Chapter 35 – All The World's A Stage

On a Monday morning early in February Umbridge and the Inquisition hadn't yet started their searches of students' belongings and quarters, but Harry wasn't holding out hope that they'd decided to forgo such a thing altogether. More likely was that Umbridge hadn't been able to secure quite the right level of permission for it and was waiting for it to be all properly legalised through the Wizengamot.

Tyranny through statute.

Or perhaps she was just waiting for all the nonsense with Miss Redfeather to wrap up. The whole affair had spent a couple of days in the newspapers before completely disappearing. There hadn't even been any details of what she'd been accused of, not exactly. Just vague assertions and speculation, gossip more than news.

Not that Harry had the time or the mental energy to worry about that.

But Blaise had come back from a meeting of the Inquisitorial Squad just before breakfast with news that it was still meant to go ahead. Just not necessarily on any defined schedule. But that was a problem for another day. Harry had a busy week ahead of him, and he didn't want to bother with all that nonsense until he absolutely had to.

"…I keep meaning to have my mum send them over," Blaise was saying, "but I haven't remembered to ask her yet. Do you think I should even bother with everything that's going on?"

Harry opened his mouth to respond to Blaise's question but got distracted by a tap on his shoulder. He turned to see who it was and saw Ginny Weasley standing behind him.

"Er… hello?" Harry said. He knew Ginny Weasley, of course. More than her simply being a Housemate of his from the year below, Harry had spent some time with her over the summer at the flight school and at the EDC Summer Tournament. But that hadn't translated to any sort of acquaintanceship outside of those events, so Harry wondered why she'd sought him out just then.

"Yeah, hi," Ginny said. "Don't worry—I'm not after anything. My brothers asked me to let you know they wanted to see you later today. Lunchtime at the statue in the Transfiguration Courtyard. Go or don't—I'm not bothered. But they didn't say what it was about when I asked them, so I can't say why they want to see you. If you do go then maybe be careful because they might be up to something. They usually are."

"Oh," Harry said. That hadn't been what he had been expecting. But then, he wasn't sure what he had been expecting. "Er. Thanks for letting me know. I'll be sure to meet with them. I'm sure it's nothing, er, weird."

"I'm not," Ginny said. "With them, it usually is."

Ordinarily Harry would have assumed it was something both weird and dangerous, given the twins' reputations, but since they'd caught him and Tracey leaving graffiti, Harry assumed it would be about that. Something along the lines of wanting to co-ordinate further, as they'd discussed. So Harry had no real worries about meeting up with them, although it was nice of Ginny to warn him.

"Thanks for the warning," Harry added. He didn't want her to think him ungrateful.

Ginny shrugged.

"It's only fair. See you," she said, and walked away to join her own friends at the table.

"I'm going to meet up with Fred and George later," Harry said to Tracey and Blaise, who were sat at either side of him.

"Yeah, we know," said Blaise slowly. "We're sat right here and we could hear you. We do have ears, you know."

"Oh, don't mind him," Tracey said. "He's just annoyed because Professor Flamel gave him a T on his last bit of homework." She paused. "But we did hear you speak with Ginny." She lowered her voice. "I wonder what it's about specifically? Hopefully something good. Or if not something good at least not bad news—there's been too much of that going around lately."

"Me too," Harry said. Knowing the twins it could be literally any kind of news, or no news at all. But surely for them to seek out Ginny and then to ask her to invite him to a meeting there was something afoot. Harry just had to wait until lunch time before he could find out just what it was. "I suppose I'll have to just wait until lunchtime."

"It'd better be something good," Blaise had said. "One more shitty day and I swear…"

Harry shrugged.

"There'll be loads more shitty days until this is all over, mate," Harry said. "Better get used to it." Before Blaise could complain, Harry continued. "Anyway, do you two reckon I should go on my own, or should the three of us go? All eight of us is a bit much I know, but just us three?"

Tracey shook her head.

"No, just you. Too many people at once is an unofficial and unsanctioned group activity, remember?" she said.

"And if you do get caught with the Weasley twins you can always pretend to be telling them off, since you're a prefect," Blaise added. "I don't imagine they'd mind that too much, honestly—they're always in trouble anyway."

Harry nodded.

"That's fair. I'll see them on my own, then," Harry said. He glanced over at Blaise. "What was it you were saying before Ginny came by? Sorry, we got distracted…"

At lunchtime Harry schlepped all the way out to the Transfiguration Courtyard to meet with the Weasley twins. It was out of his way, and it would make him late to lunch, but there was no point putting it off. He assumed the Weasley twins had good reason to meet with him.

Harry arrived at the statue in the Courtyard before either of the twins did. The Transfiguration Courtyard itself was deserted, as were the exterior walkways crossing over it. Everyone had hurried away to lunch. Harry had passed many other students on his way there, although fewer once he'd gone deeper into the castle.

So he stood beneath the statue waiting for the twins to arrive, taking in the quiet rushing of water and the occasional chirping bird. It was pleasant enough.

A few minutes after Harry had arrived the twins appeared. They seemed uncharacteristically subdued.

"Alright?" Harry said as they arrived.

"Yeah," said Fred.

"Great," said George.

"So, er, listen," they said together, then paused.

"You go," George said.

Fred nodded.

"Yeah. So. First off, we weren't sure this was anyone's business. I mean, there's loads of reasons why someone might use a different name—Mum had an uncle called Shirley, went by John—so we didn't think it mattered. But with the Inquisition and how everything's gone, and Arlecchino's been right up Umbridge's arse all year…"

"Yeah," Harry said, wondering where Fred was going.

"Anyway," Fred continued, "we've found out that Arlecchino is pretending to be someone else. His name's not actually Arlecchino. We saw on the Ma—well, anyway. He's someone called Corban Yaxley."

That was strange. Of course, there were any number of reasons for someone to go by a different name, and not all of them at all nefarious. But… a more prosaic explanation hardly seemed like it would be the case during the High Inquisition. Not with everything that was going on, and certainly not with Voldemort taking an active interest in the school's affairs.

Harry went over the various names of Death Eaters he knew in in his head. He didn't think Yaxley was one of them. Not one of the ones who'd sat trial after the War, anyway. Definitely not one of the ones who'd gone to Azkaban. Sirius and Remus had told him of more who'd never sat trial nor been accused, but he didn't think Corban Yaxley had numbered among them.

But the name did sound familiar.

"Yaxley, Yaxley," Harry muttered. "Why do I know that name?"

"There was a Yaxley in Slytherin," George said. "Lavinia. Fit, but a bit up herself. One of the prefects. Finished school last year."

"Right," Harry said. "I remember." George's description wasn't too far off the mark, at least as far as Harry remembered her, but she'd always been pleasant to him.

"So this Corban Yaxley bloke might be her brother, or an uncle, or maybe her father," Fred said. "He looks a bit old to be her brother but you never know, do you? Could be Polyjuice, or transfiguration, or metamorphmagery."

"It's like Fred said earlier," George continued. "We weren't going to say anything, since it's his business what name he uses, isn't it? But with everything that's happening it's just weird, right? Like, everyone knows of the Yaxleys. They're an old pureblood family. So it wouldn't be unusual for one of them to join the Inquisition. It's a proper Ministry thing. So why's this one gone and used a fake name?" George shrugged.

"There's just something strange about it," Fred finished. "So we thought we should let you know."

"Thanks," Harry said. He thought some more on it. Arlecchino – Corban Yaxley – had been acting strangely all year. Lurking about the Entrance Hall, ingratiating himself with Umbridge, being a general nuisance…

The Death Eater agent in Hogwarts? Harry wondered. It would make sense. Although Dumbledore had said he wasn't sure there was one, Harry thought that incredibly unlikely. It was much easier to believe that Voldemort had infiltrated the castle than it was to think he hadn't, and the vision…

"So we thought," Fred said, "maybe mention it to Dumbledore next time you see him."

"What?" said Harry. "What makes you think I'm seeing Dumbledore?"

"You were spending hours every Thursday night in his office," George said. "Doubt he'd disappear without letting you know where he's got to."

"How'd you know that?" Harry asked. That he'd had meetings with Dumbledore was common knowledge since it had been in the papers. That he'd spent hours every Thursday night in Dumbledore's office was less well known.

George looked shifty. Shiftier than usual, at any rate.

"And you knew Arlecchino was really Corban Yaxley," continued Harry. "How'd you figure that out? Did you just overhear him telling someone? Spy on one of his letters?"

Unlikely. Very unlikely.

Of course, Harry knew of a way the twins could figure out both of those things very easily. Sirius's Map. The Map made by Harry's father, Sirius, Remus and … Wormtail. But surely the twins hadn't found it and somehow worked out its secrets.

Except that that fit perfectly. The Weasley twins were well-known for being able to get everywhere and do it without being seen. They were even well-known for being able to find people at inopportune times. They had done so when they'd found Harry and Tracey, even. It had always been strange that they'd happened upon each other at precisely the right time for them both to be attempting to graffiti the same part of the school. There was even what Fred had been about to say earlier – Harry would have sworn he was about to say 'map'.

And given that the Map showed both a person's location in the castle along with their true name, it was an easy explanation.

"You're the ones who've got the Map!" Harry said. It was a gamble to mention the Map, but Harry felt sure that the twins had it. Sirius had complained that it had gone missing from Filch's office, which was why he'd never been able to find it.

He'd even tasked Harry was trying to find the damned thing, although Harry hadn't the foggiest where to begin looking. It was meant to be an entirely unremarkable scrap of parchment. Not to mention all the pressures on Harry's time making it difficult for him to do what he already wanted to do, let alone what Sirius wanted him to do as well.

But the facts all fit together. The twins were terrors who could appear seemingly anywhere in the castle whenever they liked. They nearly always managed to get around without being caught, and they'd happened upon Harry and Tracey easily enough.

"My dad made it," Harry added. "Which is how I know about it. And, er, I've met the other ones."

For a few moments, silence. Then, after looking at one another and nodding, Fred spoke.

"We've got the Map," Fred confirmed. "We found it in Filch's office. Which one was your dad?"

Which one was… Harry thought. Literally everyone in the wizarding world knew James Potter, and that Harry was his son. What an odd question…

And then he remembered that Sirius had said his father, Sirius, Remus and Wormtail had used their nicknames on the map. Some sort of concealment spell that made it look like a joke bit of parchment.

"Oh, you mean… er, he was Prongs," Harry said.

"Who were the others?" asked George. "Moony, Padfoot, and Wormtail. You've met them all?"

"I don't—it's just, I'm not sure they'd want me to say—er, it doesn't matter right now," Harry said vaguely, keen to avoid discussion of Sirius and Wormtail, and aware that Remus perhaps might not want students knowing about his mischievous past. "And it's not like I want it from you, or anything—you can keep it," Harry said. "I just… if you do have the map, then that means Arlecchino really is Corban Yaxley. S—er, the Map is apparently never wrong about that." Harry paused. "Or so I've been told."

Although it would have been nice to get his hands on the Map. If nothing else it would be the perfect tool for leaving graffiti and sneaking about the school late at night. Failing that, if he could get some idea of the spells his father and Sirius and the others had used, he could try to reproduce it. Or something like it.

"Well… I suppose the Map is technically yours," Fred said slowly, "since your dad made it. But we're keeping it for a while longer. It's dead useful—basically everything we've managed to do was because of the Marauders. We put our own twist on it but…"

"All the secret passages they found," added George. "With all the passwords. It's amazing."

"I'm sure," Harry said. "So. Yaxley. I'll make sure the name gets somewhere useful," Harry said. He didn't want to outright confirm he was speaking with Dumbledore – or could get in contact with him, anyway – since that seemed unwise, but the twins really had been helpful, and he wanted them to know that he was going to do something about what they'd said.

Especially because he didn't want them keeping any further morsels to themselves.

"Good," said George.

"Oh yeah," Harry added, "I spoke with everyone about working together and they're all in. I won't tell them about the Map, but it could be really helpful since, er, a few of us have got a bit worried about being caught. So just let me or Tracey know about what we can do together and we'll work something out."

"Oh yeah?" Fred said. "Well, fair enough. We're working on something big for the corridor outside Umbridge's office, but it's not ready yet. We'll need someone good with charms to help…"

"Well, we won't need it," George said, "but it would be useful."

"Daphne or Susan, then," Harry said. "We can help with that. Er—one last thing before we go. I might have heard something about Umbridge planning to search the Common Rooms and dorms for… stuff. No idea what, but you know what the Inquisition's like. So… just thought you might like to know." The twins had, after all, given up Yaxley's name and hadn't even lied about the Map. So Harry felt like it was only fair to tell them about something that could have a major impact on them.

Would definitely have a major impact on them, as if Harry knew either of the twins at all, they would be sure to have all sorts of contraband.

"Do you know when?" Fred asked immediately. "It's not today, is it?"

Harry shrugged.

"No one knows," Harry said. "Could be any time now—she's been threatening it for a while. Since they searched the teachers. I only know about it because she told the Squad—Blaise is on it. But I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone else. Blaise really doesn't want to get in trouble. Umbridge said it's expulsions and snapped wands if this gets out."

There. The twins had given him two very useful pieces of information. It was only fair Harry give something in return.

"Hmm," George said, frowning. "It's not ideal, but we can manage that. Thanks for letting us know."

"Well, we're meant to be working together," Harry said. "And, er—if you see anything else weird on the Map please let me know about it. It could be important."

"Yeah, fair enough," George said.

"So… we all good to go back to lunch?" Harry asked. The twins agreed, and that was that. Harry had a big piece of news to get back to his friends, and a brand new problem to deal with: what exactly to do about Arlecchino. Or rather, Corban Yaxley.

Resolving to get in touch with Sirius through the mirror at his earliest opportunity, Harry headed back to the Great Hall to finally sit down for a brief lunch.

Harry didn't wait long to get in touch with Sirius. After lessons that day he nipped into the Chamber of Secrets to grab the two-way mirror. He stopped briefly to chat with the basilisk but couldn't justify spending too long with it as he had quite a lot of work to do. So instead, he took out the mirror and sat on the bed while he waited for Sirius to answer.

"Sirius," Harry said to the mirror, and waited. Sirius didn't answer immediately, which left Harry sat on the bed with nothing much to do. If he'd thought to bring a book… well, he supposed there was enough left in Slytherin's study that he could grab something there, but the moment he did was probably going to be when Sirius answered anyway.

"Harry?" said Sirius after a while, his face appearing in the mirror instead of Harry's own. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," Harry said. "Not exactly. But it's not a social call—I've got a bit of news. Fred and George Weasley have got the Map. I figured it out earlier today when they told me that… well, so, you know that Inquisitor, Arlecchino? Well, apparently, on the Map his name is actually Corban Yaxley."

"Corban Yaxley," murmured Sirius. "I've heard of him. Not the most outgoing wizard. Corban Yaxley…" He tapped his cheek. "Don't think he was one of the Death Eaters from the last war. Then again, there were some whose identity we never learned, so it's possible… What's he like, this Yaxley?" He paused. "Arlecchino, I mean. You know, the character he's put on."

"Weird," Harry said. "A bit creepy. He's not—he doesn't seem nasty or cruel, just… I don't know. Always watching. He's interested in Mr Flamel. I don't know why."

"Well, be careful around him," Sirius cautioned. "I know you're not reckless but… you just never know. I'll tell Dumbledore about this straight away."

"Brilliant! Thanks, Sirius," Harry said. "It might be nothing, but I just wanted to be sure. And I know Dumbledore said he wasn't sure if there was someone in Hogwarts, but I think there is, and it's Arlecchino. Yaxley. And, er—I probably won't be able to use the mirror much. I know I said I'd use it more, but Umbridge to look through Common Rooms and dorms, so I've had to stash it somewhere. Just in case. But don't worry because it's really well hidden. Like, somewhere not even you could find it. Not even with the Map."

Sirius raised an eyebrow.

"Oh? And you're sure of that, are you? I did get around that castle when I was your age, you know."

Harry grinned.

"I can promise you that you never came to this part. And no, I'll not tell you where it is. Not yet anyway."

"Ah, well, now you've definitely piqued my interest," Sirius said. "As long as you tell me the next time we meet in person, eh? Can't stand the idea there's somewhere else we never found, especially after we missed the Room of Requirement."

"I'll let you know, I promise," Harry said. He didn't want to keep the Chamber of Secrets a secret from everyone. Just most people. And he'd have told Dumbledore except Dumbledore had suggested there were many things it was simply better for him not to know, so Harry hadn't said. But it was probably a good idea for Dumbledore to learn about the giant, ancient basilisk slithering around underneath Hogwarts.

Which also snuck out of the castle at times to go hunting in the Forest. So there was that.

"Right," Harry said, "I can't stick around—I've got to get back before anyone notices I'm gone. It's all a bit grim at the castle, to be honest. Inquisitors roaming the halls, Umbridge has even got that Inquisitorial Squad of hers now. I haven't spoken to you since it's happened, but she's even let them in the Prefects' Bathrooms—so there's nowhere to hide from them now. It's a right ball ache."

"You've obviously found somewhere," Sirius said. "But I get what you mean. Just be careful—all this, the Inquisition, it's just temporary. They won't stick around forever. Not even Fudge has got the stomach for that and—well, you've seen him. He's got the stomach for most things, I'd say."

Harry grinned.

"Right. Thanks for the advice, Sirius! I'll try and get in touch again, but it's hard… And make sure you tell Dumbledore about Yaxley. It could be nothing, but it could be something really important as well."

"I'll tell him right away," Sirius said. "Go on—don't stick around. Get back before anyone notices you."

Harry nodded.

"Thanks, Sirius! I'll see you soon." Harry cancelled the mirror's connection and placed it back on the bed. After a brief conversation with the basilisk – and a promise to bring it more food – Harry returned to the upper parts of the castle to attend dinner with everyone else.

With Dumbledore told about Corban Yaxley Harry felt much better about the whole thing. Dumbledore himself was unlikely to be able to do much about it, but Harry supposed he could task Moody or whoever with finding out more, and that would be fine.

Harry had wanted to observe Arlecchino – Yaxley – at dinner, but he wasn't there. That wasn't too unusual, especially for the Inquisitors, even the ones who lived full time at the castle. Harry supposed there was something especially unpleasant about sitting to eat meals at a table where everyone else hated you, so that did make a lot of sense.

Not that Umbridge seemed to mind.

February dragged on without much interesting for Harry. Ahead of the second Alchemy practical he had rather a lot of work to be done anyway, from choosing his particular set of reagents to coming up with an invocation that made the best use of the most appropriate symbolisms. So most of his time was taken up by that, his prefect duties, and whenever he had any time at all – which wasn't often and never much – doing literally everything else he had to do.

Of course, it didn't help at all that Lockhart kept having Harry attend mandatory 'homework' sessions every Tuesday evening after lessons had ended. The tasks were marginally more interesting than doing Lockhart's actual homework assignments, but only just, and only because Lockhart occasionally had something worthwhile to say.

But only occasionally.

And there had been no further intrusions by the Inquisition into Lockhart's office in stark contrast to how the other teachers had been faring. They were subjected to all sorts of inspections at seemingly any and every time of day.

"Oh, we've got a right treat lined up for tomorrow," Lockhart was saying to Harry as they answered his letters. "I shan't be telling you of course because it's a surprise—even from celebrities like yourself, I'm afraid!—but I do think you'll enjoy it. As I said, a real treat."

"Tomorrow?" Harry echoed. He didn't have lessons with Lockhart on Wednesdays. So if Lockhart had a surprise ready, that must have meant… well, something. And it was unlikely to be something that was any good for Harry no matter what Lockhart said or thought.

Tomorrow didn't seem like anything especially important, either. It was just any random Wednesday in February, at least as far as Harry…

"Oh," Harry said with much more disappointment and distaste than he'd intended. "Valentine's Day."

"Ah, should have realised you'd have caught that!" Lockhart said. "Clever boy. Yes, of course—for Valentine's Day. I've got something very special planned indeed. So all I'll say is—if you've got any special girls or boys you'd like to impress, get thinking about it tonight. You'll have a chance to get it done until Friday, so there's no need to worry about that."

Harry suppressed his groan. Three whole days of whatever Lockhart had planned was sure to be torture, whatever it actually ended up being. Although there was a chance Umbridge would cancel it if she thought it might be any fun, so there was always that to look forward to.

"Er, thanks for the warning," Harry decided to say. Not that he had anyone he wanted to send a Valentine's message to in the first place. He was a bit busy for all that, and even if he hadn't been, it wasn't as if he'd spent any effort thinking about which of the girls he knew might like him like that. And it would just be far too embarrassing to say anything to a girl who didn't like him back.

Or even worse if he said something to a girl who was already his friend, and then she didn't… and then…

Ugh, Harry thought. Not at all what he'd wanted to have to think about.

"Ah, to be young and in love again!" Lockhart said wistfully. Harry glanced over at him. Lockhart wasn't old to begin with. He was the youngest member of staff, discounting the apprentices, and given the content of some of his letters Harry thought love wasn't exactly on Lockhart's agenda. But he didn't want to get drawn into one of Lockhart's pointless reminiscences.

"The bloke in this letter's wishing you a happy Valentine's Day," Harry decided to say instead. "I think he wants one of the, er, the scented letters back."

"And we shall give it to him!" Lockhart declared. "You know where to find them."

"Right, Professor," Harry said. He grabbed one. "And, er, what shall I say…? Only, I think he might want a more personal response than, er, I'm prepared to write…"

Lockhart sighed theatrically.

"Then let me write it, Harry my lad," Lockhart said, taking the letter. After a few moments he spoke. "Do you have anyone special you'd like to surprise tomorrow? If you let me know tonight I can get it arranged for you! My treat."

"Er, no," Harry said. "I'm not… ah… I'm just really busy and with everything going on… you know…"

While that was all true, it was also just terminally embarrassing to be discussing that sort of thing with any of his teachers, let alone Gilderoy Lockhart. Harry could have had a very obvious thing for someone, something which everyone else in the castle knew about, and he'd still not want to sit there chatting about it with Lockhart.

"Ah, well, there's always time, I suppose," Lockhart said. "You're young yet, after all. Why, I'm not even past my best years yet and I'm at least a decade older than you are!"

And the rest, thought Harry, although Lockhart was the youngest member of staff so perhaps he wasn't that much older than twenty-five.

"Keep an eye out tomorrow and if you get any sudden urges to declare your undying devotion to anyone, do take advantage of the little… surprise… I've put on," Lockhart continued.

"Er, right," Harry said. "I'll, um, do that."

Lockhart spent the rest of their evening homework session attempting to get Harry to ask him again what the surprise was, but Harry didn't give in. As much as he did want to be warned, he didn't want it enough to sink so low as to play Lockhart's little games, so he left it alone.

By the time Lockhart finally dismissed him, Harry was well and truly ready for bed. He couldn't actually go right away, though. Instead, Harry settled down in the Common Room with his friends to get some of his homework done before eventually making his way to the dorms for some much-needed sleep.

The next morning Harry awoke and headed up to breakfast with his friends, mindful of Lockhart's 'surprise'. By the time Harry got to the Entrance Hall it was perfectly clear that Lockhart had been given more or less free rein to decorate the castle as he'd wanted.

Adorning the walls of the Entrance Hall were gigantic pink and red hearts, roses, and all sorts of other kitschy, 'romantic' tat. Rose petals rained from the ceiling in a never ending stream, while music played from an enchanted orchestra. Harry turned to remark on the general tackiness of it all, but stopped when he realised his words would be lost on Tracey.

"Ooh, it's so romantic!" Tracey was saying to Daphne. "They've never decorated for Valentine's Day before, but I like it! It's just so festive."

"I know!" Daphne said. "And it matches my hairclip, look!"

"Girls," muttered Blaise. "Well, let's get into breakfast, shall we? Can't be any worse than all this."

If the décor was the extent of Lockhart's meddling, Harry thought he could probably put up with the Valentine's Day surprise. Unfortunately Harry didn't think that Lockhart was capable of holding off, and it seemed likely that the decorations were the least he'd been able to do.

And no doubt Umbridge had given him full permission to do whatever he liked, as Umbridge fancied him and probably loved pink hearts and roses and all of that.

"Ugh," Harry said. "And this isn't going to be the worst of it," he added to Blaise. "Lockhart said last night he had something special planned for today but wouldn't say what it was. Doubt he'd have been so cagey just for all this bollocks."

Inside of the Great Hall it was more of the same. The usual House banners were still there, but Lockhart had added every bit of Valentine's Day decoration that he could think of, and more. Hearts and clouds; roses and other flowers all done up into knots; while doves and bluebirds flitted around the Great Hall; and for some bizarre reason even giant wooden spoons had been strung up all over the place.

Harry looked up at the High Table. Some of the teachers seemed just as put off by the whole thing as Harry was, but there were others who seemed charmed by it all. Lockhart sat at the table beaming, while Umbridge…

Harry stifled a laugh. He nudged Blaise.

"Look up at Umbridge. See her hair? She's wearing the same clip as Daphne."

Blaise sniggered.

"Oi, Daph!" Blaise said, reaching out to tap Daphne on the shoulder. "Umbridge has got the same clip as you on."

Daphne stopped dead in the middle of the Great Hall, causing a handful of students to make a hasty correction of their courses. One of her hands flew to her hair.

"Oh no!" she cried. "She really does!" Daphne sighed. "I really liked this clip as well… Mummy bought it for me…"

"It's still a really nice clip!" Tracey said.

"And you look way fitter with it than Umbridge ever could," Millicent added. "Ignore the boys—they're just jealous you're in love and they're just … alone."

Daphne glared at Blaise, then at Harry.

"I'm not the one who said anything!" Harry protested.

"He's the one who told me about it," Blaise said.

"Dick," Harry said.

"Hmph!" said Daphne. "Come on, girls—let's sit on our own today. Leave the boys to it."

The three girls stomped off to eat breakfast together, but without Harry and Blaise, leaving the two boys stood alone off to the side of the Slytherin Table.

"It was only a joke," Blaise said. "I didn't mean anything by it…"

Harry shrugged.

"Well, you know how Daphne is about fashion," he said. "Let's just sit down before the table fills up too much and we're stuck by the first years."

The rain of rose petals was still happening in the Great Hall, but fortunately it avoided the tables, so Harry wouldn't have to fish rose petals out of his cornflakes. That was one small positive, he supposed.

They found a space to sit a few feet away from the girls and got started with breakfast. It went well enough until Umbridge got up at the very end to give an announcement. That in itself was hardly unusual, as since she'd taken over the school her announcements were more frequent than ever, but it was just as unwanted as it had been the first time.

"Hem, hem," Umbridge began. "I have an announcement. Today, being as it is Valentine's Day, a day of romance and love and all sorts of lovely things, I have elected to decorate the school in proper festive fashion. You have all made such good progress in your behavioural adjustments following on from Christmas, and it is only right that you are given a reward for such positive steps. Indeed, that is precisely why I have decided that next weekend shall see the resumption of Hogsmeade weekends—something which I know you have all been waiting for since the interruption."

Umbridge smiled widely.

"Of course, it would be remiss of me not to give due praise to Professor Lockhart, whose lobbying on behalf of the student body was part of why I have decided to allow such festivities. But we shall not simply be allowed a Hogsmeade weekend and cosy decoration—Professor Lockhart has very graciously organised something much more exciting for us all. Indeed, I shall allow him to explain."

Umbridge glanced at Lockhart, smiled, and then sat down. She actually seemed really, genuinely happy at how things were going, which was … nice, Harry supposed. At least it was an indication that she didn't live solely for her nastiness and bile, even if what she did enjoy wasn't to Harry's own tastes.

"Thank you very much, High Inquisitor!" Lockhart said. "I was very pleased to work with you on this! It is ever so important to reward our young people, after all, and Valentine's Day is a day dear to my own heart! A love that we both share, it seems! And how lucky you all are," Lockhart said, turning towards the students once more, "because you have something fabulous in store for you this week! First of all I would like to thank each of the forty-six people who have already seen fit to grace me with a Valentine's Day card—I am ever so grateful and it really warms my heart to see such an outpouring of love! Marvellous, simply marvellous!"

Lockhart paused.

"But it doesn't end there! As grateful as I am, I have organised a little surprise—for the rest of this week my fabulous card-carrying-cupids will be roaming the school and the grounds ready and waiting for you all to send your billets doux, amorous epistles, letters of love to one another! All free of charge, of course!"

As Lockhart finished speaking a bunch of dwarfs stormed into the Great Hall. They were dressed like Cupid, complete with false wings, holding bows with arrows tipped with love hearts. Harry felt like it was all a bit much, even for Lockhart.

Even for a combination of Umbridge and Lockhart. And the dwarfs didn't seem too happy at the role either, although Harry supposed they had taken the job on.

"Right on time!" Lockhart said. "Yes, our friendly cadre of cupids will be hovering around the castle waiting to fulfil your Valentine's needs until Friday evening! So if you have anyone you'd like to send a Valentine's message, avail yourself of their services! I have been assured that they will see every single message delivered to the proper recipient and will also deliver anonymous tidings of love and cheer—perfect if you haven't quite worked up the courage to let your potential paramour know just yet!"

Harry groaned. As if it could get any worse. He just hoped no one had anything for him, at least not with a name attached, since that really would be too awkward to be getting on with. Nobody needed that.

"But don't think that's all!" continued Lockhart. "No, I'm sure our other professors will want to get in on the fun! Let me tell you, Professor Flitwick is a master with Entrancing Enchantments, and I'm quite sure that Professor Snape has brewed a Love Potion or two in his day! And I'm sure they'd be more than willing to lend a hand if you ask them the right way!" Lockhart winked. "And that's all I've got for you today. Have a wonderful Valentine's Day!"

Lockhart sat down.

Flitwick had buried his head in his hands, while Snape looked furious, his lips curled into an expression of distaste so powerful that Harry thought it could curdle milk. But then breakfast was over, and the students flooded from the Great Hall in a great big mass.

"This Valentine's thing doesn't sound that bad," Blaise was saying to Harry as they left.

Harry grimaced.

"Not you, too."

"No, hear me out," Blaise said. "It's a nice little boost if you get some, isn't it? You know, someone likes you enough to send you a message using the cupids or whatever—makes you feel nice and, more importantly, lets the other girls know they've got some competition. Good vibes all round. Of course," Blaise continued, "that's only if you get some. If you don't get any you look like a berk and your stock goes even lower." He paused. "But I doubt that will happen to either of us. Well, maybe you—the whole Boy-Who-Lived thing might put them off. But I should be alright because I'm rich and handsome and good at duelling, so…"

And that was something Harry hadn't considered at all, but which he was now going to worry about until he got a stupid Valentine's Day message from Lockhart's stupid cupids.

"I didn't even think about that!" Harry lamented as they made their way out from breakfast. "If I really don't get one," Harry said before they parted ways, "send me one? Anonymously, obviously—you know, just so it doesn't look sad. I'll do one for you as well."

Blaise considered it.

"Alright, deal," he said. "Not that it'll happen but we've got to have a backup plan, I suppose. See you later."

Harry went off to his lessons, half paying attention to the actual class content and half worrying about not getting any of Lockhart's stupid Valentine's Day messages. Not that he had any time or spare mental energy for it, given everything that was going on, but it happened all the same.

Fortunately for Harry, a stocky and frown-faced dwarf kicked the door in halfway through Ancient Runes with Babbling and announced a litany of messages – one of which was for Harry from an anonymous admirer. As mortifying as it had been, Harry was glad to have had at least one.

But his relief quickly turned to exasperation as it kept happening throughout the day, and even for the rest of the week.