Chapter 19. Conversation
Author notes: Please don't drink and drive. In the comics Carol Danvers has a drinking problem. In this story, she has the same ability as Bucky and Winter to drink alcohol without it affecting her.
This was a mistake. Going out with Carol and a couple of other staff members was a mistake. Winter felt it in the car as they drove to the nearest town, to the bar where they were going to play pool. As he sat in the front seat while Carol drove, Winter tried all sorts of things that the psychologist who visited the compound told him to try to lessen his anxiety. He breathed, in for ten, out for ten. He thought of old movies he had watched with Peter, Star Wars and its sequels, trying to remember the names of the characters except he was distracted when he wondered why the Empire reminded him so much of HYDRA. Then he tapped his fingers to the music Carol was playing, some of it from some movie she loved called Top Gun, that he had tried watching but found the premise ridiculous. Certainly, if that Maverick character had been in HYDRA he would have been at least grounded for his insubordination, possibly even sanctioned, probably by him.
"You nervous?"
Her voice startled him. "No ... yes, maybe this isn't a good thing." He looked out the window. "What if I say something wrong and start a fight?"
The two men in back chuckled lightly, which didn't help. Carol grinned.
"You thinking of starting a fight?" she asked.
"What if someone ... hits on me?" It took him a moment to recollect the word that Peter used when he told him he was going out to play pool with Carol and some others. "I promised Noelle that I would not allow anyone to interfere with the bond she has with Barnes."
"If anyone hits on you, you just say you're not interested," she replied. "We'll be there. We'll back you up. We're just a group of friends grabbing a beer, playing some pool, and listening to some music for a couple of hours."
"But Peter said I'm hot and that could make some people persistent," added Winter. "I don't want it to get out of hand."
She shook her head and muttered. "I'm going to kill Parker when I see him." Glancing quickly at Winter, she recognized that he was really stressed. "Hey, it's very laid back. Like, I said, if anyone persists you can count on us to set them straight, okay?"
He nodded, his mouth suddenly feeling dry. Is this what Barnes experienced before he met Noelle? Winter tried to recollect the times when Barnes went out and interacted with people in a bar setting but it wasn't always clear as he had stayed so much in the background then, not wanting to spook his host and send him into a panic. The man tended to go to a little neighbourhood bar with no music, just quiet, unhappy people looking to drown their sorrows in a beer or something stronger. No one bothered anyone, no one spoke; they were there to drink.
The car entered the half full parking lot of the Unity Alehouse. As they walked inside several people called out to Carol and the other pair, Dan and Greg. They found a booth and slid in. A woman server came up to them, placing a large menu down.
"Hey, how's it going tonight? You guys are earlier than normal."
"Yeah, we have some early work tomorrow so have to leave at a decent time," said Carol. She gestured at Winter. "This is our friend, Winter. This is Angie. If we're busy and you have a problem, you call for Angie and she'll help you out. This is Winter's first time in a bar. He's led a sheltered life."
"I've been in a bar before," he stated. "Just not as myself."
Angie's eyebrows rose up slightly at Winter's contradictory comment. "Okay. What are you all drinking?"
"A jug of beer, just what's on tap," said Carol. "Winter, beer is okay?"
He nodded, looking nervously out at the other patrons. Dan and Greg ordered some shots, then went to set up a pool game. For a time, he watched them play, then turned Carol.
"That's pool? What is the purpose of the game?"
She looked. "They're playing eight ball. There are seven stripes and seven solids, all of them numbered, an 8 ball and a cue ball. After you claim which set of balls are yours, you use a cue stick to hit the cue ball into your balls, preferably in order, putting them in the pocket. If you do that successfully, you pocket the 8 ball and win the game. You lose a turn if you don't sink one of your balls and you lose the game if you sink the 8 ball early by accident. It involves some skill, as you can bank off the sides of the table to make your shot and often the cue ball is stuck behind other balls, so you don't have a straight line to the next shot. The really good players make the cue ball return to an advantageous position. The really really good players can make money playing it."
"I have some memories of Barnes playing it in his youth," said Winter, then he smiled slightly. "He kept it a secret from his mother."
Carol grinned. "He would. In those days pool halls weren't seen as a suitable environment for young people, or anyone, for that matter. These days, it's considered pretty tame although I guess in a shadier neighbourhood they wouldn't be."
The beer and shots came, and Carol poured out for all four of them, while Dan and Greg came and downed their shots then took their beer with them. She raised her glass to Winter and smiled when he drank with her. A sound of an arcade game in the back reached Winter's ears and he raised his head to look at it.
"There's an arcade along the back wall," said Carol. "In the 80s we called them pinball games but that's a specific type that involves manipulating a ball between some paddles that the player controls remotely with buttons. Nowadays, they call the newer ones arcade games because there are other types that involve computer generated interaction, using a weapon shaped input. Surely, you and Peter have played something similar on his Xbox or PlayStation. I know he's into those and they often have the arcade version of those games in places like this."
He nodded, taking another drink of his beer. "Yes, we have played. He is proficient at them, but I am better. I usually smoke his ass."
Carol almost spit up her beer as she laughed at that expression. "How do you like living with Peter?"
"He is a good man," answered Winter. "He answers many of my questions without delay or embarrassment, unless it is a question about sex. He is not inexperienced in that function but is uncomfortable talking about it."
"Yeah, people are like that," said the blond woman. "It's considered private in most company."
They were quiet for a time and sipped more beer. "Barnes is very skilled."
"Excuse me?"
"In sex. He is very skilled. What he learned from his previous liaisons before he was taken by HYDRA came back to him after the programming was undone."
"Okay, Winter ... I don't want to talk about Barnes sex life," stated Carol, emphatically. "First of all, he is someone I know and respect and to talk about it would be considered impolite, especially since his wife, Noelle, is our friend."
"Oh," he replied, disappointed. "I'm sorry. I could hear Dan and Greg and several others talking about their sex lives and thought in this environment it was acceptable."
She drank her beer, then nodded, as she realized how literal he took things. "Yeah. It is sort of acceptable to talk about your own sex life when you're looking to hook up with someone in a place like this, but you shouldn't talk about other people's sex lives. People still do but that doesn't make it right. Do you understand the difference?"
"I think so." He took another drink. "What else can we talk about?"
"Sports, the weather, movies, music ..." She thought for a moment. "Food, hobbies, cars, oh hell, just about anything other than sex, religion, or politics."
"Good to know, thank you." He drained his beer and poured another, then noticed the jug was low and raised it up so Angie saw. "That is correct protocol, is it not?"
"Sure, works for me," she answered, draining her beer and pouring the rest into her glass. "Let's go play pool before the tables get too busy."
Carol inserted some coins into another pool table to release the balls, racked them up, and claimed stripes when she downed the first ball on her break shot. Carefully, she played through the rest of her balls before sinking the 8 ball. Winter watched intently, standing at the side of the table with his pool cue upright. When he broke the next game and sank a striped ball, he claimed stripes, then went through, sinking the balls in numbered turn, before sinking the 8 ball. The next few games went back and forth between them as several people stopped to watch, impressed at their pool skills. Some people seemed to recognize them, and a couple even referred to Winter as Bucky Barnes, but Carol told him to ignore them, as it wasn't known that Bucky was missing.
They returned to the table after a while, sitting and drinking their beers. It was starting to get busier in the bar, and more individuals stopped by to say hi to Carol, as she was a semi-regular. Winter ignored them, then suddenly got up and went to the arcade wall, looking at the different games. He found a Halo game, inserted his money, picked up the gun and began to play. It took him about 30 seconds to master it and he continued to rack up points and extending his life on the game, drawing another small group who watched. When he finally became bored and deliberately ran out of lives, he returned the gun to its holder and approached one of the older pinball machines, attempting to parse the most efficient way to play it. Slipping some coins in he was soon setting the new high score on it.
"Pinball wizard, huh?" said a voice to his side.
He glanced, seeing another man there.
"I do not know the term," he replied. "I'm just playing pinball."
"You know, the song by The Who, then Elton John did it? It means you're good."
"I am good," said Winter, feeling a little crowded as the man edged closer. "It is not difficult to master the correct combinations of aiming the paddle at the optimum position of the metal ball as it approaches. There are also preferred moments to make sure the ball is in a hole, especially when the bonus light is on."
"Okay, you don't have to give me a lecture," said the man, looking at him strangely. "I was just giving you a compliment."
He turned away and Winter watched him, aware that the man had felt slighted in some way. Sighing, he allowed the ball he was playing to exit the playing area and left the game with two more balls on it as he didn't feel like playing it again. Sitting down across from Carol he frowned, then poured himself another beer.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"A man asked me a question and I answered truthfully but I don't think he liked my answer. He said he didn't want a lecture. All I did was explain the best way to play the pinball game."
"People don't like long explanations when they've only made a quick observation or asked a simple question," she answered. "It can make the person explaining look like they are showing off their knowledge. It's just how people are."
He nodded thoughtfully, then sipped his beer and stood up. "I shall go apologize and make him aware that I don't consider his knowledge lacking."
"No! No, sit down," she said, putting her hand out. "I've ordered some food. It should be here any moment."
When two large platters of chicken wings, vegetables, and dry ribs appeared, Dan and Greg joined them. As Winter listened to the other three talking about different subjects, he kept quiet, since he didn't personally know much about many things. Then the two other men talked about trying out one of the new rifles on the firing range and what they liked about it, he suddenly felt compelled to add his opinion on the topic. It felt satisfying, when they validated his opinion and added their own. Then Dan drank some of his beer and looked guardedly at Winter.
"Sergeant Barnes rarely opened up about his time as the Winter Soldier," he began. "I mean, we all know what he went through and hell, every man deserves to forget those moments but were there ever any times when you were permitted to enjoy yourself, you know, maybe as a reward?"
Winter finished a chicken wing, carefully wiped his mouth and fingers, then studied Dan for several long moments.
"Everything that was done to Barnes was done with a purpose in mind," he answered steadily. "It was psychological conditioning to make sure he never tried to escape, would always comply and would always put the needs of the mission above his own personal comforts. However, there were rare moments of kindness. Once, we were sent to a Greek island, to sanction a man, who had been identified as a threat to HYDRA. Our tactical suit was heavy, made up of several layers of leather, all black. In the heat of that island, it was almost unbearable, and we fainted, after climbing down from our position where we waited for two days for the target to make himself visible. We woke up in the early evening, under the shade of a large tree, our jacket off, and a wet cloth across our forehead and chest. As we struggled to sit up, the leader of the support team put his hand out and told us to stand down. Then he handed us a cold beer and ordered us to drink it. It was the best thing we ever tasted. He said we were in no rush and if we wished to disrobe to go for a swim it was permitted. One of the other men on the team objected, saying we would escape but the leader looked at us in such a way that we knew we wouldn't even try. We swam in those clear, calm waters for 30 minutes, feeling like a person again, instead of an asset. We returned to our base and the support team were sent to do other tasks while we were put back into cryosleep. A month later, we were brought out of cryosleep and given a new mission. The support team were the same, except for the man who had given us a beer and treated us like a human being. He was sanctioned for failure to follow protocol." He gazed at Dan again. "HYDRA didn't believe we worth giving rewards to because they didn't see us as human. We were only a tool, a weapon used to create chaos, sow fear, and eliminate enemies. Barnes likely has said little because those moments that weren't violent, were so few and far between, plus they always ended up costing someone their life."
It was a dampener to the evening and a short time later, Carol asked Winter if he wished to leave. He agreed. Dan and Greg stayed, deciding to take an Uber back. As Carol drove in silence, Winter breathed heavily then spoke.
"I don't think I will go there again. The pool game and pinball were mildly challenging but now that I've mastered them, I'm not sure they're enough to make a special trip. I did appreciate the conversation."
"That's fair. You weren't really comfortable there, were you?"
"No, it didn't feel right to me, trying to interact with strangers. Barnes would try but he often found it uncomfortable. Until he met Noelle, he was content to be on the outskirts of social situations, just observing. Before he fell in love, the only place he truly felt comfortable was in Delacroix with Sam Wilson's family. They accepted him at face value."
She breathed out a little. "I can understand that," she replied. "I was a woman in a man's field when I lost my memories and changed into a human-Kree hybrid. The Kree warriors were conquerors and not very nice, but they mostly treated me as an equal, except for lying to me. Still, when I began to have memories of my life on Earth, it felt more authentic and truer. I learned about friendship, kindness, and understanding when I embraced my human side. Every time I come back to Earth, it feels more and more like home."
Winter's face remained impassive as his face slipped between light and darkness from the light of the headlamps of oncoming cars. It was obvious to Carol that he missed Noelle and Winnie. They had both advocated for him from the start, accepting him as separate from Barnes. Noelle had accepted that Winter reacted to her physically but never changed how she treated him, always with kindness and understanding. Perhaps, they were dealing with his infatuation in the wrong way.
"May I ask you a personal question?" she asked, glancing at him.
"Yes."
"When you think of Noelle and Bucky together, are you jealous?"
"No, I am happy for them. They are meant to be together."
"What about when she talks with other men." She looked to see him frown a little. "Or interacts with other men in any way."
"No, she is her own person. Her interactions with all people are not my business." He shifted so that he was looking at her. "What is the nature of this line of questioning?"
"Bear with me," she answered. "Do you see Noelle as perfect? Nothing she does bothers you?"
"She is not perfect," stated Winter. "No one is. Her face is not overly symmetrical which is considered a flaw in personal beauty. She bites her nails when she gets anxious. There are memories of her snoring waking up Barnes but since I do not sleep with her, I cannot verify that as actually happening, since Barnes also snores."
A chuckle erupted from Carol's lips. Winter certainly was truthful. Pulling up to the compound she stopped at the gate to check in and advised the guard that Dan and Greg would be taking an Uber. Waved on she drove towards the parking area for shared vehicles. She stopped, put the car into park and turned it off, before turning towards the dark-haired man.
"Is Noelle your friend? Do you miss just hanging out with her and Winnie?"
"Yes, I miss reading Winnie bed-time stories. I miss helping to prepare dinner, and setting the table, watching a movie. I miss waving to them from across the common area when there is a gathering, and they are sitting with the families while I am sitting with my colleagues. I miss ..."
She put her hand on his arm. "I'm sure there are many more, but my point is that nothing of what you miss is romantic or sexual in nature, is it?"
He looked at his hands, contemplating Carol's words, before nodding. "No, although I admit to thinking of it at the start, when I first awakened, and of being together in a family sense, I never once thought of it becoming that since I realized my own love for her. It was a betrayal of my own mission to protect Barnes. It felt shameful to think that way about her, to insert myself into Barnes' role as husband, lover, and father. It still does."
"Can I ask you a hypothetical question?" He nodded. "Imagine we could bring Barnes back in a duplicate body, leaving you both as individuals with your own physical being. What would you do with yourself?"
"I do not quite understand your question."
"Would you seek out your own partner? Would you embrace your own humanity as an individual and make your own life? Or would you be content to sit in a corner and just observe life, believing that you can't be part of it."
It had been broached briefly before, with Sam. At the time, they weren't sure they would be able to bring Barnes back. Winter thought then he could take over Barnes' life until Sam reminded him that Noelle would always know he was alive. But if Barnes returned, whole and intact, in a body that functioned, leaving Winter in the original body, what would he do?
"I would seek out what Peter calls life experiences," he stated. "Travel to places that I only knew when I was a weapon and explore them as a visitor instead. I would listen to music and try to find what I liked. Since I was awakened many times over the years I heard more and there were tunes that appealed to me." He smiled. "Try more foods, from other places in the world. So far, I have liked many things, except creamed corn, tapioca, and porridge. Those are too much like what HYDRA fed me." He smiled at Carol. "I would seek out a companion; likely a woman, although I do not object to a relationship with a man if he was kind and understanding of my history."
"The next time you see the therapist, you tell her that," said Carol. "I wonder if when you realized you loved Noelle, you were worried about breaking the pact you made to protect Barnes. That made you panic; made you doubt yourself. Yes, you love her, and that love would guide you if you were a separate person, but they have a love that is based on not just desire, but acceptance, truthfulness and kindness. It's why what they have is so special and why we're trying to bring him back. You want them reunited, more than anything, right?"
"Yes, I want them to be together. She is his light as he is hers and always will be."
He opened the car door and got out, looking up at the moon briefly, as Carol went to the front of the car and waited for him. Impulsively, he hugged her; somehow the action felt right. It was if a burden had been lifted from his shoulders. Realizing that he could still love Noelle, but not act upon his feelings had been freeing. It was part of being human, of dealing with emotions. He couldn't run or hide from them, but he could accept them and move on.
The following morning Winter got up early and headed outside to where others congregated for a group run. Normally, he would run at top speed, on his own later in the day, but he was going to take his own advice and seek out more life experiences. If that meant becoming more comfortable with strangers, then he might as well start with a group that at least knew who he was. Several seemed surprised to see him there but once he started stretching, they returned their attention to their own preparations. No one was in charge, and no one said it was time to begin. It just seemed that when a couple stopped stretching and began running, that others stopped their own preparations and joined them. A flock of birds flew off from the trees as they began and Winter watched them as he ran, dipping and swirling in a mass from tree to tree, occasionally lifting high up into the sky, then diving down again in a process that was mesmerizing.
"It's called a murmuration," said a man's voice beside him. Winter looked, recognizing him as Jason Norris, an aircraft technician. "Starlings start doing it around this time of year. It's a beautiful looking phenomenon, but they are destructive birds. With harvest just over, they're here to forage the loose grain in the fields, competing with other bird species for the food source. Their numbers increase as more migrate from Canada. By December, the sky will be full of them."
"How do you know this?"
"Bird watching club," he said. "We go out on the weekends with binoculars and try to identify the different species, both local and those that are migrating. It's a great location for it. During Christmas we do the Christmas Bird Count to assess population trends in birds and to see how many different species are in the area on a specific day. We send our data to the Audubon Society. You should come out. With your visual and auditory skills, I bet you would be really good at it. We meet at 1 pm, outside the residence doors."
They ran together for some time before Winter answered.
"I think I will. Thank you for the invitation."
"You're welcome. Everyone's welcome, even kids. Excuse me, my wife is looking for me."
With a nod, Jason ran forward joining a dark-haired woman. Winter could have easily left the group then, running past all of them, alone, like he normally did, but he didn't. Somehow, he felt comfortable reining back his own abilities to stay as part of the group. There was a camaraderie that he felt with this assortment of technical staff and their spouses, that he previously felt when he was on mission with the Avengers. Except this feeling of togetherness wasn't tense or focused on attaining a military goal. It was just a group of people, out together, running for their health, or fitness, or just to be out on this cool but beautiful morning.
"How fast can you run?" asked another voice, a young woman, Amanda, who was a nurse in the medical centre. "We've asked Dr. Banner, but he says it's classified."
"I can sustain up to 40 miles per hour for about an hour as long as I am not carrying a heavy burden, but can do short bursts of up to 75 mph. Now that I've told you, I'll have to kill you."
He looked at her impassively, then she laughed. Smiling, he kept running at their pace.
"I'll keep your secret," she said. "Why are you out slumming with us normal humans?"
"Perhaps I sought the company," he answered. "It is enjoyable to run with others, especially when it is pleasant outside."
"I bet you've been out in some horrible conditions. I can only imagine."
"I have. This is much better. Why do you do it?"
"Same. Company, fresh air, plus I want someone to notice me." She gestured ahead to one of the new members of the security detail. She lowered her voice to a whisper. "He's hot."
Looking ahead to the man, Winter assessed the man's physical attributes. Having seen him in the locker room, he knew the man had an exceptional physique for a non-enhanced human. He was also quite humble and quiet in manner, not preening over his looks like some others on the same detail.
"Would you like to meet him?" he asked.
"You know him?" He nodded. "Yeah, just don't tell him I like him. God, that sounds so high school. I just don't want to be embarrassed if he already has a girlfriend, or maybe he's gay."
"Understood," he answered, then looked back at the man. "Corporal Charles!"
The man looked back, acknowledging Winter, then slowed a little to run beside him.
"Yes sir," he replied.
"I'm not your superior," admonished Winter. "I have no rank. I am part of the Avengers on the order of Director Fury. Winter is sufficient."
"Yes, si ... sorry, Winter. What can I do for you?"
"Have you ever been to the Unity Alehouse?"
"Um, no, that's the gay bar in town, right? I heard it's nice and I'll probably go there with a mixed group a couple of times, but I would probably take a date somewhere else."
Winter glanced at Amanda. Adam Charles was single and not gay.
"Forgive my manners. This is Amanda Osmond, a nurse in the medical centre. She is a colleague of Barnes' wife, Noelle. You haven't already met."
"No, not yet." He leaned forward. "Hi Amanda. I'm Adam."
"Hi," she replied. "How are you settling in?"
"I love it," he said. "It's always been a dream to be part of the Avengers and now here I am working with them on a daily basis. It's a beautiful facility and everyone is so friendly. How long have you been here?"
"Two years," she answered, leaning forward a little. "I feel the same. You know several of us make the trip to White Plains a couple of times a month. There's a really nice bar there, with dancing and great food. You're welcome to join us. We take turns being designated driver."
Winter shifted his position so that they were running beside each other, and not having to talk over him.
"Is it that White Plains Tap House?" She nodded. "I've heard it's nice. I'm off duty tonight. Are you going?"
She smiled. "Yeah, I am. Come with us. There's a space in the car."
He smiled back at her. "Yeah, I'd like that. What time?"
Winter dropped back some more and watched them interact, still listening to their conversation but giving them as much privacy as he could. Was it that easy to connect with someone? An introduction by a middle party, then just let something develop? As they approached the turn around point of the run, many of the runners stopped for a breather. He noticed Amanda and Adam were among them. Since he wasn't tired or felt the need to stop, he kept going but she looked at him as he passed and flashed a big smile, before waving. He raised his hand as well, then kept going. After arriving back at the compound, he stretched with the others who also chose to keep running, helping several who asked him for help in stretching their bodies just a little more. With a wave to them he entered the residential building, heading towards his quarters.
"Winter!" He saw Winnie running to him as she and Noelle approached. "Where were you?"
"I went for a run," he explained, kneeling down to her. "Thought I would try it and see if I enjoyed running with company."
"Did you?" Noelle looked at him knowingly.
"I did, actually. One of the runners invited me to join the bird watching club. They said children are welcome. Would you like to look for birds with me?"
She looked at her mother who nodded. "Only if you stay for dinner after you bring her back."
"What's on the menu?"
"I already have a beef stew going in the slow cooker," she answered. "I could bake some fresh buns and prepare a salad. I could be persuaded to bake an apple pie. Peter's already coming over."
"Then I accept, and Winnie will have a lot to tell you about the bird watching. I'll pick her up shortly before 1 pm."
He received a hug from Winnie, then smiled at Noelle. Resisting the urge to watch them as they walked towards the door to the outside, he kept walking to his quarters. He could do this; remain friends without expectation of anything more than a mutual respect. They were friends and no matter what his own personal feelings about her were, he wouldn't ever risk that friendship. As he entered the quarters he shared with Peter, he felt like he did the night before when he and Carol arrived at the compound. He felt lighter, as if a burden had risen from his shoulders but there was something else, something he hadn't been able to put a word to, before. For the first time, he knew he was happy.