AN: Read the PM I sent you.

Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.

One Knuckleheaded Glutton

A Brunch of Pride

"Happy Birthday, Loona."

Loona felt her ears burn and she stubbornly forced her gaze down to stare at her phone. This guy...He couldn't be fucking real. He just fucking couldn't. That-that hug was way too fucking sincere for a 'friend'! Who does that?! What kind of psychopath is so-so-so fucking nice to a bitch like her?! She pretended to scroll through Sinstagram and barely fucking managed to keep her tail still in her bid to keep a cool composure.

"Erm, thanks." Nice. Way to be a confident, badass, independent Hellhound, Loona. That's super attractive. She glanced up at Naruto, back down at her phone, up at his stupid smile, down to the screen, and then back at her phone again before she pushed a strand of hair out of her eye to meet his pretty eyes' gaze. "And uh, don't mention the uh..You know."

Solid body. Warm hug. Violet smell. Melt.

"Right, right." He chuckled as they started walking again.

When the Fuck did she agree to accompany him, or let him go with her? She should go…Do something else? What? Sit fucking alone at a bar until party hour? That's not just sad, it's fucking pathetic. This weird silence didn't help much, though. Ugh, why was it weird? Was it him? Her? It needed to stop, someone had to say something!

"So…" Oh, thank the ever-blazing fury of Satan, he didn't like the silence either, and he was willing to break it! "Going to celebrate by getting wasted?"

"Huh? Oh, uh…Yeah."

"Cool. Cool-cool-cool." Naruto nodded and looked back ahead of them. Still carrying his delivery order.

…Shit. Was she holding him up? Talk about a dick move. She could just go do something—Nope, even pretending to humor that thought left her with an uncomfortable cramp in her gut. And Loona always followed her gut. It hadn't steered her wrong yet…Even if it led her to getting picked up by Blitzø.

She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye and —She knew that building. Wait, where the fuck are they? A familiar complex that was overdue to be demolished appeared as they rounded a corner…Oh, no. Fuck. Shit. Goddammit.

She knew this building.

Why?! What the fuck did she do to deserve this bullshit?!

"Well, uh, I gotta go in and drop this off." Naruto held up what Loona now knew to be the Fatass', Millie and Blitzø's orders. …Huh, no shit, there were three cups. How'd the fuck did he talk them into making the Fatass' order?

"The Fatass-?" Shit, did she say that out loud? Don't let him know that wasn't intentional! "Oh, I guess you can see Moxxie's order?" He looked at the receipt on the bag and snorted, which, okay, fair assumption. "Yeah, hard to miss that, and you're right, they didn't want to make it initially. I, actually, uh…Promise not to tell?"

"I don't promise anything for nothing." Loona fought to curl her lips into a small smirk and not the scowl she wanted to make. She really didn't want to deal with the Trinity of Total Idiocy, but here she was, already walking through the lobby and getting in the goddamn elevator.

Come the fuck on, was she seriously low-key stalking this guy, now? The fuck!? Ugh, now she has to go into the office, just so she can look through the Grimoire one more time. There had to be some kind of charm he was using or some shit, she should not be this interested in a guy she met fucking twice! Even if he had pretty eyes, a nice smile, a cute ass and a nice scent!

"Okay, fair. I convinced Harper to make a regular and get the entire shift to spit in it." He started to snicker like an immature child and—Fuck her life. She snorted.

Okay, yeah, she had to give props to Naruto for the stupid little trick. Loona had never even considered fucking with the Fatass like that. She closed her eyes and tried to will away the image she thought up of his horrified disgust when he inevitably found out before it made her burst into laughter. She could not lose any more face than she already had – not that she cared what anyone in this shithole thought about her, but she had an image she liked to maintain.

"You don't have to follow me in, I'm just dropping it off with the customer." Naruto offered with a shrug as he walked the hallway to her place of employment.

"Well, maybe I want to see what a DevilDasher's prank looked like?" Loona refuted with a small smirk. He arched his brow.

"Why would I tell him that he's drinking a botched order?" He grinned and tapped his head. "The best part of a prank done right, is knowing you got away with it."

"Huh, that's...that's not the kind of answer I expected from you." Loona admitted with a blink of her eyes. That sounded a lot more malicious in the grand scheme. It almost sounded like it was designed to leave the recipient of the prank open to be pranked again. And now that she made that connection, yeah, that's probably exactly why Naruto thought that way. Fucking diabolical.

"I aim to surprise." He chuckled and stopped at the door. His brow furrowed. "Immediate Murder Professionals? ...Oh, right! They're the Imps with the catchy jingle. And since they're glorified assassins, I feel less bad about this prank. Bonus!"

Wait. He actually saw the commercial? What? Loona needed a second to wrap her mind around that fuckery. In that second, Naruto actually knocked and–Oh, fuck, Loona should've been thinking about an excuse for why she was here, considering she had the day off.

On the other hand, Fatass answered the door.

"You're three minutes and fifty-three seconds late, I paid for premium delivery and–" Fatass blinked as he noticed her. Loona arched her brow and then looked down at her Sinstagram. She wasn't here to talk to the Fatass. "Uh, I thought you got the day off?"

"You work here?" Naruto asked, glancing at her. She looked up at him, there was a light in his eye that seemed amused. Fuck those pretty eyes, making her feel all warm and shit. Loona shrugged and looked back at her Sinstagram feed.

"She's our secretary." Fuck you, too, Fatty! Shit, was Naruto judging her for her job now? Please don't be judging. She didn't need that.

"Huh, small world. Anyway," the Foxfiend looked down at the Imp and brandished the bag in his hand. "I have an order for Moxxie?"

"Mox, who is it?" Millie asked from inside the office.

"Our coffee and Loona," The Fatass said, shaking his head and looking back at Naruto. "Anyway, if you think you're getting a further tip–"

"You're Moxxie?" Naruto asked. A glance at his face showed he looked way too happy with the development, and the slight wriggle of his tail showed it too. Honestly, Loona couldn't blame him; Fatty was a prime target. He held his phone up and the Hotheads' carrier he had. "I need a picture of you and the delivery. Selfie cool?"

"Wha–?"

"Cool!" Before Moxxie could protest, Naruto shoved the delivery into his hands, then picked the Imp up and squished their faces together, all while doing a stupid idiot grin that had to be his default. "Say 'Ramen'!"

"Rah–wh–?!" A bright flash came out of the Hellphone and Moxxie was set back down to stumble back into the office. Loona snickered as he blindly tried to find her desk to set the drinks on. Beside her, Naruto was messing with his phone.

"Hm, not the worst picture I've taken, but I've been in better ones." He mused before grinning when a dying croak sounded. "Fuck yeah. Payment went through. Wait, is that really–? Hot damn, I can see why Sinners do this for a living!"

"Moxxie, did you say the coffee is here?! What the shit took that lazy motherfucker so goddamn lo–Loona?!" Oh, no. Loona closed her eyes and barely withheld a sigh as Blitzø ran over to the still open office door. He leapt up mid stride with his arms outstretched and a freaky smile on his face. "Loony! Baby girl! I knew it, you wanted to spend the day with dad–!"

There was a solid thump as the office door slammed shut before Blitzø could cross the threshold. The shadow of his face impacted the company's logo from the other side. Loona blinked and looked at Naruto, whose hand was still on the door handle. He met her gaze, looked at his hand, and then looked back up.

"What? He's a trained killer that came flying at us. Stranger-danger and all that bullshit." All right then. It was official: this Foxfiend, this Hellborn, this scrawny boy right here, Loona liked him. Unaware of his new status of 'Loona Approved!' in her head, Naruto shrugged and threw the door open again, consequently squishing Blitzø between it and the wall. The Foxfiend grinned at the other two imps. "Nice meeting you, Moxxie! I hope you enjoy the coffee, it took a bit of persuasion to get the staff to make it!"

"Aw, ya hear that, Mox?" Millie walked over to help the Fatty unpack the order, rubbing his shoulder as she did. "Loona's new fuzzy friend helped get your order! She must've told him all about your past issues with it."

Nope, Loona just didn't care if the Fatass got his drink or not. He could die in a ditch and Hell might be better off for it. Or lose weight, whichever happened first.

"Nice t' meet you folks, you do The Devil's work, y'know?" Naruto added with a grin. Well, it couldn't be said he didn't have business savvy. He shut the door again before he hissed out a "shoot, almost forgot," and threw it open once more. "Oh, and your commercial is great! If I were a Sinner, I'd hire you guys in a heartbeat! Have a good one!"

The door shut again, and Loona snorted. There was a small pool of blood leaking out from behind the door. Blitzø was going to feel that shit tomorrow for sure. Huh, maybe he'll be too banged up to bother her…On second thought, it's Blitzø, so he'll probably just bounce back in twenty? Thirty minutes tops?

"So, hey, now that I've got some pocket change, you wanna go get something to eat?" Naruto asked. Loona whipped her head to face him. Was that—Did he seriously ask her out again? Granted, Loona was a little more open to the idea this time, but holy shit, that's not just fucking unexpected, it's also kind of stupid. He must've had the same realization because he immediately went wide-eyed.

"I-I mean, it doesn't have to be a date, you know? Just, like, a brunch between friends? A birthday brunch? Or-or not! We could, we could just go...other ways...Yeah..."

Despite the heat that spread across her face, ears and some other location not best thought about at the moment, Loona could practically see the two options that were in front of her. On one hand, she could ditch the pretty-eyed, cute-assed, nice-smiling, sweet-smelling guy that didn't seem to mind being around her dour-assed bitchitude and go spend the day wandering Imp City, and maybe get a one night stand from the shitty dive bar later. On the other hand, she could stick around the aforementioned pretty-eyed, cute assed, nice smiling, sweet-smelling guy, get a free meal out of it, see if he's worth keeping around a little longer, and then maybe sleep with him after a night of drinking in the shitty dive bar.

...It was a no brainer, and if anyone thought otherwise, then their opinion was obviously shit and Loona couldn't be bothered to give a single flying fuck about it.

"Brunch is fine. You're buying."

"Oh, uh, of course! Yeah! I know just the place!" An-n-n-nd his tail was doing that stupid cute wriggling again, full on fucking distracting is what that was. Loona turned to follow him when she was grabbed by the hand and that was a strong grip. Okay. Cool, that's fine. Pulling her along? That's not so cool. Rather than the calm, cool and collected stride Loona was used to, she was hauled down the hall to the elevator like there was a fucking mob on their ass.

The only upside to this sudden sprint was her view of the Wriggling Wonder and the cute ass it was attached to.

"Whoa, chill out, dude!" Loona tugged on her arm just as they got to the elevator doors. Naruto looked back at her, at their hands, his wriggling tail stopped and he released her hand. Huh, suddenly cold. Loona didn't know her hands could feel that cold. She didn't like it.

"Sorry," the adorable idiot used his hauling hand to scratch the weird marks on his face as they waited for the elevator. "The place I'm thinking of is in Pentagram City."

"Pentagram City?" Loona blinked. She hadn't been to Pentagram City in...shit, what was it, two, three years now? Just after the... Purge? That's what they called that Angel Attack event, thing, right? What? Loona didn't care what it was called, but she knew what it fucking was. The elevator showed up and they both stepped in once the doors opened. Still, the choice in venue was questionable as fuck. "Why the fuck would we go to that shithole?"

"Well, like I said, there's a nice place to eat and its reasonably priced, for a place run by Sinners. I figure that, since it's your twenty-first birthday, you deserve to eat somewhere nice." He smiled at her and she felt that goddamn warm feeling course through her face again. She quickly looked down at her phone to help fight back the smile she knew would spread across her face.

Crap, she felt her tail twitch.

Stop. Twitch.

Stop. Twitch.

Sto-o-op.

...Twitch-twitch.

Fuck it. Fine.

Swish-swish-swish-swish-swish.

"Okay." Naruto checked the alley one more time before he put his hands together. Claws interlocked over knuckles and he pushed forward to crack them. He held both of his palms to the wall. He felt Loona's eyes on him and his ear flicked. "I just need a second to focus."

"...For?"

"I need to focus on the destination to make this work."

"Make what work?" Loona asked, leaning closer. Intrigue, excitement, wonder and smaller unnamed 'vibes' like them laced the air and all of them were very fucking distracting because of how absolutely fucking delicious they tasted.

"I need to focus, Loona." He reiterated. The 'vibes' tastes dimmed a bit as she took a step back. He shook his shoulders, shifted his feet, and exhaled. "Okay...Pentagram City."

Pentagram City, a town of Sinners...and that's pretty much it. Eons ago, the city was delegated to the fallen souls at Lucifer's order, around the same time that the first Exterminations happened. Sinners could go anywhere they wanted in the Pride Ring, but required a specific day's pass to go to any other ring. This is speculated, by those who actually gave a shit, to be because Lucifer wanted to keep the Extermination localized within his own Ring, lest the other Sins (Satan of Wrath, in particular) decide to unite against him in a fit of rebellion if Heaven's forces were essentially welcomed to run amok in their territories.

Of course, that was just speculation.

Despite his own opinions on the Head Brat In Charge, Naruto thought it was the best theory out of the bunch that existed. The one about him trying to find 'The Chosen Heir!' was a good second, though. It always made him laugh – no, focus. Focus on the city. The Clock Tower that rested in the center with an air of foreboding around it, the rancid vibes that lingered over Cannibal Town, the ick that surrounded The V's territory, the ominous dark forests of the Radio Demon.

Focus on the small diner on the cusp of the city limits, at a corner with little traffic, right in view of where the long defunct Happy Hotel sat up on its lonely hill.

Now...Open. Naruto thought, his brows scrunched together. A familiar, thick heat filled his veins and spread throughout his body before it gathered again. It pooled at his stomach and spiraled up to split at his shoulders, then split again to climb the side of his neck and hook the lines on his cheeks, while the rest trailed down either arm to center at either palm. The bright white energy emerged in front of his hands and plastered onto the wall. It took form, shone brightly, and then–Bingo.

"Whew." Naruto sighed and let his arms drop to his side. He shook his arms out of the residual tingle. "That was easier than last time. Alright, Loona, after–Uh, Loona?"

The Hellhound was staring at him, her pretty eyes were wide, her mouth shut tight, and her face looked a little red. Naruto stepped toward her and put his hand on her forehead. Nope, not caused by a fever–Oh, cool, she snapped out of it. Or, well, she was blinking, anyway.

"You...You have your own House Seal."

"I mean, it's not mine, but it is my House Seal." Naruto shrugged.

"You have your own House Seal?!" Loona asked, her voice raised and thick with the 'vibes' that were there before, along with a small hint of 'awe' and...something else? Something... tangy? Hm, that one tasted kind of familiar, but didn't. Weird.

Oh, right. The Seal. Naruto looked back to the Seal of Lzebub (formerly Beelzebub, but Bee altered it when he was added to her House; not that it made it easier for him to use) that rested behind the portal to Pentagram City's best diner. Uh-oh, there were a few Sinners getting awfully close to it.

"Yeah, I'll explain once we get to the city, so if you don't mind–Hey, whoa!" Naruto was hefted over Loona's shoulder – huh, she's shorter but strong enough to lift him up. Why did that do something for him? – and she leapt through the portal. Once they were through, the portal closed and the Seal vanished. Good, now greedy sinners couldn't try to remak–Oh, hello ground. You're a rough thing to land tail and ass first on.

Hey, now Loona's pretty red eyes had a glowing feature. Fucking neat!

"You have a House Seal!" She growled the...question? Oh, wait. The 'vibes' tasted a little sour. Ah, she was…frustrated? Maybe? …He needed a refresher course on Vibe Checks.

"We've established that, yes."

"How!?"

"Um, can we discuss this over brunch? I mean, aren't you hungry?"

Hey, that weird familiar-but-not 'vibe' just came back! What is that flavor? It's not Wrath-related, and definitely not Gluttonous, but he's fucking certain he's tasted it before.

"Yes." And, sure enough, a soft gurgle came from her toned, exposed belly. His gaze darted back up to her eyes when her grip on his shoulders flexed. An idiot he may be at times, but he knew the combination of 'vibes' that meant 'if you value your life, don't talk about what you just saw/heard'. So, he complied and let Loona keep control of this part of the conversation. "But you fucking said you'd explain."

"I'd rather not explain like this." Pinned by a hot Hellhound to the sidewalk who was getting worked up over his House? That'll make the papers for sure. He doesn't need that kind of publicity in Pride of all places. She growled and he whined a little. "C'mon, Loona, can't we just go into the diner first?"

"Yeah, like I'll fucking fall for that load of shit. First chance you get to escape answers and you'll fucking take it." Well, she wasn't wrong, he didn't like talking about how his life in the House of Bee started. Loona scowled and grabbed the collar of his shirt. Oh my, what large teeth she has—huh, was it supposed to be this warm today? Hold on, wait, did his pants just shrink or-? "How. Do you. Have a fucking House Seal of Sin?!"

Well, you know what they say, ask a stupid question.

"Because I belong to a House of Sin." Naruto deadpanned. Loona opened her mouth. Closed it. Opened it again. Then released his collar and sat back. That was right near his—Hey-oh! That feels…yep, that-that's a feeling alright! Wow, that was a really interesting sensation to feel through his jeans-Oh, fuck, wait! She's sitting on his-! Naruto felt his ears and face go red and a knot formed up in his gut. This wasn't okay, he needed to calm the fuck down. First, he needed to get the hot Hellhound off of his lap. "Loona, please get—"

"Huh? Fuck! Right, sorry." Loona asked as she popped back onto her knees before she pushed herself up, using his torso as a balance for her hand. She rounded and glared at the few homeless Sinners watching them from a corner nearby. "The fuck are you losers gawking at?!"

Now, Naruto! Act now! He rolled to put his back to the hot Hellhound that had inadvertently straddled him. A quick adjustment to get rid of any potential tenting embarrassment, and there we go! Now it just looks like he has a tube of salami in his right pocket, totally natural, right? …Probably best to stay on her left side so she doesn't see it. This was a birthday meal, after all, not a date.

Back on his feet, Naruto dusted himself off and gave Loona a weak smile while she glared at him. Yep, typical. This is what happened whenever demons found out he didn't introduce himself with all eight kajillion titles associated with his (sister's) House. They always thought he was up to something. Which, fair, he could fall into a year of pranking random demons if he got pent up, but for the most part, it was a stereotypical assumption.

"Well?" Loona asked as she crossed her arms. …Oh, was this the part where he was supposed to monologue or grovel for her forgiveness? Hate to break it to you, birthday girl, but that wasn't happening.

"Well, what?" He asked, putting his hands in his pockets.

"You said you'd explain."

"I did." He was a demon of his word. Had to be with the life he has. That and part of him never grew out of that 'promise' thing he died with—Boy, did that part of him piss Bee off something fierce sometimes. A recent fight came to mind, and he shunted the thought aside. He kept a level stare with the pretty-eyed Hellhound. "I also said I'd buy you lunch. So?"

He gestured at the corner diner across the way. Mounted above the door were the words "South Gate" in fine cursive neon lights. It certainly got attention, even if the giant 'G' kept flickering.

"That's the diner you were thinking of?" Loona frowned. Again, a fair reaction. The area wasn't exactly the pristine shithole it was when Pride first got going.

"To really appreciate it, you have to look underneath the underneath." Naruto explained with a smirk. He started walking across the street and, within a beat, Loona did the same. He held the door open for her, because he wasn't rude…well, not all the time. She huffed a breath and stepped in, and he followed suit. It wasn't hopping, not that it ever really did anymore, but a few regulars he recognized were at the counter. Stepping up beside Loona, on her left, he cupped a hand around his mouth. "Yo! I heard there's a goddamn prick here that knows how to make an actual fucking salad!"

"Foxy!" "Fuck-face!" "Glaarf-fursgd!" Three of the Sinners at the counter turned to greet him. Two of the three were more humanoid than the last, one a male with a spider-like appearance and the other a girl with holes in the horns that sprouted out of her head. The last was an amalgamation of two individuals in one body, mouths and eyes mashed together in a way that prevented coherent speech from happening. The female Sinner slammed her fist into the counter twice.

"Hey, Lardass, your favorite customer is here!"

"I heard the bell, Yu." A massive behemoth of a demon stepped out from the back kitchen with a towel in his three-fingered hands. There were no appropriate words for his appearance other than 'generic large demon', in that order. The Sinner nodded to Naruto, then eyed Loona. "What's this, a custom request or customer?"

"Fuck you, Bo. This is Loona—Fuck off!" Naruto snapped at the two coherent Sinners as they jeered at him. He growled and pointed at the monstrosity as it gurgled and jerked. "And I don't want to hear anything out of either of your shit boxes, Assholes."

"You heard him, Nunchucks." Bo warned the conglomerate, who clacked out something rude, judging by the way Bo's eyes narrowed. "Talk to me like that again and I will rip you apart and put you back together as part of my dishwasher, you fucks!"

"…This is a diner?" Loona muttered as she glanced at him. Naruto shrugged, a slight wince on his face, and she looked back down at her Hellphone with a huff. "Seen worse places, I guess."

"Bitch, no you haven't." Yu snorted. Loona looked up with a snarl and the holy-horned Sinner blew her a kiss. And two seconds before Naruto could possibly enjoy the image that exchange constructed, Bo dropped one of his meaty fists onto Yu's head.

"Don't scare my customers off, you goddamn whore!"

"Well fuck me for fucking helping you! Maybe you should fucking shut your shit-box, do some fucking business and seat the fuckers, you stupid fat fuck!"

"Would it kill you to use a word other than 'Fuck' once in your miserable afterlife?!"

"Fuck you!"

"Hey, Foxy, there's a table open out of sound damage range." The spider-demon gestured to the spot in question, the palps beside his head caught a stray rotted noodle that almost fell out of his mouth. Gross, but understandable; Noodles were sacred.

"Thanks, Kidō." Naruto nodded and nudged Loona forward from where she stood recording the shouting match between the diner's cook and the regular. Once they sat down, two menus flew through the air towards them and a white bone knife impaled both to the table.

"Fucking-! This is your opinion of nice?" Loona hissed at him while her phone clattered to the table. Naruto glared out of the corner of his eye at the source, another chef who's attention was focused on the grill, before he grinned back at her.

"Hey, I told you that you have to look underneath the underneath." He pulled the knife out and slipped it into his pocket — What? Free knife, don't judge. — before he opened his copy up to find something good. "Oh hey, there's a special on Radio-deer chops! We may want to split that—"

The menu was yanked from his hands and pretty red eyes glowered at him.

"…Or I could talk about my House Seal." Naruto amended with a small laugh.

"That." Loona's pretty red eyes did their cool glowing thing again. She crossed her arms and sat back in her seat, a faint growl ruminating from her person. "Anytime you're ready."

"What's to explain? I'm a lucky bastard that was picked up by a Sin a while back."

"How long back and which Sin?"

"Look, isn't today your birthday? Don't you want to do something other than grill some guy you just met?" He asked somewhat hopefully. Loona looked up at the ceiling for a second before her narrowed eyes fell on him again.

"No."

Because why the fuck would anything go Naruto's way right now? Ugh, he was too sober for this shit. He glanced at Bo over his shoulder, whistled sharply, and held up two fingers once he locked eyes with the Sinner. The giant Sinner nodded and slammed Yu's face into the counter before he dipped into the back.

That done, Naruto looked back at Loona. She kept glaring at him and-alright, the subsonic growl was getting annoying. He was understanding of it to a point.

"Fuck," he groused and rubbed his eyes with a hand. "Loona, look, I don't like digging around my past, alright? You want me to dig around yours-?"

"I told you mine." She snarled.

"You told me you grew up in an orphanage that basically dropped the ball on Hellhound Society 101." He refuted, a brow arched and a claw pointed in her direction. She shifted in her seat and the growl mercifully stopped. Naruto nodded. "Yeah, I don't need details if you don't want to give 'em. I just ask for the same fucking courtesy, alright?"

"What's so fucking wrong with telling me what House of Sin you're with?" Loona frowned.

"You work for a group of assassins that can inexplicably go to Earth." Naruto deadpanned. That really should explain it all. When she didn't budge on the manner, he tilted his head. "And that tall one, Balto—"

"His name is Blitzø, the 'o' is silent." Loona interjected. He gave her a flat stare that she held for a second before she glared at the table. She took a deep breath and her shoulders sagged. "Fuck, fine. I'll back off."

"I thank you for the sacrifice." Naruto smirked and looked up when a slab of rock floated over with two Beelzejuices set on it. He grabbed the bottles, popped the tops off, and set one in front of Loona. "Here, drink."

"Wow, that's only shady as fuck."

"Piss off then, I'll drink it." Naruto shrugged. Loona growled and snatched a Beelzejuice bottle out of his claws. That's more how he thought she'd react. He toasted the remaining bottle to her. "Happy Twenty-First Birthday, Loona."

"Yeah, fucking thanks or whatever."

They both poured their drinks back and mid-guzzle their eyes locked. Naruto could taste fire alongside the sweet mead-like brew. Then, her pretty red eyes narrowed and her lips curled up into a smirk and she started to gulp the high-proof drink.

Oh, it was so fucking on! Naruto chugged his Beelzejuice and in less than a minute, the bottles were drained and slammed to the table.

"Bo! Two more! And keep 'em coming!" Naruto barked, his eyes locked with Loona's, and their toothy smiles grinned at one another. The corner of his vision had him spotting a white blur swish about behind her and he could feel his own tail start to wriggle wildly. The 'vibes' tasted really fucking good right now, but there was a spicy tang that reminded Naruto of that goddamn, over-spiced fucking curry, and he associated that 'vibe' with one thing and one thing only.

A challenge.

More Beelzejuice was brought over to the table and Loona grabbed her own this time. Still holding his gaze, she bit the fucking cap off, then chewed it into a bow, before she spat it out and started chugging. Okay, that tears it. Hot or not, this girl was going to fucking regret challenging a bonafide Glutton to a drinking contest!

That's a fucking promise, y'know!

Millie had a bowl of kernels in her lap and occasionally fed one to her husband; they'd been listening to their boss' rant since he woke up from when Loona's new friend dropped off their coffee orders. That was six hours ago, and four of it was Blitz in 'frantic intel-seeking mode' that was usually reserved for his nights with Lord Stolas. Luckily, there were only thirty minutes left of the work-day, to which the married duo silently and mutually agreed to listen to their boss rant to run out the clock.

"And then she got so angry after I sang happy birthday–I-I just don't understand what went wrong!" Blitz complained as he paced I.M.P.'s office, his two subordinates watching from the couch. "She said she liked the cake when we had it for that stupid bitch that offed herself! Why the shit wouldn't I think she'd like to eat it again?!"

"Oh, who could say, sir? It isn't like a three week old cake doesn't stay edible." Moxxie deadpanned. Millie giggled beside him and handed a kernel over that he morosely chewed on. He'd been in a sour mood ever since he got his coffee. He claimed something about it was off, but he drank the whole thing regardless.

"Exactly!" Blitz threw his arms up. He stomped over to the mural of security camera stills that had red circles around the head of Loona's new friend. His arms crossed. "But she'd rather spend her birthday with this-this-this...fucking furry fetish-boi, than spend the day with me, her own father!"

"Didn't you adopt her?" Millie asked, smirking. Blitz turned to glare at her over his shoulder.

"Family is more than blood!"

"...I can't believe I'm saying this, but you're right, sir." Moxxie sighed. Whoa, hold on. Moxxie was agreeing with Blitz?! That was Millie's job! ...Maybe there really was something wrong with his coffee earlier. Her sexy little hubby hopped up from the couch. "So, what would you like us to do about it?"

"I want to know where this fucker sleeps at night so I can fuck him before he even tries to fuck her." Blitz' odd obsession with sex-based revenge was always a little fright-ousing to hear. Maybe Millie would be the top tonight, Moxxie had his turn for the past three days. Before any further discussion about sex or preemptive revenge sex could take place, a man's wail came from Blitz' ass.

"That's Loony-Toony's text scream!" Blitz frantically pulled his Hellphone out, in his rush it was thrown across the room and he shrieked. "No! What if she needs help?! She might have to hide his body after he tried to force himself on her! I never got to body disposal lessons with her!"

"Sir, just read the message." Moxxie sighed into his hand while Millie giggled at their boss' overactive imagination. Daddy was the same way whenever she or Sally Mae brought a boy around the farm.

"Oh, why the fuck didn't I think of that–I can't! It's a fucking picture, shithead!" Blitz hissed, holding his phone out to them. In the picture was, obviously, Loona with some ruffled fur and her eyes looked a little unfocused. Furthermore, resting on her chest – which, Millie could tell thanks to her keen feminine eyesight, was still clad in her preferred crop top – was her fuzzy new friend, totally out cold.

A man's wail emerged from the phone and Blitz quickly turned it around. His eyes went wide and he started to clench his hand around the phone so hard it began to crack. Millie shared a look with Moxxie and they nodded. They had to save their boss' phone and see that new message.

"Sir, we can't afford another phone incident. So, may I-? Thank you." With a few tugs, Moxxie plucked the phone from Blitz grasp. He and Millie guffawed at the message that had followed the image.

(Can I keep him?)

"I want... his head!" Blitz shrieked. He drew his flintlock and ran for the door. "Daddy's coming baby girl!"

"Mil, can you, uh?"

"Oh, fine. Only for you, babe." Millie kissed her man's cheek before she leapt at their boss and tackled him to the ground. "Whoo-ee! Got me a wild one!"

"Millie get the fuck off of me! I will use your bitch husband as a fucking condom and destroy your womb! Don't test me, my Loony's innocence is on the line!"

"Blitz, yer 'baby girl' is a twenty-one year old Hellhound you got from an orphanage when she was seventeen. The chances of her having her virginity intact are slim-to-fuckin'-none."

"Get the fuck off of me before I fuck you and fire you!" Blitz snarled as he tried to get out from under Millie. She pulled his arm out from underneath him and locked it behind his shoulder. He was slammed face first into the floor. "Fuck! Moxxie, control your bitch!"

"Sir, respectfully, fuck you. Furthermore, Millie's right. Loona is...an adult. She may have some misadventures you don't know about nor want to."

"Grr, I have her papers that say otherwise and I've seen the proof!"

Millie and Moxxie exchanged concerned looks with one another.

"What?" They asked. Blitz huffed and glared at them.

"I check!" His free hand dug around in his pocket and a copy of 'Gynoscopy for Beginners' was pulled out. "She has a nightcap that I lace with various drugs whenever I can. Last night, I used some horse tranquilizers I found in her room."

"...That's messed up, Blitz/Sir."

AN: Alright, so, let's be clear here: Blitzø is a very, very flawed character. Do I see him as an overbearing father without an inkling of boundaries? Hell yes. In canon, I bet he didn't start to respect Loona until their big explosion on Spring Break.

That said, is he as bad as this fan-work portrays him as? No, not even slightly.

Also, is Naruto a total fucking lightweight when faced against the might that is the magically adept Loona? Guess so!

Remember kids, this is fucking Fan-Fiction.