Warning: swearing and self-harm

He knew what those eyes meant. Those eyes that bores deep into his chest, like a knife puncturing straight through his heart. He never wanted to hurt his brothers. Never in a million years. But his anger always gets the better of him.

He just hates how his older brother is the golden child of the family, the one who could never do anything wrong, or how the purple Einstein always reminds him that he is the smartest out of all, or how the orange child, who is annoying yet lovable, that no matter what he does, he always gets the easy end of things while Raph has to face the consequences. Why do they get all the privileges?

Well maybe they deserve the privilege, after all it's his fault they get hurt. Today he accidentally gets a little bit too rough at practice. When he accidentally slammed Leo to the ground a little bit too hard. He was sorry.

"RAPH! STOP IT! IT'S JUST PRACTICE!"

He really was!

"SHUT UP LEO! YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!"

But no one believes him. Of course, no one believes him. Why would they believe the angry one? The aggressive one? He has done this too many times; they're probably sick of it at this point. Honestly, he wouldn't believe him if he were in their shoes. Feet? Turtles don't wear shoes...

He had his head tucked into his knees, for god knows how long until he hears the door to his room click open. He lifted his head up to see Sensei, with his eyes narrowed and glistening in disappointment. "Hamato Raphael." He called. He closes the door behind him and now stands in front of Raph. A beat of devastating silence passed by. The silence alone was torture enough for the young turtle, as he gripped his forearm tighter until his nails started digging into his skin. "I am very disappointed in you." He says.

Raph made no sudden movements. He has gotten used to those words; they're always the same. "Do you not worry about your brother's health, Raphael?" The furry rat asked in a monotone and stoic voice. Raph missed a couple of seconds to answer which made him angrier.

"RAPHAEL! Answer me!" He yells louder. The red-banded turtle flinched at the roughness in his voice. "Do you. Not care. About your brother's health." Somehow, what was meant to be a question sounded more like a statement. An opinionated question that even if he answered truthfully, no one would understand.

"I-I… I do, father! I really do! —"

"Then why did you hurt Leonardo?!" In other words, why did he hurt his father's favourite son?

He really should have learned his lesson by now. He can't win. No matter how much better he is at fighting, or no matter how hard he tries to control his emotions and his rage, it's never enough.

"Do I have to constantly remind you of how your actions affect our lives, Raphael? Do I have to remind you that you are constantly blinded by rage and hate? Do I have to remind you that you are meant to protect them? Not hurt them!" He says the last part louder. A firm and factual statement. Raph can't keep looking at his own father's eyes. It hurts too much.

"Raphael! Look at me when I am speaking." He didn't. Fear consumes him, and instead he shuts his eyes even tighter. And that's when it hit him. The palm of his father's hand strikes against his cheek, leaving a red mark on his face as a reminder. He caresses his over it, feeling the trace of the burning sensation from the hands of his own father. It did bring his attention, at least, and he finally looked up at him. He's waiting… He reminds himself.

"N-..No father…. I'm… I'm really sorry!" He feels the line of tears forming across his eyelids, but he won't allow them to fall. He can't be weak. Not now.

Splinter's eyes narrow before he turns his back behind him. He hears the rat's step getting further away from him until Splinter is right in front of the door. "Don't test me, Raphael." He stated firmly, "You wouldn't want to be like your uncle, do you?" And then he left his room.

Raph's breath suddenly got stuck. He tried to breathe but he couldn't. Like his uncle? He thinks. Of course he will never be like him! He hates that man! Hates what he did to his father! Hates that he has an unreasonable hatred for his father! But does he really remind Splinter of him? Is really like the Shredder?…

Now that he thinks about it… He has the same temper, the same anger, the rage. They use their anger when they fight. Splinter and Shredder were brothers, just like Leo and him.

Leonardo was like Splinter. They were wise and patient; Leo always listens to Sensei and when criticized he stays calm and collected. When his brother's are troubled he finds a solution to solve the problem. Raphael wasn't like that. He was angry— too angry for his 10 year old body to contain—brash, unpredictable, he acts before thinking and he wasn't the one fixing the problem. He was the problem causer. He was the problem - just like Shredder.

He shudders at the thought that he could be anywhere similar to him. Just why… why is he like this? Why is he the way he is? Why is he being compared by that monster? A monster… that's what he is… he's a monster.

What would his father think? What would his brothers think?! Wait- does that mean he reminds his father of Shredder? Does his Master Splinter think he is like the Shredder? Does he hate him? NO! No no he can't think like that! He wouldn't have taken him in if he hates him, right? But he can always kick him out. He can always leave Raph alone. Does he ever think of doing that?

Maybe he is planning on doing that right now! Oh my god is this why his brother's hate him? Because he is like him? Is this why he always argues with Leo? Is this why Donnie always seems uncomfortable when he is in the room? Why Mickey is always so terrified of him? Is he that bad? Why is he so bad? Why is he such a bad brother?

When did it get so dark? Why can't he breathe? Is the room hot? When did the room get so hot? Why is he sweating so much? Wait no- but he's shaking. Why is shaking? Why can't he breathe? Is breathing this hard? Surely not! Just breathe. Breathe. BREATHE DAMN IT! JUST FUCKING BREATHE!

He feels a burning sensation on his wrist. His eyes finally opened—when did he close them?—and he saw the deep, crimson red line drag horizontally across his wrist. It was long and red; it was more of a gash than a cut, to be honest. His eyes widen when he finds his other hand wielding his sai, which seems to be wearing his blood as a cloak.

Huh… He must've brought his sai with him to his room, which is dangerous because it's a lethal weapon with a 10-year-old child. They usually leave their weapons in the dojo after practice, but he must've forgotten to. He's even more surprised that his father didn't even mention it during the talk. Eh, it's whatever... Strangely enough, he feels calmer and has more ease of mind. He doesn't feel the blood boiling anymore or the angsty tears flowing through his eye sockets. Just pain. It's… nice?

"Yeah… this is nice…"

Months have passed since that day, and he finds that conflicting his own pain has helped through his outbursts. It's a drag, but it gets the job done. It conceals the burning rage from boiling up, the argumentative energy from spewing out, or the nonsense in which he wants to speak. And even if he did let it out, he has his own way of punishment. He finds it better this way.

It's around the afternoon and Raphael was in his room feeding his beloved pet, Spike. He gazes at him chewing his leaf slowly but gladly. "Hmm…" he was staring at the leaf that Spike was eating. He picks up a piece of leaf and inspect it for a little while before questioning "I wonder what this tastes like?"

He takes a bite out of it and let's it sit in his mouth for a beat before he spits out the weird earthy leaf. "BLEH! Ugh..- you like this stuff?" He eyes his pet judgingly before letting out a soft chuckle "Heh… weirdo." He smiles. Nowadays only Spike can make him smile so sincerely and so softly. Not the fake or menacing ones, a real smile.

However, this moment had to be cut short by his younger brother sudden appearance. "OH RAPH!~" His eyes twitches at the ear-piercing voice. "What?" He grumbles, he really didn't want to be disturbed right now. His younger brother's smirk was more than enough to annoy the ever loving shell out of him but he just had to budge right in!

"Leo, Donnie and I are watching a movie and WE want YOU to come with us~" He sings the "us" part. "Don't want to."He growls.

"AWWW COME ON RAPHIE!" Mikey whines. "NO MICKEY! I don't want to watch your stupid movie!" he roars, hus voice getting a little more thick.

"Pleaseeeeeee…. I promise you I won't ask you again for-… uhh- The next couple of months." He pleads, his eyes sparkles with desperation, dilated with a hint of twinkle in his pupils. he's doing the puppy eyes again…

If he was Leo, he would've folded immediately. But this is Raph. The only one in this house hold who is immune to his puppy eyes. "Mikey. No." He warns. "UGHH JEEZ RAPH! Do you always have to be a bum all the time!" Raph knows that Mikey was slightly just annoyed and didn't meant it, but this is a 10 year old turtle with anger issues who is the most sensitive out of his brothers.

"Like seriously you just stay in your room ALL THE TIME! You don't even hangout with us anymore! Like seriously it's like you don't even want us to be your brothers!" Ok. That hurts. Raph can admit that. He can't tell if his younger brother actually feels that way or he's just guilt-tripping him. Or both. Can be both.

This time Raph stands up and tackles Mikey, pushing him out his door and the younger one drops to the ground. He doesn't need his brother to see this weaker side of him. He can't let him see him easily defeated just by using his words.

"OW- RAPH?! THAT HURTS!" He exclaims.

"Well next time just LEAVE ME ALONE!" Was all he said before slamming the door in front of his face.

He can feel the blood boiling. The urge is too strong. The urge to break everything. To destroy his whole room just for his satisfaction. But he instead grabs his razor, that he found in the sewers when his family was scavenged, and sits back down his bed, unwrapping his bandaged before dragging multiple lines into his wrist.

His blood simmers before finally calming down, letting out a deep sigh. He sits there, partially listening to the mumbles out from his doors. He knows his brothers are talking about him, he can't blame them after what he just did. Why did he get so mad again?

All Mikey wanted was to spend more time with his big bro, is that so wrong? OF COURSE NOT! RAPHAEL IS JUST BEING AN ASSHOLE! God… why does he have to be such a terrible brother?…

A sigh left his lips as guilt swallowed him whole. He can feel the water droplets tingling until he just completely collapses in bed. He curls his body into his sheets until his head is buried in them. He soaks his bed in his tears, letting out a muffled, hoarse scream. He was so frustrated—frustrated at his brothers but even more at himself—and just so tired.

He doesn't know how long it has been, probably around 30 minutes. He finally sits up straight revealing the red bags under his eyes. It's slightly swollen but nothing too noticeable. When he starts to collect himself, he realizes that the bed is stained with dark crimson splotches, and he then realizes that the source is coming from his wrist. He just hopes that no one comes into his room again. He can wash it later at night when everyone's asleep. He also just notice that Spike was asleep, he hopes he was asleep for the whole time. He doesn't want him to see Raph like that.

He gets off his bed to grab fresh bandages from his secret box compartment that was placed underneath his bed and starts warping them around his wrist. He stole these from Donnie's lab, which he knows he shouldn't, and he knows that everyone is starting to realise the lack of medical supplies, but Raph is too proud to let them see him like this. More like ashamed.

After his wrist was fully warped, he wondered what he should do now. He knows his brothers' are still watching the movie; he can hear their laughter from here. He was wondering if he should join them, but he doubts they want him to be hanging with them. He envies their relationship, which is weird because all four of them are brothers, yet it felt like there were only three who were related.

You know what! Screw it! He gathers all his courage to open the door and prepares himself for the worst. The teasing, the stares, and the confusion—he can't bear it, but he also can't bear being alone with his mind right now. So, hesitantly, he twist the doorknob and opens the door. He stares at the floor contemplating if he genuinely wants to do this, but he still hasn't stepped out his room, he has opened his door though so-… progress?

He peaks his head out and see his brother sitting around the TV. Both of his younger brothers are sitting on the couch while Leonardo sits on the floor. "So wait- Hold on a second. You are telling me that a bee- A BEE! Can be in an intimate relationship with a HUMAN GIRL?" Donnie, clearly confuse, yawps. Raph can't deny, without context, that shit didn't made any sense.

Leo barks out a laugh at his smart brother "Relax Don it's just a movie"

"YEAH BUT IT MAKES NO SENSE!" Both brothers can't hold back their cackling at the sudden outburst from their purple brother. Raph can't help it too, letting a little chuckle under his breath.

Donnie started to ramble about how weird the relationship it is to have a literal bee and a human together. The inaccuracy that an actual insect can mate with a human is borderline insane. He also states about the different the species, where because of the unrelated species, if SOMEHOW they have a child, that child would be genetically fucked- by what Raph can understand. Something about Zyg-… what was it again? His smartass brother with his big words is making it hard to comprehend. Donnie mentions about genes just now - what the fuck is genes? -, is the zyg-something related to genes?

"DUDES?!" Mikey yelp, catching his brother's off guard, "We just missed like- 15 MINUTES OF THE FILM?!" Mikey immediately starts playing it back, getting Donnie to let out a groan. "Mikey we probably barely missed anything. Like nothing happened ok?! Can we please just continue"

Leo, amused by his little brother's rant, lifts his head to face Donnie, "Well maybe you shouldn't talk over the movie then hm?" He said with a teasing smirk.

"OH SHUT UP LEO! You can't tell me that made sense to you!?" The cackling sound reverberates around lair until Master Splinter even left the dojo. "Hm and what seems to be going on here?" He asked curiously.

"Well Mickey and Leo ask to watch this movie, they said it was good. BUT IT WAS ANYTHING BUT GOOD! The movie is straight up nonsense!" Donnie screams, the frustration building up was evident.

Raph was pretty sure Mikey and Leo aren't breathing at this point because their laughter is starting to deafen into high pitched wheezing and snorting. Splinter smiled at his sons, "Hm well then, do you mind me joining you three?"

Leo nods at him after wiping the tears of his eyes and his breathing begins to even out, "Of course Sensei" Sensei hums and proceed to sit between Michelangelo and Donatello.

"Where is Raphael?" Splinter realizes. Suddenly the atmosphere seems to drop, and it looks like the rat dad has already understood what had happened. "He um-…" Mikey mutters, Splinters notes the awkwardness in his voice. "He got mad when I asked him to join us…" Raph cringes at how upset Mikey sounds right now.

Sensei lets out a deep sigh, "Please my sons. Be patient with him. He can be… a little difficult." He explains calmly. Donnie grumbles under his breath "more like really difficult…"

A pang of guilt struck Raph in the chest. He really is that difficult, isn't he?

Splinter continues "You three are very good brothers, Raphael just needs more time to think. Give him space my sons… he'll come to us when he is ready." The three look at him with an unsure look on their face, "But sensei, we HAVE been giving him space. What more can we do?" Leo ask. "Don't you worry Leonardo… you three did well, Raphael just needs to learn to control his anger. It's not you's guys doings fault."

God… they'll never understand… they never tried to understand him. But maybe he doesn't understand them either, since it is his fault…

"Now then, shall we continue our movie then?" Mikey's face beams when hus rat dad mentions about the movie, "Oh yeah! Movie time!" He sings.

The four immerse into the movie once again, and Raph was watching them; smiling, laughing, creating their own inside jokes, infuriating Donnie even more, Mikey leaning into Splinter's soft fur and Splinter warping his arm around him pulling him closer, and then all the brothers nudge closer to their father- in need for his presence- and then all of them cuddle in a pile like one big family. A family without him.

After the whole talk about Raph, he feels like he doesn't deserve to join in. That he would just ruin the moment if he comes in right now. He steps back into his room and quietly shuts the door behind him. He lays back in bed feeling like a rock that had sunk into the bottom of the ocean.

He's once again only accompanied by his mind. Thoughts swarm around him like he just open a dictionary book and when he reads the words it's so hard to comprehend it makes his head hurt. Okay-…weird analogy but it works.

He wonders if his brothers are better off without him. I mean what does he bring into the table?

Leonardo is the rock of the family—the one you can lean on when you're about to crumble; the one who will hold you tight like his life depends on it. He is the one who will catch you when you fall, the one who will keep you safe. Donnie is like the rope in the family—the one who pulls you out of any problems. The one who will drag you to safety. The one you can depend on because he will make sure that you are well taken care of, not because he has to, but because his big heart wants to. And Mikey is the light of the family—the one who can smile during the darkest of days. He is the one who keeps the family sane and the one who makes the family dinners just a little brighter on one of those gloomy days.

So what is Raph then? Oh well that's easy—nothing. He plays nothing. He is nothing. He is worth nothing. He has nothing to give. Actually, that's not true; he causes a lot of problems, too many conflicts to count, and a lot of bruises and scratches with his unwanted outburst.

"God…" Raph snivel, "they are better off without me…"