Chapter 7: Not Your Fault
Felicity, curled into Oliver's side, could not stop the tears streaming down her cheeks, even as his story came to an end. She was sure they had been pretty nearly constant since Oliver described Earth 42 Laurel's revelation that Earth 42 Thea had been found dead from suicide on her eighteenth birthday. It just felt like everything that came out of Oliver's mouth since had done nothing but devastate Felicity further. Oliver fell silent and the two of them stared contemplatively at the fire in the loft's fireplace.
Felicity managed to clear her phlegmy throat enough to quietly say, "I think you're less of an ass now."
Oliver let out a laugh at the unexpectedness of Felicity's statement. Silence fell back over the loft.
Felicity felt silenced from shock. How were there words to empathize with that kind of experience?
What would it feel like to see a world where you really were dead and everyone had moved on without you? To see Tommy and Laurel married.
Tommy. Felicity could only imagine how painful it was for Oliver to be face to face with a doppelgänger of his departed best friend. And to see Tommy ready to commit an atrocity on an even larger scale than Malcolm Merlyn.
And Thea. God, no wonder Oliver had been acting wildly overprotective of Thea since his return. And Oliver, with his negligible emotional intelligence, had managed to navigate his concerns with Thea like a backpack-clad tourist in a fine art gallery. After hearing the Queen siblings' argument and Oliver's description of Earth 42 Thea's sexual abuse and trafficking, Felicity was feeling subtly queasy considering her future sister-in-law.
Finally, Felicity broke the silence. "I am so sorry for how terrible your trip to Earth 42 was." She paused, trying to put her hurt for Oliver into words. "I can't imagine what it felt like to see Tommy but have him not be … Tommy."
Oliver tried to explain, stumbling over his words as he tried to make his meaning clear. "He wasn't Tommy, but he was. All the things that mattered, that made him him, were still there." Oliver admitted brokenly, "Leaving and walking through the breach felt like losing him all over again."
"I can't imagine," Felicity murmured in sympathy, laying a gentle hand on his arm. She tried to envision what it would have felt like to see her college boyfriend Cooper again in another world when she still thought he was dead. The thought made her heart ache.
Felicity leaned in closer and gave Oliver's arm a comforting squeeze. "I understand now why you have been acting so off with Thea. What happened to that Thea was absolutely horrific. Your poor mother," Felicity's eyes swam, "Losing her husband and son, then losing her daughter like that. I don't know how someone recovers after something like that." And Felicity had never liked Moira Queen to begin with. But even such an unkind woman didn't deserve that kind of grief.
Oliver stilled next to Felicity and she realized she had said something wrong. "Oliver?" she asked, craning to try to search his eyes. "What did I say?"
Oliver sighed, "It's not your fault, Felicity. I am just … not feeling particularly charitable towards my mother's memory at the moment."
"What does that mean?" Felicity asked, never one to shrink from tense subjects.
"It means, Felicity," Oliver said with a little edge to his tone, "That over the last week I have learned that my mother was not a great parent to Thea after the Queen's Gambit went down."
Felicity felt a little thrown. She felt like Moira and Thea's tense relationship had always been an open enough secret. Felicity had gotten that trickle-down understanding all the way back when it was just she and Diggle on Team Arrow and Thea was just Oliver's sister who he was unsuccessfully balancing with Arrow business. Felicity couldn't comprehend how Oliver was only just picking up on that now. Then again, Oliver had always had a mile-wide blind-spot when it came to his family – he had always struggled to see Moira for who she was. "Okay," Felicity agreed, showing she intended to back off the subject.
Changing the subject, Felicity said gently, "So, that fight with Thea." Felicity glanced up at Oliver's face and saw him close his eyes, bracing himself. "You went behind her back to talk with Walter because you were worried that what happened to Earth 42 Thea happened to our Thea." Oliver sat still for a moment, then slowly nodded. Felicity asked cautiously, "Did it just cross your mind to check, or was there something that made you think something had happened?"
Oliver took in a breath. The night's emotions were clearly weighing heavily on him. "Walter made a comment soon after I returned from Lian Yu, that, in my absence, he handled a situation where a teacher was acting inappropriately with Thea."
"Oh," Felicity said, something heavy settling in her stomach as she understood.
"At the time, I never thought twice about Walter's comment. He only mentioned it to me as part of context about how he became involved romantically with my mother. And the incident with Thea's teacher only came up as a time marker for how he didn't have any contact with my mother or Thea until our manor staff approached him for help on Thea's behalf … over a year after The Queen's Gambit sank."
"Oh," Felicity murmured again, discomfited by the similarity of the timetable Oliver was describing with his story of Earth 42.
"After I got back from Earth 42, I couldn't get Walter's comment out of my head. Things were certainly different on Earth 42, but many things were similar or the same. It just didn't seem like such a stretch that something could have happened to Thea."
"So you went to Walter?" Felicity guessed.
Oliver gave a little self-deprecating grimace. "First, I spoke to Thea. And that went … poorly." Oliver sighed. "When we had movie night, I told Thea a little about Earth 42 and what Walter said, and I asked her if … what had happened to Earth 42 Thea … if Thea had been … hurt."
Felicity could feel Oliver's deep discomfort and could picture exactly how that conversation had gone. Still, she asked with apprehension, "What did she say?"
"She … didn't say anything," Oliver said, sounding confused and devastated.
"She didn't say anything?" Felicity repeated back, seeking clarification.
"She got up to get a drink and when I asked again she told me to stop asking," Oliver said, his voice sounding pained. "She didn't say another word to me and when Laurel got home, I just left. The next day she called off work to Alex." Felicity could picture the entire scene in her mind's eye and, just as Oliver must have, felt Thea's silence as confirmation.
"Oh, Oliver," Felicity murmured, feeling his concern.
"I just felt like I needed someone to tell me something, Felicity," Oliver explained desperately, as if hoping she would understand. "And every step of the way I just wanted someone to tell me I was being crazy." Oliver's voice quickened, like he was well aware that he had crossed a line with his next decision. "So yes, I went to see Walter. And damn it, Felicity, everything he told me just confirmed that I was right to be worried. Every sign he saw confirmed that Thea was in a sexual relationship with a teacher at her school. And Walter confirmed that he managed to quietly get the teacher away from Thea and arrested on child pornography charges. And he … he implied … that some of the images were of Thea and that he had the cops keep those out of the case and locked them up so that … so Thea can decide what she wants to do with them."
Felicity felt her eyes close in horror. Oh, Thea. But Oliver was not finished.
"I just got desperate. She was twelve when I left, Felicity," Oliver said, voice shaking and tormented. "I just kept thinking that being a little kid abused by some sick man you trusted is awful and how does someone recover from something like that?" Oliver trailed off, trying to find words to explain his fears "… But then there was the other Thea's journal, and Tommy told me the kinds of awful things in them, of that Thea being trafficked and sold to all these adult men and being just tortured and … the only entry I saw was written eight months after the Gambit went down." Oliver paused to take a breath after dumping so much information at once, turning to look Felicity in the eyes. "Felicity, she was thirteen years old. And if Walter didn't even get involved to stop anything until sometime when she was thirteen, I've been going crazy thinking that being raped by one person wasn't even the worst thing that happened to her!"
"I think I'm going to throw up," Felicity muttered.
"Yeah, I know," Oliver responded brokenly.
Felicity leaned over and proceeded to vomit onto the floor. Oliver leapt up apologizing, "Oh god, Felicity, I'm sorry. I didn't know you really meant -" Oliver quickly handed Felicity her water glass to rinse her mouth and then scrambled out to the kitchen to grab a spray bottle of disinfectant and a rag. "Babe, I'm so sorry," he apologized as he sprayed the floor and began to wipe.
Felicity shook her head, rejecting his apology. "Oliver, you seriously have nothing to apologize for. I'm fine. This is just… horribly upsetting." Felicity felt a little shudder of queasiness run back through her body. She clenched her eyes shut, trying to hold it back. When it had passed, she gave a little disparaging laugh. "I am beginning to understand why people like to just smoosh their feelings down. Smooshing seems good right now."
Oliver finished cleaning and resumed his seat next to Felicity. He looked at her with intense eyes. "Now you know everything. I think I've proven that I am incapable of handling this situation. I need you. What do I do?"
Felicity closed her eyes thinking for a moment, sorting through several trains of thought. She opened her eyes and asked, "Is Thea in active danger?"
Oliver thought about it, "Not as far as I know."
"Are any other kids in danger right now?"
Oliver thought again. "I mean, not from her teacher. Walter handled him, and Walter won't even give me the guy's name without Thea's consent."
Felicity nodded thoughtfully. "Then, while I think the abuse and trafficking stuff is scary as hell, our immediate problem is that Thea doesn't want to talk to you." Felicity could see the hurt in Oliver's eyes as he nodded slowly.
"So what do I do?" Oliver asked despondently.
Felicity sighed, "I think the only thing we can do right now. We respect her request for space." Oliver's eyes immediately showed his dislike of this plan. "Look, Oliver, she doesn't trust you right now. We can go around all day about your reasons for going to Walter behind her back like you did, but to Thea right now, it just looks like you sticking your nose into something really painful and personal." Felicity stopped and remembered Oliver's comment to Thea and felt her blood pressure start to rise. "And then you crassly insinuated that, as an abused child, she failed in some sort of responsibility to warn people? Which is wild, I'm still pissed at you for that." Oliver's eyes widened as he took in how angry Felicity was. Felicity continued, trying to explain, "You're hurt, and I respect that, but that is just about the most awful thing you could have said to her."
"I just meant that I had to follow up with Walter because I couldn't be sure there weren't other kids at risk! What if that guy was still out there hurting other kids?" Oliver exclaimed, defending himself.
"No, Oliver, what you said, is that you felt you had to clean up Thea's mess because she couldn't be trusted to do it on her own. Which is insane, because she was a child and even if she hadn't ensured that he was in jail, she was a victim. A CHILD. Victim. She didn't have a responsibility to do anything." Oliver had the good grace to look ashamed.
Felicity sighed, hoping that she had gotten through to Oliver. "I just want to be clear – in terms of your fight with Thea, I am team Thea." Oliver shot Felicity a hurt look. Felicity clarified, "Team Oliver in life, team Thea in this fight. Look, Thea is not in active danger. We trust Laurel to keep an eye out for her until you can apologize and make it right." Oliver looked upset and leaned his head back to the couch's head rest.
"What about patrolling? And Darhk?" Oliver groused.
"You're marrying the right chica, Oliver," Felicity said with a little smile. "I can make sure that you and Thea can't hear each other, but can be in full communication with the rest of the team. We can still ensure full coverage while giving Thea the space she needs right now."
Oliver's expression seemed to indicate that this was far from the plan that he wanted, but he agreed with a reluctant nod.
Oliver raised his hands to rub at his face and asked, "What about what happened to her? There's still so much I don't know."
Felicity sighed. "I understand why this is making you crazy, Oliver. You love Thea. You want her safe, and protected, and finding out about some really awful things happening to her when she was younger has to feel horrible. I feel horrible thinking about it, and she's not even my sister. But just because it's hurting us, it's hurt her more. I think we need to respect what she needs right now. If everything that you suspect happened happened, she hasn't always had a lot of say in what has happened to her. I think this time we have to leave the next steps up to her."
Laurel walked into her darkened apartment and couldn't decide if she was pleased or concerned to not find Thea curled on the couch. Laurel had called Thea over her lunchbreak to check on her and Thea had sounded okay but tired. Hopefully Thea had decided to grab a bite to eat with Alex, or, if Laurel was really lucky, had gone to patch things up with Oliver. Laurel was readily able to see Oliver's concern for Thea when he had stopped in at the prosecutor's office that morning. Oliver and Thea's problem was never a lack of affection for each other – it was always a lack of communication.
Laurel had only just changed into a pair of jeans and casual top when her phone rang. Laurel saw Thea's name on the phone screen and quickly answered. "Hey," she said quickly.
"Laurel?" Thea's bleary voice warbled over the phone. Laurel's heart instantly dropped to her stomach at the tearful voice.
"Thea?" Laurel demanded, her voice belying her instant panic. "What's wrong?"
Thea sniffled and answered with cracking voice, "Ollie and I had a fight."
Laurel's brow furrowed wondering if Thea was under the influence of something. "Thea, that was last night, sweetie."
Thea let out a wet laugh, "No. Not that fight," Thea corrected. "A real fight. A bad one."
Laurel felt lost. "I don't understand, Thea."
"I didn't know who to call. I don't know where to go … I just.. I can't-" Thea began sobbing on the phone.
"Okay, sweetie, I'm coming." Laurel instantly consoled even as her heart pounded. "Thea, where are you?"
"I'm at the manor … with my dad."
"I don't understand – Thea, are you at Ollie and your dad's graves?" The call ended and Laurel looked down at the phone in shock. After a mere few seconds passed, Laurel found herself in motion. Laurel threw her phone on speaker mode, redialed Thea and tossed her phone onto the counter to ring while she pulled on a sock and shoe. The call went to voicemail. Laurel hit redial and pulled her other shoe on as the phone rang through to voicemail again. Laurel grabbed keys, and threw a sweatshirt, a bottle of water, and a blanket in a bag and pushed through her front door while sending Thea a text asking if Thea was at the Queen's former manor. Laurel was just hailing a cab when she got a photo of Robert Queen's grave from Thea confirming her location.
The drive felt long as Laurel felt her heart race. Thea had sounded broken. And Laurel was well aware of the kinds of terrible decisions people tended to make when they were feeling that low. Laurel waited out the drive willing Thea to be okay and to hold on until Laurel could reach her.
The cab pulled up to the gate at what used to be the Queen's family home before it was lost to Isabel and then changed hands again since. Laurel didn't feel confident that she wasn't trespassing, but she hoped that whoever the current owner was could understand Thea's need to visit her father's grave.
Laurel stepped out into the chilly night air and walked a path that she remembered having traversed once to see Ollie's grave prior to his return from Lian Yu. At the time, she had hoped that visit would help her come to terms with his cheating and death. It hadn't.
As Laurel drew closer, she could see a figure sitting in front of the two tombstones, arms wrapped around bent knees. Laurel stopped about ten feet back. She called out gently, "Thea?"
The figure on the ground released a wet sob. Laurel traversed the last few feet to her side and dropped onto her knees next to Thea. "Thea," Laurel said sympathetically. Laurel leaned forward, attempting to wrap her arms around Thea, but Thea pushed away and leapt to her feet. Thea began to pace in agitation.
"Thea, what's wrong? What's going on?" Laurel questioned anxiously, concerned for Thea's wild behavior.
"I don't know what to do, Laurel, I didn't know where to go," Thea said, her voice rapid, matching the pace of her feet pounding on the soil in front of the gravestones. "I'm just … I'm so mad at Ollie. I hate him, I do." Thea explained tersely. Laurel could feel her heart pounding with the rhythm of Thea's footsteps. Thea continued, "And I'm so mad at my mother. And Roy. And Malcolm. All they do is say they are protecting me and they make these decisions which just hurt me, and then I still get hurt anyways …" Thea trailed off.
She paused to look at the graves of her father and her brother. "Then they leave and they die and … who else is there?" She asked brokenly and Laurel could almost see Thea thinking about all those she had loved and lost. Laurel herself felt overwhelmed as she considered the losses Thea had experienced so early in life. Thea stated franticly, "There's no one left – they're dead, or they're gone, or I just hate them." Thea stopped her frantic pacing in front of her father's gravestone. She slowly crouched in front of the grave and touched the name gently with the tips of her fingers. "I miss my dad," she said softly. "Robert. He's not even my father, but he's the only one who never hurt me. Who just loved me. Even knowing I wasn't his."
"Thea," Laurel said softly, her own voice breaking with hurt for Thea. "Robert was your father. He knew who you were and he loved you. He was the one who raised you. Malcolm Merlyn can't take that away from you." Laurel felt the bitterness seep into her voice as she said Malcolm's name.
Thea was silent and Laurel couldn't be sure that Thea had really heard Laurel. Laurel decided to try again to see what had led Thea here. "Thea, can you tell me what happened? Why you are so upset?"
The question set Thea back into motion. Thea scrambled back to her feet and began her pacing anew, saying, "I didn't know what to do, because everything just feels like too much." While Thea didn't stop or make eye-contact with Laurel, she seemed like she urgently needed someone to understand. "Like, it's all coming back, all of that stuff from when I was a kid." Laurel felt her heart sink. Of course Oliver's prying into her childhood abuse set Thea struggling with memories, especially after she had disclosed it to Laurel the night before. Laurel had been having trouble putting Thea's past out of her mind over the last 24 hours. It only made sense that the same would be true for Thea - everything would feel fresh and painful.
Thea continued explaining, "Except now it's out there, and you know, and Ollie knows, and Walter knows, and Ollie says it's my fault-" Laurel felt a shock through her system. Oliver said what? Laurel got onto her feet, but Laurel couldn't even find an opening to clarify that comment because Thea's pacing seemed like it had reached a fever pitch.
Thea twisted her hands anxiously as if they needed something to keep them occupied as she admitted brokenly, "Everything hurts so badly that all I want to do, all I am craving to do is go score something and just … not feel for like, 5 minutes." Panic flooded Laurel's body. The admission made Laurel want to march Thea home, wrap her up in a blanket, and pretend that Thea wasn't feeling so overwhelmed that she was ready to tempt fate by hitting the streets in search of a fix. Laurel could only manage to say sadly, "Thea…"
Thea added wildly, "But god, even though I hate Ollie right now, that would kill him, I know it would. And even if I hate him, I can't kill him, can I?"
"And you!" Thea added, swinging around to look directly at Laurel. "That would hurt you too, right, and you've been so good to me - I can't do that to you!" Laurel wasn't prepared for Thea to look at her with so much pain, like she was searching for something.
Laurel opened her mouth to agree, that Laurel would be devastated if Thea felt her only recourse was getting high to forget, but Thea forged ahead, turning away again. Thea's speech was less pressured and she said, full of regret, "I just … the last time I felt like this I went to Malcolm to make me stronger and he turned me into a murderer."
Thea turned towards her childhood home on the hill above, lights twinkling where the home's new family were no doubt snuggled in for the evening together. "Where can I even go?" Thea mused brokenly. "Why am I even alive if everything feels like this? If I can't do anything right, if I just hurt people." Laurel slowly approached Thea as Thea continued sadly, "What do I do if there is no one to go to? No one I can trust?" Laurel was a step away from Thea when Thea admitted, her voice hopeless and even, "When Ra's stabbed me, Ollie should have just let me die."
Laurel grabbed Thea into a hug just as Thea broke into sobs. "No, no, no, Thea," Laurel said, panic and pain in her voice, denying Thea's supposition as she held on tightly. "No, Thea, you should be here, you deserve to be here." Laurel stated with conviction, desperate for Thea to hear her sincerity. "Ollie could have never let you die, none of us could." Laurel clutched onto Thea.
Suddenly a wave of terror engulfed Laurel as she considered whether Thea was at the point of harming herself … killing herself. "Thea-" Laurel broke off, fear filling her voice. "Please, please don't make me lose you." Thea's only response was a gut-wrenching sob. Laurel could feel panic thrum through her veins as she pleaded, "Thea, please, I can't lose you. There are so many people who love you – Oliver, me, Felicity, John and Lyla, Walter … Roy. We can't lose you, Thea, we can't." Laurel felt Thea wobble in her arms like she was struggling to stand, and Laurel lowered them both to the ground, never loosening her grip on Thea.
Laurel hugged Thea into her side, stroking her hair gently and said, desperation to be heard and believed by Thea clear in her voice. "Thea, you are so strong. I know this hurts sweetheart, I know you hurt." Laurel could feel the tears well in her own eyes as if she was feeling Thea's pain. "But please, you have to hold on, Thea. It will get better – it has to. Please hold on, for me?"
Minutes felt like hours, but finally Thea's sobs slowed. Laurel loosened her ensnaring hug and, leaving one arm around Thea's shoulder, reached with the other into her bag and drew out the blanket. Laurel tucked the blanket around Thea's bare shoulders and shivering figure. Then she pulled out the bottle of water and held it out. Thea gratefully seized it and gulped some water down her parched throat.
As they both sat in the silence of the dark night, Laurel said softly, "Thea, I know you're hurting right now, but I need to understand. You said you and Ollie had a fight tonight. What happened?"
Thea took in a hiccupping breath and let it out. "Walter called me. He thought I had talked to Ollie about … what happened. But I hadn't. Ollie went to Walter and pumped him for information behind my back." Laurel's heart sunk. The lunch with Walter. Damn it, Oliver. Thea let out a small sob, "When I went to tell Ollie off, he told me that he had to go behind my back because I left other kids vulnerable by not telling anyone." A fire of rage sprang into Laurel's body. How dare he. How dare he?!
"And he's right," Thea said with a pained moan. "Everything that happened, it happened because I never told anyone. It was my own fault I got hurt. I trusted the wrong person and I never told him no. I just always thought the only person that got hurt was me. I never thought …" Thea trailed off, burying her face in her hands to hide another sob.
Laurel worked hard to keep the fury out of her voice but could still feel the edge to her words which was not directed at all at Thea. "That is not true, Thea. You were a child." Laurel emphasized. "That man was an adult. He manipulated you and put you in a situation where you couldn't find a way to get help." Thea just shook her head, denying what Laurel was saying.
Laurel could feel herself getting fired up. "It's not because you were weak, Thea: it was survival. You did what you had to do to survive." Thea did her best to look away from Laurel, but Laurel could not have Thea shrugging off what Laurel was telling her. This was too important, and Thea had clearly been burdened for too long. Laurel put a gentle hand under Thea's chin and drew her face back and waited until Thea made eye contact.
Laurel said firmly, "Our bodies and our minds are amazing and they work to ensure that we survive. Your survival instinct was telling you to not fight back and to keep it a secret to keep yourself from being hurt. Your mind was protecting itself by making you think that it was something you were consenting to. But that doesn't mean you wanted it, Thea, and keeping it a secret doesn't mean you did something wrong."
Laurel gave a small sigh, feeling angry again as she considered Oliver's accusation towards Thea. "And as for other kids being hurt because you didn't tell anyone … Thea, you were clear that he told you that what he did with you was something special between you two. Of course as a twelve-year-old you would have believed that and never imagined that he would hurt someone else."
Thea's eyes darted away and she looked back towards the warm house above. Laurel felt like she was losing her again. Laurel wished there was a way she could make Thea know she was not alone, that what she experienced made her a survivor, not a sinner.
Laurel thought about her job at the prosecutor's office and said gently, "Thea, I work with men and women of all ages who have been victims of violent crimes: muggings, assaults … rape. So many of them start second-guessing themselves and thinking that there was something they could have done better or that somehow they should have saved themselves. But I need to be perfectly clear Thea – there is nothing they did wrong. And, Thea – the only person to blame for you is the person who purposefully hurt you. You did nothing wrong." Thea was still not looking at Laurel and Laurel felt her heart sink. "Thea," Laurel repeated, trying to break through. "You did nothing wrong."
Thea nodded her head vaguely and when she spoke her voice was weary. "Can we go home?" Laurel felt like she could almost see the barrier Thea was erecting to avoid what Laurel was telling her. Laurel watched Thea for a moment as the silence built. Exhaustion seemed to seep into Laurel, and she released a burst of air. "Yes," she said tiredly. "Let's go home."