A/N: Please note that this chapter contains references to past sexual assault/attempted rape. If that type of thing will be triggering for you, you may want to skip this chapter.
Regina woke up first the next morning, smiling softly at the way Emma was draped nearly entirely on top of her. She'd obviously migrated over to Regina's side of the bed at some point in the night. Emma's head now lay on her breast, hand under Regina's pyjama top and resting against the skin of her stomach. Regina was incredibly grateful that Emma's hand had not migrated any lower. Just the mere presence of her hand near that area was enough for Regina's morning hardness to twitch.
It felt nice, Regina thought, to be gently touched this way by Emma. Too nice, though, and so Regina took a few moments to think about other things, about chores and scrubbing bathtubs and her mother, in order for her hardness to disappear. She knew she needed to talk to Emma, and soon. But for now, Regina allowed herself to simply enjoy Emma's body pressed into her.
Regina carefully adjusted herself in her underwear before wrapping one arm around Emma's back, the other coming to her shoulder, resting it there as she stroked her fingers through Emma's hair. It took several minutes of scratching at Emma's scalp before the woman began stirring, causing a grin of sheer happiness to spread on Regina's lips.
"Mmm. Feels nice."
Regina chuckled at the groggy words, smiling to herself as Emma snuggled in closer.
"You feel nice."
Regina shifted to kiss her forehead.
"As do you."
Emma rubbed her face against the softness she was curled into, trying to wipe the sleepiness from her eyes. When she realised where exactly she was touching, Emma jerked back, shifting higher and mumbling an apology.
"I didn't mean to do that."
Regina tugged at her hair affectionately.
"It's alright."
She knew that Emma didn't mean anything by it, and in all fairness, she loved the feeling of a breast beneath her head as well. Or, she assumed she still did. God, it had been far too long.
"I could wake up to this every morning."
Regina gave a small laugh.
"I'm sure. Did you sleep well?"
Emma nodded sleepily, shifting to crawl further up Regina's body and kissing her cheek, sprawling more fully on her.
"This okay?"
"It is. It's nice."
"I'm not crushing you?"
"No. I enjoy the feeling."
"Good," Emma responded, kissing Regina's neck softly. "You been up long?"
"No. Only a few minutes."
"Good. How did you sleep?"
"Much better than usual. You're a very good heater."
Emma chuckled, finally opening her eyes to look at the other woman. She had to shift back a little to see her, but she made sure to keep an arm slung around Regina's waist.
"I run a little hot at night."
"I'm always frozen."
"I should probably sleep over more often then. You know, make sure you don't freeze to death."
"In my home. Which is heated."
"Crazier things have happened."
Regina gave a soft laugh, her hand moving to stroke against Emma's cheek.
"Good morning."
"Mornin'. You look even more beautiful this morning, you know that?"
"You are a flatterer."
Emma shook her head.
"I mean it. I like seeing you this early. I love the way your hair looks like this," she said, reaching up to stroke at Regina's untamed curls. "You look so soft and sleepy. I like that I get to see you like this."
Regina warmed at Emma's words, turning her head to kiss her palm.
"The feeling is very mutual, Emma. You looked quite peaceful this morning."
"You mean before you woke me?" Emma teased.
"I missed you," Regina answered honestly.
Emma's heart swelled with affection. She held Regina's gaze, the two sharing a soft smile before Emma's eyes fell to Regina's lips, a sudden pang of want hitting her hard. When she looked back up, she saw Regina's matching stare, and she knew the woman was thinking the same thing. Regina bit her lip, Emma looking down and staring at the action, swallowing hard against the sudden jolt of arousal the struck her body.
"Shall we get up? I'll make breakfast," Regina finally said, after several moments of silence.
As much as she'd have loved to stay in bed holding Emma, any longer and she'd have broken and hauled her up and into a kiss. And given that they hadn't yet done that, Regina didn't want their first one to be before she had had the opportunity to brush her teeth.
"Coffee?"
Regina chuckled, sliding out from under Emma and reaching for her robe.
"That can be arranged."
After quickly going to the bathroom to pee and brush her teeth (and taking the opportunity to privately slip into her compression shorts), Regina headed downstairs. She turned on the coffee before making her way into the fridge to pull out eggs, bacon, cheese, and some veggies for an omelette. She softly hummed to herself as she grabbed a knife and a cutting board, enjoying the quiet of the kitchen as she worked. As she stood there chopping peppers and wondering if Emma would be okay with this breakfast, she was startled out of her thoughts as strong hands landed on her hips. Regina gasped and dropped the knife in surprise (luckily it landed on the cutting board) before she was unceremoniously spun around to face bright green eyes, which were staring at her intently.
"Okay. I have been fighting since last night with how badly I want to kiss you. And just now in bed, I wanted to so bad again but I hadn't brushed my teeth, and I didn't have your permission. And now I'm watching you, and you look so fucking adorable in your pjs and bathrobe, singing, making breakfast, and all I want is to-"
When Regina's mind finally caught up with what Emma was saying, she immediately surged up and silenced her, arms coming around Emma's shoulders as she pressed their lips together. Emma moaned against her, all thoughts fleeing her mind, hands pressing at Regina's lower back as she pulled her up against her body.
God, Emma had been wanting to do this for so long. Nothing, nothing could have prepared her for how good Regina felt against her lips, how perfectly she fit into her arms, how wonderful the entire sensation of finally, finally getting to touch Regina like this…
It was incredible.
Emma held her close. Her hands rested on Regina's waist at first before they slowly began to wander, sliding up and down her back, stroking against her hips, roaming along her shoulders. God, Regina felt incredible under her hands and against her lips. Emma's head was spinning as she kissed and touched the smooth body against her, one hand finally settling around Regina's lower back, the other coming up to gently bury in her hair.
Regina melted into Emma's arms, the hand in her hair holding her so carefully, the one at her lower back creating a delicious heat even though layers of material. She could feel Emma's thumb slowly stroking back and forth along her spine and it was driving Regina wild, the desire that simple gesture caused was setting her on fire. Her knees buckled as Emma tilted her head to press their lips together a little more firmly, her head swimming when she felt a strong hand pull her closer, supporting part of her weight. Regina's belly stirred with arousal, and she could feel the way she was hardening with every second that Emma kissed her.
She shifted slightly, discreetly tucking herself down further between her legs, paranoid that Emma might feel exactly what she was doing to her. Luckily, it seemed that Emma noticed nothing, however, far too distracted by the kiss she'd been dreaming about for weeks.
Emma tilted her head as they kissed and took a step forward, Regina now boxed into the counter of the island. Emma pressed their bodies together, holding them closely together for a few seconds before her brain reminded her to take things slowly, to be gentle. Emma softened her touches, pulling away just a little so that Regina wasn't pressed into the island so much as leaning back into it. She wanted nothing more than to haul Regina up and nestle her body between her legs, but she forced herself to take things slowly, to calm down, so she softened her kisses, lightened her touches against Regina's body, and willed her body to relax. It was difficult though, given how wet she was, how swollen she felt between her legs. But still, kissing Regina was incredible.
Emma was in heaven. She never could have imagined how perfect Regina would feel in her arms. She never wanted to let go, but she was getting light-headed, and if she didn't pull away, she was going to take things up a notch, something she didn't want to do. Not yet.
Slow, Emma.
Emma pulled away reluctantly, panting heavily as she tried desperately to catch her breath. Regina's forehead dropped against her collarbone, hot breath brushing against her skin. Emma's hand gently stroked at Regina's hair before moving to cup her head tenderly, turning her neck slightly to kiss the woman's temple.
"Christ," Regina finally panted, arms tightening around Emma's neck. "I don't know that I've ever been kissed quite like that."
Emma chuckled, moving her arm down to hold Regina's waist.
"I didn't want to stop but I had to because I was getting a little… heated."
Regina laughed into her throat, placing a soft kiss there.
"Me too," Regina admitted.
Regina pulled back to look into Emma's eyes, moving a hand to gently cup her cheek before leaning in for another languid, gentle kiss. They kissed softly for a few more minutes before Regina pulled back, smiling at her.
"Hi."
"Hey, gorgeous. God damn you can kiss."
Regina giggled, leaning forward to kiss her cheek before wrapping her arms around Emma's neck again and pulling her into a comfortable embrace. Emma tugged her closer, burying her face in the woman's hair, kissing her gently.
"You feel so good."
Regina nodded in response, enjoying the way Emma held her close. They stood there in the kitchen, letting their arousal wane, waiting for their bodies to calm down, before they gently pulled apart again. Regina leaned forward and gave Emma one last gentle kiss, reveling in the way that Emma's lips felt pressed against her own, the way her body hummed at the connection, before finally turning in her arms and away from the temptation to do continue doing more.
She lifted her knife and resumed the chopping she was doing earlier, but she didn't get very far, the hair on the back of her neck standing up on end. Emma's eyes were on her, and she could feel the woman's desire.
"You're staring, Emma."
"I know. I'm trying to convince myself to move away from you. But all I can think about is how badly I wanna kiss you some more."
Regina swallowed, putting down the knife and splaying her hands against the cool surface of the countertop. Her arousal came roaring back to life, her stomach heating up at the desire she could hear in Emma's words. She was breathing heavily, the thickness in Emma's voice adding fuel to the fire that was still burning between her legs. She wanted that too, but right now, she needed to gather herself enough to be able to even begin to formulate words and attempt to deflate the semi-hardness throbbing between her legs. She flexed her thighs, tensing and hold her muscles in order to try and redirect the blood flowing to her cock. It worked for a second, until she felt Emma move behind her and press against her back.
Emma stepped forward and softly pressed her lips to back of Regina's neck, the woman's head dropping forward as a moan fell from her lips. Regina gripped the counter for support, all ability to form words now completely gone, the feel of Emma's lips against her skin stealing her ability to formulate words. So much for calming down.
"What you do to me, Emma…"
Emma began kissing the side of her throat, palms resting on Regina's hips.
"I'm sorry. I can't help it."
Regina tilted her head to give her better access.
"I'm not complaining."
"Good, because I really like touching you."
Emma kept her hands off of anything intimate as she began moving them along Regina's body, sticking mostly to her hips and sides, but god damn if that didn't still turn Regina on until she was practically trembling with need. She was hard, absolutely rock hard, and she was struggling to remain upright after just a few minutes of Emma's delicious attention.
"Regina," Emma panted. "I really wanna kiss you again."
Regina nodded enthusiastically, immediately turning herself around to wrap her arms around Emma, their mouths meeting in a desperate kiss. She groaned when Emma took a half step forward, shifting her stance to pull her hips away from the other woman, desperate to hide what was screaming for Emma's attention.
Emma respected Regina's body language, keeping their hips apart, fingers digging into Regina's flesh as she kept her distance. This kiss was harder than their first, more desperate, and Regina's body was on fire with need even as she tried to hide what was now becoming a painful erection. It had been so long since anyone had caused her body to react this way.
Regina dug her fingers in Emma's lower back, trying to distract herself from the throbbing between her legs, tilting her head and craning her neck to press her lips firmly against Emma's, while the woman gripped her hip and held her by the back of her head. God, it was overwhelming in the best way.
Regina's head was dizzy with the feel of Emma against her upper body, the scent of her invading her nostrils, the way she kissed Regina so passionately made her tremble with need. Regina moaned into their kiss, hard nipples scraping against the rough fabric of her pj top as Emma's lips stroked against her own. God, the need between her legs was making her tremble.
They kissed until they couldn't breathe, Regina finally ripping away from perfect lips, panting heavily against Emma's chin.
"Emma, we have to stop," Regina finally groaned, loathe to admit it but she knew she had to. If they didn't stop now, this was going to go much further than either of them were ready for.
"I know," Emma bemoaned, her left hand softly rubbing up and down Regina's hip, sighing in resignation. "You feel so good."
"As do you," Regina panted, shifting uncomfortably against the need between her legs. She was aching, and she wanted nothing more than to go to the bathroom to relieve herself.
Regina closed her eyes and pulled Emma closer, while discreetly keeping their lower bodies slightly apart, the women hugging for long moments. It felt so good to hold each other like this, and so neither one moved for a very long time.
"You look so fucking beautiful. You can definitely tell you've been doing something naughty," Emma teased, pulling away slightly and grinning wildly when their gazes locked. "Oh, yeah. Totally obvious."
Regina cleared her throat, slowly turning and grabbing the cutting knife to resume working on their long forgotten breakfast. She bit back a moan as she moved, breath hitching when the sensitive head of her cock grazed against the seam of her compression shorts. Christ, she was far too turned on. It was for that reason it took her several seconds before she could finally answer.
"I've no idea what you mean, miss Swan. I've been here innocently cutting vegetables."
Emma cackled, laughing even louder when she heard Regina's soft giggles.
"I fucking love your sense of humour," Emma said, wrapping her arms around Regina's middle and squeezing her. "I hope you know that."
Regina simply bit her lip in response.
"That's what got me in trouble to first time," Emma said, pointing up at Regina's lip. "You were concentrating so hard you were biting your lip, then you poked your tongue out for a second, and I was done. I couldn't resist you anymore. You looked so god damn adorable."
Regina flushed, refusing to look over at her. She'd been trying to break this habit for decades, but no matter how hard she tried, the second she began concentrating, her tongue would peek out the side of her mouth or she'd begin biting her lip.
"It's a habit I cannot seem to overcome."
"Never do, please. It's so cute. I want to see it forever."
Regina didn't respond, but Emma saw the pleased smile on her face, so she took that as a win.
"So, what can I do?"
"Hold me for a moment and then perhaps you can work on our coffees?"
"That, I can definitely do."
Emma held Regina close, resting her chin on the woman's shoulder as she watched her work. She splayed one hand against Regina's belly, her thumb stroking her stomach over her robe, the other hand wrapped around Regina's lower belly and holding her hip. The two women enjoyed the close contact as Regina worked, Emma only pulling away when it was clear that Regina needed to move to the stove to start actually pan frying the veggies.
Emma reluctantly removed herself, making her way over to the coffee pot. She poured their coffees, eyes rarely leaving Regina. She couldn't help staring as the woman moved around the kitchen so gracefully, pulling out frying pans and oils and herbs. When she finished fixing their drinks, Emma moved to where Regina was stood by the stove.
Regina happily took her coffee from her, pecking her on the lips in thanks. She continued making their breakfast as Emma watched her, oddly at ease with Emma as her audience. She liked her attention, liked that Emma was looking at her with such open affection, and when their gazes occasionally met, she also liked the way her stomach fluttered when Emma smiled at her.
They ate their breakfast together at the island (Regina breathing an internal sigh of relief when her erection disappeared entirely), exchanging smiles and brief touches. Emma complimented Regina's cooking, causing the woman to smile, which pleased Emma beyond belief. She loved being the reason Regina smiled.
"So, what time are we picking up the kid?"
Regina sat back in her seat, sipping her coffee slowly.
"I'm not sure. I told him to call me when he was ready to come home, but I don't believe that will be until the afternoon. My mother typically requests the cook to provide a buffet style breakfast on Sundays, and with Henry there, I imagine it will be a whole ordeal."
"Your mother has a cook? Like, a private chef?"
Regina raised an eyebrow.
"You're surprised?"
"Sort of. I guess I never considered it."
"My mother does nothing herself except ruin other people's lives. She has a gardener, a cook, a cleaner, a bookkeeper. Someone to do her shopping. She even had someone specifically to answer the door when I was growing up, but since my parents are older now and tend to host less, that job has been relegated to the cleaner. And when she's not around, my father typically does it. Except for Tuesdays, when she knows Henry is coming. That's the only time she will lower herself to answering the door," Regina said, rolling her eyes.
Emma didn't say anything in response, which surprised Regina.
"What?" she asked.
"Your mother is a piece of work."
She chuckled.
"I know. Where do you think I learnt to be such a bitch?"
"You're not a bitch," Emma said firmly.
"I was, Emma. I am still occasionally, and I can be when I want to be. In some ways, it's easier to just be nasty."
"Maybe. And maybe it feels that way because you've been doing so long. But you can't tell me it feels good."
The belly ache that Regina used to sport regularly, the one that caused her to curl up into herself when she was alone, that prevented her from being able to swallow lunch sometimes, that kept her on edge and ready to pounce because of the near constant anxiety, no. That hadn't felt good.
"It didn't," Regina admitted. She didn't like being cruel, and the truth was, it was nice to now feel as though she had Emma and Belle in her corner, on top of David and her father. Maybe even Ruby too, to some degree. And Granny.
"It's a choice, Regina. And you're choosing differently now."
"I'm a regular children's novel," she drolled.
Emma snorted.
"Okay, so still a bit of an asshole."
Emma grinned widely when she heard Regina's small laugh.
"I like it when you giggle."
"I do not giggle."
"Oh you do. And you just did, and it was really sweet."
Emma got up then, pulling the coffee cup from Regina's hand and stepping into her space. She leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on her lips before pulling back and smiling at her.
"You're adorable. Say it."
"I will not."
"You are. Come on, repeat after me: I'm adorable."
Regina rolled her eyes.
"You can do it."
"You aren't going to let up until I comply, will you?"
Emma tugged her up into her arms and squeezed her tight.
"Nope. So you better do it."
Regina sighed dramatically.
"Fine. I'm adorable. Happy?"
"You're a very good girl," Emma teased, but her smile faded instantly when she felt Regina freeze in her arms. Regina practically ripped herself away, eyes wide as she backed up, hand up floating up to her lips, expression horrified. "Regina?"
Emma watched, confused, as Regina covered her mouth, and it took her a second to realise the woman was gagging. Emma snatched the garbage bin from under the sink, bringing it to Regina's hand.
Regina gripped the garbage bin while she fought the urge to vomit, swallowing against the bile in her throat, tears stinging her eyes. She focused on breathing, her fingertips turning white as she clasped the bin in her hand.
"Honey? What's wrong?"
Emma was unbelievably confused. She had no idea what had just happened. They'd just been teasing and now Regina looked terrified. Emma took a step forward but stopped when Regina jerked back and away from her.
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm staying over here," Emma said softly, her hands coming up to show she wasn't a threat. "I'm going to stay way over here, honey. Just take some deep breaths. You're okay."
Regina was looking at her, but Emma wasn't sure how much she was seeing her. Regina looked lost.
"Regina? Look at me, baby. I'm right here."
Emma took a few steps back, reaching for her coffee mug. She dumped the rest of the liquid down the sink, rinsing it out and filling it with water. She then placed it on the counter, between where she and Regina stood. Emma took a few steps back, pointing to the mug.
"Take a drink, Regina. I think you might be panicking. Just take a step forward and take a sip of water. You need to breathe, baby. You're okay."
Regina's eyes were wide with panic. She looked down at the mug, tears streaming down her cheeks.
"That's it. It's water. Take a drink, honey. You can do it."
Regina reached out with a shaky hand, bringing it to her lips and taking a big gulp, eyes looking past the mug to where Emma stood. She drank until it was empty, putting the mug back down on the counter. She started to come back to herself as the cool liquid made its way down to her stomach, suddenly realising she was still holding her garbage bin. She placed it on the floor, hands trembling.
"You okay?"
Regina took a deep breath, instantly bursting into tears. She took the few steps forward needed to close the distance between her and Emma, throwing herself into Emma's arms.
Emma caught her instantly, pulling her close, holding her as tightly as she could. Regina clung to her, holding onto her for dear life. Emma had never felt Regina's desperation in this way and it scared the shit out of her.
"Regina. I'm so sorry, baby. What's going on? Please talk to me. You're safe. I'm right here. I'm so sorry. Please tell me what's going on."
Emma had no idea what was happening, and she didn't know what to do. Regina didn't respond, instead sobbing harder into Emma's shoulder. Emma began babbling at her, gently stroking her back, hoping what she was saying was bringing Regina comfort.
"You're safe, baby. I promise, I'm right here. You're okay. No one is going to hurt you, okay? Whatever it is, you can tell me. I promise it's safe. Talk to me, sweetheart."
She pressed a soft kiss to Regina's temple, gently rocking her in place as she held her close. Her words drifted off, Emma unsure of what else to do.
"Keep talking," Regina begged, eyes closed tight as she clung to Emma.
"Okay. I'm sorry. I have no idea what just happened, sweetheart, but I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere, okay? You're safe here. I'll hold you as long as you need to be held, baby." Emma kissed her temple again, scrambling for things to say. "Uh, I'm- I'm sorry for whatever it is that just happened, for whatever I just did. I think I did something that upset you. But I want you to know it wasn't on purpose, okay?" Receiving no response, Emma kept going. "Um, I don't really know what else to say. I-I had planned to bring you out later, after breakfast. I had planned a surprise for you, since Henry is gonna be out for a little while. I don't know if you're gonna wanna leave the house now though, and it's okay if you don't. We can just stay here all day and I can hold you until you feel better. I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you. Well, I always think of you. I pretty much only think of you, actually. You're my favourite thing to look at and to think about. You're always on my mind. Pretty much all the time."
Emma cringed.
"I'm sorry. I'm thinking out loud now and that probably sounded really creepy, didn't it?"
Emma gave a small laugh of relief when she felt Regina give the tiniest of nods. It was a response, more than she'd been given thus far, and knowing that Regina was at least hearing her was a huge relief.
"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so awkward. I promise I'm not this weird in real life."
"Yes, you are," Regina murmured.
Emma laughed again, pressing soft kisses to Regina's cheek and temple.
"I am, but you picked me," Emma said, squeezing her affectionately. She rubbed up and down Regina's back, breathing a sigh of relief when she felt Regina slowly relax into her. "I'm sorry, Regina. I don't know what I did. But please, I never wanna do it again. What happened?"
Emma needed to know, so she could make sure to never do it again. Regina turned into Emma's neck, burying her face in the crook of it, tucking her body in the safety of Emma's embrace. Emma squeezed her close, holding her tight. Regina took a few deep breaths before speaking softly.
"You called me a very good girl," Regina swallowed against the bile rising once again in her throat.
"Okay..." Emma hesitated, unsure of the significance of those words. Obviously they meant something bad to Regina, but she didn't know what. Or why.
"Do you remember that night that I told you about, the one in which Danielle and I were discovered?"
"Yeah."
"We were discovered in my room, where Danielle was comforting me, after… After I'd been assaulted. He had brought me into a closet," Regina whispered. "He called me- he said the same thing to me."
Emma's stomach churned. She was going to lose her breakfast. Oh God. The only reason she didn't vomit on the spot was because she knew that she had to keep it together for Regina.
Emma took several long, slow breaths as she worked against the strong urge to empty the contents of her stomach.
"I'm sorry," Regina said softly.
"Christ, Regina," Emma immediately responded. "You have nothing to apologise for. I had no fucking idea but I swear to you that if I did, I would have never said anything close to that ever. Not in a million years. I am so sorry. I promise you, I'll never say that again. Ever."
Tears sprang to Emma's eyes as Regina hitched back a sob. God, she felt fucking horrible. Guilt consumed her, a knot forming in her throat at the knowledge that she'd accidentally caused such a visceral reaction in Regina.
Emma shifted when Regina moved in her arms, the woman leaning up to wrap her arms around Emma's neck, pulling them closer together. Emma wrapped her arms all the way around Regina's back, her hands closing over Regina's ribs and squeezing her close in apology. Emma buried her face in Regina's neck, wishing desperately that she could go back in time and never say those words.
"I didn't know I'd react so violently," Regina confessed. No one had said those words to her since that day, and they had brought her back instantly. She hadn't expected that. It was like she was seventeen again, petrified and back in that closet.
Emma stomach turned again. Her head was spinning. She had had no idea Regina had been assaulted. Raped? The tears that had built spilled down her cheeks.
"I'm so sorry, baby," Emma said sincerely, the guilt churning deep in her belly. "I had no idea."
"How would you? I never told you. I-I haven't told many people."
Emma squeezed her middle again.
"I'm so sorry, honey." Emma froze. Oh God. She'd called Regina honey. And baby. Was it the same? Oh, no. Was she making it worse? "Fuck. I'm sorry. I-"
Emma immediately stopped talking, freezing up and biting her tongue.
"No, Emma. Don't. Don't pull away," Regina begged, pulling back to look in Emma's eyes.
"I'm not going anywhere."
"You're overthinking. Please don't."
"I'm sorry. I just- I realised I'm calling you all these pet names, that I have been calling you all these pet names, and I don't know which ones…"
"They're okay. I like all of them. Except. Except that one."
Emma shook her head.
"I'm so sorry."
"Please don't stop calling me the other names," Regina pleaded. She so liked Emma calling her those terms of endearment.
"Okay. I won't, baby. That one's okay?"
Regina nodded.
"And honey?"
Another nod.
"Sweetheart?"
"I like that one a lot," Regina admitted.
"Sweetheart?" Another nod. "I didn't know you liked that one more."
"I do."
Emma's heart melted.
"My sweetheart," she repeated, kissing Regina's cheek.
Regina gave the smallest of smiles, Emma's heart fluttering as Regina started to come out of it.
"Come," Emma said gently, "Let's go to the living room. I want to hold you."
"I don't want to let you go."
"Let me carry you."
"No, I'm too-"
"I swear to God if you finish that sentence, I'll throw you over my shoulder and parade you down the street."
Regina gave a soft giggle, but made no move to comply.
"Jump up," Emma encouraged, her hands coming down to grip at the back of Regina's thighs.
Regina quickly moved backwards, jerking away from her. Seeing the fear on Regina's face made Emma immediately take a giant step back, arms held up to either side of her body, palms facing Regina, as she tried to convey through body language that she was not a threat.
"Oh God, I'm sorry, Regina," Emma immediately apologised, taking another step back from her. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have touched-"
"Wait," Regina said, taking a step forward and reaching for Emma's hand. "It's okay. I-I wasn't expecting to be touched. I didn't-"
"I'm so sorry, Regina. I shouldn't have touched you. Especially not after what you just told me."
Regina could see the all-consuming guilt on Emma's face, the tears of remorse in her eyes. She could hear the regret in her voice, and she knew Emma was incredibly sorry.
Regina shook her head. Emma had misunderstood. She knew that Emma was thinking that she didn't want to be touched because of what she'd just confessed, but it wasn't that. It was because she didn't want Emma to feel what she'd been hiding from her all this time…
Fuck.
They needed to talk. But first, she needed Emma to stop moving away from her.
"Emma. Stop."
Emma immediately froze. She held her breath when Regina approached her, hands flying behind her back when she was within her space.
"No, Emma. I'm sorry. You've misunderstood. I-I'm not frightened of your touch." Regina reached behind Emma's back and took her hands, placing them on her hips. "I… we need to talk, Emma. Please. Can we talk?"
"I'm sorry," Emma whispered, tears streaming down her face.
Regina reached up and wiped them away, cupping her cheek and looking deep into her eyes.
"I need to talk to you about something."
Emma nodded, leaning into her hand.
"Okay," she agreed.
"You've done nothing wrong, Emma. But I need to tell you something important."
Emma closed her eyes, guilt gnawing at her belly. The fear on Regina's face, in her eyes, played over and over in her mind.
"Hey," Regina said gently. "Look at me, darling."
Emma took a deep breath and opened her eyes, gaze immediately locking with Regina's.
"You've done nothing wrong."
"I feel like I have," Emma croaked.
"And that's my fault, Emma. I've been avoiding this conversation for so long, out of fear of your reaction. And now I've accidentally hurt you, through no fault of your own. Please, come sit with me in the living room?"
Emma slowly nodded, letting herself be led by Regina into the living room.
She sat, keeping her hands carefully in her lap.
Regina, seeing just how small Emma looked, bit hard on her lower lip. She waited, clawing at her mind, trying to think of what to say, of how to start the conversation. In the end, it was Emma who spoke first.
"You looked so scared when I was going to touch you. I'd never ever hurt you, Regina. Not on purpose. I swear to you. I'm sorry-"
"It's okay, Emma. I'm okay. You treat me so gently, so lovingly. You respect all of my boundaries. I know. Without a shadow of a doubt, darling, I know that you'd never hurt me like that."
"Then why…"
Regina reached out and took Emma's hand, squeezing it gently. She shifted closer to her, looking into her eyes.
"I need to tell you something. Something important. And it may- it may change how you feel about me. It may change your desire to-to be with me. And that's o-kay," Regina's voice broke, causing her to clear her throat before resuming, "and that's okay."
"What is it? Please, Regina. Please just tell me."
Regina stayed quiet for so long that Emma nearly startled when the woman started speaking.
"I've always been different, from the other girls. Always. In some ways that are obvious, like my skin colour, my hair, my accent. I didn't look like the other girls in my class. But I was also different in a way that wasn't obvious. In a way that I kept hidden. A secret. My mother would taunt me because of that difference, threaten to tell everyone, to expose me. I did everything I could to please her so that she wouldn't tell, because she told me no one would ever want to be near me if they knew…
"She called me the most disgusting, horrific names. She was merciless. And she used my secret to manipulate me, to ensure I'd obey her every wish. That I'd do anything and everything she wanted. I did anything she demanded, so that she'd never tell. And although she made my life hell, everything was okay. I- I was relatively happy in my bubble, with my friends, at my school. Until everything came unravelling one night when I turned seventeen. I was- I was assaulted that night, and my secret, the one I'd been hiding my whole life, everything was exposed that evening at a party."
Regina bit her lip, letting go of Emma's hand. She didn't want to feel Emma rip her hand away in disgust, if she did become… disgusted with her. She took a deep breath for courage, looking into Emma's eyes one last time before looking away and beginning to speak.
"I had started rebelling by that age, sneaking off at night to be with Danielle, disobeying my mother in small ways, but in ways I had never before dared because my mother frightened me so. I think the party my mother threw was a way to manipulate me. And I don't- I don't know if she planned for everything to happen the way that it did but I wouldn't be surprised if she did. Because she planned some things. She introduced me to the man who-who did it. And he said all these things. He knew about my secret. She told him and he said she-"
Regina shook her head, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. She wasn't making sense.
"He was one of my father's junior business associates. My mother introduced us; she told me he was single. She told him I was as well. I wasn't, of course, as I was with Danielle, but that relationship was a secret. Always a secret. So many secrets. My whole life was filled with secrets, especially when it came to my mother.
"And so my relationship with Danielle was also a secret. Although looking back, honestly, I think my mother either knew or heavily suspected." Regina swallowed hard before continuing. "And so she introduced me to this man. He was significantly older. Not yet my father's age. But. Older than I was by quite a few years. Old enough that even if I had wanted a man, I would have dismissed him simply due to the age gap. And he- he should have me as well, for the same reason."
"But he didn't," Emma stated, hoping to encourage her to continue when Regina went quiet.
"No," she whispered. "My mother wanted us to talk. She… she pushed him towards me."
Emma's stomach rolled.
"She- she wanted-" Regina's words faltered. "I soon learnt what she wanted. She'd hoped we would marry, eventually. Or so he told me. He told me that she had told him we would be perfect for one another. He was successful and was slowly making his way up in the business. He was wealthy and would only get wealthier with time. I was naïve though, and I didn't see her plan at first. I thought she was simply forcing me to interact with yet another of the guests at the party."
Regina spoke slowly, carefully, her hand periodically squeezing her knee as she told her story. Then her voice changed.
"And then he dragged me into a closet. I was so confused as to what was happening. He began telling me all about our future together, about what my mother and he had decided for me. And he- he began touching me. I was horrified. I froze. I didn't want that. I would never have wanted that. Any of it. And when I tried to leave, he wouldn't let me go. He said that he didn't care that I was different. He said he- he said he liked it," a knot of emotion and of disgust formed in the back of Regina's throat. "It happened there. He-he reached under my dress and he touched me. He told me that my mother told him all about it. And then he ripped my dress because he wanted to- he tried to- and he very nearly succeeded, another moment and- but Danielle found us. She… She was furious. I'd never seen her like that. She attacked him."
Good. Emma thought, hoping the girl caused serious damage.
"What happened next?"
"I was hysterical," Regina admitted. "Much happened."
Emma waited, but Regina didn't say anything more.
"And your mother?" Emma prodded gently. "Did she find out what happened?"
"She did. She… called me a whore."
"She what!"
Regina winced, Emma immediately reigning her rage back in when she realised Regina had completely tensed back up.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just- I can't believe it. I mean, I do believe it. I'm not saying I don't. I just- What the fuck."
Regina took a deep breath.
"She didn't believe it was anything but consensual."
"A seventeen year old child and a man in his what? Thirties?"
"Forties," Regina corrected softly.
Emma shook her head, disgusted. She didn't think it was possible to hate Cora Mills any more than she already did.
"She reprimanded me for throwing myself at him, as she put it. She wanted us to marry, but there was no way in heaven or hell that I ever would have agreed. Certainly not after what he did. Even if I had wanted a man, which I do not, did not, I never in a million years would have agreed.
"After it all, my mother kept me prisoner in the house, refusing to let me out until I agreed to marry him. I wouldn't, of course. I loved Danielle and I wanted to be with her. So, I stayed a prisoner until my father helped me escape, some weeks or months later. I don't know how much time passed. That whole time is… it's blurry."
Emma shook her head, seething.
"How the fuck do you face her, Regina?"
Regina lowered her head.
"Some days I ask myself the same question."
But she loved her father, so much. So much. Emma reached out and placed gentle fingers under her chin, tilting her head up so their eyes would meet.
"God, I admire the shit out of you, Regina. You are such a survivor and the bravest woman I know."
Regina buried her face in Emma's neck. She didn't feel very brave right now.
"I'm so proud of you. For everything you've survived. For the life you've built for yourself and for your son. You make me so fucking proud."
Regina pulled back after a moment, looking into Emma's eyes. She reached up and cupped her cheek, slowly moving forward to press a chaste kiss to Emma's lips.
"Thank you for being you, Emma."
"Thank you for trusting me and for opening up about your past."
Regina hesitated.
"There's still more, Emma."
Emma nodded.
"I know."
Regina took a deep breath, running her hands through her hair.
"Do you want to stop?" Emma offered.
"Yes," Regina gave an empty laugh. "But we can't. We need to keep going. I need to tell you…"
Regina curled up, unintentionally shifting away from Emma. She stopped talking. She stayed quiet, picking at the lint on her knee, trying desperately to work up the courage to speak to Emma. But God, she liked her so much. Wanted her so badly. Tears welled up in her eyes at the thought that Emma would be repulsed by her. That she'd hate her for leading her on.
"Is he…" Emma started, hesitating for a second before continuing, "is he the reason why you never want me near your pelvis?"
Regina's head snapped up, eyes locking with Emma's.
"You-" Regina stuttered shocked.
"I noticed. It's hard not to, sweetheart. You always pull away or shift your hips so we aren't touching there. I've tried hard to remember to stay away from that area. Tonight was an accident. I shouldn't have gotten so close."
Regina's heart was pumping hard in her chest. She needed to tell Emma.
"That's not- he's not the reason, Emma. I've- I'm… I'm different."
"You keep saying that."
Regina nodded, blinking away tears.
"It's why I… It's why I never want you to get close. I-I," Regina voice shook, her hands trembling in her lap. She buried them between her thighs, trying desperately to stop her shaking body.
God, it had not been this difficult to tell Mal. Why was it so difficult to tell Emma?
But she knew why. She knew exactly why.
"Hey," Emma said softly. "It's okay, honey. Just tell me."
Emma reached out her hand, offering it to Regina. Regina shook her head.
"You might not want to touch me."
"Why, baby? You act like you have leprosy or something."
Tears spilled down Regina's cheeks.
"They acted like I did."
"Who?"
"Everyone. When they found out."
"They acted like you had leprosy?"
Regina nodded.
"But you don't."
"No. I was ostracised."
"Because you're different."
"Yes."
"There?"
Regina squeezed her eyes shut, nodding.
"Okay," Emma said slowly. She was so confused. "Is it- do you have a disease or something?"
"No."
Emma chewed her bottom lip. It was obvious that Regina was struggling to tell her.
"Are you really a Barbie and there's nothing there?"
Regina gave a soft snort.
"I wish."
"You wish?" Emma asked, incredulous, but also a little teasing. "Why the hell would you want nothing there? You'd want something there, at least, like a vagina, or maybe a penis-"
The way Regina froze and looked down made Emma immediately halt her sentence.
"A penis," Emma repeated, her tone still just as light as it had been. And when Regina's lower lip trembled, Emma inched closer.
It made sense. It all made so much fucking sense.
"Sweetheart, is that why you don't want me near there? You have a penis?"
Regina's eyes snapped shut. She squeezed them closed, tightly. She couldn't bear to see the revulsion on Emma's face. But closing her eyes made things so much worse, because suddenly she could see the faces of the guests at her party, see the way they looked at her, hear their words. She began shaking again, and she couldn't help the sob that escaped her throat, convinced Emma would say those same words, would react the same way.
Emma didn't wait. She was sure she was right.
"Baby, it's okay. Please," Emma said, inching even closer. "Please, can I pull you in my arms? I promise it's okay. I want to hold you."
Regina sobbed harder, unable to formulate a single sound, but when she shifted towards her, Emma immediately reached out and yanked Regina into her arms. She pulled her close, wrapping her arms tightly around her, tucking the woman under her chin as Regina trembled in her arms.
"Baby, I don't care. It's okay, sweetheart. I promise you, it's okay. This changes nothing."
Regina, in sheer disbelief, turned to bury her face in Emma's neck. She sobbed loudly, wrapping her arms around Emma.
"I- I-" Regina tried so hard to speak. "I h-have-"
She couldn't get it out, instead pressing her mouth to Emma's shoulder.
"You have a penis," Emma said calmly.
Regina nodded, another wave of emotion causing her to cry even harder.
Emma rubbed Regina's back gently, rocking her slowly.
"Okay, my sweet girl. You have a penis. It's okay, baby. That doesn't change anything, love. At all. Have you been scared to tell me this all this time?"
Regina, through her cries, nodded.
"Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry."
What kind of horrific rejection had Regina faced for her to completely turn to shambles like this? Emma was devastated for her, the arm around her waist pulling her even closer as the fingers from her other hand moved up and into Regina's hair, cradling her head. She shifted Regina so that she could lean close, whispering in her ear.
"I don't care, Regina. I want you. I want all of you. You're beautiful, and you're perfect and I want all of you, every fucking piece of you, I want it. And that includes your penis."
Regina wept. She cried and she wept and she clung desperately to Emma. She had never in a million years expected Emma to accept her this way, so easily. It had been so long since someone had, and Regina had been so frightened. All she could do was sob. But Emma held her tight, held her close, and rocked her gently.
When Regina finally, finally stopped crying, Emma reached for the box of tissues and placed them next to her knee. It took a few minutes, but Regina eventually pulled away long enough to use several of them, tossing them onto the coffee table before turning back to Emma and hesitating.
Regina looked at Emma, frowning, searching her eyes. She couldn't understand how someone could just so easily accept her.
"I don't-" Regina's voice cracked, so she cleared her throat and tried again. "I don't have a vagina, Emma."
"I know."
"I don't want you to be disappointed. I… I should have told you sooner. In case you want-"
"I want you, Regina. I don't want anything else. I want you, I want your body, and I want this. I want us."
"I can't believe it. I can't believe you didn't… you aren't repulsed." Regina paused, suddenly worried. "Are you?"
Emma smiled reassuringly.
"I'm not repulsed, sweetheart. I like penises, remember? I like men. I like women. I like vaginas. I like penises. I meant it when I said I didn't care what was under someone's clothes."
Regina stared at Emma in awe for a moment before she darted forward and pressed their lips together, kissing her desperately. Emma reached up and cupped Regina's cheeks, kissing her reassuringly, in the way that she knew Regina needed in that moment.
"I'm not going anywhere," Emma whispered, when Regina finally pulled away from the kiss.
Regina tucked herself into Emma's embrace, closing her eyes and feeling at peace in a way she hadn't in… well, perhaps ever. Most of her secret was finally out, and Emma was still here. There was still more, that wasn't the entire story about what happened that night, with Mary Margaret and the rest of the town, and there was still a little more Emma needed to know about her, but the most important parts of the story were out now. Emma knew the truth about her difference, and most importantly, she accepted it.
"Will you hold me a little longer?" Regina asked, unable to keep the vulnerability out of her voice.
"I'll hold you until the end of time, sweetheart.."
Emma pulled Regina closer, placing a soft kiss on her head.
"I'll never let you go."
Regina sat quietly in the passenger seat as Emma drove them out of Storybrooke. She watched the scenery as it passed by, noting that while there was still quite a bit of snow on the ground, it almost appeared as though some the formerly high banks had receded some. They had had some warmer days these last few weeks, today being one of them, which gave Regina hope. It was still cold more than it wasn't, but she knew spring was coming and she looked forward to it.
Regina was feeling better since her talk with Emma, who had held her, talked to her, soothed her. She'd held her for hours, until Regina finally pulled away and said that she wanted to go out. She was feeling much calmer, lighter. Emma had successfully turned her mood around and had even made her laugh a few times. And after a couple of hours of cuddling, she felt renewed again. She wanted to go out with Emma, to do whatever she had planned. So they'd dressed and headed to the car and were now headed to some unknown place. Well, unknown to Regina.
"So, any guesses as to where I'm taking you?"
"To a secluded forest where I'll never be heard from again?"
"Please. If I'm going to murder you, I'm going to do it after you give me the code to the safe. You're not in danger yet."
Regina rolled her eyes, laughing. Emma laughed along with her before reaching over for her hand.
"Nah. If I murdered you, I'd never get the pleasure of kissing you again."
Sap. But Regina secretly liked it, a small smile forming on her lips.
"So? Guesses?"
"I'm not sure. You told me to wear ski pants, yet again, so I'm assuming we will be outdoors. I didn't see you pack any toboggans, so no sledding. Perhaps a walk?"
Emma smiled.
"Perhaps."
She drove them to the next town over, to the walking trail Ruby had shown her when she'd first arrived in Storybrooke. The main trail was maintained year round, and it held various parks, activities, and information boards along the way. Mini trails branched off the main one, though those were only maintained in the summer. Some trails contained stories at children's eye-level, plastered on small boards for them to read, the story progressing the further you walked down the given trail. Some trails were specifically designed to play hide and seek. Some had I Spy games. Some contained general information about local flora and fauna. Emma had fallen in love with the place, and she thought Regina might enjoy it too. The trails might be better when it wasn't winter, when there were actual leaves and vegetation to look at, but Emma was still certain they'd have a good time.
"We're here! I'm sure you've already come here but I thought maybe you'd like it."
"It's been a very long time since I've been here, and not since they've added the new trails. The last time I came here, only the main one existed," Regina explained, getting out of her car and following Emma to the front entrance.
"Then you're in for a treat."
Emma reached out for Regina's hand, but their mittens got in the way of holding hands properly. Emma frowned, pulling off her right mitten, then Regina's left, and intertwined their fingers. She then took her mitten and slipped it over their joined hands, smiling up at the other woman.
"Okay?"
Regina smiled softly. She'd never held hands with someone like this before, sharing a mitten. It felt intimate, and it warmed her to get to share this with Emma.
"Yes."
Emma pocketed the extra mitt and led the way.
"So, Ruby told me that in the fall, they added a dozen fake caterpillars in the trees, among the leaves, and you're supposed to try to find them."
"It's a bit like cheating doing this in the winter, isn't it?" Regina asked, indicating the barren branches.
Emma laughed.
"Maybe, but your eyes are old so it's probably good to play this game on easy mode."
Regina scoffed, smacking Emma's arm with her free hand, causing the woman to laugh loudly.
"And you were doing so well for a moment, Swan."
Emma grinned at her.
"Yeah? Good idea for a date?"
Regina smiled.
"Maybe."
Emma squeezed Regina's fingers, her belly fluttering at the answering squeeze.
"Do you come to this trail often?"
"Not as much in the winter. I've come a few times in the summer. There's lots of maintained trails to go to, so I kinda hopped between them. But this big one is nice in the winter months too. I noticed that they clear the snow from the equipment and stuff, so the kids can play on them even in the winter. That's kinda nice."
Regina hummed in agreement, looking around as they walked.
"We seem to be the only ones here."
"It's 21st Century America, Regina. No one goes outside anymore."
Regina rolled her eyes.
"Then what are we doing here?"
"Having fun. There's a caterpillar!" Emma exclaimed, pointing to the green plastic bug on a nearby tree. "Aren't you glad I'm here to help you spot them?"
"You can help me spot my hands around your neck if you'd like."
"Oh, kinky. What's my safeword?"
"If I'm doing it correctly, it won't matter."
"Ohh, dark." Emma chuckled. "How do you say caterpillar in Spanish?"
"Oruga. Una oruga."
"O-roo-gah. La oruga verde, uh, es en… el árbol."
"Está en el árbol."
Emma tsk-d.
"Freaggin' ser and estar. I can never get them right."
Regina let out a soft laugh.
"Many people struggle with the difference."
"You've explained it a million times. I still can't get it."
"Time, Emma. You're doing incredibly well. Eres una estudiante dedicada. You'll get it one day."
"Is my pronunciation better at least?"
"Much. I'm proud of you."
The smile that Emma sent her way caused Regina's heart to flutter in her chest. She looked so happy.
"Yeah?"
"Yes," Regina confirmed.
They continue to walk together until they reach an opening off the trail, leading to a park.
"Come play with me," Emma urged, tugging at Regina's hand.
"Emma…" Regina said hesitantly.
"I want to push you on one of the swings."
Snow covered the ground but the swing set was clear, as was most of the play structure. The majority of the snow had been cleared from the ground, packed around the playground like the walls of a fortress.
Regina followed Emma, excited but apprehensive. She wasn't good at this, at playing, but she wanted to be. And they were alone, after all. She allowed Emma to guide her to the swings, sitting down as instructed, taking back her mitten and placing it over her hand. She held tight to the chains of the swing, keeping her feet up as Emma pulled her back and pushed her hard. Her belly jumped as she moved higher and higher in the air, grin plastered on her face as Emma used all of her (considerable) strength to push Regina.
"Hold on tight, but tilt yourself back a little. Yeah, like that. A bit more. Okay, now look up, yes. Now close your eyes."
Regina did as she was told and a gasp fell from her lips, the feeling that she was soaring through the skies causing her eyes to fly open to ensure she was, in fact, still on the swingset. She closed her eyes again as Emma sent her flying back up, and a loud laugh tumbled from her lips.
"Emma!"
"Fun, right?"
Emma laughed at the pure euphoria on Regina's face, intense pleasure filling her as she watched the woman tilt back further, hair flying about, feet high in the air.
Regina swung and swung until her arms ached, only stopping because her face was cold and she could no longer hold herself up. She finally dragged her feet down to stop herself, closing her eyes as the dizziness settled. When she opened her eyes, Emma was standing above her, gripping the metal chains above her hands, smiling down at her.
"You look like you had fun."
Regina, grinning, simply said:
"Kiss me, Emma."
Emma bent down and pressed their lips together, chuckling against the cold nose pressed into her face. It didn't take long for Regina to warm up, that familiar tug of arousal from earlier returning as Emma kissed her gently. She pulled back before the kiss became too heated, looking up at the woman before her.
You make me so happy.
"You looked beautiful, smiling the way you were."
"Thank you for bringing me here."
Emma joined her on the swing next to her, the women gently pushing themselves back and forth as they talked. They stayed there for some time, until Emma suggested they continued their walk. It was Regina this time who removed their mitts and joined their hands, covering their interlaced fingers afterwards.
The women walked together, twin smiles on their faces, hand in hand until their fingers and toes and noses were numb. But they were together, and they were happy, so the cold didn't matter quite as much.