Chapter 57: Was She the Mother Who Doubted?
The fight against the Angels continued to be isolated from the conflict that erupted within NERV. An outside observation would determine a struggle between those loyal to NERV's publicly stated purpose and those who remained with SEELE. Discovering the individuals who were subject to the conditioning known as Legion was an easy determining factor but even this became a more complicated matter for SEELE's followers.
Being forced to accept this difficulty was one reason that Aoi hesitated to fire her gun on someone she thought was dedicated to their cause. After the reports of what happened in the Eva cages however, she could not see her in such a light. She knew she could not give her absolute trust to anyone but still found herself resorting to just a threatening gesture rather than the most immediate choice.
Aoi revealed these grievances by telling Kaede, "You really were given the proper designation all those years ago."
Kaede immediately recognized what Aoi was referring to now that she was at gunpoint. Left in a room where those adherent to SEELE were prepared to fulfill their duties, there was no option to escape her judgment. All she could do now was try to see if she could make any sort of argument for why she had to deviate from her obligations.
Hopeful that Aoi would at least understand her motivation, Kaede appealed, "He's just a child, Aoi. You have to agree he doesn't deserve to live that way forever."
Aoi kept her aim focused on Kaede as she countered, "The success of our plan ensures that it would not even matter to him. His trauma along with everyone else's is already set to be removed."
Satsuki agreed with this adding, "What you did was give the resistance within NERV an opening. Even just a small one can be enough to undo everything we accomplished."
She wanted to believe she had some grounds to argue against leaving Kensuke in such a state but Kaede was forced to accept she made a fatal error. It was a fallacy she should not have allowed to impair her judgment but allowed it to happen. In this haunting instant where she could not allow herself to live with someone tormented by one of the Angels, taking hold of NERV in preparation for Instrumentality had become more difficult for her superiors.
Kaede attempted to rationalize her choice by asking, "You are so certain Unit-01 would be enough to keep all of the Angels from destroying us?"
Ritsuko took her chance to answer, "We know you were not thinking so far ahead. Otherwise you would have made sure Unit-04's dummy plug would have been prepared."
Aoi agreed, "You divided our forces when we easily could have taken hold of everyone already."
There was no longer an argument Kaede could make that made her look any better as part of her assignment. Every instinct she felt made her decide it was better for her to free Kensuke from the trauma he was subjected to. It only made Aoi's initial observation more legitimate.
Forced to accept this is what her choices had come to, Kaede accepted, "You're right. I couldn't let him linger in that pain. No one should have to-"
Before Kaede could say anything else, a loud bang sounded through the room. She looked down and saw a red stain bleed out on her chest before she took hold of it and fell to the ground. The pain of the shot rang through her body as she struggled to even look up to Aoi but was forced to lean against the wall as the only support she could find.
She kept her attention on the others as she heard Fuyutsuki ask, "You believe it will be enough to keep her from interfering?"
Aoi lowered the gun to her side answering, "She will have a more difficult time stopping us. I will not deprive her of the opportunity of Instrumentality."
Satsuki agreed, "We have unfortunately discovered what sort of motherly attachment she had to our detriment. It was far too strong to this way of life. She may at least realize her great mistake soon enough."
Ritsuko made her way to the door the gathering came in with while reminding, "That is dependent if we are successful in securing the First Child. It is our foremost concern right now."
Fuyutsuki prepared the others for the mission at hand, "We allowed Wakatake to contribute to our cause. It is time that we do our part to ensure we are successful."
The two led the others out as Satsuki followed behind but Aoi lingered as she prepared her gun. More of a struggle however was tearing her gaze away from someone she considered to be dear to her. Even in dealing an injury that should not have been fatal she could not make herself feel any easier about what she did. More importantly however were the words she heard from her as she struggled against her bullet wound.
Kaede kept hold of her stomach asking, "Aoi... Could you please... just... tell me why you let me go through with it?"
The question bore much weight that onlookers would not have understood. Aoi knew exactly what Kaede was referring to however and felt a conflict brew in her she was forced to keep from overwhelming her. She was forced to witness firsthand that her detached approach still managed to keep both her and Kaede from fulfilling their respective duties with a clear conscience. For all she could determine it was the one reason she granted her and Kensuke entrance into the baptism room.
She tried to counter this reasoning by telling her, "The truth is Kaede... You were right on some level. We were in danger from the Angels... Your reasoning for allowing it however was to the detriment of everyone."
Aoi turned away and through the doorway while leaving Kaede on the ground to bleed. She could hope for her survival in the midst of all this growing chaos but it was against her greater mission now. If she had to cut one person away from her to achieve her ambitions, she could determine that person was not worth anything to her anyway. She was committed now and she had no other way to position herself at this point of the conflict.
Even Kaede understood this as she was left in the room to deal with her injury. It was not a pleasant sight but she could not muster the will to defy what fate assigned her. Forced to keep herself from bleeding out, she was left where she was to contemplate how many of her actions were worth what she put at risk.
She did all she could to convince herself that she accomplished something other than making this conflict more difficult than she initially hoped. Remembering back to the time where she single handedly brought Kensuke out of his perpetual state of terror made her think she accomplished her life goal of being a mother in some way. It was not with the child she wanted it to be or even the ideal circumstances but she was able to live her desire if only once before her fate was determined. Even at the cost of going against her conviction the day she confronted Misato to discover her secret.
She could remember when she was asked what sort of motivation she had that made her assist Hajime and the others. How she, someone who was supposed to be assisting others in achieving such an apocalyptic outcome for the human race, would be willing to give her supposed enemies an opportunity to undo her own work. This was the foremost inquiry everyone had as they confronted her appearance with Kensuke right next to her.
It earned hesitation from Kaede but she finally managed to answer, "It was wrong. He didn't deserve it."
This confession earned a pause among the gathering. Hajime knew it was important to establish who they could trust and who did not earn such a courtesy. Even behind the backs of her own associates, Kaede was able to bring Kensuke to them and out of the state of trauma he was in before.
Attempting to discern any possible trappings in his sudden appearance made Hajime step towards Kensuke asking, "It's you, isn't it, Aida?"
Kensuke looked up, answering, "It's me. I've been told everything that happened. I just need to be out there."
He was just as responsive and prepared for action as the few times he had seen him before. Hajime could only recall one other instant where this was possible, and it came when Asuka changed in a way many noticed. There were many possibilities that could have prepared him for optimum piloting material, but he knew it would be a waste of time to go through every idea he could think of.
The intent to discover the root of this recovery made Hajime ask Kaede, "Did you do the same thing to him as you did to the second child?"
Kaede remained at attention, confirming, "I had to find the opportunity to do so out of the sight of Mogami and Ooi, but yes. It was the only way he could be freed from his condition."
Seeing Kensuke presented as an option for battle on such short notice seemed like a development that should not have been possible. The commander's indifference to how pilots like him were treated left him an afterthought that would have otherwise been cast aside until Third Impact could begin. The only way he could make sense of this was to see if he was the same boy who was eager to destroy his first Angel as he had quickly gained a reputation for.
He hoped he would find a way to spot a potential trap behind Kensuke's reveal by asking, "I need to hear it from you Aida. Why do you want to pilot the Eva unit again?"
This question made Kensuke tighten his hands not out of anger but of preparation to reveal his resolve and he answered, "I need to be out there. I have to help Shinji any way I can."
Hajime warned him, "You say that but we can't have you out there just because you want to fix everything. The odds are you won't even be able to."
Kensuke revealed how dedicated he was to his plea by reasoning, "Everything he went through was because of me. He should hate me right now for what I did. If he can ever forgive me, it has to be this way somehow."
Koji tried to add to the argument by suggesting, "Suruga, I know this seems like a petty appeal at a time as crucial as this. But I think it's possible to use this to our advantage."
The appeal warranted a nod from Hajime as he accepted, "It could. We'll discuss this plan another time." Turning his attention back to Kaede, he warned, "I only hope you understand this does not mean we will keep you free of consequences when the time comes."
Prepared to relinquish any good will she had with anyone, Kaede accepted, "I appreciate your conditions. I only want this so Kensuke can have what he is content with."
The uncertainty Hajime had for the situation made Hitomi reason, "There is danger behind this but she is still placing those loyal to SEELE in danger as well."
Koji agreed but caught himself from revealing too much, "This gives us an opportunity to throw them off guard when the time comes. Their... assumptions might be different."
Hajime was relieved he did not have to warn Koji about revealing too much information but found himself remaining cautious as long as Kaede was still with them. He immediately deduced just how capable she was of determining who was working against her conspirators after all this time and she had just as much opportunity to provide information about his next move. Accepting her offer came off just as dangerous even when it initially seemed appealing.
He hesitated to give an immediate answer before remembering one former acquaintance he determined he could use this situation on. Making sure that Mitsuru would not interfere with the development upstairs would be possible and he would keep SEELE from immediately overtaking the base. There did not seem to be an immediate reason to assume Kensuke would fight in favor of the Angels at the first opportunity or sabotage the unit even if there was a trap involved. He could speculate for a long time about the nature of Kaede's choice but he could determine proper planning would make this gesture a net positive for him and his cause.
He made his way over to Koji before whispering, "Adjust the inventory records. Make it seem like we have a dummy plug for Unit-04."
Koji accepted this reasoning before turning to Hitomi and telling her, "We have work to do. Show me the way."
Hitomi determined there was one request behind Koji's parting as she ordered, "Follow me."
The two left Kensuke and Kaede to contemplate what they were planning next while Hajime gave his attention to Kensuke and instructed, "Wait here for instructions."
Kensuke knew he was in no position to protest, so he nodded and said, "Just say the word and I'm ready to go."
He returned his attention to Kaede by telling her, "You understand the consequences of your actions. As long as you are prepared for what will happen to you, it will be your life to live."
Accepting she achieved what little she would be able to change, Kaede turned away, lamenting, "I should have done more to earn your trust. I would have a better chance at least living with myself if I did."
It was a perfect summary of what caused her to be in this situation now. Kaede saw so much suffering among the crew of NERV and she could not make herself accept what she had a part in causing. By the time this all ended she would not have anyone she could say she was on good terms with but she would not be guaranteed a chance to clear her name in any way.
Even with such a condition she knew this was the most she would ever be able to achieve. The fact she was able to have the understanding with Hajime she had was a miracle in itself. It was already an easier task than getting Kensuke to comprehend how he was able to stand on his own again.
Standing across from Kensuke in one of the isolated rooms where she could have this privacy gave her the time to bring Kensuke on the same page as soon as he demanded, "Listen I'm not moving from this spot until you tell me what I'm doing here and whatever string you got me on."
Kaede realized what Kensuke was referring to as she asked, "You were able to deduce that much from Asuka weren't you?"
Kensuke threw his arms up in frustration. "Anybody who knew her could have guessed she wasn't even close to who she used to be."
It was a clear loophole in what was established but Kaede added to his evaluation, "That is the central premise of what the commander wanted done to her."
Even having some added context to what brought him here did little to assuage Kensuke's frustration as he continued, "And I'm guessing not just because everybody was only a little annoyed by her parading around before."
She decided he deserved some context to what made this situation possible before revealing, "He saw a value in Satsuki he did not see in many others. Her connections to the KGB are only through her father but she was still able to pass that information on to us. He needed an opportunity to do so and the second child's breakdown provided that."
He immediately recognized another aspect of the test plans by remembering, "And he didn't even want to touch Ayanami for obvious reasons. So if he had the chance you would have done it to everybody."
Kaede confirmed this was the case revealing, "It was a key part of how Legion was prepared."
Kensuke wanted to call out how it could not have made sense but realized a certain logic behind using a pilot. The personnel of NERV would be too focused on one another to not notice an experiment that would not have been approved by government officials, especially now that Takeshi was in charge of the base. Adding to that, he would be testing someone most members of NERV would not be expected to inquire about or care about unless they happened to be part of Hajime's division.
This wave of information made Kensuke determine, "He thinks we're even more disposable than the crew down here. He's even more messed up than I thought."
She knew she was in no position to debate the morality of Gendo Ikari, so she did not contest this matter. "There are many things to keep track of, but the commander certainly saw a logic to all of it."
Kensuke found his way to a nearby seat while pressing his fingers to his forehead, "I guess I'm just confused is all."
Kaede knew better than to approach him but agreed, "I certainly can't fault you for that."
Even though he received sympathy about his confusion, he could not accept so little and told her, "I don't think you get it though. I was supposed to just be a casualty but you're picking now to get me back out there?"
Realizing he would only accept simple answers at this point, Kaede explained, "Any other time would have left you compromised. I had to discover that the final Angel was on its way here. See this based on a matter of practicality, it may be the best way to comprehend what you are facing."
Kensuke looked down as he revealed his disappointment and the resentment he had for her, "I've gone through all this trying to understand how NERV works and you think I can just take an answer that easy. There's no way I'm going to trust you with anything."
It was not an easy statement to accept but Kaede knew she could not accept any better. Her place in SEELE was solidified long ago but she never anticipated being conflicted. She was fulfilling her goals and even going against people she once respected but now found herself providing those people a better fighting chance.
She could remember what made her come to this decision but respected Kensuke's impatience telling him, "That is why I don't expect you to. If I am ever going to do just one thing right, then I will accept this."
Hoping to reclaim some of the carefree nature he once had made him determine, "I guess I should have looked into you if I wanted to get an idea of what was happening around here."
Kaede denied this possibility by telling him, "It was better for you to stay away. Suruga's division permitted a development I could not live with."
Looking back up to her, Kensuke made his demand, "If you want to get me to cooperate then you tell me. What did he and the others do?"
There was no more running away from what brought her to this point. How she was ultimately motivated to expose two individuals for committing an act she deemed to be unforgivable. The idea of even giving those two a sense of freedom to be together again made her recoil at the idea she was working against herself.
Kaede knew he deserved nothing but the truth as she finally made herself correct, "Nothing that they had any say in. Simply what they permitted."
The choice of words made Kensuke confused at first but found himself realizing, "Permitted? Wait... do you mean with..."
It was not pleasant for her to see that a boy Shinji's age knew about the hidden affair as well but Kaede knew she could not change that fact either. She recalled every argument she ever made against him and Misato being together but found herself faced with just another revelation she could not do anything to change. Not when she herself was still struggling to even determine if those she still cared for were still a riddle for her.
She finally gave her confirmation by completing Kensuke's observation, "The third child."
This confirmation made Kensuke sigh before requesting, "Damn. I knew it couldn't stay a secret forever. At least tell me he's okay."
Kaede hung her head while clenching her right hand as she answered, "The General has both him and the Major in custody ever since it was revealed. Everything that led up to now... I will admit it has caused division to occur... I'm not willing to accept it either..."
A short pause lingered between the two before Kensuke decided, "Well, he's my friend. I don't know what favors you think you're getting from me but I'm going to stand up for him no matter what it takes."
Accepting that she did not have many reasons to stand for her position, Kaede unclenched her hand before accepting, "You will have your mission. I will pay for everything I did myself."
Hearing her relinquish her position this way made Kensuke stand up before asking, "So if you aren't doing this to help Hajime and the others, what are you doing this for?"
Kaede managed to find the words to summarize her conflicting emotions by answering, "Things that caused me to lose the friends I would otherwise still have."
Fuyutsuki greeted the three MAGI technicians in their operating room by revealing, "I have received word from the Commander. Third Impact is within our reach. The last Angel will soon be arriving."
Hoping to receive some form of confirmation Gendo was finally going to go through with his plans, Aoi asked, "You have been able to confirm this for certain?"
Fuyutsuki recognized the need for confirmation and reassured, "He told me about this long before this point. The Book of Shemaiah has been leading up to this arrival."
The recent battle against Baraqijal made Satsuki bring up a concern she had for NERV's ability to defend itself, "Can we even know we are prepared for such a trial? The previous Angel rendered two of our units severely damaged. We may be faced with a serious challenge."
Fuyutsuki confirmed, "Not the kind we have not faced before. We were fortunate the General did not use the positron rifle before but now will be the ideal time."
Aoi accepted the opening they were being afforded, "Once it has been used, the base will be forced to use its emergency power. The General will be unable to effectively defend himself once it is reduced to minimal functionality."
While the MAGI technicians were able to see the opening they were being afforded, Fuyutsuki reminded them of another duty that had to be fulfilled. "What is more important is that all of you are now expected to fulfill your duty in regard to the Fifth Child."
The three had been given time necessary to prepare for what would make humanity's bid for Instrumentality possible. All of the times they were asked to activate the DSS fibers for Unit Beta could be seen as tests to ensure it would achieve the intended effect they were hoping for. An opportunity to ensure Kaworu, who would be the last surviving Angel, would meet his end.
Aoi came to this conclusion adding, "As soon as the last Angel is destroyed by one of our units, he will be driven to find Adam as soon as he can."
Despite what should have solidified their certainty for success, Satsuki voiced her concern for the plan, "With how much time has passed, we have reason to believe he may know of its location."
Kaede shook at the idea but admitted, "He still has the suit. The DSS technology will still be receptive to our command."
Seeing her hesitate to confirm the idea made Aoi see something in Kaede she was not hoping to see from anyone. Knowledge that Kaworu Nagisa was among the final Angels to be dealt with was common at this point but many were still uneasy with approaching him that way. More important was how she would be another figure among those who needed to ensure they would have this chance at all. With the Japanese government closer than ever before, NERV would be forced to defend itself the exact moment there were no more Angels to hold them back.
Attempting to address this concern without being accusatory, Aoi reminded, "It will be a series of perfectly coordinated commands, but possible to accomplish."
Willing to accept the idea they were prepared for such a moment made Fuyutsuki leave with a final warning, "Most importantly that we cannot afford even a moment's hesitation for any of it. I have other matters that need to be set in place. The General being key among them."
Aoi accepted the parting, "We will be ready when the time comes. It is only a matter of time for us now."
Fuyutsuki nodded before leaving the three women to their duties. Without any concern for what might have been on their minds, he was confident there would be no hesitation or questions to address. The moment he left was the moment Kaede took the opportunity to voice the concern that was on her mind.
Aoi and Satsuki prepared to make their way to their respective stations but Kaede remained where she stood asking, "Do we still not have an opportunity to provide assistance to the Sixth Child?"
Aoi stood in place as soon as their question was raised but Satsuki tried to end the debate before it could begin by asking, "You believe now is the time for you to be questioning what you are doing?"
Despite earning suspicion from one of her friends, Kaede remained firm to her principle by telling her, "No single child deserves to be left in the trauma he was left in. We proved ourselves to be trustworthy to the General with how we brought back Asuka, we can afford the time necessary to assist him as well."
"We cannot." The two women turned to see Aoi interject in the conversation before adding, "We have already determined that a single deviation is enough to place everything we have worked towards at risk. A new pilot will not be able to contribute much to our defense anyway."
Hearing Aoi approach her with such callousness for a child made Kaede try to appeal, "Just out of the principle for it though? If he is part of the process by the time it starts now he might be stuck in the perpetual state he is in now."
This display of desperation made Aoi shake her head, asking, "You still cannot comprehend what the full extent of Instrumentality is supposed to be can you?"
Satsuki took the opportunity to provide her own observation, determining, "There are few who are capable. Her desires to be a mother seem to be prevalent as ever."
Kaede knew she could not hide her intentions anymore before answering, "I admit that I still have my own selfish hopes for a future in a reality such as this one. Even if I never have my own child, I want to ensure none of them have to live through even a little bit of suffering."
Refusing to let any sentiment hold her back, Aoi crossed her arms accusing, "It was anticipated that you fully appreciated what Instrumentality was when we disclosed everything to you. If we need to extract anyone from interfering, we have a perfect opportunity to do so."
Kaede did not need to press her inquiry any further to recognize she had placed herself in a fragile position before clarifying, "I apologize Aoi. In spite of everything I may be saying, I have no intention of preventing Third Impact from occurring."
Satsuki took the opportunity to attempt ending the quarrel by warning, "We will not achieve anything by continuously accusing one another in such a crucial hour. Unless we are able to make an immediate decision, we cannot afford to keep one another in this state of suspicion."
While the plans for the death of the final Angels had been laid clear, Aoi prepared to leave her friend with a crucial warning, "Just understand this much. You will be observed. The first instance of suspicion will warrant immediate action."
Forced on the defensive with Aoi stepping forward to accuse her, Kaede took this to challenge her resolve by asking, "You're willing to kill me if it comes to that?"
Aoi maintained her gaze on Kaede as she answered, "I currently respect you enough to not contemplate the advantages."
Relying on the possibility Kaede might reconsider with two going against her arguments, Satsuki made her way next to Aoi asking her, "I trust you to still have the commitment necessary in case she is contemplating the alternative?"
Being forced to answer this question made Aoi think back on what a crucial failure she achieved before admitting, "It has been my duty to ensure the MAGI system had the best candidates possible. Of all the aspects I anticipated that could have provided dilemmas, Balthasar was the one that had the most probable openings."
Kaede looked down before reflecting on what brought her to this point and what would dictate her actions after this moment, "At the center of it all, the program was designed to accommodate for the entirety of the human condition. Including the desire for as many to feel they have achieved happiness at the cost of their own. Even without the opportunity to experience it, that was what I perceived to be motherhood. Being faced with a plan like this one made me face demands I could not measure up to. I cast aside everything I was supposed to follow in favor of my own desires"
Kensuke did not anticipate he would find himself thankful for someone he should have hated giving him the opportunity he needed to help Shinji with his defining fight. The mighty Angels that still stood around him and the other units were an incalculable challenge for him and everyone involved. It became an even greater struggle for him to handle as he was still left uncertain if Asuka could be freed from her prison. All his contemplations would be for nothing however if the beam of light that made its way across the field destroyed both Unit-01 and Unit-02.
He continued to pound his drills on every Angel that came within striking distance but neglected to activate them as he was forced to bear the remaining 33% of power he had left in his weapons. The most he was able to accomplish however was knocking them backwards to push them away. It only took a brief glance before he saw one gathering of Angels making their way up to him and prepared to gather onto his location.
This gathering made Kensuke move Unit-04 across the field in search of another area while two of the Angels fired their energy beams towards him. He forced Unit-04 to the ground to protect himself but found the Angels were prepared to take advantage of this weakness as he left himself exposed.
All of this occurred while he looked to the area where Unit-01 and Unit-02 were making their stand as he was left to wonder, "Who's coming out of that? Shinji... Asuka... Let it be anybody..."
A/N: Can't say I expected to get a Kaede focused chapter at this point but it just turned out to be that way. I set to work on this one essentially to fill in the big plot hole of Kensuke's return in the previous chapter and found out it made me dive into a lot of implications I made about Kaede as a character in this story. If this chapter was effective in accomplishing that or not I'll definitely leave that to you the reader to decide. Along with this odd progression that I did for this one, it just seems to work out the best for starting with an answer of how things got here and having a chance to lead the reader along with one question after another.
Whatever your feelings on this chapter might be, the good news is that the main plot will continue. Especially now that there's only 5 chapters left and a lot of huge developments to occur towards the resolution. I hope to see you all for that much.