(YM)
It was all my fault. It was all my fucking fault. After months of surgery and manipulation, he was gone. The Hinata Hajime I knew disappeared and it was ALL. MY. FAULT. I knew this would happen. Obviously. It was the end goal of this entire operation. Then why did it still hurt? I was a complete dumbass for letting myself get this close. Of course he would become this new identity whether or not the Steering Committee choose me, but God, I should've kept my distance. I knew better than to let myself experience anywhere near some stupid friendship again.
Why did everyone in my life have to leave or go insane? First Mom with her condition, then Junko with her obsession, Mukuro with her disappearance, and now Hinata with his insecurity. Even worse, I caused him to slip away with my own hands. I couldn't blame medical conditions or any events, only myself. Sure, the old bastards were the ones who wrote up and set this plan in motion. Still, aren't I just as guilty for agreeing to get on board? I didn't know he was clueless. I didn't even know him! I didn't know anything besides the end goal. Those evil old men lied to me saying Hinata knew everything and was nutty enough to consent. He didn't know shit. All that aside, I surely have to be brainless to let myself get hurt again. This time it was a guarantee from the start. At first, my denial was so extreme that it bordered on comical. I thought depression surfaced from not remembering his past or from being in that room constantly, but he didn't bounce back like before.
He continued to get worse. A full week later and he stayed different. No jokes, no banter, nothing, not even a smile. Hell, he barely reacted to anything I said or did. Goddammit! I want my friend back. I just want to talk to him again. I'd dish out sarcastic remarks about his looks or personality, only to be met with a smirking comeback. After the last surgery, he would only be passive. A pressence about him was gone like he died and now a ghost possessed his body to curse me. When I try to talk to him, he tells me about how everything is boring and predictable. Just like her. Was a God trying to tell me something?
Over and over, I kept going over everything. A week of denial led to a meltdown years in the making. Going over everyone who changed, even people I didn't care about. All these pent up emotions came out in a fit of shaking sobs alone in my dorm room. Summer break barely started and here I was crying like a lost child. The room itself reminded me of how I had the option to go back home for the break. However, Dad represented just another changed person. I stared down at my hands as the teardrops roll off them. It made it that much more pathetic. What was I getting so worked up for? A person I knew for a few months? I needed to calm down. I focused on my breathing to stop the crying, but tears kept falling. Oh, what a magical night. Lying in bed, serenaded by the sweet sound of my own sobs. Nothing quite like crying myself to sleep to really cap off a perfect day. Seriously, how childish could I be?
Well, would you look at that—I actually cried, and for the first time since I was a kid. Guess miracles do happen. Rubbing my eyes to adjust, I laid there a moment. My thoughts gathered the reality of my situation. How long had it been since I let myself break like that? Usually my breaks were days were I'd isolate myself more or attempted talk to Junko about the iceberg's tip of my issues before she'd get me to spill everything. Thank God she wasn't here for this. Rolling over, I looked at my phone to check the time. Oh speak of the devil, 5 missed calls from her. Ugh, how did she always know when I was slipping? Without a moments hesitation, I called her back. Partially hoping she was calling for some other reason than her instincts telling on me.
"Hello?" She answered the phone quickly like she watched it waiting for me. Her voice sounded normal. No over the top giddiness or fake crying, just her. "Hey, why did you call me? You okay?" I tried to turn this on her. That way she would talk about herself instead of asking me to open up. "...You sound hoarse. I knew something was going on." Of course my plan didn't work. I shook my head, although she couldn't see me. I should've known she wouldn't fall for that. "No. I'm alright, just woke up. I napped so hard that I forgot what day it was." She saw through this immediately. Obviously, she would. I was in no position to come up with anything to challenge her. Scoffing before continuing, she used that tone. A concerned one that reminded me of why I fell in love with her. She sounded like a angel giving me all her grace. Gross - I know.
"Yasuke. You don't have to act tough around me all the time, y'know. I'm not gonna abandon you just because you show some emotion. I like it when you open up to me. It's special." Junko paused. In that second, I wondered what I could possibly tell her about this. Even if I knew she wouldn't do anything insane with the knowledge, the truth is too much. Part of me didn't want to vocalize it, because that would make it real. "Please just talk to me." Her sweet voice bounced me back to the current moment. I knew I couldn't get out of this one, no matter how many times I shut her down. What an obnoxious skill of hers. The best way to do this was to just tell her bits and pieces. Bits that line up with what the outside world thought about Hinata. Pieces that left out the truly disturbing parts.
A sigh before I begin to calm myself. "Oh, you've got this magical ability to make me spill my guts with all that sickly sweetness. It'd be almost like a superpower if it weren't so gross." I started off the conversation with sarcasm to steer away from the topic at hand - even for a split second. All it resulted in was a; "I'll make you literally spill your guts if you don't tell me. You're making me more worried..." I could hear her pout through the phone and picture her pacing whatever hotel she was in now. God, I had no idea how to start this. I never do. "...I lost a friend recently. I was in denial about it and now it's all come crumbling down." Of course, my voice now sounded like a dying frog trying to croak out a sonnet. Just perfect. "You have friends? I thought you were above befriending other freaks there." Junko joked with a small chuckle, clearly to ease the tension. I couldn't help but follow suit. "Shocking, I know. You meet that quota so I don't need any more freaks in my life. That's why I befriended someone from the Reserve Course." That surprised her. A small gasp, barely audible, as she thought up a response. "I didn't know your school had one of those, makes sense though. Are there a lot of kids in there?" She showed genuine interest in what I was saying. It felt more validating to be listened to instead of trapped in my own head.
"There's a couple thousand, I think. I heard tuition here is ridiculous so most of them seem like conceited rich kids with insecurity issues." She laughed at that. The idea of me willingly talking to people like that was pretty funny. "Oh, you let this person be your friend because they're rich and they caught onto you?" Not a bad theory. I considered going along with it. Knowing she would catch on as soon as I played along was the only reason I didn't. "No. I don't know anything about his family life or if he was that rich." The reality of it got to me again. I really didn't know much about his life. The thought of him being rich slipped my mind entirely. I knew he had a mom he cared about. The packet of questions for memory testing say that he was close to his grandpa and he didn't have any siblings. Everything I knew about Hinata was personality based. Maybe that was a good thing. "What happened to him?"
I thought about the lie the Committee has everyone, even the police, believing. They ended up telling me more about that report and it's specifics recently when I pressed about it. At the time, all I thought was: 'How fucked up could they be?' "...He committed suicide almost 2 months ago." As I said that, my stomach tensed up. I wondered if that would be a better fate for him. At least then he wouldn't be in pain, confusion, or - apparently worst of all - boredom. Seeing him as 'Kamukura' felt like seeing someone else with his face. It was like he really did die, only it wasn't a couple months ago - it was last week.
Junko stammered. Not expecting that one for a change. "Was his name Hinata Hajime?" How could she possibly know that? Did it get published somewhere? I knew other crazy stories about the school got published, but... "Yeah. How did you know?" Maybe she expected this. Maybe she knew way more than I thought. That alone was terrifying. "I look up news about your school all the time. I always hope I can see you in pictures and stuff. I heard about him and that Yakuza girl in some articles. Didn't think you knew them." I didn't say anything. I had to gather my thoughts and think of what more she could possibly know. If she could be lying or not. "Y'know, after that murder, I was all worried you would get hurt, but I know you're too tough to get killed." She spoke with a hint of lightheartedness, despite the topic.
"They didn't talk about how both those kids were in the Reserve Course?" I attempted to catch her in a lie. That way, if she knew more I could figure out what or possibly where she got the info. "I mean, maybe they did and I skimmed passed that part. The important parts of the articles weren't about that. I'm sure some left it out. People died, who cares what class they were in?" That made a lick of sense, sure, but Junko wouldn't forget a detail like that. For now, I would remember that. Let the evidence pile up before I accuse or jump to conclusions. "...Are you okay?" She asked directly. What a question. I didn't know how to answer. "...He's the only genuine friend I've made since you. He was a funny guy. You might've liked him, he could take my sarcasm. Heh... And now, he's gone. Just like that. Jesus, I've had enough loss in my life."
I knew Junko had losses too. She had a strange life with unexplained parts like her sister's 3 year disappearance until she randomly reappeared back in April. Things that didn't make sense from any perspective except maybe her own. Still, she stayed here for me. Despite her obsession with despair, her new look, and her unpredictablity, I knew she'd always be there for me. Sometimes, I wished I could go back to before her boredom became such a problem. Back when we were innocent kids and I'd get frustrated that she was so much better at little things than me. Back when I would get all embarrassed when Dad would call her my little girlfriend. Back when Junko was sweet all the time and had red hair. With my history of losses, I chose to take what I could get. If all I could have was a version of my love with these problems, I wouldn't complain to any higher being. It was better than her dying or disappearing like everyone else. The whole reason I accepted my role in the Kamukura project was so maybe someday I could find a cure for her unbearable boredom. Somehow I learned how to create it instead.
"I know you have, sweetie. It's not your fault. I wish I was back in Tokyo so I could meet up and help you more." I was glad she wasn't. If we had this conversation in person, my half truths would be caught more easily. "I know. Don't worry about that. You're in Okinawa, right? You should be having fun on the beach, not being worried about me." I figured a distraction like the beach would be useful, although we grew up in a town right by it so she already knew all about that. She would get bored of it quickly. "They have me down here for a beach photoshoot, then want me out of the sun so I don't tan. I swear, those pics are gonna have that sunscreen smell through the page." At least she won't have to worry about a sunburn. "I'll get a copy of ponpon when it's out and let you know if I smell it." She giggled at that before going back to the original domino in the effect. Hinata.
"Seriously, I'm sorry about your friend. I wish you told me you knew him sooner, but I know you bottle things up. Lucky for you, I have some good news! Wanna save it for later or use it as a pick-me-up?" She got back into a more playful tone. Great. Good news for her could mean anything from seeing me soon to severe injury. "Tell me." I demanded. Mainly so I could find out how to react. "Some guy from your school came to talk to me when we were taking a lunch break. He said I likely have a chance to go there next school year. How cool is that? Going to the same school again would be awesome!"
Junko's excitement shot through the phone. Oddly enough, all I could do was imagine the insanity she'd cause here. Although, it could be a chance to watch her and make sure she doesn't do anything too crazy. "You have a while to go. New classes don't start until late March. Got time for your modeling." The thought of her at Hope's Peak has the old memories of walking home together replaying. Childish bickering all the way to our front doors. Only then, Mukuro would be there to try and join or get us to quit depending on how annoyed she'd get. In the past 4 months since Mukuro returned, I've barely seen her. The rare visit showed me painfully clear how she changed, just like everyone else. Great, I was thinking about that depressing shit again.
"I know. At least with you there, I know I won't get killed like that Yakuza girl. You'll protect me, right?" The obvious opening shot out at me. I had to get this conversation away from the issue. "I guess. Unless you're acting brainless enough to get yourself killed. If you kill someone here, then I'll know for sure you're dumber than you look." That warm giggle proved the opening right. Thank God. She took the bait, at least for now. "There's my Yasuke! I was waiting for you to give me some of that sarcasm again."