AN: I don't count not posting during the site being down as breaking a streak. Do you? ...I thought not.
Thank you MEDIUM for the help.
Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.
One Knuckleheaded Glutton
The One With The Fallen
Wind spiraled. Birds chirped.
"Sasuke!" "Naruto!"
Collision.
Light blinded.
He washed up onto the bank, coughed out globs of water and blood. His head hurt so much. What-?
Something rubbed against his leg.
A body. Blond. Tanned. Whiskered. There's a hole in his chest.
It came back to him in a rush. They were…Fighting. He wanted-needed to leave. To get stronger. Stronger than him.
The corpse...disagreed. They rarely saw eye-to-eye to begin with. It was an idiot with a loud mouth, and a stubborn drive. Power like nothing he'd seen before rested beneath the surface of the fool, a feeling so vile it made him sick on principle.
Rain fell.
Realization.
He won.
No more arguments over lunch or which food was better.
He won.
No more bickering or childish pranks.
He won.
No more put downs or surprises.
He won.
No more promises to be broken or threats exchanged.
The idiot lost...for the last time.
Because he won.
It was…Cold. He rested for a moment. Let it sink in what he'd done — he'd done it before, but never a fri…fellow leaf nin — just to be stronger than him. It was worth it.
It had to be worth it.
The ground shifted. A giant plant sprouted and pushed himself up. It split to reveal a monochromatic man. One eye narrowed as half its face grinned.
"What the fuck did you DO?!"
Pain followed.
Endless.
Constant.
He begged for death at one point.
Denied.
Cried for his mother.
Denied.
His father.
Denied.
His brother.
He came. Then so too did Kakashi-sensei. The fight that ensued was…mythical. The ground reshaped. The sky roared.
The idiot's corpse was lost in the Chaos.
His brother was dead.
His sensei was dead.
Sakura was dead.
The lady that became Hokage was dead.
Orochimaru was dead–Wait, no.
Orochimaru came back, from his shoulder, then was dead again.
Everyone was dead..But not him.
He was not the victor, either.
The Wicked Tongue claimed that role. With the body of his brother's corpse, it taunted him with the tale of how it manipulated the clan, manipulated his village, and manipulated his ancestors. Until the body withered away and died for good. It latched onto him. Torment lasted instances and lifespans. When the End came, he was relieved. He was free. Free of the chains of hatred, free of the shackles of guilt, and free of the despair knowledge brought him.
Blissful, silent peace.
Then it wasn't.
"No. You are not free." Bright, otherworldly, unmeasurable, benevolent and stern. It - He? They? Yes? - was absolute authority and unthinkable kindness. "I am YHWH. Your sins are too great for your afterlife, but you wish to repent, so there is hope. Repent then, child. Join my choir, and repent."
If only he wasn't such a rebellious soul, maybe he wouldn't have been so quick to throw his lot in with Lucifer.
Three days had passed since the shit show that was the Demon Deal she had with her ex. Two and a half days passed since she last got to enjoy the presence of her newest (albeit temporary) member of security. She spent all of one day in lockup, the rest was spent cashing bribes and rewriting memories. Let the record show that there was no fish mutated by spilt Beelzejuice into a monster, it was just a shark. The party goers were just really, really stupid and drunk. Given most of the attendees were high schoolers or college students, the story was bought by human masses without issue.
All in all, it was a tiring past three days, and not at all enjoyable. Verosika groaned in relief as she walked into her office from the elevator. Her newly obtained parking space — A Fluffy Elephant convinced the Imp with access to the spaces to give it up to her — was about ten feet further than she really wanted to walk. She took the iced tea that Milky handed out to her along with the offered kiss. She gulped down the drink and collapsed in a chair just past the door; the sooner she moved directly into this shithole, the better.
"Fuckin' a, that's exactly what I needed." She sighed once the cup was drained. She looked over her crew, and arched a brow. Most if not all of her dicks were missing. "Are Josh and Ace still in lockup?"
"No, they got out last night." Kiki said, going over some legal documents. "They put in for time off up top. Josh said about seeing The City."
"That sly little twink fucker." Verosika huffed around a smirk. She knew Josh and Ace were closer to each other despite being proud members of the Pan Pals club, and knew they were dating on the side, but if Josh pulled to get time away after the clusterfuck that her old label called her 'Spring Broken Tour', it was probably going to get more serious than that. "Where's our sexy beef shields?"
"Got called to Bee's." Coco sighed as she cuddled with Apple at their desk. "Guess the fuzzy freelancer went back to her other job with your ex; saw her and the little snack come in this morning-"
"And?" Verosika sat up straighter. Anything she could learn about the girlfriend that was clam-jamming her quest for the Virgin Demon Dick was good intel. "Were their clothes ruffled? Was the little bitch glowing?"
"No and no. Heavy liplock outside of the elevator though." Apple sighed and opened her phone when it vibrated. She sat up with wide eyes. "Um, V? What are the chances we'll absolutely need Bee's little brother the rest of this week?"
"Given how swamped we are with legal fees from Ozzie's legal crew, probably not much; well not outside of morale requirements." She admitted and nibbled her lip, thinking about the fuzzily firm delight that was the Virgin Demon's ass. A foreboding shiver suddenly went down her spine. "Why?"
"Because Tex is on his way back and he says that the foxy boy isn't coming."
"…Oh, fuck you, Bee…" Verosika groaned. That was part of the whole fucking reason she even got out of bed today! She slumped in her seat when her phone moaned. Sure enough, same text from Tex. Another moan followed by an unknown number had her perk up.
(Hey, it's Naruto. Bee gave me the number. Again, sorry about the kicking thing. Something came up at home, might be out for a bit. Vore-Tex has details.)
(That's fine, and don't sweat it. Sorry I came on too strong. Hope everything's okay!)
Verosika sent her text back, grinning as she saved the contact information. She just got the little hunk's number and didn't even have to work for it. That would make seducing him a whole lot easier.
"Girls?" The Succubi looked up at her question. "Who here wants to help me seduce a fox?"
"You know we all want to help with that." Kiki smirked. She leaned forward on a propped up fist. "What's your plan this time? Jump him in a car?"
"I was thinking some text flirts, rile him up with a few spicy 'modeling pics'." She grinned as her crew tittered. "Maybe send him a Cooch pic or two."
"That sounds so fucking fun! Does this mean a shopping trip?" Apple beamed.
"Sure, why not." She could always write it off as a business expense.
"Oh, and the look on that bitch's face when she got busted! Ah, I wish I had a photo to show you, Loony. You'd love it!"
"Uh-huh, sure, Blitzø." Loona drawled as she turned the page in her magazine.
It'd been three days since she got snagged by some shady Spooks for putting some douche human in his place. The Imps had no clue she'd even gone missing which was a blessing all on its own. Mostly because Blitzø's blissful ignorance was a grace she hadn't truly appreciated until after it turned out she had minor vertigo from those damn sound attacks; she played that off like a bad hangover.
Ironically, that was before Loona knew that the Fatty got himself shitfaced and fought against some giant mutant fish that attacked the concert. Millie retold that story — despite being confused about being asked for it, due to the clone disguised as Loona that was present — and obviously exaggerated Fatty's role in it, since he kept getting sick whenever it was brought up—whether or not he had alcohol poisoning wasn't Loona's concern.
When pressed for details about the mutant fish attack, her boyfriend admitted he blocked clone memories out when they were 'delivered' in clusters - she didn't fully understand what that meant, but she got the gist. The fact he was cuddling with her during her checkup with Mayday's on-site Sloth Medical Emergency Gynecologist might have helped him save his own cute ass from the proverbial doghouse for that little tidbit.
Right now, she was ignoring Blitzø's borderline oral masturbation over his win over his famous ex and flipping through an older issue of Howlers. Specifically, she was rereading sections of relationship advice and experiences the rich and famous had to offer. What? It wasn't like she was going to fucking ask Blitzø about relationships. Why? Three fucking good reasons: A), he didn't tell her anything worthwhile about his own damn past, i.e., dating Verosika "Wants To Fuck Her Boyfriend" Mayday; B), his own track record that she did know about was so fucked up it was horrifying; and C), he didn't even want to entertain the idea that Loona might be fucking happier —maybe even damn near more tolerant of his shit — in a relationship.
Let the record show that she was both of those things currently, even if their relationship was new and kind of secret to everyone on her side of things (coughBlitzøcough).
Sure, it was only two days since she confirmed they were official to the doofus, but it wasn't like Naruto had assumed as such. Fuck, if anything he'd seemed totally surprised by it, like he expected Loona to bail on him or some shit. For the life of her, she couldn't figure out why. He wasn't smothering her with 'alpha Neanderthal' presence or bombing her phone thirsty shit - unlike a certain Royal Prince that had a quid pro quo with her adoptive father; Loona knew way too much about the fucking Goetia Prince - he didn't demand things of her that were fucking unreasonable, and he rarely bothered her with his stupidity. Weird ass supposed ninja backstory aside, he was pretty upfront with what he wanted..for the most part. The fucking scents he let off that her nose picked up were starting to get under her skin. That was without the bouts of heat she'd get whenever they Booped... or kissed... or cuddled.
Don't even get her started on the Heavy Petting sessions. They've only had two, the first that led to the confirmation of their relationship and one just the day before while Blitzø was on a coffee run – apparently, he got sidetracked or something – and she was so frustrated she eventually joined her boyfriend where he was lazing about while his 'client' was dealing with the legal issues that'd been accrued up top. He was especially doting during that session...Anyway, Hellhound's had a lot of drawbacks and weaknesses compared to other Hellborn, but there was no way in Here that she would ever want to give up her boyfriend's Heavy Petting method. His claws managed to catch her in all the right places.
I need to find some of his spots before he has my fucking body mapped out–Hello, what? Loona thought, arching a brow as she came across about an actual instance of near oral-asphyxiation in the small letter called 'Snapped My Collar'.
'...picked me up and turned me over...'
'...he excavated every ounce of lubricant from my sopping cunt…'
Her ears started to burn and claws lightly traced over her own collar as her imagination ran wild.
'...had to stop for air several times, my jaw started to ache…'
She'd felt her boyfriend's 'excitement' before, even if neither of them ever brought it up, and it was...Woof. It would definitely be able to snap her collar.
'...so hot and tasted like the rawest form of him…'
Would Naruto's taste like violets or that sweet almost-coconut flavor? ...Did she just lick her chops? Did Blitzø notice? The married morons? Would she be able to sneak off to the bathroom and rub one out during her break? These were the important questions running through her mind.
The office phone's ring startled her from her increasingly not safe for work thoughts. A quick scan of the room showed her that the married morons and the idiot that adopted her were now in the midst of an argument about...fish? Whatever. She rolled her eyes as she tucked her magazine into the desk and then answered the phone.
"The fuck d'you want?"
"Is this – Both of you shut the fuck up, I'm on the phone! – Is this the Immediate Murder Professionals?" A bassy snarl asked, after shouting at two faint voices.
"You managed to fucking dial the number. Grats." Loona drawled. She pulled her phone out to check her Voxtagram. "Did you need someone dead?"
"I actually wanted to speak with a ...Loona Buckzo?" ("Fuck kind of lame ass name is 'Buckzo'?" "Can't be worse than our last name, bro." "We don't have a last name, dipshit." "My fucking point, dude.") "What part of 'on the phone' do you two morons fucking need spelled out?" the Bassy Stranger snarled at the two strangers. "Ahem...May I speak with her?"
This guy wanted to speak with her? Why?
"...Did you want someone dead?" She asked, again, eyes narrowed.
"...Given the sound of your voice, and the growl in it, I take it this is her?"
"I'm going to fucking hang up now. Find some other assassins."
"Before you do, can you describe the Humans that abducted you on...fuck, where's the calendar? On Monday?"
Loona felt her heart stop for a half-second before she snarled. Her hackles rose as she glared at what she imagined the unseen speaker to look like. Some fugly pug or similar, probably. Maybe a Fallen Watcher?
"...Who the fuck are you?"
"Unimportant."
"I very much fucking disagree with that load of horse shit!" Loona barked. The sound attracted Blitzø's attention. He gasped and charged at her, diving for the phone. She pulled it out of the way, she was handling this fucking creep herself! When he reached for it again, she snapped at him.
"Loony, no! Bad Loona! Don't yell at customers!"
"It's a fucking solicitor!" She snarled at him.
"Oh...As you were, baby! So proud of you."
She rolled her eyes and growled at him when he managed to sneak a hug on her. After she shoved him off, she picked up on the background voices.
("Oh, another fucking 'free spirit'. Guess you called that one, Russ; he's grown into the fetish." "Dude, can we not talk about 'Lil Brudda that way? Makes me feel not kosher." "Do you even know what that means?" "Duh." "That's not a fucking answer.")
"Why the fuck do you two insist on talking?" Bass Bitch growled. "Look, Buckzo–"
"Don't you fucking surname me, motherfucker!"
"...Apologies. Loona, I work on behalf of the greater...let's call it 'good' for Hell."
"But you can't fucking tell me your name?"
("She's got you there, Bro." "Russ, shut the fuck up.")
She made note of that name. Russ. Sounded familiar.
"Both of you, shut the fuck up – Loona, I do my best work out of the public eye, and your phone is very compromised due to a certain...bird."
"God. Fucking. Dammit." Loona growled into her claws before she glared at her adopted father, who was poorly trying to eavesdrop. She snarled at him and swiped, causing him to retreat back to his office once more, before she turned her attention back to the call. "Look, I'm not telling you fucking anything. I don't actually give a flying fuck who you are or what you fucking want! Do not fucking call here again if you don't have any fucking business."
"What if I needed to get a hold of Naruto?"
He could be talking about anyone, Loona tried to convince herself. Her claws dug into her desk and her lips curled higher on her muzzle. "Who the fuck is-?"
"Oh yes. You know exactly who I'm talking about."
It's a bluff, it's a bluff, it's a fucking bluff!
"What if either Lzebub had a bounty to be cashed and I offered you an in? What if the hierarchy of Hell needed to be shaken up by knocking them down a few pegs? What if I was going to publish a saucy story about the family and offered to buy you off for support? What if this was a mortician asking if you were next of kin? Would you give a flying fuck, then?"
"I…" Loona's ears went flat again and her tail curled at her leg. That was–She didn't have words to say. "Wha...Who the fuck are y–?"
"Cut the shit, pup. We know you and the Runt are sniffing around each other's tails."
This fucker–they had–How? Just fucking how? Was this some fucked up kind of Royal Guard? A secret service employed to protect Sins and members of their houses? Loona felt her ears flatten against her head and her knees shook. The fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck?! Fire burned through her veins the more his questions cycled. Who gave a flying shit?!
"I'll ask again–"
"Save it, motherfucker! Don't fucking ever call here again and for the record, I don't owe you jack shit!" Loona slammed the phone down. She growled and snarled and huffed, glaring at the phone and daring it to–She picked it up before the first ring finished. "I said–!"
"Congrats. You pass."
The call ended with a click. Loona glared at the phone and slammed down the receiver again. Shaky claws dug into her desk and she sought out her pack of Sly Bunny smokes.
"So, uh...who was–?" Fatty started to ask as he, Millie and Blitzø poked their heads out of the last's office.
"I'm going on my fucking break." Loona growled at the Imps, finding her cigarettes and grabbing her phone. She stormed to the door and stopped. She took a quick breath and then stared at the door. "Bli...Ugh...Dad, I'm taking a half day. Might not be home later."
"Okay, Loony"
"SIR!"
At least manipulating the little bastard was a little easier. If she'd known calling him dad would make him putty, she may have started doing so earli– Yeah, no, fuck that. Given that she'd actually lightened up since she was adopted, that wasn't happening. She ignored the new argument she caused and stormed out of the office building, with a cigarette in her mouth. She pulled her lighter out and lit the cigarette the second she got outside. Once it was lit, she sat down on the sidewalk across from Blitzø's I.M.P. van and pulled her phone out.
Loona took a drag of her cigarette as a contact was speed-dialed. Two rings went by before it was picked up...by the Sin of Gluttony.
"Loona! Hey, cutie~! How's it goi–I will bite you, don't test me, Baby Bro!"
"Bee, what the shit?! Give me back my fucking phone!"
"You can have it back in a fuckin' second!" Bee-Lzebub snapped with a deep snarl before she went bubbly again. "How's it going, Pretty Pup?"
"Hi, Bee." Loona sighed tiredly, smoke clouding around her. She'd seen the posts the Queen Bee made with her boyfriend's picture of Loona in her human disguise eating Funnel Cake. Apparently, with that photographic evidence, she'd become the Sin of Gluttony's new favorite person, which...cool? Maybe ten years ago, she'd be more excited about it. Five years ago she might have died from bisexual bliss. Now? It was just kind of...tiring. Especially since the one she wanted to speak to was the one she stole the phone from.
"You sound stressed, you alright?"
"I...Can I talk to Naruto?" She let her tail curl around her feet and hugged her knees while she pinched her phone between her head and her shoulder. She took another drag and shuddered a sigh. "Please?"
"...What the fuck did you do–?"
"I don't know, and I won't know until you give me my fucking phone back!" There was a growl from the Sin before a jostle on the receiver told her that it had been given back."Rotting Zombie Christ, Bee, stop taking my shit, you klepto–Ow...What's up, Loona?"
"Nothing, just...Got wigged out." She adjusted her phone and hugged her legs tighter. She inhaled another drag and then pushed the palm of her hand to her head. "Ugh...It's fucking stupid."
"You're calling me about it. Doesn't sound stupid. – I'm working on it, Bee! Back the fuck off!" He growled in a hushed voice. It never ceases to amaze Loona how he got away with giving the Sin of Gluttony lip. His pretty sexy — but not her favorite — growl tapered out as he focused on the call again. "What happened?" he lowered his voice."Did you have another nightmare?"
Ugh. Fuck. The Nightmares. She had fucking nightmares from the Humans' weak excuse of 'torturing' her. She hadn't had actual fucking nightmares since she was a literal pup in the goddamn orphanage. This trauma was such horseshit. The last time it happened, Naruto popped over to hold her through the night and then popped out just as Blitzø knocked on her door. Major upside to having a Duke for a boyfriend; he had a House Seal that traversed Rings with ease and could get her wherever or join her wherever she wanted like that.
Downside, she couldn't exploit it as much as she wanted to because of her fucking stationary job.
"No, thank fuck." She growled and stuck her cigarette in her mouth to move her phone. "I just–Some fucking creep called I.M.P. asking about what happened."
"...At the beach?"
"To me."
"Did you...tell anyone what happened to you?" There was a hiss and Naruto growled. "Ask her yourself–No, not now!"
"Other than you and the S.M.E.G.? No." Loona tapped her foot on the hot blacktop and shifted where she sat. "Naruto...Fuck, he...he fucking knew we're dating."
The line went quiet and something muffled the other end. Her fur bristled and her spine tingled as she heard a very faint version of her favorite sound her boyfriend was capable of.
"You get a name?" He sounded so fucking serious. Loona wouldn't lie, she was a little touched and her baser instincts felt better – safer – from the sound of his voice. That was a fucking male that was ready to kill at her behest. Em-fucking-powering.
"No." Wait, not true. "Wait, shit, I mean, yes? It wasn't the asshole's name, but someone talking in the background."
"And?"
"It sounded like 'Russ'? And then the creep kept telling him and someone else to shut up."
"...That lousy, meddling motherfucker!" There was a crash and angry honking. Huh, she wasn't expecting him to get so upset that he broke something. An angry Bee cried out "Party Foul!" which was followed by hushed bickering before Naruto spoke again. "Loona–fuck, Loona I'm sorry. That's my fault. Shit, I'm so sorry. That was the asshole I asked to help me get you – Goddammit, I should've fucking known he'd pull something like this after all the bullshit questions he asked me. Fucking bastard."
"Do I need to be worried?" Loona frowned.
"No, I'll get it sorted out. I just– Fuck... I'm sorry he did that to you." Her boyfriend sounded pissed. It was wrong that Loona was kind of aroused from it being on her behalf, right? ...Right, she thought so, too.
"It's not like you knew he would." She pointed out. Her eyes narrowed. "Did you?
"No! Fuck no. Believe me, Loona, I do not like scaring people like that. That's not...I'm a prankster at heart, not a fucking psychopath, y'know."
"I know." She felt her lips pull into a small smile. He'd told her what his and Bee's plans for the day were after the Sin asked him to come home and help her. She watched the tip of her tail wag, despite its place wrapped around her legs. She shifted again; her skin itches and the hot Prideful air felt a little cold. Ugh, she really wanted him with her, right now. Don't sound desperate, don't sound desperate—"You aren't going to be gone long today, right?"
Dammit, Loona, you had one job.
"...Do you need me? I can be there in–Bee, you've handled this for centuries without me, y'know! ...Well, maybe if you try to interact with people outside of your fucking parties–Wh–Get off! God Fucking Dammit! Give me back–Arugh!"
"Shush up, Baby Bro, I'm on the phone – Hey, Pretty Pup! You wanna come see how the best House of G's handle our duties?"
Well, Loona would be lying if she said no. What Sins do, outside of their infamous glamorous lifestyles, parties and pursuits, was kept under tight lock and key. Not to mention she'd be able to get the hug she wants to deny she wants, the Boop she openly wants. ...Maybe even the 'Heavy Petting' she secretly wants...She could get another collar somewhere, right?
"Don't fucking pressure her into–!"
"I'm not pressuring her into jack shit, Baby Bro. Besides, maybe with her here, I can drag you to all of the locations on the list: even the one in Lust." Bee was cackling at the growl Naruto let out. Loona just wanted the heat that spread throughout her to go away. "Ah, c'mon, Pretty Pup, it's a gas! You'll love this! Say yes!"
"Uh...I mean, fucking, sure, I g–?"
"Done deal! Don't move, Pretty Pup, I've got a lock on you."
"...What?"
"And for my next bitchin' trick... ta-dah! One Pretty Pup for the bristling Baby Bro." The Queen Bee grinned as she used some special magic to pluck her new favorite Pretty Pup off of the sidewalk outside of her workspace and dropped her into her Baby Bro's lap. Both kiddoes yelped, even as her Baby Bro quickly adjusted himself to cushion the Pretty Pup's fall, and Bee hung her brother's phone up before she tossed it at him. It bounced off of his snout and she laughed at his snarl.
Served him right for breaking her limo's window.
"Fucking–Ow, Bee! Fucking ow!" He growled at her before he adjusted the Pretty Pup in his lap. He scented her – not a Vibe Check, so not a Party Foul; also stupid cute and Bee loved their Vibes – and pulled her close. "You alright, Loona?"
"Y-Yeah, fuck!" She yelped again and flicked a half-gone butt of a cigarette off of her tail. Bee didn't even follow it with her eyes and hit it with a small scoop of honey to douse it. Her Baby Bro's Pretty Pup's ears folded. "Shit. Sorry, Bee."
"Pfft, not the first fire this party bus had to put out, so it's whatever. Now then!" Bee clapped her four hands together and grinned at the two. "Which of you wants to tell me what the actual fuck that call was all about?"
"...You play dirty, Bee." Baby Bro glared at her before he rubbed his snoot and nodded. "Ow..Respect."
"Watch the nose." Pretty Pup grumbled as she took Baby Bro's face and uh..what's with the—Oh. Oh, wow! Fuckin WOW! Unholy shit! That was at least one of her small gathering's worth of Good Vibes! And all they fucking did was touch nose tips?! Bee needed to try that with Tex— Ugh, her teeth were going to fucking rot and fall out, Baby Bro was purring! Guh, this was so fucking cute! The denizens of Hell needed to be told! She needed to brag!
She'd just have to get answers afterwards.
One free hand — one not holding her head up as she cooed so loud it went to a higher, nearly imperceivable pitch — pulled her Hellphone out and snapped a picture. Then it and her other free hands posted it on Sins-ugh, Voxtagram. Bee needed to pay that ego-inflated screen-face a fucking visit some day. Messing with her followers was one thing, messing with her expansive source of social media? That just pissed her off on principle.
The Hellphone vibrated. Golden and red eyes glanced at it—another post on Sinstawhayever by Bee. He didn't care. He was busy.
"One more twist…Yes…Yes! It's perfect! It's vile! It's-it's brilliant!" He turned and brandished the marvelous creation to the rest of his recently developed hobby. "It is..done! The Quackster Mark Five, able to speak and write in not just duck, but eight hundred and seventy three dialects of knowable language! With this, I will make them rue the day-!"
"Your Dą matre quacked souls ė Squeakems!" The duck said, before it exploded. The King of Hell, Daemonic Prince of Pride, Lucifer Morningstar pursed his lips at his third prototype failure this month. He glared at the remnants of the duck and let it be eradicated.
"Okay, so, what went wrong there? Maybe I need to reduce the amount of non-Hellish speak?" He mused before he shook his head. "No, no, I didn't put too much in, the Duck just couldn't handle it. That's why it fucking left in a blaze of failure. Yeah, obviously. …Maybe I should make a duck for Charlie? ..Does she even like ducks? ..Of course she does! She's my little girl, and she loves Razzle and Dazzle and I made them perfectly for her!"
"With help."
"Who dares intrude upon my fucking Doma—?" Lucifer whirled around, staff in hand and brandished to strike. His eyes blazed and then fizzled out. "Oh, it's just you."
"Morningstar." The black-winged intruder bowed at the waist. He righted himself and the wings closed around him, folding into a black three-piece suit that would be expected of a wealthy individual such as, for coincidental example, a Circus Director. His almost feathered black hair was slicked back, reminiscent of a bird of prey, such as the ironically named Bald Eagle. His eyes were gold and red, like Morningstar's, but within the red were small dancing kaleidoscopes that shifted as he scanned the room. Once his eyes met Lucifer's again, he nodded. "I like what you've done with the place. Very ..independent.."
"Don't patronize me, Raguel." Lucifer spat the name of his 'brother' in disgust. The glare he got for using the 'dead name' was nothing short of vitriolic. He lowered his staff and spun it between his never idle fingers. "The fuck do you want?"
"There is a member among your subjects I wish to meet."
"Look, I don't have anything against gay men, but I don't fuck with 'em, you know?" Lucifer shrugged. "You're asking the wrong Sin for help fulfilling your Lustful desires-"
Oh, hey he just saw Dad. And, did it feel like he was back up high? What…oh this was one of those fucking illusions again! Lucifer snapped out his wings and the day of his Fall melted away. He glared with every eye at the perpetrator that made him see it again, and was met with a flat stare.
"Yes, a dick joke that also mocked my sexuality. Ha-ha. Funny." 'Raguel' crossed his arms. "Will you grant me an audience with this soul or not?"
"The fuck should I do that Fo—?"
"How is little Charlie?"
"You dare?!" Lucifer sneered and allowed himself to shift into his true form. He rose up with his flaming crown fully unveiled and flew into impassive eyes. "Don't you ever say her name again, you fucking charity case!"
"Why? It's just a name. What am I to call her when we meet?"
"Never fucking happening!"
"I cannot meet my 'niece'? Is that just me specifically, or have all of our siblings been granted this treatment?"
"You were never a sibling of mine!" Lucifer snarled, his Staff of Hell brandished at the Fallen across from him. The other angel arched an unimpressed brow. "First to Fall, my glorious golden ass! The only reason Lilith and I got punished so fucking 'leniently' is because you fucking ratted us out before we could even really get started!"
"For the last time, Morningstar, I did not betray you. He already knew what you were planning. He knew you would make a play for His throne, since the dawn of your inception."
"Ten thousand years and you still spew that shit at me?!"
"Because it is the Truth." He leaned forward, crimson kaleidoscope eyes spun slowly in their sockets. "And as we both know very well; the Truth hurts."
Lucifer snarled and roared before he recomposed himself. His manor and domain could only handle his true fury for brief instances. He dropped his cane in front of him and glared hateful red eyes at the taller Fallen.
"I refuse your request, dear brother." He bared his sharp teeth in a wicked grin. "Get the fuck out of my kingdom. And whatever fucking Sinner you want to meet? Fucking forget about it. Never fucking happening. I will find this soul and eradicate it from Hell before I allow you to fucking meet them."
"Very well...I wished to do this in an amicable way, but without Lilith's temperament, I can see you'll continue to be a child about this."
"Oh, yeah, I'm a child." Lucifer sneered. As if bringing up his and Lilith's temporary separation wasn't the epitome of being fucking childishly petty. "Fuck you, Sass Gay."
"My name is Sasuke."
"Whatever, Sass-Ou-kay. Just fucking leave."
"Very well." Sasuke Uchiha allowed two of his wings to spread once more and flew into the ceiling – into a portal in the ceiling. Lucifer glared up at it until it was gone, and even for some time after. He kept glaring at it before his phone vibrated and he whirled on it.
"What the fuck does she keep posting ab–?!" Lucifer shut his mouth with a click as he looked at the Voxtagram – he had to fucking gut Mammon for selling the one fucking app they all had a stake in – post. His right eye twitched as he saw several messages she'd tried to DM him with. "She's mocking me. There's no way that walking, barking, little rugrat has a cuter relationship than my CharChar."
QueenBeeYotch Behold! The hottest new power couple, my adorable Baby Bro and his cute Pretty Pup!
A picture displayed the little mongrel that Lucifer tolerated on the worst of days and maybe found amusing on the best cuddling with an admittedly cute little Hellhound and their noses pressed together. He didn't expect the kid to go for that, given that succubi were a thing that existed. Although, he didn't either since he had Lil–Wow, over three million views and it's only been three minutes? Some of these sinners needed lives...Might as well see what everyone had to say about the post. His eyes bulged at the top, starred comment.
"Wh– Charlie, what the fuck?!"
MagneStarChild666 YES! THIS THE OTP! AHHH! I'M SO HAPPY!
Hotel_Magnement Charlie, stop squealing. I can hear you from the first floor. You're supposed to be fixing the bathroom in 223!
"Who the fuck is–...Hotel_Magnement? ...I don't get it." He frowned. Couldn't admit that, though. Might as well see the other responses.
LordeofLust Fuck, that is so disgusting! I need them to come to my club so I can educate them on proper Public Displays of Lust. QueenBeeYotch make a detour!
"Way to be subtle, dumbass." Lucifer snorted and plopped a squat on an apple-themed chair. The Sin of Lust was absolute shit at managing the difference between Love and Lust. Admittedly, the Sinmas card with his cyborg partner was cute, but that's the only praise Lucifer would give it.
ShreddedSatan …(squints) …(stares) ...Smash.
"Satan, just, what the fuck does that even mean?" He would never understand his right hand muscle's sheer weirdness.
WhomstBelleTolls So that's what the charge to your House account went to. Speaking of, when's the next time you'll be in for a check-up, QueenBeeYotch? Did that yeast issue get resolved with my powder mix?
"...Gonna ignore that." Lucifer deadpanned. The implications of that were too horrifying for him to think about.
GreedIzGuuud –This post violates terms and services. A strike has been added to the account–
"Fucking, getted!" He smirked. He had that added specifically to VoxTek's terms and services to fuck with Mammon after one too many comments on Lilith's vacation.
BeingJealous ...Are they kissing? This angle sucks. He's such a weirdo, kissing a fucking hellhound...
"...Yeah, okay, I should've expected that from Levi." Lucifer hummed and entered the comments. If the rest of the Sins had commented, and his daughter had commented, he needed to comment. Not just that, he needed to say something that was absolutely perfect. Something that would have the rest of Hell in awe of his wit, suave communication skills and his overall demonic charm. His eyes widened and he grinned. "This is perfect!"
666ProudFallenKing Tell me when they want to tie the knot, I'll bring the camera.
AN: YAAAY! I found a work around!
I don't have anything funny to say here.
No, wait!
Wait!
WAAAAAIT!
YES!
I shat myself.
Remember, it's just fucking Fan-Fiction.