7

Another long chapter, but one that I could not split.

Thanks to skyross19 for helping me work through some story ideas this week and for giving me some really good ones too!

Jamie arrived early at the Lenox Hill cafe Sydney suggested for their meeting and found a quiet table in the corner where they could have some semblance of privacy. The cafe was bustling, which might be a good thing. People would be too busy to notice a couple in the corner having what could be a highly emotional conversation. Jamie was determined to keep his cool and Sydney was not one to make scenes in public either, but who knew how this would go considering the issues they needed to deal with. He went out on a limb and ordered them both coffee, hoping that Sydney would be on time. Or just show.

He was staring aimlessly through the window at the foot traffic outside when the bell over the doorway signaled an incoming customer. Jamie looked over and breathed a sigh of relief when he spotted his ex walking towards him.

"Hey," he said and stood as Sydney approached.

"Hi. I was worried I was going to be late. Seems like something always comes up when you really need to leave the office at a certain time," she said anxiously.

"No, you're right on time. Have a seat."

"Thanks," she said and hung her bag on the back of the chair.

"I ordered us some coffee. Hope that's okay."

"Better than okay," Sydney replied and busied herself with the cup in front of her.

Jamie waited as she sweetened and creamed her coffee. She was as nervous as he was considering the concentration she was putting into the task.

"How's James doing?" he asked to get the conversation going.

Sydney took a sip and cradled the cup between her hands. "He's good. He's also very grounded. No playdates, videogames, computer time."

Jamie smiled tightly and nodded. "I figured."

Sydney put her cup down and sighed heavily. "I still can't believe he pieced everything together. But what scared me the most was that he was willing to take off and wander through the city alone. And no one found it odd that a nine year old was walking around by himself?" she vented, stopping when her emotions rose. "I just don't know what I would have done if something happened to him," she said, swallowing thickly.

It was weird how he had only known about James for less than two weeks and he could already understand where she was coming from. "Yeah. Hopefully, he learned his lesson and knows not to take off like that again."

"We had a long talk about it. More than once, actually."

"That's good," Jamie nodded.

"He's a really good, easy kid, Jamie. This was so unlike him. I feel responsible for this happening," Sydney admitted.

"Sydney," Jamie began as he shook his head, but she interrupted him right away.

"Don't say it's not my fault," she stated firmly. She had already acknowledged her part in all of this. Keeping father and son apart, not doing something sooner to unite them, not being more honest with her son when he started asking about his biological father - that was on her.

Jamie smirked. "What I was going to say is don't be so hard on yourself."

A short laugh burst from her lips. It seemed that he wasn't harboring the same anger from their first exchange. "Gee, thanks," she quipped, thankful he was trying to lighten the mood.

Jamie wasn't looking to make her the bad guy. There weren't any in this situation; there couldn't be if they wanted to work this out. He sat up straight, ready to get to it. "No, seriously. Listen, I've had time to calm down and think about everything. I'm trying to see this from all sides. I can't say that I agree with you not telling me about the baby. But I know that when you made your decision, you thought you were doing what was best for you both. I can't fault you for wanting to put him first. I also have a lot of respect for you for raising him on your own."

The weight that sat heavily upon her chest ever since she got Jamie's call over a week ago lifted and suddenly she remembered some of the reasons she had loved Jamie Reagan in the past. "Thank you for that."

Jamie nodded. He said his piece and wanted to move forward for the sake of their son. "How's James feeling about everything?"

Sydney shook her head and sighed. "Kids are funny. It's almost like he's unphased. He found you now, figured out some big missing piece to a puzzle and is like, okay great, what's next? When can I see my dad again?"

Jamie's brows arched as hope filled him. "Yeah? He wants to see me?"

"Of course he does. He's the one who started all of this," she assured him, saddened that Jamie had any doubts. It made her feel worse that she was the cause and didn't see this sooner. "He needs his father."

"That's what I was hoping for," he confessed and sat back in his chair.

"He asked a million questions about you."

"Yeah?" he smiled. "I have a million questions about him."

"I'm sure," Sydney said before scrunching up her nose. "A lot of his questions were about your job, especially with what he saw online."

Jamie grimaced, considering their past issues. "Ah. I'm sure that went over well with you."

Sydney sighed and pushed a loose lock of brown hair behind her ear. "I told him he could ask you about that. Just, please don't romanticize it," she pleaded.

"I don't know about romanticizing it, but I still love what I do, Syd. I would want to answer his questions honestly or be able to talk about my job with him. I know how you feel about it, but I'd want him to know it's more than just that, it's what I love to do," Jamie said.

"I know," Sydney replied. She needed to accept that this was something she couldn't change or control.

"And I know he's nine, I wouldn't talk about anything that's not appropriate," he assured her.

"I know you wouldn't," she said before moving on. She didn't want to harp on his police work. That would only allow past fears to cloud her handling of this situation. That would also be for Jamie to deal with and it was going to take a lot for her to let that be. She had to trust that he would handle it well. "He asked about your family too. I told him the basics, that he has an aunt and uncle and cousins and two grandpas." Sydney paused, her expression turning somber. "I didn't mention Linda. I heard about the accident in the news. I'm sorry, I know that must have been terrible."

Jamie looked down and acknowledged her condolences. Linda had only been gone a few years and it was still fresh for all of them.

"How are Danny and the boys?"

"Getting stronger everyday," he replied. It was the truth. Unfortunately, they'd been through losses like this before. Time and family were the only things that got them through it.

Sydney didn't mean to bring down the mood but she wanted to give her condolences. Linda had been very good to her.

"James was excited to hear that he has a big family on your side."

"I also told the family about him. They'd all love to meet him someday soon. Speaking of family, how are your folks doing?" Jamie asked.

Sydney smiled. She would be forever grateful for her parents. "They're good. They're still in Connecticut. When I came back from London heavily pregnant, I went back home and stayed with them until James was born. Having them both was a tremendous help. My dad wasn't on board with my decision not to tell you. Mom on the other hand," she said, not wanting to add insult to injury with how her mother already felt about him before they broke up.

"She hated the bait and switch I pulled on you, I know. I can't imagine it got any better after we ended things and then found out you were pregnant. I don't blame her, Syd. It's okay," he finished for her.

"Yeah," she said reluctantly. "Although, don't feel so bad. Mom was tough on everyone I dated both before and after we were together. There was never anyone good enough."

"She sounds like my dad with Erin. He still twitches if Jack's name is mentioned," he snickered.

"I remember that," Sydney laughed. "I think my mom does the same with my ex-husband after we divorced."

The smile fell from Jamie's face. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"How could you?" she shrugged. "So you know, I never brought anyone I dated around James, unless I was certain it was serious. My ex, Chris, and I were together for a while before I let them meet. He and James got along great, but it turned out he was all in for the fun times, not so much for full-time parenthood and I'm embarrassed to say I totally missed that. After we divorced, I just focused on James."

"That must have been tough."

"That was my second biggest regret when it comes to James. All of his questions about you started when Chris moved out. He wanted a father. I swear I planned to tell you about James, but the older he got, the more of a coward I became."

Jamie didn't want to get into that. "Let's leave that behind us, Syd. I only want to move forward and be a father to him, if he'll let me," he assured her.

Sydney nodded and took in a deep breath. "It's funny, when I moved back to the city for work, mom was always afraid we'd run into you somewhere. It wasn't until after the divorce that she finally thought it might be a good thing."

"It took a nine year old and Google to bring us all together," he joked.

Sydney chuckled and palmed her face. She continued as she eyed his wedding band. "Anyway, I also told James you're married now but I couldn't say much else. I remember seeing a picture in the paper." But she left out the part about not allowing herself to read the blurb that went with it. It had been bad enough to see his smiling face, with eyes only for the beautiful blonde in the white wedding dress. "What's it been now? A year?"

"Yeah," Jamie smiled as he fingered his gold band.

"Congratulations."

"Thanks."

"What's her name?" Sydney asked.

"Eddie," Jamie said, the smile never leaving his face.

Sydney was curious; how could she not be? But she told herself it was strictly because his wife would meet their son some day. "Have you two been together for a long time?"

"Uh, I guess you can say that," Jamie grinned shyly.

Sydney's eyes narrowed. "What's the story there?" she smirked.

Jamie chuckled at the implication of his answer. "We were partners for about five years."

"What? Jameson Reagan! I wouldn't think that's allowed," Sydney teased.

It didn't escape him how comfortable they felt talking to each other right now. He hoped they could build on that. "It's not. Not really anyway, but we didn't get together until two years ago." He left it at that.

"So she's a cop," Sydney said. That wasn't surprising to her.

"She's a cop," he nodded. "We work out of the same precinct, but Eddie works nights now since we got married and had to transfer out of my squad. I'm hoping that will change soon."

"Well, good for you. I'm happy for you, Jamie. Honestly."

"Thanks, Syd."

But as his spouse, she imagined that Eddie Reagan must be feeling some sort of way about her husband having a child with another woman. "Is she…how does she feel about all of this?"

"She was shocked at first, like me," Jamie started.

"I'd like to meet her, but she must hate me," Sydney worried. If she put herself in his wife's shoes, she might feel that way too.

Jamie thought back to his conversation with Eddie this morning and was relieved to be able to answer her honestly. "No, she doesn't, Syd. She's also on board with me and however we want to handle this."

And then came the real question, the one that had worried Sydney the most. "How do you want to handle it?"

Jamie inhaled, it was time to really get to it. "I figured we could start slow. I can get to know James and make sure he's comfortable with me. I can take him to the park, shoot some hoops, grab dinner or whatever he wants - one on one. We can go from there."

Sydney absorbed his words while Jamie eyed her carefully to gauge her reaction.

"Okay, that sounds like a start," she said trepidatiously.

"When he's comfortable, I'd like him to meet Eddie and my family, but we'd go at his pace," he continued.

Sydney simply nodded, but she knew he wasn't done and waited for Jamie to continue.

"And when he's ready, I want something more formal."

And there it was. "A visitation schedule?" she asked.

"Yeah, that. But Syd, I want to share custody. I want to be a regular part of his life," he proclaimed.

Sydney sat back and let everything sink in. After a moment, she said, "That's going to be hard for me. He's all I have, Jamie." It was selfish, but this all made her feel like she was losing her little boy.

"I'm not trying to or would ever take him from you Syd. I want to be his father, I want to contribute and co-parent with you. I also want this to be easy for all of us, and for him especially. He should see his parents working together to raise him." She seemed overwhelmed but he didn't understand what else she expected. She knew him and that he wouldn't shirk his responsibilities or turn his back on family.

Jamie continued when she didn't respond, needing to plead his case. "He came to me and I've lost so much time with him already. I want to start making up for it and from what you said, it seems like it's what he wants too. All of that is going to take the two of us spending more time together and for me to be a regular part of his life."

Jamie waited patiently, but the longer the silence stretched out, the more he feared this wasn't going to be as easy as he prayed it would be.

Her voice was quiet when she finally spoke. "I talk to a therapist sometimes. Work and being a single mom is stressful. I used to have more help, but I wanted to be more hands-on as he got older, even with work being as crazy as it is. I wanted to be the one raising him, not some nanny. But sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind," she confessed.

"I bet. I saw Erin go through it with Nicky," he empathized.

Sydney nodded. Of course he did. "I talked to her about this and told her my biggest fear was losing James with you in the picture." They were silly fears, Jamie wouldn't take him from her, but they were there - James growing to love Jamie more than he loved her, James seeing Jamie as his hero with the cop thing, feeling jealous of their time together because it meant less time for them to be together.

"That's not my intention," he swore.

Sydney met his eyes. "I know that. She's going to help me with that. It will be hard sharing him, we're together twenty-four seven when he's not in school so I'm not sure what I'll do with the free time if he's with you. She said I need to use that time to focus on myself."

"That's good advice," Jamie whispered.

Sydney nodded and took another sip from her cup. She knew what the right decision was, she was just going to have to get used to someone else in their lives for her son's sake. "We can take it slow, like you said, and just go from there, okay? Just, please be patient with me? It's something I have to get used to also. I think this is going to be harder on me than on him," Sydney pleaded.

"I understand. We'll make it work," he promised.

Sydney sighed and blinked the wetness from her eyes. "I don't know if you have plans or not, but maybe if you can, come by our apartment in an hour? I have to get James from school and then maybe we can talk to him together."

"Yeah. I can do that," Jamie said, feeling relief for the first time in over a week.