Author's notes: For the longest time, I had no more ideas for this story than that I had to follow up on Haruhi's promise in "Just a Ghost from Another World" to introduce Kyon to her aunt Kanae, presumably with a visit to her place. For some reason, I eventually attached that idea to the idea used in chapter 1, even though I didn't see any relation between them at the time. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I kept right on thinking that I had an idea for a novel or novella here.
Then at last, it occurred to that the biggest piece missing here was a theme. I usually attach some sort of meaning to my stories without even applying conscious effort to it, but this time I had to sit down and give it a think. As soon as I did, though, I saw the obvious thematic connection between the two aforementioned ideas. And then further ideas started sprouting from that theme.
This should be my last Haruhi Suzumiya story set in the high school era of normal continuity; after this I plan to finally start covering Haruhi's college years. Hope you guys enjoy this one. As always, I greatly appreciate hearing all your thoughts on my work.
This story's cover art was drawn by Pierce. I am again most thankful to him for doing such beautiful work; I couldn't have imagined any better, much less drawn it.
The characters and milieu of this fan fiction work are property of Nagaru Tanigawa, Kyoto Animation, and Funimation, except for Aunt Kanae and Yui Ishigaki, who are my creations.
Haruhi Suzumiya Versus Death
- Chapter 1: The Session -
"I had the dream where Kyon falls again."
Tell me about it.
"I'm standing outside North High. I don't really know what I'm doing there. It feels like something called me there."
What sort of something?
"Not anything, really. I just knew I had to be there. The school seems so small as I'm standing there. It doesn't even come up to my knees. There's a hole in the wall, and through it I see people the size of beetles. They seem to be fighting each other with supernatural powers, like a movie, but I can't quite make out what's going on. Then I see Kyon there, and he's falling."
What made him fall? Could you tell this time?
"No. I just know I have to save him. I reach out my giant hand, palm up, so that I can catch him without crushing him. He lands inside my hand, and he seems so fragile. But I'm not going to let anything hurt him. That's when I usually wake up, but this time..."
Go on. What else happened this time?
"I wouldn't say that anything else happened. It's just that this time, I realize that there's more than one person in my hand. Kyon is holding on to someone. He's holding onto them so tightly that it's like he cares more about that person's safety than his own. ...Me."
You what?
"Me, I'm the person he's holding onto. And I see him open his eyes and look up at me, I mean the me that's having the dream, but he doesn't seem to know it's me."
What makes you say that?
"He doesn't look at me the same. It's like there's some sort of recognition, but no familiarity. Like he's seen me before, but not like he's talked to me practically every day for the past year and a half. And then he turns back to Little Me, the one unconscious in his arms, and he kisses her."
How does that make you feel?
"Thinking back, I know I should have been angry at him for taking advantage of an unconscious damsel. Except that the instant he does it, the whole perspective changes, and suddenly I'm the Haruhi he's kissing, and I'm definitely not unconscious. My heart is pounding with excitement, just like in a silly romance novel. I don't know why; I mean, he has kissed me before... Wait – no, he hasn't...
"...Huh."
What is it?
"I was thinking of another dream I had, over a year ago. It was about me going to this exciting new world, but Kyon didn't want to go with me. I could never remember how that dream ended before, but now I do. Kyon kissed me. Why do you think I suddenly remembered that now?"
It could be connected to your other dream suddenly having a new ending where Kyon kisses you. An attraction to him that was dwelling in your subconscious may be rising to the surface.
"If that was it, wouldn't I be kissing him instead of the other way around?"
Your dreams express your desires. He's never kissed you in real life, correct?
"Yeah – and I'd rather he didn't. It's like killing people with a samurai sword, you know? In a dream it was fun, but that doesn't mean you want to do it for real."
Miss Suzumiya, may I make an observation?
"Fire away."
You spend most of your time here talking about Kyon. Do you have any idea why that is?
"I know exactly why that is."
Tell me.
"You want me to be brutally honest?"
Go right ahead.
"...Okay. I know you're just doing your job that you were paid for, but I really don't need psychiatric help. I don't repress my problems, and I don't need help figuring out how to deal with them. I can handle anything life throws at me without someone to tell me that all my problems are my parents' fault. But my mom is paying you an arm and a leg for these sessions, so I might as well talk during them, right?"
Actually, a few weeks ago your mother's health insurance started covering these sessions, so she's not paying anything for them.
"Huh? Since when does health insurance cover things like elective psychiatric sessions?"
I don't know anything about that. All I know is they've been paying the bills.
"...Well, whatever. The point is, I have to be here to keep my mom happy, so I might as well make the most of it."
You said you would tell me why you spend most of your time talking about Kyon.
"I'm getting to that. Like I said, I don't need psychiatric treatment, so the best way I can use this time is talking about things I can't talk about with my family and friends. Right? Only I can talk to Kyon about anything. He listens to me, and keeps any secrets I tell him, and he's interested in all the things I'm interested in, and I don't need to worry that he'll stop being my friend just because I tell him the truth. The only things I can't talk to Kyon about are things that have to do with Kyon himself. Like that dream. I mean, I told him about most of the dream, but if I told him about that kiss, he'd be too embarrassed to come up with any useful comment."
And you can't talk about those things with your other friends?
"I don't like talking with them about Kyon. They have the wrong idea about me and him."
How do you mean?
"Oh, they're always talking about he's so considerate and so 'cu-u-ute', and how I'm always so unfair and unappreciative of him. They think he's hung up on me and I'm taking advantage of it."
Are you sure that you aren't?
"Of course. Kyon's got great potential, but he's so lazy and unmotivated that he can't even take care of himself. That's why I have to push him hard and not give him any reward for a second-best effort. Otherwise he'll end up as a starving bum once he graduates."
Why do you feel responsible for that?
"We've gotten way off the subject. You have to tell me why I keep having this dream with Kyon falling."
I do?
"That's your job. If all psychiatrists had to do was listen, you wouldn't need that expensive degree and license."
Sometimes answering all of a patient's questions isn't the best way for a therapist to do their job. It can even be counterproductive. Don't you have your own theory for why you keep having this dream?
"Sure, but why should I guess when I can just have you give me the answer?"
All right. As you've just told me, you feel responsible for Kyon being self-sufficient. Your dream is an expression of your fear that he is failing at his studies and his personal survival skills, and your desire to save him.
"So I'm going to keep having this dream until Kyon shapes up?"
I don't think so, but it's not impossible.
"What a pain. I hate reoccurring dreams. Once is enough, you know? Plus, I feel so helpless when I wake up. I can't turn into a giant in real life, so if Kyon ever fell like that, I wouldn't be able to save him."
Do you feel like you are failing in your efforts to make him self-sufficient?
"Huh? No, I think he's pulling through. Kyon's a lot of work, but he does pretty well when he actually makes the effort. What I'm worried about is him dying! He's so reckless, so ready to throw himself into danger to protect his friends, and ever since that time he fell down the stairs, I've been having these dreams more and more often."
That incident is the main reason your mother set you up with these sessions.
"Yeah, I know. Parents don't like it when you miss school and stay at someone's hospital bedside 24/7. But that doesn't mean I have any use for a psychiatrist. I mean, you can't save Kyon if he's in danger, and you can't make me stop caring about him, so there's really nothing at all you can do about the problem, right? Mom just felt like she had to do something for me. If you can tell her something to make her realize she doesn't have to worry about me so much, I'd appreciate it. I don't expect you to, though. The more sessions you have with me, the more money you make."
You should worry less yourself. Just because Kyon almost died once doesn't mean it will happen again.
"I know that. But it could happen again. And if Kyon dies, I don't think I could handle it. I mean, maybe when I'm ninety-something, or even seventy, I'll be ready to live in a world where Kyon is dead. But before then..."
You should try working on that, then. Be less reliant on him.
"I'm not reliant on him. It's just that the world's a much more happy and exciting place so long as he's in it, even when he's not around."
But that means that the world is a much sadder place if you lose him, doesn't it?
"That's just a relative thing. I got on fine before he came along, and I can get along even better without him now that I have other friends. Anyway, what's so bad about not wanting someone to die? Don't you have anyone who you wish wouldn't die until after you do?"
My children.
"Well, do you think you're too reliant on them?"
No.
"There you go."
That's not quite the same thing. Children are your family, and they're a generation younger than you, so it's natural to expect them to live on after you.
"Not really. To survive to adulthood, kids have to escape all kinds of dangers that adults aren't at nearly as much risk for, like suicide, drug overdoses, and school shootings. And that's without even getting into infant mortality, which even in Japan is -"
Nonetheless, I think you should consider spending more time with your other friends, and not quite so much with Kyon.
"It's not my fault that they seated me behind him in class. What am I supposed to do, ignore him? Or are you seriously going to suggest that I kick him out of the SOS Brigade?"
No, but perhaps not spend all your free time on SOS Brigade activities.
"I don't spend all my free time on SOS Brigade activities. Just last weekend I had a sleepover with Yui, Tsuruya, Yoshimi, and Yuki. I invited Mikuru too, but she didn't want to come. And this weekend I'll be visiting my Aunt Kanae. I'm bringing Kyon, because I promised I'd introduce him to her. Oh, and a couple weeks ago one of the girls on my volleyball team had a big party. There weren't even any other SOS Brigade members there."
Was that fun?
"Oh, yeah. I wasn't sure about it when they asked me, but Kyon said I should go, and it turned out to be a blast. We didn't really do anything extraordinary, but it was just fun. We chatted, and played cards, and swam in their backyard pool. The only thing was, a couple of the guys there hit on me. I haven't had that happen in a while. But even that wasn't so bad. I mean, it was nice to know I could still go out with any guy I want, if I wanted to. And they laid off as soon as I told them I have a boyfriend."
Do you have a boyfriend?
"No. I'm just not interested in dating right now."
Why didn't you tell them that?
"I don't know. I guess I figured they might keep trying if that was my only reason."
Was that your only reason? Or do you think of Kyon as your boyfriend?
"Of course not. I dumped him months ago, and I already told you, I'm not interested in dating right now. Weren't you listening?"
I don't mean necessarily dating. Perhaps you think you're having an emotional affair with him.
"Well, maybe. But even if we are, that doesn't mean I can't go out with other guys. Hey – are you saying I should do that? To make myself less 'reliant' on Kyon? I already told you, I'm not reliant on him, but maybe that's not such a bad idea."
I didn't -
"No, nevermind. If I did that, Kyon would get jealous, and when Kyon gets jealous he doesn't try to one-up his rival or even bicker with me, he just gets all grouchy and despondent, and there's nothing more annoying than Kyon when he's grouchy and despondent. I mean, it's like trying to get a sloth to catch a train on time. Hey look, it's 3:56! This is a pretty good point to wrap up the session, right? I mean, starting on something new now would be a bad idea, when we might have to stop for your next appointment. Okay, I'm gone!"
Actually -
"See you next month, Doctor Uchida!"
Sonou Mori put away her ear piece and waited for Dr. Uchida to arrive. She already had several questions ready, but it was best that the doctor be kept unaware that the Agency was listening in on Miss Suzumiya's sessions. She would have to wait until Dr. Uchida told her about an item before she could ask about it.
The door swung open, and Dr. Uchida stepped in with a sigh. "How did it go?" Mori asked.
"She ran out on the session five minutes early, as usual." She took her seat opposite Mori. If her sigh indicated exasperation, she did not let it show in her pose, which was firm and professional.
"Is she hiding something from you, then?"
"I thought so at first, but there's no consistency to what subject she walks out on. I think she's simply bored by our sessions." Uchida sighed again. "She's a smart girl, you know. She realizes that she doesn't really need psychotherapy."
Mori did not allow herself to show how weary she was of this little game Uchida played. The violation of patient confidentiality weighed on Uchida's conscience, but she could not ignore the obligation she owed the Agency for getting her back her license to practice, so instead she quietly hinted at the supposed wrongs they were committing against Miss Suzumiya, as if that would somehow transfer the responsibility onto the Agency's shoulders. "That's her mother's call, not hers."
"Yes, but her mother is wrong. Haruhi Suzumiya is a strange girl, but reasonably well-adjusted. She also didn't buy the health insurance explanation you cooked up."
"No matter. There's a long way between that and finding out that her sessions are being funded by my agency." According to Koizumi's reports, Miss Suzumiya had a tendency to abandon investigations midway through, so she wasn't worried on that front. "What did you discuss?"
Dr. Uchida told her about the dream, and the interpretation she gave Miss Suzumiya.
"And what is the dream's real meaning?"
"Very straightforward. Fear of death." After a pause, she added, "It's more common in teenagers than you would think."
"Is that so?" She retained her surface cool as naturally as breathing, though it would be hard to recall a time when she had felt greater alarm. She wanted to believe, with all her heart, that Koizumi was right in his assurances that Haruhi Suzumiya was more stable now then ever and that the usages of her power were rarer and reflected a greater sense of responsibility. But Koizumi had developed an emotional attachment to Miss Suzumiya, and that raised the possibility that he would lie to avert the Agency interfering further in her life – or terminating it, if deemed necessary.
And even if Koizumi could be trusted, the possibilities of what an entity who controlled reality might do when confronted by the fear of death were terrifying.
Uchida continued: "In her case, though, the fear is centered not on herself dying, but her friend Kyon, the one who fell down the stairs some months ago. That seems to be a traumatic incident that she hasn't gotten over yet. She may never fully get over it."
"Didn't you just say she doesn't need psychotherapy?"
"A therapist's job is not to erase past injuries. It's to enable their patients to live healthy lives and have healthy relationships. Miss Suzumiya is doing that."
"Speaking of relationships, you did advise her to not be so attached to Kyon, didn't you?"
"Just as you instructed me." She let that point sit for a moment, then added, "I agree that she spends an inordinate amount of time and energy on the boy. However, I do not agree that this is a problem. Haruhi Suzumiya is a very high-energy and efficient individual; she can, and does, excel at all her classes and enjoy an active social life while still leaving her with surplus time and interest. If she chooses to devote that surplus time and interest to helping a boy who appreciates her company, then I see nothing particularly wrong with that."
Mori would have seen nothing wrong with that either, if the girl in question did not hold power over reality itself. That meant that by extension, whoever or whatever could manipulate Kyon could manipulate the world. An attractive woman could seduce him and get him to turn Suzumiya's emotions in any way she wanted. A wealthy politician could bribe him into making suggestions to Suzumiya. An extremist like Ryoko Asakura could kill him in hopes that the emotional devastation would reduce her power to nothing, or just to see what would happen.
Or he could simply get run over by a drunken driver, and the world could be ended by a single moment of misfortune.
Of course, their enemies could also opt for more direct methods of control. There was little doubt in her mind that at least one of the boys who had hit on Suzumiya at the party was an agent for another faction. That was the argument Koizumi used for encouraging Suzumiya's relationship with Kyon: So long as she was attached to him, she would rebuff any advances from other boys. And since Kyon himself cared too sincerely for Miss Suzumiya to exploit her feelings for him, and was in close, relatively open contact with Koizumi, he made an acceptable companion for her.
It was a logical argument so far as it went. But it didn't change the fact that for Haruhi Suzumiya to care about anyone that much was extremely dangerous.
She gave Uchida the prepared explanation. "You're speaking as though the question of whether or not Miss Suzumiya and Kyon are compatible were simply a matter of personality. Her mother is equally concerned that her only child find a boy who is intellectually a match for her. An underachieving student like Kyon will only drag her down in the long run, and that is assuming there ever is a long run. One year from now, Miss Suzumiya will be faced with a choice: Go to a university where her unique mind can be appreciated and her intellectual potential can be nurtured to fruition, or go to a university which Kyon can be admitted into."
"I will of course respect her mother's wishes for her, even if I disagree," Uchida said, bowing her head. "But Miss Suzumiya is already taking steps to ensure that she will never face that choice. She has been tutoring Kyon to get the grades needed to get into any university where she might desire to go."
"Mrs. Uchida, one can't turn an underachiever into an honor student. Like it or not, we all grow into the mold we were born into."
"...Well, I can't argue that there's no truth to that." Uchida straightened up, as though preparing to deliver a lecture. "But that girl is a rare breed. A dreamer. While the rest of us idly wish for things we can't have, people like her set their minds on the things they really want and they fight with everything they have until they get them. If you think she can't get Kyon accepted into the university of her choice, you should think again."
How ironic. She knew, far better than Uchida, just how absurd it was to think Suzumiya would not get Kyon into her university if she wanted him there.
"Did you have any other questions?"
She nodded. "Are there any new developments with her friendships?"
"Nothing in particular. She continues to spend more time with her friends outside of the insular 'SOS' group. She's living more of a 'normal life' without giving up the life she had before."
Well, that was something to be thankful for. Now she needed to get Uchida to bring up the visit with her aunt. "Then she has more adventures lined up."
"Well, the cultural festival is coming up. She told me in an earlier session that the SOS Brigade is planning a sequel to the movie they did last year."
"Anything more immediate?"
This time Uchida had to check her notes. "She's visiting her favorite aunt this weekend."
"What do you think of that?"
"It seems like another good step towards embracing a normal life. She hasn't visited her aunt Kanae since she started seeing me."
That was a reassuring interpretation. She wished that she could embrace it. "I have a different theory. Kanae is a cancer survivor, correct?"
"That's right."
"Is it possible, then, that Miss Suzumiya thinks her aunt may hold an answer to the fear which presently torments her – the fear of death?"
Uchida held her gaze in silence for a few moments. Mori could feel what her answer would be before she even spoke. "That she thinks her aunt may hold the answer? No. Miss Suzumiya is too level-headed for that. But, if you mean, that she hopes her aunt may hold the answer? ...then yes, that is possible."
Sonou Mori nodded. "Thank you, doctor. That is all."
She bowed to Dr. Uchida and left the office without a further word. During the talk she had already received a text confirming that Haruhi Suzumiya had left the building, giving her a clear exit, and whether or not the receptionist made anything of her was no concern.
Once she was back in her car, she took out her phone and placed a call. "Koizumi. You'll need to make some preparations for this weekend."