Ladybug landed on the roof of the Trocadero, as per usual for their nightly patrols. A silhouetted Cat Noir was already there, sitting on the edge of the roof, swinging his feet back and forth over the edge. A small smile spread across her face. She could never tire of his cheerful silliness.
The spotted superhero made her way over to him, and one of his synthetic ears twitched, clearly he knew she was there, but didn't turn to face her like normal. Choosing not to address that just yet, Ladybug slipped down beside him, a comfortable distance between them.
"Good evening M'lady." He said jovially. He sounded like his normal chipper self, Ladybug noted. "How are you doing on this meowvelous evening?"
Ladybug eyed him out of her peripherals. A stupid grin was spread cheek to cheek on his face. Just a big smile on his face like he knew exactly what he was doing. Clearly he was waiting for an answer, because he obviously asked a question.
"And here I thought something was wrong." Ladybug sighed, finally turning to look at him fully.
Cat Noir was grinning alright, he was grinning just a tad too wide, and after her comment, his grin seemed to strain.
"There's nothing wrong, this cat is doing pawesome!" He threw in wild hand gestures, as if to cast aside any suspicious behavior, however, this time she could hear it in his voice, the slight waver, the tone wasn't quite right.
Instead of gracing his pun with an answer, she simply eyed him, and he continued to smile at her, meeting her gaze with his own. He was good at hiding whatever he was truly feeling, that was for sure, but with months of fighting together, and just time together, taught her a lot about this strange boy.
Cat Noir held her gaze a few moments longer before his smile faltered. "Really M'lady, I'm okay." His tone sombered up a bit.
Usually she would shove and make him spill what was on his mind, but semi recent events made her want to try something else for a change, at least as her Ladybug self. She scooted a bit closer and gently laid a hand on his arm.
"Cat Noir." Her voice nearly exasperated, but soft. "You don't need to put on a show for me."
Cat Noir glowered at her for a moment, slowly he deflated, ducking his head in resignation. "Do you ever get tired of keeping secrets?"
Ladybug felt a little taken aback. "Like, from you?" She asked tentatively, taking her hand back.
He glanced over at her, likely seeing the taken aback expression, backpedaled with a, "No no, I mean in general, like from friends and loved ones." Something in his voice told her that he wasn't entirely honest.
For now though, she could answer his question. "Of course, Kitty, all the time. Why?"
"Well I just. I don't know. I think I'm worried? You remember that I have a girlfriend right?" He asked, and Ladybug couldn't help but roll her eyes.
"Of course I remember you silly cat." She chuckled.
Cat Noir gave a half smile. "Well, before her I was kind of…seeing someone else." A hand went to the back of his neck
Ladybug raised a brow. "Kind of?"
"I mean it was short and it didn't last long." He clarified. "And it didn't last long because I had to keep Cat Noir from her."
Something twisted inside Ladybug. She knew exactly what that felt like, because it was the exact same thing that happened to her. Luka didn't like secrets, or at the very least, didn't like that she couldn't tell the truth about her disappearances, and it broke his heart. The familiar ache of guilt from that akumatization rose up in her, but she squashed it down. Now wasn't the time for that.
Turning her attention back to Cat Noir, she caught him toying with his tail belt between his hands. "I just, I'm worried that the same will happen with this girl."
That feeling was familiar too. It was part of the reason she at first put her feelings aside for Adrien, but she didn't think that now. So far nothing happened where she needed some big excuse to get away, usually he was fine with splitting up for an akuma. That was because of his father though, always wanting him home where it was safe.
Cat Noir abruptly was on his feet, pacing along the rooftop. "Like seriously LB, she's this amazing and kind and this absolutely stunning girl, both inside and out! She never questions my disappearing, trusts that I'm not lying to her, and sticks by my side no matter what!" He stopped and faced her. "I'm scared of losing her, and-" He cut himself off.
Ladybug got to her feet and stepped toward him, laying a hand on his shoulder. "And?" She prompted softly.
Cat Noir met her eyes, fear and desperation clear as day in them. "I wish I could just tell her who I am."
Before Ladybug could take a breath he was speaking again. "I know I can't, I know how important our secret identities are, especially now that it's just us, I just wish I didn't have to worry about this secret and-"
"Cat!" She cut him off sternly, but not unkindly.
She took a hand in both of hers and squeezed it. "I understand kitty, you don't have to explain. You said this girl trusts you right?" He nodded, eyes casted downward, almost in shame. "Then if this girl is as wonderful as you say she is, then it's going to be okay."
Cat Noir nodded again, and sniffed. "Okay." He mumbled.
Ladybug cupped his cheek and lifted his face to meet her gaze. "And if she breaks up with you for that, I'm going to kick her into next week." She said seriously, which earned a small smile. "I'm being completely serious Cat Noir, she will have more to fear than Monarch does. She's going to have to invest in bug repellant."
Finally he let out a real jovial laugh, and Ladybug's poker face broke as well. She took her hands back in favor of hugging him. "There's my kitty."
"Hey now, I have a girlfriend." He quipped, but hugged her nonetheless.
Ladybug pulled back and rolled her eyes. "Ready for patrol?"
Cat Noir grinned, pulling out his baton. "Race you!"
Patrol was short. Though Monarch was particularly dangerous these days, not as many akumas show up compared to when he was Shadow Moth or even Hawk Moth. Perhaps, Ladybug thought, that's because so many more people have learned to resist akumatizations. Or maybe because the villain is looking for particular victims that best fit the miraculous powers.
Oh boy. If Ladybug felt guilty about Luka's akumatization, she certainly felt it about losing all those kwamis. That feeling of loss that appeared every time she glimpsed at the Miracle Box's hiding spot.
Cat Noir touched down beside her, holding out an icecream cone with a scoop of mint. She took it gratefully. A new tradition for Thursday patrols ever since Andre had finally accepted that they won't ever be a couple.
"Thanks." Ladybug said, taking a link. As always it was sweet and delicious.
"Anything for you Bugaboo." He winked at her, she rolled her eyes.
"It's been awhile since you've called me that." She commented.
Cat Noir froze mid lick. "Yeah, I guess it has been." His voice quiet.
Ladybug stared down at her frozen treat thoughtfully. "Been awhile since you've asked about secret identities too."
He elbowed her side. "Like I've always said M'lady, to know me is to love me."
"Hey now, I have a boyfriend." She elbowed him in return.
The pair returned to their ice cream. Something like tension grew between them, and Ladybug didn't like it. It had to do with his lack of flirting, and use of the bugaboo nickname. It's definitely not because they're both seeing someone. No, he just mentioned seeing someone before, and she recalled that he really has never stopped flirting with her, not since…not since she lost the kwamis.
Is that what changed his feelings for her? Back when she finally loved him in return, he told her his feelings changed. Was it her failure? Her complete and utter incompetence as a superhero and Guardian?
While she was perfectly happy with Adrien, and content with Cat Noir's changed feelings, if it was her failure, what if Adrien sees it and decides that he no longer loves her. What if he sees who she truly is, some incompetent and clumsy girl who lost what she was tasked and trusted to protect.
Suddenly her ice cream didn't taste as sweet anymore. Ladybug set it down beside her and palmed her yoyo, fidgeting with it.
"What's wrong LB?" Cat Noir asked.
Ladybug peered over at him, his ice cream was also abandoned, a concerned look on his face.
"Nothing." She sighed.
The blonde boy smirked. "You've always been a worse liar than me."
He was smirking, yes, but the concern never left his eyes.
"Why?"
Cat Noir blinked. "Why what?"
Ladybug steeled herself. "Why haven't you flirted?" That didn't come out right. "I mean, why haven't you asked about our identities?"
He blinked again, then again. "What?"
"Nevermind." She groaned, stood up, readying to fling her yoyo.
"Wait." Cat Noir grabbed her arm, and tried to pull her back down. "Tell me."
She refused to meet his gaze. "It's because I lost all the miraculous right? Because I'm unreliable and a failure. That's why your feelings changed." Wait, he might take that the wrong way. "Not that I don't mind, because I'm seeing someone, and I really love him!" She added quickly.
Cat Noir got to his feet quickly and pulled her into a hug. "No little bug, that's not it." He breathed into her hair, and Ladybug felt tears welling up. "And you're not a failure either."
She felt him pull back, and grasp her shoulder tightly, fixing his eyes on her's. "It wasn't your fault. It was Felix, and it was Monarch." She nodded, the tears starting to fall. "I'm still with you, and we are going to get them all back, okay?" He wiped away the tears with his gloves.
He hugged her again, and she let him. Usually she wouldn't condone this between them, but if she was being honest, she didn't mind anymore. He was her best friend, the person that always stood by her no matter what, no matter her mistakes and failures. No matter how she treated him in return.
"Can you tell me why then?" Her voice muffled against his chest.
Slowly, Cat Noir broke off the hug, and lowered them back to the ground. He didn't speak right away, and Ladybug didn't want to pressure him to. His fingers twisted his miraculous ring.
"It's just us now Ladybug." He started. "Flirting in battle, asking about our identities. I could tell it was too much even before Strikeback. So now that there is so much more risk, I understand the need to keep our identities secret."
Well, that wasn't what she particularly expected. Ladybug had noticed that he was taking each battle more seriously, sometimes too seriously, but though the flirting was gone, the jokes were still there.
"That's good, our focus needs to be on Monarch." She said finally, and Cat Noir nodded in agreement. "What changed your feelings?"
He breathed out between his teeth, hand going back to his neck. "Well for one you didn't feel the same."
"That didn't stop you before." She pointed out.
Cat Noir gazed out toward the city. "I know, I guess…it was the argument we had during Strikeback."
Ladybug felt her heart seize. She had nearly forgotten they argued during the initial part of that battle. Mainly about secret identities and being akumatized, but also about her never telling him anything. Sure they were under the influence of risk at the time, but the things said still came from inside them.
He just never wanted to risk voicing those thoughts.
"I-" Her throat tightened. "I see."
"It wasn't just that. It was everything before that too." Cat Noir said quietly. "The secrets, the misdirections. You never told me about Rena Furtive, never let me help you even though we were, are, partners. It felt like you didn't trust me, like I did something to deserve mistrust."
Something squeezed her heart for the second time together, something like guilt, fear, or hurt. She didn't entirely know. "Is that why you gave up your ring?"
Cat Noir glanced over at her, his eyes were distant and full of an unreadable emotion. "Plagg said he told you it was because I was in love with you, and that was partially true."
He held up the hand with the miraculous on it. "This thing allows me freedom that I've never had in my life before. I've always felt restricted, alone. I never had anyone to be myself with. I always wore a mask. It's ironic really, that I had to wear a mask for me to be free of one. It was my way out, and it was amazing because I had someone to be myself with. Someone who relied on me as much as I relied on them."
"So when I denied your help." She choked out.
"I felt like you didn't need me, or didn't even want me around." He finished, looking out over the Paris skyline again.
"Even though you were just trying to help."
"Yeah."
So that's what he'd been keeping inside. All this time. Sure a big part of it was because Cat Noir loved her, and loved her deeply. But she pushed him away so many times, and she ended up losing all the miraculous because of that, and ever since, he's had to hide how he was affected by her words and actions toward him. Sure she realized all that when Monarch stole the miraclous, and he still stood by her side, but it didn't take away the hurt.
Ladybug took a shaky breath. "I'm really sorry Cat Noir."
His head whipped toward her, surprise on his face, like he's never been told sorry before. Oh who has hurt you my poor kitten.
She twisted her body to face more of him, she needed to be honest, as honest as she could be anyways. "This is long overdue. I never should have pushed you away like I did." Ladybug bit her lip and couldn't help the quivering that came. "I-I just, when Master Fu made me G-guardian, I felt like a huge weight was put on my s-shoulders, and they already felt heavy with the earrings. I didn't deserve the title, not after causing it in the f-first place-"
Cat Noir scooted closer to her and put a hand on her shoulder. "Ladybug." He said soothingly.
Her words started coming out fast. "Then I started seeing someone, and I couldn't tell him the truth, and it broke my heart and his heart, and it was all just too much. It was too much Cat Noir. So I told someone who I was, and then battle after battle happened and we weren't getting any closer to defeating ShadowMoth, and then I lost everything and I'm so so sorry for everything." She finished with a sob.
Cat Noir pulled her into another hug, holding her tightly against him as she cried. Letting out months of stress and tension. He stroked her hair, saying soothing words to her.
"You haven't lost me." He told her quietly. "And you never will."
Ladybug pulled away and gazed up at him. His gaze was earnest, and she could remember why she fell in love with him in the first place, perhaps she didn't confuse her feelings, but only that she had feelings for both boys. Nonetheless, she made her choice, but she could still love this boy in front of her.
"I forgive you." Cat Noir said earnestly.
Ladybug felt tears fall again, she wiped them away, and smiled up at him. "Thank you. I promise that when we defeat Monarch, there will be no more secrets between us."
Cat Noir smiled and raised his fist. "Promise?"
Ladybug tapped it with her own. "Promise."
The idea behind this story is simply what an apology about all the stuff that Ladybug put Cat Noir through in season 4. I liked her admittance to everything in the season 4 finale and then her demonstrations of trust and change in the first episode of season 5, but I've always wanted to see an actual "I'm sorry" from her.
The other ideas such as Adrien being scared of messing up his relationship with Marinette was another thing I wanted to address because I feel like he would be scared after how being Cat Noir messed up his relationship with Kagami. The whole reason he and Marinette were able to get together was because they gave up the secrets, they gave up their miraculous. Since getting the burden back I thought they would be a bit nervous about it, but they didn't address it. So that's my reasoning for that.
Lastly, Ladybug asking why Cat Noir changed his feelings was a way to move the conversation into the apology. Not only that but it's something that's not directly addressed in the show, so I wanted to address it here because I'd assume Ladybug would be curious as to why, if only to avoid the same mistakes with Adrien.
Anyways, sorry for the long rant post story. This particular oneshot had a lot of thoughts behind it so I just wanted to address them.
Thank you for reading!