Waiting for Saturday was torture.
Now with an arrangement with Anya on the horizon - he staunchly and stubbornly told himself that was not a date - Damian could barely concentrate on anything else.
Emile and Ewen didn't ask him about it - they didn't dare - but they had to have noticed the change in his demeanour. The way that he returned to the dorms with a red face and a quiet voice, and an almost dazed look.
"What happened?" they asked him, and Damian's ears turned completely red as he mumbled an answer to them that sounded roughly like: something aquarium something.
They looked at each other, certain that they had misheard, and then they both turned back to him, surprise clear on their faces.
"Are you guys going on a date? Finally!"
"It's not like that!" He begged them to understand, but somehow once the idea was planted, he couldn't do anything to change their minds.
So embarrassing.
Worse than waiting for Saturday was getting ready to meet Anya on Saturday, because Damian pored over his outfit choice for an embarrassingly long time.
It was not a date… but that didn't mean he should dress too casually. Or too formally. And how did people look cool anyway?
It was effortless for Anya. She always looked gorgeous and cute no matter what she wore, so he was at a complete loss of what to do, until Emile and Ewen caught him with several outfits laid painstakingly on his bed, pacing back and forth in his bedroom and muttering things that they couldn't hear.
"Hey, Boss!" called Emile cheerfully. "Just wanted to wish you luck on your date - hurk!"
Ewen removed his elbow from Emile's side. "Stop calling it that! You're gonna freak him out!"
"Oh right - sorry Boss!"
Damian pinched the bridge of his nose, barely holding himself back from exploding at them both.
He hadn't slept at all, from the stress of imagining too many things that could go wrong on this day. He could oversleep, and be late, and then she would never trust him again. Or what if he picked the wrong shirt and arrived underdressed (or worse, overdressed), and she laughed at him? What if he was hit by a car on the way there and she thought that he stood her up? What if he accidentally let slip that he had been simultaneously nervous and excited for their meeting ever since she suggested it, and he ended up looking so uncool in front of her that she refused to speak to him ever again?
"Everything's gonna be fine," Ewen slapped a firm hand on Damian's back, knowing just how nervous he was. "You're both gonna get there on time, have a nice couple of hours staring at fish, and then she'll see what a great guy you are and want to go out with you again! It's simple!"
Damian groaned, and the beginnings of a blush tinged his cheeks. "Guys, stop hovering around me! Obviously it's going to be fine! I'm not nervous at all!"
"Uh-huh," Ewen nodded sceptically. "Just remember to compliment her at least, otherwise she'll never know that you like her!"
"I don't," Damian gritted his teeth, wishing that they would go away and leave him alone, and at the same time, feeling eternally grateful for their support. And while he knew that Ewen was right - and really, he owed it to Anya to be nice to her explicitly for once - he had also just described Damian's core fear, which was Anya knowing that he liked her at all.
(Because what if she rejected him? What if she decided that she never wanted to speak to him again, or worse -)
"Well, good luck anyway! See you in a few hours!" Ewen whistled, and grabbed Emile on the way out, orchestrating a tactical retreat.
"Pick the blue shirt!" Emile yelled on his way out of the door, dragged by Ewen. "THE BLUE ONE!"
And then they were both gone, and Damian ran his hands through his hair with an irritated sigh.
At least dithering over his outfit choices didn't stop him from getting to the aquarium at a reasonable time.
Damian bounced on his heels, trying to figure out whether he could pull off nonchalantly leaning against a wall, or if he needed to sit down, or if there was any possible way for him to look like he wasn't just standing around and waiting for her to arrive (which he was).
He checked his watch. It was only five minutes past the time that they had agreed to meet, but already, his mind was spiralling. He was going to hang out with Anya, for real. Already, his palms were slick with sweat, and the butterflies in his stomach fluttered so much that he thought he might be sick. Damian reassured himself that it was only going to be for an hour - a couple of hours, at most. He didn't think he would be able to handle being around her for such an intense length of time, but it couldn't be helped.
It was fine. It would be fine. It was only going to be for a couple of hours. It was only -
"Sy-on boy!"
At the sound of Anya's voice, Damian seized up, embarrassed at having been caught looking too eager, and when he saw her bounding across to him, his heart stopped in his chest. It occurred to him, then, that he had almost never seen Anya outside of school before, which meant that he had basically never seen her in normal clothes. Not like this, anyway, where it was just the two of them, which meant that her outfit choices were for him specifically.
Somebody must have released an aerosol glitter into the atmosphere, because she was glowing. Stunning. She wore a cute sunflower dress with a green cardigan, matching the forest-green of her eyes, and the brightness of her almost had Damian shielding his eyes. Somehow, her pink hair looked even softer than it did while they were at school, and Damian was filled with the inexplicable urge to reach out and stroke it.
"Uh, hi," he said, and lamented internally when his voice came out a little more strangled than usual. He found himself secretly wishing that their meeting would be over already, and at the same time, he never wanted it to end, especially since he got to see her looking even cuter than usual.
"Are you ready to finally get used to me?" she smiled at him, and was it his imagination, or did she actually look a little shy while she said it?
I'll never be ready, Damian groaned internally. This is such a bad idea.
Maybe it was possible to back out still, or find a way to diminish Anya's enthusiasm somehow. All of this had been her idea after all, and he couldn't possibly see why Anya would want to hang out with him at all. Maybe it would be better to try to change her mind as soon as possible…
"Uh," Damian swallowed, trying to return the moisture to his horribly dry mouth. "I still don't see why this is useful."
"Papa said that to help his patients deal with their fears, he sometimes has to expose them to it in small increments," she started seriously. "So, I was thinking that if we spend the day together, it will help you get used to being around me, and then maybe you won't freak out so much at school!"
"I do not freak out!" Damian hissed. "I can act in a perfectly normal fashion!"
Anya gave him a look, and Damian tensed.
"Do perfectly normal people snap at others and insult them all the time?"
Damian blushed and looked away, but it appeared that Anya took pity on Damian, and she flashed him another winning smile.
"Don't be so scared about today - I've got it all planned out! So for the next twelve hours, we can just hang out and -"
Damian whipped back towards her.
"Twelve hours?!"
"Or, you know, dinnertime," Anya shrugged. "Whichever comes first!"
Damian jolted when Anya grabbed his elbow and dragged him helplessly towards the aquarium entrance.
"Come on, they're gonna feed the penguins in a few minutes! I don't want to be late!"
She had an itinerary.
Damian honestly didn't know whether to be impressed, scared, grateful, or attracted, based solely on the amount of planning that she had clearly put into their meeting.
Anya dragged Damian around the aquarium, although in truth, she did not have to work very hard to get Damian to follow her. He was completely beholden to her power, and the powerful conviction of her eyes as she pointed out all of her favourite things to him:
"The penguins are so funny! I like that one - he's my favourite. Did you know he lets the younger penguins eat first so that he can look after them all?"
"Oh Sy-on, check out these otters! Their furry whiskers are so cute!"
"Did you see the octopus? It just went behind the coral - there! There he is! Hello octopus!"
"Sy-on boy, look!" she pointed excitedly at the various specimens in huge tanks. "Aren't these jellyfish so pretty?"
"Yeah," said Damian, unable to tear his eyes away from hers. Beautiful.
Because how could she be anything other than beautiful when she looked at him like that, with all the joy in the world, and then some? The glowing pink orbs that were the jellyfish bobbed and rippled above her, surrounding her like a wall of lanterns. And that didn't even take into account the fact that the blue light of the aquarium somehow shrouded her in waves of rippling light, making her look as ethereal as a fairy, as magical as a mermaid.
It was a while before Damian noticed that Anya hadn't said anything in at least a minute and she had gone uncharacteristically quiet, staring at him.
Uh oh. Was she bored? Did he say the wrong thing? It was definitely him, wasn't it? Whatever had gone wrong, it was definitely his fault.
"Um," Anya cleared her throat. "Do you want to go to the shark exhibit?"
"Well, I -" he stepped back from her, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment. "No, it's okay. We can stay here a little longer if… if you want."
At Anya's hesitation, Damian added: "You said you like looking at them, right? And the funny way they swim."
"Oh! I did say that," said Anya, a blush rising on her cheeks. "I didn't realise you were listening! You must think I'm really silly or…"
He couldn't help the small smile that played on his lips. "Yeah, you are silly."
And what he wanted to tell her: I like it when you're silly. It's cute.
"We can see the sharks too," he said quietly, "whenever you want."
It tugged on his heart, the way she smiled after that, and kept smiling. He could have watched her all day. His heart could have stopped, and he would have been happy regardless, and happy in his last moments, seeing her smile light up towards him.
Anya clung to her stuffed jellyfish as they wandered out of the aquarium gift shop.
"You didn't have to buy it for me!"
She said it in half-indignance, but her smile was so infectious as she wiggled the stuffed toy tentacles at him, pretending to sting his face.
Damian batted the offending stingers away, blushing. "It's not a big deal."
Even his hands had become hot. Damian stuffed them in both pockets, before Anya would realise that his blush had somehow reached all the way to his hands, too.
He caught his reflection just as they walked past the windowfront of a patisserie, and in between the beautifully glazed confections and cakes, Damian saw just how strawberry red his face was becoming, and the visible signs of his embarrassment made him feel even more embarrassed. If that was even possible.
I'm a mess, he thought, looking at the way that his hair had stuck out at all angles, from running his hands through it for the past few hours. She must think I'm awful. I can't even keep myself together. I am really the worst. I can't even enjoy myself too much around her or I'll make a total fool of myself.
"Oh! Cakes!" Anya's voice pulled him out of his self-loathing, and Damian belatedly realised that he must have been staring at the front window for just a fraction too long.
"My parents love this bakery," she said as she turned to him, a smile on her face. "Let's go inside!"
He opened the door and let her in first, as a gentleman should, but he couldn't help but notice that her smile had lost some lustre. She looked at him with… concern? No, that couldn't be right. He was trying so hard to not show his true feelings. Maybe she was just getting low on energy. Maybe she just needed some sugar.
"What do you want?" said Damian as he brought out his wallet yet again, and the moment Anya set her eyes on it, she frowned.
"You don't have to always pay, I can treat you this time!"
"Too late," Damian gave her a cocky grin as he handed over the notes to the cashier. As if he would ever let a woman pay on a -
It's not a date, Damian reminded himself sternly. Don't get your hopes up. Don't make it weird. Don't be an idiot.
Out loud, he said: "You go and sit down. I'll order a few things for us."
Because, well, he was a gentleman. And a gentleman should never let a woman pay, regardless…
Anya blinked at him for what felt like a long second before she tightened her grip on the jellyfish.
"Yeah. I'll, um, sit over here…"
Damian breathed a sigh of relief as she walked away, and sat at the table in the corner, next to the window.
He took his time pointing out other cakes and deciding what drinks to get, partially because he wanted to make sure that he got it right, and also partially because he had been standing next to Anya literally all day, and his shoulders needed a respite from the tension that had taken over them for this entire time.
Even though the day had been aggravating, and standing next to her made him feel like he was on fire, there was also another part of Damian that felt…
How did he feel? There was something light in his heart. Like a little sun shone in his chest, its rays warming the inside of him, and spilling out of his skin, making him smile like an idiot and sigh like a lovesick fool.
It wasn't… unpleasant. Which was strange, because the whole reason that Damian couldn't stand being around Anya was because of how easily he lost control of himself, but somehow, with nobody else around, when it was just them, it wasn't that he lost control exactly, but he just felt…
He just felt…
Happy.
How embarrassing, Damian thought as he felt the telltale warmth of a flush rising in his cheeks, but he also couldn't stop himself from smiling, and more than that, he didn't exactly mind that much that he looked like an idiot, because he had spent hours with Anya and he hadn't even died! Or embarrassed himself (yet, but there was still time).
"Is that everything for you?"
"Oh, uh," Damian thought quickly, pulling out another few notes from his wallet. "Actually, could you add this to the total…"
When he finished paying, he found Anya at her table, with her chin in her palm as she stared out of the window. The afternoon sun's light glimmered through the window, somehow enhancing Anya's own glow, and just the sight of her stopped him in his tracks.
He didn't sit down straight away, so mesmerised was he by the sight in front of him, because while Anya looked gorgeous, beautiful, unbelievably elegant, like an actress from a Hollywood film, she also had an expression of peace over her face. There was no smile, but she appeared deep in thought, and Damian took a moment to commit that sight to memory.
At school, Anya was always doing something. She would be sleeping (cute), or giggling with Becky (also cute), or eating snacks with gusto (extra cute), or trying to get his attention in crazy ways (still cute), but rarely did he see her with any sort of peaceful expression on her face, like she was lost in her own mind.
He wanted to know what she was thinking about. He wished she would tell him. He hoped that one day she would see him as the kind of person that would be worthy for her to share her thoughts with.
Damian slid carefully into the seat opposite her, startling Anya.
"I didn't know it was possible to sneak up on you," he chuckled quietly.
He meant it as a joke, but a shadow crossed Anya's eyes, and somehow there was a sad look in her eyes and -
Oh, oh no.
She was sad. What did he do? What did he say? How could he have done this?
"I was, um, I was just thinking," Anya started quietly, and Damian somehow found himself sitting up straighter, desperate to hear her inner thoughts.
She tucked her hair behind her ears, somehow looking more shy than he had ever seen her, and a small wildfire broke out all over his skin.
"I was thinking that we've never actually hung out together for this long before, and, um, you're actually not that mean after all."
The wildfire cooled, turning to ice on his skin.
He blinked at her.
"Excuse me?"
She sighed.
"I know that you didn't really want to hang out with me today, and honestly I was afraid that you wouldn't even turn up."
Guilt and shame flooded through him. She really thought that of him? Did she really have such little faith in him?
"So I was really happy that you were here, but then I felt nervous because I know that this whole thing was actually my idea and that you didn't even want to hang out with me at all, so I was expecting you to be really mean to me today…"
Damian worked his jaw, trying and failing to come up with anything at all to say, because what could he possibly say to that?
Was he… Was he really that bad?
Clearly, if Anya had so little faith in Damian, it was because he hadn't given her a reason to have faith in him.
Just then, all of his interactions with Anya ran through his head, as if he was watching a movie of his own mistakes, a film reel of torture designed specifically for him, and Damian paled at the sight of his own wrongdoings.
Because she was right. Every time he saw her, without fail, Damian was… Well, he was awful. There wasn't really a better word for it. All the insults. The over-the-top emotional reactions. Pushing her away all the time, turning his eyes away from her, sometimes even physically running away so that he wouldn't have to be in the same room as her.
Selfish. He was so selfish. Because all this time, he didn't even consider what that was like for her.
"... but actually, you haven't been mean today at all."
Damian blinked at her. That didn't make sense. He was awful. The literal worst, always acting in ways that haunted him and that he regretted instantly.
Anya continued:
"You've been so nice to me today, you paid for the tickets and the cakes even though you didn't have to, and you stayed at all the exhibits with me and went round to the ones that I enjoyed, even if you didn't particularly like them, because you wanted me to enjoy myself. I was thinking about what you said the other day, that sometimes you feel like your brain switches off and you say the wrong thing even when you don't mean to, because you actually… um… You actually think that I'm…"
"Cool," Damian finished for her, a flush high in his cheeks.
"Yeah," she muttered, avoiding eye contact in such an uncharacteristic way, that his heart twisted at the sight of it. "I… I think I understand now."
"Oh," said Damian, at the exact moment that the server set their cakes onto the table.
"Here ya go!" the woman smiled toothily, setting the cakes and the drinks before them. "One chocolate, one coffee and walnut…"
The server walked away, and thank the stars, Anya's eyes lit up. "Coffee and walnut!" she breathed. "Oh, I haven't had that in ages."
"They didn't have any peanut-flavoured cakes," Damian explained, a little embarrassed. "But this one still had nuts in them and I know you prefer that, and, um…" His voice trailed off when he realised that he was starting to sound a bit pathetic.
"It's lovely, thanks Sy-on," she grinned at him. "I actually didn't realise how tired I was from all that walking, so it's good to have a break."
"Y-yeah," Damian agreed tentatively, and covered up his inability to speak by taking a few sips of his own coffee, while Anya tucked into her cake and hot chocolate, delighted by their flavours.
She wiggled in her seat in an odd kind of happy dance, something he had seen her do in the school refectory at lunchtime, and it occurred to Damian that he wanted to see her do that every day.
Anya's words from the other day echoed in his mind:
Maybe you just need to get more used to me?
Yeah, thought Damian as he looked at her. I could get used to this.
Anya held her jellyfish in one hand as she walked, conscious of Damian's quietude as they left the cafe.
She didn't even know where she was walking towards, but she let her feet carry them. That method had always worked well before.
They had been walking off some of the sugar from the cakes when they came across the park, one of the largest ones in Berlint. Families and their children had dotted around the park, some with dogs to play with, while others seemed to be families with picnics.
The afternoon sun was stronger, somehow brighter than when they were in the patisserie cafe, and Anya shaded her eyes as she looked into the sky.
It was a beautiful sun, it would be a waste to miss it…
"Let's sit on the grass over there!"
Anya pointed towards a spot that was near a tree, partly in the shade and partly in the sun, and soon enough, they found themselves sitting side-by-side, with Damian taking a spot in the shade while Anya stretched out in the sun.
She tilted her head back, letting her hair fall and tickle the grass.
"So warm," she sighed, feeling the sun's rays warming her skin, and she leaned further back, resting her head on the soft grass below.
The exertions of the day caught up with her, and the pleasant satiation from the cakes, and Anya's eyes drifted automatically closed.
Just for a little minute… she thought, and then she was asleep.
As she dozed, the feeling of being warm stayed in her dreams, and so did some of the events of the day. Like getting to see Damian outside of school, and getting to see the fishes, and getting to eat cake and have a jellyfish…
When she woke, there was a small smile on her face, and Anya gently rubbed her eyes, trying to clear her eyes so that she could actually wake up.
How long had she been asleep? She shivered at the realisation that the shade of the tree had moved to cover her, and the afternoon sun didn't look so bright anymore.
But… she wasn't cold…
Anya sat up slowly, and something slid from her torso. She stared at it, recognising it immediately.
That's Damian's jacket…
He must have put it over her while she was asleep. The thought made Anya smile, it was just like something her Papa would do. Damian really was a kind person deep down, wasn't he?
Anya lifted her head to see Damian sitting a few paces away, his knees tucked under his chin, while he stared into the distance. He didn't seem to notice that she was awake, but Anya quickly realised that she wanted the moment to play out a little longer, because Damian looked…
Well, he looked happy. A small smile played at the corner of his lips, and Anya realised that she had never seen Damian look like that before. The setting sun reflected gold in his eyes, and a gentle breeze ruffled the ends of his tousled hair.
It occurred to Anya then that when Damian wasn't scowling at her, he could actually be quite handsome.
He looked so peaceful, that it intrigued her. Damian was always so… so flustered around her, so tense, so clearly aggravated and annoyed and angry (and probably so many other things), that she had never seen him without some kind of frown on his face.
Anya's heart became heavy. Is that what she did to him? Was he really so much more at peace when she wasn't around?
She couldn't help reaching her mind closer to his…
Anya wasn't sure what she was expecting, but she found herself surprised to see so many images of the day flitting through Damian's head, a bit like a slideshow. He was replaying some of the moments that they had shared together, turning over the stones of their conversations in his mind, moments when she had dragged him between exhibits, and it startled Anya to see that a lot of his memories of her were when she was smiling.
I've never seen her laugh up close…
Damian shook his head, and his smile disappeared, and he dropped his forehead onto his knees, looking more dejected than she had ever seen him.
I'm such an idiot! What am I even doing? She probably thinks I'm so annoying. She's even gone out of her way to make me feel better and I know I'll just end up disappointing her… like everyone else…
Anya's eyes widened, and she sat up slowly, trying not to startle him, but she couldn't help but feel so drawn to him in that moment.
He was so deep in his thoughts and his self loathing that he didn't notice her until her hand landed on his shoulder, and Damian leapt away like a startled cat.
"Go away! What is wrong with you?!" he hissed.
The sudden change of his demeanour was so startling, that Anya could only stare at him, and she watched while he took a visibly deep breath, trying to calm himself.
"Sorry, you startled me," he mumbled apologetically, before taking a sharp breath and rounding on her. "But what kind of person sneaks up on people like that?"
"Sorry, Damian…" she whispered, almost breathlessly, and Damian flushed scarlet.
Why did she say my name like that? What is she doing?
"This whole time… I thought you were being hard on me, but you're really much harder on yourself, aren't you?"
"W-what?" said Damian, and it was his turn to be breathless. "I… How…"
Anya realised her mistake, and tried to correct herself.
"I can see it in your eyes," she said quickly. "You save the worst words for yourself, don't you?"
It appeared that Damian was so caught out, that he could only stare at her, shocked into silence, and so many emotions passed over his face and through his mind that she didn't know if she would ever be able to parse them all.
"I…" he cleared his throat. "That sort of thing… isn't that… normal?"
This time, Anya was the one who found herself shocked into silence, and her throat tightened with a huge wave of sorrow for him.
"You're practising to be nicer to me, right?" she said quietly, not breaking eye contact from him. "I think… you can practise to be nicer towards yourself, too."
Damian blushed. "Oh."
He stayed quiet, running her words through his mind, and Anya stayed quiet with him, sitting together in companionable silence as they watched the sun set, elongating the shadows in the park and bringing with it a coolness that made her shiver.
"It's getting late," Damian said quietly. "I'll walk you home."
He stood, dusting himself off, and offered his hand for Anya to take.
Even with the coolness of the night air, his hand was so warm as she took it, and so smooth. Her hand felt so secure in his, that Anya wasn't sure if she wanted to let go.
Disappointment rose in her when he released her hold, and he bent down to pick his jacket from the ground - only to offer it back out to her.
"Won't you be cold?" she said genuinely, feeling the goosebumps rising on her arms, and Damian tensed.
"Just put it on!" he grumbled, thrusting it towards her. "I can't carry you if you decide to catch a cold!"
And, as always, his mind told a different story: I can handle being cold… if it means I can keep her warm…
Anya was suddenly grateful for the fading sunlight, as she felt a blush rise on her cheeks.
They settled into a silence on the short walk to Anya's house, somehow dithering between comfortable and awkward, but Anya didn't mind. She found that being with Damian when he wasn't freaking out, was actually rather pleasant. His thoughts tingled with a quiet happiness, and she smiled, feeling the strange fizziness in herself, too.
In what felt like no time at all, they had arrived at her front door.
"Well, uh," Damian cleared his throat. "See you at school."
Anya softened, looking at him. Damian always managed to be awkward around her, but now that she knew why, it was less annoying, and actually kind of cute.
She leaned forward, bringing both arms around him and pulling him into a tight hug.
Oh my god I'm going to die, Damian's mind screamed as his entire body tensed.
She loosened her hold on him, hoping that would lessen his panic - not that she would ever be able to know what would calm his panic entirely.
"Thank you for today," she smiled at him genuinely, releasing him from her hug. "I'm glad we got to hang out. I had so much fun!"
His throat bobbed up and down as he swallowed, and Damian nodded wordlessly, while one thought dropped in the pool of his mind, rippling outwards.
Me too.
On sunday morning, Loid rubbed his eyes blearily as he roused himself from sleep, leaving Yor snoring softly on the other side of the bed, and he began his morning routine.
Wash face. Brush teeth. Check the mail -
Loid stopped at the sight of the enormous pile of parcels at the door, all clearly labelled.
This is an ungodly amount of cake, he thought vaguely, his mind puzzling at where it could have possibly all come from.
.
.
.
.
.
Rest assured that I am still writing the chapters of SSS, but I am finding respite here 😂
Comments/reviews are welcome! I hope you're all enjoying this silly story 😁