Chapter 53: Am I the Support He Needs?

"You really do want to turn away from everything..."

Being forced to hear all of the reasoning Shinji made in all his derision for his life up to now, Misato came to understand why he was so hesitant to face anyone. All hope she had of seeing him brought back into her life was rewarded with nothing but absolute indifference for their child and even herself. All her attempts to make him be with her again were rewarded with complete denial.

Shinobu cursed the state of his father by asking, "Why did we help him? He would have been happier stuck in that thing."

Misato embraced Shinobu while looking to Shinji in a desperate hope to see him correct himself. She could not even see his face as he looked down. She wanted to believe there were possibilities for him but feared what she might have already known long ago. Life was too difficult and demanding for him to continue living into such a dire setting that refused to make his life any easier.

"Well?"

Misato's attention was snapped as soon as she heard her son ask that simple word. She was reduced to the same state of desperation he was wanting to hear some sort of approval from the one she gave her love to. She was stuck in this state, and she did not have an immediate answer that would put her son's mind at ease.

Desperate to keep the silence from hanging, Misato answered, "He needed to be saved. It wasn't right for him to be stuck in that thing forever. Having him with us is supposed to make everything work out."

Shinobu curled his face holding back tears before asking, "What were you supposed to be any good for then?"

The sight of her son cursed with the confusion she herself was trying to overcome made Misato realize what a grievous error she made. She placed so much faith in someone she believed was ready to take on any daunting task no matter how horrifying the prospect might have been. Even in the setting of an apocalypse, the prospect of living for another human being was still a challenge.

Misato immediately concluded this was the error she allowed herself to fall into. Her son needed her in a time when humanity was threatened with the prospect of extinction by the last remaining Angel. Remaining at his side and providing the support he needed growing up should have been all it took to make sure he would have a reason to live before finally finding a reward that would make his life going forward worth the hardships.

She allowed herself to be the pillar her son needed to lean on for support only to discover that she allowed herself to be built on a fragile foundation. The prospect of finding her son's father and bringing him back to this world should have been all it took to revitalize hope for a future when all seemed lost. Her resolve to finally overcome such a daunting task only proved what great challenges she still did not overcome herself.

Misato saw her son hang his head in defeat before steeling herself to summarize the answer for her greatest failures, "I wanted to believe filling a void would only require me to be there. Now I realize… I'm just a void myself…"

Tears fell from Shinobu's face the moment he heard this about her before asking, "But a void isn't supposed to give life… Is he right? Should I have never been born? Am I really nothing to anyone?"

Being in the depths of despair everyone else was in at the moment made Misato struggle to find any resolve to such a daunting problem. All of the errors she neglected to resolve herself were now front and center forcing her to consider what she had done wrong. She had no chance of freeing others from their own depths of despair if she continued to remain the void she deemed herself to be.

All hope she had of being the voice of reason in a time where there seemed to be no light made Misato answer, "We're supposed to be whatever we want to be. Then again… We have to listen to what everyone else has to say about their perceptions of us…"

"What do you mean? Why can't you be the one I want? I wanted you to do this!"

Even with their ages reversed, Misato found herself pleading to Shinji. He was successful in capturing such a significant moment between the two of them together but was still recording the exchange they had with the camera. There might not have been anyone who was willing to listen to the sort of exchange they had now, but the memory they made together was indeed being kept between themselves.

The question was heavy and had much for him to think about but Shinji answered, "Because this is what you are. And I'm only what you wanted me to be."

The explanation was simple but it said much about him and her. Misato immediately connected with what sort of desire she had within her. Instead of finding it with someone she knew however, she tried to hope it was within a fantasy of her own making. On some level she knew this was what she saw in Kaji as well.

All of it came down to a specific choice that he made so long ago. No matter what choice he made, little if anything was what he might have chosen of his own free will. The beginning of his life was always determined in some way beyond his control but that demand was haunting him all the way into whatever fantasy he could muster.

Misato tried to determine what sort of choice Shinji had on his mind now as she asked, "And you don't want to try being what I want?"

Shinji felt himself shaken by Misato's question. Everything that came before gave him a sense of control, whatever idea of free will he once had, was lost as soon as he was suggested that alternative. He had every reason to concern himself with Misato's wellbeing but realized what sort of reality he was asked to consider. How such a choice might not have been one he was making of his own free will.

He revealed the thoughts that haunted him by telling her, "You're asking me to deny the me that makes me who I am. That's all trying to remain in this reality does. It leaves me without the self."

Misato struggled to comprehend what sort of conclusion Shinji was coming to as she reminded, "I thought you cared about others. I really thought you wanted to be with them."

It was a harsh reminder of what brought him to this moment but Shinji denied Misato's observation, "I can't care about others if I don't have a self to give. That's what I've been this whole time. Hollow."

Hearing him describe his state of existence made Misato resort to the one appeal she believed could bring Shinji back to her, "Even if you were, you're the one I wanted. I really wanted to believe you were changing all along."

Her words were sincere but it was what made Shinji loathe what he was now. Misato continued to press what she wanted out of him despite him revealing how empty he saw himself. All that kept him from being able to easily sever himself from her was her apparent hold on some hope that she saw possible. It may have been just one reason she tied to make him a very different version of the individual he once was. It was a perfect case of selfishness blending with the fear he placed upon himself ever since he reached out to her.

He tried to make her see reason. "That's you again. Trying to make me based on what you wanted me to be."

Misato felt herself saddened by the declaration of what he was but remained committed to her desire for him by reminding him, "You were the one who tried to form what I came up with."

Shinji stood up looking down at himself agreeing, "And that is why I'm here now. Something changed entirely. Not the me I was before. Just the projection of someone else rather than the self I used to be."

It seemed like the wrong thing to accuse but Misato could see why Shinji did not see the sincerity behind her claim. She struggled to even decide if she was honest with herself. If she desired the boy she knew or if she only wanted him to become an idealized version.

Shaken and struggling to even find a way to say anything else, Misato found herself revealing the ultimate confession of what brought them both to this point, "I let myself think you would change the further this went. I held onto the hope you would be who I wanted."

He did not hope for the chance to talk down to her but Shinji agreed with this adding, "You thought I could become Kaji. We were both at fault for being so weak the night he died."

"You feel like it's my fault that I did this to you."

"That's why you are what you are now. And me... I'm... I'm not even... real..."

Misato saw Shinji stand up to put his pants back on as soon as he came to this conclusion. He made his way over to the camera to shut it off before taking it under his arm and making his way to the door. Such a sight left Misato desperate to find a way to keep him from leaving even with his mom and already set.

She found the words necessary to hold him back as she asked, "And after what you did to me? You still want to just abandon me?"

There was a world Shinji knew Misato would be welcomed into as he answered, "You'll be accepted back. I won't be. I'll just be seen as the monster I become."

"How do you think everyone is going to see me?"

"You're able to find your way back into this life. It's easy for you to let me go."

She stood up at this assurance before pleading, "But Shinji... I can't live like this..."

He was still ready to leave Misato behind but Shinji found himself hesitant to make his way through the door as he reasoned, "You did it for so long without me. I was never meant to be there for you."

Misato was fully capable of accepting what sort of reality she was living but still confused what sort of individual she was herself. One moment she seemed to be the child who never actually grew up as she was accused of being. The next made her see the distant future of what her recent actions would force her to deal with. With or without Shinji.

She could tell this was the case as she saw her mother continue to hold Shinji in front of her. There did not seem to be anyone who was forcing her decision but Ikuko still intended to make her daughter comprehend what she was meant for. Her sorrow only remained as it seemed Misato had no intention to reconsider what sort of life she was preparing for herself.

Ikuko revealed this fear she had by asking, "Do you think you will ever be a mother if you can't begin to take care of a child?"

Misato found the idea of standing against her mother to be even more intimidating as soon as she heard that. There was refusing in favor of what she wanted and then there was denying her future. What kind of woman would society perceive her as if she did not reach out to the most fragile individual anyone could imagine?

This concern weighed itself on Misato as she answered, "I never wanted to be a mom. I can't do it now, I can't do it when I'm older."

Ikuko revealed a correction that shook Misato harder than ever, "You're just trying to find ways to run away. You just haven't accepted your place. That's why you are what you are now."

It was a haunting thing for Misato to comprehend. She was hearing from her own mother about the confusion she was being assaulted with and still had no idea how she was supposed to make sense of anything herself. The idea threatened to shake her to her knees as she struggled to even comprehend if she was one version of herself or the other.

The sorrow she felt at the evaluation made her ask, "Why mom? What did I do to become like this?"

Misato could not tell if she was still hearing her mother but still heard someone answer, "There was little anyone could have done. The entire world doesn't revolve around you and does not care for what you fear."

Her mother's attempt to explain the situation caused Misato's eyes to water before bringing her hand to her face as she told her, "I tried not to do anything bad. I want to make up for whatever I did wrong."

Hearing the sorrow from Misato's voice grow made Ikuko hesitate to say anything else before giving the only honest assurance she could give, "You did nothing wrong, Misato. You're only being asked to make your first significant choice in life. There will be many more after this one."

"What will it change? Will I ever make up for what happened?"

"The only thing you can change about everything around you is by how you chose to live. That can all begin by taking hold of another life."

It was here Misato could fully comprehend the intentions of her mother. She was trying as hard as she could to make her daughter see what waited for her in such a confusing world that she could only begin to question the sensibility of. There was nothing but sincerity behind what she told her, yet she could not make herself willing to appreciate what she had to face.

In front of her was still Shinji Ikari, a baby that had little comprehension of what life was or what he was born into. Her mother held on to him waiting for the moment she would accept him into her life. Against all odds she was being asked to care for someone who had even less understanding of their existence than she had right now.

Misato found herself using this analogy while looking down at herself, "I can't care for him. He needs a mother. I'm not one."

"I want you to be one Misato. Be there for him. Be the one he needs in his life."

This attempt to appeal to her daughter made Misato fall to her knees before she felt her mind spiral as she cursed, "I can't be... I'm not here for him... He can't even say what he is... I'm doing nothing... but taking..."

The feeling of depression was persistent throughout the whole day Misato was in her classroom. Forcing herself to work after such a sudden tragic accident seemed counterproductive but she managed to keep herself from making a show in front of her class. How long she would be able to hold back such grief was something she could not begin to answer.

In the midst of all the sorrow she was enduring she did find one thing that broke the monotony of her reviewing. A small slip of paper was among the stack of notes she had her class take. It caught her off guard at first but upon reading found herself with a brief moment of levity against her sorrow.

'I'm sorry for what happened Mrs. Katsuragi. I know you had a good husband and I know you miss him. I wish I could do more for you.' - Shinji Ikari

"Oh Shinji..."

Misato found herself tearing at the sight of what she read. Opening one of the drawers to her desk she found the other message he had for her not so long ago. A birthday wish for her from a quiz she gave him and the rest of the class.

It was upon seeing her reminder that she found herself wondering if she would have preferred not to hear anything instead. The first act of kindness was innocent enough but she was now being offered comfort for a more serious situation. One she knew Shinji could not have been prepared to handle or make sense of himself. The two of them were so far apart she could never imagine them actually meeting face to face with one another in a serious matter.

Misato found herself detesting herself even more as she found herself suggesting that idea through her mind. She knew her place and she knew the limit of what sort of relationship she should have with any of her students. Even on a sorrowful day such as this one, she was not going to receive any empathy for approaching Shinji any closer than she should. If anything she would be looked at with absolute contempt if she even mentioned such an idea around anyone.

She realized she would have a test to keep herself from revealing any of this as she heard a knock on her classroom door. Misato stood up and made her way over before seeing who was calling for her. Satsuki was in front of her but Aoi and Kaede were not far behind.

Satsuki greeted by asking, "Are you doing well Misato?"

Trying to keep her composure, Misato ran a hand over her face before answering, "About as good as it can get. Thanks for caring."

Kaede spoke up next to recommend, "I understand it must be difficult. You should at least try to appeal for some time off if you feel any worse."

There were good intentions behind the idea but Misato shook her head reminding, "And just mope in my house all day? I'll never get back to facing the kids again if I do that."

Aoi tried to keep her from committing too much by warning, "You will face the risk of being a poor example to the children if you do not alleviate yourself any time soon."

Satsuki announced the intention of the gathering as she told Misato, "That's why we thought about heading to the best bar in town tonight. Just tell us everything and we'll be there for you."

The idea appealed to Misato as she picked up her papers and accepted, "That's always a temporary solution."

She found out that not everyone was in agreement however as Aoi warned, "She might end up with a serious hangover that will affect her work tomorrow."

Satsuki was undeterred by the idea as she assured, "That's what I'll be there for. To make sure she doesn't drink the whole establishment's supply."

Misato found herself agreeing with the idea, "You're joking and that sounds like a good idea right now."

It should have served as a sign she was joking with the idea but Aoi denied the opportunity by warning, "There is going to be a time where you will be asked to face your sorrow Misato. If not today, some time in the future. You won't be able to move on if you don't prepare to face it."

Misato made her way through the door while denying, "Yeah sure I will. You're not my mom, I don't need to work for your approval or anything."

Before she could make her way out the door she felt Satsuki tug on her shoulder warning, "We're here to make you work this out Misato. You aren't going to just suddenly get over it after tonight."

All of the empathy her friends had for her seemed to become meaningless as Misato tried to accept what she heard. She could not tell if it was a boiling point that had been passed at some point or if she was just not capable of keeping a secret. Either way she found she would not be keeping herself bound to her sorrow for much longer.

She could not outright say it, but Misato left the three surprised with her opening statement, "You'd be surprised. I'd say I already am."

Kaede brought a hand to her mouth as she gasped before asking, "You mean you were in a loveless marriage the whole time?"

It was at this point Misato realized she never did try to make sense of what her life was supposed to mean now that Kaji was gone. She was not even certain if she even really did manage to rekindle what they once had between them. The idea made sense as she considered how she was willing to seek the company if someone else. To say nothing of what sort of person he was.

Before Misato could force herself towards the exit, she gathered her thoughts to reason, "I guess I just thought I could reconnect with Kaji somehow. Really, he was the best pick I had when I was in college back in the day. And I just kept on hoping one day I'd start feeling the same thing again."

Aoi made her way up to Misato before placing a hand on her shoulder and suggested, "It really does sound like you never had a stable chance with him after all. As soon as you feel yourself again, there's still other men out there."

Misato crossed her arms at the idea but remained standing away from Aoi. The truth of what she wanted to pursue was threatening to come out entirely but she knew it could never be seen as anything acceptable. Even more serious was the warning of what she would end up doing if she continued to hold back her own idea. Let alone how everyone would react.

She hoped she was making the first step to establishing her solitude by suggesting, "Yeah well, maybe I'm not interested."

Kaede reminded Misato how serious such a development could become by assuring, "You are allowed to take as much time as you want. You just don't have to throw yourself out there right away."

Misato could not tell if she was feeling daring or if she was desperate to get the others to leave her but revealed more of her situation by asking, "Or how about this? Somebody who has been flirting with me already?"

Kaede felt as though a haunting reality was finally making itself known as she probed further into what little information she and her friends had by asking, "Really? Even when you got married?"

Misato looked back at the desk she worked at before recalling, "Well he knew to keep his distance after that happened but... Well he's back at it now."

Aoi raised an eyebrow at the recollection pointing out, "I don't think I've seen anyone flirting with you Misato."

Misato brought a hand to her hair as a desperate attempt to keep her concern at edge before revealing, "Yeah. He's not exactly willing to show it in public. But he really means it. He thinks he is keeping it between us."

Satsuki shook her head before revealing her skepticism, "I've seen all the passes the other faculty make with you Misato. If you were even a little interested you would have let that secret slip out at some point."

"Maybe it's not the faculty then."

It was at this point that Kaede used this single hint to demand, "Misato. Just tell me. Are you thinking of one of the students?"

Misato realized what sort of corner she had backed herself into. She never thought anyone would have assumed she would consider something that went against societal norms but she now understood how serious Kaede was.

Trying to avoid any more scrutiny, Misato dismissed the idea by accusing, "You're the one who's assuming that."

Aoi kept her frustration at bay, warning, "It's a yes or no question, Misato. If you can't give an affirmative answer, that's going to make everyone worry about you."

Having no one else to see any of them watching them became the deciding factor that made Misato feel the courage she needed to counter, "Why? Just because I chose to live the way I wanted to?"

After the building temper found its first release, Misato realized too late what she was saying. Refusing to simply answer Aoi's question left her open to outright giving a complete confession. She would not only have to hear this from just Aoi either.

Kaede made this clear by stepping forward and telling her, "Because you're doing something absolutely reprehensible, that's why."

Deciding there was no way for her to dig her way out of this situation, Misato stepped back defending herself, "I've stayed as far away as I could and I haven't even laid a finger on him. It's not that big of a deal."

This dismissal made Kaede join the argument, warning, "I'll tell you why it is. You're making yourself a total monster all for what? Because you like someone who hasn't even experienced life yet? It makes you look like a control freak and that's putting it nicely."

The newfound support she had from Kaede made Aoi add, "You're putting your idealized version of him onto him. This is the real world Misato, you aren't going to get what you want because you wish for it."

It was a repeating accusation she found herself dealing with. Misato already considered the potential risk of having such a relationship with Shinji but hearing it from someone else only cemented her fear. A fear she could only comprehend facing by lashing out against anything that questioned what she was doing. Even if it meant severing herself from those she valued as friends at some point.

Misato took hold of this idea by telling Aoi, "You say that like I still care at this point. Maybe you'll be a better pick for the bar keeper."

Satsuki was next to throw herself into the controversy by asking, "And what about you Misato? You think throwing yourself out of society is going to get you anywhere? You think you'll even be able to work as a janitor the way you're going?"

Misato finally lost her temper at all the questions as she stomped off asking, "If I mean so little to you then why don't you just cut me off already?!"

Satsuki tried to reach for Misato's shoulder, but she stormed off before she could reach her. Without a call for her to stop, Misato hoped she would free herself of the judgment she was facing but was stopped as soon as she made her way to the exit. She pushed against the doors but realized she could not open them.

The doors being barred off made no sense initially but Misato turned away to make for another door. She would not find herself exiting the building but she knew it would separate her from the women who were judging her. Where she ended up next was not a place she imagined was in the school building.

Misato found herself on a filming set but with nine other individuals gazing at a raised set of walls. The placement of the room and the presence of the individuals caught her attention but Misato found herself shaken at realizing who she was seeing. Rei Ayanami turned to see her enter along with the other eight versions of her.

It was a haunting sight to see at first but Misato already knew what caused this sight to happen. It was knowledge from her world but not the one she was in. She felt as though there were two versions of herself but in that instant felt like they had been pressed together to form her.

Misato did not have a chance to reflect on this however as one of the Rei clones greeted, "We have wondered if you would appear."

It was a greeting that left her uneasy but Misato tried to comprehend where she was by asking, "You thought I was going to be here?"

Another Rei sitting in front of a sound board answered, "Your connection to the one known as Shinji is difficult to comprehend."

She knew there was no hiding what she had done at this point as Misato demanded, "That's putting it lightly. Where is he?"

A Rei observing one of the corners of the walls answered, "He is here. He is not ready for you however."

Turning to the Rei in the distance, Misato made her way over asking, "Ready for what? What is he doing?"

The Rei left observing the corner answered, "He has his uncertainty to face just as you do."

Hearing even just a figment of what sort of person Rei was made Misato uneasy as she was faced with another accusation. Just when she thought she made her commitment to decide, she found herself being stopped by a poor reconstruction of what she considered Rei to be. With several more bearing witness as well.

She forced herself to remain committed to her original plan by pointing out, "That doesn't sound like a reason to keep him away from me."

Another Rei entered the conversation by explaining, "You were together. Many times. Rejection and acceptance alike."

Misato could not decide if she was being intimidated more by the idea of communicating with multiple clones of Rei or if it was the reminder of how she tried to find Shinji but remained committed to her desire and raising her voice to demand, "I had to ask if I would cut off everyone I didn't care about before! I decided that already! I need to be with Shinji!"

The Rei that made her way up to her was not moved by the voice change as she reasoned, "How much he values you will determine what you will be for one another."

This explanation became a reminder that loomed over Misato's conscience. She placed full confidence in the idea that Shinji was more than prepared to dedicate himself to her after such a trying period. Much to her misfortune she was left to discover that he was somehow still being held back from seeing her. From both the obstacles in front of him and his hesitation.

She tried to reason they both overcame this challenge "But he... decided..."

Another version of Rei made her way up to Misato correcting, "He did go to you. But that is the choice you made, not his."

This answer left Misato confused as she shook her head before remembering, "I don't understand. He could have just let me go."

She could not decide if it was scarier to hear an observation about this premise or if Rei continued to give a haunting observation but Misato received an answer that she wanted to deny, "It is the choice you made to come here. He has not chosen to come to you."

It seems like an absolute paradox for Misato to comprehend. The one night where she almost aborted her baby, she had Shinji at her door begging to take him back. This memory was firm in her mind and she could not imagine anyone challenging it.

The reason for Shinji's return was one that made Misato second guess what really made him come back. She wanted to believe it was for her own good but never considered what the final determining factor was. She had simply been so willing to accept his return that she would not even question the circumstances.

She hoped she would finally get to ask him this face to face as by asking, "When will I get to see him?"

True to her nature as ever before, Rei answered, "When he is ready."

Hearing such a blunt answer left Misato shaken as she proclaimed, "I came here for that. I should be able to find him here."

Misato lost track of which Rei was speaking to her as she was told, "He is waiting for you out there right now. You will not find him here."

Turning to the Rei that spoke to her, Misato asked, "And why not? Just because we both haven't made up our minds already we can't face each other?"

Rei looked up to her explaining, "It is a quandary he faces that you cannot comprehend."

She hated having to admit this might have been the case but Misato knew there was a reason she would not be able to find Shinji here. The idea of breaking down what was keeping this reality stable was appealing but found herself questioning the idea. Discovering his fate in any of the other realities would be equally dependent on her own choices as much as it was his own.

Looking to the door she came in from, Misato realized what this Rei was referring to. She had stepped out of the reality she was meant to be in as soon as she began her search for Shinji. Reflecting on what caused this to happen however made her determine it was more a statement of her desperation rather than the strength of the bond she had with him.

Misato finally comprehended what was keeping her from seeing him, "Because there are others who have to be here... for him to face."

Misato brought a hand to her chest as she realized a key factor to everything she was witnessing before she asked, "Because I don't have any of my own. Because I'm nothing without him. That's what I let myself become, isn't it?"

Rei remained neutral to such an assumption dismissing, "That is an evaluation you have made yourself. No one here is capable of determining that assessment."

Misato knew the truth behind making herself step back into the school building she was tasked with participating in as she remembered, "And out there, I already have 3 people who came to that decision."

"There are many more out there."

It was neither an uplifting idea nor a harrowing reminder. It was only a fact Rei was able to remind Misato of as she faced the door in front of her. She had not yet even fully committed to forcing herself back into the life she came from and she knew there would be an infinite world of judgment waiting for her if she stepped back out.

It was not a fear she was experiencing, it was a fact she had endured many times over. There were times where she managed to convince herself that she was fine with all the stigma that came with what she was doing but found herself at odds with what actually played out. She never came around to deciding if it was the life she actually wanted for herself or not. If she had not come to make that decision, how could she have expected Shinji to make that decision already?

Hopeful to at least have an idea of why her current self was separated from him, Misato continued facing the door but asked, "Can I at least know what's keeping him? Why he doesn't want to see me right now?"

Misato knew she would not receive any reassurance at this point but still felt a chill make its way up her spine as Rei answered, "He is faced with the decision that we all must make. The choice of our reality."

A/N: Just as planned, a Misato focused chapter. If it's anything assuring, I do have plans for the next chapter or so to wrap up everything and then into the ending.

Not sure if you caught it but the quiz that had the happy birthday wish for Misato is another Easter egg to another fic. Specifically to Aquari Lynnel's "A for Effort," story. Might contradict the setting of that fic a little but I like to break it down similar to what happened in the canon story of how despite having broken up they eventually got back together but only for a brief while. It helps she was described as 28 years old in that fic too so maybe Shinji was 13 at the time.