Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.

One Knuckleheaded Glutton

Birthday Crash

Honestly, Naruto wasn't avoiding Vortex intentionally. He fucked up the house and he got his ass kicked, so yes, he was expecting to have to throw hands with 'The Boyfriend' at some point. However, that had to wait, as he had to be punished for his 'insubordination'. Part one of his punishment, once he'd healed, was to go around the house and do what he could to fix the damage. Part two was still pending.

Of course, part one got put on hold once Tex and motherfucking Verosika "One-Body-Fuck-Party" Mayday showed up with her entire Lust-born Crew. Once their, er, introductions were made – during which, the room reeked of arousal and desire; two things that Naruto never got much of a taste for in his time as Bee's 'Baby Brother' – he was allowed to delegate Part One's punishment to his horde of clones. At least this batch had the common sense not to start any shit right after the original got his ass handed to him on seven different platters.

Oh, and, that horde he delegated his punishment to? Yeah, he oh-so-fucking stupidly created in the grand view of an entire crew made up of Succubi and Incubi. It was like serving freshly made chum to an ocean of hungry sharks; Naruto was on the run from that moment on, shouts of "Dibs!" followed his departure and Bee's laugh put her right the fuck back on his list of people who earned his wholehearted, fucking malificent Vengeance. Thank the faceless, silent, questionably-omniscient God for the substitution technique. If not for that, Naruto would likely be suffering a severe fucking deficiency in multiple vitamins and life force.

So, tired and hungry from spending the past four-now-five hours on the run from an eager group of sex demons that wanted the one fucking card he was allowed to bring with him to the afterlife, he sought a refuel break in the second kitchen. It was a bonafide miracle that it remained untouched from his and Bee's "little squabble," as she called it. Of course, this detour caused him to lower his guard. Low and behold, as he ducked into the fridge to get something cold and extremely alcoholic to drink from the back, he was caught by a member of the Crew.

Thankfully, it was the only one that wanted a piece of him in a non-sexual manner.

"You look like shit."

"Fuck you, Vore-Tex." Naruto sighed as he pulled a bottle of Beelzejuice out and shut the fridge. He turned to glare at the Hellhound – the fucker wasn't even glaring at him, just watching him. Stoic and calm, like nothing about the situation bothered him. Not aloof, thank Christ because the last thing Naruto needed was to run into some that acted like his old sensei after so fucking long – and flicked the bottle's cap off. He took a swig, enjoyed the bitter sting of Bee's most popular product, before he sniffed and rolled his neck. "So, now what? You wanna go a round or two? Get back at me for leaving Bee with a shiner for all of three fucking seconds?"

"Bee's a big girl." Ha, yeah, play it cool. The irritation wafted off of the Hellhound was like an Akamichi's fart. It may not be loud, but it can fill a room and it is deadly. "Besides, she already got you back for that."

"No shit she did." Naruto snorted and took another swig before he leaned against the counter. "Basically paralyzed me from the neck down for three fucking hours and forced me to suffer through those godawful motherfucking public access shows on her television for two of 'em."

"...I'd say I sympathize, but frankly, I don't want any fucking part of that." Vortex admitted with a wince. Naruto raised his bottle in recognition of his small win. Not many wanted to suffer that punishment in Hell. He was mid-sip when the bodyguard spoke again. "So, did you think about it?"

"...Public access television? Kinda hard not to when you can't move." He snorted. Vortex glared at him.

"I meant, if you thought about what I said yesterday."

"In case you forgot, dickhead, a lot of shit went down between then and now." Naruto deadpanned. Vortex curled his lip and swallowed the growl that just barely came out.

"Do you want me to take a swing at you or something?"

"I mean, no? But if it helps you relax, go for it." The Foxfiend shrugged. Weirdly enough, violence was one of the few things he understood. Conversation through combat, Satan called it. A lost art or some shit. He was quite fluent, despite the time between his last life and this one, and was able to navigate such a type of conversation with inhabitants of Wrath almost as easily as he did with those of Gluttony.

"I'm not taking a swing at you."

"Cool. Good talk. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to avoiding your fuckbuddies." Naruto huffed.

With a snarl that shook the fine china in the cabinets, the Hellhound shot to his feet and slammed his hands on the table. Naruto tensed, ready to retaliate if he were to be leapt at. The two stared each other down before Tex closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Tension bled out of the large hound's shoulders.

"You are...A loud, annoying, little shitheel–"

"Thank you." Naruto once more toasted with a half-serious smile on his face. The irritation was more resigned now, and the brief flare of anger was gone nearly as soon as it appeared. Hm, maybe this guy really didn't stay pissed like Bee said. At least he saw why she was so interested in him now.

Outside of the "great dick", anyway.

"But, you stood your own against a significant fraction of the Sin of Gluttony's full power. That, on its own, is ...impressive." Vortex straightened up and worked his jaw. "Do you want a job?"

"...I'm sorry, what?" Naruto blinked and nearly dropped his drink. That certainly wasn't where he expected the conversation to go. He'd expected a punch to be thrown somewhere between fifteen to ten minutes ago. Shit, he still expected a punch.

"Okay, my bad. I should have guessed that you might still be a little concussed after my girl whooped your ass." This smartassed sisterfucker just said that to him with a straight face. Dammit, Naruto actually respected him more for it. He knew that he couldn't say that to someone without bursting into laughter mid-sentence. "So, I'll say it again slowly. Do...you...want...a job?"

"Me? A glorified babysitter?" Naruto asked and crossed his arms. He closed his eyes and willed his tail not to swish. Memories of all sorts raced through his head all at once. A snowy-land turning to spring as a giant little girl cried out her dream to a faceless parent; walking across long-spanning beaches beside a convoy of royals; standing atop an unfinished bridge beside his friend to protect a drunk of a bridge builder. These and others filtered in and out of Naruto's mind's eye, but they were pushed back. The Beelzejuice bottle was brought up to his lips and he swallowed another good portion.

"Ahh…" He sighed, hung his head and scratched his ear. A snort escaped him before he started snickering. "You...You want me to be a bodyguard?! To who? Those chucklefucks that have been harassing me? Fuck you!"

"No, not them. I can handle my 'fuckbuddies'." Vortex scoffed. Well, okay, Naruto was definitely willing to hear him out now. That was a brilliant turnaround. Call-back? Whatever, Vortex made a dumb joke, and he was tipsy enough to enjoy it. "But bodyguarding is a profitable gig. And when Bee backs your resume–"

"You mean, if." Naruto interjected flatly. He looked down at the bottle in his claw and a scowl formed on his face. "She might not want to share her 'pet'."

"Alright, I let a lot slide with you, but that shit? That will get you fucking smacked." Vortex warned around a growl. "Do not talk about Bee that way."

"Oh, fuck off, you STD-riddled mutt." Naruto rolled his eyes and set his drink on the counter. He crossed his arms again to stare the scowling Hellhound down. "It's something that came up after I got my 'ass kicked'. It's a Sin thing. You wouldn't understand."

"The fuck is that supposed to mean?" Vortex scowled. Oh, this stupid dog had no idea what kind of world they were in. Naruto knew; he'd been part of it for a lot longer than the Hellhound had been.

"Ask Bee." Naruto shrugged. He stretched and rocked his neck from one side to the next. "Now, maybe you're onto something with the babysitting gig, and, tell you what, you get Bee to let me get a license for it? Sure, I'll babysit some rich fuck's silver-spoon sperm-child."

"...Are you serious?" Vortex growled.

"Dead. Ass." Naruto nodded. He let out a yawn. "Fuck, I'm tired. Tell Bee I'm going to sleep some more. She'll find me if she needs me."

Naruto wasn't even out of the room when the Hellhound stopped him again.

"I don't fucking get you, Naru-lzebub." Vortex admitted. Oof, busted out his 'true' name, this was heartfelt honesty. "You are probably the one fucking thing I don't - that I can't get about Bee. I don't understand why she gives a shit about you, but for some fucking reason, she does."

"...Yeah, she does. Lucky me, amirite?" He asked, the smile he wanted to bear wouldn't reach his ears. Tex shifted behind him and the familiar sharp sting of aggression assaulted his nose.

"The fucking second that changes–"

"You bring the chips, I'll pack a basket. It's a date."

A silence held between the two before Vortex huffed out a laugh and strode out of the room in the other direction.

"Sleep light, asshole."

"Yeah, yeah." Naruto waved at him without looking back. Memories of mortals that controlled the elements and used big-ass, fuck-that-entire-field-in-particular animals to fight continued to dance in front of his closed eyes. "Fuck you, too, Vore-Tex."

Days had passed since the fire almost put Immediate Murder Professionals' budding business out. The money from the following gig helped cover repairs and the replacement of most of the supplies that were lost. It had been mostly quiet since then and the excitement of that job had more or less made one particular member of I.M.P. able to make plans for an evening she wanted to celebrate alone.

Loona had been surfing Sinstagram for a good dive bar to celebrate the minute she woke up. Yeah, it was Hell, and there wasn't a drinking age, but there was a drinking limit for certain species at certain ages because they couldn't afford to allow extinction due to inebriation to strike lest Lucifer have nothing to rule over or some shit.

Anyway, her birthday plans mostly consisted of ditching the idiots at I.M.P. and rocking it out as a recognized adult in her species' culture. As for how, well, Millie and her Fatty hubby were going to be easy; they knew each other for less than a year. Their fucks about what she did outside of work were at absolute zero, and Loona was more than fine to share the mutual feeling. It was Blitzø that would remember something about today, that part she was sure on. After all, he'd gotten pretty fucking good at annoying her for the past four years. He'd ruin whatever chance she had at expanding her circle of friends aside from him (and, tentatively, the smarter half of their fucking married coworkers) by bringing himself along whenever she tried to sneak out, but she was ready this year.

While the Imp was on one of his correspondences with their rich DTF-y benefactor (insert full-body shudder here), Loona had acquired some horse tranquilizers that she planned to slip into his weekly breakfast coffee. Why did she choose to get equine medication? Well, for one thing, they were the cheapest thing at the market, damn near free out of a vending machine, and the other reason was just for the fucking irony of it. Yeah, it might take a few hours before he actually drank the essentially roofied drink, but he would be more or less out of her hair, coat and life for the foreseeable evening.

All in all, Loona was ready for a perfect, Imp-less, day.

Alas, she underestimated the overcompensating swell of compassion her adoptive father was capable of.

Loona yelped when the door to her room was kicked open and a large, asymmetrical thing was brought in, held above the Imp assassin's head by both of said Imp's arms. Heart racing, the Hellhound snarled and glared glowing daggers at the Imp. Before she could properly cuss him out, he opened his mouth.

And, much to her horror and that of their neighbors, began to sing.

"Ha-a-a-a-appy birth-day, too you! Ha-a-a-a-p-py birth-day, to-o-o y-o-ou! Ha-a-a-a-appy birth-day, Dear Loon-e-e-e!" Blitzø sang, slightly off-key, way out of tune, and more like the fucking wedding march than the actual goddamn song. Furthermore, he was stumbling slightly, clearly struggling to carry that monstrosity he had in his hands.

Fucking Christ! He could make a deaf guy cringe! Loona whined as she covered her head with a pillow and turned into the mattress. She felt her tail curl into her legs and squeezed her eyes shut. Nope. She could still hear him.

"Ha-a-a-a-appy bi-i-irth-da-a-ay-yeee-yay, too-o-oo!" Blitzø stopped singing – mercies never fucking cease! – for a minute to not only catch his breath but to set the giant thing down on the floor. And he didn't drop it? Okay, she had to give him a little bit of credit for that. She looked at the sloppy icing job that, uh...maybe it once resembled the number twenty-one in a crackhead's fever dream. Before she could try to get him out of her hair, he fucking started singing again.

"Yo-o-oo-o-o-o-oo-o-ou~!"

Blitzø held his hands out to the side, a giant stupid grin on his face as he looked at Loona expectantly and heaved for breaths. Fucking typical, seeking validation from her. She scowled at him and dropped her pillow on the mattress.

"What. The actual. Fuck?!"

"...I-It's your birthday?"

"Yeah! My birthday! My twenty-first birthday! You think I want you to fucking barge in here, deafen me and put this-this...what the fuck even is this shit on the floor?!" Loona threw the thing a foul glare, sniffed and then focused that glare back on Blitzø. "Is that...Did you take the rest of that stupid fucking cake?! You brought home weeks old cake, barged into my room at bullshit early in the morning and started assaulting me with that fucking song!?"

"I…I, uh…"

"I fucking told you to stop treating me like I'm a goddamn child!"

"...I just...I thought you might…"

"Yeah, well, that was your fucking mistake, wasn't it?!" Loona snarled. She groaned and held her head. "God-dammit, Blitzø, I just–One day! Is it too fucking much to ask!? Just let me have this one fucking day!"

"Do...Do you want today off, Loony-er, Loona?" Blitzø asked, correcting himself at her glare. His words sank in and Loona blinked. Day off? ...Holy shit, did she just score a day off?! A reasonable excuse to get the fuck away from the idiot brigade?!

"...Yeah. You know what? Yes! I'm taking today off." Loona leaned in and growled at Blitzø. "And if I see you anywhere near me today–!"

"Can... we celebrate tomorrow?"

"If I. See you. Anywhere. Near me. Today." Loona reiterated as her fury grew. Blitzø put his hands together in a single clap and ...fucking smiled at her? What the fuck was wrong with this guy?

A question she's been asking herself for the past four years since she was adopted. There was still no answer.

"Okay, Loony-toony. Today's your day." Before she could stop him, he launched himself at her and put her in a tight hug that had her baring her teeth. What fucking part of her not seeing him did he think not touching her wasn't included!? Worse yet, he planted a kiss on her cheek —just, fucking no!— before he pet her bed head! The asshole! "You have a good day today, birthday girl. Because tomorrow? Tomorrow is our day."

"J-Just...Get. The Fuck. Out." Loona growled. She wasn't sure how she'd lost this fight, but it certainly felt like she did.

Just as suddenly as he had exploded into her life, into her room, Blitzø was gone. Loona stood alone in the room, silently seethed, and reached up to drag claws through the fur on her face. Once to straighten it out, a second time to graze the skin beneath, and a final time to get that sweet rush of danger-fight-defend adrenaline most sentients got whenever something got too close to their face. She closed her eyes and let out a long, heavy sigh mixed with a final tired grow and let her arms drop.

"Thank merciful Lucifer, he's gone." She muttered. She was about to climb back into bed when something occurred to her.

I can save the Horse Tranquilizer for another day.

Loona smirked at the thought and flopped back on her bed. Maybe the morning hadn't been ruined. She could relax, find a dive bar for later, and then go get a Vanilla Latte. Alone. And while she drank that, she could plan another day to knock Blitzø out. Yep. This was going to be a good day.

Two red eyes opened to look at the ceiling and immediately, the Hellhound scowled.

"It hasn't even been ten fucking minutes."

Blitzø flinched and tried to duck back into the vent he was half-climbing out of. The attempt didn't go well. He fell with a yell and hit the floor with a thump. Rebounded like a fucking champ though, another bit of credit Loona begrudgingly gave him: He was like a fucking cockroach. Then he hopped to his feet and tried to talk to her.

"I just, uh. I just thought you'd want me to save the cake...for...tomorrow..."

Without looking at him, Loona snarled.

"Get out!"

"Wow, yeah, no fucking way they make this." Naruto mused as he looked over the coffee order he'd picked up on DevilDash.

It took a day for him to convince her (which was twenty-three more hours than he wanted to deal with the Succubi and Incubi that had been brought into his 'sister's trashed home), but Vortex actually got Bee to back his application to be a bodyguard. Sure, her one condition was that she had to vet the prospective clients, but Naruto was all for that. Knowing his luck, and based on his personal experience, he'd pick a job where he was protecting the last scion of a lost Ring of Hell destined to save the world or some shit like that. So yeah, Bee could pick the baby he would be paid to sit on.

That...doesn't sound right. I better not say that aloud. Naruto's blue eyes squinted before he shook it off. Anyway, while he waited on Bee to find him a client, he picked up a simple delivery gig with DevilDash. Which, by the way is probably a fucking great idea, whatever resident of Hell came up with it must be rolling in it.

"Come on, come on, daddy needs a new tie…" A feline-like sinner had a wide grin on his face as he shook a pair of dice at a gambling table. The dice were thrown and his grin fell. "Aw, fuck me."

"Snake Eyes, house wins the pot." The snooty chimera of a Box-Sinner announced to the dismayed players stationed around the table.

"God-dammit." Husk slammed his face into the table as his last chips were taken away. He looked up with a scowl and drummed his fingers on the edge. Fuck. Where's the nearest card table when I need it?

Unaware of his inaccurate assumption, Naruto went back to reading over the order that was placed by some poor sod named Moxxie.

"Well, at least these two are definitely getting their order...Hm, wonder if I still get paid if they don't make this asshole's drink?" Naruto mused. He frowned. "They probably have a loophole that fucks me over."

Resigned to the waste of time this trip could be, he walked into the Hothead Cafe and waved at the teenaged Sinner behind the counter. They perked up and waved back. Shame about Harper, who got shot in the back by some over-eager security guard while robbing some overpriced electronics store. Naruto didn't judge, but he figured that crimes of necessity might help a case on getting into Heaven. Not that he wanted to go there, no, he gave up on that longshot dream a long-ass time ago.

"Harper, hey! How's it going?" Naruto asked, grinning at them once he got to the counter. Harper grinned back, or at least, he was pretty sure they did.

"D-Doing good, Mr. Lzebub, s-sir."

"For the last time, Harper, it's Naruto. I'm not even picking up for Bee today." Naruto shook his head. He looked at his Hellphone. "I got a pickup for a…Moxxie?"

"Oh, er, yeah. That. Um…" Harper shrank in on themself and wrung their hands. "I...Look, we can swing the other two drinks easy, but...the one for, um, Moxxie–"

"I know. It's ridiculous." The Foxfiend leaned on the counter and looked at the order. Some people were just plain assholes. Shaking his head, he looked away from the phone screen and met Harper's nervous gaze. "Tell you what, make him a regular coffee and get everyone back there to spit in it."

"Y-you want me to-to…P-purposefully get a cu-customer's order wrong?!" Harper gulped. Oh, this poor, sweet Summer child didn't deserve to be down here.

"No, no, no-no-no-no-no." Naruto waved a hand as his tail flicked. He grinned. "It's a prank! A harmless prank, on some schmuck, who thinks he's too good to order off your company's menu. I mean, come on, you read this fucking thing, right? Who drinks soy milk in Hell?"

"...I...I guess that's a good point." Harper chewed their lip. "A-Alright, just...just give me a minute."

"No rush. I'll be here." Naruto waved off with a grin as his tail swished through the air. He adjusted the setting on his current order and stepped to the side to let the next customer through. He looked through his messages and checked the once more active group chat he had with Cerb, Herb, and Russ. The guards to the lowest Gates of Hell were back on shift after their century-long vacation, and there were already complaints coming in from the whiniest of the trio. He'd have to find a way to send them something nice, maybe use a favor from Bee?

Four fists barreled into his snout, he caught an arm in his teeth and ripped it out of its socket.

...Or he could wait until she got him an actual gig, maybe a prospective client would have more connections they'd be willing to use. Yeah, probably a better idea to do that.

"Fucking just hurry it up, alright? I'm not spending my whole day here." Wow, someone needed their fix and bad. Naruto would just stay out of their way and wait for his order – "Oh, shit. It's you again."

He looked up from his phone and his ears rose with his brows. A grin spread across his face.

"Hey! It's…" —please get this right, please get this right, please get this right— "Loona, right?" He asked. Her ears perked and she pushed some hair out of her eyes. Hm, weird. Tex's eyes looked closer to a light burgundy whereas Loona's were...shit, they were damn near crimson. They were really pretty eyes; he'd always had an appreciation for a nice hue of red. It was a shame she didn't want to go out with him. Ah well, c'est la vie; he could at least be cordial with her..

"Right. And you're...Na-waki?" She asked, wincing as she did. To his credit, Naruto managed to stifle the first snort, but the more it replayed in his head, it was all too certain that he'd lost the battle to his laughter. Which he did. Thankfully, Loona didn't take it too poorly — the non-existent counter for an absence of Sakura-chan-level freak outs just hit seven digits, motherfuckers! Whoo! — even though she seemed a bit off. "Wait, fuck, sorry. I'm...Not...good with names."

"No, i-it's fine. My name's weird, even by Hell's shit standards." He waved her off once he recomposed himself. He leaned against the wall and looked up at the ceiling with a small smile. Another chuckle trickled out as he ran a hand over his head. "Hot damn. Nawaki... holy shit, that's a name I haven't heard in a long time."

"Then, uh, what is your name?" Loona fished, hand on her hip, the other fiddling with her phone, while she avoided looking at it. Naruto glanced back at her and weighed the options he had. Prime time for a prank, or he could be genuine... Yeah, this was a no brainer; he already had a prank in the making for that Moxxie guy. The worst Loona did was turn him down and she was far from the first girl to do that.

"Naruto." He offered with a small smile. She mouthed the name before she smiled back.

"Na-ru-to?"

"There you go." He grinned. She looked away and played with her phone a bit. He expected it to end there, so he started to let his mind drift back to the name Nawaki and those connected to it. Then, Loona continued talking to him.

"So…is this another coffee run for your friend?"

Translation: Should I even waste my time waiting for a drink here?

"Not for a friend, but it is a coffee run." He shrugged. He gestured to the spot beside him as a large rotund Sinner that looked like some kind of fish made his way to the front of the line. Once Loona was comfortable on the wall beside him, Naruto continued, holding his phone up for emphasis. "It's a small gig with DevilDash. Gotta keep myself busy until I land a real job."

"Oh?" Loona arched her brow. She reached up to play with the bit of her hair that fell over her eyes – can't say he blamed her for that, it looked soft. "What, uh, what do you do?"

"Hopefully, bodyguarding." Naruto chuckled at the blink she gave in turn. "Yeah, I know. I look like I'm a twig compared to most Hellhound guards."

"I...Never made that correlation." Well, at least she wasn't lying outright. "You don't, uh...I'd thought with the dye…"

Hm, was she uncomfortable? Did discomfort have a scent or was it a mix? Was that something he could smell? He had to run that by Bee–Wait, hold up.

"Dye?" Naruto asked, crossing his arms. Must not touch head. Must not touch head. Must not touch head.

His…unique hair was similar to his 'sisters', in that it was a deviation from Hell's norm and that it drew criticism whenever the opportunity arose. Granted, the most he got were complaints about a 'mane' or 'birds nest' in the form of the few thirsty papers of fan mail from a decision he made many years ago.

"Your, um, coat?" Loona winced and her tail curled around her legs—Eyes up, Naruto. That counter is still going strong. "Is-is that, uh, rude? Sorry, I was...I grew up in an orphanage and, outside of the typical behavior lessons, there's not a lot of, uh, Hellhound etiquette, y'know."

Orphan.

Dead-Last.

Loser.

Idiot!

"I'm not." Naruto huffed with a flare of his nostrils. Loona stared at him, a brow slowly rising up while her eyes narrowed and one of her ears flicked. Hm, agitation and confusion was a bitter combination. Her scent was better with the 'vibes' she had before—He shook his head to focus on the here and now. "Sorry, I meant...I'm not a Hellhound."

"...Huh?" Loona tilted her head and–Oh, merciful Lucifer, spare him. That's not fucking fair. She can't be hot and adorable.

"I'm not a Hellhound." He reiterated. Her brows furrowed and her eyes darted around before she came to some decision. She leaned in and, at his nod when she looked up at him to confirm, sniffed. Her face seemed to relax for a second before her brow furrowed again and she gently shook herself while she pulled away. Maybe it was a silent sneeze? Yeah, it's about that time of year. She looked back up at him with an arched brow.

"...You're sure?"

"Pretty sure." Naruto chuckled. "Know a few, though. So maybe you smell them?"

Loona kept staring at him. He shifted from one foot to the next and his right ear flicked. Her brow scrunched up before it relaxed and she gave a slow nod.

"Maybe." Pretty red eyes glanced back up into his blue. "But...If you're not a Hellhound–?"

"Kind of an off-shoot. Lucifer called my kind 'Foxfiend'. Real original, right?" He smirked when she huffed out a small laugh.

"If you're in preschool, maybe."

"Well, you didn't hear this from me, but…" Naruto made a show of checking their surroundings – none of the patrons of the Hothead Cafe could give two shits, but still it was all about the performance – before he leaned in and mumbled out of the side of his mouth. "My friends and I sometimes call him the Head Brat In Charge, y'know."

The others wouldn't say that to the Head of Hell's face, but Naruto and a few Sins? Yeah. Bee might, depends on how 'iffy' Luci tasted that day.

"Fuck off." Loona let out a light laugh. Or was it a giggle? Girls giggled, right? He made a girl giggle. He made a girl giggle!

Fuck, yes! Suck on a fat sloppy pig cock wherever you are in the afterlife, Ino! Naruto made a girl laugh at his dumb joke!

"On my life, I swear it's the truth." He promised, smiling as he put a hand over his chest. He opened his mouth to say something else when his name was called.

"Mr. Lze–erm, N-Naruto? I, uh, I got your pickup for Moxxie!"

"And that's me. Nice to see you again, Loona." Naruto shrugged and smiled at Loona. He went up to the counter to gather the order and grinned at Harper. "All set?"

"M-made to your s-specifications, sir. I just…" The Germ-like Sinner leaned in close. "T-To get comp-compliance, I, er, I had to drop your, erm, name."

Mm, the infliction on the word implied his 'true' name's use. Whatever, this prank was worth it.

"That's alright. Thanks, Harp."

"I'm not a Hellhound."

Not a Hellhound?

What.

The.

Fuck.

He wasn't–Naruto wasn't a Hellhound? The flying fuck is a Foxfiend? Offshoot? She'd never heard of them before. How could he be so low key?

As her mind raced, Loona went back through how the day had progressed to this point after Blitzø ruined her morning. She stayed in bed for another hour - just to make sure the Imp actually left for his job and wasn't planning to stalk her again - before getting up and coming out to Hotheads for a Latte. Another wait this time, but given the amount of people this early she wasn't terribly surprised. Then, low and behold, he was here again.

The Orange Hellhound.

Initially, she had the same reaction to him as before - surprise, indifference, slight interest in his scent - and then she remembered he was also an idiot. Cute, sure, but still an idiot. So, she almost didn't feel bad for not remembering his weird name, Nawarudo or whatever.

And then he got her name right on the first try.

Sure, it could be argued he overheard it when she placed her order, but regardless of that, she still felt a small bit of shame when she couldn't remember his name. It wasn't like being an idiot made you a bad person — yeah, yeah, ha-ha, it's Hell. Whatever and fuck off — just sometimes it made you really fucking annoying. That said, when an idiot could remember your name, the least you could do is try to return the courtesy. Then, she fucked up his name…

And he laughed.

What the Fuck. Her stomach felt tight from the sound. What the Fuck. Her face threatened to burn, her ears were already warm. What the fuck, what the fuck, what the cum-guzzling, STD-riddled, cheap-assed actual fuck?

It felt like, like…She didn't know what it was, exactly, but she'd felt it before and had smothered it then. She can do it again.

Okay, maybe it's just his laugh. She can get over that. It was easy. Maybe if she found the major flaw that failed to check her boxes. So, she quickly checked him out at the right opportunity.

Mistakes were made.

His left arm had a bandage around it and his Mayday May Daze Tour shirt was swapped out for a once-sleeved-now-sleeveless shirt that read 'Satan Seis Suffering iS Strength!'. And wow, damn. The orange Hellfox-er, the Fiendhound…Fuck it, Naruto was cut.

His fur coat wasn't too thick for her to pretend that she couldn't see the definition he had hidden under his flimsy-ass shirt. The bandages around his stomach were mildly intriguing and the various slashes of cream fur scattered about his orange coat made her curious.

Alright, well that failed. What next?

His job! What's he do? He's gotta do something she wouldn't find interesting. He's a…Bodyguard? Okay, crap, that checked a whole series of boxes for her, most of which were caused by instinct. His visible scars spoke volumes — Loona's own employer dealt in death, and it wasn't like she wasn't blooded from her time in The Kennel — about what he'd done, even if she didn't have the full story. Still, it was a job she found interesting. Mind you, his lean build would be useful for all of a second before someone blew a hole through him and the sucker he was paid to stand in front of.

Loona swallowed the snort that thought brought up. Doing so gave her another whiff of violets. Damn, that definitely stirred up the same weird feeling that his dumb laugh did. Not as strong as the big scent he let her sneak (she had to fight herself really hard not to react to that). Hot fuck, violets shouldn't have this effect on her. Right? …Maybe?

Whatever, his cologne was too strong for her own good and his eyes were so fucking pretty she wanted to die, and his stupid grin was too bright and his dumb jokes weren't funny, but she fucking giggled at them! Giggled!

What the fuck?!

Maybe this was a charm? Well, if you asked the Grimoire that belonged to The Ars Goetia, then no. Hellhounds have no magical aptitude. Fucking speciest book. Loona had to find a better book one day. Learn actual magic and all that shit.

(Not to mention prove that she wasn't weird for having these reactions to some guy she met all of twice!)

"And that's me." Wait, what? Loona managed to focus - goddamn stupid flower smell, fuck you for smelling so nice! - just as Naruto grinned at her again. "Nice to see you again, Loona."

Then he turned away to head to the desk and, yep. Goddammit, this was the nail in the coffin for her.

He had a cute ass.

…This wasn't a charm, was it?

Fuck.

"Later-!" "Pickup for Lunar?!" When did he get to the door? Shit. Her drink was ready, right? Loona practically leapt at the counter, where she met that dumb fucking germ-like Sinner again.

"Vanilla Latte-?"

"Yep, mine, thanks and fuck off." Loona snatched the drink out of the amoeba Sinner's hand(?) and dropped a wad of cash on the counter. "Keep the change, fuckface, you need it!"

She practically tore out of Hotheads' and scanned the street. Where did he-? How the f-Bingo! Swishy, bushy tail and cute ass, three o'clock. She just had to not look like she was chasing him — okay, why in the flying fuck did that idea turn her on? That had to be a Hellhound thing that the orphanage didn't cover.

Seriously, though. Don't be weird. She did her makeup okay today, right? Yeah, it had to look good. She'd had time to bother with it for once without Blitzø bothering her. Keep it cool, Loona. Just casual. You want to know more about him, that's all. Then you can get on with your birthday celebration.

"Hey, hold up!" Shit, how was he walking so fast? Did he have long legs? Yes, upon looking he did have long legs, and yep, that was still a cute ass. ...Wait. Shit! Up, eyes!

There we go.

Fuck, his eyes were pretty. Like two little sapphires. Damn, she would have killed to have eyes like those when she was younger, maybe then someone would've adopted her before Blitzø–Mm, that thought brought a weird feeling around. It wasn't quite the weird warm feeling being around Naruto gave her, but it was still a feeling Loona didn't like.

"Huh? Oh, heading this way, Loona?" He asked and shit, the more he said her name the more she liked it.

Quick, act aloof and nonchalant! No, wait, you just ran to catch up with him. That'll make you look stupid. Wait, he's an idiot, try to be clever! …Okay, well, shit, how would Blitz—Nope! Fuck it, just be cool!

"Er, y-yeah." Goddammit. Do better, Loona! "I mean, yeah. Why not, uh, walk with company instead of alone?"

Ugh, so lame.

"I feel that." He nodded. Fuck, yes. Nailed it, first try. Wait…What did she nail? "Sucks to be alone on days like today."

Loona looked up at the clear red sky.

"It's…not raining?"

Wow, way to state the obvious.

"I mean, it's so nice out!" He gestured around them as his weird tail swished once behind him. He grinned as he looked at the same shithole Imp City she was slightly ashamed to live in. "It's lively, and that's so rare, even in Hell. More people should get outside on days like today. You don't even have to really do anything. Just be outside."

How in the fuck did this guy just make that slew of crap sound enjoyable?

"You…really are a people person, huh?"

"Eh, it depends on the people, really." His stupid grin turned to her, and she felt her face get warm again. Fuck, this was not helping her keep her cool. "So, what's your plan for the day?"

"Uh, well…" Loona looked around. Buy time, do not tell him it's your birthday, and— why the hell does that blightpost and missing child sign look so familiar? Wait, who is his order for? No, fuck it—Why did she care? Answer: she didn't. He had a question, right? Shit, that's right. Well, answer it, Loona! "Kind of making it up as I go."

"Ah, spontaneous adventure." He nodded in understanding. "That can be a mixed bag sometimes."

"I mean," Loona brushed her bangs out of her face. "I know I want to end the day at a bar."

"A bar?"

Hey, what just-? Whoa, wait, did his tail just accidentally swat her leg like a whip? She glanced back and, wow. That—Okay, yeah. That's just fucking cute. His tail was wriggling, not wagging. She wanted to bite it—Wait, hold on. That's weird, don't do that, Loona. Even if it seems so tempting—Focus, girl! He wanted her to confirm her plans.

"Yeah. I'm…twenty-one. Today." Oh, dammit. That just slipped out. Please don't be too young. Or, er, be preferred; she wasn't keen with those kinds of creeps. Or…Shit, was his lifespan supposed to be like hers, limited to the upper hundreds, or was he more like a higher demon with serious longevity?

Hey, that's a subject she could bring up to get his mind off of her birthday! Who doesn't like speculating about their own fucking mortality? Seriously, though, she had to find a way to bring it up, so she might as well ask—Where did he-?

Oh, he stopped walking and was staring at her. His jaw was agape — did he have a larger bite radius than her? That meant his tongue was long, right? — which seemed a bit weird to do in public. Why would he-Shit! Shit, fuck, shitty-shit-fuck-fuck! Dammit, that's right! She fucked up!

"It's your birthday?!"

"Yeah," Loona said and tried to play it off. Christ on a stick, she needed to focus on her phone! Like, right the fuck now! She tore her eyes off of the 'Foxfiend' and forced herself to stare at her phone. "It's not a big deal-"

"I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure Twenty-One is a bonafide sacred number down here! And, it's your birthday! I just, that means-!" He stopped himself and pinched his eyes shut. A deep breath and his blue eyes seemed to find hers, damn they were hypnotic. "Sorry in advance."

Sorry for wh-Whoa! He got way too fucking close way too fucking fast and he smells way too fucking good. And, shit! Yeah, lean stick of meat Naruto might be, but judging by the non-consensual (albeit very welcomed) side-arm hug he'd pulled her into, there was one-hundred percent compact muscle beneath his coat of fur. And wow was that violet smell strong this close. She could even get a whiff of the weird scent beneath it— Just before she could identify the weird almost-but-not-coconut scent that drew her to this fucking somewhat-adorable idiot, he released her.

"Sorry, uh, about the whole…that. I just-er…I, uh, I like giving my friends hugs on their birthdays...Yeah."

Well, that was a lie, but it wasn't like Loona was going to call him out on it. Especially given that, as he chuckled, with his eyes closed and he scratched his cheek, she just fucking stared at him with a burning face like she was some kind of perverted creep. To be fair, though, he had no right to be so fucking adorable after just violating her personal space like that.

When he did look at her with those too fucking blue eyes and that goddamn dopey little smile, again, Loona felt the strong wall that in the years of her life had been built firm around her insecurities threaten to melt.

"Happy Birthday, Loona."

Ah-huh, yup. Hold on...checking...checking...and...Yep.

Loona melted.

...Fuck.

AN: What's this? Emotional development? ...Disgusting.

Imma do it again.

Thanks for reading, and remember!

It's just fucking fan-fiction