Chapter 54: Was Our Resolve Already Built?

Being shown all these outcomes and trying to contemplate them across his ideal girl was an experience he still could not comprehend being necessary. He knew he had come to his own decision about what he wanted. At least he thought it was the case.

Shinji tried to give the ultimate reason why he could not permit himself to be where he was before as he determined, "If I stay behind, I'll be stuck. I'll be living in a complete illusion. That can't be the type of life I want."

His ideal girl continued to be unmoved by his desperation correcting, "The concept of truth and happiness are not mutually exclusive Shinji."

This gave Shinji little assurance before he countered, "But they aren't one and the same."

He believed his ideal girl could not have another argument but found her making the most mystifying answer he heard yet, "They are not the same concept. Yet they are as well. Both integral foundations to living a life that is worth praising."

Shinji was just as baffled by this idea as he was by many his ideal girl presented before as he resorted to reasoning, "A life can't be worth living if I just run away from what I need to be. There can't be any other sort of life I should want."

His ideal girl was not convinced this was Shinji's final decision. "Is this a judgment you believe in? Not as a reason to escape where you are now? You have no way of knowing if you will achieve happiness if you pursue that discovery."

It hurt to hear but Shinji knew he could not guarantee he would be better off no matter how much he tried to rationalize it. Trying to find any way he could accept where he came from however was not a factor he could ignore. Repetition and commitment were all he could think of that would make him feel even a little sure of what he considered. Facing the possibility of returning to what almost sent him into complete despair seemed to be the last decision he should have been making.

He revealed just how unwilling to face the potential of returning by answering, "I have to be able to go there. I'll never find happiness or the meaning to all of this if I stay there."

Disappointment weighed itself on him as he heard his ideal girl warn, "There are just as many possibilities of you being lost if you cut yourself away as well. You will never achieve what you are looking for if you cut yourself off only for the sake of it."

He continued to find himself amazed his ideal girl was willing to allude to all of this allusion of what potential he was living through. She was willing to tell him about such high concepts that would command his attention while remaining certain of one thing he did not even want to consider. His fear for what he had already gone through was still strong to this moment. Even in comprehending the peculiar language that was described to him by Kaworu made him imagine being sent through more agony than he could imagine.

Shinji recalled the one thing his ideal girl was certain of before asking, "Because this is supposed to end with me going back to my reality isn't it? Can't you please tell me if there is some way I can break away from this?"

"You already have."

This statement sent every thought Shinji had about cutting himself away from his current life in disarray. The concept that this life was not only set on the path to delusion and despair as he was fearing made him contemplate everything that brought him here. He even wondered if he was still speaking to the one who was the most ideal in his life.

He finally voiced his confusion at the notion by asking, "What?"

His ideal girl was pleased to see this caught his attention. "Every choice you have made laid out a sequence of paths you did not take. This is true of anyone who lives."

"Maybe I did make choices at some point. But I'm not any closer to finding out if I'm finding the truth or happiness or whatever I'm supposed to find."

"That is not a choice you are conditioned to make. Because you have already found it."

Shinji was even more confused now than he was before. He could not imagine looking back on his life up to now and thinking there was anything that would make him find the meaning he gave his life. The notion that one point was enough to make him determine this life was worth his existence kept him from imagining he was hearing any sense of truth.

He pressed on with his confusion at the idea by asking, "What's even supposed to keep me from it? How am I supposed to be bound to where I'm going?"

"Because you have already made that choice."

Shinji shook his head before attempting to correct, "I've never made that myself."

"Because you chose not to, there is also a self that did."

This idea came off as even more confusing than Shinji ever thought possible. His ideal girl continued to allude to some greater truth that he was not witnessing. He could not even accept the idea that he made some important choice long ago that made his life change for the better.

He held on to what sense of reason he still had by denying, "That can't be either side of me if I never made that choice."

His denial was struck down by his ideal girl as she presented him with another key part of what she was proposing, "The choices you did make are what brought you here. Where you come from helped form your decisions as did your will to thrive in the life you have."

Fear had begun to creep into his heart at hearing this but he still found himself struggling to even keep his line of thought straight before asking, "Is that supposed to mean... everything is predetermined? That I don't have any real choices of my own to make?"

There was a brief pause before his ideal girl recognized what he would need to hear to comprehend his situation by assuring, "It is fully understandable that you might not comprehend it. But the will you have gives way to the choices you do make in the reality you come from."

Shinji slammed his hands to both sides, cursing, "What good is this reality supposed to even be?"

Spreading her hands to both sides, his ideal girl proposed, "Consider the tree. Like the one we are upon now."

Despite knowing the train car he was sitting on right now, Shinji tried to reassure himself of his perception by asking, "We're on one?"

This question did little to deter his ideal girl from her description before continuing, "The tree of life as you would deem it. The tree itself is the living embodiment of truth. Borne from a multitude of many smaller ones."

Shinji thought he was about to be subject to a great release of information he would have to take in but found himself grasping what his ideal girl was saying. "The tree isn't just a single object."

His ideal girl continued with her analogy confirming, "It is composed of much that gives it life. The roots that give it nourishment from the Earth. The branches that reach out to the sky. Whatever their function, they all break away from the central truth in some way."

Shinji could not imagine how it would have been in any other situation but he found himself comprehending another key part of his ideal girl's allegory by reasoning, "But the tree... can't live without them..."

She brought her attention back to Shinji praising, "Now you have begun to comprehend everything."

He knew she was hopeful he had achieved what should have been a challenge before, but Shinji resorted to another fearful conclusion as he came to question, "Is that what I've always been? Just a bad version of what's true?"

Determined to keep him on the path to achieving a full understanding, his ideal girl answered, "A necessary part of what is greater."

Shinji continued to feel as though he was on another tipping point where he was falling into despair. "That just means I was never meant to achieve that truth."

"But you already have."

Shinji was about to protest how this could not have been the case but found himself cut short. He wanted to state that this was dooming himself to some worse fate but realized what his current self already was. It was an allegory that he was struggling to comprehend but he came to recognize one key part of why his ideal girl was using this comparison.

He brought his hands back to his sides before concluding, "I'm in that tree. I'm progressing through it and trying to decide what I'm supposed to be."

Seeing him begin to comprehend the analogy made his ideal girl smile before adding, "A creation built upon countless pieces that form a greater whole. From a multitude of outcomes and possibilities."

Shinji found himself once again being intimidated by the idea of so many outcomes that were not his own as he reiterated his fear, "I don't understand what I'm supposed to be even if I know that much."

His ideal girl was prepared for this reluctance by answering, "There are usually two different outcomes. Both that are a result of the tree existing. Branches that separate from the trunk but in many ways feed the tree. Roots that do the same but bury themselves in the depths of the Earth to draw from its rich nutrients and provide a foundation that keeps it upheld."

Recalling his earlier idea of how everything was predetermined for him to live made Shinji shrink away at the knowledge, deciding, "That has to mean I can't choose which I am."

This conclusion made his ideal girl bring her hands to her lap before admitting the one uncertainty that was keeping Shinji in fear, "Few ever discover which they are. When the exact point was that they became one of them. Everything that has led up to now is what was meant to be as part of this greater truth we are part of."

He was pleased to hear he was on the same page as his ideal girl again but Shinji used this as a chance to repeat the core of his fear, "The point where I discover what sort of person I'm supposed to be. That's something I still haven't come to understand."

Despite what he confessed, he found himself amazed to hear his ideal girl reveal, "You are now at a point where you can have that answer for yourself."

It might have come from desperation but Shinji was hopeful to finally have some sort of solid answer to everything he was enduring by asking, "I have to know. How do I decide what I am?"

Raising her hands to form a circle in front of him, his ideal girl told Shinji, "You say you have seen multiple personifications of yourself. Including this one you have seen nine. You must look to the one place where that is reflected onto you. Keter."

Misato still had not told Shinji about the baby she had. Both of them were still reeling from their attempts to comprehend how their lives would be perceived now that their choice was made. They were both able to rely on Asuka's arrival to reason why they were so hesitant but there was still more that kept them in this state of limbo as well.

While they were still stuck and confused wondering where they were, there was one sense of assurance the two had. Shinji was unsure what exactly caused it but Misato began to desire him more. He was not even sure it was because she actually wanted him specifically but she continued to demand him above all else.

The previous two sneaks into his bedroom were ultimately broken as Shinji requested that night that he be allowed to meet her in her bedroom. He gave the reason that he needed help with his homework but Misato was taken aback as he dropped his bookbag to the ground and walked his way up to her. Stepping towards her, Shinji wrapped his arms around Misato's waist while looking up to her.

Misato looked down asking, "Shinji?"

Shinji continued to look up to Misato asking, "I'm what you want, right?"

Misato realized that Shinji was now taking the initiative. Whether it was just knowing she would have her way with him anyway or he had come to make this desire of his own accord, he was now looking up to her with what she wanted to hear. Having the boy that made her life worth enduring demand her.

Lowering her head down to his, Misato locked Shinji's lips with hers. Even more enticing for her however was how she felt Shinji push himself forward to lower her to the futon beneath them. It broke the kiss but the tradeoff was seeing Shinji reach for the buttons of his shirt to remove it. Misato followed by removing her clothing as well before they were both naked to one another.

As though any sense of fear he had before was completely gone, Shinji pressed his body against Misato's and brought themselves back into a kiss. Misato felt herself being lost to a feeling she did not anticipate to feel again while Shinji continued to press his weight onto her. She felt his hand make its way down to her vagina as he brushed his fingers against the outer lips. If there was anything that changed about him up to this point it was the complete familiarity he now had with the female human body.

His body was not big enough to overtake her form but Shinji continued as best he could. One hand focused on keeping her face to his and the other preparing her for penetration, he continued with the motions he had learned before. As though she recognized this was his intent, Shinji felt Misato bring a hand to his phallus waiting for her.

He felt the strokes of her hand run along his organ and did his best to keep himself from immediately ejaculating upon her. He knew there was more that had to come and he would not allow himself to disappoint Misato. It did not take much longer for him to feel the wetness he had been waiting for as soon as he finished his strokes. Here was the exact moment Shinji knew he had to take the lead.

Removing his hand from Misato's vagina to move hers away from his erection, Shinji gave a thrust of his hips before uniting himself with her. It was hardly the first time for him at this point but Shinji now had a firm idea of what he was feeling after doing this. He was in a state of elation that few other instances were able to bring him.

He pulled his hips back before colliding with Misato's as she eagerly accepted him into her. United and focused entirely on one another, the two brought themselves together as best they could before establishing their repeated motions. This had happened several times before, but both bodies still felt themselves overwhelmed by the sensation of reaffirming their bond.

The two lost all track of time as they continued their movements. They both held on to the hope this would not be the last time but were forced to contend with the possibility it very well could be. For this they continued as slowly as possible despite the growing respective eruption building within them both.

There was no longer any sense of restraint or fear between the two. They both knew what the consequences of continuing might one day achieve but any care they once had was long lost. Especially now when they were about to achieve their mutual release.

Having long ago thrown any sense of caution he had, Shinji made one final push into Misato before feeling her vagina release its fluids. His body took this as his signal to respond in kind by shooting his own ejaculation into her. The two kept themselves in the conjunction they had become while refusing to release one another from their grasp.

Shinji felt his penis no longer shooting into Misato and this became the moment he allowed her to fall into the futon beneath them. He lay his head onto her as he caught his breath while her heavy breathing caused his head to rise and sink on her chest. Both were content to remain as they were hoping that sleep would overtake them soon enough.

It was not so simple however as Misato gave a giggle before asking, "Finally felt the need to take the lead huh?"

Shinji took a breath before answering, "Yeah. I guess I did."

Misato brought a hand around the back of his head before telling him, "This really is what I wanted more of from you."

The praise became enough to make Shinji decide, "I want more of you too."

Misato could not tell what she felt at first but immediately felt herself approving this side of Shinji. He was certain. He knew what he wanted. This was the type of boy she imagined she would raise him to be.

Preparing to oblige to his request, Misato pushed Shinji up to tell him, "Looks like I have some work to do."

Shinji recognized what Misato was referring to and positioned himself upright at the suggestion. His knees were between Misato's body but she adjusted herself to bring her mouth to Shinji's spent penis. After having done this several times before, Shinji now had complete trust in Misato to handle his organ as best she could.

His phallus was already wet but Shinji felt himself regaining a sense of rejuvenation in Misato's mouth. Her tongue worked its way around him while her lips slid across in repeated motions. The fluids that coated him before were washed away but allowed for his renewed erection to be prepared.

Misato could tell Shinji was close to ejaculating again but dropped into her futon to prepare herself for him. He prepared to enter her again but found himself stopped as she turned over on her stomach. She was not trying to deny him entry but found himself uneasy having to work with such a deviation to what he was used to.

Misato recognized the hesitation from Shinji and told him, "Just put it in like before. You'll hit me deeper that way."

Shinji could not tell how accurate this idea was but could not make himself hesitate any longer. He did not want to hold himself back anymore now that he was so close to beginning again. Pressing his body on to Misato's back, he positioned the tip of his erection to her dripping folds before making a thrust with his hips.

Being united with her again made Shinji feel his first instinct to pull himself out before thrusting back in. The repeated motions became all too familiar for him as did the feeling of his organ caught between Misato's folds. Being caught up in the feeling of unity with her was enough to make him forget what else was occurring around him before bringing his weight down on her back.

Shinji used this position to wrap his arms around her stomach while continuing his repeated thrusts. His motions earned a few short yelps from Misato as she allowed him into her. It was the only sign that Shinji needed to know he was accomplishing what he needed to and he did not allow himself to stop from this achievement.

He did know that he would not be able to keep this going forever though and the building pressure in his phallus was a reminder of that. His concern was lost however as he made a few repeated motions and felt the fluids of Misato's canal leak onto him. A crucial moment was coming and Shinji was being tasked to make sure he would not allow Misato to forget his intentions.

In a final thrust, Shinji buried his erection into Misato's canal. Buried to the base of his pelvis he shot one load of his seed into her after another while he held on to her as best he could. Misato accepted every drop that came into her womb as she let out a suppressed moan from the feeling of being filled again.

She struggled to keep herself from falling onto her futon but Misato eventually lost the strength to keep herself up. Shinji took the fall with her as the two lay in a pile together before breathing from the exhaustion. Another night had come and the two found themselves in the familiar state of unison they had a few times before.

The two remained stuck to one another as sleep began to weigh itself upon them both. Content to lay in the bind of one another, tall that remained was the hope they would not have their attention taken by anything else. Misato was not so ready to accept such a moment however.

As soon as she felt her breath return she praised, "It's nice to see you finally taking charge."

Shinji realized he could not leave this observation without a response before answering, "You really helped me with that Miss Misato."

Hearing this praise of her made Misato feel a rush of pride in her before commenting, "If you asked me, I'd say we're both better off together like this."

Everything Shinji ever said to Misato was an important matter for him to consider. Ever since more people came into his life, it seemed his relationship with her had become more difficult to comprehend than he knew before. It seemed to be a perfect reflection of what his life was like up until Kaji's death.

That moment in his life, he reflected, turns out to be more significant than he imagined possible. It was not simply another moment he had gone through, but a new beginning as well. A chance for both he and Misato to find a new future together. He could not tell if it was a happy one or a dangerous one he would have to face but it was still a potential future.

Finally mustering the ability to respond, Shinji agreed, "I like where we are now too. I'd like it if we did stay together."

Misato was disappointed they were not the exact words she wanted to hear but it was the closest thing in this moment. In almost every scenario she could think of, she should not have wanted to be in this position. Against everything she thought she was and what she was told to accept however, she still found herself more than willing to accept where she was rather than an alternative. She could not even find herself afraid of the possibility of being discovered.

Hoping this was the beginning of a new time for them both, Misato told him, "That's something we're both going to have to work on, Shinji. I just know that I can trust you to do your best."

Shinji snapped his attention back to the vision of his ideal girl as his view ended. It was the last thing he was anticipating but he felt himself presented with a revelation he never imagined being a possibility. An answer that was every bit an explanation for his situation as it was a gateway he never comprehended before.

With an idea of what he was envisioning all this time, Shinji reflected on what he believed was the penultimate truth observing, "Is that... I've lived that moment."

Hearing such a realization made his ideal girl raise her head in attention to affirm, "Indeed you did. It is all the reminder you needed. The moment you discovered what you were."

It was an appeal to his own sense of happiness but Shinji felt a crucial part of himself be remembered as well. There might have been a precise moment this all began but it was not the end either. He could not tell where his life was going afterwards and he could not even tell if he wanted to know.

He revealed this fear, determining, "There was so much that came after that though. I hurt so many people. I didn't want to even stay with it."

His ideal girl was prepared for this concern, reminding, "And yet you remained in the end. Despite everything you decided your reality."

At the center of all the fear Shinji felt, he discovered a sense of purpose. He had found the reason his ideal girl knew he would accept the reality he came from despite everything. There was no way he was able to determine if there was any singular revelation that made him come to where he was but it was a choice he finally felt would be worth living. For all he knew it could have been his entire life up to a specific point that made this moment possible.

He finally realized what he was being shown from the vision of Keter by agreeing, "I did. I answered the meaning of my being right then."

The hope she was looking for was realized as his ideal girl answered, "That you would embrace what you lived in and everyone who valued you."

A rush ran its way through Shinji as he tried to reason what he was realizing. "The life I live is every bit a reality or an illusion as I want it to be. The me that exists in this moment is just as important as the me in any other. Just like the life I live in."

Seeing Shinji grab hold of what he was feeling made his ideal girl look on in interest while adding, "By your choices and the choice you present to those you cherish. From those you chose to be with in life and those you deny."

There was still a lingering fear in Shinji as he realized another conclusion he was making but found himself relying on the vision of Misato he had before agreeing, "Even if I didn't live in it... the fact that I am is what everyone values."

"Even if you are not the embodiment of everything that is, that you are an idea of it is what makes it all worthwhile."

"I might not be meant to know what reality is! But how I change that is what determines the value I have!"

His ideal girl clasped her hands together while presenting him with an invigorated smile. It was more than apparent now that this was what she was here to achieve. What the point of them both meeting together in this moment was for.

"Congratulations." His ideal girl rewarded in response. It was in this moment Shinji immediately knew what she was referring to. All he needed to know was in this realization he had just made for himself.

Trying to determine how he felt in such a decisive moment left him just as conflicted as he had been before. It was an achievement in trying to determine his place where he lived but now had one lingering question now that he had hold of this knowledge. Just when he thought he would be left with all the answers he needed, he found himself facing what seemed to be another challenge that demanded his decision.

Shinji felt himself met with a similar sense of fear he was asked to face before as he asked himself, "What will I do now that I know?"

While the newfound sense of assurance he was looking for had been obtained, his ideal girl knew Shinji was still trapped within a reality that he was struggling to even free himself from. The one thing that changed however was that he had what he needed to face the reality he had left. He was now determined and prepared to do everything to make the life he was living worth the struggles he had gone through. It would be a parting but it would be a necessary one for the tree of life they both lived upon.

She knew this was at hand and prepared to part from Shinji with the parting words, "You know that your happiness is now at hand. It is only now for you to determine. How you will feed the greater truth that makes you."

Shinji did not even have a chance to glance through all the outcomes he had seen before as he witnessed a blinding bright light flash in front of his eyes. He did not even find himself stepping off the train or making his way to anything. The reality he lived in was already demanding him back as it brought him back to a climactic moment in his life. One that would determine if he would even be alive to make any future choices for himself.

Back in a familiar setting and with a mighty weight in his hands, Shinji was reminded of the positron rifle Eva Unit-01 was holding. The mighty beam it sent out continued to collide with the one that Da'at shot towards him along with the shower of light that covered the shape of his unit. It was a collision that continued to shake him but found that his struggle would finally be ended in another few seconds.

The energy of his positron rifle finally shot through the light and made its way to the neck of Da'at. What A.T. Field there was gave little resistance as the shot forced its way through and severed the head of the Angel from its body. It was the last thing to pass before the Angel lost all signs of life and hung in the air as though it was impaled upon a mighty spike.

Seeing the body of Da'at levitate initially gave Shinji hope he defeated the Angel, but was forced to remember a harsh reality that came with its defeat. All around him were nine other Angels that had all sprung from the spheres Da'at handled and they were still alive. Now all looking towards him as their new target.

Shinji saw none of the units that were made to assist him with only Unit-02 caught in the bind of one of them. It was a haunting reminder for Shinji if he wanted to make this reality his own. There were forces that were still intent to deny him.

A/N: Yes folks, really. We are done living out of the visions that Da'at gave and we are now back to the battle at hand. Da'at might have gone down easy, but there's still another nine Angels that Shinji has to deal with.

I probably forgot to mention, although I hope it was alluded to in previous chapters, but the appendages coming out of Da'at are what allowed for the other Angels to come out. Each one is basically a Diemay Angel. It could be me, but they always looked like they would have been super numerous style enemies to me.

Now you might be wondering about Asuka and Kaworu at this point. That I can tell you is another thing that is about to be address but it shouldn't take as long. What will probably be longer is the total chaos that NERV is going to be thrown into.

We're in the home stretch I can confirm that much. Anybody who made it this far, I hope you look forward to seeing the resolution. I hope to see you all then.