Chapter 4: Improvements and Unfortunate Rewards
Monday was approaching and Sora was still fucked.
To be more accurate, it was technically Monday already. He was up at an inhumane hour and his brain wouldn't shut the fuck up long enough for sleep to embrace him.
Despite this, he wasn't entirely miserable. One thing Sora could confidently say from the aforementioned Summer of Doom was that he could really thrive under pressure with the right mixture of experiences.
Now he had to recreate them in his mind. First, he had to become a knight. That persona took priority because protecting a prince always took priority regardless of emotions.
A few layers below was the tenderness, the love. But subtle, always hidden within a mask of protection and outward expressions of duty (as dutiful as it could be to fall in love with one's charge. Very professional that).
The only way he could stave off Roxas' impending wrath and torment was to ace practice today. Zexion was definitely going to have them go over a scene where he was heavily involved.
So, like a demented dead man walking, Sora played through and went over his lines. He then fought like hell for four hours of sleep and rushed to school on nothing but fumes of anger and caffeine to boot.
But he was ready. He could do this.
He couldn't fucking do this. He was sweating up a storm and Zexion was taking so many notes he wondered if the man would run out of paper.
And this was just for the small scenes. He was about to be up with Roxas and with how the day was going, Zexion could pull from anywhere.
Kairi offered him some grace, reaching over and gripping his hand in a gentle show of support. They'd been friends since middle school (similar to R—no, not going there), and her red, shoulder-length hair contrasted well with her violet eyes that were full of concern.
Sora squeezed back, gave her his best smile under the circumstances, and then he centered his breath.
Then he transformed. Sora wasn't here. He was a knight and his name was of no importance.
Protect Roxas. That's all that matters. Nothing else.
Not my body, not my life, not my heart. Only service to him. Keep him safe.
He had this on repeat, mentally chanting, and when Zexion called he stood slowly and pulled out a long wooden sword from his bag.
Sure, a prop might have been cheating, but there were no rules against using aids in practice. And Sora desperately needed them.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw Riku stiffen in the back. He pocketed this reaction in the back of his mind as he walked to the front of the class.
Roxas was away standing, wearing a plastic golden crown and a scowl (as par for the course). Then his eyes flashed as his gaze shifted to Sora's wide sword.
Was that… a smile? No, it was way too small to be that. But Roxas did look pleased to see his prop. That had to be a good thing, right?
Well, as long as he's not mad.
Focus. You're not Sora.
Zexion called out the scene number, not even bothering to glance their way. This is how Sora knew he was on thin ice. It was up to him to gain the teacher's attention by not fucking it up like last week.
So he stood a few paces away from Roxas, back turned towards him, and faced the class. He had his sword placed in front of him, both hands on the hilt as if he were going to shove the blade into the ground in front of him. He closed his eyes and took in a weighty breath.
It was as much to calm his nerves as it was to remain in character. He was a trained combatant, a former assassin that the King happened to take pity on when he found out Sora had been sold into the service.
He was a child soldier who gained so much respect and favor that he was trusted with the King's son. That was who he was!
"What's troubling you, Eros?"
Roxas' voice was so soft, so unassuming and pure, that Sora knew if he hadn't had his eyes closed he wouldn't have recognized him. The anger was completely drained away from the response.
Hiding his discomfort at hearing Roxas sound anything close to that, Sora channeled his character, opening his eyes slowly to glance at Roxas. Just a slight tilt of the head. "It's rather late, my liege. May I suggest escorting you back to your chambers?"
Roxas' frown was small, petulant. It quickly disappeared and he crossed his arms. "I'm not a kid anymore. I can walk in my garden."
"You can in the daylight when the kingdom isn't at rest. When there is less disarray." Sora gave him a single nod. "Must I remind you that the King's illness has added many complications in maintaining security? This is for the best."
Roxas looked away. The man actually looked guilty. "You always do this. When are you going to trust me?"
Sora turned to fully face his partner. This was the part where he'd normally get anxious and chicken out of the scene. He could feel the tension in the air, the barely suppressed bated breaths from his class as the weight came crashing down on his shoulders.
So heavy. But that's normal. Such is my burden. I have to protect him. I need to make him understand.
Sora straightened up, walking closer to Roxas with determination and purpose. He wouldn't be able to persuade Roxas with facts. This called for a personal touch.
Roxas was so still, like perfect porcelain. His cheeks were rosy, his lips were pink with spots of red (from biting down on his bottom lip? A bad habit? Or in character?), and his eyes…
Longing. Hope. Desire. So many emotions racing through, pouring out.
Sora allowed himself to sink into those eyes, to utilize the feelings of unrequited love, lust, and a hint of fear. The frustration of having what you want in front of you but being unable to act on it.
"My prince," Sora whispered. He was so close now, did the script say to get this close?
Roxas looked… pretty. There was no denying how attractive his costar was, not from this distance. He needed to use that.
Sora could hardly hold in the lines. He just hoped his improvisations would guide him forward. With a single hand, he touched Roxas' shoulder, then he let his hand flow with the emotion.
His fingers trailed down Roxas' arm with love. He brought them back up with sadness, and then let the tip of his fingers skim along Roxas' neck before settling his hand on Roxas' cheek.
Sora had to keep himself from shaking. He could feel his own face heating up. But when he spoke it was strong, a deep baritone that carried the weight of so many promises. Promises he couldn't keep. "Eric, I've always trusted you. Do you trust me?"
It was such a simple line. Normally, almost forgetting a statement like this would have tripped Sora up. But he was fully engrossed now.
It helped that Roxas played into his additions. Leaning into his touch, blinking slowly in a way that showed off his long eyelashes, mouth parting. Roxas' gaze briefly danced a little below his eye level before snapping back up.
Was he staring at my lips?
God, I shouldn't. I can't.
But I hope he was.
Roxas stayed silent, as if in a trance. Sora couldn't help but be impressed with how Roxas came across. Regal, but also so young and impressionable, a force to be guided.
But also distracted by emotion. Emotions that were forbidden. "Do you trust me?"
"Yes." Roxas' response was quick. Almost curt. He blushed as if he had been caught doing something unsavory. "You know I do."
Sora rewarded his prince in the best way he knew how. Something tangible, physical, that couldn't be lost or taken away, as the King often would.
So he leaned forward and kissed Roxas on the top of his head, pressing into golden blond tresses, right at the edge of Roxas' hairline. He then tilted his head down slightly, to connect them, foreheads touching, heavy breaths mixing. "Let me walk you back."
"Okay." Roxas sounded unsteady and resigned. A contrast to the surly man he knew.
It was a strange thought, but Sora couldn't help wondering what his life would be like if Roxas was always this agreeable. If more kindness could be blended in with the obsessive acting and even more unstable attitude.
But this Roxas? He was discovering the world. He was precious.
And warm. Sora wasn't sure what came over him, his mind had drifted away from the scene. But there was a pull of something, a force propelling him forward. He reached and wrapped himself around Roxas.
A gentle hug, barely squeezing, face buried in the crook of Roxas' neck. His breath hit Roxas' skin and he felt the man shudder.
Good. So good.
Too good. I'm going to get in so much trouble.
Roxas moved. He mimicked Sora's hold. And then he squeezed.
It was the tightest hug Sora had received in a very long time. He somehow managed to keep himself still through that and keep his facial expression intact.
And then it all came colliding down on him as Roxas touched him. It wasn't light or innocent. Sora could tell from how Roxas' fingers dug into his shoulders, how they slid up his neck before Roxas dragged them back down, past the collarbone, and onto his chest.
It broke the spell completely and Sora was flung out of his character as the metaphorical switch in his mind was tugged with little regard for the mental whiplash as Roxas shoved him back.
Sora blinked and was treated with the first genuine smile Roxas had ever given him. It was wide and full of mischief, and pride. But what really trapped him was Roxas' eyes.
Wide open, crazed. Sora felt he was being stripped down as if he were facing a feral beast that had spent years locked away. And Sora alone was the only thing that could satiate its hunger.
Roxas let out a dark chuckle. "There you are," he said and it made no goddamn sense.
Is that good or bad?
Before Sora could overthink it Roxas starts to clap. It's slow, almost mocking, but the class joins in. It's a blur of excited and dumbfounded voices. Excitement, confusion, bewilderment. Everyone's opinions lacing the air.
But Roxas is still grinning at him like that. Still staring at him. And this should be a step in the right direction but…
You haven't met the real Roxas.
Shit, was he starting to unravel the man's true form in real-time? Sora felt his heartbeat skyrocket as Zexion took control of the class.
"Relax all of you. It's like you haven't seen a scene before." He stared at Sora. It was the closest thing to respect from him. "Very good. I see you've taken what I've said to heart. Still shaky on some of your lines. But your additional choices were… bold."
He pushed up his glasses, staring back at his notes. "You have a talent for improvisation, that much is certain. Though we foster experimentation every now and then, don't be too reliant on it. Also, considering the nature of how this script was written, I expect you to share any ideas or detractions from the source with your co-star."
Sora quickly gave the teacher a nod and kept his line of sight there, doing his best to ignore Roxas' expression. "Right."
"That said, what did you think of the changes?" Zexion asked said co-star in a bored drawl.
Roxas grunted in thought. "There was more emotion coming from Eros than I planned at this point in the script. However, since he is at his wit's end and is doing his best to persuade the prince inside, I see it as a nice peek into his cunning nature. As a former assassin, he should know enough about emotional manipulation to meet his objectives, but ethically befitting the crown.
Twisting his desires, playing off of the prince's feelings he's recognized first, and channeling that to motivate the prince for the sake of his safety is a very interesting take. I want to see more of that side explored before making it official."
Sora doesn't know why, but listening to this ramble does more to squeeze at his heart. It's such a level of thought and care, as well as speculation because shit, he hadn't actually planned to convey all of that when expressing the character.
Sora worked best off of the freedom to explore and bend simple concepts into nuanced, living characters that everyone could relate to. But it was very difficult to match that complexity without that freedom.
He had played the knight from an emotional core and idealized version of service. But with Roxas' extra analysis now he had to somehow mix in an amount of darkness and willingness to steer people in specific directions through deceptive means.
It still fits into the performance he had just given, but now he had to match that energy instead of being entirely in a state of flow.
That's the difference between a small role and the lead.
Sora swallowed and took this chance while Roxas was still focused on the teacher to walk to his seat. Kairi reached out for him again, excitement filling her entire being, and pasted on a relieved face for her.
But everyone was watching him now in interest, and the most heat he was receiving was now sitting down in front of him. He could sense it, and he knew after class he was sure to be harassed by Roxas.
This was all supposed to calm Roxas down. To show that he could do this on his own maybe? But that look from Roxas earlier told him many things.
He definitely wasn't doing as bad as he thought, but now Roxas was really, really interested and this was going to be intense wasn't it?
Sora gripped at his hair, drowning out the rest of Zexion's lecture with notes and general daydreaming to push away the bad thoughts.
He couldn't entirely control himself. And that's when he made his first mistake of the day.
He looked over his shoulder towards the corner of the room, back toward his ex-best friend.
Riku looked in Sora's direction once, narrowed his eyes, and then made a point of looking away as his face turned red.
It was the same as it always was since the Summer. And it drove a knife into Sora's chest every time. He knew things would never be the same, but did it have to hurt so much?
The rest of the day went by the same way that the latter half of class did. He didn't bother moving past his locker, watching his classmates leave and drive off as he awaited his demonic co-star.
He may have been freaked out by the colorful array of facial expressions and acting skills Roxas had displayed. But it was pointless to fight it. That would only drag things out longer.
And I really need to sleep.
Once the last few students lingered out Roxas started to approach him, as Sora expected. But there was something different this time.
On Friday Roxas had been annoying, pushy, and haughty. But this Roxas smiled, had a bounce to his step, and seemed to relish in the discomfort Sora could no longer hide.
Sora sighed. "Hey," he murmured.
Roxas leaned against the locker closest to Sora's. "Been waiting to see you take things seriously." His smile grew. "Today was good. Didn't you feel it?"
There was a level of earnestness to Roxas' demeanor that was disarming. Sora didn't know if he could trust it. But he felt he could speak the truth. "I felt alright. I have a better sense of the character."
And I was fueled by spite.
"Well, I wouldn't say that. You went off script at the end." Roxas smirked. "But I liked it. Keeps things unpredictable, entertaining."
"I… guess so?" Sora felt there was a catch to these compliments. He felt warm all the same. He felt like he was speaking more to the prince than Roxas at this moment. "I'll try to stick closer to it for areas you don't want to deviate from."
"Maybe in class. But when we rehearse together I want you to let loose. I mean," he shrugged," You are good at improvising. That's when you do your best work. Regardless of the part."
"I never thought of it that way." Too nice, way too nice. Need to run. "I'll need to be more careful though. I don't want to go too overboard so… I guess it's worth going over tomorrow?"'
Roxas blinked very slowly, expression unchanged. He clasped his hands in front of himself. "We're going to go over that today. Plus there's one scene I want to run by you. After what I saw, I know what we should focus on next to make sure you're flawless on set."
The dread hit Sora full force but he inclined his head forward in assent anyway. "Okay. So what are we doing?"
Roxas took a step forward. And another. He was now as close to Sora as they had been in the scene earlier in class. "Well, as you know, this is still a PG-13 production. There's only so much we can get away with regarding touch. What you did was okay, but it would be good to go over certain zones so that you don't overstep."
"Uhhhh." Shit. "Well, it kind of makes sense."
And it would be the death of me.
"It's the natural next step." Roxas touched one of Sora's shoulders. "But that's just part of it. There are a few moments in the play where things get heated. Our goal is to sell the illusion of intimacy overall." He brought his hand up under Sora's chin, bringing them at the same level so that Sora couldn't avoid his eyes. "It's not just about knowing where to touch. It's how to touch."
Sora could see where this was going. He had read the full play in its entirety. He had seen the more steamy scenes and he was still pondering how Zexion allowed them to pass.
He knew this was coming, but Roxas' method was going to make it very, very hard for Sora to maintain a degree of privacy about himself when it came to… certain things.
And it especially sucked that today, of all days, his brain had decided he was attracted to this pretty, narcissistic devil. He swallowed away his fears and frowned. "I don't see how this helps our performance," he said in an attempt to push.
Because he couldn't act enthusiastic or intrigued about this method. His body may betray him but he was going to make sure he had time so that Roxas couldn't twist all of his funk of a hormone set for Roxas' bidding.
Roxas dropped his hand, cutting their physical contact (for now). "Have you ever been in love?"
Sora closed his eyes. "Maybe."
"I have. It's one of the hardest things to portray. Chemistry is important." Sora opened his eyes to an expression he had not expected. Roxas looked at him as if Sora already belonged to him. "Some people are just lucky and they're paired up with a perfect match. Everyone else has to build it from scratch."
"I… see." Sora's legs started to itch. The way they would before a long run. "So touching will help with that."
Roxas brought a finger to his lips, tapping them once. "Kissing too. We want this to look real." He stretched one of his arms, finally giving Sora a break from his intense gaze. "So, for a few months, we will make it real. Today we'll practice kissing, tomorrow we'll do that and go over touch. Then on the third day, we'll combine the two. Then go over other stuff for a few days. Then repeat."
Sora knew his face was betraying him now in a bundle of red fury. His heart was rocketing up in his chest, beating so hard he could feel it in his fingers.
But the hidden part of him? His core was eating this up to the bone. He knew this was a trap, that this wouldn't feel the way he thought it would, that this was the most dangerous thing in the world right now.
But he could tell. He was breaking. He sucked in a sharp breath. "You're serious?"
Roxas brought his head back up. His eyes were dark. "I always am." He gave Sora a pat on the shoulder, the same one he'd just touched. That area was getting warmer. "I'm going to fall in love with you."
Sora wanted to scream. "That's not how it works."
Roxas shook his head, body full of smugness that Sora wanted to shake out of him. "You're going to make me work hard today, huh?" He brushed past him, whistling. "Come on then. Let me walk you home."
Sora shivered, glaring at his back. "You're seriously going to kiss me. Like it's… not a big deal."
Roxas paused. He glanced around in front of them in a comical display of checking their surroundings when it was obvious to fuck all that they were alone there. He then turned and his smile was bright, genuine.
And a perfect match of Sora's expression. Sora had seen it in pictures, in mirrors on his best days, and he wore it like a second skin back when he was still friends with Riku.
Back when things were simple and his heart was whole.
Sora felt so cold seeing Roxas do this. Because he couldn't just wave all this away as Roxas being insane.
His co-star believed every single thing. And his joy was real.
Roxas took a few lazy steps back in Sora's direction as his face returned to normal. All in an instant. He let out a light laugh. "Yes, I'm seriously going to kiss you. And I'm going to enjoy it." He shrugged. "As for it being nothing… well, right now it's something. But eventually, for us, it won't mean anything. But for that moment on stage, for thousands of people, it will mean everything. So, I guess it depends on timing."
Sora didn't know what to say. So he said nothing at all. He gripped at his pants, wondering briefly if Roxas was okay. If anyone who took method acting to this extreme was ever okay.
Roxas seemed to take his silence as a challenge because he was getting that intense look in his eyes again. "Don't believe me?" His smile twisted into something sharp and crooked. "I can either show you now, or I can show you in private. The choice is yours."
There's no choice.
But does that matter when I want it?
Being touch-starved was a dangerous thing. But Sora would hide it with every fiber of his being. He felt like the Russian dolls encased in each other one after another.
Roxas may be an amazing actor. But Sora was good too. He was decent enough.
So, against all odds, he'd throw Roxas off regardless of the roles they'd play. With his resolve, he stomped ahead with Roxas following behind.
Author's Note (7.14.24): When I last updated this story it was a little over five years ago. My style has changed quite a bit, and though I remember where I was heading with this story there are tweaks I want to make as I head towards the predetermined ending.
I will continue posting here but I'm also cross-posting this to AO3. I'm JusticeTokidoki there if anyone wants to check out my more recent works there.