I finally finished this chapter and the site was down. Go figure. This chapter gave me a lot of trouble. I'm still not completely happy with it, but it's done and that's all I got right now. Life has been a rollercoaster. I say 5 more chapters left.
Chapter 25: Little StepsSantana had been busy since the incident with Jasper and the fallout of that. She had been on a bit of a mission. Staying with her mom in the hotel room wasn't always fun. It was cramped and Santana was moody, but it was just the medicine she needed.
Her mother knew her enough to let her vent and safely let out her anger without blowing up and making it worse. That was what she needed. Maribel Lopez was a safe sounding board for her daughter's anger and sadness. She would happily take whatever Santana threw at her as long as it helped her though.
Santana had reached out to Rachel, but she knew Rachel wasn't really talking to anyone. The responses were minimal, but she was determined to help.
Kurt came by before he headed back to Ohio. He needed some time with his dad and away from Rachel and Shelby.
"It's a little suffocating in that house," he told her. "It's not them… It's just… Rachel as she is and Shelby longing… It's a lot."
"I bet."
"How are you doing? You're all healed up."
"Yeah. Like it never happened."
"But it did. You went through something too. Are you really doing ok?"
"Yeah… I'm not the one that killed a guy."
"But you were attacked. Both of you were."
"I'm ok, Kurt. I just wish I was the one who killed him, not Rachel. I think I would've been able to handle it better than her."
"Right because you're a real gang banger from Lima Heights Adjacent. It would have been hard for you too. I'm sure it's still hard for you, you just won't admit it."
She looked away from him, proving him right.
"I wish Jasper never came into our lives. Rachel trusted him, and he abused that trust. Now look at her. She's a mess and he's dead."
"Good riddance for that at least."
"It's just a mess, though. I wish neither of you had to go through that."
"Me too, Kurt."
"I… I've been to the apartment again. Even with everything cleaned up… It's hard to unsee all the blood."
Santana cringed.
"I wish I was there with you guys."
"I'm glad you weren't," Santana quickly said. "And I'm sure if she was talking, Rachel would say the same. He was a manipulative, abusive ass. I don't think he would have hesitated to kill you if it got Rachel to do what he wanted."
Kurt sighed.
"How are you really doing? Honestly this time."
"I'm managing. My mom's making me talk to somebody. I've already had my head shrunk twice and she scheduled me a bunch of appointments for the next few months already. Don't tell her, but it's nice to have her here for now."
"When does she go back?"
"She's staying another week. I know she wants me to come back to Ohio with her, but… I need to be here. I want to be here."
"Do you think… I mean… Will you be able to go back to the apartment? To live there after what happened?"
"I don't know Kurt. I definitely think it will be easier for me than Rachel, but… There was a moment when I thought she was the one who was stabbed. I was terrified. And then I realized what happened and I was terrified all over again for a different reason. I'll never forget the look on her face. It kind of feels like a movie I watched rather than something I lived through."
"I still wish I was there with you guys."
"Don't. I'm happy you weren't. I'm sure Rachel is too. He wanted to kill her. He wanted to use me to get to her… It was a mess, Kurt."
"I'm just sorry it happened. I don't know how to help Rachel. We share a room right now and, I swear, sometimes it's like she's not even there. She doesn't talk. Barely moves. I talk to her, but nothing."
"She doesn't know how to process everything. We still don't know how long he was in the apartment before I showed up. We don't know if anything happened."
"You think he… He raped her again?"
"At the very least, I think he tried."
"I saw her room after… The bed sheets were all wrinkled and unmade… There were things all over the floor."
Santana bit her lip. She hoped she arrived in time before Jasper was able to do anything like that again, but they couldn't be sure, and wouldn't be until Rachel said one way or another. She adamantly denied it at the hospital, but that didn't mean Jasper didn't try. In fact, she was sure he did try, just not sure how far he got.
"There are rumors at school," Kurt said.
Santana rolled her eyes.
"What are they saying now?"
"A lot of people think Rachel was the one that died… Especially since she hasn't been in school for a while."
"Well, they were dicks and asked her not to go."
"But she was a hot shot there and just disappeared after the scandal. People have just been talking about her a lot."
"Tell me what else they're saying," she said.
"Some people are saying she went off the deep end… Mental health issues… she snapped."
"Of course there's nothing about Jasper being the douche that he is."
"Well… There were a few people… A small group of upperclassman that… There were rumblings about a TA that was a little too hands on… They never mentioned him specifically, but it felt like they knew something."
"And you didn't ask about it?"
"San… I didn't want to just share what happened to Rachel. It's no one's business."
"Kurt. These people could help her see that it's not her fault."
Santana thought about Haley and Drea.
"I think it's my fault Kurt."
"What?"
"That he attacked her when he did."
"How could it be your fault?"
"I pissed him off."
"San… Just tell me. What happened?"
Santana explained that she didn't outright confront him, but that she went to the theater where he was working and talked to some of the women in the cast.
"There was a girl, Drea… We talked for a while and it wasn't the same as with Rachel, but he definitely took advantage of her too. I think he did it to a lot of people. I heard he was fired or on disciplinary leave or something. I don't know… But I'm sure he knew it was me and he took it out on Rachel."
"San, it's not your fault. You were trying to protect her – to fight for her."
"And look what happened. She ended up protecting me."
"You can't blame yourself for his actions. He was deranged and obsessed with her. That's not your fault."
"But I led him to act that night."
"And if it wasn't that night, it would have been another. He would have used anything as an excuse. He was torturing her and she didn't know how to ask for help. That's not on you."
"Don't blame her!"
"I'm not. I'm blaming him."
"This whole thing just sucks."
"I know. Maybe go see her while I'm away. It could help you both. Talk to her."
"Talk to a stone wall, great… I'm sure my therapist would love that."
"She's not a stone wall. She knows we're there and reacts sometimes. She just… Is a little lost right now, but you were there. Maybe that will help."
"We'll see. If you see B… Tell her I'm ok…"
"I will."
"I…"
"Santana, it's ok to feel whatever you're feeling, but it's not your fault and you went through something too."
"I know that… I'm just scared that he did something to her again."
"Her room was a mess… At the very least, I think he tried, but we won't know until she talks."
"Right…"
Santana sighed and took a long sip of her coffee. She hadn't been sleeping as well as she normally did.
"Do you think you could tell me the name of the students that Jasper worked with in the past… The other potential Rachels?"
"You think he did the same thing to all of them?"
"I don't know, but I don't think he went from 0 to stalker just like that."
Kurt nodded. "I'll text you all the names."
"Perfect."
"Are you going to talk to them?"
"I'm going to try. Maybe that will help Rachel… Knowing she's not alone and that she got rid of a monster."
"I want to help. Maybe you should wait until I come home."
"Maybe. I'm not going to do anything crazy, Kurt, but I gotta do something. Rachel saved me. She killed him… It wasn't to protect herself," she told him. "I could see it in her eyes. She did what she did to protect me from him…"
"She loves you."
Her head snapped to meet his eyes, and she scoffed.
"The two of you are so weird. If you both admitted you loved each other like sisters, you'd probably fight a lot less."
"Or more. I don't think you understand how some girls work."
He rolled his eyes. "Maybe. Maybe not. Tell me your plan. I'll help however I can."
Santana didn't necessarily have a plan. That wasn't really how she operated. Generally, an idea came to her, she followed up by figuring out the basics, and then she executed, going with the flow. Sometimes it worked out, sometimes the plan changed and morphed, but in the end, it usually got her where she needed to be.
For this, though, she didn't really have a plan beyond learning any information that she could use to help Rachel. She had to find some way to make things up to her or at least pay her back for saving her life.
Feeling ready to get out into the world, the next day, while Kurt was gallivanting about Lima, Santana was walking around the NYADA campus.
"Jesus…" Santana muttered to herself, shaking her head.
News had spread around campus. That much was clear, but the rumor mill was a mess. There were rumors that Rachel had died, not Jasper, that she killed herself after the nude picture leak and that was why she had all but disappeared. Rachel couldn't say those dark thoughts hadn't crossed her mind. But, while she might've had fleeting thoughts about everything being easier if she were dead, she didn't really want to die. Suicide wasn't in her plans. She just didn't know what her plans were.
The rumor mill, though, also brought out a few allies. Santana and, later, Kurt, on a quest to help Rachel, paid attention to those few. Most leads turned out to be nothing and the two did what they could to dispel rumors without talking about what actually happened. About a week after Kurt returned to New York and Maribel headed back to Ohio, the two found themselves back at the apartment.
"I don't know if I want to stay here anymore," Santana said. "It feels weird."
"Do you think we can find another place we can afford that has as much space?"
"Maybe? Probably not. But do you really think Rachel is going to want to live here anymore."
"I don't know… She is talking now, though… Have you gone to talk to her yet?"
Looking ashamed, she muttered, "No…"
"Santana! Come on. You said you would."
"I've texted her. Same thing."
"It's not. Besides, Shelby said you can stay at her place too if you want… At least for a bit. I told her we're trying to figure out the living situation and were unsure about the apartment. She understood and said we were all welcome there."
"I'm sure she really meant it…"
Santana rolled her eyes.
"She did because we can be there for Rachel."
"Whatever. Let's just spend the day going over things and see how we feel later. I'm not sure about anything right now. This is the first time I've been here since it happened…"
"The blood is gone," Kurt said.
"Yeah, but the memories aren't."
"I'm sorry."
"Please stop saying that."
He stopped himself from apologizing again.
"Want to hang out in my room?"
"Yeah…"
The two hunkered down in his room and went over everything they learned. There were a few people that they couldn't get in touch with and one that seemed to have disappeared from the school. It was a long process, but they hoped it would be fruitful.
Meanwhile, Rachel was in therapy… More therapy. She was finally speaking and no one was taking that for granted or letting that slip away, so she was tossed onto Dr. Freedman's couch as soon as they could get her in.
"Hi Rachel."
"Hi Dr. Freedman."
The doctor smiled.
"How are you doing today?"
Rachel shrugged.
"I'm happy to hear your voice again. It's been a little while. So why don't we start there? Can you tell me why you felt you couldn't talk?"
"I…" Didn't have an answer… "I don't know."
"We have a rule about 'I don't know,' Rachel. Even if you're unsure, you need to try and discern something you're feeling."
"I… was overwhelmed," she said.
"Overwhelmed. Ok. We have a name for it. That's a good start."
Again, she shrugged. Saying she was overwhelmed wasn't untrue, but it didn't feel true either. Overwhelmed didn't begin to cover what she was feeling at the time and even now.
"Let's dive into that a bit more," Dr. Freedman encouraged.
"I don't really know what to say. I just… Felt like I couldn't talk. I was processing."
"Processing which part?"
"I murdered someone."
"No. Stop there. Let's reframe that. You didn't murder him, you protected yourself and your friend."
"I killed someone."
"Yes, you did."
"How is that not murder?"
"Rachel, yes, a man is dead…"
"I killed him…"
"You did, but there's a difference between premeditated murder or the intention to murder versus protecting yourself in a way that leads to a death."
"That's semantics. Murder is murder."
"Would you feel that way if Santana was the one that killed him to protect the two of you?"
Rachel stilled. She didn't have an answer for that because she couldn't bring herself to really face the facts. She wanted to believe that she would be there for Santana and support her as best she could, constantly telling her it wasn't her fault… But she also knew how she was feeling right now. The two things didn't mesh.
"I don't know. I don't know how I'd feel if the situation was different."
"Ok. Maybe that's something for you to think about."
She nodded.
Dr. Freedman and Rachel spent a lot of time talking around what they needed to get to. The doctor didn't want to scare Rachel off, but needed to get to the heart of the issue. It would come soon enough. They had plenty to talk about.
"How are things going with Shelby?"
"They're ok."
"Ok?"
"Yeah… It's weird, but not as weird as I thought it would be staying with her."
"You know, Rachel, your first few days there, while you were feeling overwhelmed and trapped in your thoughts, Shelby called me."
"What? About me? Did you tell her things?"
"No. Rachel, she was worried about you. She told me that your fathers and she talked a lot about what was best for you. With your fathers' divorce and animosity, they all thought she would provide more stability and support for you. But she was worried that she was making things worse for you."
"Should you be telling me what you talked about with her? Isn't that a breach of ethics? Patient confidentiality and all that?"
"She's not my patient. You are."
"My past with Shelby is complicated," Rachel told her. "It's not always easy being around her."
Dr. Freedman made note of that and would definitely dive deeper into that at a later date. For now, they were broaching big topics and seeing what came of it.
"But you've been getting along now?"
"I haven't been talking much. It's easy to get along with me when I don't speak, isn't it?"
"I daresay that's true for everyone."
"Shelby hurt me a lot in the past. She made it very clear that she may be my biological mother, but she's not a mom to me. It's just been… I don't know, a little confusing… She's trying to take care of me and… It's just confusing."
"I think it's important to understand what you want from your relationship with Shelby. Do you want her to be your mother? Or a friend? That's up to you and something you need to define."
"I haven't given it much thought lately. I just know that she has been trying and that hasn't gone unnoticed, but it also feels a little too late."
"At one point, you wanted a relationship with her, right?"
"Yeah, but then I learned that she basically manipulated me into meeting her only to tell me she didn't want me. I was a mess after, more so than most know. My dads threatened to move in my therapist."
Dr. Freedman let her talk, occasionally adding a thought or question to help things along.
"Her parents are wonderful though. They're the grandparents I've always wanted. I only ever had my Nana."
"Sounds like you've forged a relationship with them that you value and don't want to lose."
She shrugged.
"I guess."
"What about Beth? How have things been with her?"
"I don't have a problem with Beth. She's a sweet girl," Rachel said a little defensively.
The more they talked about Shelby, the more Freedman could see that Rachel was clamming up and there was still another major topic they needed to get to, so she steered the conversation elsewhere, lightening it up before the heavy hit landed.
"Alright Rachel. We have a little time left. I think it's time we discussed that thing you've been avoiding."
Rachel looked down, suddenly finding her flats quite interesting.
"What happened that night, Rachel?"
"You know what happened," she said, anxiously picking at a hangnail.
"No, I know the basics. I know what your parents and friends told me, but I haven't heard it from you."
"Didn't we already talk about that? Isn't that like a conflict of interest? Talking to my friends and family?"
"No. As I said, you're my patient. I didn't divulge anything we discussed or your care beyond addressing the immediate concern with your mutism. They were giving me information I needed to help you. I didn't tell them anything. Now, deflection averted…"
"I don't want to talk about it."
Freedman watched as Rachel dug her nails into her thigh, practically tearing the fabric of her pants.
"Why don't we start with the lead up? We know how the night ended, but how did it start? Where were you that day before going home?"
Rachel sighed, but described the day up to the point that she showed up at the apartment and was ambushed.
She hated thinking about it almost as much as she hated thinking about that cold December night when he first ruined her life.
"Rachel, did he rape you again?"
She bit her lip and blinked back tears.
"No," she whispered, "But he tried. He… He touched me and he would have done more but Santana showed up. I fought him for a while… But I… I just gave up. I gave up…"
She broke down, crying. She was ashamed. As much as she tried not to, she vividly remembered those moments with him. He was going to rape her again. She knew it. At first, she fought, but then she just let go… He could do it and kill her and she would be at peace. She wouldn't have had to worry about anything anymore. She didn't have a death wish and she wasn't looking to die, but if it happened, she wasn't going to stop it.
And she was ashamed of her thinking, ashamed that she was going to just let it happen…
"I didn't want it," she muttered.
"It's ok, Rachel. You're ok. He's gone and can't hurt you anymore."
It took a moment for Rachel to catch her breath and be able to speak again. Once the tears died down, she said, "Yes he can. Don't you see? He hurts me every time I think about him. And now I have to live with the fact that I killed him. None of this will ever be over."
"It might feel like that now, but you've already made huge steps by just talking about it. You're going to be just fine, Rachel. I believe that. You need to believe that too. We'll get you there."
"I don't know about that."
She sniffled and wiped away the remaining tears.
"We're going to work on it, Rachel. In the meantime, try to get back to journalling. I'd also like you to think about some things to discuss at our next session."
"Homework?"
"Homework," Dr. Freedman confirmed. "I want you to think about what you want next – not only with school and your career, but with Shelby and your family. You don't have to have all the details mapped out, but come prepared to discuss it."
Rachel shrugged.
"Fine."
"How are you feeling, Rachel?"
"Like I've been hit by a bus… Emotionally and physically."
"Ah, the joys of healing."
"It sucks."
"I know, but you're doing the work. That's what counts. There will be good days and bad, but you're going to get through them."
"I guess."
"Rachel, don't sell yourself short. You've already come so far. Now you're talking again, we can dive in and do the work. A few months ago, you couldn't even talk about what happened to you."
"I still don't talk about it."
"But you do, here at least. You can tell everyone else you're fine – though I don't recommend lying – but as long as you're honest here, we're going to get you through it."
"I hope you're right. Right now I just feel… empty… and full… and a mess."
"A lot of complicated and conflicting emotions. We'll pick up with that next time."
"See you in a few days," Rachel said, grabbing her bag.
"It may not feel like it, Rachel, but you're doing alright."
"Remind me again next time."
"Will do."
Rachel gingerly made her way out of the office. It took a whole lot of convincing to get Shelby and Kurt to let Rachel venture off to her appointment on her own. Of course, that came after a lot of convincing that she didn't need at home visits with her therapist when she was capable of leaving the house.
Physically, she was still in some pain, but she could walk better and further and could take a cab if needed. She just needed some alone time. She needed to feel independent. She needed to feel less stuck. She told them as much, just in lesser words.
It was her first step on her own without someone there to coddle her and try to protect her… even from herself. It was what she needed. She was thankful they listened and let her go without too much fight.
That didn't mean she still wasn't airing on the side of precaution, maybe even hypervigilance. She looked for danger everywhere she went. Jasper may be dead, but that didn't mean danger disappeared from the world. There were still his friends that she had to look out for, still those people that helped spread those photos of her.
Just thinking about that, realizing that there could be people out there upset with her for killing him made her move a little faster and put her a little more on edge. Now she was looking over her shoulder a bit more and switching the side of the street she walked on when there were men on the sidewalk.
"I'm a mess," she whispered to herself.
Though she was happy when she turned the corner onto Shelby's street. She was a little less happy when she noticed Kurt and Santana congregating on the porch. She just had an emotional therapy session. She didn't need any more emotionally charged feelings circles.
"Rachel, hi," Santana greeted as she looked over her friend, jumping up from the steps as soon as she saw Rachel approach.
It was a bit awkward really. It shouldn't have been, but it was, and maybe that wasn't totally unexpected, but it was unusual. It didn't help that there were still signs of injury on Rachel that sent a weird, angry flutter through her body. She hated it. She hated all of it.
"Hi."
Tentatively, Santana asked, "How are you?"
"Doing ok. You?"
"I'm good, thanks."
They were acting like they hadn't been friends for years, like there wasn't a ton of baggage and drama and love between them. Kurt couldn't stand it.
"Oh-kay," Kurt interrupted. "Now that you two strangers are reacquainted… Rachel, we have something we want to show you. Are you up for a little walk?"
"What? No. I just got back."
"Are you tired? I promise it will be worth it."
"I… I'd have to tell Shelby. She's been on my case. She needs to know where I'm going."
"Good thing she already does."
"What?"
"Yeah, we told her exactly where we'd be and what we would be doing."
"So you'll tell her, but you don't seem to want to tell me?"
"Come on, Rach. I promise, it will be good."
She huffed.
"Fine."
"Great. Let's go."
With a heavy sigh, Rachel allowed them to lead the way, vigilance back on high alert. Santana and Kurt had something in store that they truly thought would help Rachel find some kind of peace. They could tell as they caught her looking around that this little operation couldn't have come at a better time.
Rachel was still hurting physically and emotionally. It was hard to understand herself when she realized she was capable of such violence, but this, they thought, would really allow her to start the healing process.
At the very least, it should help her feel less alone.