Chapter 32, part 1.

The silence rang in Alice's ears. Carter wasn't looking at her—she was leaning back in her chair, observing something on the ceiling. Alice contemplated the possibility of being put in front of another court-martial, this time as the accused.

"I'm pulling the plug," the general said after a long while. She straightened up to look at Alice. "This operation is finished."

Alice almost would've preferred if she did accuse her. "It's a bit too late for that," she said, trying to appear calm.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I murdered someone to keep my cover. If you pull the plug now, it will have gone to waste."

"It's too dangerous."

"I don't care." Alice shrugged. "I've done what we wanted to do for years—I'm in. I have a direct connection to Varrel, I've got Rianna on my side, and now we know the Alliance is after Jareth, as well—sort of. They may not know what they're looking for, but if I can tap into Francesca's intel… this is what I've been working towards all this time. If I give up now, Castor's sacrifice will have been for nothing."

Carter's expression was worried, maybe even a little frightened. "Varrel is too unpredictable."

"He's not unreasonable," Alice replied, remembering the man sayimg the same about himself. "As long as he doesn't feel like I'm working against him, he's not gonna do anything to me. He thinks I'm an asset."

"I don't like it."

"Neither do I, ma'am. But Castor gave his life so I could continue this mission. I don't have a choice."

The general frowned. "You said that before, but from what I understood, they knew all about his stay here—wouldn't they have killed him anyway?"

"Yes, if I refused to do it, I'm sure Castor would've ended up dead anyway. And so would I and Rodriguez. But it's not about what I did but what he didn't do—he didn't give me up. He had been tortured and he didn't tell them about me. When they dragged him into the room, I was sure it was because he had spilled everything—about me being an Earthling, my plan to infiltrate them, maybe even about Jareth and our hunt after him. But he didn't. He kept his mouth shut knowing he would die."

"He probably expected to die anyway." Carter nodded, sadness in her voice almost palpable.

"Maybe. But, conceivably, he could've told them everything in the hopes that they would spare his life in exchange for all this information—and yet he didn't." Alice paused for a moment. "I think he wanted me to live so we would take care of his family."

Carter looked taken aback. "How do you figure?"

"The only thing he said was please, I have a family. And he looked at me just before that. I think he decided to keep his mouth shut because he knew we would get his family to safety."

"Do you know where they are?"

Alice shook her head. "But it shouldn't be too hard to figure out—Fourteen had contact with Castor's brother-in-law when they first brought him to us. We can go back to him, tell him his sister and niece are in danger and evacuate them—maybe including the brother and his family, just to be sure."

Carter nodded. "Okay, I'll get Fourteen to do that. But first I want to know what happened next."

Alice sighed and quickly summarized the remaining events. She focused on the highlights and completely skipped over the veiled insinuations Varrel was making throughout their conversation. There was no reason to give Carter more arguments for pulling the plug on the mission.

"Oh, if he just gave you the location of that planet of his…" Carter mused after Alice finished.

"Ha, I guess the universe thinks that would be too easy."

The general smiled blandly. "Yeah, guess so." Then she sighed. "I understand your point better now—this does seem like a big breakthrough. But, Alice, it's still so dangerous…"

"Every time we step through the Gate, we risk our lives," Alice reiterated, striving for patience.

"This is quite a bit different."

"Either way, it's a risk I'm willing to take."

"For Rodriguez, too?" Carter asked astutely.

Alice grimaced and didn't respond.

"Right." The general got onto her feet, prompting Alice to stand up as well. "I'm gonna discuss this with O'Neill and Chapman. I still think it's too dangerous."

Alice followed Carter into her office. "What about Castor?"

The older officer looked at her with her eyebrows raised. "What about him? If you mean his family—"

"No. I mean—I killed him. I murdered a man in cold blood. Shouldn't there be some sort of investigation?"

Carter sighed, dropping onto her leather chair. "You didn't murder him, Alice. It was nothing more than self-defense. You said it yourself—if you had refused, someone else would've pulled that trigger and then they would've killed you. And Rodriguez. And Castor would've been just as dead."

Alice bit her lip. "It doesn't seem right."

"It's not right. It's just what it is."

She looked away. "It was Varrel's argument, too, you know. That it was self-defense because Castor was a traitor, a threat to the Alliance."

There was a momentary silence before Carter spoke, her voice soft. "I'm sorry, Alice. I know it wasn't easy. But you did the right thing."

"No." Alice shook her head, looking back at her mentor. "I did what I had to. It had nothing to do with being right."

"It's not always black and white." Carter nodded. "At least now I understand why you wanted to be debriefed solo."

"I'm gonna tell Rodriguez, I just…" Alice hesitated.

"You weren't sure what my reaction would be." Carter sighed again. "Major, no matter how I feel about the level of danger you're willing to go into for this mission, I cannot deny that you've done an incredibly good job. You've not only successfully infiltrated the Lucian Alliance, but got a personal connection with its infamous leader. And all that in less than a year. It's impressive. And I trust you to continue to do well, I just don't want you to pay too high a price."

"Me neither," Alice agreed. "But if it's between living on with the knowledge that I could've done something, or dying doing something—that's a very simple decision."

"Well. It's not your decision anymore. I'll let you know what it is after I've spoken to O'Neill and Chapman."

"Yes, ma'am."

"I'm gonna call Captain Brown in now to plan their rescue mission for Castor's family. You might want to visit Doctor Green before you clock out today."

Alice sighed. She knew it wasn't really a suggestion—or not one she could ignore, anyhow. "Yes, ma'am. Thank you."

The Nebraska Innovation Campus was quite new, Alice knew, only built a year prior, and it was visible in the pristine look of the buildings and trimmed greenery. The insides were no less sterile, with sleek modern furnishings and an abundance of natural light; it was now crowded with people—mostly very young ones. The majority of the conference-goers were students of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, Wesleyan, Doane, Concordia and other universities and colleges in the vicinity. The older attendees included industry professionals—people from aerospace and technology companies—and various scientific organizations—science journalists, geeks and relatively fewer actual researchers and academics. Alice, with her meager size and youthful appearance, didn't really stand out from the crowd. It suited her well—she could spend most of the conference sipping a non-alcoholic drink and blending with the background.

She was doing just that, during a break in the program, when suddenly a familiar face emerged from the crowd and stood in front of her.

"Alice!" Chiyo Ishikawa-Newman greeted her enthusiastically. "How nice to see you again! What are you doing here?"

Alice returned Chiyo's little bow. "Hi, Chiyo, nice to see you, too. I imagine the same as you—attending the conference."

"Of course, silly me!" Chiyo clapped her hand on her forehead. "Oh—and I see you're a presenter, too!" She pointed to the plastic badge pinned to Alice's blouse. "What are you going to be talking about?"

Alice wondered how well Chiyo read the program that outlined each lecture and presentation, including her own. "Quantum information transfer."

"I'm an astronomer, not a physicist," Chiyo reminded her. "Translation, please?"

Alice chuckled. "You may think of it as teleportation."

"Teleportation? Really?"

"It's theoretical, of course," Alice rushed to add. "We're still far away from a practical application, but the current research is quite promising."

Chiyo shook her head. "It sounds ridiculous—but then again, CMB does to most people, as well."

"All science sounds like magic to a layperson," Alice said musingly.

"I guess." Chiyo cocked her head to the side. "And how are you doing, Alice? I don't think I've seen you since the wedding."

"There's been a lot happening," Alice dodged.

"Oh, yes, I've seen you on the news!" Chiyo smirked, but then grew serious again. "Plus whatever it was that happened between you and Aaron."

Alice looked away. "It's complicated."

"It's not really, though, is it?" Chiyo pressed. "I haven't known you guys for a very long time—certainly compared to Zach—but even I could see it. The way Aaron looked at you, at the reunion, at our wedding…"

"I don't really want to talk about it." Alice tried to reign in the irritation that was overcoming her. Keep it together, Boyd.

But Chiyo wouldn't let it go. "He misses you, you know. A lot. He doesn't say anything, but we're concerned—Zach's concerned. It's almost like he's depressed. You can't tell me you don't care about that."

With the anger bubbling very close to the surface, Alice couldn't help the sharpness in her tone. "This is none of your business. Stay out of it." Then she took a deep breath. "Excuse me. I'm gonna get some air."

"Sorry, I didn't mean—" Chiyo said, but Alice was already walking away, maneuvering between the throngs of people. She was fuming. What gave Chiyo the right to talk to her like that? Accuse her of—of intentionally hurting Aaron?! She had no idea about—about any of it! Alice would never do that. She couldn't help what happened—it was Aaron's decision to declare himself… she couldn't help it.

But maybe he couldn't, either. She was outside by now, walking blindly across the campus. Green had said it—maybe he had to tell her how he felt for his own mental well-being. He'd been hiding it for so long… Was it really true that he loved her all this time? Not just as a friend—but more? He's always been dating someone, but it never really got serious until Jeanie—the woman he was with for over a year until he learned she had a child she had neglected to mention. It was the lie that broke them apart, and he was quite devastated. They had started dating some two years after Alice left to join the Air Force… and then there was Sarah, of course. But that was it—Aaron's been with many girls before and in between, but these two were his only serious relationships. I tried to ignore it, I tried to find happiness somewhere else, he'd said. But I can't. Because, deep down, I've always known it's only you. It's always been only you.

If that was how he really felt—could she blame him for saying so? She was the best example of what happened to a person when they swallowed their feelings for too long. But where did that leave her? He was her friend, she never meant to hurt him. Was he really depressed?

She realized she'd made it to the parking lot. She wasn't aware she was heading this way, but at least it was quiet here. No other people. She found her rental car and got in, but didn't turn the engine on. She didn't have anywhere to go. And she had to be back within an hour for her presentation, anyway.

She sat there for a few minutes, trying to grapple with the enormity of her confused emotions. She couldn't help what had happened—but she didn't want Aaron to hurt. The idea that Aaron was in pain was making her own heart very heavy. It was one thing to miss him—quite a different one knowing that he missed her, that he was hurting over her. But there was nothing she could do about it. They couldn't go back to being friends, not after all this. And she could still only offer him friendship… couldn't she?

"Fuck it," she said loudly, turning the engine on. The radio came on and she raised the volume so that it was almost deafening. She programmed the GPS and started driving—aggressively and too fast, almost hoping to be stopped by a cop. But none appeared and she made it to the quiet, residential street only ten minutes away from the Campus. She parked in front of a nice-looking medium-sized house, but didn't get out of the car immediately. Was she really going to harass the poor woman, eight years after she'd lost her husband? Alice almost decided to turn back when a pickup appeared behind her on the road and swerved into the driveway right in front of her, overtaking her on the left. It didn't make it into the garage, though; a man in an elegant suit came out of it and he turned towards Alice.

Did she have the wrong house? She decided it would be rude to just take off right now—if the man lived here, he'd probably want to know what a strange car was doing in front of his house. So Alice got out of her rental and met the man on the sidewalk.

"Can I help you?" He asked, giving her a thorough once-over. His eyes stopped on her chest and she suddenly remembered the big red badge that said SPEAKER was still pinned there.

"Hi, I'm looking for an old acquaintance—do you know if Laura Spinner lives here by any chance?" Alice asked politely, cursing herself in her head for not getting rid of the badge before coming.

"Spinner," he repeated. "What do you want from her?"

"I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd come by. I served with her husband," Alice explained.

"I'm her husband," the man announced. "And she's no longer named Spinner—Laura Kendall is her name, now."

"Oh." It explained his presence at what she knew was Laura's current address—she'd checked it in the personnel database before coming to Nebraska. "Sorry, sir. I meant her first husband, Malcolm."

He nodded. "The one who died." He looked back at the house. "Laura was terribly affected for a long time afterwards, but she's doing better now. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to remind her of him."

"I'm sorry. You're right, of course. I just thought I'd check in on her—we lost contact after Malcolm's death. I'm glad she's doing better," Alice said, taking a step back and half-turning towards her car. But then the door to the house opened with a thud and a boy, no more than eight years old, ran out of it with a gleeful cry.

"Ben!"

The man pivoted around and opened his arms. The boy ran into them and they hugged each other closely. Behind them, a woman appeared in the open doors and looked at the scene with a frown on her face.

"Hey, there, Mal, how was your day, little man?" Ben asked, straightening up from the hug.

"We went to the zoo! I saw giraffes!" Mal replied enthusiastically and then noticed Alice. "Who's your friend?"

"Oh, I was just leaving," she said, her eyes plastered to the boy in front of her: the same trimmed brown hair, same full cheekbones, same nose. He had Laura's eyes, but the face was Malcolm's without a doubt.

"I guess it's too late for that," Ben contradicted, nodding towards the house. Laura was still standing there, her face a little paler than when she first appeared, but she waved them towards her. It was hard not to notice that she was heavily pregnant. "Come in."

Alice sighed and followed them up the driveway.

"Lieutenant Boyd," Laura greeted her, her voice warm. "Or what is it now—Captain?"

"Major," Alice corrected dismissively. "But it doesn't matter—please call me Alice. It's lovely to see you, Mrs. Kendall."

"Laura, please." She stepped back to allow them to get into the house. "Will you come in?"

"I don't have a lot of time—I was over at the Nebraska Innovation Campus for a conference and thought I'd come by to see how you were."

"That's very kind of you." Laura smiled; she was still a bit pale, but she didn't seem too shaken. "Please, come in, I insist—I'll get us some coffee."

"Thank you," Alice said; she wasn't supposed to drink coffee at this hour in the afternoon, but was happy to have an excuse. She went in and followed them all to the living room.

"Why don't I make the coffee? And Mal can help me," Ben offered. Mal didn't look too glad, be he went after him.

Alice and Laura sat down, Laura with some degree of difficulty due to her large belly.

"So you're attending a conference at the NIC?" Laura asked after settling herself comfortably. "What sort of conference is it?"

"Great Plains Summit on Physical Phenomena and Innovation," Alice recited. "It's an annual event, held in a different city and state every year all over the region. This year it's Lincoln."

"That sounds indeed interesting, but I thought you were a pilot, like Malcolm was?"

Alice nodded. "I was. But a lot has happened since then. I was… injured on a mission and used the time it took to heal to start graduate studies. I now hold a PhD in computer engineering, but I dabble with other kinds of sciences, as well."

Laura looked impressed—and a little taken aback. "I remember Malcolm telling me you were always tinkering with stuff, but this is quite a different thing—and I see you're a speaker at this conference?" She pointed to the badge on Alice's chest.

Alice laughed embarrassedly. "Oh, yes, I forgot to take it off." She did it now and hid it in a pocket. "You know, it's been almost eight years… like I said, a lot has happened. And what about you? How are you doing?"

Laura smiled. "Good. Better than I ever thought I would. It was quite difficult at the beginning… but now I have a husband I love, a son I adore and a daughter on the way." She paused and added a bit melancholically: "I still miss Malcolm, you know. I wish he could see his son."

Alice nodded soberly. "He looks just like him—except for the eyes, he's got your eyes."

"Yes. He's a great boy. A little trouble-maker, to be sure, but with a heart of gold, like his daddy was… and Ben's been a godsend. Little boys need men in their lives they can look up to."

"He seems like a good guy," Alice agreed. "I'm glad to see you're doing well."

"I wasn't, for a long time. Dealing with the pregnancy and then a newborn all on my own… It was hard. Both my parents and Malcom's helped, but—it was hard. I think it took me a year to get out of the house." She sighed. "And another two to start putting myself out there. Can you believe I actually met Ben on ?" She laughed.

"Seems it worked out pretty good." Alice smiled.

"There were a few false starts," Laura admitted lightly. "But, yeah, I ended up with exactly the kind of man I needed. Ben's an accountant," she added with a wink, but then her expression grew serious. "I didn't want to worry about… well, you know."

"Yes." Alice nodded, but didn't say anything else because Ben and Mal came back, bearing coffee and cookies.

"How do you know my mom?" Mal asked as soon as he deposited the bowl of cookies on the table.

Alice looked at Laura, unsure if she wanted her to tell him the truth, but Laura nodded.

"I served with your father," Alice explained. "We lived on the same base in Nevada for a while."

"Oh, you knew my dad!" He seemed enthused. Alice noted that Ben looked less pleased. "He flew fighter jets, you know!"

"I know, I flew them with him." Alice was unable to help a smirk. "He was my frontseater when I was still in training. That means that he steered the plane from the front seat while I managed navigation and weapons system from the back," she explained.

"Oooh, how cool!" Mal sat at the edge of his seat. "Can you tell me about him?"

"He was an excellent pilot," Alice recalled. "And a good teacher. But what I remember best about him is how kind and warm he was. We became good friends, even though he outranked me; he had this way of putting everyone at ease. I was very young and rather shy and he made me feel braver and more open. Your dad and one other friend named Christopher, they were my best friends in the Air Force. Really my only friends there at the time."

"How is Christopher?" Laura interjected. "Have you heard from him at all since then?"

"Oh, yes, he's doing fine," Alice confirmed. "I haven't talked to him in person for a while—nearly two years, in fact—but we e-mail sometimes. He's still in the Service, a major now, as well, and he's married to a lovely engineer named Doctor Elisa Lamarr."

"Oh, that's nice." Laura smiled. "Good to hear you're all doing so well."

I wouldn't go that far, Alice thought, but kept her tongue. It would bring no comfort to Laura to know some of the other people she had known from Groom Lake were gone now—like Allen and Fiona Trove. Or that Alice was only doing fine on paper.

"So where are you posted now? Still Groom Lake?" Laura asked after a few seconds of silence.

"No, I left there in 2006 and moved on to the Air Force Institute of Technology for three years to get my PhD," Alice explained. "Then I was overseas for a while and now I'm in Colorado Springs, for a year already."

"Overseas," Ben repeated, looking interested in spite of the antipathy he was trying to hide. "Where was that?"

"Misawa Air Base in Japan," Alice lied lightly. "Quite a different world."

"Ooooh, I love Japan!" Mal exclaimed.

"He loves anime," Laura explained condescendingly. "Has no idea about Japan itself."

"Hey, that's not true!" The boy protested, but apparently had no arguments to counterstrike.

Ignoring his step-son, Ben gazed at Alice pensively. "You know you seem weirdly familiar to me—is it possible we've met before?"

Alice sighed, shaking her head. "Not likely. You've probably seen me on TV. I was on quite a lot a few months ago, during the trial for the BA 218 hijackers."

He clapped his thigh in recognition. "Yes! You were the one who stopped it—the BA 218 hero!"

Alice grimaced. "I don't like that name," she murmured, hiding behind her coffee mug.

"That's right!" Laura's eyes were big. "How did I not make the connection?"

"It really wasn't that big of a deal."

"So is it true? Are we in a space arms race with China?" Ben asked eagerly, his earlier reluctance totally forgotten.

"I can't comment on that," Alice repeated her old mantra, but she caught a little smirk from Laura and wondered how much she knew about the Program.

"How maddeningly mysterious!" He shook his head. "Doesn't it get tiring sometimes? Living with all these secrets?"

"Yes," Alice admitted. "Especially in terms of relationships—not being able to tell the whole truth about your life to your close ones, you know, friends and family… That's tough. I hardly care what other people think, but that one's hard." She paused reflectively and then added: "At least I have my brother."

"Your brother?"

"He's a Marine, now in the Reserves, but he used to work at the same base as I did," Alice explained. "So he's got some idea what I do. Oh, and my cousin now, too, I guess, though he only vaguely knows what it is."

"Your cousin's in the military, too?"

Alice laughed nervously. "Most of my family is or was. My dad was in the Navy, I have an uncle in the Army, cousin in the Air Force, brother in the Marines and even a second cousin in the Coast Guard."

"Wow. Suddenly I feel so ordinary!" Ben joked, but his expression was quite sour all of a sudden. Perhaps he was reminded that his wife's first husband was a war hero and he was merely an accountant.

"Well, a military family is what's ordinary for me," Alice said reassuringly. "Besides, I don't see what's wrong with ordinary. Living your life in peace, away from danger… doesn't sound too bad." She looked at Laura.

The woman smiled and nodded, putting her hand on her husband's shoulder. "Not bad at all."

"I think being a soldier is cool," Mal proclaimed, ruining their attempts, but fortunately Ben seemed mollified enough. He even laughed.

"Of course you would!"

Alice looked at her watch. "I'm sorry, it's been lovely to talk to you but I actually have to get back. My presentation is about to start in less than twenty minutes."

"Oh, of course. Thank you for stopping by—it's been lovely to catch up," Laura scrambled to her feet, aided by Ben.

"Indeed. And it was lovely to meet you both," Alice told Ben and Mal. They shook hands and remained behind while Laura walked her back to the door. Alice was already over the threshold when Laura stopped her.

"You know you were right," she said softly. "At the funeral—you told me knowing that Malcolm died for something would make a difference. And it did. Especially for Mal. He never got to meet his dad, but at least he knows he was a hero."

Alice nodded, thinking about her own father and how much it changed everything, knowing that his death wasn't pointless, that he died saving a comrade.

"Malcolm would be so proud of him," Alice told her. "And he would be so glad that you found happiness, too."

"Yeah. I used to feel like every tiny moment I felt happy was a betrayal, you know. But Malcolm wouldn't want me to spend my life sad and lonely."

Alice smiled woefully, the parallel with her own loss too stark to ignore. "No, he wouldn't," she agreed. "Goodbye, Laura. And good luck with your next little one."

Laura laughed. "Thanks. I'm told raising a girl is easier—I guess we'll see. Goodbye, Alice."

Alice nodded, turned around and walked back to her car, feeling no less emotionally confused than when she had arrived there.

The cursor was blinking in and out of existence like a never-ending reminder of the unfinished report, taunting her stalled progress. How on Earth was she supposed to put into words the terrifying, but also weirdly exhilarating hours spent one on one with Varrel while she taught him how to configure his Gate, dancing at the sharp edge between enticing him and pushing him away? It was merely their third meeting, but she could already see that Varrel's unspoken attraction to her would be her most important instrument. She had to use it, she had to play it well—but she didn't want to contemplate where this path could lead. She knew Carter wouldn't allow it, under no circumstances—and that meant Alice had to be very careful how she worded her debriefings and reports. It was a small miracle that the mission was allowed to continue at all; Carter's objections were dismissed by the President and the IOA alike, and the New Light went on without so much as a break.

The weird part was that, now that Alice knew Varrel wasn't suspecting her—at least for now—the game became kind of fun. Varrel was a handsome man; ruthless and cruel, for sure, but also smart; and unquestionably powerful. Alice wasn't too impressed, but Nova was. There were moments when she felt like she was going insane, having two distinct personalities in her brain, and so the slow but continuous merging of the two personas gave her a bit of relief. It also scared her sometimes—because as much as Alice appearing when Nova was needed was dangerous in case someone noticed, Nova appearing in Alice's life was also alarming… though not always unwelcome. Nova was braver and less concerned with other people's feelings than Alice.

She sighed and started typing, her words flowing slowly and reluctantly; but a minute later she stopped, noticing a notification that appeared in the bottom-right corner of the screen. It was an e-mail with an intriguing title: Are you THE Alice?

She frowned and clicked it open. It came from an account named StarrStan69 .

Hi, the letter started.

You're probably wondering what kind of a lunatic is contacting you with such a cryptic message. But I HAVE to know. Are you the Alice Aaron Starr keeps talking about?! I've been trying to locate her for literal years, but he's never mentioned her last name. I've only recently made the connection. Alice Boyd, the BA 218 hero! Zach mentioned you in his Tweets. And if Zach knows you, maybe you're Aaron's Alice? Please, you HAVE to let me know. I run the official Aaron Starr's fanclub here in New York, and the biggest Aaron Starr stan account on Twitter and Instagram, and the second-biggest on Tumblr. It would mean a WORLD to me to know that I actually found the right Alice! You have no idea how much work it was to even find your email address! I had to find someone who's in the military to tell me what's the email naming convention and domain, and I figured out your email from there! Or I hope I did, I guess I'll find out if this email bounces, haha! Anyway, please let me know if you're her! I have a TON of questions! Are you and Aaron an item? He always calls you his best friend, but nobody speaks so much about a friend, best or not, haha! Besides, men and women can't be friends, unless they're gay, that is. How do you know Aaron? How come you never come to his concerts even though he talks about you in almost every single one? What's up with that?

Please, write me back!

Below, he included a link to a YouTube video. Alice stared at the email for a long while, trying to digest it. It always surprised her whenever she witnessed just how famous Aaron was—but this was just excessive. And what was a stan account?

Did Aaron really mention her on his concerts? Why would he do that? What did he say? It was confusing. They used to be friends, sure—but she had no relation to his music career. Of course, she attended a few concerts, and she listened to the albums, and talked him throughout his creative process sometimes, but it's not like she was writing his songs for him or whatever. What could he be saying?

She hesitated with the cursor hovering over the link. Then her curiosity won over common sense and she clicked it. The video was dark and grainy, clearly shot on a smartphone. The visibility was poor and the sound little better. But she could still make out Aaron, his long brown hair let loose and messy, indicating he had been head-banging before, and hear his voice clear enough to understand it. This next song is my best friend's favorite on this new album… Well, actually what she said was "not too bad", but Alice doesn't give her praise too lightly, so it's tantamount to a highest commendation! His tone was joking and then the first notes of The old faithful, a track from the band's last original album, started sounding, but then the video cut to another scene: different venue, slightly more light, but tinted blue, and the video seemed less grainy. A different day, different concert. So a few weeks ago I was on the road with my best friend, and we stumbled into this bar. It was, like midday, and we were just eating some lunch when these three hulks accosted us, and I'll tell you, my heart stopped! But Alice, she was unflappable, she got them to apologize to us politely and go their own way by appealing to their sense of honor. Never seen three six-something brawny guys retreat from a five-four hundred pounds woman like that! Any feisty women here tonight with us? Yeah, make some noise! Shouts and whistles followed, and then the scene changed again. Yet another gig. So the next song isn't on any album yet, but we wanna know if you like it! The lyrics are inspired by something my bestie Alice has told me not long ago—that just because you don't know how you feel, doesn't mean you don't feel anything. This is a song about that emotional confusion that comes when you don't know how to feel about a situation… New scene, new stage. So I wrote this song years and years ago, but we've recently re-discovered it. It was inspired by the lectures my best friend Alice's dad used to give us on duty and honor—he was in the Navy and we were very fascinated, like sixteen year old boys usually are! He died a year later in the line of duty—and now both his kids, my besties, are in the service, and so it seems apt to revive the song. So here it is…

Alice closed up the page. There was still at least twenty minutes of the video, but she's had enough. Seeing Aaron, so much younger, keep talking about her from the stage in that way hurt. She missed him so much—his soothing presence, his light laughter, his unobtrusive advice, his easy conversation… Watching him like this was hard because it brought to the forefront again everything she'd lost. She heard his voice echoing in her mind, saying I have loved you for what seems like forever. How could've she not seen it before? How could've she missed this? Maybe if she had figured it out before, she could've prevented it somehow. Maybe if you had known before, you would've gotten together with him years ago, and never fallen for Karim, a little treacherous voice whispered in the recesses of her mind.

She pursed her lips, clicked back to the e-mail and deleted it. StarrStan69 would have to keep wondering about who was the right Alice. She didn't intend to have anything to do with that. Then she got up, locked her computer and picked up her purse. She wasn't done with the report, but she was tired and it would still be there in the morning.

She tried everything to distract herself from thoughts about Aaron on the way back home, but he was still firmly stuck on her mind when she parked in the garage and walked in. Hearing some pots banging around in the kitchen, she directed her steps there.

"Oh, Alice, you're home early!" Deanna said, beaming at the sight of her. "How nice!"

"Where's Dalia?" Alice sat down at the island. She didn't want to be alone at the moment—someone else's presence forced her to keep her focus outside, and introspection was the last thing she needed right now.

"Cleaning the bathroom upstairs. She's incredibly conscientious for a teenager," Deanna praised. Alice hid a smirk. Dalia had periods when she acted like a typical sixteen year old, and then she would remember her 'life debt' and go on a service kick—which usually meant that she would clean the entire house, organize Alice's office (which wasn't always welcome—Alice had a system), do grocery runs or cook meals. It would gradually fade and then another period of normal teenage behavior took over, until the next time she decided to be useful. Alice had to admit, though, that at least Dalia was keeping with her study schedule; dull as she found it, she continued her education in all things Earth, not just school subjects but cultural aspects as well—traditions and customs, the way people spoke and behaved, and she did a good job blending in. Alice guessed it wasn't that surprising considering Dalia's past with the Alliance—she had to learn how to fit in with different crowds from an early age. But the girl was about to go to an American high school for the first time in about a month, and Alice was worrying how it would go. Would the other kids accept her? She was going to start in grade nine, even though she was officially fifteen years old, so technically should be a sophomore. That would already set her apart, and then there were all the other little quirks… she's been a diligent student, but kids could be very cruel. Sure, they didn't compare with blood-thirsty criminals from Alliance, but it was still going to be a challenge. On the other hand, Dalia did make friends with some peers from Crawford's community outreach organization, so maybe she's learned enough to make it through the jungle of high school cliques, factions and gangs.

"Yeah, she has her moments," Alice agreed distractedly. "How was your day, Dee?"

Deanna grinned brilliantly. "Oh, great. I got to see that dress—the wedding gown, I told you about it, right? The woman bought it off the Internet and it came out all wrong. I've been trying to fix it for the last few days. She came in for a fitting today, and it was awesome! She looked like a thousand bucks in it, and I have to tell you, I don't think there's anything better than seeing a woman convinced her wedding day was going to be a nightmare suddenly feel hopeful again!"

Alice smiled. "That's great, Dee. Congratulations."

"Thanks." She beamed again, turning around to go back to cooking. She looked over her shoulder at Alice as she continued to speak. "And how was your day? And night! You didn't come home again."

Alice rolled her eyes at the again. "It was alright. I got stuck teaching something to someone who wasn't very pleasant." It was an extreme understatement, but she couldn't say much more.

"And Charlie was there with you?" Deanna asked innocently.

Alice sighed. "Sort of. Why?"

"Oh, nothing, just that he didn't reply to my texts." There was a bit of resentment in her tone.

"We don't always have our phones with us when we're working," Alice replied vaguely, wondering how on Earth she was going to deal with this budding new romance. At least that meant Dee must have been thoroughly over her.

Dee looked at Alice again, and she seemed a little bummed. "Yeah, but now you're home and still no text…"

I really don't want to be your intermediary, Dee, she sighed inwardly, but out loud she defended her team member: "He's probably still finishing up his report. I sort of gave up on mine tonight," she admitted. "I was tired."

Deanna turned her whole body this time to face her. "But you're alright?" She asked, concerned.

"Yeah, Dee, I'm fine. Just tired, I promise."

The younger woman raised her eyebrows. "Charlie's worried about you, you know."

This surprised Alice. "He said that?"

"Not in so many words—but I could tell, you know?" And then Dee grinned and added: "You know we initially bonded over our shared crush on you."

Alice blinked quickly, now shocked. "What?"

"Oh, you didn't know?" Dee's grin turned into a sly smirk. "Charlie's had a crush on you, too, since the first time he met you."

"Oh god…" Alice moaned. Was she not safe anywhere from stupid crushes?

"Relax, he would never act on it," Deanna added, waving her hand dismissively. "He's a good boy who knows his place."

"Act on it!" Alice bristled. "Dee, he's not just my subordinate, he's a kid."

"Oi! He's twenty-two!" Deanna seemed a little offended by that argument.

Alice rolled her eyes. "I know it doesn't seem so outrageous to you because there's only four years of difference between you two, but I'm over thirty."

"Yeah, I know—but isn't he very mature for his age, anyway?" Dee turned back to the counter and her vegetable chopping.

"Sure, he is," Alice capitulated. It was clear that Dee was infatuated with the boy. It happened so fast! Maybe it was for the best. Morgan was a good kid, and so was Deanna, and they both deserved to find joy, even if it complicated Alice's life. Besides, their new relationship afforded her the opportunity to ask this next question. "What else did he say—or not say—about me?"

Dee threw her a surprised look. "Why are you asking?"

"Well, he's the youngest member of my team, and the lowest of rank, even after the last promotion. He's never going to tell me upfront what he thinks about me—whether I'm a good boss, a good leader, you know?"

"Oh! You want feedback to know if you're doing a good job!" Deanna understood. "I don't know if I should talk to you about such things…" She hesitated.

"You don't have to if you feel uncomfortable," Alice reassured her. "I'm just curious. I'm trying my best, but this is my first command."

"Well—I don't think you have anything to worry about, let's put it like that," Deanna said carefully. "Only…"

"Only what?"

"I think Charlie's bored a little," she finally revealed. "Again, he didn't say it outright, but he said that you're always doing such amazing things, and—and it sounded like he was sad that he couldn't."

Alice sighed. "I see." It was nothing she didn't expect—recently Watson's and Morgan's work had been very limited. While Alice and Rodriguez walked right into the belly of the beast, the B Team had to hang back and wait for signal that wasn't coming. "I don't think that's something you should worry about," she echoed Dee's earlier words. "Boring is safe."

"Would you prefer boring?"

"Not for me," Alice acknowledged. "But for my loved ones… You have no idea how glad I am that Jake got out and I don't have to worry about him constantly."

Deanna didn't say anything for a moment while she finished chopping and threw the veggies into a pan. Then she turned around, wiping her hands on a kitchen towel, and sat down in front of Alice. "You're still mourning your guy?"

It was a more direct question that Alice had ever expected to hear from anyone other than Doctor Green. But she nodded seriously. "I'm never going to stop mourning him, Dee." Then she sighed. "Or anyone else I lost to this job."

Deanna frowned. "Anyone else?"

The list of names and faces ran in Alice's mind like a morbid reel of the fallen, the unrelenting toll of the dangerous life she had chosen. "I visited my old friend's wife while in Lincoln," she said blandly. "He was one of the first people in the Air Force whom I could really call friends. I was twenty-three when he died. I hadn't seen his wife since the funeral and I decided to use the opportunity and check up on her. Their son is almost eight now."

"I'm sorry," Dee whispered, horrified.

"She was the one who told me boring is better," Alice added. "Well, she didn't exactly use that word—but her new husband is an accountant. And she seemed really glad that the most she has to worry about in terms of dangers waiting for him at his job is carpal tunnel."

Deanna sighed heavily. "I guess. But when you're the boring one, having someone that brings some excitement into your life is really nice."

Alice chuckled and shook her head, but didn't respond. For a long moment, they were both quiet, the only sound in the room the sizzling of the veggies on hot oil in the pan.

"I guess it's not a totally dark thing, though," Deanna finally said, musingly. "At least she had found love again, right?"

"Right." Alice nodded, remembering the affectionate glances Laura exchanged with Ben.

"So maybe you could, too?" Deanna added uncertainly.

Alice let out a long breath. "I don't know, Dee." The idea still seemed foreign, inappropriate to her. Sure, she's had an adventure with John Derby while in London, but it meant nothing. And a relationship? That was a whole different thing. Laura's voice echoed in her head. Malcolm wouldn't want me to spend my life sad and lonely. Karim wouldn't want her sad and lonely, either, would he? She's lost her future with him… but did that mean she had no future at all?

"Why don't you try?" Deanna encouraged softly. "You don't have to go through with it if it doesn't feel right."

Alice nodded slowly. "I don't even know how people meet other people outside of work." The only person she's ever been with that wasn't somehow connected to her job was Stephen Foster, and that had been a one-night-stand.

"Tinder," Dee replied immediately. "OkCupid. . PlentyOfFish."

Alice cocked her head to the side. "Are you feeling alright? You've started speaking in tongues."

Deanna laughed out loud. "I mean dating apps, you dinosaur!" She slapped the surface of the island with her hand in mirth. "Let me finish making dinner and I'll help you set up a profile!"