Hello, everyone!

If you're still here, following along, thank you so much! And for those of you who take the time to leave reviews, I can't ever express how grateful I am to you. Sadly, with FFN acting up these past few days and being impossible to access, I didn't get to respond—but I will, now that everything seems to be working again ;).

This chapter was one of my favourite ones to write, so I hope it will be just as enjoyable to read.

Maybe my ears were failing me.

Maybe my otherwise perfect sense of hearing had reached its limit and that was the first sign. Could vampiric senses rust, after all? Stranger things had happened.

"You were here already," Bella repeated. "Right?"

She was closer now—close enough for my thirst to flare up and push me towards the probability of implosion. I held my breath, panicked, and my jaw clenched automatically. It didn't help that her legs were completely exposed, showing off a satin-like surface of skin that ended abruptly right where her T-shirt touched her thighs.

"I received your text and hurried into your backyard," I said, a great portion of my air reserve necessary to talk leaving my lungs. My response wasn't a lie—just a less convoluted version of the truth.

"But you were here before my text," she persisted. "Am I wrong?"

I couldn't pinpoint if she was bluffing or if she was actually aware of something that she wasn't supposed to. Her eyes were piercing and full of determination in the dark, but there were no traces of anger in them. What did she know?

"Silence is an answer too, Edward."

The persuasion in her voice both intrigued and humbled me. It was the kind of subtle motivation that could get a man to spill all of his secrets without second-guessing whether he should. Within it, I could recognize the dangerous pull that already got me to reveal the dark facets of who I was to her a long time ago.

I sighed. "How did you know?"

"I didn't. It was a gut feeling." Bella frowned, as if she already knew I was going to ask her to expand. "I don't know how to explain this, but… I could almost sense your presence around. Kind of like when you're outside and there aren't really any ominous clouds in sight, but the air feels damp and earthy and you are certain that there is a storm nearby, but you just can't see it yet."

I nodded, understanding the sentiment, but also worrying about how it was even possible for her to be hyper-aware of my presence when all she had were feeble human senses. Then, all of a sudden, a fearsome thought made its way to my synapses—what if Bella had her suspicions about what I had been doing during these nights too? Learning about how I watched over her as she slept wouldn't be a first for her, but I was pretty certain that she wouldn't be quite as forgiving this time around if she found out.

Unless… she had already figured it out, as she seemingly had with my stalking. In which case, what was she even doing here?

"And this wasn't the only night either, was it?"

I didn't like it when she called out my nonsense—but I also didn't hate it. In fact, the feeling it evoked within me was strange and warm and familiar. "It wasn't," I admitted contritely. "I apologize."

"Then if it's not too much to ask… I want to know why."

I knew what the right answer was. I didn't hesitate to offer it, even if it only covered half the truth. "This town is simply reigniting plenty of my bad habits."

"What other bad habits are there?"

"Beyond my weak morals? Are those not enough?"

She rolled her eyes. "Your morals are annoyingly flawless, Edward. I don't know who you're trying to fool here."

"My actions last night beg to differ."

"That doesn't count. You were thirsty."

I chuckled, not really amused. Thirsty was my given state when I was with her. Always. Fucking goddamn always. It was probably so easy for her to forget, since she didn't know how overpowering the flame of my hunger really was. How it burned so furiously, so aggressively, that nothing could tame it long enough to make existing bearable.

She had no idea the kind of pain she had me in.

"My thirst is never an excuse," I grumbled.

"To me it is." She shifted her weight on her right leg, which drew my attention. Her legs were so beautifully shaped, that not even the faint random bruises—surely relics of her clumsiness—could take away from their appeal. They were a work of art—a sinful, forbidden type of art, that made my cock convulse in the tight space of my jeans. "Anyway, do you feel like walking?"

I knew I was still staring when her question reached me. Looking away was the last thing on my list of priorities.

"Shouldn't you cover up?" I snapped—mostly to sober myself up. "You might get cold if you walk around like that in the forest."

"I'm fine," she retaliated. "And in case you haven't noticed, it's perfectly warm outside."

She was not wrong. The weather was uncharacteristically pleasant for a place like Forks—and during a night like this, it was both a blessing and a curse.

"Suit yourself," I shrugged, faking indifference to the best of my abilities. I glanced towards the place where the trees converged into darkness, leading the way into the woods, and I was reminded that Bella's eyesight would require some time to get used to the absence of light once we got there. "I suppose you didn't bring a flashlight this time either," I added, stating the obvious—her hands were empty, after all.

"I would have if I was alone. But I'm not."

Always too trusting. "Of course. Follow me then."

We walked slowly—slow enough for her to properly register my warnings about incoming obstacles and act accordingly. The influx of vegetation surrounding us made her scent grow thicker, trapping it in between branches, in between bushes. It was maddening, truly, but it was an agreeable price to pay if it meant I got to steal a few more moments with her—probably the last, knowing Jacob's plea and Bella's confirmation that she would respect it.

"So," she started, "since you were here before I got the chance to text you, I was wondering when exactly you arrived."

I sighed, fully prepared for her to curse me when she heard what I had to say. "Not that long after you got home. A few hours ago, to be more precise."

"Hours?" She sounded perplexed, but not angry. Not yet. "Then I assume you heard… everything?"

"Something like that," I confirmed vaguely. "I'm sorry."

"What else do you hear? Like in general?"

The answer was disturbingly easy, as the one night when Jacob forced himself on Bella returned to haunt me.

I felt a knot in my chest upon remembering what was certainly the worst night I had witnessed from afar—how it broke me to be unable to react properly, how I had never felt more useless than when I ripped that branch. I had wished so deeply to ask Bella about it before, but I had never found a good enough story to explain why I even knew such an intimate detail about her life.

But now that my secrets had been spilled…

"Do you remember the night when that branch broke?" I asked.

She nodded without much thought. But as a reddish hue started to spread under her skin, it became obvious that she knew what I was talking about.

"What about it?" she muttered.

"That was me."

"Oh…" Unnecessary shame painted her cheeks further. "You didn't have to do that."

"I had to. He wasn't planning on stopping otherwise."

"It's fine, really… he was upset, you know? If that was going to make him feel better, then… I don't know, it wasn't the worst thing in the world."

I was dumbfounded by the ease with which she was speaking about this. Did she not remember what I remembered? "Bella, you cried."

"It wasn't for the reasons you think, trust me."

Frustrated, I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to find my calmness to continue. "Do you at least realize he had no right to do that since you were so hesitant?"

"He would have stopped, whether you intervened or not," she said, successfully avoiding my question. "He's got some limits."

"He didn't seem to have many that night."

"But he does." Bella was determined to stand her ground, I had to give her that. Even the shaky, crumbling ground of defending Jacob's slimy actions. "And he apologized anyway, so… I'd like to leave it at that, if possible."

I wasn't sure why she was so defensive all of a sudden, but I also wasn't keen on the idea of insisting on a subject that seemed to be so sensitive to her. Once again, her choice had to come before what I wanted, even if I didn't understand her reasoning one bit. I had to accept that, for whatever reason, her recollection of that night had cemented itself into a memory that looked quite different from my own.

Neither of us added anything else beyond that for a while. I felt profoundly ashamed of myself and what I had become. But more than that, I was preoccupied with the fact that Bella's anger regarding my invasion of privacy was failing to to show up, which was worrying. I assumed she was lacking the proper incentive, so I decided to help in that regard—remind her of her promises. If I had to guilt trap her into casting our friendship aside before it ruined us both, I wasn't above such tricks.

"Why are you here now, Bella?"

"Because I needed something to calm me down before I fell asleep."

"And saying goodbye helps?" I provoked.

"Who's saying goodbye? I only wanted to spend time with you."

"I know Jacob doesn't want you to. And I know you promised him you will stop hanging out with me."

"So?"

"So, this brings me back to my question: why are you here?"

My question startled her, because her heartbeat stammered when she heard me. But she rushed to respond—as if that was going to distract me from the song of her blood pulsing.

"I enjoy your company—of course, you knew that already." I did know, although I still couldn't believe it. "The thing is, friendships are a rare thing for me these days. Not just because Jacob needs me by his side after everything that happened with his mother and the drinking… but also because he gets a little possessive."

I tensed up. "Possessive how?"

"He's constantly traveling with his job, so when he gets home… he's not happy if I've made plans without him."

That didn't sound healthy—and even though it wasn't appropriate for me to critique her partner and the dynamic of their relationship out loud, I couldn't help it. "You should have some space to be yourself, Bella. You deserve it."

"Maybe you're right, but I didn't really have a lot of friends to begin with, so it wasn't like I had to make this huge sacrifice in order to make Jake happy. But with you, it's… it's different. We haven't seen each other in so long, so now I am trying to make up for all the lost time. Every moment counts, since you'll leave soon enough anyway."

As she talked, my concern for her lack of proper reactions grew. Even with the knowledge that I had been essentially stalking her, she still wanted me around. I didn't know what to do with that piece of information. The part of me that longed to end things was stifled within an inch of its life by the part of me that only wanted more of Bella.

"That can't be right," I said. "Not if us being friends causes you to fight with him."

"Well, he and I don't have to fight if… he doesn't know. After all, it's not like his fears are valid."

She looked up at me with hopeful eyes, crushing my sensibility.

Her naivety really had no bounds, I realized bitterly. In fact, it was endless, thanks to the show I had been putting up. She was thoroughly convinced I had immaculate intentions, choosing to see the best in me. Earlier today, when I made sure to set a clear boundary, I told myself that I was acting in her best interest. Only now I realized that it had not been the case—Bella believed what I shared with her, even when I lied to protect her from the repugnant reality of my feelings. And when faced with Jacob's request, she decided to ignore it because she trusted my lies.

The weight of my actions balanced on top of me, like a cleaver that was getting ready to end me, as I realized that a more reprehensible truth had to come out if I wanted to undo some of the damage I had caused to Bella's relationship. I knew I was doomed to fade into a memory for her again, so this only made my job of melting away from her life easier.

Or so I hoped.

I had to swallow the sudden knot in my chest before I was able to speak again.

Here goes everything.

"No, Bella, that is the problem. His fears are valid. Some of them, at least."

Her steps slowed down, as the meaning of my words fell into place, until they stopped altogether. I stopped too, noticing a large boulder formation not that far away from us.

"I don't understand."

She looked at me, her eyes clearly trying to decipher my expression through the black air of the forest.

I sighed, the taste of defeat coating my tongue. "Do you want to sit down for a minute?"

Bella agreed with a nod, so I guided her gently towards where the boulders awaited. She sat down right where the rock sloped into a seat-like shape, and I chose the remaining space beside her, just a little higher up to the left. I deliberately avoided looking down, knowing that if I did, I would see exactly how close her barren thigh was to my own thigh. Even through the thick cotton of my jeans, her warmth felt palpable, radiating in waves, awakening illicit desires in me.

"I'm listening," she whispered.

I breathed in the night, letting the scent of Bella wash over my senses. There went my chance to be a good friend to her—I could sense it, almost as clearly as the hunger.

"There is no point in denying that I crave your blood," I began. "You know this. The time we spent apart has not numbed my lust for it one bit. If anything, it erased the discipline I had fought so hard to master when we were together."

She didn't reply to this small confession, which didn't surprise me; she already knew this much about me by now.

"You've shown me a great deal of understanding regarding my… problem," I went on. "I can't say I deserve it, but I am grateful for it nonetheless. But therein lies the issue—you shouldn't show me any kind of compassion, because thirst is never the only plight I bring when I'm around you."

"What are you saying?"

One more deep breath, to really help set the truth loose. "I'm saying I want you in more ways than one. And everytime I see you is a reminder that it's not just bloodlust that ties me to you. It's sheer desire too."

"Oh." That simple sound she made was enough to make me understand that she probably didn't believe me. "You want me?" The question was ridiculous to me—in plain daylight, she wouldn't have to ask, she would simply see that my erection was getting ready to burst free from my jeans, serving as ultimate proof of my words.

"Maddeningly so," I admitted. "And I know it's wrong for a million reasons, but it's also not something that I can help. Hell, if it was, we wouldn't be here, having this conversation."

If her heart could jump out of her chest, it would have; it was beating so frantically, reminding me of the desperate flight of a hummingbird.

"You want me," she repeated, and this time it was no longer a question, but an affirmation. She was starting to understand. "As in… my body, my…" I wanted her everything, but that wasn't something I was willing to own up to. "You want me."

"I do. I shouldn't, but I do want you, Bella."

I didn't know what else to say—apologizing felt futile, as I couldn't really do anything to correct my wrongdoing of wanting her. It was her turn to say something. To scold me for even daring to bring up such a salacious topic in front of her. To be mad at me for not fighting harder to repress my lust. To ask me to leave her alone.

But Bella did none of that. She just sat there, by my side, staring straight ahead, with the most puzzling look on her face. Her cheeks were bright red now—understandable, since I had just thrown her into a terribly uncomfortable position—while her gaze seemed almost… nostalgic, as if a long-forgotten sadness had just fallen on her shoulders, reminding her of its existence.

"Okay, since it's honesty hour," she said with a shaky voice, "I'm about to say something that might change the way you look at me."

"Slim chances of that happening." Non-existent, really.

"I don't know if I'll regret it or not, but…"

She trailed off without continuing, so I found myself having to encourage her. What could be the most nefarious outcome? "It can't be worse than my confession."

"No, maybe not worse, but… kind of in the same vein."

My jaw clenched in anticipation. "You can tell me anything, Bella."

There was another brief pause that felt an awful lot like a couple of decades. But when the decades passed and she finally talked, my world came crumbling down. "Well, I want you too."

For a few finite moments, I forgot everything. I forgot my name and the circumstances that had brought me face to face with this dark-haired angel that wouldn't even look at me, in the deep core of the forest. There was no past attached to me, nor future. All I could cling to was this improbable moment and the simple words that were contained within it.

I want you too.

A sacred avowal, that deserved a shrine of its own in the altar of my mind. I mentally repeated those words, waiting for them to turn strange and alien, but they never did. The more they haunted me, the more enthusiastic I became to embrace their simple perfection. And shouldn't it be all so simple from this point on?

Two people, alone and in lust, fully aware of each other's longing. What was the evident path to follow, if not to wrap my arms around Bella and slowly lower her body into the grass below us, where I could peel off the unnecessary separation caused by our clothes and sink into her? What else was there to do, if not to navigate the map of her skin with my tongue, until I reached right between her legs and had my way there? Those legs that she was now crossing so tightly together, causing the web of veins painting her thighs to stand out and a new type of scent to fill the air…

Bella looked up at me right as I swallowed the sudden inflow of venom, breaking my reverie. Still blushing, but now her eyes were curious instead of sad. The feeling of guilt finally started to dawn on me.

"This is bad," I groaned. "Really, really bad."

"Don't say that."

She didn't understand. If the yearning—the cursed lust—was mutual… if she felt it too, to whatever extent… then we were facing an entirely different set of problems. Problems that I was not equipped to confront ethically.

"I shouldn't have opened my mouth at all. This is my fault."

"It's not like ignoring it would have made it go away," she offered innocently.

"No, but it sure as hell would have kept it under wraps, where it belongs."

"Wanting someone is not exactly a capital sin."

"It is, if we consider that ring on your finger," I spat out the words, instantly feeling like an ass for my harsh tone. I wasn't mad at her, only at myself, so I tried to soften my voice immediately after. "And it would have been a non-issue if I didn't forcefully step into your life the way that I did."

I obliged myself to recall the time when I still had a choice. I wanted to reach back in time and nail myself to the floor of that attic in Guadalajara, so I wouldn't ever escape. So that I would get no chances to trespass and disturb the order of Bella's world.

"Edward, do you really want to go there?"

"All I want is to erase the last few minutes," I declared.

"Then I don't know if it helps, but it wouldn't make a difference. What I feel is not exactly new, nor correlated with your return. It's… I don't know how to explain it, but it's always been there, in a way."

I wondered if she was only saying that to make me feel better—it wouldn't be uncharacteristic of her to soothe my monstrous side. However, she was not the most skilled liar and she seemed to be honest, if I had to make a guess.

Conflicted, I pursued the issue further. "Even after…?" I trailed off, too much of a coward to put the reality of what I had done in proper words.

"Yes," she sighed. "I tried running away from it, but… in the end I gave up."

There was a bit of remorse in her voice, yet I still couldn't understand what it was that she actually meant by giving up.

"How do you do that? How do you leave it behind?" I needed those answers more than anything.

"Are you kidding me? You don't. You just learn to live with it. At least I did."

"Even when you're on your way to getting married."

"Yes, because marriage has got nothing to do with it. Thoughts are harmless. They are immaterial, pointless…"

I pondered over that concept for a bit, trying to decide if I felt inclined to agree with it. After almost a century of hearing countless minds, I knew a thing or two about how delicate the processes that gave birth to people's thoughts were. For some individuals, there were not any notable discrepancies between what they thought and how they acted. They barely had anything to hide and life was so simple for them. For others, their minds were completely out of sync with the lives they lived—sometimes the two realities would meet, but there were so many variables along the way that I couldn't rely on my anecdotal memories. But one question remained: was Bella out of sync too? With no shortcut to her mind, I could only speculate.

"So thoughts by themselves cannot constitute a sin?" I inquired. "Is that what you're telling me?"

"Yes, but you make it sound worse than it is." She frowned, moving her eyes and gazing at her hands. "For instance, I know Jake wants other women too. I accidentally stumbled upon his internet history once and… never again." I could confirm that, as the unwanted memory of him jerking off while thinking of various women who weren't Bella made its way to me. I pushed it aside quickly, wishing to have never witnessed those thoughts in the first place. "But he doesn't act on those desires beyond… you know, the obvious… so at the end of the day, it doesn't really hurt our relationship."

"I'm not sure everything is as black and white as you think."

She huffed. "Well, there's a rather universal truth to relationships that I've learned. Your mind can and will get you to crave more than one person at a time."

"No." I shook my head, not agreeing one bit—although I was analyzing her words solely from the perspective of my own kind, not a human's. "I can assure you that's not the case. Not always."

"I thought so too, back when you and me… when we… ah, it doesn't matter."

"That was a long time ago," I murmured.

"As if that makes a difference. Some of the things that happened then changed a few fundamental parts of myself. Now I can't even…"

I waited for her to continue, all of my attention poured into the present moment. Nothing else mattered. The pain I felt when I realized she wasn't going to finish her sentence was almost as severe as the one caused by my parched throat.

"Now you can't even what?" I insisted.

"No, it's too embarrassing."

"I have a feeling we are past the point of embarrassment. Don't you?"

I watched as she nervously pushed the curtain of her hair between us, banning me from seeing her face. I resisted the urge to move her hair away with all I had.

"Bella?"

"I'll only tell you if you promise to tell me something in return." She kept her voice low, as if she didn't even want the trees to hear her.

In my desperation, any caprice of Bella sounded reasonable. "Fine, I'll tell you anything you want. You go first."

I wasn't playing fair, but frankly, neither was she. We were on a dangerous slope, only sliding further and further down, to an abyss we couldn't even see yet.

"Okay." She breathed in, still refusing to glance at me. Then the words started pouring. "So as you might have figured out, Jacob and I never had sex. Not because he didn't want to or anything, but… I was never ready. And we got close to trying several times, but there was constantly a blockage on my end. There were all these little things that dug at me… like, I don't know, he felt either too warm or too soft to my touch, and my brain had already been wired to want neither of those things." She bit her lip, almost as if she was debating whether to continue or not. "That's why I cried that night too. I just hate feeling like I can't do it. So… Jacob agreed to wait until after we're married, when I'm hopefully ready."

I felt my forsaken heart sinking deeper and deeper into nothingness while I listened. Half of her admission was not news to me—I could thank my highly invasive curiosity for that—but the rest of it was not only new, but devastating too, because it proved to me that the wound I had indented in her pristine soul ran deeper than the undiscovered trenches of the ocean, leaving behind irreparable traces of trauma that were invisible at a first glance, but so obvious upon further inspection.

And to add insult to injury, a part of me was aware that, even with this terrifying knowledge unearthed, if I could turn back time I probably still wouldn't have stopped myself from touching her and kissing her when I still had the privilege. A selfish fiend through and through, I would have done it all again, even if the price for my temporary happiness was her indefinitely long intimate strain. Because in my delusion, I liked to believe that the strain would dissipate eventually.

But almost two years had passed and Bella was still aching, still pining for something she should never want. And I wasn't sure how long it was going to take until her mind would settle on the right thing.

"That's a goddamn nightmare," I muttered.

She shrugged and finally looked up at me. "It is what it is. As I said—you learn to live with it." It was scary how at peace she seemed with these particular scars. "Now, for my question: what about you?"

"What about me?"

"Have you got the chance to… you know?"

I was properly mortified that she hadn't guessed it by now. "No, I haven't."

"And aren't you curious? Or, you know, don't you at least think about it?"

Fuck. We were falling in too deeply. Our mutual interest in these matters was magnificently cursed, but I simply couldn't resist its pull. As wrong as it was, I wanted to know more. And I wanted her to know more too.

"I do think about it," I answered. "Maybe more than I should."

"What's holding you back then?"

The truth was obvious enough at this point in our discussion. I was convinced that every question that she might have could easily be answered if she traced it all back to the moment when I acknowledged the genuine amplitude of my lust for her. But Bella's inquiring eyes were too much—too profound and unmoved, as if they needed the truth to cause a ripple on their smooth surface.

Unsurprisingly, I had no willpower in front of them.

So I offered her another divulgence—perhaps more audacious than the first one of this evening. "For me, the very concept of sex is irretrievably tied to you. Every desire, every craving, every need… every curiosity you might imagine… they all circle back to you. No one else."

I was taken aback by the short laugh that rolled from Bella's lips and right into the night—what could possibly be funny about my complete lack of interest in other women?

"You're messing with me."

"You are the one who wanted to know, Bella."

"I know, but I expected… well, to be honest, I don't know what I was expecting. But not this. I thought… I mean there are probably countless options for you to choose from, you know?"

I let out a long, despaired breath. "With all due respect, you don't know what you're talking about."

"Enlighten me then."

If that was a trap, I was ready to fall into it. Happily so. "Do you remember a few nights ago, when we were in the forest? When I got closer than I should have?"

Her breathing pattern became faster at the mention of my vulgar manners. "Yes."

"Good." I noticed that my breathing wasn't much better than hers. I fought to get it under control, if only to finish what I wanted to say next. "What you will certainly not remember, because you were not there to see it, is that after we parted, I was a mess. Sharing that closeness with you got me so riled up, so quickly, it was pure insanity… and you have to understand, I am no longer used to resisting this type of yearning. Everything you do affects me tenfold. I am simply out of practice with you. So when I did feel the yearning again, I didn't know what to do with myself. I went right back into the woods and… my instincts led the way from there."

"What did you do?"

Another confession—the worst one yet. The worst one ever. "I came. While thinking of you."

The pigment that flowed to inundate her cheeks was indescribable. Red and hot and sensual, a sight to behold. I expected her to shy away from my penetrating gaze, but she didn't. In fact, she pressed her nails into the flesh of her thighs, as her irises bore into mine.

"I understand and I apologize if bringing this up was too much. And if you want me to walk you back now, I—"

"I don't want to go back," she cut off my attempt to be chivalrous. "But I was wondering. Was that… the only time?"

"Recently, yes. Ever? Not really."

Her top teeth attacked her bottom lip softly as she listened. The carnal power of that action alone made me pull back on the rock, gliding further away from her.

"Just to be clear, I didn't think it was too much," she said. "Although my opinion may not be the most reliable, since… I do that too. And I've been doing it for a while now."

I was already sitting on the proverbial powder keg, but that admission alone? It was the match that got it to explode. And explode it did, along with the legion of improper thoughts I had been holding back. My imagination went wild with possibilities. I pictured Bella, laying in her bed wearing these exact same clothes, only this time she opened her legs wide. In my chimerical scenario, she slid one hand under her shorts, until her fingers reached heaven. I could picture the feeling of that touch… warm, silky, and probably really, really wet. I could imagine the sounds that would follow. Delicate moans. Sloppy, sloshing noises, as her fingers worked to properly caress her waiting pussy. Hitched breaths, as pleasure grew relentlessly. More moans, as the crescendo would reach its peak.

My jeans were on the verge of tearing from the pressure of my hardened cock straining against their fabric. To be honest, they were doing an admirable, if ultimately fruitless job to keep my erection contained.

"Tell me more," I requested with greed.

"Are you sure you want to hear this?"

"Absolutely sure."

"All right, then if we go back to that sex situation I was telling you about… I thought I was broken for the longest time, I swear. I think being with you actually broke something inside me, in a way." She stopped, a small dimple forming in the place where her eyebrows met into a frown. It was still so difficult to refrain myself from comforting her with an embrace. "And after you left, when Jacob and I finally got together… God, I wanted to feel something, I swear, but I just couldn't. Whatever mechanism that drives humans to crave sex must have been out of order for me, because… all I felt was complete nothingness. And it wouldn't have been so difficult to accept my state, if I didn't know any better. But the problem was that I did know that I could be functional in that one regard."

I also knew this about her. When it came to the physical part of our past relationship, Bella had always been more than eager to explore the various trails that could lead to a world of pleasure. She used to exist in a constant state of being ready and willing to go further, except I could never offer her what she wanted. What we both wanted. If I hadn't been so pressed about all the potential things that could go wrong, I would have gladly spent hours fucking her.

Even days, if her body allowed it.

"Of course, I couldn't bring myself to think about that side of me for too long, because it involved too many memories of you," she carried on. "And at the time, each memory was… hell on earth. But you know how I was telling you about my forest walks and how they were some sort of exposure therapy for me, when it came to the process of accepting your decision?" I nodded, completely caught up in her story. I could tell where she was going with it, but I still needed to hear everything out loud, just to make sure I was not deluding myself. "Well, they helped in more than one regard, because one night… one night, when Jake was away, I went for another walk. And I remember that I felt frustrated, because he and I had just fought about the lack of physical intimacy in our relationship. I was angry with myself, because I couldn't be normal and give him this one thing that he wanted. This one thing that was such a natural thing to expect. But it wasn't just about Jacob. The problem was that I couldn't even dream of the idea of pleasure for myself, unless it was a fleeting memory of you and me, kissing and…"

Transfixed as I was, I was instantly pulled back to reality when Bella stopped again. I couldn't bear one second longer without hearing the rest, so I swallowed my common sense and drew my body closer to her, to make her aware that I was actively listening. Her heated fragrance paralyzed me in an instant.

Seconds later, she picked up right where she left off. "Anyway, those were the types of thoughts that I kept under lock and key, as a general rule, even during those walks. But then again, I was so angry with myself, that… I don't know, I felt like rebelling. So I wondered: what if I allowed myself to reignite those particular memories again? Would it really be so bad? So… I sat down on the nearest fallen tree and did exactly that for a while. I thought about our first kiss… then the first time you kissed my neck… and the rest came into a cascade: fragments of nights spent in my bedroom—almost breaking new limits, figments of touches that you allowed to linger on my skin longer than I could hope for, of kisses so deep that I could feel you bury your way through me with your tongue…" Bella closed her eyes, making me wonder if the remembrance of those moments was still fresh to her—God knew it was fresh to me. "And it was like all the broken pieces of me were coming together, finally making sense. Suddenly I wanted to be touched again. I wanted to touch again, to… to be on the very brink of going all the way and actually go all the way. My body felt alive, you know? And it felt so right." I nodded through my shock. Through my arousal. "I came so hard that night, I thought I was going to pass out."

Bella seemed to be just as affected by this brazen recollection as I was. Neither of us could breathe right, neither of us could stand completely still. I was simply drunk from the electricity that flowed between us and its meaning.

"The funniest thing is that I stopped doing it right around the time you returned," she added. "And I guess it's because your physical presence rekindled my desire in a way that my mind couldn't even dream of. But now, I'm obviously facing a different problem."

"And that is?"

"The fact that it's like I'm on fire whenever you're near. I've been trying to ignore it, but it's too much, I… I need to be released from this feeling."

God, the implication of those words!

I could see it—my fall from grace, right now, right here. It wouldn't take much; I only needed to grab Bella and bring her on top of me, tearing off her clothes in the process. She would feel how hard I was for her and the rest would follow naturally. But knowing what I was, it wouldn't be long until the urge to bite her would take over the urge to fuck her. The road from loving to killing my beloved was so short and narrow…

Then there was the fact that she was already spoken for…

No, there was no way I could go through with this.

"That's what I want too," I whispered, slowly dying with each syllable. "But we can't ever do it, you know exactly why."

"I know, I know, but… I can't help it. Can't I at least think about it? Is it so wrong to just… fantasize? Fantasies never harmed anyone, did they?"

That was an impossible quandary. I couldn't solve it rationally, when my cock ached so badly as a result of the mob of fantasies afflicting me. "I'm in no position to answer that question."

She eyed me carefully. "Then maybe if we only… touch ourselves a little? Without even looking at each other. It wouldn't be so wrong, would it? I mean… we do it when we're alone regardless."

I had no idea how she was able to twist these delirious hypotheses around and make them sound almost sane, but she was succeeding. "I… suppose it wouldn't be as much of a crime."

"So… this would be the same, except… it just so happens that we're not alone."

"Precisely."

"It would still be just a fantasy."

"Nothing more," I lied, fully knowing that it would mean everything to me. What Bella didn't know—and she would never find out, I decided—was that there was a force more powerful than my thirst for her blood and my lust for her body.

My love for who she was.

She swallowed loudly, suddenly looking down, and I understood the cue. I turned around on the rock swiftly, changing my position until Bella and I were still next to each other, but facing different directions.

"You can still change your mind," I reminded her, staring at the black silhouette of two conjoined trees in front of me.

"No, I need this too much."

Her voice was needy and pleading, with no sign of shame. She knew what she wanted and wasn't afraid to speak it into existence, which only heightened my excitement.

But as the moments passed and nothing happened, I realized that there seemed to be something that she was afraid of. Even with her overzealous hormones working over time, Bella was still pristine and inexperienced. She probably had no idea where to start. I wasn't any better than her in this regard, yet I felt bold in new, unabashed ways.

In fact, I felt an enthusiastic vehemence when I realized that I had to take the lead.

"Do you want me to talk you through it?" I suggested.

"Please."

I didn't need more. I knew what I wanted. "Tell me what you think about when you do it alone."

"I think about you. Your voice, your face… and your body…"

My ego rejoiced, but I kept the enthusiasm to myself. "And now? What are you thinking right now?"

She hesitated, and I could feel the boulder underneath us vibrating from the way her body trembled with anticipation. "Well… a lot of things."

"Name one."

"I wish you could touch me, Edward. At least once."

I could swear that several cells in my body defrosted upon hearing her wish. "Oh, Bella… I'd touch you all day if I could."

"Yes… I really need your hands on me."

"Where do you need them?"

"On my waist."

I closed my eyes, imagining that and smiling to myself. "Mhm, there… and then lower."

"Yes," she agreed. "And I need your lips too."

"Where?"

"Anywhere you want."

Letting myself get carried by the flow of our conversation, I offered her the truth. "On your lips. I miss them."

"I miss yours more than anything," she replied immediately, pouring more gasoline over the fire consuming me.

"And then on your neck."

"Yes… and… lower?"

She didn't seem sure, but I was. "Lower," I decided. "On your breasts." Then my bravery took new forms. "Speaking of which—why don't you go ahead and touch them for me?"

Her trembling subsided as I heard her moving to follow my instructions. I didn't dare break the rules by looking at her—even if I very, very much wanted to—but I could hear. Her T-shirt made a distinct sound when it rubbed against her skin, as she pushed her hand up. Then, a deeper sound when her palm met her skin. I groaned at the mental image it evoked in me.

"Where is your hand now?" I asked.

"Underneath my shirt."

"Be more precise."

"On my left nipple."

Fuck. How I envied that lucky hand! Maintaining my composure was a herculean effort, but it had to be done. My voice was low and sure when I talked. "Good. Use both of your hands now. I certainly would."

Bella listened, because the same sequence of sounds I had just heard followed. But this time, she let out a small whimper.

"How does it feel?"

"Almost as good as if you were the one doing it."

It seemed that, even with no prior training, she knew what to say to get me riled up. My painful erection throbbed and pulsed, letting me know that it could no longer bear being ignored. Slowly, my right hand reached to grab it through my jeans, offering the brief illusion of relief.

"Go slow and don't miss an inch," I demanded through gritted teeth. "I would take my time."

"And if I'm impatient?"

"It wouldn't make a difference if I was the one touching you right now. I love a good challenge."

Bella suspired, clearly a little frustrated, but didn't protest. Instead, she seemed to have a curiosity of her own. "What are you doing right now?"

I looked down at my busy hand. I considered my verbality and whether speaking like a proper gentleman made sense in such a situation. With my cells blasting with fire from the continuous excitement I had been collecting in my body, I realized I couldn't care less about gentlemanly discourse. The answer was highly lewd, but then so was the nature of what we were doing.

"I'm starting to get a feel of my cock through my jeans," I responded.

"Mmmmm,"—the way she sobbed should have been illegal—"are you hard?"

"I've been hard as a rock all evening, Bella. And pretty much every goddamn second we've been spending together."

"Ah… I'd do anything to see you like this."

"I can say the same. But our imagination will have to suffice."

Another little whimper slipped through her lips, less innocent than the first. I could feel my lack of resistance growing stronger, overtaking the remnants of self-control that still struggled to survive. Clearly having a mind of their own, my hands worked to free my erection at long last. My fervour caused my movements to be careless and harsh, which resulted in my zipper completely ripping apart.

I cursed, but the annoyance didn't last long. My cock sprung upwards, demanding my attention, so I grabbed it tightly. The sensation was sublime, getting me to let out another obscenity. But more than that, the intensity of it was doubled by the fact that Bella was sitting so close to me, her presence a chorus of ragged breaths and fast-pumping blood.

"What happened?"

"I might have ripped the zipper of my jeans," I admitted. She laughed and I followed, but the laughter soon got drowned by new sounds of pleasure on both ends.

"Are you touching yourself?" she whispered.

"I am." My hand moved down the length of my shaft, all the way down to my balls. Then up, reaching the sensitive head and stroking it gently. Then down again, already becoming aware of how easy it would be to find completion if I kept this pace. "Listen, I want you to do the same. Can you?"

"I was hoping you'd ask."

Every single move she made felt connected directly to my nervous system. Even if I couldn't see her, I could tell what was happening. My ears were seemingly wired to decipher each undulation of the commotion beside me. Seconds later, once her clothes stopped their rustling, I knew her journey had been accomplished. Her fingers taped down on her skin once, before they slid down, making an almost imperceptible sound. Then, not even a second later, a sloppy noise overlapped with Bella's moan.

I froze, understanding what was happening.

Soon enough, the same new, yet familiar scent I felt earlier, started dancing in the air. It was sweet and thick and lubricious, threatening to override the bouquet of her blood. It made my mouth water, but not with venom.

"You sound wet," I observed, tense as an outstretched wire. The hand I kept on my cock slowed down the rubbing—if I wasn't careful, I wouldn't last as long as I wanted.

"You can't even imagine how wet…"

Oh, I could. I could imagine many things when it came to her. Right now, I could imagine myself turning around and kneeling in front of her. Removing her clothes and parting her legs wide, revealing her in all her glory. Leaning in and allowing my lips and tongue to explore all that wetness firsthand, with long, interminable kisses. Licking and lapping at her entrance, like a starved animal, because that was precisely what I was.

"Bella…" Her name left my lips in a half-growl. "You need to tell me more."

Unlike me, her stroking motion had not slowed down. It kept picking up momentum, the more we talked. "It's flowing out of me… probably already ruined my underwear… and everything feels so warm and heated."

"Fuck… your pussy sounds like absoute heaven."

"It's all because of you."

"What I'd give to feel you on my fingertips… to let you really drench them…"

"Oh, God… I wouldn't last a single second if you were touching me."

"I wouldn't expect you to," I teased.

Bella moaned at my mischievous remark, and I heard her arousal sloshing sultrily under her fingers. She wasn't playing around, not one bit. For reasons that I still couldn't completely wrap my head around, she wanted this as much as me. It wasn't just a hedonistic caprice. It was a pure, unquestionable necessity that had been left unsatisfied for too long.

And God, how I wanted her to be satisfied! The fact that I couldn't use any part of my body to bring her pleasure was infuriating, but it made me all the more determined to succeed by using words alone. Thankfully, I had read enough books and I had explored enough minds to understand how these things worked—not that theory could ever substitute actual experience, but it was better than complete ignorance.

So I had to make sure that she was on the right track. "Are you rubbing your clit?" I checked.

"Yes," she breathed.

"I'd like you to go a little harder on it."

"I… might… I might come really soon if I do."

"Perfect, that's what I want."

I listened carefully, pleased to hear that Bella decided to obey my whims. Her long mewl filled the air between us—a testament to how good the new rhythm felt. In response, I picked up my pace too, applying more pressure each time my palm rubbed against the tip of my cock. For a while, nothing else could be heard in the forest, apart from the symphony we made with our bodies separately, yet together. It was the most beautiful song. But it was the most awful song too, because it served to remind me that my life would never get better than this very moment.

The last great summit of pleasure wasn't too far away—I, for one, could see it clearly. Even with my thirst wreaking havoc in the background of my senses, I knew I would be able to reach it. But I stopped again and again right when I reached its foothill, in an attempt to prolong the inevitable.

"Edward." My name sounded like a prayer when she uttered it. I almost turned to look at her, but I murdered that impulse quickly. "What are you doing right now?"

"I'm trying my best to delay my orgasm, to be honest. I don't think I can hold it for much longer."

"I'm… oh, I'm… I'm close too."

"Then don't hold back, I want to hear you."

"Yes!"

"Keep going."

"I am… I am…"

As words melted into helpless moans, I knew we had reached the point of no return. She was no longer coherent and I loved witnessing this side of her—a side that had always been readily available, but that I had been too terrified to pursue all the way. I felt inclined to mourn all the decisions that got me where I was: hidden in the heart of the forest, with Bella by my side and ready to fall into the sweetest perdition, yet somehow being a goddamn friend and nothing more to her.

All my fault, all my fault, all my fault.

But my mourning was difficult to sustain when infinitely more captivating things were unfolding. Bella gasped my name and I felt the rock vibrating again from her movements. Then, once more, my name tumbled out of her mouth, this time in a profound groan. The sloppy noises made by her fingers as they ceaselessly played with her cunt were louder than ever now, and I surmised this was the end.

And indeed it was.

Bella's orgasm, as I quickly learned, was a thing of godly perfection. It was difficult to say what I loved more about it—the way she cried out her rapture, knowing that I'd be the only one to hear it? The way the scent of her arousal took up all the space in my lungs, leaving me a hungry and ravenous mess? Or perhaps the way her head fell to the side, directly on my shoulder, right as the last ripples of release shook her body?

I couldn't find an answer.

My climax followed immediately, almost on command. Through a haze, I heard Bella encouraging me softly to let go. I spilled my load into the grass, while muttering her name again and again, like an invocation. Nothing felt real anymore: not the conjoined trees in front of me, not the angel beside me, not even my own body.

My conscience was floating somewhere between realms I had never seen before. There was no bitterness or regret here, in this uncertain place, only peace, quiet, and the purest love to have ever existed. I stood still, never having experienced a depravity more sublime, nor a pleasure more paralyzing.

But this limbo was ephemeral, for it disappeared before I could really grasp its divine nature. It disappeared around the same time I realized that, as satisfied as I was, I already wanted to do it again. It was a strange sentiment, one that I had not faced before. Shouldn't once be enough? Shouldn't I be fulfilled?

Bella's voice got my attention, bringing me back to earth completely. "That… was…"

"I know," I sighed.

I noticed that she was still leaning her head against my shoulder, which thawed my otherwise cold veins and filled them with streams of warmth. This was the closest we could afford to be after the monumental experience we both shared—and it had to be enough. Enough for now.

"Edward?"

"Hm?"

"I think we should do this again soon."

I nodded, surprised by how reasonable her proposal sounded to me. My fall from grace was complete now, not even guilt could work to bring me back to my once moral-guided self. My love for Bella trumped everything else—and if it was only lust that she craved, I could offer her that. God knew that I had plenty of depravity in me to share with her and only her. The rest of my feelings could be kept hidden inside me, where they belonged. She didn't have to know—it wouldn't have changed anything in the end.

"I think so too," I agreed.

"Tomorrow?" There was a hint of a smile in her tone.

"Yes."

"And… every day until you leave?"

I didn't know when that would be, but it didn't matter. "And every day until I leave," I vowed solemnly.

Gently, I allowed my cheek to rest against the top of her head, not yet realizing what I had got myself into.

Um, is it hot in here? Should I open a window or something?

There were a lot of confessions and questionable decisions made this chapter, so I am particularly excited to know your thoughts :). How far do you think this deal that Edward and Bella made will go?

If you'd like to see sneak peeks for future chapters, you are welcome to join my Facebook group: Twilight fanfics: "NightBloomingPeony & friends corner"

Until next Sunday, stay safe and happy!