CHAPTER 13: Everlasting Love?

In the afternoon, Naruto and Gaara were walking by the lakeside. Gaara was carrying his shoes in his hand, and let his bare feet leave a fleeting imprint on the soft sands.

They stopped admiring the view. Seagulls screeched in heaven's heights. Yellow hays swayed in unison as wind's fingers combed through them. Water was reflecting azure, and the sky got its color from the faraway space.

Gaara found a stick and drew some lines on the sand. Fleeting marks, gone by tomorrow.

"This is for you," he called to Naruto, and the blond came to look.

"This is a Seraph with six wings. It's an angel of fire. With two wings it flies, and the remaining four, it entwines around those who are lonely and cold. There are eyes on the wings that see the things we humans see with our heart. You have a kind spirit, Naruto, and you're like this Seraph."

Gaara smiled shortly, and Naruto just stared at the drawing in awe.

"This is the most amazing picture anyone has even drawn for me. Thank you," Naruto stuttered. "I'm speechless. I wish I could take it with me."

"All things in life are fleeting. All we need is to save them in our hearts, and they will travel with us," Gaara mused.

Large rocks rose above the waterline like teeth. Hopping on them one by one, they reached the rock farthest away from the shore. Moss had not had time to grip on the wave-caressed skin of the stones.

"Sometimes I think that my biological parents are birds flying over, checking on me, protecting me," Naruto told quietly, with a melancholic smile. "I like to think I have a connection with them, even if I never knew them. Growing up as an orphan, it soothed me to imagine that my parents were somehow there in the otherworld, guarding me, being proud of me."

"That's beautiful, and a bit sad as well," Gaara understood. "They'd be immensely proud of you, Naruto."

"I hope so," Naruto smiled, and gazed at the horizon. "I do love my foster-parents as well, but I could never tell them that I miss my biological ones."

"That's natural," Gaara knew. "They are kind people, I'm sure they would understand."

"I know. Even so, I find myself keeping this thing a secret from them. I don't want them to feel rejected. I don't want to lose them, or damage our relationship," Naruto explained. "They've done a huge deal for my well-being, paid for my degree, encouraged me, kept me safe, guided me… They've been amazing. Yet I still find myself thinking, what kind of a life I would've had, if my biological parents hadn't passed away."

"What kind of a life you wish you'd had, if you could make it possible just like that?" Gaara wondered.

Naruto smiled melancholically and gazed at the seagulls floating on the waves like buoys. "I wish I'd had siblings, and grandparents that could tell what my parents were like when they were kids. I wish I had had a large family, lots of aunts and uncles and cousins. I wish I knew my roots."

Gaara entwined his arm around Naruto and pulled him close.

Naruto closed his eyes. "I wish I didn't have this nagging feeling that I'm an outsider, that I don't belong. That I belong someplace else, but that place doesn't exist anymore, and I can never go back there. To feel accepted, I need to follow strict rules, and if I mess it up even once, I could lose it all."

Gaara squeezed him closer and caressed his arm.

"At work, I feel like an outcast, too. As if this feeling follows me no matter where I go. But when I talked with you on the first day of high school, Gaara, I felt like I had arrived home. I've never had that happen with anybody else."

Now Naruto was looking at Gaara intensely, like his life depended on it. "I can't bear to lose you, Gaara. You're my most precious person. Since day one."

Gaara glanced away, his eyes watery, feeling like something had stuck in his throat. He swallowed and gazed at the waters. Naruto took his hand and squeezed it.

"Hey, can you see that lonely willow in the middle of the meadow? Let's check it out," Naruto suggested.

With a short smile, Gaara followed suit.

Wind traveled through their skin and bones, and when Naruto jumped from rock to rock, Gaara could imagine yellow sparks of energy flying off him. It was a pleasant aura, and he felt drawn to it.

Under the willow, it felt like another world. The thick branches entwined a leafy roof between their heads and the heavens. They were alone in the world. No one else was in sight.

Gaara wondered if he should talk about the small round burn marks on his stomach and back. But the memory held no emotion for him, and he understood it was something people didn't want to hear about. It was just life, and everybody had their burdens. It was better to keep doors closed, so that no one would have to peek in and see the tragedy.

People didn't care. And Gaara didn't care, it was all trivial to him. Things just happened, and he had no connection to any of it. He was doing alright. He was thriving at work. He was blending in. But he couldn't let Naruto close. Maybe he couldn't have it all in life.

Under the tree, Naruto looked a bit pensive. "To be honest, Gaara… It caught me by surprise that you were dating someone, a guy, and didn't tell me."

"What would you have done with that information anyway?" Gaara shrugged and twiddled with a hay in his hands.

"Well, these are things that friends normally tell each other," Naruto pondered. "Were you scared that I'd judge you? For… for dating a guy?"

Gaara scrunched the hay into a little hay ball. "You never struck me as a judgmental guy, Naruto. Maybe that's why it was so easy to be your friend, all these years. I didn't tell you, because I didn't want that you'd start seeing me differently somehow."

"How would have seen you differently, then?" Naruto wondered. "Differently like, gay?"

"No, I didn't care about a thing like that," Gaara muttered, and threw the hay ball away. "It was just… I don't know, maybe I wasn't fully invested in the thing I had going on, and I didn't want you to think that my heart would be… unattainable, for you."

"Your… heart?" Naruto repeated.

"Yeah," Gaara said, and blushed a bit.

Naruto grinned. Quickly, he glanced around, only to see that there was no one else in the vast world around them. They were all alone, hidden under the vibrant foliage of the willow tree. With a smile, Naruto toppled over Gaara, and cupped his warm cheeks.

"You're a cute little sweetheart," Naruto murmured gently, adoring the innocent surprise in Gaara's vivid, jade eyes. "I wanna hug you all day and never let go."

"Then don't," Gaara whispered, with a small smile. "Don't ever let go."

Back at Gaara's house, evening was falling, and the two of them were together in Gaara's room. Kankuro was spending the night at Kiba's, so they had the house all for themselves.

They were listening to music on Naruto's phone. Silently, Gaara shuddered at the cheery pop melodies, but let it be. Naruto was all smiles, like the sun itself, and Gaara had no heart to flatten his mood.

A part of Gaara yearned closer to Naruto, but a part of him felt safer at keeping everyone at arm's length. As far as he was aware, his libido was divided at least in two parts: the feminine one, which caused him uncomfortable bodily dysphoria, and the submissive teenager, who sometimes felt like Vinnie, sometimes like Gaara's younger self. It didn't feel right, it didn't feel healthy, and it caused distress in his mind.

Surely Naruto would love to have a go with him again, but in his current state, Gaara couldn't imagine being romantically with anyone.

"Wanna play the memory game again?" Naruto asked with a carefree smile.

"Nah, it's kinda lame," Gaara passed. "Would you like reading books? We could discuss them, too."

With a sly smile, Naruto caressed Gaara's cheek, and pecked a small kiss on his lips. "You're super cute, did you know that?"

Gaara blushed. "I was only discussing. I had no idea…"

"That's why," Naruto grinned, and cupped Gaara's cheeks. "You're the cutest, sweetest, most desirable…"

They were kissing again, and Naruto's eagerness felt new. Determinedly, he was taking the lead, and when Gaara gazed at his eyes, the blue depths were swirling with desire. He wanted it, too, but his body felt impotent and disconnected. When Naruto's hand slid under his shirt again, Gaara closed his eyes and imagined it was his brother, and that he couldn't say no.

He imagined Naruto's hands were Kankuro's, and that he would have his way despite Gaara's opinion. Frenzy surged through Gaara's body, and he opened his eyes, gazing intensely at his friend.

"Please…" Gaara whispered in need, driving Naruto crazy. "I beg you…"

He didn't need to ask twice, as Naruto was all over him, like an octopus.

Afterwards, they were cuddling in the sheets.

"What if we moved to the city?" Naruto wondered.

Gaara clung to him in desperation. "I can't leave my brother. He needs me."

Naruto caressed his arm, wondering about the hound-dog-like behavior he had witnessed Kankuro exhibit.

"But your brother has a sweetheart now, maybe he will be looked after even without your constant presence?" Naruto suggested.

"No," Gaara shook his head. "He needs me. What if he needs me when I'm away?"

"He's an adult, and you are, too. To me, he looks pretty capable of leading a life of his own," Naruto tried with kindness. "Look, I know your brother is important to you, and I cherish that. I promise you that even if you lived in the city with me, you would still have your brother. It's not that far away, you could easily drive here whenever you felt like."

"But we only have one car… If I took it, then Kankuro would be left without," Gaara pondered.

"In the city our salaries would be better, and we could afford a car of our own. That way, your brother could keep the car you guys have now," Naruto suggested.

"Yeah, maybe," Gaara shrugged.

"Do you think your brother might be moving in with his sweetheart soon?" Naruto wondered.

Gaara's eyes widened, and he looked sad. Naruto noticed this and caressed his cheek.

"He gets along with Kiba pretty well. They might want to settle down together," Gaara admitted quietly. "Kiba knew how to console my moods. Maybe he's able to do it with Kankuro as well."

"I'm sure it's gonna be alright," Naruto kissed his forehead, and hugged him. "Sounds like your brother is in good hands."

"But what am I gonna do, if my brother doesn't need me anymore?" Gaara asked. "Mom and dad are long dead. If Kankuro is not there, who is gonna need me?"

"There, there," Naruto comforted. "You'll find a purpose and a role in life even in new situations. I know you, you're excellent at surviving."

"I am?" Gaara asked in a small voice.

"Yes," Naruto assured kindly. "You're good at many things, you might just not realize it yourself."

"Oh…" Gaara whispered and snuggled closer to his friend.

"I was offered a job in the city. My salary would be doubled. We could have a financially stable life together," Naruto said.

"Doubled?" Gaara repeated.

"Yeah. It's a tempting offer, isn't it? In the city, you and I would blend in more comfortably, than in here, if you know what I mean," Naruto explained.

The uncertainty was making Gaara anxious, and it was getting too uncomfortable to bear.

With a seductive gaze, he touched Naruto's cheek, and murmured. "Honey, I'm sure things will work out for all of us. Now, I need to go to the shower, and you should, too."

"I get it," Naruto smiled, but as Gaara got up from the bed, his gaze found the old cuts and burn marks again. "Gaara…"

The moment their eyes met, Gaara knew exactly what Naruto meant. "As I told you a moment ago, don't worry about it."

"But I do…" Naruto whispered, sad. "Did you do all this by yourself? There are marks on your back, too."

"I did. I had a moment. Now everything is alright. Stop asking," Gaara told, and headed to the shower.

But Naruto's sad gaze followed him until he was gone. With a heavy sigh, Naruto wondered how he could help.

After the shower, Gaara came back to the room, drying his hair. Naruto smiled at him, and hopped off the bed, heading to the shower as it was his turn.

With Naruto gone, Gaara sat down in his chair, and held his head. The marks on his skin awakened memories he had to suppress. The idea of Kankuro staying the night with Kiba made him angry, yet there was no safe way for him to express his anger, so he suppressed it as well. He wanted to forget them altogether, yet the image of them in bed kept haunting him. He didn't want to remember what had happened with Kiba on their last night, and he didn't want to remember Kankuro mocking him for being spineless and making him squirm like a worm. Desperately, he wanted to put these memories out of his consciousness, but they kept on coming back, evil as ever.

He willed himself to forget. But they just kept on coming at him. For some reason the pleasant dizziness didn't come this time, and despite praying for it, he didn't feel like being wrapped in cotton.

Naruto was still in the shower, and like a thief, Gaara sneaked to his drawer, and took out a bottle of ouzo, and mixed it up with some soda. By the time Naruto came back, Gaara was already on his fourth glass, and three cigarette ends were snuffed out on the ashtray.

"You really like to smoke inside," Naruto wondered, coughing, as he entered the room full of smoke. He sat down on the bed next to Gaara, but Gaara flinched and moved to the floor.

"Sorry, I need my bubble," Gaara explained apologetically, feeling the familiar anxiety rise its head again. He didn't have the guts to look Naruto in the eyes, as he feared his friend would be hurt by his odd behavior. He felt repulsed by closeness and having someone close to him felt unsafe.

He emptied his glass and poured another drink. "You want one, too?"

"Why not," Naruto shrugged, and in silence, they sipped their poor man's cocktails.

The images of what he and Kankuro had done together during the past years bombarded Gaara like sharp whips. If Naruto knew, he would be sickened and run away in disgust. Gaara would no longer be his little sweetheart, and he would be once again left alone with Kankuro's shadows. Shame and guilt drilled into his heart, making it bleed. He had voluntarily agreed to do the things with Kankuro, hadn't he? Even if he had been so young back then, he had known right from wrong. Even so, he had agreed to play the part, and Kankuro made up the rules for them. Gaara had been willing, he had participated, because only then would Kankuro accept him, and be his forever friend, his protector.

Always an outcast, he had had no friends at school, and the bullies gave him nightmares. Dad was on his way to inevitable suicide, mom was drinking herself away, and Temari had gotten a burning wish to move far, far away. Kankuro had promised to toughen him up, and teach him how to defend himself, so that the bullying would stop. With endless sympathy, Kankuro had taken him under his wing, and immensely grateful, Gaara had attached his trembling soul to him like a leech, vowing his everlasting loyalty and companionship.

Now in retrospect, he realized his brother had been grooming him back then.

Gaara had painedly followed along, ignoring the conflict it had caused in his psyche. Back then, he had been willing, even today he was willing, he was asking for it, begging. What he imagined to be an image of Vinnie, flared inside his mind, and his love for his brother blossomed strongly in his heart again. He was sick, and that's why mom had left him behind, and that's why he couldn't keep dad alive. But thankfully, Kankuro had been kind enough to accept him despite his revolting, sick nature.

Even so, the idea of Kankuro and Kiba together made Gaara want to drown.

Finally, the uncontrollable dizziness was taking over Gaara. Finally, he felt like being far away from it all. Guilt gnawed at him, as he realized he had his precious lover here tonight, and instead of spending quality time with him, he had gotten wasted.

Shame got him to drink some more, so burningly he wanted to escape. Hopefully tomorrow, he would not remember any of this, and the devilish images would be gone as well. He wished someone would hurt him, so that he would be distracted from the excruciating mental pain. He wished Naruto would burn his skin with cigs and make him squirm like a worm. Or strangle him with the charger cable and make him beg him to stop. He wished Naruto would do something unspeakable to him, so that it would overwrite the horrors he was battling within his mind.

A part of Gaara realized how this must look in Naruto's eyes. A man drunk to the point of paralysis, a stench of tobacco in a closed room. An evening that could've been special, was now a mute man lying on the floor, unreachable.

As morning came, Gaara crawled into the kitchen to fetch pain killers. Hands shaking, he managed to pop three of them into his mouth. Sunlight felt like a drill through his eyes, and the sound of running tap water felt like a breaking dam in his ears.

With wobbly legs, he made his way towards the bathroom, leaning on the wall with his hand along the way.

On his way, he saw Kankuro enter the house, and it was just a fleeting moment their gazes met. Gaara crouched into the bathroom, holding his head, and with shaking hands, managed to close the door behind him.

Kankuro stared at the bathroom door angrily and gritted his teeth. He dropped his duffel bag to the floor and strode towards the other rooms. He found Naruto in the kitchen, and without warning, gripped him by the chest.

"H-Hey," Naruto squeaked, eyes wide, in shock.

"You," Kankuro growled in a low, threatening voice. His dark eyes were filled with worry. "Explain. Now."

"E-Explain what?" Naruto stuttered, frightened.

Kankuro narrowed his eyes and gritted his teeth. "What did you do to him?!"

"Nothing, I—I swear," Naruto exclaimed in panic. "H-He got drunk last night, and n-now he's facing the aftermath of it."

"What did you do," Kankuro repeated, his grip on Naruto's front tightening.

"I—I did nothing. I had one glass too, but that's it. Gaara said he didn't want anyone close. So, I slept on the couch in the living room," Naruto stammered, shaking, as the brunet's homicidal stare was piercing him.

Naruto looked frightened but honest, and his blue eyes were watery and wide. Kankuro grabbed his chin and stared at him cruelly. "If I find out you've been lying, you won't have my mercy."

"I-I would never l-lie to you, Kankuro," Naruto stammered, shaking.

Kankuro evaluated him for a moment, and then released him. "Hmph. Alright, you seem truthful enough. I believe you, Naruto. I know you're a good kid."

"I promise," Naruto breathed, leaning on the wall behind him, frightened.

"Now, Naruto, I apologize if I scared you. You know how protective I am of my little brother. I only mean well. Please, be a darling and make us something edible. There should be ingredients in the cupboards. I'd really love it, if you could handle it today," Kankuro pleaded.

"Alright," Naruto nodded, making his way towards the fridge slowly, still in shock.

"Thanks," Kankuro said, and left the shaking blond in the kitchen, and headed to the bathroom.

Gaara startled as the bathroom door was thrown open. He clutched his ears on the floor, pain throbbing through his head. Kankuro closed the door behind him, and cradled Gaara in his arms gently.

"Shhh, it's alright," Kankuro cooed, smoothing down Gaara's hair. Gaara relaxed and leaned into the embrace.

"I'll always protect you, and keep you safe," Kankuro whispered, and kissed the top of his head. "You were a stupid boy, for getting intoxicated. Don't do that."

"Sorry," Gaara mumbled, eyes closed. "I just wanted to escape. I felt frightened."

"Hmm, I understand," Kankuro murmured, smoothing down his back. "You must find other ways to deal with it. You can't drink, not even one drop. You don't want to become a loser like mom, do you?"

"No…" Gaara agreed.

"You don't want to be a loser in Naruto's eyes, do you?" Kankuro went on.

"I don't want Naruto to hate me," Gaara mumbled quietly. "I don't want him to abandon me."

"If you keep on drinking like this, he will abandon you," Kankuro said sharply, and grabbed Gaara's chin, forcing him to look at him. "He will abandon you, if you won't change your manners. He's smart and could easily have someone better than you. For some reason he's decided to pay you attention, so be grateful. Do you think he hasn't already looked elsewhere? What must he think of you now, when you're shaking on the bathroom floor, like a weak worm?"

Tears filled Gaara's eyes, and he wanted to escape again. But Kankuro forced him to keep their eye contact.

"You're a weakling. Grow a spine. Stop drinking. Otherwise, Naruto will run away, just like Kiba."

"N-No…." Gaara cried, panicked. Kankuro pulled him into a motherly embrace.

"Now, now, nothing bad will happen, if you follow my advice. Don't screw this up, Gaara, this is the best thing in your life, and if you mess it up, nobody will want you ever again," Kankuro whispered. "You only have everything at stake here."

"O-Oh…" Gaara wailed in panic. "It's all doomed, then…"

"No, nothing is doomed yet. You'll just have to get a grip and be a real man. Stop this shit you're pulling at Naruto and go to the shower. Now," Kankuro ordered.

Hastily, Gaara began to discard his clothes.

Kankuro gazed sorrowfully at the cuts and burn marks on his bare skin. Gently, he caressed Gaara's naked back, and gave him a small kiss.

"I'm sorry. I know you're in pain, and it's partly my fault as well. I love you."

"I love you, too," Gaara whispered, and wobbled into the shower.

With a small, sad smile, Kankuro left.

After the three of them had gratefully eaten what Naruto had cooked for them, Gaara and Naruto went to Gaara's room. Naruto was packing his things, and he gazed at Gaara with that sad little smile again.

"I'll have to get going. I enjoyed spending time with you. We'll see again soon," Naruto promised.

Unemotionally, Gaara let him leave. It felt as if all his emotions had eroded his mind already, and nothing was left but a numb, barren ground.

At home, Naruto threw his bag in the corner of his bedroom and slumped on his bed. He covered his eyes with his hands and curled up into a small ball.

Kankuro's threats still echoed in his head, and he could feel his touch on his shirt as well. He had done nothing wrong to Gaara, yet he had ended up first on the suspect list when he least expected it. Naruto shivered, and wondered how he could balance a relationship with Gaara, when Kankuro was like a lioness guarding her pups.

He had been offered a better job in the city. His salary would be doubled, and the new office seemed to be a lot more open-minded and civilized, than his current one, and it had no ties to any religious communities. At the same time, his old high school sweetheart, Hinata Hyuga, had moved to the city as well. It felt like a nice idea, that he had a friend there, in the city.

Over the past months, they had been texting with each other. It was nothing serious, but they had coffee almost every week. She was a sweet girl, even after all these years. Naruto had decided that after all, he wanted children of his own, yet he understood that with a man, things like that would be slower to accomplish. His foster-parents didn't know of his orientation. None of them could know. If word got out, he would lose it all. Was it worth risking it all in the end? Losing everything he already had, in exchange for a life with Gaara and his overly protective brother?

He wondered again, what kind of a future they would have ahead. Gaara said he couldn't leave his brother, so they would have to live in this small, secluded town. Kankuro would apparently be a close-knit part of their lives, and it made Naruto fearful. He didn't want to leave Gaara behind, or alone with his brother, but then again, Gaara refused to part from his brother.

Then again, if Kankuro already had a sweetheart of his own, maybe it would be easier for Gaara to let go. But, for a long time already, he had been luring Gaara to the city, to no avail.

Naruto sighed. When he walked into his dreams, and looked around, he saw an office job, a steady income, kids, a safe household, and someone precious to share it with. For a long time, he had hoped that these dreams could be achievable with Gaara, but after the past times, he had begun to wonder.

If they had kids, would Gaara continue his reckless behavior? Would Gaara even want children, and if he did, what kind of a parent would he be? What kind of an uncle would Kankuro be?

Naruto groaned. He loved Gaara from the bottom of his heart, his mystique and wildness, his childlike joy and fiery passion. When it came to men, he wanted no one else.

But what kind of a future could they have?

With a trembling sigh, Naruto closed his eyes, and prayed.