Author's Note: This story will contain scenes and topics that could be triggering to some readers so if domestic violence in any form upsets you I would skip reading this story. This story will not be for the faint of heart especially in future chapters. However if you are hoping to glimpse how love can be misconstrued with control and obsession and question what is abuse and why some victims stay after they've accepted that the relationship they are in is a toxic one then you have come to the right place and please enjoy the story!
Passionate Desperation
Chapter 1: Aren't I Your Number One?
"Why…does this keep happening?" Alfred asked himself in a barely audible whisper. The reflection staring back at him from the large mirror over the double sink wasn't a pretty sight. Multiple black and blue bruises starkly stood out over his torso, legs, and upper arms. His right cheek ached as he continued to swish water around his mouth and spit out strands of blood that stubbornly stuck to the bowl of the sink. 'He usually avoids my face and never does it this hard…why did he get so angry this time?' Alfred took a deep breath and held it for a minute before blowing it out and replaying the events from the previous day in his mind.
"Hey there stranger! Long time no see!" Gilbert called out as he strutted across the lawn of the university campus. "Despite my all too awesome natural appearance you're seen so seldom around here lately people are starting to call you the ghost"
"Oh yeah?" Alfred replied with a crooked smile. "I would have hoped for something more original from college students. Couldn't they have thought up something cooler like the poltergeist, the phantom, or the specter?"
"Seriously? Everyone's too busy with their own lives to put in that much effort with a nickname. Besides the ghost nails it! A poltergeist haunts something which you aren't here enough to do; as dramatic as you can be you aren't studying the arts so no phantom stalking for you and even if you were absent because you have another identity as a vigilante I'm pretty sure the specter is already a comic book character. No if there is a sighting of you the image brought to mind is confused lost boy who coldly ignores his one time close friends, slips in and out of places before anyone can really notice…and even your once sun kissed tan is becoming a little pasty. They picked the perfect name for you on the first try. For real where have you been lately?" replied Gilbert.
"Oh you know, just got busy with work and school and spending time with Kiku of course" Alfred twisted his fingers through the hair behind the back of his hair awkwardly.
"That's all fine but you should still make time for your friends. There's more to life than work and screwing your boyfriend" Gilbert smirked at his last remark as Alfred's face flushed a bright pink. "Tell you what, me and some of the old gang were planning to meet up at the bar we all used to hang out at after classes. Why don't you swing by and show your face before someone files a missing person report on you"
"I don't know. Kiku prefers we stay in since we're still getting on our feet and going out is so expensive" Alfred replied keeping his gaze on the ground.
"You don't need his permission to go out and see your friends. Especially when it's not like you do it all that often" Gilbert retorted.
'Should I go? He does make some good points…but Kiku doesn't get off work til late so he wouldn't be able to come with me' Alfred thought as he continued to stare at his shoes.
"Look" Gilbert sighed. "A round of appetizers is on me and after that you can scoot on home if you want. You can't tell me that's going to be a problem"
'He's right. I haven't gone out with anyone in ages and I'm not the type to stay in and only have real contact with one person. Kiku fell in love with me for who I am. I wouldn't be me if I didn't go' Alfred decided.
"That sounds great. See you later!" Alfred smiled and finally made eye contact with an affirmative nod.
"Good. I'll save you a seat so try to be on time" replied Gilbert as he made his way back the way he had come.
'Even if he won't be able to join us I'll still tell him where I'm going in case he makes it home first' Alfred thought as he pulled out his phone and tapped out a text message. 'There and send!'
"Bollocks! You just cost me $5.00!" Arthur scolded as Alfred approached the long table hugging the back corner of the bar.
"A pleasure not only making a fool of you but raking in some of your spending money" Francis practically sang as he snatched the bill from the Englishman's fingers.
"How's that?" Alfred asked taking a seat inbetween Gilbert and Feliciano.
"Like his eye color Arthur is so jaded he bet you wouldn't be joining us tonight despite my assurance you weren't dead in a ditch somewhere" answered Gilbert.
"Why hang out with old friends when you've clearly found something better to do with your time?" Arthur replied snarkily.
"I do believe you misspoke Gil. His eyes are green with jealousy" smirked Ludwig from Gilbert's other side. Arthur's face flushed at the remark.
"Hardly! I don't need some empty headed flake bringing his drama into my life. That's Kiku's problem and he can have it!" Arthur barked.
"Don't say that! We always have more fun when Al's here too!" Feliciano piped in.
"Now that everyone's here can we order now?" Lovino grunted.
"You guys didn't have to wait for me!" Alfred replied.
"Relax we've barely been here ten minutes" Francis assured him.
"Three combo appetizer platters sound good to start with?" Gilbert asked eyeing Alfred.
"As long as they're for everybody" Alfred replied warily.
"Is that what you tell yourself when you scarf down most of it before the rest of us get a chance?" quipped Arthur. Laughter echoed from around the table as their waitress approached them.
"No meal for you Alfred?" asked Ludwig once everyone had ordered.
"No I can't stay too long. I feel a little guilty that we're all here having a good time when Kiku couldn't make it" replied Alfred.
"Oh please. You're fun but loud. Kiku would probably love an evening of peace and quiet" retorted Lovino.
"I must agree and the day you don't pig out on that outrageous bacon cheese burger is the day Hell freezes over" added Arthur.
"Leave it to you to know my kryptonite but not trust me to show up when I say I will" chuckled Alfred.
"Kiku may be your first relationship but everyone who knows you even a little bit knows your first love is food" Francis smiled.
"Nothing wrong with that! Especially since you can always share a good meal with others whereas relationships can make things tense" said Feliciano. An awkward pause settled over the table as Arthur and Ludwig gave Feliciano and Alfred furtive glances.
"D-does Kiku's and mine's relationship make you guys uncomfortable?" Alfred asked taken aback.
Not at all! We're thrilled you found someone who makes you happy! Feli's just the odd one out since he hasn't found someone to get serious with yet" Francis replied quickly.
"Exactly. In fact I think we're all eager to get to know Kiku better. We should arrange something where we can regularly all spend time together" assured Ludwig.
"Yeah, I think that would be fun" Alfred agreed relieved.
"Great! Then let's pick a day and time for next week. If we don't lock you into a schedule who knows when we'll get you back into the routine of regularly coming out with us" said Gilbert.
"I'll have to talk to Kiku about when would work best for him but if I don't get back to you in a couple days then you can come drag us out of our apartment" smiled Alfred.
"We'll hold you to that so if you don't make plans with us we may come for you when you least want visitors" smirked Francis mischievously.
"Believe me we'll keep our date. Kiku and I like our privacy" replied Alfred.
"Three combo appetizers comin' in hot!" called the waitress as she gracefully approached with a large tray. The group leaned out of the girl's way as she spaced the plates evenly down the length of the table.
"Excuse me miss our friend changed his mind about an entrée. He'd like the deluxe bacon cheese burger with fries on the side" said Arthur.
"You got it, I'll get that put right in for you" the girl replied as she swiftly went back to the kitchen.
"It's my treat so don't argue. Call it an apology for doubting you'd show up" Arthur said once the waitress was out of ear shot and before Alfred could protest.
"Thank you" Alfred replied softly.
"Awww! You must have really missed Al! You never treat me to anything when you haven't seen me in a long time!" Feliciano gushed.
"Oh shut it!" Arthur growled which only incited another round of laughter.
'These guys…they must have really missed our get togethers. I should think of something super special to do to thank them' Alfred thought as his heart gave a little pitter patter at the warmth spreading throughout his chest.
"So let's see now, two potato skins for Alfred and one for me" said Gilbert as he plucked 3 potato skins from one of the large platters and distributed them between the two plates.
"Then I'll sample a chicken tender so Alfred will have two" added Ludwig as he mirrored his brother.
"Hey!" Alfred protested as his plate filled with food.
"I know math isn't your strongest subject but we all abide by the two for Alfred for every one for us ratio" stated Francis as he gently tossed two cheese sticks onto Alfred's plate and then added one to his own.
"But why?" Alfred asked bewildered.
"Because no one has more of an appetite than you do" replied Lovino adding garlic knots to his plate.
"Yeah it's like watching one of those food eating challenges wondering if you'll be able to eat every bite without having left overs and then wondering how you manage to eat it all every time without gaining the weight that would require someone to have their big butt have one cheek on two chairs like most people who eat like that would" Feliciano piped in.
"My theory used to be that you had a tape worm or something of the likes but now I wonder if it's just that you've discovered a delightful way to burn the calories by way of a certain activity. Have you added a little something to your workout routine?" interjected Francis.
"I've always worked out like a champ! I've told you before how much I wanted to be a detective when I was a kid!" Alfred flushed a deep scarlet at Francis's insinuation.
"So you'll look fit until you make detective then have your primary food choice be donuts and all those fats and sugars will show like we keep expecting?" Arthur snickered.
"Do you still want to join the police force? I only ask because you're taking the generally required classes now right? Are you planning to sign up for criminal law classes once you've gotten the basic classes completed?" asked Ludwig.
"I…don't know. I've loved superheroes and action heroes and all the procedural dramas that were on tv when I was growing up. I always wanted to be someone who helped people and got justice for those who couldn't get it themselves. After my parents went missing I wanted to be the one who saw the piece of the puzzle that everyone else somehow overlooked and could bring the mysteries that would otherwise plague people for the rest of their lives some kind of closure. But now I don't know if I could handle real crimes. Having to see mutilated bodies and not fall apart if I can't bring the bad guys to justice and disappoint their loved ones in the process. And I struggle with some of the process like taking pictures of people who are already victims and even though it's supposed to help I just can't get on board with what medical examiners do. It feels like we're desecrating someone again and even though it's for a different reason if a killer dissected or dismembered someone it would be a crime but because someone else works for the state it's not a crime for them to do those things? I guess I just get squeamish and overly sensitive about those things…"Alfred replied keeping his gaze firmly on the edge of the table as he spoke.
"You're an empathetic person is all. I think someone who can't put themselves in someone else's shoes and think of preserving their dignity after already having to endure a trauma isn't someone I would want at my side if a tragedy happened to me" Gilbert said gently.
"That's right and you can still be in law enforcement and help people without being a homicide detective. You could do something with computers or a type of advocate for getting live victims help or a lawmaker to help protect people from becoming victims at all. Or maybe you could take a few different classes and you'll find a career you'll love that you haven't even given thought to yet" added Ludwig.
"Yeah! Sorry about the depressing turn there you guys! I'm supposed to entertain you by stuffing my face so let's dig in before the food gets cold!" replied Alfred snapping his smile back into place and then taking an over sized bite of a potato skin. "Ack!" he exclaimed around the mouth full.
"What!?" Feli cried in alarm. Tears welled up in Alfred's eyes and he dropped his jaw and fanned at his mouth as steam poured out.
"Did you burn your tongue or the roof of your mouth?" asked Arthur as he picked up his silverware and cut his appetizers into smaller pieces allowing the steam to billow out over his plate.
"Both" whined Alfred before closing his mouth and swallowing hard.
"Really, you never learn" sighed Francis shaking his head.
"It's almost like rewatching your favorite movie. You know what's going to happen but it never gets old" chuckled Gilbert. Alfred chugged half of his pepsi before carefully biting into a chicken tender.
"I can't help it! My eyes know they're going to be delicious which makes me salivate and my stomach growl and I just can't wait when they're right in front of me!" Alfred replied through a mouthful.
"I hope you boys left room for your entrees!" called their waitress as she returned with a fold out table and another waitress followed behind her carrying two oversized serving platters.
"I'm sorry to do this to you again miss but could I get the fish dinner to go please?" asked Alfred.
"Sure thing and it's no trouble. You're helping me get my steps in for today" she replied flashing the fit bit on her wrist before distributing the meals.
"Even though he couldn't join us tonight I still can at least bring home dinner" he clarified once the two waitresses were again out of ear shot.
"That's so thoughtful! You're such a good boyfriend, I hope Kiku knows how lucky he is to have landed someone like you" replied Feliciano.
"I'm the one that's lucky. Since we moved in together I've never lived in a cleaner place or eaten better meals! He's really helping me get a good routine down and I couldn't be happier learning these things from someone who cares about me instead of taking a class or someone only showing me how to do something one time instead of practicing with me until I could do it right in my sleep" said Alfred warmly. Ludwig grabbed Alfred's wrist as he reached for his burger.
"Wait five minutes before you bite into that. It's so hot you won't be able to taste it until then and the grease will only burn your mouth all over again" he indicated his watch as he released his wrist.
"It's good to know I've still got someone looking out for me even when Kiku isn't here! He's always telling me I eat too much too fast and all the indigestion and stuff that causes!" replied Alfred placing his hand next to his silverware.
"It sounds like he's trying to teach you how to take better care of yourself. I wish him the best of luck; especially since all my attempts thus far has failed" said Arthur again cutting his food into bite sized pieces.
"You lack patience when teaching how to clean and you can't teach someone how to cook when the stuff you make is barely considered edible!" Francis taunted as he daintily cut into his meal and took a bite. Alfred instantly snatched up his burger and bit into it.
"What did I just tell you!? What does my watch say?" demanded Ludwig raising his wrist watch to eye level.
"If Francis can eat his mine should be cool enough" Alfred muttered as he chewed. "Besides I like my food just under hot enough to burn my stomach" he added as he swallowed.
"Kiku certainly has his work cut out for him" Ludwig sighed as he returned his attention to his own plate.
"This is the show we all wanted to see. Don't change a good thing" piped up Lovino. A few minutes later the waitress returned with the check and a Styrofoam container tied in a plastic bag that she set next to Alfred's plate.
"Thanks so much for inviting me out you guys! I had the best time!" Alfred said placing some cash in the center of the table. "We definitely have to do this again soon when Kiku can come!" he grabbed his to go bag and waved as he headed for the door.
"Bye! And remember if we don't hear from you soon we'll come hunt you down!" called Gilbert. Alfred raised his hand over his head in a dismissive wave without turning around.
'Man I didn't even know how much I needed that!' Alfred smiled to himself as he walked to the bus stop. 'I can't wait to do this again and once Kiku gets comfortable with everyone it'll be perfect!'
The local bus pulled to a stop just ahead of him and Alfred lightly jogged up to the line that had formed to get on. Ten minutes later he stepped off the bus and jauntily made his way up to the apartment.
"Kiku! I'm home!" he called cheerily into the dark, quiet space. Silence answered him as he switched on a light and slipped out of his shoes. 'Must be working overtime' he decided as he placed the to go bag into the refrigerator. 'If he's working overtime I guess I won't see him until morning. Better get to bed then so I'll get up early enough to have breakfast with him' he thought as he padded down the hallway to the bedroom.
"Why are you in so late?" Kiku asked stepping from the office that was directly across the bedroom; effectively blocking Alfred's path.
"Kiku! I called out that I was home, didn't you hear me?" asked Alfred.
"You should have been home hours ago" Kiku stated. "I left your dinner in the microwave"
"I texted you I was meeting some friends at our old place, didn't you see it? It was just to catch up over some drinks and appetizers but they insisted I stay and treated me to dinner. I brought home a fish dinner for you though I just put it in the fridge-" replied Alfred as a searing slap snapped his neck to the side.
"You would rather be treated by people who pity you and see you like a stray dog that comes running any time it gets scraps from the table? Instead of sharing your meal with the one person who loves you enough to want to share not only every meal with you but a bed, a home, and a life? Which of these friends wants to have that with you?" Kiku demanded fury darkening his usually handsome features.
"It's not like that; they're not like that" Alfred responded stunned as a metallic flavor coated his tongue and a pain spread on the inside of his mouth opposite from his burning cheek where his tooth had cut into it.
"No? Not a word was said of your eating habits? No laughter came at your expense?" pressed Kiku.
"Well…they weren't laughing at me it was with me. We had a great time and they want to make it a regular thing again-" Alfred replied.
"How many times have I tried to tell you nothing in life is ever free? Since they got the check this time how many people are you picking up the check for next time?" Kiku continued.
"I said eating out was expensive so it won't be all the time! And they really just want to meet my boyfriend!" Alfred exclaimed as a fist slammed into his stomach causing him to double over and his breath to violently tear through him in a gasp that left his lungs aching. Kiku grasped his hair and forced him to make eye contact.
"Never. Speak. To. Others. About. Our. Finances." Kiku growled his normally brown eyes darkening to the coal black of a great white shark.
'I…can't…breathe!' Alfred panicked as he struggled to suck air in from his gaping rasping mouth.
"Argh! Having other people know we're not on our feet yet is so embarrassing! Don't you understand how humiliating it is for me not to be able to afford to have you be able to do anything you want whenever you want?!" Kiku snapped as he clenched and unclenched his fist. Alfred inhaled short choked breaths as his lungs slowly fought to reinflate and he struggled to return to his full height. "You reek of that bar. Take a shower before you come to bed" Kiku dismissed him as he disappeared into their bedroom. Alfred stumbled a few steps further down the hall to the bathroom using the wall for support. He clumsily made his way over to the shower and turned the water on.
'Why is he so angry? Why hit me? Why attack my friends when he barely knows them?' Alfred's head spun as he pushed his jeans and underwear to the floor. He approached the mirror as he pulled his shirt over his head and inspected his cheek and stomach. His stomach appeared fine other than the erratic pulse of his breathing attempting to return to normal. His cheek however shone an irritated red from his cheekbone to his chin. He managed a deep breath then lifted one leg off to the side to pull off his sock.
"Alfred" Kiku called from the doorway. Startled by his sudden calm voice Alfred lost his balance, tripped over the side of the low tub and crashed into the shelf holding their bathing items before landing face first onto the drain. "Alfred!" Kiku cried as he rushed over to the tub. "Are you ok? Let me help you!" he carefully reached down and pulled one arm and shoulder over so Alfred could turn over onto his back. "You'll definitely have some bruises…are you in a lot of pain?"
"I'll be fine" Alfred replied in a strained breath.
"Very well but I will help you wash" Kiku said as he removed his glasses and placed them on the sink counter. As Alfred struggled up onto his elbows the water pouring over his face made it difficult to appreciate Kiku nimbly unbutton his shirt then let it flutter down to join the pile of Alfred's clothes. "I came in here to apologize. I should not have lost my temper and struck you. I am ashamed I had so little self control"
In a practiced motion he slid out of his pants, socks and underwear as gracefully as a snake sheds its skin. "I do not mean to make excuses but you are my number one. The one who has my heart, my mind, my body" he continued as he stepped into the tub and kneeled over Alfred. "When I think of doing anything it is for us. At work it's to make money to give us a good home and provide for anything we want. At the store I think of what foods will make you smile while nourishing your body" he picked up a fallen loofa and added a few drops of soap before beginning to lather Alfred's feet and work his way up his legs. The soothing scent, gentle caresses and the intense gaze of his lover darting over his exposed flesh bringing a blush that evened out the coloring of his cheeks. "The thought of anyone else seeing you so vulnerable drives me crazy" his caresses turning faster and pressing harder as he maneuvered around and in between Alfred's thighs. "You were not my first lover but I was yours and after you first gave yourself to me I instantly felt I had to protect you from anyone who would take advantage of you"
"Kiku-" Alfred breathed as Kiku dropped the loofa and allowed his soapy fingers to stroke the length of Alfred's quickly stiffening cock.
"When you looked at me when we first started dating I could tell you loved me. Depended on me. Trusted me completely. I had never felt so connected to anyone. You had given yourself to me completely, held nothing back and I have fallen just as hard for you. No one is or ever will be as important to me as you are. I need you to assure me that you feel the same way still. The best anyone else could ever hope to be is second place; a side character who could never hold a candle to me" Kiku asserted.
"Ah!" Alfred gasped and threw his head back as waves of pleasure shot up his spine the way lights on a Ferris wheel blink up its rotating arms in the dark.
"That's not an answer" Kiku said quietly as he removed his hand and Alfred's hips involuntarily bucked at the sudden disappearance of Kiku's fingers.
"Only you. I only want you to touch me. You're the only one I love" Alfred proclaimed snapping his head back down showing the lustful haze that made his stunning blue eyes cloud over and yet pop with an electric anticipation at the same time. Kiku smiled and returned to stroking Alfred's member.
"I want you to always feel that way about me because I know there will never be anyone else for me but you" Kiku said as he leaned over and tenderly kissed Alfred's parted, panting lips. A moment later Alfred groaned as his bucked and his seed spilt over Kiku's hand then flowed over his hips. His elbows gave out with satisfaction and he fell flat to the bottom of the tub breaking a kiss.
"Oh my Alfred I do not think you really understand just how sexy you are" Kiku breathed, his eyes reflecting the same lust and anticipation. "Turn over onto your knees I cannot hold out any longer.
Alfred obliged getting onto his hands and knees his derriere prostrated before Kiku while the shower water drenched his head and shoulders.
"I know it's easier this way but I'm so embarrassed with this position" Alfred said as his fingers traced small random lines and circles through the water clinging to the edge and bottom of the tub.
"You can trust me. I would never do something you were uncomfortable with" Kiku replied as he poured a few drops of lubricant onto his fingers and gently inserted his index finger into Alfred's rectum.
"Ah!" Alfred breathed in sharply as the finger probed and circled around inside of him.
"Are you ready for the next one?" Kiku asked placing his other hand lightly over his lower back to steady him.
"Mmmhmm" he moaned and bobbed his head affirmatively. Kiku removed his index finger only to plunge it and his middle finger back in and scissor them apart first vertically and then horizontally.
"Oh!" he groaned and lowered his front half onto his forearms while eagerly arching his lower back and buttocks higher. "I'm ready! I need you in me-now!"
"You are as adorable as you are sexy" Kiku chuckled removing his fingers and grasping Alfred's hips to align his pucker with his dripping cock.
"Yes! Move!" Alfred cried as Kiku sheathed himself as deep inside of him as he could and paused.
"Of course. I aim to please" Kiku grunted as he pulled out to his tip and thrust his length in rapid succession. His balls creating a wet slapping sound as they collided with Alfred's tight cheeks that echoed off the walls joining the acoustics of their grunts, moans, and pants.
"Uh! Kiku I'm about to cum again!" Alfred cried as he reached one hand up to a wash cloth bar for support and stroked his engorged dick with the other.
"Already? One of these days you will learn to pace yourself" Kiku replied digging his nails into Alfred's hips and quickening his thrusts.
"Uh-ah!" Alfred cried as his semen spurt down at the tub beneath him and stars danced before his eyes. Several thrusts later Kiku pulled himself completely free and ejaculated between Alfred's still spread thighs.
"Oh!" Kiku breathed as he rode out the lingering waves of pleasure that tingled through his body. "Ready for me to finish cleaning you up?" Kiku asked finding the loofa behind him before gently scrubbing Alfred's shoulders and back.
"Mmm that feels so amazing" Alfred hummed at the slow suds coating and drifting over and off his body.
"Think you can wash your hair on your own?" Kiku asked as he stepped out of the tub and began toweling himself dry.
"Yeah, I'll join you in bed in a few minutes" Alfred replied slowly hoisting himself up onto his feet. Kiku nodded his approval then exited the bathroom. Once alone he carefully massaged some shampoo through his hair.
'I always feel so wanted when we have sex and I know he just wants me to be smart and safe but I still can't figure out why he got so upset and lost his temper…what should I do to keep this from happening again?' he pondered as he rinsed his hair then turned the water off. 'Well I can figure that out tomorrow. Right now I'm exhausted and ready for a good night's sleep' he decided as he toweled himself off and followed after his lover.