Welcome back. I apologise if these updates aren't as frequent as you would like - I'm currently in my final year of university and extremely busy. Either way, I hope you enjoy.
May.
It's not meant to last, but it does.
Kate never admits it, but the whole 'Ari Situation' affects her more than she lets on, occupying her every moment, both awake and asleep. During the day, she's constantly on edge, always anticipating him appearing next to her at the crosswalk, his motorbike pulling up beside her car in traffic, his order following hers at her regular coffee shop. At night, he's the protagonist who plagues her nightmares, emerging from the darkness with that same glint in his eye that made her unable to shoot him, the cold laugh of someone who knows he has her bent to his will.
Tony's presence acts as a welcome buffer to those thoughts, their constant bickering and playful banter a familiar distraction. So one night of him staying in her guest bedroom easily becomes two, then three, then four.
Things are a little awkward at first: they're both so used to living their own separate lives that navigating around their respective habits and routines is completely foreign, even if they have worked together for almost a year at this point. They get into countless arguments, more than the regular amount, over the most insignificant domestic things - the toilet seat being left up in the master bathroom, utensils getting misplaced in the kitchen, a stray vest turning Kate's whites pink in the washer. Quite a few of these disagreements turn ugly, with one or both of them pushing too far, doors slamming in frustration as they storm out. No matter what happens though, they always return, no apologies necessary.
Tony doesn't leave, save for going to collect some spare clothes and toiletries from his place. Kate would feel guilty for plucking him out of his own life, but she thinks that he needs this as much as she does. It's obvious, in the way his eyes flick to her across the dinner table, how he continues to sweep every corner of her apartment before she even steps into it.
It's clear that he's worried about her, though he never explicitly says it, never pushes beyond the boundary they pretend isn't there when he's rifling through her filing cabinet or eavesdropping on her phone calls. He doesn't attempt to comfort her either, not after that first night, even though he can probably tell how exhausted she is by the constant mood swings and dark circles under her eyes. Ultimately, he knows that she has to hit breaking point before she'll accept anything, and he respects it, not wanting her to feel smothered by him. The day that she does, he'll be ready.
Four days in, the night terrors start.
June.
Kate wakes up in an autopsy drawer.
Someone is screaming.
Still on the brink of sleep, she thrashes, desperately trying to free herself, the darkness so black that she can't see, the space so small that she can feel the oxygen running out. She scrambles, attempting to reach the gun kept faithfully at her waist, but he's taken it, of course he has. She's going to die in here: the walls are closing in, her lungs straining even as they take huge, gasping breaths. It's too tight, too hot, she's suffocating. She's trapped, oh god, she's going to die, he's going to kill her. He's going to-
"Kate!" A voice, familiar but urgent in a way she's never heard before, cuts through the panic. "It's okay, you're okay. You're having a nightmare, I need you to open your eyes," it pleads frantically, "you're safe. He's not here. I got you."
Her eyes snap open, and in the dim light she lunges for the person sitting at her bedside, one hand searching for the pistol under her pillow, the other clutching at the fabric of their clothes.
The screaming is louder now.
The man doesn't attempt to defend himself, allowing her to wrestle him to the mattress. It's only as his back hits the bed that a faint crack of light from the hallway hits his face, and her panic instantly evaporates. Lying beneath her is not Ari, the demon that haunts her nightmares, but Tony, her partner, hair sticking up at all angles and clothes wrinkled with sleep, who has allowed her to do this every night since this started last week.
The room is silent.
It's only then that she realizes the screaming was coming from her.
Kate gasps, every ounce of adrenaline leaving her body, slumping on top of him on the mattress. Her whole body shudders as she takes huge gulps of air, attempting to regulate her breathing and slow her racing pulse.
"That's it," Tony murmurs, "deep breaths," he runs a comforting hand up and down her back, letting her melt into him, "You're at home. I'm here. Nothing is going to hurt you."
She claws at his shirt desperately, using it to ground herself as he cradles her trembling body in his arms. As he does so, he repeats the same words over and over again, his voice low and inexplicably soothing.
"You're safe. You're with me now. I won't let anything happen to you."
They've been doing this same dance for a few nights now.
It goes like this. Kate has a nightmare about Ari: being kidnapped by Ari, being held hostage by Ari, being killed by Ari. This is nothing new - it's been happening ever since the incident in autopsy months ago - and up until this point she's had a handle on it, or at least she thought she did. What makes these bête noires different is that they now seem to feature other recurring characters: sometimes it's Ducky being shoved in the passenger's seat of a car, or Abby cuffed and held at gunpoint.
More often than not, it's Tony, lying dead on a slab with a single bullet through his forehead.
She wakes up screaming, lashing out at a reality that she's unable to escape. When she does, Tony is already there at her side, waiting to comfort her. Since this started happening multiple times a night for the past three nights, he's taken to sleeping on her couch, claiming that it lets him reach her faster. The first time, she'd almost killed him - the cold barrel of her sig pressed against his jaw before he managed to wrestle it from her grasp, effectively snapping her out of it.
The gun lives permanently in its lock-box now. She doesn't trust herself.
The control that Kate has sought to have for her entire life is gone, and she despises it. She's constantly on edge, feeling incredibly vulnerable and worst of all, weak. She doesn't know what to do with herself - losing her mind with every sleepless night. This is not the agent she's supposed to be: fearless, strong, unshakeable. This is a pathetic, irrational, entirely unhinged woman who's shaking in her partner's arms for the umpteenth time this week, unwanted tears soaking his shoulder.
If she can't even protect herself from her own emotions, something she's been doing her entire adult life, how the hell is she supposed to protect others? Since when does she need anyone, let alone Tony, to protect her?
"I'm sorry," she whispers, voice hoarse as she inhales the lingering scent of sandalwood on her partner's skin.
"Don't apologize," he replies, carding gentle fingers through her hair.
Quiet envelops them, harsh breathing and the gentle tick of a bedside clock the only things audible. Kate sighs, allowing herself to get lost in Tony's warmth. It's been a while since she's laid like this with a man, nothing sexual, just pure comfort. His body is strong and reliable, the muscles in his arms reassuringly safe, similar to her father or oldest brother's when she was a kid, except even moreso, because she puts her life in his hands every day, and he does the same for her. He's never failed her. She nudges her nose into the crook of his neck, eyelids fluttering closed, and feels him tilt to press his cheek against her forehead.
"Do you ever wonder if you're not cut out for this?" She asks, fingers toying with the hem of his sleep-shirt.
"This… what?"
"I don't know… this job, this life?" Kate sighs, "sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I'd stayed in law school… not having to constantly look over my shoulder, keep secrets from the people I care about. I might be… normal. Be married, have kids."
He hesitates. "Sometimes. Do you?"
She rolls her body onto the mattress, but leaves her head resting on his shoulder, fingers still fiddling with the soft fabric. "I never used to," she replies, staring up at the ceiling to avoid meeting his gaze. "But now..? Sometimes I'm not sure I'm good enough to be here. I've made so many mistakes, let so many people down. I don't know how much longer I can do it."
Tony's pulse thumps steadily against her, slow and comforting. She could fall asleep here, laying by his side. "Kate, I've failed more people than I like to admit. I think about it every day. There was a time when I thought about giving it all up… going back to college, becoming an accountant or something. Something less intense."
"Why haven't you?"
He takes a moment to consider it, fingers absentmindedly tracing circles on her shoulder. She shivers. "Because walking away would be the worst thing I could do. Walking away would mean never making it up to all of those people. I couldn't live with myself," he pauses, and she finally turns to face him, hazel eyes meeting green, "and I don't think you could either."
She shakes her head softly, "no," she breathes, "I couldn't."
He nods, satisfied. "See," he continues, "so we keep going, and as long as we do that we'll always have a chance to right our wrongs, and learn from our mistakes. We have to try, Kate, otherwise what else do we have?"
For a moment, they regard each other, his arm beneath her back, her head resting on his shoulder. His eyes are the brightest thing in the room, and she's unable to look away. She realizes then that Anthony DiNozzo, contrary to her early opinions of him, is much more emotionally complex than she gives him credit for, and that despite knowing him for so long, she doesn't really know him at all. If she did, she would already be aware of the guilt her partner deals with, that which is so similar to her own. But then again if she is real with herself, she has always known that his happy-go-lucky adolescent personality is a front. Tony's always been sensitive, even more-so than her. She's just never allowed herself to see it.
"And if it's not enough?" She asks.
He offers a one shouldered shrug, the corner of his mouth quirking into a ghost of a smile. "Then at least we'll be able to say we gave it our best."
They lie there, lost in thought, until Kate finally glances back up to the ceiling, "I don't think I could ever leave NCIS anyway, not really," she admits.
Tony chuckles, "I should hope not. Abby would lock you in her lab and throw away the key if you tried. Besides," he adds, "if you left, d'you really think I'd survive on my own with Gibbs?"
She laughs, despite herself, turns back to see him he grinning, and suddenly everything is normal once more. Their laughter dissolves any of the remaining darkness, the weight that's been crushing her for the past few days completely dissipating. In that second, their shared laughter getting absorbed into her bedroom walls, he's so ridiculously attractive, head thrown back in joy, that she could slap him. Instead, as their chuckles fade, she just stares, and he stares back, smile dying down to something softer, rare. They stay there for a moment, just two people in very close proximity, watching each other.
Tony is the first to break, clearing his throat awkwardly as he pushes himself from the mattress. "Well," he says, smoothing down his hair, "if you're okay, I guess I better head back…" he trails off, gesturing vaguely in the direction of the door.
She nods silently, and he turns to leave the room. As he does so, she thinks of all the nights drowning in her own nightmares, screaming herself hoarse and sweating through her sheets. She thinks of his gentle reassurances, his panicked eyes, his safe arms. How him simply being there seems to make everything else melt away.
Stay. She wants to say. You make everything better.
"Tony-" she blurts out, and he stops, swiveling back to look at her. She hesitates, thanking god for the dimmed lights as she feels her cheeks flush pink with embarrassment.
Stay.
Please stay.
"Thank you."
He's staring at her, his expression unreadable. For a minute, she thinks he might say something, might offer to climb back in next to her.
Instead, he nods, his eyes softening once again. "You're welcome," he murmurs. "G-night Kate."
"Good night, Tony."
Neither of the sleep that night.
—
On the outside, nothing changes. At work, they swipe and bicker and irritate each other as usual. The difference is, they are now driving in together first thing, waiting for one another to finish at night. They're spending every moment of every day by each other's sides, both in and out of the office, yet nobody knows. It's not exactly a secret, that Tony is still staying at Kates, they just don't feel the need to mention it. But, naturally, if anyone dares to look closer, the signs are there.
It's the way their bodies seem to gravitate unconsciously towards each other like magnets, always leaving them stood side by side, leaning slightly too close together. It's how they seem to hold entire conversations with their eyes, a single glance saying a dozen words - they're more attuned to each other's feelings, knowing what the other is thinking before they even react. It's the way their petty arguments now seem… easier. Underlined by the comfortable domesticity that comes with living in close quarters.
If anyone does notice, they don't say anything. Gibbs is busy drinking himself to death by caffeine overdose while sulking about Ari, McGee continues to flit in and out, but is generally too overwhelmed by the presence of Abby. Abby herself? Tony suspects that she knows something is up, but he can't be certain, even if her eyes turn mischievous every time she watches them interact.
It's kind of thrilling, the secrecy of it all. He likes having something private, just for them - it feels like they're partners in a mystery that the world doesn't know. Every time she greets him good morning, cracks a joke at his outfit, makes a comment about the supposed state of his apartment, he can't help but smile. Nobody else has to know that they already said good morning, husky voices in exchanged over freshly brewed coffee. They aren't aware that she already approved the shirt that he's wearing, that she forced him to change it three times until she found it suitable enough for someone living in her house.
They certainly don't know that Tony hasn't seen his own apartment for days.
—
The air conditioning in Tony's building breaks.
A potential health and safety issue, his landlord tells him over the phone. The whole system will need to be gutted and reinstalled. Could take up to three weeks. Residents can stay in the building if they want, but I wouldn't recommend it with contractors working in the background.
He's on his lunch hour when he gets the call, and by the time he hangs up, he feels like he's aged about 15 years. The idea of returning to a building with no aircon right before the height of summer sounds like absolute hell. After spending the last two weeks at Kate's he'd almost forgotten that his own place existed - he's only been back once, on the third day, to pick up some clothes and other essentials. Now he feels like he's been Gibbs-slapped back into reality, and he has no idea where he's going to stay for the remainder of the month.
"You okay?" Kate asks from opposite him, putting down her iced tea as she sees the desperate look on his face. They're at an open air restaurant down the street from the navy yard, enjoying their break out in the sunshine rather than in the confines of the office for once. "Who was that?"
He sighs, leaning back in his chair and running his hands over his face. "My landlord," he replies, "apparently my building's aircon system needs replacing. I'm gonna be living with contractors for the next three weeks."
Kate hums, contemplative. He regards her from across the table, observing the way the light brings out the honey highlights in her hair, makes her tanned skin glow. She's wearing an olive green tailored pantsuit, her blazer sitting on the back of her chair as she soaks in the sun. The colour is beautiful, making her skin glow gold and bringing out the green flecks in her hazel eyes.
She's beautiful, he realises. She always has been, he's just never allowed himself to see it.
"Well," she muses, picking up her glass again, twisting her straw between her fingers, "you could always just… you know, stay at my place?"
He stares at her, open mouthed.
Kate tilts her chin in confusion, "what?"
"Stay at your place?" He repeats. "Are you sure?"
"Tony," Kate huffs, exasperated, "you've been living there for almost two weeks anyway. What's another three?"
Tony's mouth opens, then shuts, then opens again, giving him the appearance of a disgruntled goldfish.
"Unless you have somewhere else to to," Kate shrugs, playing at nonchalance, but he hears the bitterness in her tone, the insinuation she's trying to make.
On the contrary, he hasn't even thought about another woman in the time he's spent at hers. That thought should probably startle him more than it does, but he's a bit preoccupied with the fact that she's offering to let him stay.
Caitlin 'you're never getting my home address' Todd, wants him to live with her.
"Now hold on a second, that's not what I meant," he replies, holding up his hands in a placating gesture. "I just can't believe that you are willingly suggesting that I stay with you. The Kate I know would laugh at my misfortune and then tell me to ask Gibbs." He narrows his eyes at her suspiciously, "What have you done with her?"
Kate offers a dramatic eye roll, but pointedly ignores this comment. "Do I really have to say it?"
"Say what?" He asks, then lowers his voice conspiratorially, "Are you a hologram or something? Because if you are, I always wanted to know, do you-"
A slap on the head jolts him out of his rambling, and he stares at her, open-mouthed. He gets a glare in response. "You're getting way too comfortable doing that. You realise if Gibbs hires McGee that we have to present a united front, show him who's boss, you know?"
"DiNozzo" she interrupts. "I can't believe I'm about to say this, but it's been… kinda nice, having you around. Less lonely, you know? So if you really have nowhere else to go, I'd be happy to have you."
Tony pauses, considering. It has been nice, living with Kate. It's easy, easier than living with a woman ever has been in the past, even with their petty disagreements and light-hearted bickering.
However, it's also dangerous. It's dangerous because it's so easy. Tony has always had a problem with falling in love - it's what gives him the playboy reputation that Kate loves to throw in his face at every given opportunity. What saves him is that in order to stay in love with someone, he has to know them, and he usually finds an excuse to run away before that happens. Either that, or they simply no longer tolerate him, and leave before he has a chance to.
He likes it that way. It's safe, familiar. It's all he's ever known, especially since his failed engagement to Wendy. He knows how not to get hurt.
But Kate… Kate's different. She always has been, with her lack of tolerance for his bullshit and the way she's always seen right through his playful advances. He already knows her - they spend so much time together at work, rely on each other so much as partners that he has to. But getting to see her in her own home, being with her when she doesn't have anyone to hide from, no-one to put her emotional walls up for, it's risky. Because he already likes what he knows of Kate, so getting to know the real her? No inhibitions? It's absolutely terrifying.
Falling in love with Caitlin Todd could absolutely destroy Anthony DiNozzo.
Not to mention she's also completely off limits if he wants to keep his job. And entirely out of his league.
But then again, like she said, what's three weeks? They've already done two, after all. He can keep himself in line for another three weeks.
"Do I have to stay on the couch, or do I finally get the guest room back?"
She takes another sip. "Don't ask stupid questions."
He hears the no, even if she doesn't say it.
He grins.
"Deal."
—
The longer that Tony stays, the more they fall into their own routine.
Summer creeps in, the temperatures rising, hot days lengthening into warm evenings. Under the watchful eye of the sun, the threads of their individual lives slowly weave together.
It's subtle at first: little, convenient alterations.
Tony goes for a run first thing in the morning, crawling out of bed at 5am, pulling on his gear, and sliding out the door. The first two days of his extended stay with her, they argue relentlessly about it - Kate being an extremely light sleeper, and not appreciating his obnoxiously loud alarm and uncoordinated crashing around her apartment first thing in the morning. However, on the third morning of being woken up at the crack of dawn, instead of stomping out of her room to nag at him about it, she decides to use his habits to her advantage.
She joins him now, meeting the echo of his alarm with a loud groan before rolling out of her covers and into her workout gear. Her pre-work laziness has now been replaced by a five mile jog from her place around the local park, Tony shortening his strides to match hers as they run shoulder to shoulder in complete silence, bodies glistening with sweat under the rising sun.
Once they've hit their goal, they stop by her favorite coffee joint downtown, taking turns paying for each other's drinks - Kate's double-shot iced latte, Tony's large americano. If they've made good time, they'll sit on the curb outside and watch the sky, sipping under a haze of lavender, orange and gold, the air soothing on their skin. If they haven't, they'll jog back, coffees in hand, pushing and shoving and attempting to take each other out with carefully placed swipes to the ankle or knee. Kate's lost more drinks to the gutter than she can count, but the adrenaline is so thrilling that she can't find it in herself to care.
The other benefit of having Tony around is that she no longer has to do all the housework. After their run, Kate is able to shower and dress straight away, taking great care to rinse any lingering sweat from her skin. While she does, Tony makes breakfast.
This arrangement suits them well - they're both extremely stubborn and like to have their own way, so cooking together becomes a competitive sport rather than a daily necessity. There's also the added bonus of Tony being a surprisingly good cook, undoubtedly the result of being an only child having to fend for himself, as opposed to her 'baby of the family' status. Breakfast varies, depending on what she's bought for the week - eggs, sunny-side up, granola and mixed berries, homemade pancakes. Occasionally, they don't bother with it at all, instead choosing to hit up a drive thru on their way to work, Kate rolling her eyes from the passengers seat as Tony smiles winningly at the young blonde working the window.
It's nice, having one less thing to worry about in the morning.
For three weeks, they learn to become a formidable partnership in the home as well as on the field, finding a system that works and perfecting it until it runs like a well-oiled machine. Tony cooks the meals, Kate does the dishes. He doesn't have the patience for the ironing - so he does the laundry while she steams his shirts. Neither of them can stand vacuuming or dusting, so they take turns, the weekend chores suddenly taking a lot less time than they used to. On Saturdays, they put on the old stereo in Kate's lounge and listen to the weekend '90s hour while cleaning her apartment until the surfaces are gleaming. Once they're done, they collapse on the couch, Tony choosing an obscure movie from her collection that she's somehow never watched, and lie there together while he gives a running commentary, throwing out quotes, random facts and anecdotes that she pretends not to care about but make her smile nonetheless. Sundays, once spent alone eating takeout, are now the designated day for grocery shopping, the two of them taking turns to decide on their meals for the week, all while trying to sneak the items that they don't like out of the shopping cart behind the other ones back. On one occasion, Tony somehow convinces her to climb into the cart like a child and race across the parking lot towards her car at high speed, the pair of them laughing until they can't breathe, tears rolling down their faces.
It's the happiest Kate's felt in years.
Throughout all of this, they bicker, they tease, they throw insults, but it's all lighter than it used to be - attempts at poking fun rather than one-upping each other. It's clear, despite their constant jibes, that they've settled into an easiness, and when Kate climbs into her bed at night, the echo of his warm body still sidled up against hers, she thinks that her apartment doesn't feel lonely anymore.
That perhaps, it's no longer just hers.
—
When the three weeks are up, Tony gets the all clear from his building manager.
Neither of them speak of it.
Neither of them even mention him leaving.
Instead, they carry on with their new normal: morning runs becoming gym sessions as the heat rises, Saturday movies becoming nightly box-set binges on the couch, evening dinners at home becoming sneaky diner trips after work. They don't address it, but it's clear that neither of them want the surprising easiness they've found together to come to an end.
Still, they have to keep up appearances, otherwise people will start asking questions that they don't have answers to. So, they start making some minor adjustments, just to avoid raising suspicion: Kate waiting in the car for 12 minutes after Tony enters the office, Tony bragging about dates he hasn't been on, questions about weekend plans being answered with nondescript answers such as "Oh, you know, the usual."
Maybe part of them does feel slightly bad for withholding information from their colleagues, but they can't bring themselves to feel truly guilty when keeping something from them is so much fun. Especially when it's brought them together in a friendship neither of them has had before.
Tony observes from his desk as Gibbs rants about yet another broken cellphone (his fifth one this month), a rather stressed McGee flapping around him like an unruly pigeon. He and Kate sit on opposite sides of the bullpen, faces stoic behind their monitors as they try to pretend that whatever is happening isn't objectively hilarious. As Gibbs' voice continues to rise, and McGee's arms flail even faster, Tony watches Kate as she bites her bottom lip, a desperate attempt to hold in the laughter that he knows is coming.
In that moment, she glances up from her computer, her eyes catching his across the room. Upon seeing him watching, she cracks into a blinding smile, and all of her efforts to remain serious are wasted.
The full force of Gibbs' wrath is worth it purely for the way their laughter syncs.
In that moment, he decides he will do anything to ensure that their secret remains theirs.
Hope you enjoyed, until next time. X