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disclaimer: do not own mcu or their characters

restart my heart

the guy in the chair

time frame; first week of school — august

latte da

"One minute I find myself doing okay. Sometimes I'm soaring on a high of positive emotions with my family. It… it feels normal. Then it hits me. Randomly. Sometimes mid conversation or while I'm dozing off while looking at the clouds. That this normal is not the normal I'm used to yet. I realize I'm not okay. I'm not okay at all. I miss them so much. I can't help but to keep going back to this isn't how it's supposed to be."

Sophia pulls at the loose strings on the sleeve of her sweater. Refusing to make eye contact with her new therapist. Feeling uncomfortable in her own home. Sitting in her mom's home office with someone she's only met a few times before. Speaking from experience, Sophia highly doubts the woman sitting across from her is qualified to handle such depressing and delicate matters of the mind.

"It gets hard sometimes to find enjoyment in things I used to love." Sophia continues. Eyes beginning to sting in an all too familiar way. "I haven't picked up a book in months. Well, I've tried to. I have picked up the same book but can never commit to it. I can't even wear or fix up my own suit. I won't even entertain the thought of bringing myself to the workshop where all of dad's suits rest. I even kind of miss DUM-E. Friday keeps me company most days so that's nice."

"I'm hearing a lot about machines. What about people? Your friends?"

"Um, well…" Sophia holds her hands together. Twisting and turning them in her lap. "I don't really have any. I've just always lived in the tower. This year is my first year at an actual school. Dad is — was my best friend. It was just us and the machines. Sometimes Aunt Nat would visit. Or Uncle Rhodey. But it was always dad and I."

"What about your friend Harley?"

Sophia sighs. "He's alright, I guess. Before this year we haven't seen each other in person since I was nine and all of our video calls throughout the years were just about innovation and invention. New suits, safety features, and building weapons. Our dreams and goals. Motivating each other to grab them. It was never… I never felt like it was — maybe the word is real? A real friendship. Nothing like the ones I've seen on tv… I'm not very good at socializing or expressing how I feel. So, it's most likely my fault for why we aren't as close as I feel we should be, I'm afraid."

"You're better than you think you are, Sophia."

"I'm really not. Dad was great at it. Aunt Nat too."

Silence falls between the two causing Sophia to squirm in her seat. She could practically hear her heart want to beat out her chest. She swallows the lump in her throat. A poor attempt to stop words from spewing out.

Her eyes stings and her head throb painfully. Everything aches. Every part of her body feels heavy. Just trying to survive seems to be too exhausting.

"I miss my dad." Sophia chokes out.

"Love you, 3000."

"I believe in you dad. You can save the world."

"Chin up, Baby Stark. We'll be back before you know it."

Natasha's last words to her ring out loud. She was so sure that they would all return. That it would be an easy in and out mission.

Yet only half the Avengers, half of her family, returned.

"The reality is, Sophia," Maria Hill begins, "That you will grieve forever." Sophia's heart sinks. The air is tense. Maria scoots her chair closer to Sophia's and reaches over to touch her knee.

"You won't get over a loss. Especially a loss of someone like your father. You instead learn to live with it." Maria says gently. So softly. As if she's scared Sophia will run out the room. "You will heal and have to rebuild yourself around the loss and become a new you. Discover the new you as that grief, that loss, is now forever a part of you. But it does not define you."

Sophia sniffles and uses her left hand to hold her right. Fidgeting and squeezing them together. Popping her knuckles to distract herself from what she's feeling.

"So, let's begin working on discovering who this new Sophia is." Hill leans back in her chair. The stylus to her tablet ready and poised to begin writing anything and everything Sophia says or does.

"Well…" Sophia takes a deep breath. "This Sophia is angry, lonely, resentful, and guilty."

"Let's dissect the guilty first. Why are you guilty?"

Sophia scrunches her eyes closed. "Because I killed my dad."

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Sophia adjusts her baseball cap by its visor with one hand and tightens her grip on her coffee mug in the other. Trying to keep a low profile as she glides her way through the tables and chairs of her favorite coffee shop — Latte Da. Past the display of various baked goods and into a rounded chair in front of a window. The perfect vantage point for her to people watch. To try and lose herself in the movement of the city.

The last thing she wanted was for the people on the streets to recognize her as she went to inhale her weight with (in her opinion) the world's best almond croissants. An hour plus long cry session that forces you to confront your darkest and sinister thoughts can make a girl want to eat her feelings.

She barely managed to escape Happy's watchful eyes to go out alone. Her only saving grace and credit for the success was due to Happy's poor ability to figure out the security system on his phone. The poor man can barely answer a video call properly. How he ever got in the Stark Tech business she'll never know, Sophia thought amusedly. Nonetheless, despite his hovering being worse than the web-head's, she couldn't be more thankful that Happy cares enough to stay around in the aftermath of everything.

"Here's your almond croissant, ma'am." She gives her thanks and grabs her plate from the barista. Doing a small wiggle in her chair as she takes a large bite. If good food can't bring a moment of peace, she doesn't know what else could.

Ned | 3:45 PM

Am I glitching or am I actually staring at you from across the street? Eating a croissant?

Ned | 3:45 PM

Are you having a super secret spy meeting? Is Nick Furry coming?

Stupid Spider Pesky Parker | 3:46 PM

Going to be late. Looking for a bike

Ned | 3:46 PM

You do know a pink YSL hat isn't exactly subtle?

Glancing up from her phone she could see Ned crossing the street. In his hands he holds an umbrella and waves it in the air as an attempt to greet her. A tall woman wearing a graphic tee and green oversized jacket trailing behind him. Almost as if against her will. Her boot clad feet kick the water across the street with every step. Spraying droplets every which way.

Sophia felt a little bit of comradery with the girl's predicament. The number of times she was dragged out of the house all last week alone (granted it was just to see Banner in his new home) by Harley against her will was too high to count. Despite being the daughter of a world-famous billionaire, playboy, and philanthropist, Sophia tended to keep to herself in the confines of her home unless food was involved. The clear proof being the mostly devoured croissant on the plate in front of her.

She wasn't as confident as Aunt Nat nor did she think she commanded a room the same way Rodger does. Sophia also, as much as she hates to admit it, is not as relatable or down to earth (not that she doesn't try) enough to make connections with Peter's friends. She pales in comparison to all the talented heroes around her. She partly blames it on the fact they had no choice but to force her into solidarity due to their jobs.

It was lonely but comforting at the same time.

She couldn't help but feel more disappointed with the fact that her croissant was nearly gone than her peace being disrupted by Peter's friends. She didn't get to truly eat her feelings like planned. Instead, she feels more anxious with them more than anything else. She's not like her dad. His charisma and quick wit didn't pass down to her and her trauma failed to make her funny like it seems to do with most people. She also isn't the best at first impressions. Sophia is more of a 'once you get to know her' kind of person.

Most assume she's a brat that spends her dad's money. Which they are completely right about. She likes to dress up and buy nice food. It's just that there's more to her than her resting bitch face. She's really actually a closeted over emotional nerd with no social skills and nice clothes who also happens to spend her dad's money.

Sophia waves back at the two as they walk up to the counter. Ned gives her a thumbs up in return while ordering. Reaching for her phone, Sophia makes sure to send Peter a response and add there will be two new visitors once he arrives. The underlying message being no Spider-Man talk. At least she hopes he is smart enough to understand that.

"I have a million questions I want to ask." Ned and the mystery women sit across from her. Droplets falling from their clothes and onto the wooden tabletop. "In exchange, I am willing to give out embarrassing information about our mutual friend Peter Parker."

"You really did not hesitate to throw him under the bus there. I'm Michelle-Jones by the way. But call me MJ." The tall brunette gives a short nod to her.

Sophia nods back and gives her a timid smile. While wringing her hands in her lap she takes a slow deep breath. She can do this. She can socialize. She's human and they're human. They're all normal everyday teenagers.

As long as they ignore the very obvious fact she's related to superheroes and has millions of dollars sitting in a trust fund. Or the fact she has her own super suit gifted by the King of Wakanda and has been to space with a literal God. If they ignore all of that then she's definitely, definitely normal.

She's just a normal, everyday person sitting with normal teenagers just like herself. Sitting in a coffee shop to talk. Should be relatively easy task

"I have some questions for you two as well. I have been wanting to get to know Peter's friends since we all go to school now." Sophia speaks up, back straight.

Definitely a normal inquiry to change the topic. Odds of a topic change look decent. Seventy percent, she feels like.

"It's for the greater good, MJ! Peter will understand. Besides, she's one of us now. A member of the group that just so happens to have had the Black Panther as a godfather! How are you not curious?"

The odds of them ignoring that elephant seems to have quickly shot down to zero.

"Most information is classified and I cannot indulge you." She winces. That was too blunt. Not human enough. Seeing Ned's disappointed face and MJ's skeptical one, she tries again.

"But I can try. Depending on the question that is." Sophia says warily.

"Awesome. Let's do this. Peter's nickname at school is Penis Parker. What will that buy me?" Ned brings his fingers to his chin with a raised eyebrow.

"Um…I'm sorry. But what?" Sophia stutters. Eyebrows scrunched in confusion. What does that even mean?

This is definitely not as easy as Hill made it sound.

The only possible conclusion to a nickname like that, in her opinion, is that he exposed himself in some way. She's learning towards an accidental exposure but she's fairly certain she doesn't want to know how or why the nickname caught on.

"Ned." MJ says with exasperation. "I'm sorry about this loser. He doesn't think before he speaks. He isn't fully trained yet but I'm working on it."

Sophia brings herself back in the moment. Eyes darting between the two across from her.

"It's okay." Sophia awkwardly responds. Unsure of what to say. She slips her phone out of her pocket and on top of the table Making sure to try not to break eye contact with the two across from her as she sends a quick message. Are all teenagers like this?

"Okay, sorry about that. A little too blunt for a first fact but let's get back to the plot point guys. I have a list I have to get through." Ned shakes his phone in the air. Showing off the notes app. "So do the Avengers spend Christmas together?"

"Yes, but not everyone can make it every year. Sometimes Auntie Nat joins with Cl — Hawkeye. But now…now it might just be Doctor Banner now that you mention it."

Sophia bites her lip. There's no way the others will make it this year unless they go to the gravestone. Or if she can convince Doctor Strange to use dark magic. Her heart sinks into the pit of her stomach. At least at the cabin, Natasha still came to see them with Bruce.

This will be the first true year there won't be an 'Avenger Christmas'. Sophia's eyes widened in realization. Feeling like she was just punched in the gut.

"You call the Black Widow Auntie Nat?" Ned exclaims. Eyes wide in wonder. "Dude, that is so badass. Having a killer assassin as your aunt! She sounds like she would be the golden standard for being the single rich aunt life."

"What happened to Captain America?" MJ cuts in. Brown eyes piercing into her blue ones. "No one has seen him since the blimp."

"Classified." Sophia responds back dully. Her eyes begin to unfocused. The busy streets behind MJ blur into shades of gray.

"Classified as in you know or don't know?" Ned wiggles his eyebrows at her. Leaning in into her space. "Do you know where Hulk went?"

Sophia bobs her head along with his rambles. Head spinning with question after question. Her anxiety slowly rises as she takes in every person that walks by. He really wasn't kidding about having a million questions, Sophia thought warily. If all friendship starts with a whirlwind of invasive questions, then she could do without it. Despite what Agent Hill says, she doesn't think gaining friends is a crucial part to her recovery. She could definitely do without the added stress of constant heartbreaking realizations because of the budding friendships.

Sophia is ready to bolt from the table and never look back. First impressions be damned. Nothing was worth this interrogation no matter how friendly or innocently asked.

The table shakes with the numerous vibrations from her phone. Taking a deep breath to center herself, Sophia glances down. Peter's name pop up at least five times. She wasn't sure if he was reaching out because he could just sense she was failing big time getting close to his best friends while experiencing a panic attack through his Peter Tingle or if it was just his overbearing personality.

"Again, Ned, that is classified information I will not release." She's just assuming. She didn't actually hear the question pointed her way. She can't help but wince into herself again. She isn't meaning to come off so harsh, but she doesn't know how much more she can take.

Are all these questions really necessary? Was her life that interesting to others? She promises it's not

Ned clicks his tongue and nods his head once. Fingers tapping against the table. Dread forms in the pit of her stomach. Was she too harsh? Why is talking so exhausting?

Did she anger the few friends Peter actually has? Putting a permanent wrench in her own growing friendship Peter

"I have in my possession a video of our mutual friend, Peter Parker, auditioning for So You Think You Can Dance." Ned slurps his hot chocolate. "If I show you will that buy me the answer to if Black Widow is really Russian? Wait no, forget that. Can you make me a lightsaber with Stark Tech?"

Sophia twists her mouth to the side and smooths down the back of her hair. Annoyance and exhaustion taking over. She feels like she's at a press release with her dad at this point. Except not as fun since her dad enjoyed making the press spin their wheels with half-truths and some bold face lies for entertainment.

Her phone vibrates again. Looking down at it she can't help but blame Peter for her predicament even though he genuinely did not have a hand in her accidentally running into his friends. Logically it made no sense to blame him. It's just easier to blame him.

'So might as well make it his problem too.'

Sophia takes a deep breath with closed eyes. Gathering her inner strength before opening them. She gives him an award-winning grin. "Russian was one of the languages she spoke, yes. Her catchphrase was basically 'this is all your fault' when talking to my dad." She squeezes the handle of her mug. "I'm pretty sure Peter still has the lightsaber. Dad made him a red one he kept in the workshop. Peter didn't tell you?"

"No way!" Ned leans forward, eyes wide and mouth agape. "You know, it's so like him that he would keep something that cool of a secret."

"Yeah, definitely. Even taught him combat with it." She wasn't actually entirely sure what a lightsaber was. She has a vague idea but the onslaught Ned will surely give Peter over the item is not her problem.

"I wasn't going to say this but now I have to. Did you know Peter dressed up as Tony for hero day last year? Well, our last year. Not yours. And not as in the Iron Man version of Tony but Tony Stark himself. Like navy suit and tie and everything." He gives her a pointed look before going into another whirlwind of questions centered around her childhood with the Avengers.

Sophia gives him a wry smile. Nodding along and trying to avoid answering anything as much as possible. Giving short remarks if absolutely necessary. She was unused to having to go on this long with social interaction. Agent Hill and now this. As simple as this interaction is, it felt like adding to the invisible weight on her shoulders.

From dad to Black Widow to even her grandparents that she's never even met. Sophia had to fight off every image of her lost loved ones with every question Ned asks. Constantly fighting the growing urge to run to the bathroom and empty her stomach every time a bloodied image of them popped up.

Grabbing her phone for a sense of comfort and another for a brief moment of escape. Not bothering to read any of the texts Peter has sent since her last message as she quickly types one as a brief SOS type of text message for herself to Peter before setting her phone back down on the table.

"Don't forget to tell her Peter has a completed Avenger Lego set shrine." MJ adds to Ned's third, maybe fourth, story of Peter. Sophia wasn't sure anymore and disassociated a long time ago. Relying on auto-pilot to guide her through the rest of their interaction.

Unsurprisingly, living every cherished childhood memory of those who are gone wasn't something she enjoyed doing. Living or dead - all the Avengers ended up going their separate ways. Unsure if they'd ever meet again. Another reminder that she failed her family in more ways than one. Sophia adjusted her cap to hide her face. She's tired of letting her emotions run free in front of others.

"Not to brag. But I'm totally Peter's guy in — I mean, right hand man." Ned whispers loudly. Half covering his mouth with his hand as he looks around. "I even managed to bypass the security at Stark Labs once."

Sophia lets out a hum and nods along to him. Barely registering what he told her. Hands gripping her coffee mug tightly. "I'm surprised my dad didn't give you an internship as well then."

"I don't think you should be admitting to illegally breaking into her fathers company." MJ comments dryly. Face in her hand with a bored expression.

Sophia let out a laugh in response. "Dad probably deserved it. He needed to be challenged in his old age anyway." She ignores the quick stabbing pain in her chest and quickly hides her face behind the mug of her latte. Taking a long drawn out sip. Definitely not imagining how her dad most likely reacted to that. There's no way he didn't know about it.

Taking a deep breath, Sophia slouches forward. Taking in the area around her in an attempt to ground herself. Guilt gnawing at every thought. Feeling inadequate for not being more conductive, for not being as social to someone trying as hard as Ned is, and wanting to reach out to MJ but not knowing how.

She feels like her every move is being watched from Peter's friends to the strangers sitting at other tables. The coffee shop doesn't smell like baked goods and freshly ground beans. It starts to smell like blood, sweat, and tears.

"I am inevitable."

She clenches her fists so hard it hurts. The tips of her nails like daggers into her skin to bring her back to reality. Looking up to see if either teen noticed when a blue book in the middle of the table caught her eye. How did she not notice that before?

"Henry James? He's a work of genius but sometimes I find deciphering his work a bit infuriating. He can be very evasive with his writing." Sophia nods to the book by MJ's glass of tea. A small, but tired, smile on her face.

The Wings of a Dove. Finally something they can talk about. A mutual and non-traumatizing interest.

"I am having to decipher almost every sentence so far but the way he dives into the psychological realm of the characters is rewarding for me." MJ runs her finger over the soft blue paperback cover.

"If you like physiological deep dives have you read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath? Full of dark humor and intense physiological damage." Sophia leans towards her, excited to finally talk to someone about something other than engineering. "As for right now, I'm reading The Immortal Life of Henrietta."

MJ sits up straighter. "Henrietta is actually wavering on my to-read list. But I'm not convinced it will tell me something I already don't know."

"Oh!" Sophia gently puts her hands together, as if she was going to pray. "You have to read it. I have just barely started but I love the journalistic way the book is presented. You might not—"

"Okay!" Peter cuts his friend off, stumbling in and tosses his backpack to the floor before dumping himself into the wooden chair next to Sophia. The plate of crumbs from her pastry clatters against the wooden table, causing her to jump in her seat. She had forgotten he was originally supposed to be here.

"Look, whatever Ned told you is a lie." Peter turns to her with hands spread out and hair wild.

Sophia looks towards MJ and shares an amused glance when Ned hollers back at Peter in retaliation. She enjoys this version of socializing much more. When she's not at the center.

"I can't believe you've been hiding your real life lightsaber from me. Your best friend. Not cool, man." Ned crosses his arm.

"What lightsaber? What are you talking about?"

"Don't blame dumb with me, Peter Benjamin Parker. Sophia has told me everything."

Shops smothers a laugh behind her sleeve and pushes her cap down further. Ignoring the way Peter turns to her with a dumbfounded look on his face. One hand on the edge of the back of her chair and the other pointing his thumb at his friend.

Despite the casual display, she could see his eyes shifting and how his muscles flexed under his hoodie. She didn't miss how he perfectly positioned himself in a way that had him ready for action. Back to the wall, facing towards the door, and head tilted. A clear sign he was half listening to them while deciphering out the noise around them. Peter Parker was anything but subtle.

Sophia gives him an unwavering glare. She doesn't need to be protected and sidelined. Never again. He rolls his eyes and takes a sip of her latte right as a barista drops off another glass mug for Peter and a plate of pastries.

Giving his thanks, Peter begins to lower his guard. Leaning back into his chair but keeping his left hand on the back of her chair. Forcibly easing the tension out of his muscles yet still clearly listening in on the chatter around them.

To her it was half a win. Progress is still made in the right direction. As much as she wished he didn't do any of it to begin with, Sophia understood that, for any hero, shedding off their "battle armor" is near impossible. Her Aunt Nat and Dad being clear examples of it. They were never fully relaxed. Never fully in the moment. A part of them was always just out of reach.

Exhaling, Sophia leans back in her chair. Finally comfortable in her own body and mind. No longer on edge with every question and flashback that comes to mind. Star Wars becoming the new topic of conversation intermixed with school. A true breath of fresh air.

"Are you going to join the decathlon with us? You'd be great, Soph." Peter bumps his shoulder into hers while sliding the almond croissant he ordered over.

She's so mentally drained, Sophia doesn't even have it in her to scold Peter for fixing her cap. His overbearing babysitter side is coming out again but she'll let him have it just this once. Only because it's keeping her pre-blimp life from being the topic of conversation…and because of the obvious bribe he sent her way. She could never say no to carbs.

"Word on the street is that this year's summer break trip is to Italy! If we win nationals." Ned adds before finishing off his hot chocolate.

Before Sophia could reply, Peter leans forward. Getting more into her space. "MJ, do you have any of the applications on you?" His shoulder blocking her view of the girl across from her.

Scrunching her nose, Sophia shoves Peter out of her personal bubble. Only to be shoved back and Peter taking back the remainder of the croissant. Annoying.

Instead of giving him the satisfaction of getting a rise out of her, Sophia turns to MJ and Ned. Hands clasped together in her lap.

"Well, I don't want to intrude. From what Peter has told me you guys are like the three musketeers. I'm okay watching from the sidelines. Besides, it might be safer that way." In other words, she's not sure if she should want to go.

The risk could be too high. As much as she yearns to be free, she can't. For her living a normal life came at the cost of others. Possible villain threats following her aside, she's sure no one at the school would appreciate being attacked by paparazzi because she joined their school club.

Sophia hides her face behind her large round mug. Taking small sips of her latte. Playing civilian outside of the legal requirement of school isn't worth risking the actual civilians.

"What risk? The risk of looking awesome on tv? Show off how smart and handsome I am? I might actually get a date to the dances this year instead of being stuck with Peter." Ned chimes in. Throwing a quick 'no offense' in the web-slingers direction.

Sophia places her mug down and opens her mouth. MJ quickly cuts her off.

"You should join. We need all the help we can get with these two on the team dragging us down." MJ speaks up. A small smile on her face. Warm and inviting. Looking around, Ned looks excited and is practically jumping in his seat. Peter looks hopeful.

"Okay then," Sophia relents. "If MJ thinks I should then I will definitely look into it."

How could she possibly say no to these three?

end of: the guy in the chair

word count: 4.835

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REVIEWS

Guest

Thank you so much! I wish I could look at my writing the way you do! I just do this in my spare time for fun and when I look back see everything I want to change but the compliments make me feel better about it even with imperfections

I've only ever used this site and Wattpad (I don't really like their format when it comes to searching for stories) so I didn't post there and I'm unfamiliar with AO3 but I'll be sure to look it up

Guest

I'm glad you like it! You guys keep me going and motivate me

I haven't. I've never used AO3 before so I don't know what the community is like or how the format works but I'll look into it for sure!