Title: I Swear We're not Serial Killers

Summary: Jack joins Kim on a trip to the thrift store, bored out of his mind. When Kim starts to get annoyed by his whining, he learns to make his own entertainment and things take an evil twist.

WARNING: Talk of *made up* murders and serial killers. If you're sensitive to that, this might not be the story for you.

A/N: It's been a while, hasn't it. I just started Criminal Minds again, so blame that on the dark turn in this one lol. Also, this is the one fandom that I always end up coming back to. It's been so long cause I've been watching other shows, readings books, etc. but I always end up back here. Home sweet home, haha.

Also I do wanna say, because this show was set in the present day, but like 10 years ago now, I still write it as if it is the present day so sometimes there are things that probably wouldn't happen in 2015 but would in 2024 (like how everything is online, how we use phones so much more, certain slang, etc.), so just keep that in mind. Like when Jack thinks about a thneed, that has become a more popular reference with time, so it is unlikely the characters would actually make that allusion, but it is common today so I included it.

Enjoy!

The second they walked in, the sharp and distinct smell of the local thrift store flooded both teens' noses. For Kim, it was a familiar scent of unmatched potential and excitement for what might come. For Jack, it was old dusty junk festering with old musty junk. Not exactly a thrilling smell. But he had made an agreement and he intended to stick to it, if only because he knew backing out now meant he was going to owe Kim big time and there was no telling how much worse her next ask would be. So, 100 year old, potentially bed-bug ridden fabrics it was.

"Come on, let's start with this rack," Kim urged, barely even nodding as she walked off to the first rack by the windows as if in her own world and having nearly forgotten Jack was there.

He really didn't understand why he was here. Especially the longer she worked.

As soon as Kim was at the very end of the rack, she shoved the hoard of shirts to the side, an action she seemed familiar with, and began to file through every. single. item.

She grabbed each hanger, gave each shirt a glance, before deciding to pass and pushing it toward the other rejects. She didn't so much as glance at Jack for six entire minutes.

Jack wasn't even sure what to do. He was a little starstruck, to be honest. What could he do? He didn't like the smell, was afraid he'd get lost if he wandered off, and certainly didn't want to touch anything. Kim was clearly in the zone, so he knew trying to spark up a conversation was suicide. So he just watched, trying to take as few breaths as possible because there's no way there are less than 50 diseases sitting on the clothes here.

It kind of became a game, seeing how few breaths he could take. He inhaled slowly, then held it, pretending he was Tom Cruise underwater trying to diffuse a bomb. He let his mind conjure images around him as he worked through an imaginary puzzle in his mind. If he could just get his fingers through the hole to the last nob… he needed something smaller, something that could fit between-

"What do you think? Does it give grandma floral or like cute vintage floral?" Kim suddenly asked, turning to Jack with a tank top held up to her torso awaiting his opinion. She furrowed her brows when Jack let out a deep exhale and shook his head slightly.

"Uh, what?" he coughed, catching his breath.

"This top. Does it give grandma vibes?" Kim repeated.

Jack scratched his head. This felt like a trap. "Uh… cute grandma?" He said finally because it was 100% a grandma top but last time he made a comment about Kim's clothes that didn't include the words cute, pretty, or beautiful, he had gotten a lecture.

Kim rolled her eyes, she was looking for honesty. "Dude, this isn't mine, you can be honest. But yeah, you're right. It's totally an old lady's shirt. Good call."

Kim out the top back on the rack, slid it over with the other rejects, and began swiping again like nothing had happened.

Daring to break her concentration, Jack spoke up. "So… I thought we were here for a pair of pants?"

Kim spared Jack a brief look, long enough to glare but not long enough for him to really get a good look at her before she turned back to what she was doing. "Yes but rule number one of thrifting, you gotta look at everything. You never know when there is something spectacular hiding. You're not going to find anything good if you don't look at everything," Kim lectured. "Besides, you don't have plans today, do you?"

Jack took a calming breath, he didn't have plans, and it was a mistake telling Kim that because now he had no escape plan.

"Kimmmmm," Jack whined, it had come to that point.

"Jack," Kim said with a harsh exhale. She couldn't really blame him, but come on, she was trying to work! "You don't have to just stand there," she sighed. "You can look around too."

Jack pursed his lips in a dejected frown, but made his way over to the clothes nonetheless.

Half-heartedly, Jack grabbed a random shirt on a hanger and pulled it out to look at. It was nothing special, just a gray top. Putting it back, he moved on to the next one.

He very quickly learned why Kim did the things she did. Shoving the clothes to the side let you flip through every shirt quickly, getting a view of the entire front, without having to take the hanger off the rack.

Using this method that mimicked Kim's, Jack soon found a handful of gems and treasures.

The first, an unassuming graphic tee with a logo and company name right below it. Average enough, until you realized that some of the letters were switched around so it actually said "poop". After a quick glance at the price tag, Jack nearly pulled it out to buy.

Another pleasant surprise was the black graphic tee with flames and lightning jutting out from the center where Bobby Wasabi was featured, surrounded by ninjas from one of his older movies, with the words "Cheeseburger? Hamburger." around the image. It was completely random, completely awful, and completely perfect.

"Kim!" he shouted, pulling his eyes away from the masterpiece so he could locate her. It took a second, she had moved on to another rack in the time he had spent looking, but when she heard she finally looked up.

"What?"

"Check this out!" Jack laughed, hardly able to believe his luck in finding something so amazing.

When Kim read the shirt and took in the image, her face scrunched in disgust and confusion. "What is that?"

"Isn't it perfect?" Jack agreed, or at least, he thought he was agreeing.

Kim shook her head. "You're not actually thinking of getting that, are you?"

Jack shrugged. "I think I might. Come on, you can't deny it is perfect. Rudy would go crazy if I wore this to practice!"

"I think he's plenty crazy enough already," Kim muttered, turning back to what she was doing.

"Ain't that the truth," Jack agreed, putting the shirt back because he really didn't need it, as funny as it was.

He continued flipping through the tops, moving from row to row, staying just close enough to Kim so they could still call for one another, but far enough to have some freedom of choice on where to look.

"Jack, what do you think of this?" Kim asked suddenly, pulling out a shirt and holding it up for Jack to see. It was a plain button-up shirt and very pink. It was kind of big too.

"For you?" he asked, because there was no chance he was ever going to wear that, but he knew girls liked to buy things like that and maybe Kim had a vision for it for her to wear.

Kim frowned at his answer and put the shirt back. It had not been for her.

A minute later, Kim had moved to the pants while Jack chuckled to himself, pulling out another top, determined to get Kim back for suggesting the other shirt for him. It was a small shirt, made out of stretchy fabric that just looked… wrong. There were an odd number of holes and it was all bunched up on the top. And bright green.

"Hey, Kim!" Jack called, holding it up with a goofy grin.

Kim looked at it for a second before dropping her hand from the hanger she was touching. "Wait… That's kind of cute, though," Kim said, coming closer to Jack.

Jack's smile slowly dropped as he looked back and forth between Kim and the shirt. She didn't actually like this, did she? It resembled a thneed more than an actual shirt.

"Wait, actually?" Jack asked, searching Kim's face, waiting for her to crack and admit she was messing with him.

Kim just nodded seriously and started feeling the fabric.

"But… It has like 10 holes, it's all bunched here… It looks like it got caught in the sewing machine!" Jack argued.

"That's because it wasn't made to be seen limp on a hanger, Jack. It looks better on, trust me," Kim said before grabbing it from him and looking for signs of wear. There were no stains or unintentional holes. She looked at the tag and her eyes widened with excitement.

"It's Brandy!" she revealed, excited.

"No way!" he gasped, pretending like he had a clue what Kim was talking about.

Kim, sensing his sarcasm, shoved him before continuing. "This is a great deal. And I think I found some pants too. I'm gonna go try them both on," Kim said, looking around to find the dressing room.

Jack followed, insanely curious to see what Kim saw in the radioactive scrap fabric.

When Kim re-emerged from the dressing room, wearing the top, Jack was genuinely shocked. The color was bright, pairing well with Kim's blonde hair. It was a tank-top kind of thing, with the fabric scrunching at one of her shoulders and a few oval cutouts. He had no clue how in the world she saw the potential or how she knew how to put it on, but it looked hot.

"Wow," was all he could say at first.

"What do you think?" she asked, a slight frown on her face as she was deep in thought, turning every which way looking in the mirror.

"I don't know how, but you pull that thing off so well," Jack said.

"It looks good?" Kim asked, needing that confirmation.

"You look incredible, Kim."

Kim smirked a little at hearing her boyfriend compliment her so freely. "Okay, fine, I'll get it," she said, breaking out into a bigger smile as she waved her hand and walked back to change out of it.

She also tried on the pants, success, and then changed back into her normal clothes.

When Kim walked out, she had to do a double-take when Jack was no longer standing there. She had only been in the dressing room for like a minute, where on earth had he gone?

He wasn't anywhere they'd been, and she was starting to get worried. Had something happened? He was known to get into trouble at the drop of a hat. But, there also didn't seem to be any noises that would indicate a fight anywhere in the vicinity, so that was unlikely.

Turning in a full circle, Kim finally spotted him. He was rising from a crouch in the furniture section, of all places.

Hearing her footsteps approaching, Jack turned around as Kim walked up to him.

"Check this out," Jack said, gesturing to the odd piece of wood in front of him.

"What is it?" Kim asked, spotting curved edges and random little drawers and handles.

"No clue. But look at this." Jack pulled a latch, dropping a sheet of wood and revealing a drawer. He pulled it open partially, turned a knob, and then opened it fully. It revealed a box, which he then pulled out. He stuck his hand back in the drawer and retrieved a key, sticking in the box and using it to open the box. It revealed a few more layers of knobs and hidden drawers and false bottoms before it finally revealed…

"A bottle?" Kim questioned. All that for… a small glass bottle with a cork in the top? "What is even in there? What could be so important that somebody could hide it behind like 7 different puzzles?"

"I think it's hair," Jack said, extending the bottle so Kim could take a closer look.

"Ew," she said, scrunching her nose in disgust. "Why would somebody keep a bottle of hair?"

"I dunno," Jack shrugged. "Maybe it was some rich creepy stalker guy. You know, like he had some crazy obsession with his maid or something and he stole the hair from her brush and had this chest made to hide his most prized possession."

Kim shivered at the way Jack was able to supply that story so easily. "Okay first, you're been watching way too many serial killer documentaries. And second ew!"

Jack gave Kim a scowl as he started putting the pieces back together. "You do realize you're the reason I've been watching so many murder documentaries, right? It was your creepy fascination with the one guy and the bus that started this whole thing when you made me watch the mini series with you."

It was true, Kim had convinced Jack to watch it with her because she found it so interesting and he only agreed because she'd spent the day before with him picking out Father's Day presents for his dad and grandpa and he knew she was not having fun but she did it for him. And then she'd gotten hurt when he had told her to try some of the equipment at the store. He didn't think she would actually do it but then she jumped and she fell and had a massive bruise on her hip. So he owed her.

And then he realized she was right and serial killers were intriguing and soon enough it became a weekly ritual for them to sit down and watch something.

So sue him if he had just been a good boyfriend.

"Okay, again, it was two guys and it doesn't change the fact that I'm a little creeped out that you came up with that theory so fast."

Jack gave her a look because she knew he wasn't a serial killer and she knew she could come up with a backstory that was ten times worse in just as much time.

"Besides, that's not even that crazy," Kim finally added with a smirk.

"Okay, you try then. What's the story behind this…" Jack stopped as he scanned the items around them, looking for something for Kim to analyze. "This cross-stitch flower in a frame."

Jack picked it up, showing it to Kim to make sure they were looking at the same thing. Kim looked at the item, with flowers stitched in it and a small crack in the wooden frame. Too easy.

"White male. Mid to late twenties. Had a thing for this grandma. Worked at the retirement home she was at. One of his coworkers found out about it. He killed him to keep him quiet. Someone else found the body, confronted him about it. He killed her too. Grandma died three weeks later, and he took this frame as his trophy," Kim explained, her eyes narrowing as she told the untrue backstory of a sick killer. "The frame is cracked because of how often he would hold it in a tight grip. It was the last thing she'd made before she had a heart attack."

"I mean, okay, kinda lame. Textbook killings-"

"He gifted her the thread she used to make it," Kim added, with a smirk.

"Okay. I mean it's still-"

"I'm not done," Kim interrupted. "He made it. The thread. From the hair of his second victim. Who just so happened to be the old lady's granddaughter who he also had a thing for."

Kim let that sit for a second, watching the horror cross Jack's features.

"That rose was made with thread dyed with her blood."

"Ewww!" Jack whined, dropping the frame quickly even though they both knew the story was completely wild and untrue. "You are a sick woman, Kim. Sick, I tell you."

Kim just smiled, pleased that she had outdone Jack's backstory. Maybe Jack wasn't the only one who watched too many shows.

"You asked for it, doofus," Kim reminded him with a little roll of her eyes. It felt good to be joking around with him, she was so glad they'd had so many years of easy friendship before actually getting together. She couldn't imagine herself with someone like Brett where they didn't have that fun, playful friendship as a foundation. She honestly didn't know how anybody did it.

"Okay, you pick something for me," Jack finally said, itching to do his worst and out-psycho Kim. Now that he knew it was a competition, he would actually try with his next backstory.

Kim agreed and began looking around for something to give him a challenge. It was a balance between odd and normal, old and new, perfect and faulty. Eventually she chose an antique plate. It might have been a collectible from some collection, but to the kids it was just an old-timey plate.

"What's the story?" Kim asked after Jack had looked at the plate for a few seconds.

Jack waited a moment before a wide grin grew on his face. Oh yeah, he had something good.

"There's this guy," Jack started.

Kim held up a hand. "Lemme guess. White. Mid to upper twenties. And just to spice it up, daddy issues?"

Jack smirked at Kim's enthusiasm. "Mommy issues, actually," he decided. "And he has a history of animal cruelty–lots of chicken and rabbit–that got him in trouble throughout elementary and middle school before he dropped out of high school. Rural farmland, nobody noticed or cared."

Kim rolled her eyes. What a classic tale.

"Anyways," Jack continued because none of that information was really relevant to the bigger story of killings. "He was obsessed with this girl. She would sometimes show up at her dads store and he started going just so he could watch her creepily. Her dad wasn't a fan of him, so they had to hang out secretively. One night, while he was begging for any random interesting details about her life, she revealed to him that she was a collector of plates."

"Like this one?" Kim question with a raised eyebrow. Super creative.

"Well, yes, but I'm not at that part of the story."

"Sorry, please go on."

"Thank you. Anyways, it wasn't long until the girl realized he was kinda unstable. He would get really mad sometimes, but this is the 50s so like, not totally crazy for him to be a mad drunk. Anyways, one day her dad catches them together and sends the daughter to her room so he can chat with him. The daughter instead runs off into town cause she's mad. The guy is fighting with her dad and kills him out of rage. Bashing his head in and realizing how much he enjoys it. The high he gets from that is so much better than any animals and he thrives off it for a while. He covers it up by hiding the body in his barn and lying about how her dad ran off after the argument and now he was missing. The girl is obviously distraught. And slowly, the guy is itching for more so when the daughter is out, the guy can't stop himself and kills her mom too. That high doesn't last long, so he kills her brother too."

A middle aged lady walked by just then, giving the young pair a concerned look and Jack and Kim realized what it sounded like. They weren't psychos.

"So yeah that was a crazy episode from the TV show. Not real, thank goodness. Just some creepy fiction," Jack said much louder than necessary just to make sure nobody was alerting the FBI about two serial killer teens in the thrift store.

"Anyways," Jack continued quieter, more aware of his surroundings. "The girl is sad and her aunt comes to live with her and the guy drops by with the final plate to her collection and some pie to console her. They eat it together and then that night he commits suicide because after so many kills, he realizes he can never get the same high he was after."

"That hardly included the plate," Kim argued with a frown, her mind lingering a little on the phrase bash his head in. "That was such a small detail."

"Oh did I forget to mention that part?" Jack asked tilting his head as he pretended to remember. "Oh that's right, he was actually a cannibal! Those animals he killed as a boy, he ate them. That was what gave him a high. Eating his victims. That pie? It was her dead family." Jack finished with a whisper in Kim's ear that sent a chilly shiver down her spine.

"Jackson Brewer!" Kim hissed, looking around quickly as she fought sudden nausea. "Oh my gosh I can't believe you went there. That is horrible. Like actually despicable."

Kim frowned because, even though she'd started it, Jack's story really did have her feeling kind of sick and regretting the whole thing. She was imagining the story a little too much and now she had a bad taste in her mouth.

"Come on, you know it's just fake. Nobody is actually dead," Jack said dismissively, although he let his eyes linger longer because he wanted to see how Kim was actually feeling. She took those shows so well, especially considering she fit most of the victims' qualifications. (She'd pointed that out multiple times. Also, how Jack fit the most basic killer qualifications. Jack quickly put an end to both lines of thinking.) He was just worried maybe he had gone a tad too far for a casual afternoon conversation.

"I think we should check out," Kim said, swallowing and giving Jack a small smile that he could tell was kind of forced.

"Good idea," Jack agreed, holding out an arm to guide her through the aisle.

When they were checking out, Jack let himself wrap and arm around her, hoping it offered her some comfort and kept her mind from thinking too hard about bad things.

It seemed to have worked, because she leaned into him a little and had plenty of energy to argue when he tried to pay.

Turns out the store's machine was broken and they could only take cash and Jack was the only one with cash so naturally he had to pay the $5.

When they got to the car, Jack stopped Kim before she could get in.

"Hey," he said, tugging in her arm.

Kim turned around, looking up at him in confusion.

"What?"

"You okay?"

Kim smiled. "I'm okay."

"Good," Jack smiled back. "Cause if not, I was going to have to cheer you up with a cloudy-looking full moon wolf t-shirt back in there that had your name all over."

Kim laughed, a real one, and turned around. "I know exactly what I'm getting for your birthday."

"You're a genius! Jack suddenly gasped, opening Kim's door when she finished putting the bag in the back seat.

"I mean, yes. But why?" she asked, crawling into her seat.

Jack shut the door and walked over to his side.

"We get everyone ugly thrifted shirts! We can all be matching!" Jack told her with an excitement at a level that was high it was rare from him—even in her presence. "Well, like, matching in that they're all atrocious."

"By everyone do you mean…"

Something sparkled in his eyes as he nodded. "I mean everyone."

Kim shook her head and laughed. "Okay big spender," she joked. She put a hand on his leg and squeezed, and Jack put his hand over it. It was one of the subtle ways they were intimate with each other and it came so naturally now. "Let's go home. And let's watch a freaking happy movie. No killers. I don't think I can handle anymore today."

Jack smiled. "Whatever you say, pretty girl."

Kim blushed despite herself. It didn't matter how long they'd known each other, any comment resembling a compliment from Jack always got to her.

"Just drive," she said smiling, looking over at Jack while he barked out another laugh.

Somehow, Jack made every activity exciting, and Kim was overcome with just how much she was falling for her boy.

Aww, so like, by the end it has returned to just a cute, sweet little afternoon date between the young couple. Hopefully you don't get the wrong idea from the stuff in the middle. I swear I had just watched an episode of Criminal Minds so I was already thinking about it. Anyways...

You have no idea how long it took me to remember the word radioactive.

Thanks for reading! Leave a review if you feel so inclined 😙