old lady! I wanted to bang the hot chick!
(We cut to Forrest popping out of the water)
Sean: (V/O as Forrest) Hey, get me back to the hot naked chick! I wanna play with her boobies!
Sean: (Narrating) Later, Dr. Cox (MacGruder) and Otto arrive at the village, for some odd reason. Why did they track him down so quickly? And MacGruder starts terrorizing the natives. And to make matters worse, MacGruder shoots Silook. Where's Forrest when all of this went down? Well, he's on his way back to the village after his little trippy vision quest and just in time before Silook kicks the bucket.
(Silook speaks in his native language and we see the subtitles on screen that reads "I cannot believe that I have a Chinese woman as my daughter!")
Sean: (Narrating) Silook dies and we cut to the Aegis-1 oil rig, where Jennings is not too happy with what MacGruder did.
MacGruder: Mr. Jennings, that tribe completely misinterpreted our presence there. They panicked, attacked and forced us to defend ourselves.
"Uh, no they didn't. You were the one that attacked the chief's daughter and you shot him in cold blood. Afterwards, the tribe protected themselves while you just cower away like a chicken." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Forrest and Masu leave the village on a snowmobile that she had stashed away for emergencies. Wait a minute, they had a snowmobile stashed away the whole time?! What else do they have stashed away in their village? A TV and a Super Nintendo? I bet they have a collection of Super Nintendo games to play. Anyway, they arrive at Hugh's cabin to find the place trashed by Dr. Cox. Forrest grabs his secret stash of gear that was hidden in the closet and the floppy disk that he hid in the bag. But, it's not long until the bad guys track them down and a shoot-out ensues.
(Forrest fires his shotgun up at the ceiling, hitting one of the goons in the balls)
"Jesus Christ! That was a lucky shot!" Sean exclaimed.
(The scene plays once more)
Sean: (V/O as Goon) AAAAAAAH! You shot my dick off!
Sean: (Narrating) They trash the place even more with bullets and when the bad guys run out, Forrest just throat chops them to oblivion. Meanwhile, Jennings tells MacGruder who he's dealing with since he's never seen a Seagal movie in his life.
Michael Jennings: Try this: Delve down into the deepest bowels of your soul. Try to imagine the ultimate fucking nightmare and that won't come close to this son of a bitch when he gets pissed.
"Oh, come on. He's not all that bad. Just don't play Mario Party with the guy. He ended up throat chopping one of my friends to oblivion." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Since having your own men take on Seagal and they fail miserably at getting him, MacGruder thinks of the one solution to solve their problem: hiring mercenaries to do your dirty work.
Stone (Played by R. Lee Ermey): Mr. Jennings, I'm Stone. Were you able to get the files I requested?
"R. Lee Ermey?! What?! What the hell are you doing in this movie, man?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) As you can see, R. Lee Ermey plays a mercenary named Stone, whose team has been hired by Jennings to kill Forrest.
Stone: How do you want him delivered?
(Jennings makes a dramatic turn and stays silent)
Sean: (V/O as Jennings) On deadly ground.
Stone: I see.
Sean: (Narrating) Forrest and Masu arrive at Johnny Redfeather's place and he's a friend of Forrest's and he's played by John Trudell. Since Johnny's got a computer, they look on the disk to learn that Aegis-1 is a time bomb waiting to go off when it goes on-line and that Aegis Oil has been dumping toxins right back into the wells, so they must go to Aegis-1 to blow it up, but Masu tells him that blowing it up is not the answer and that there's too many violence going on and the authorities should deal with it themselves.
Masu: Haven't you learned anything from my father?
Forrest Taft: What do you want me to learn, Masu? Huh? I mean, do you really think that this hocus-pocus spirit stuff is gonna help us now? What do you think, some angel will miraculously come down out of the sky and stop, say 350 billion tons of oil from being spilled into our oceans every year? Maybe some ghost will stop all the cars from using gasoline. Maybe somehow some spirit will trip the big switch and all the technology that's been repressed for the last 70 years will suddenly be ours and it'll be a better place to live, a beautiful place.
"So her father died for nothing and you haven't learned anything from your vision quest." Sean said.
Forrest Taft: I didn't want to resort to violence. I don't have a choice and I'm not taking any chances this time because I can't.
"You can't... motherfucker, you resort to violence every time in your movies!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Forrest stocks up on guns and ammo to take with him and some horses for him and Masu to ride on.
Forrest Taft: You ride good?
Masu: Of course. I'm a Native American.
"No, but you're Chinese-American." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Forrest and Masu make their way up the hill on horseback while MacGruder joins Stone to track down Forrest and to figure out who he's working for.
Merc: Our man in D.C. finds nothing on this guy before 1987. Which means either he was born fully grown or his background is so top-secret it doesn't even flag "top-secret" when you run his jacket.
Stone: That's beautiful.
MacGruder: Why? What's the matter? What's that supposed to mean?
Merc: Well, if I had a guess, I'd say it means he's Company.
MacGruder: Company? Oh, now Forrest Taft has been in the CIA? I don't think so.
Merc: CIA. NSA, maybe. DOD?
Stone: Whatever he is, he's a damn problem.
"Well, of course. Seagal's got to be the character that has a mysterious backstory. The ego on that guy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Forrest and Masu make it up to the little shack up on the hill and they gather up a bunch of C4 to blow up Aegis-1 and some grenades for the journey as well. And leaving the rest of the explosives behind, blowing up the shack and the mercenary helicopter. But, the rest of the mercenaries are on horseback to look for Forrest, so he sets up some taps for them and when they arrive, they get Home Alone'ed to death.
(Stone sees one of his men about to step on a tripwire)
Stone: Hold it up! Wait a minute!
(The merc sets the trap off, as the claymore explodes, killing the mercenary. MacGruder fires his gun around. We then see another merc who steps on a tripwire and gets knocked off of his horse by a tree branch. He is seen rolling on the ground and into a pit, where we see that he's impaled on a bunch of small sticks)
(A sound clip from Knightmare plays)
Treguard (Played by Hugo Myatt): Oooh, nasty!
(Forrest and Masu stop at a cliff where they see a gap inbetween the other cliff)
Sean: (V/O as Forrest) No, matte painting in the world is going to stop me. Seagal powers, activate!
(Forrest and Masu make it to the other side by jumping over the gap)
Sean: (Narrating) They make their escape and they head to Aegis-1 by sneaking onto the platform and Forrest whips him up a handy dandy silencer by using a plastic bottle to attach it to his gun.
(Forrest shoots the merc in the head with his silenced pistol)
"Well, that's one way to save the environment." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Forrest proceeds to sabotage Aegis-1 and stealthily killing every merc that gets in his way. And then, all hell breaks loose when the main power is shut down.
Masu: (Sees Forrest pulling out a cellphone) Who are you calling?
Forrest Taft: I'm just gonna reach out and touch somebody.
"Well, that line certainly aged well, given the fact that the dude was accused of sexual misconduct by a number of women." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And you know that Seagal directed this movie when you see explosions. Also, we get some of R. Lee Ermey's Ermey-isms.
Stone: My guy in D.C. tells me that we're not dealing with a student here, we're dealing with a professor. Any time the military has an operation that can't fail they call this guy in to train the troops, okay. He's the kind of guy that would drink a gallon of gasoline so he can piss in your campfire.
"Way to stroke his ego some more, Ermey." Sean said.
Stone: You could drop this guy off at the Arctic. Circle wearing a pair of bikini underwear, without his toothbrush and tomorrow afternoon he's gonna show up at your poolside with a million-dollar smile and a fistful of pesos.
Sean: (V/O as Forrest) Oh, God. I think I just splooged in my jeans.
Sean: (Narrating) While Forrest continues to take out the mercenaries, MacGruder tells Jennings that they got to get out of Aegis-1 before it blows up and he hightails it out of there.
(Liles gets up and walks over to the door)
Michael Jennings: Where are you going?
Liles: Um... To the bathroom.
"She's needed on the set of Body Chemistry 3." Sean said as a poster for Body Chemistry 3: Point of Seduction is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) MacGruder and Liles make it to the helicopter to escape, but Forrest blasts the tail-end of the helicopter with his shotgun, and Liles flees for her life to make sure that she's not gonna die in a Seagal movie. As for Dr. Cox...
MacGruder: If you really want Jennings, you're gonna need me. I got files, I got tapes, I got books.
Forrest Taft: You better have them in your pocket right now!
MacGruder: I got them!
Forrest Taft: Yeah?
(MacGruder tries to attack Forrest, but Forrest pushes him into the helicopter blades. We cut to a shot of blood splattering all over the ground and MacGruder's glasses hitting the ground)
"I can say that he can definitely blend. Better not breathe that Dr. Cox smoke." Sean said.
(A clip from Scrubs is shown)
Dr. Cox (Played by John C. McGinley): (Sings to the tune of the Westminster Chimes) Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!
Sean: (Narrating) Liles dies by her own stupidity by driving into a tanker and blows up. What do you know, a person that didn't get throat chopped to death by Seagal. While Jennings gets the rig on-line, Stone and his men get ready to take out Forrest, including Billy Bob Thornton?!
Homer Carlton (Played by Billy Bob Thornton): (About his machine gun) See, when it's out, I feel like a pussy, you know what I'm saying? And when it's in, it feels like, I don't know, meaner or something and when I kill the son of a bitch, I want to feel good about myself. I want to feel solid.
"Oh, I'm sure he'll survive this one." Sean said.
Homer Carlton: Open wide, sweetheart.
(Homer and the mercenary shoot at the elevator, eventually hitting the C4 explosive, which explodes and kills both Homer and the mercenary)
Sean: (V/O as Homer) I haven't had my french fried potaters yet!
Sean: (Narrating) Forrest pushes a bunch of buttons to destroy the rig and he takes out Stone in the coolest yet dumbest way possible.
Stone: Yeah. That's right, go ahead, Big Boy. Make your move. And I'm gonna shove this goddamn shotgun up your ass and blow the top of your fucking head off!
(Forrest grabs the shotgun barrel and flips it before shooting Stone)
We cut back to Sean as we see him laughing his head off.
"Okay, if this happened in real life, Ermey would put Seagal in his place." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Also, with his lower half covered in oil, you would probably think that he would be set on fire. And second, did he have to talk? That is the one fatal flaw of villains before they kill someone.
"Ermey, a little tip for you: when you gotta shoot, shoot, don't talk." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jennings starts up the rig while every oil worker escapes. And just as Forrest and Masu get ready to escape, they come across some more goons. And Forrest takes these guys out. with some appropriate slo-mo. Then, he goes after Jennings to deal with him personally.
Forrest Taft: What does one say to a man with no conscience? I'd like to tell you about the millions of people that you've made suffer, but I'd be a total idiot to think that you'd care. You're a piece of shit, Michael. Scum of the earth.
"Hey, hey, hey! You show some respect for Michael Caine, you fuck. That dude starred in a movie with Muppets." Sean said as a picture of Michael Caine in The Muppets Christmas Carol is shown.
Michael Jennings: You're a macho man with a code of honor. You won't shoot me in the back.
(Taft grabs a cable and lassos one of Jennings' legs with it)
"Oh, what do you know? He knows how to use a lasso when we saw him throwing people around with it a few scenes earlier." Sean said as the bar fight scene is shown again.
Sean: (Narrating) Forrest hangs Jennings up on a hook and he gets ready to shoot him.
Michael Jennings: Go ahead. Shoot me! Go on. Shoot me, you fucking coward! You haven't got the fucking guts!
Forrest Taft: I wouldn't dirty my bullets.
Michael Jennings: You macho asshole! Go ahead, shoot!
Masu: Dirty one for me, Forrest.
(Forrest shoots the cable and Jennings screams as he is sent to his death into a pool of oil sludge)
"Great. Now, Michael Caine's going to live with the fact that he got killed in a Seagal movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Forrest and Masu escape the rig as it blows up. So the only way to stop oil spills is by blowing up oil rigs and killing people. What the hell kind of lesson is that?! Luckily, he wasn't arrested for industrial sabotage and multiple murders. After the wanton death and destruction that he caused, Forrest makes a big speech at the Alaska State Capitol.
Forrest Taft: I'd like to start off by saying thank you to all the brothers and sisters that have come here today representing this cause.
"And I'm sure that my Native American brothers and sisters are probably offended by that jacket you're wearing." Sean said.
Forrest Taft: How many of you out there have heard of alternative engines? Engines that can run on anything from alcohol to garbage or water. Or carburetors that can get hundreds of miles to the gallon. Or electric or magnetic engines that can practically run forever. You don't know about them because if they were to come into use, they'd put the oil companies out of business.
Sean: (Narrating) He makes a big speech about how oil is bad, that feels like an episode of Captain Planet than the ending of a cinematic narrative.
Forrest Taft: Big Business is primarily responsible for destroying the water we drink, the air we breathe and the food we eat. They have no care for the world they destroy, only for the money they make in the process. How many oil spills can we endure? Millions and millions of gallons of oil are now destroying the ocean and the many forms of life it supports. Among these is plankton, which supplies sixty to ninety percent of the Earth's oxygen.
"Here's a fun little fact about this scene: Seagal filmed about 40 minutes of footage for the environmental message at the end of the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) During the test screening for the film, people booed, laughed and made obscene gestures for the entire sequence and they started walking out because they were bored to death. So, Seagal cut the scene down to about seven minutes.
"But my God! It feels like and eternity and it bored me to death." Sean said.
Forrest Taft: And finally, as long as there is profit to be made from polluting the Earth, companies and individuals will continue to do what they want. We have to force these companies to operate safely and responsibly, and with all our best interests in mind. So that when they don't, we can take back our resources and our hearts and our minds and do what's right.
Sean: (Narrating) This coming from a guy who looks like a roly poly donut-eating bitch who supports a tyrant whose main export is oil (a picture of Steven Seagal and Vladimir Putin is shown). God, this movie is horrible! (Laughs)
"And that was On Deadly Ground. And what a stupid, stupid movie. And it's awful in all the best ways." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) I'm so glad that I decided to end Seagal Month with this movie. This was a project that he had complete control over and this was the only film he directed. This is laughably bad and you've got to see this, and you know what? I loved every minute of it. I was surprised to see big name actors like Michael Caine, R. Lee Ermey and Billy Bob Thornton in a bad Seagal movie. Plus, it's message about saving the environment is dumb. Why save the environment when you can just go around and kill people? Hell, Seagal hasn't learned his lesson when he did Fire Down Below (a poster for Fire Down Below is shown), another environmentally-charged film. This movie is crap and it ignores the message on saving the environment and it's laughably bad. On Deadly Ground comes in at 2 polar bears out of 5.
"Well, that is all for Seagal Month. Thank you for joining me. And you know I've been making fun of Steven Seagal so much, I think it only makes sense to talk about something else. Maybe make fun of something." Sean said.
(A picture of John Ritter and Pam Dawber in Stay Tuned is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) People getting zapped into television while they try to get out of it. Yeah, sounds like the perfect movie to make fun of...
(A picture of Michael Kuzak and Grace Van Owen from L.A. Law is shown while the title "Sean's Story Arc: L.A. Law" is shown)
Mayhem Critic Tagline- There is no "I" in "team." It is T-E-A-M. Team!
And we did it. We've finished Seagal Month in March. And I thought it was going to last till April. So, what did you think of the review of On Deadly Ground and Seagal Month? Which movie from Seagal is your favorite? My personal favorite would have to be Under Siege because this was the best film of his. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, it's another segment of Sean's Story Arc when Sean takes a look at the first episode of L.A. Law, and joining him is his good buddy Lucas. Does the pilot episode still hold up or does it deserve to be sent to court for being bad. After the review of L.A. Law, it's the review of the 1992 film Stay Tuned, starring John Ritter and Pam Dawber. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. And I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.