The Misadventures of Kazuma and Aqua
Episode 1
Who Let the Toad Out
One day, Aqua decided to go to the pier to play with some dolphins while Kazuma watched in concern.
"Uh, Aqua? Is talking to dolphins even a good idea?" Kazuma asked in concern.
"Of course! I'm the WATER Goddess after all! This is what I excel in!" Aqua said with pride.
"But aren't dolphins known for…" Kazuma tried to say something, but Aqua ignored him.
"Greetings mortal creatures of the sea! It is I, the Water Goddess Aqua!" Aqua greeted the dolphins while showing off her dancing skills.
The dolphins just watched her in confusion.
"Click, Click, Ah, Ah!" Aqua made some weird noises as if trying to communicate with the dolphins, only to make them confused.
"Speak dolphin you idiot!" Kazuma shouted in annoyance.
"Okey Dokey! Get ready to move your "Excaliburs"!" Aqua said.
"STUPID!" Kazuma yelled while facepalming.
"Um…" The dolphins looked even more confused.
"Oh, I know! I'll do the dolphin's mating dance!" Aqua said.
She then proceeded to do a suggestive dance which she believed to be the mating dance for dolphins.
"OH NO!" The dolphins screamed in horror as they swam away.
"Huh?" Aqua looked confused as she stopped dancing.
Then suddenly, a whole pod of love-struck dolphins, who were affected by her "mating dance", came out of nowhere and got the jump on Aqua as they proceeded to "make love" with her.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Aqua screamed in panic as she felt multiple dolphin "Excaliburs" penetrate her sacred hole, while also getting crushed under the weight of so many dolphins, "HEEEEEEEELP! KAZUMA-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!"
Kazuma looked bewildered for a second before rolling his eyes with a deadpan expression, "Meh, close enough." He said before walking away, ignoring Aqua's cries for help.
Sometime later…
Kazuma was sitting against a wall while reading a magazine when he noticed Aqua crawling up to him on the floor, looking all wet and messy, with one hand while the other held her sacred nether regions in pain.
"Kazuma-san…how could you just ditch me like that?!" Aqua demanded with a traumatized and pissed off expression.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I just thought the "Water Goddess" could easily handle a couple of horny dolphins." Kazuma responded in a condescending and sarcastic tone.
"GRRRRRRRR!" Aqua got up in anger, "You know what!? Screw this!" she looks to the side and sees a giant toad monster chained to a pole like a dog, "I'm gonna go play with Big Toad-kun over there!" she said as she starts walking towards it.
"NO AQUA DON'T!" Kazuma yelled in panic.
Suddenly, the Big Toad gobbled up Aqua and started chewing on her as she screamed in pain and horror, before it spat her out, sending her flying right next time Kazuma, while looking all bruised up and covered in Toad drool.
"What is it!?" Aqua asked annoyed at Kazuma.
"Don't go near that Big Toad! You might release it you idiot!" Kazuma scolded her.
"Oooooooh nooooooo…" Aqua taunted him in sarcastic tone as she walked up past the Big Toad and up the pole keeping it chained, "…thaaaaat would be noooooo gooooood…"
"DON'T YOU GO FULL-RETARD ON ME NOW!" Kazuma roared in anger.
A red vein sticks out of his forehead
"FINE!" Aqua sat down next to the pole, crossing her arms and doing to pouty face.
The Big Toad watched in confusion as Aqua and Kazuma kept bickering. However, the three of them were unaware that someone was watching them from a distance.
Meanwhile…
A group of royal guards were keeping watch on the big cannon defending the city walls, when one of them spotted Aqua and Kazuma bickering next to the Big Toad through their binocular.
"Oh Hell NO!" The guard with the binocular shouted in anger, "They took our TOAD!"
"THEY TOOK OUR TOAD!?" the other guard asked.
"THEY TOOK OUR TOAD!" the guard with the binocular responded.
"TOOK OUR TOADLES!" the other guard said.
The two guards grabbed the third, big and fat guard, and loaded him into the cannon. The two guards then aim the cannon at where the trio is.
"FIRE!" The guards shouted as they fired the Big Fat Guard out of the cannon.
"I Believe I can Fly" plays while Big Fat Guard soars through the skies
Meanwhile…
Aqua and Kazuma kept on bickering until Aqua noticed the Big Fat Guard flying towards them.
"Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh sh…!" Aqua tried to run out of the way but ended up getting crushed by the Big Fat Guard landing on top of her.
Kazuma gasped in shock, "OH NO!" he shouted as he ran up to the pole, ignoring Aqua yet again, "Are you okay pole?" he hugged the pole in concern then glared at the Big Fat Guard, "Thanks a lot fatass!"
The Big Fat Guard kept sitting up and down on top of Aqua who cried out in pain every time, "This is what I do! I sit on you! Sit on you! I sit on you! Sit on you! I sit on you! Right on your lap!" the guard sang.
Aqua had enough as she grabs the Big Fat Guard and lifts him over her head, "GET OFF YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH!" she shouted in rage as she threw him off with all her strength.
A red vein sticks out of her forehead
"YIKES!" Kazuma got out of the way, but unfortunately, the Big Fat Guard crashed into the pole, smashing it to bits and unchaining the Big Toad in the process.
Metal Gear Alert sound effect plays when Kazuma and Big Toad saw this
"RUN BITCH! RUUUUUUUUUNNNN!" Kazuma yelled in panic as he started running for the hills.
"Huh? Huh!? HUH!?" Aqua looked at the destroyed pole, then at the broken chain and finally at the Big Toad who stared at her with an evil expression.
"Who Let the Toads Out?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! KAZUMA-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" Aqua screamed in panic upon realizing the danger she was in as she ran after Kazuma, with the Big Toad chasing after her, smashing the camera in the process.
"Who Let the Toads Out?"
Kazuma and Aqua screamed in panic at the top of their lungs as the massive toad monster chased after them like a predator going after its prey.
"Who Let the Toads Out?"
A traveling merchant who was minding his own business saw Kazuma and Aqua run past him, "What's all the commotion…?" he wondered until he noticed Big Toad, "OH MY FUCKING…!" he shouted before getting run over by Big Toad who was driving a sport car and wearing pixel shades, for some reason.
"It's rapping time!" Big Toad said with an evil expression.
"WHO LET THE TOADS OUT?"
They run by a bard, who was singing this very same background song while playing his lute, until…
"GET OVER HERE!" Aqua shouted as she grabbed the bard over her head and threw him at the Big Toad, hitting him in the forehead. Sadly, all that did was make him angry.
The chase continued as the bard recovered and continued the song like nothing happened.
Megumin was seen playing with Chomusuke, when she noticed the duo.
"Oh, Hi Kazuma! Hi Aqua!" Megumin greeted them.
"MEGUMIN! RUN!" Kazuma and Aqua shouted at her as they ran past her.
"Huh?" Megumin watched them in confusion, "Why? What's going on?"
Chomusuke tugged Megumin to get her attention and pointed out the Big Toad headed in their direction.
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! WAIT FOR US GUYS!" Megumin screamed in panic as she ran after Kazuma and Aqua while holding Chomusuke in her arms.
"Well, the party was nice the party was pumpin'!
Yeah! Eep-e-Yayoo!
And everybody's having a ball!
Yeah! Eep-e-Yayoo!
Until the fellas started name callin'!
Yeah! Eep-e-Yayoo!
And the girls respond to the call!
I hear a woman shout out:
Who Let the Toads Out!"
The chase continued throughout the whole town, causing chaos and mayhem as the Big Toad destroyed everything in its path while chasing after its prey. The chase ultimately led them to Darkness' mansion as they kicked the doors open, running into Darkness, YunYun and Wiz inside.
"WHAT THE FUCK!?" The three of them shouted in confusion.
"RUN BITCHES! RUUUUUUUUNNN!" Kazuma, Aqua and Megumin grabbed Darkness, Wiz and YunYun respectively and took refuge down to the mansion's basement, shutting the door under lock and key.
"WHO LET THE TOADS OUT!"
The song ends
Big Toad broke into the mansion, but lost sight of its prey as it looked around in frustration.
In the basement…
"Oooooooohhh…" Wiz ended up fainting in shock from the experience.
"What in the world was THAT!?" YunYun asked.
Kazuma took a moment to catch his breath, "THAT…was ONE! BIG! SCARY! TOAD!" he responded.
"NOOOOO! I DON'T WANNA DIE! I'M TOO CUTE TO BE BIG TOAD CHOW!" Aqua curled into a ball in the corner, bawling her eyes out.
Kazuma smiled warmly to her as he went to comfort her, "Don't worry Aqua. We just have to wait here, and people will come find us." He said that with confidence.
"Really?" Aqua asked with tears in her eyes.
"Positive!" Kazuma said.
Suddenly they hear a high-pitched alarm coming from upstairs along with the smell of something burning. They all looked up with confusion looks on their faces, except for Darkness.
Question marks appeared above their heads, except for Darkness
"AAAAAH! THE MEATLOAF!" Darkness screamed in panic as she ran out of the basement to go turn off the stove. Unfortunately, she ran into the Big Toad outside.
"Uh oh…" she said.
Big Toad proceeded into gobbling Darkness up and starts chewing on her as she screamed in pain while inside its mouth. Then Big Toad spat her out, sending her flying back into the basement, as she landed in a face down and butt up position and covered in Toad drool.
"My scrotum…" she murmured in pain before falling into a state of ecstasy "And yet… it feeeeels soooo goooood!"
"WHAT!?" Kazuma yelled in anger as he glared down at Darkness, "Did you actually leave the stove on Darkness!?"
"Oooooooh yeaaaaaaaah…" Darkness moaned in pleasure before she looked at Kazuma, "…Oh, I mean... yes, I did…"
"YOU...STUPID...BITCH!" Kazuma roared in anger while doing the angry meme face, "This whole place is going to BURN DOWN if NOBODY turns OFF that stove!"
"Don't worry! Leave it to me! I'll turn the stove off!" YunYun volunteered.
And so YunYun left the basement to go turn off the stove. Good news: she snuck past the Big Toad undetected. Bad news: as soon as she got close to the stove, she started running around with her butt on fire, while screaming like a banshee, because the fire from the burning stove had already spread all over the room.
YunYun came back to the basement, laid on the floor, rubbing her burned up tush and tears in her eyes.
"What happened?" Kazuma asked.
"The stove put me in the hot seat…" YunYun whimpered tearfully.
Kazuma sighed, "I guess turning the stove off is out of the question now. But still, we can't just sit around, we need to fix this now!" he turns to Aqua, "And you gotta help us!"
"NO!" Aqua shouted as she hides her face with a wooden box over her head.
Kazuma got an idea as she smiled smugly and leaned in close to Aqua, "You know? It would be a real shame if that Big Toad got a hold of your booze."
Hearing this, Aqua took off the wooden box, revealing a pissed expression, "NO! NO, NO, NO! HELL NO!"
Without hesitation, Aqua heads out of the basement. Outside, she finds Big Toad taking a peaceful nap. Seizing this opportunity, Aqua walks on the tip of her toes up to the broken chain hanging off the toad's neck, pulling out a wooden stake and a hammer.
DING! DONG!
Suddenly someone rang the bell, waking the Big Toad up. Aqua nearly panicked but managed to hide before it noticed her. The Big Toad went to answer the door.
"HI! HOW CAN I HELP YOU!?" Big Toad greeted enthusiastically.
"Greetings mortal creature! I am the great demon lord, Milim Nava!" Milim Nava (from the hit series "That Time I got Reincarnated as a Smile") was at the door, as she introduced herself enthusiastically.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS A "MILIM"!?" Big Toad asked in confusion.
"…" Milim stared at Big Toad with a sour expression.
"…Wanna be friends?" Big Toad asked her.
"OK!" Milim smiled happily.
Big Toad and Milim Nava became friends, on "IsekaiBook" (a parody of Facebook)
After saying their goodbyes, Big Toad went back inside the mansion. He then noticed a nearby refrigerator which had all of Aqua's bottles of wine, beer and other beverages inside.
Aqua came out of hiding and saw the Big Toad back asleep, but he also had her beverages inside its mouth.
"Oh no fucking way!" Aqua roared in anger.
A blue vein sticks out of her forehead
Aqua sneaks up to the Big Toad on the tip of her toes as she tries to reach out to her bottles of booze inside the Big Toad's mouth.
Kazuma peaked his head out the basement and saw what Aqua was doing, much to his horror, "The hell are you doing Aqua!?" he whispered.
Aqua managed to pull one bottle out and tries to drink it, but ends up spitting it out afterwards, "What the hell!? This tastes like shit!"
Big Toad opened his eyes and noticed Aqua trying to reach out to more bottles. Having none of that, Big Toad suddenly fired a "Shoop-da-Whoop" styled energy beam from its mouth, basting Aqua right in the face, as she screamed in pain.
Later, back at the basement…
"Son of a Bitch!" Aqua cried in the corner as her face was covered in soot from the beam attack.
Kazuma sighed as he looked to the side and saw Megumin, Darkness and YunYun (who was sitting her burned tush on a block of ice), all playing "Super Smash Bros. Ultimate" the big flat screen. Megumin was playing as Sephiroth, Darkness was playing as Princess Zelda and YunYun was playing as Kirby. After an intense match, YunYun came out of top.
"Kirby Wins!" the announcer said.
"WHAT THE FUCK!?" Megumin jawdropped in shock.
"Yay! I won!" YunYun cheered cutely.
"HOW THE FUCK COULD SEPHIROTH LOSE TO A PINK BLOB!?" Megumin yelled.
"Megumin, calm down. It's just a game." Darkness said.
Kazuma watched them from the distance until he noticed someone missing, "Uh guys? Where's Wiz?"
"Oh, Wiz said she wanted to help out, so I sent her to turn off the stove." Aqua responded.
"WHAT!?" Kazuma flabbergasted.
Meanwhile…
Wiz literally walked through the fire and the flames while singing "I believe in miracles" as she reached the stove and pushed the power button, turning it off.
"YAY! I did it!" Wiz did a cute little victory dance.
Unfortunately, the damage was already down as the fire had spread everywhere and the whole place was coming down bit by bit.
Later…
Wiz was back in the basement, lying unconscious and her whole body burned to a crisp. Kazuma and Aqua stared at her before they looked at each other.
"Well, what can I say? She didn't have anything to do, and she was up for it!" Aqua said in her defense.
"Oh, I guess that makes sense." Kazuma said.
Kazuma grabbed Wiz's body and threw her out of the basement and it landed right in the middle of the entrance hall, "Did the bait work?" he asked.
Aqua walked out of the basement to check, only to notice Big Toad was gone, "Huh? Where did that big ugly monster go?"
Kazuma feels the ground shaking, "Hey, do you feel that?"
Back in the basement, Megumin, Darkness and YunYun were now playing Mario Party Superstars, when suddenly, Big Toad smashed his head through the TV Screen.
"Surprise Motherfuckers!" Big Toad said with an evil expression.
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" The three girls screamed in panic and they all ran out of the basement, joining Kazuma and Aqua.
The Big Toad chased after the group who tried to run out the front door but…something, or rather someone was blocking the door!
"This is what I do! I sit on you! Sit on you!" The Big Fat Guard was singing and doing a little dance while also blocking the mansion's front door.
"Oh SHIT!" Kazuma and the others soon found themselves cornered as Big Toad creeped up towards them, like a predator about to pounce on its prey.
Megumin put on a brave face and stepped forward, "You guys go! Chomusuke and I got this!"
"Megumin!?" Kazuma asked in shock.
"You're not going to use Explosion Magic on him while INDOORS are you!?" YunYun asked, "Don't! You'll bring the whole place down on us if you do!"
"I know that…which is why we brought…THESE!" Megumin and Chomusuke pulled out a pair of Gatling Guns out of nowhere. They were also wearing pixel shades for some reason.
"EAT THIS!" Megumin shouted as she and Chomusuke fired their Gatling Guns at Big Toad, blowing it away.
This gave Kazuma and the others the opening they needed to make their escape. Since the front door was a no-go, they tried to go upstairs, only to find it on fire because of the burning stove.
"I'M ON FIRE!" one of the mansion's aids screamed while on fire.
"Nope!" Kazuma shut the door.
"Quick! Through here!" Darkness led them down another hallway that leads towards the backdoor. Kazuma and the others followed her lead.
Megumin and Chomusuke kept firing their Gatling Guns at the Big Toad until they ran out of ammo.
"Uh oh…" Megumin said as she and Chomusuke realized the danger they were in now.
Sweatdrops rolled down the sides of their heads
Big Toad glares at them evilly as he pulls out a gun on them. Megumin and Chomusuke try to put on a brave act as they pose together.
"Come at us bro! You mad?" Megumin taunted.
Big Toad fires Spontaneous Bootay (from South Park) out of his gun, crushing both Megumin and Chomusuke, knocking them both out.
Meanwhile…
Kazuma and the others were running towards the backdoor. Suddenly Aqua trips and falls, Kazuma stops for a moment, while Darkness and YunYun kept going until they got out the backdoor.
"Aqua?" Kazuma asked.
"Go on…without me…" Aqua said dramatically.
"OK!" Kazuma gave her the troll face before running for the backdoor.
"YOU OTAKU SON OF A BITCH!" Aqua screamed in rage as she got up and chased after Kazuma.
A blue vein sticks out of her forehead
Before they could get out through the backdoor, Big Toad suddenly crashed through the ceiling, blocking their path.
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Kazuma and Aqua screamed as they turned around and ran down the stairs leading down to the sewers below the mansion.
Sometime later…
The sewer system below the mansion was like a maze, which worked in Kazuma and Aqua's favor as they seemingly lost sight of Big Toad.
"Okay, I think we lost it." Kazuma said as he looked around the corner.
He looked back and saw Aqua curling into a ball and bawling her eyes out again.
"Don't be like that! We're going to live!" Kazuma tried to motivate her, until he heard a monstrous croak from the distance, "Uh oh…"
"This is it…Game Over…Goodbye…Megumin…Darkness…Wiz…YunYun…Chomusuke…Eris…YOU STUPID BITCH!" Aqua remembered all her friends but cursed that last one because she hates her out of jealousy.
"Hey! Grow a pair!" Kazuma said before realizing what he said, "Wait, I mean, show some guts already!"
"It's not possible!" Aqua bawled.
"Wow! What an asshole!" someone spoke while standing next to Aqua.
Aqua flinched as she looked to the side and saw Big Toad who came out of nowhere like some kind of slasher movie villain.
"KYAAAAAAAAAAA!" Aqua screamed as she ran to Kazuma's side and hid behind him.
Big Toad slowly approached the two of them as Kazuma trembled in fear and Aqua hides behind him in fear.
"S-S-Stay back! I-I-I'm warning you!" Kazuma trembled as she tried to act brave.
"Prepare your butt!" Big Toad threatened.
Kazuma screamed like a woman in a horror movie as he pulled out a Power Star out of his pocket and threw it at Big Toad, hitting him on the forehead. This turned it all gold and shiny and started flapping his mouth open and shut while making this weird sound effect: "Wakka-wakka-wakka-wakka-wakkka-wakka".
Aqua saw this and glared at Kazuma, "Kazuma-san, are you actually STUPID!?" she screamed at him.
"I PANICKED, OKAY? SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Kazuma screamed back at her.
Red veins stick out of their foreheads, one on each of them
They stop arguing when they notice that now Powered-up Big Toad headed for them. They scream at the top of their lungs as they run away together down the sewer pathways with Powered-up Big Toad chasing after them.
The chase went on for about ten minutes before they hit a dead end.
"Oh no!" Aqua exclaimed.
"Well…crap." Kazuma looked back as the Powered-up Big Toad was closing in on them.
But luck suddenly shifted to their side when the Power-up ran out and Big Toad returned to normal. Big Toad looked shocked.
Aqua snapped in anger as she glared at Big Toad, "I am sick of your shit!" she yelled as she was fed up with this "Cat and Mouse" game and pulled out a bomb out of her pocket.
"NO AQUA DON'T DO IT!" Kazuma yelled in a panic.
Aqua ignored Kazuma's warnings and threw the bomb at Big Toad, who looked all sad all of a sudden.
"I just wanted to be your friend." Big Toad said tearfully.
"I'm so sorry!" Kazuma said emotionally.
"Well, I don't give a fuck!" Aqua said coldly as she "Flipped the Bird" at Big Toad.
BOOOOOOOOM!
Big Toad was sent flying out of the sewers and the mansion by the bomb's explosion, as he disappeared into a distance with a twinkle in the sky.
Meanwhile…
Back at the spot where the Big Toad used to be chained to, the guard who was the actual owner of the Big Toad stood there in front of a tombstone with a picture of Big Toad, as he mourned the "death" of his pet. Not too far the two guards in charge of the cannon watched.
"They took his Toad!" The first guard said.
"THEY DOOK BIZ TOOEEED!" the second guard yelled.
Suddenly, Big Toad fell out of the sky after getting hit by Aqua's bomb falling right on top of his own and the tombstone, destroying it. Big Toad got up and croaked happily as he licked his owner.
"HO...LY...FUCK!" the first guard exclaimed.
"TOOOESS BIIIIZ BBBBBUUUUCCKKK!" the second guard exclaimed.
And finally…
Kazuma, Aqua and all their friends miraculously survived the whole ordeal as they all gathered outside the mansion. Megumin and Chomusuke were covered in casts while recovering from being crushed alive, YunYun was still sitting on a block of ice to heal her burned tush, Darkness and Kazuma were staring in horror at the mansion that was now on fire thanks to the burning stove, now made worse by Aqua's bomb, and Aqua…she was the only one celebrating her "victory" over Big Toad.
"Oh yeah! Victory!" Aqua did her cute little victory dance, striking a pose with her fans and water fountain trick.
Aqua then looks at the camera, "And nothing of value was lost!" she said with a cute smile, while the mansion burned down to the ground behind her.
THE END…FOR NOW
Wiz pops up, "Hey guys! I'm not dead! Yay!" Suddenly Big Fat Guard falls on top of her, while still singing "This is what I do! I sit on you! Sit on you!"
A/N: Well, I dunno what to really say, other than that this idea suddenly popped into my head and made a parody of SMG4's work with Kazuma and Aqua in the roles of SMG4 and Mario respectively. I also dunno if I'll make more or not but well see. Until next time, R&R please.