Ruffnut's Regret

I started writing this year's ago but after some recent events I was left feeling… inspired to finish writing it.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything to with How to Train your Dragon, this is just my interpretation of it.

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Throk. That word, that one word that brightens my day. That one word that makes me feel happy, sad, hurt, special, respected, loved, wanted, and the list goes on and on. That one word showed me that I didn't have to be alone. That one word makes me feel like I truly belong and that I could be myself. That one man will hold a place in my heart forever and never be forgotten.

I rolled over to face where my brother lay. His slim body only slightly rose and fell, but was always followed with a snore. His dreadlocks lay spread out on the pillow, creating what seemed to be an ocean of blond. He is the one that I would do anything for. Our love for each other goes beyond the end of the earth. He was the one I chose. He is the one I put my happiness over.

I love Throk. Nearly more than anything, but that one person I love more than him is Tuffnut. I couldn't go be with Throk no matter how much I want to. I must always put Tuffnut first. I can't help but wonder if I made the right choice. Throk is my everything. I feel as though I can't live without him. Throk always thought of me, even though I am not the easiest viking to live with.

The gaping black hole inside of me opens its large jaws, threatening to swallow me whole. The feeling of hopelessness, and regret lay heavily on my chest. I feel stupid and worthless. Two fat drops pressed against my eyes screaming for a release. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like someone just ripped out my heart; stepped on it, used Macey to turn it to mush, and then hung it in front of me. Just out of reach. Taunting me to put it back in my chest.

I can't let Tuffnut see me like this. I would have no choice, but to tell him my feelings for Throk. It was hard enough to keep a care-free, happy smile on my face all day, despite the fact I felt dead inside. A mask usually comes easily, but this… this is almost too much. I can't take it anymore! I need to get out of here!

Ungracefully throwing off my blanket, I stumbled bare footed on the wooden floor boards. My eyes blurred and stomach twisted at the bubbling of emotions that I shoved down. Sealing in a box, hoping never to be released again. Except it wasn't secure enough, overflowing emotions bursting out of the box eating me inside out.

The door creaked open, louder then it should in this moment, but at this time I couldn't care less about being stealthy. I just need to get out, I need to get away, I need to get rid of these stupid! Stupid! Emotions! I just want to grieve in peace. Is that too much to ask? And yet I don't want to entirely be alone, I want his loving presence. I want him to be here to tell me it's all going to be alright and it's going to work out just fine. But he's not here, and it's all my own stupid fault.

I want to scream 'it's not fair' and 'nobody understands'. Yet how many people feel this? How many people feel heartbreak? How many of those people caused their own heartbreak? I know I'm not the only one to feel this way. In fact so many people right this second are feeling it, but despite this… I feel all alone. Like I'm the only one in the entire world who is experiencing this.

I guess in a way I am alone. I keep so many secrets, I can't even fully be myself most of the time. No one can know how I feel. No one can know the pain I'm in. I must keep up the mask. And so… therefore I am alone. I'm alone, drowning in my own foolishness.

The sound of my feet hitting the stairs echoed off the walls of the cliff. Mixing with the sound of the ocean lapping at the dock. It's constant moving reflection gently lighting up all around it. The moon's light casting a bright glow upon the water's surface.

At this moment all I could see was that dreaded ship taking off with the one I loved. Taking off with any chance of there being a future with him. Tears erupted from my eyes as I fell to my knees. The agony inside becoming too much. This is my fault. I'm so dumb. I'm just so, so stupid. Why did I do this to myself? Why must it hurt so much?

He was the only Viking to ever see me for me, not even Tuffnut has experienced my full striped back self. Sure, some of me had slipped through the cracks over the years. But it's usually just me putting on an exaggerated, fun-loving, mutton-headed self. Tuffnut's amazing, but if I left him alone too long I fear he would get himself killed. He loves me and I love him, but at heart he has so many weird, brilliant ideas and I can't have everyone think he's the craziest person around, closely followed by Mildew.

I threw away a chance to be myself, my utter true self, the man of my dreams who loves, cares, and respects me, and a chance to have a family of my own. For my brother. I'm never going to be my true self, I'm never going to marry, and never going to be taken seriously because of the love I have for my brother.

In the end it will be all worth it… probably, but right now… right now it feels like my world is collapsing. Like I could never possibly be happy again. Like I made the worst mistake of my life. To be honest I don't think I can keep up the pretense of being ok when my whole entire soul screams otherwise.

The gaping hole in the center of my chest only seemed to be ripping wider. My dinner sat threateningly in my throat as the urge to be sick weighed heavily in me. My cheeks soaked and had hair sticking uncomfortably to them. Pressure had built to the uttermost peak before spilling out from my nose. Tiredness weighed down on my head, as my ability to think straight slipped its way out of my head. Too far to reach. It is no doubt my face is pink and puffy, and that I am truly an attractive sight to behold. Yet I gave no signs of even being able to stop.

"I'm so stupid!" I screamed, my voice echoing all around. "This is my fault! Stupid, Stupid, STUPID! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF!?! YOU COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY, BUT NOOOoooOo YOU HAD TO BE STUPID AND LIE! TO EVERYONE! BUT GUESS WHAT?! THE ONLY ONE YOU'RE NOT FOOLING IS YOURSELF! YOU STUPID! WASTE OF SPACE! IDIOT! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SO DARN MUCH!"

My screams despite being loud and almost un-understandable became more husky and worn the longer I went on. Even though I didn't want anyone to find out, my care factor was slowly slipping more and more into non-existence. I wanted him, I wanted Throk to be here so badly. Why can't happy ever afters happen? Why can't everything line up with being with the one you love?

Wail, after wail escaped my lips, and sometimes a scream would make its way through. "WHY? WHY WON'T THE PAIN GO AWAY? NOTHING MATTERS SO WHY BOTHER? THIS DOESN'T MATTER! MY FAULT! MY STUPID FAULT! I'VE RUINED EVERYTHING! I'M SO, SO STUPID!"

I need to move, go to the other side of the island so no one can hear me. But I'm too weak, I can't move. All I can do is scream and cry. The pain won't go away, maybe it will never go away. Exhaustion lay over me, everything was too heavy to move. My voice now so scratched and throat so dry that only pitful hiccups escaped me.

"Ruffnut," a gentle voice sounded. I ignored them, wanting nothing more then for them to go away and forget everything. In fact I want to walk away and forget everything. Is that too much to ask?

"Ruffnut, are you ok?"

Scratch that, it's too much to ask. This is what I get for being so stupid. I deserve this. I deserve to suffer for all I've done. It's about time I suffer the consequences of my actions. It's about time I suffer for ruining everything. Nothing is more painful than this, nothing, so this is what I get.

"Breathe, you need to breathe. Come on with me, in… out… in… out," came the voice, pulling me back a bit into reality. "That's it, breathe in… and out. Good! Just like that. In… and out again."

This continued for several minutes before I finally come aware of the large, warm hands holding me steady. And the blurred shape in front of me slowly began taking proper form.

"F-Fishlegs," I whispered, heart pounding. Everyone is going to find out now, they are going to find out that I am a fraud.

"Are you… ok? Like- oh that's a terrible question of course you're not ok. Um, do you need to talk about it?" His kind eyes stared into mine. He really truly wanted to help, I could see that but do I deserve it? Is there anything he can do? No, it's too late now anyway. Everyone probably knows at this point.

"Do you need Tuffnut?" Fishlegs asked at my silence. I shook my head immediately, which I regretted soon after as the world whirled around me, and a heavy weight bounced back and forth in my head. Tuffnut can't know of this.

"Right ok, is there anyone I can get to help you? Hiccup? Astrid?"

"No," I croaked, not wanting to experience the same head abuse.

Fishlegs sighed, running a hand down his face. "Do you want get cleaned up at my place? You don't have to tell me what's wrong, but you obviously don't want Tuffnut to know and who knows if anyone else will come out to investigate."

Everyone's probably heard by now anyway so what's the point. I looked back to the cruel ocean. It's cold, black body folding over itself. Mocking me for my life decisions. It knows too much, I can't stay here. I looked back into his green eyes. Can I trust him? Can I really trust anyone? Would he still care if he found out that I wasn't really who he thought I was?

There was a kindness in his face, there were worry lines to show he cared, but also a non-judgemental gaze. He wasn't Throk, he didn't know who I am really and truly. He only knew the me I put on, the annoying muttonhead who took nothing seriously, yet he is here… and he cares…

"Ok," I whispered, accepting his guidance as he led me up the stairs. There was a soft, tenderness in him, his hand rested with feather-like gentleness on my shoulder.

Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe if I actually sat down and explained the situation to Throk maybe we could have found a way. Maybe he would have moved to Berk and we both would have been able to keep an eye on Tuffnut. Stop it Ruffnut! You made your choice, now you must live with it. There is no point dwelling on what could have been, all that'll do is cause more pain. Just take this one step at a time.

Fishlegs let me into his hut, a candle sat on a desk giving us a warm welcoming hug along with the rest of its surroundings. He left my side for a moment to bring over a chair. "Take a seat," he said. "Rest." He left again this time bringing back a dry and a wet cloth.

After a few minutes of silence and me freshening up he spoke again. "You know, you are not alone. You are never alone. You have a group of friends who care about you and will be there for you no matter what. I don't know what you are going through right now, but I can see whatever it is it's hurting you and so if there is a way, anyway, that I can help you out then do not hesitate to ask."

There's not really anything he can do, nice of him to try to but there isn't. I know he would help Ruffnut Ruffnut but why should he help me. He doesn't know me, and has no reason to help. I'm just a fake who can't help screwing up her own life. "Thanks Fishlegs, but I-" I broke off when I looked into his face. Those eyes seemed to almost see through me and worst yet had a look of knowing. I snapped my gaze down to the cloths.

He knew more than he was letting on. Perhaps he did understand, maybe he was one of those souls who are suffering like I am. Maybe just maybe I'm not as alone as I thought I was. Perhaps I don't need to give up on myself and my dreams for Tuffnut after all. Maybe… it's possible to keep an eye on Tuffnut, and live happily ever after after all.

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Thanks for reading! I'm personally a Thork x Ruffnut shipper, and often get the feeling Ruffnut is the smarter twin. But yeah, this is just my take of what she was going through in the TV show and how it lead into the movies. Plus not gonna lie helped me get through some personal stuff.

Please feel free to review if you want to, I'd love to hear (or read in this case) your thoughts on the fanfic.

May God bless you!

~Fem