15

Bella hadn't been able to sleep, though she wasn't sure if it was because of Edward's soft snores coming from the other side of their pillow wall or the fact she wasn't sure what she was going to learn by being back in New York. More than anything, she wanted to believe Carlisle had just been putting on a show, pretending he was one of the guys. You know, the kind that went along with whatever bullshit the others were saying about their wives, so he didn't look a fool. But the Carlisle she had known, who she had spent the last ten years married to, hadn't tolerated men like that, and honestly, that's what concerned her the most. What if he had been telling them the truth?

So, instead of lying in bed unable to sleep, she crawled out and sat at the desk, opening Carlisle's laptop. Once logged in, she leaned forward and began looking at the files, trying to decide which one she wanted to look at next. Wanted wasn't the right word to use. Needed was more accurate, she thought. She needed to learn who the real Carlisle had been, even if it broke her heart all over again.

"Why are you up so early?"

Bella smiled and looked over her shoulder. Edward was propped up on his elbows, his white T-shirt bunched upward in his chest. "Your snoring woke me up."

"I don't snore," he scoffed.

"Yes, you do. Haven't any of your girlfriends ever told you?

Edward frowned. "I haven't had a girlfriend in a long time."

"Oh." She looked back at the laptop. "You're more into the friends-with-benefits thing, huh?"

"No."

"No?" She looked at him again. "Random hookups?"

"No," he said slowly as he sat up on the side of the bed. "Is that what you think of me? That I just . . . fuck every woman I see?"

"Your history kind of speaks for itself, doesn't it?"

Edward frowned. "I'm not that person anymore, Izzy. When I got clean, I didn't just stop using drugs and alcohol. I stopped all my toxic behavior, including having casual sex. That was another part of my life I'm not proud of."

Bella spun the chair around, so she was facing him. "Why'd you decide to get clean?"

"Because I lost you," he admitted, his eyes shifting to her. "And Carlisle. So I did a lot of soul searching and figured out why I let myself follow the same destructive path they did, and decided I needed to get my life together so I could have you back in my life. When Carlisle still wouldn't give me a chance, I decided that regardless of whether or not he ever forgave me, I had to forgive myself."

"I don't know if it means much, but I'm proud of you, Edward."

His eyes widened. "You are?"

She nodded. "We ran away like cowards, but you stayed and proved to everyone in Woodbury that you're not your father's son."

"I'm trying really hard not to be like him, like either of them ever again." Edward blew out a heavy breath, his eyes shifting to the laptop. "Find anything new?"

"I was about to click on a file labeled 'My Personal Musings.' Kind of scared of what they'll say, though."

"We could look together?"

Bella was quick to shake her head. "I, um, I don't think I'm ready yet."

"Okay." He nodded and stretched. "How about we get dressed, and you can take me out for breakfast?"

"Oh, I can, can I?" She laughed. "There's a place close to his station, best pancakes in the city."

He groaned, giving her a huge smile. "Ugh, pancakes are my kryptonite, Izzy."

"I remember." She stood, her hands automatically coming to rest on her stomach. "You want the shower first?"

"No, go ahead."

"Thanks." Bella gathered her clothes and shower supplies before walking to the bathroom but stopped and looked at him. "He would have been proud of you, too, Edward. If he'd let himself see who you are now, Carlisle would have been proud, just like I am."

"You think so?"

She nodded. "He . . . he thought he was making the right decision for us, but I think if he had let himself see how much you've changed . . . Well, I don't know that it would have changed anything, but it does for me."

"It does?" he asked, speaking so softly she barely heard him.

She nodded. "You're the only person I can trust right now, Edward."

"You trust me?"

"With me and Little Bit."

Edward smiled. "That means a lot, Izzy. A lot."

"For me, too."

And then, turning, she walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind her. As she started the water, she tried to prepare herself for what she and Edward were going to learn about Carlisle.

—RtW—

An hour and a half later, dressed in her new denim overalls and a dark blue long-sleeved T-shirt that was more comfortable than she had wanted to admit, Bella was seated in a booth inside Moe's Diner. She was on one side, Edward on the other. Their waitress had already taken their drink orders while they tried to decide what they wanted. Or, rather, she was trying to decide. She could feel him watching her, something that sparked a feeling inside her she didn't understand. He was just Edward, wasn't he?

"Here we go, folks."

Their waitress, a stout woman with short black hair sprinkled with silver, placed a cup of coffee in front of each of them, along with a glass of orange juice, at Edward's insistence, saying, 'Little Bit needs the folic acid, Izzy.'

"Know what you want to order, or do you need a few more minutes?"

"I'll take the Moe's special with scrambled eggs, sausage links, and a side order of bacon and wheat toast," Edward replied without taking his eyes off Bella. "Your turn, Izzy."

"The biscuits and gravy. With a side of fresh fruit and cottage cheese, please."

"I'll have this right out." She smiled before walking away.

"Yours sounds much healthier than mine." Edward laughed taking a sip of coffee before immediately spitting it back into his cup. "Wow! This is nasty."

Bella snorted and passed him the sugar. "This is New York coffee, Edward. Not that frilly coffee you drink back in Woodbury."

"So New York coffee equals burnt?" he teased before dumping an unhealthy amount of sugar into his cup. Picking up his spoon, he stirred it in. "You and Carlisle came here a lot?"

"We used to," she said quietly. She picked up her cup but didn't take a sip. "He'd just graduated from the academy and worked overnights like they made all the newbies do. I had class all day, so we were lucky if we saw each other for more than an hour a day. One morning, I was getting ready to leave for class, and he called to ask me to meet him here. Something in his voice worried me, I guess, so I skipped class to meet him." Bella frowned. "He was really quiet, distracted, and it scared me."

"Why?"

"Because when he got quiet, I knew he was lost inside his head, lost in memories he tried very hard not to dwell on after we left." Bella dragged her finger over the rim of her cup. "We ate, and when we were done, he told me about his case." She shifted her eyes up to Edward. "A little boy, around six, had been found wandering in Central Park in only a pair of shorts — no shirt or shoes, nothing but a pair of dirty shorts. The doorman at Silver Towers found him, brought him inside the lobby, got him a blanket and a cup of cocoa, and called the police. Carlisle caught his case. He said when he saw that little boy, he was covered in bruises; his hair looked like it hadn't been washed in weeks, and he had lice and bug bites on his arms and legs."

Edward pressed his lips together as he nodded. "It hit a little close to home, huh?"

"Yeah," she whispered.

"Did they find his parents?"

"They did," she said quietly. "Held up in an apartment almost ten blocks away, high on who knows what, unaware their child had left in search of food. He told Carlisle the last meal he had eaten was lunch at school, and school had been in a week-long break, Edward. Child services took custody, and his parents were stripped of their rights. Last we heard, a lovely couple had adopted him and now lived in Connecticut where he is in his sophomore year in high school and excelling."

Edward smiled. "Sounds like Carlisle was exactly where he was supposed to be."

"Maybe." She shrugged her shoulders. "Anytime he had a hard case, he'd call and ask me to meet him here. And when I found myself struggling with rehearsals or injuries, I would be the one to call. Moe's just because our place when things were hard, I guess."

"What kind of injuries?"

"A couple of high ankle sprains, Achilles tendonitis, and what they refer to as a dancer's fracture, or break in the fifth metatarsal. That one took me out for almost a full season, and I was just starting to make my comeback when I found out I was pregnant."

"Do you miss it? Dancing, I mean?"

"I do," she admitted, picking up her orange juice and taking a sip. "Mostly it's the freedom that came when I was on stage. When I'm dancing, I don't have to worry about anything."

"Have you thought about what you're going to do after Little Bit gets here? Career-wise, I mean."

"A little."

Edward stared at her. "Well? Are you going to tell me?"

"I mean, I've been thinking about, maybe, opening my own studio back in Woodbury."

"You're going to stay in Woodbury? Like permanently?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know, Edward. New York doesn't feel like home anymore, and I certainly can't afford to live here alone, especially with a child. At least in Woodbury, I have Dad and Jay, Alice, Ro, and Emmett."

"And me," he murmured.

Bella smiled and reached her hand across the table. Edward's eyes shifted to her as he wrapped his fingers around hers. "And you."

—RtW—

An hour later, Bella and Edward stood in front of the eighty-eighth precinct. Her heart was racing, her legs felt weak, and if she were honest, she felt like she might throw up right then and there. It wasn't like she'd never been there. Hell, she had always come by, bringing him dinner and coffee just to see him. Especially in the early days of their marriage, when being alone was hard and scary.

"Izzy?"

Tensing, she looked to her left, finding James Sinclair standing several feet away. He was a tall, thin man with dark eyes and shaggy, sandy blond hair. He was wearing his standard uniform and had his hat under his arm. He looked from her face to her stomach and back, his eyes widening.

"Wow, I . . ."

"Yeah, I know." Bella placed her hand on Edward's arm, causing James to look from her to him and back, and she could see the judgment in his eyes. She immediately dropped her hand to her belly. "This is Edward."

"The brother," James said, nodding. "He, um, talked about you a lot."

"He did?" Edward asked.

He nodded.

"James was the closest person Carlisle had to a partner." Bella cleared her throat. "I, um, we," she said, gesturing toward Edward, "were hoping we could, I don't know, sit and talk for a few minutes."

James brought his hand up to the back of his neck. "Yeah, I mean, I guess I have some time before my shift starts. Let's go across the street, though. Get some coffee or milk for the baby?"

Bella laughed. "Yeah, okay."

A few minutes later, all three of them were settled at a small table, she and Edward on one side, while James sat opposite her. He had bought him and Edward coffee and her a small hot chocolate and a small blueberry muffin despite her telling him that they had just eaten.

James leaned forward, placing his elbows on the table. "How've you been, Izzy?"

"Um, okay, I guess," she admitted, placing her hand on the table.

"How far along are you?" James asked.

"Almost twenty weeks."

"Did Carlisle know?"

Bella shook her head. "I had found out that morning and hadn't had a chance to tell him yet."

James smiled softly. "He would have been happy. He always talked about what it would be like to be a dad. Hell, I offered to let you to babysit one of mine. You know, to get the full experience," he added with a wink.

"He told me." Bella cleared her throat, shifting her eyes to Edward before looking at James. "Look, I don't know how to ask this, but . . . After Carlisle died, when I came by to get his belongings, a couple of the guys said he'd . . . He told me he had to work late, that you were shorthanded that night."

James sighed. "He did?"

"It wasn't true, was it?"

"No," he replied. "I mean, we were always a little shorthanded, but there was no reason he needed to stay that night."

"I see." Bella slid her hand back into her lap. "Is that something he did a lot? Picking up extra shifts, I mean?"

Once again, James frowned but nodded. "He said he needed the money. Said you'd been down with an injury, and that meant you couldn't dance, and not dancing meant you didn't get paid."

"Is that what he said?"

"Is that not true?"

"No, no, it wasn't true. I was a salaried dancer. It was a part of my contract to help me make ends meet between shows."

"Oh." James picked up his cup. "Who told you about him picking up the shift?"

"Does it matter?" Edward asked.

His eyes shifted to him. "It does, actually. Carlisle was a good cop. A damn good cop who was on the track to make detective. There were some who didn't think he'd earned the respect he received. So again, I'm going to ask who you talked to, Izzy."

She placed her hand on the table once more. "Paul and Liam."

James scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Of course."

"What do you mean, of course?" Edward asked before she could. "Who are they?"

"Paul, Liam, Carlisle, and I came out of the academy together. There was always this . . . I don't know . . . line between them, and Carlisle and me. A very thin line."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that when it came down to making the right decision, they skirted the line while we did not. We did our jobs, protected the people of New York City as we were trained to do, while they tended to . . . do what was best for them, even if that meant others got hurt." James placed his cup back on the table. "What else did they say to you, Izzy?"

She pressed her lips together for a moment before she heard herself say, "They said he . . . he complained about . . . about me."

"They what?" he snarled, slamming his hand on the table. "What exactly did they say?"

"Just that he didn't want to go home because I was being bitchy, that I complained all the time. Is that true, James?"

"No, no, of course not." James shook his head. "Look, Izzy, he loved you so much. When the other guys would start bagging on their wives or girlfriends, he would get really quiet. I asked him once why he did that, and do you know what he told me?"

When she shook her head, she felt a tear slid down his face.

"Oh, Izzy." James covered her hand with his. "He said he didn't understand how they could claim to love their wives or girlfriends when all they did was complain about them. He said love wasn't always easy, but it was worth fighting for."

"Why would they tell her he said that, then?" Edward asked, and she felt his arm rest on the back of her chair.

"Because they're dicks," he said, shrugging his shoulders. "Paul's been married and divorced twice. Liam's married but has a girl on the side. They were jealous because of how you loved him, and he loved you, Izzy. Hell, we were all jealous of you two, I think. You made it seem easy."

"You really think he loved me, James?"

"I know he did, honey." James paused. "He was still alive when I got there."

"He was?" she cried.

He nodded, his eyes glistening with tears. "I wanted to chew his ass out for being dumb enough to respond to a call by himself, but instead, I held his hand until he died. I think his . . . childhood clouded his judgment when it came to situations like that."

"You mean abusive?" Edward asked, and when James nodded, he added, "Did he tell you about our childhood?"

"He told me enough to know it wasn't easy for either of you, Edward."

"You said he talked about me."

James smiled. "He did."

"What did he say?" The desperation in his words touched Bella's soul, and she shifted in her chair, placing her hand on his knee. He looked from her fingers up to her face before he covered her hand with his. "I just . . . I just need to know."

"He said it wasn't an easy house to grow up in but that you had it worse than him and that you . . . that you took a lot for him, and his biggest regret was turning his back on you when you needed him the most."

Edward slapped his hand over his mouth, muffling his cry. Bella turned in her chair, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him down against her chest. Her eyes shifted to James, who was frowning.

"I, um, I'd better get going. Shift starts soon, and Cap will have my ass if I'm late." James stood. "How long are you here? Vicki would love to see you."

"We're leaving tonight," she lied. "Thank you for being honest with us, James."

"You're welcome, I guess. It's good to see you, Izzy."

"You too."

She waited until James was gone before she turned to Edward, who had his head in his arms on the table. Slowly, she raised her hand and placed it on his back, feeling him tense before he turned his head toward her.

His eyes were red, and his cheeks were wet. "Why didn't he just . . . I must have called or texted a thousand times over the last nine years, Izzy. Why did he never answer one of them? Just one so I could prove to him I wasn't that loser anymore."

"I don't know." She scooted closer, her arm wrapping around him as she laid her head on his shoulder. "But I think James was telling the truth, at least about you."

"You do?"

She nodded. "He never said anything to me, but when we found ourselves talking about Jake and everyone back in Woodbury, he'd get really quiet, and I didn't like it when he got like that, so I stopped talking about it. I think pushing you away was a lot harder on him than he wanted to admit."

Edward closed his eyes for a moment, inhaling a deep breath through his nose and exhaling slowly out of his mouth. "Sorry. I . . . I guess just hearing that he talked about me at all just . . . just has me in my feelings a little."

"Me too." Bella picked up her hot chocolate and took a sip, grimacing. "It's ice cold."

Edward laughed. "You want another?"

"No, thanks. I didn't really want this one, but James is a little pushy when it comes to pregnant women. He and his wife Victoria have four children — all boys — under the age of eight."

Edward laughed. "That would explain it."

She smiled.

"So, what's next? Did you get the answers you need?"

"No? Yes? I don't know. I mean, I know Carlisle had his issues with Paul and Liam, but how do I know that James isn't just covering for him? They were friends."

"We may have to accept that there are things about my brother, Izzy, we will never know the truth about."

She nodded. "Yeah, I guess you're right." Bella pushed her cup to the middle of the table. "Will you go somewhere else with me?"

"Yes."

"You keep saying yes without even knowing where I want to go."

"I'm here for you, Izzy. I've always been here for you."

Bella smiled, feeling her cheeks warm as she blushed and looked away. "I'm starting to believe you."

"Good." Edward wrapped his fingers around her hand, lifting it to his lips and kissing her knuckles. "You're important to me, Izzy."

"I am?"

He nodded. "The most important person to me at the moment."

"Edward," she whispered.

He smiled and released her hand. "Now, where do you want to go?"

"The cemetery."

His smile dropped, but he nodded. "I'd like to go there, too."

"I just need . . . I need to say goodbye, I guess."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me, Izzy."

Disposing of their trash, Bella and Edward hailed a cab, and once she had given the driver the address for Cypress Hill Cemetery, she scooted closer to him and leaned her head on his shoulder.

At least she still had Edward in her life. And for that, she was thankful.

Thank you for all the AMAZING reviews! Huge thank you to Sunflower Fran for being an amazing friend and beta for me. See you next Wednesday, loves!