The engine roared with the amount of gas he had imposed on it, that lever was very sensitive, you just had to touch it downwards a little to infuse maximum energy. The others, however, the important ones, were tremendously tenacious.
That's how you're going to go about life. Look at me now, fearless.
Those two smiles still didn't know that in a few seconds they would be turned off.
Off …
Together with those two gazes that no one in the world would ever cross again, they could no longer materialize into reality. One of those two attentive looks was excited.
Not enough towards you.
He stared at his hands now, up until a few seconds ago he was full of pride looking at his face. The other was curious, sweet, identical to the one observing him from below.
All right, that's enough, don't get too close to the wall.
I turned them off, their eyes, I turned off my little brother's smile and mine too. I.
Nii-san!
He pulls the lever!
That lever was too hard, just a few seconds before he had pushed it with all the confidence in the world, but now he was being asked to let himself be pulled. The look that was once sweet had turned to terrified. He had seen it change under his eyes, suddenly, as if two photographs depicting the same person with two different expressions had fallen on top of each other in rapid succession and without warning.
A sunny spring day never prepares you properly, makes you leave the weapons you should have used at home.
Stop, pull the lever!
Nii – San!
His gaze to his left had become grimmer and sterner, his hands trying to replace his on the clutch. They didn't understand that their shouts were making him even more confused, perhaps if they had taken everything more calmly he would have at least thought about sinking the gas to minimum. Losing your temper is equivalent to losing your reason, which is why in life it is something to be absolutely avoided.
I will no longer be able to afford this luxury. Never again.
The white wall was crumbling on orange, now the screams had ceased.
They will never end.
The crying continued, he had to think about him. The tracks skidded on the ground, he certainly couldn't put his foot on them, he would have had to leap over them. He would have done this too, he would have done everything. All the strength in the world was needed from now on, even the strength he'd never known and didn't know he had.
Sasuke, forgive me.
"Sasuke…"
He always had that word on his lips when he panted sweaty in his sleep. Usually he received hugs, whispers and light caresses, but this time something that landed hard on his face made him jump making his heart beat even faster. He had to move eyelids that seemed like stone to get out of the nightmare, the pain in his shoulder reappeared overwhelmingly, he had slept there that day too, on Nagato's duvets.
"I thought this bag contained a faulty gun, Itachi, you yourself told me that" Nagato's scratchy voice had no inflections. He was calm as always, his face impassive as if she were recounting what he had eaten at dinner the night before.
Itachi sat down, their eyes met, the dark was no less in terms of detached calm. They were there, facing each other. However, Nagato's violet-tinged eyes couldn't hold the other's intense gaze as he collapsed to the floor.
"I thought it was a little strange that you went to watch with your nails painted purple on both your hands and feet. Are you being a whore, Itachi? Do you work on the street or indoors?"
He'd forgotten to clean his nails the night before, but then again he was more exhausted than usual. Obito's words came back to his mind, his older cousin had advised him to tell both Nagato and Sasuke the truth with the utmost understanding, but now in his head it all sounded like a tremendous reproach.
Tell him the truth or I'll have to find a solution.
Obito, if you had seriously intervened maybe it would have been better.
And now the truth had come out in the worst way, just as the major had expected. Itachi didn't have the slightest reaction in front of Nagato's words, there was nothing more that could be done now, explanations and scenes would have been superfluous, adding more useless pain. His breathing had eased, he kept staring at the redhead like a pupil carefully following a lesson, his self-control had never broken a crack since that damned day.
"Get out of my house, Itachi. Instantly."
He got up almost noiselessly, calmly. Since he was wearing the black cotton overalls he used to stay comfortable around the house, he headed to the bedroom to put on a pair of sneakers. Without thinking he took another pair from the closet new to…
To come to you right away, Kisame.
There were no tears, there was no hand shaking, Nagato had accused him of being a prostitute but he hadn't denied this accusation, he hadn't said a word.
It's already the second time in my life that I take this word from different people, maybe it's true.
"I always knew you didn't care about me, Itachi!" Nagato blurted out, it was perhaps the first time that the dark-haired had heard him raise his voice: "I'm throwing you out of the house and you don't care, you don't react. If you tell Sasuke everything today how do you see it? Don't you think he has a right to know what you're doing too?"
Nagato had stopped in the bedroom doorway while he was putting on his shoes. Itachi felt his eyes burn from those tears that wanted to come out but were held back by the fear of making a mistake, by the fear that a distraction from him could cause a disaster. Again. His nose began to run, when the pain fails to have a sincere and natural outlet as he would like through his eyes, it turns into something bad almost as if he were carrying out a revenge against those who wanted to imprison him. However it scoffs at him by managing to get out somewhere anyway.
Itachi had been deeply humiliated by that sentence, during all the years spent together it was clear that Nagato hadn't learned to know him at all, he hadn't understood that he emotions, even if he couldn't afford the luxury of expressing them anymore, he felt them all right. A misunderstanding relationship, that's what it was, continuing it would only cause more pain and the world is already saturated enough.
Nagato, I must have certainly appeared cold to you, I just wanted to avoid further pain with superfluous words and by expressing my problems to you. Words can hurt, you don't know how much, no one ever realizes it, unfortunately. I have all the emotions inside, except that perhaps it is almost never necessary to express them, both because they can harm others and because very often they end up misunderstood.
However these concepts never left his head, he walked past Nagato with his black eyes staring straight ahead, his posture composed, calm. He entered the door, went down the stairs without ever looking back. He hadn't taken anything, no documents, no cell phone, by now he felt as if he were in free fall, as if he had to break through a wall that he had in front of him only with his body. The fact that he had no goals, no objectives and no certain future for the first time in his life made him feel unexpectedly relieved as if an imminent death was there to reach out to relieve him of any difficulty. Thinking about it, he had a goal and his legs had started to take him straight to us unconsciously.
Itachi lived in a very busy and noisy street in the center while the place where he was going was in a dusty street, those thin white clouds that the rain manages to stop only for a few hours and which then return to swirl driven by a minimum of wind. Kisame…
He was far enough away to reach, even by car, however he had already left and looking back even for a second would have meant collapsing. He couldn't afford it, not if he ever could, letting his guard down now would mean sticking to the pavement like a lion's skin filled with putty. And then anyway there was nothing to see behind, he had the impression that turning around he would only see an empty white expanse, like a sheet waiting for his words.
Nagato's threats to tell Sasuke everything he was sure would not have a continuation, the red by its nature was scary. His spasmodic search for perfection made him fearful of speaking to people, of saying a few words out of place that he might not accept, and Sasuke's pout had the power to overwhelm anyone. It was his way of dealing with pain, that, challenging life that puts the worst trials before you; the character that Itachi would have wanted for himself sex even that bloody spring day. Even his little brother, like Nagato and like himself, was part of the long line of misunderstood. He would soon know the truth about his work, perhaps today, but he would be the one to tell him.
Hey honey, do you need a ride?
Itachi was used to phrases like this, it cost him absolutely no effort to ignore. He walked straight like a robot, after several hours of not eating anything he was aware that his body would soon suffer however he needed to get there. He had nothing behind him but his sneakers dangling from his lace-up hands. He didn't have a phone to call someone to pick him up, he didn't have the money to get a bus or a taxi or pay for a gym membership.
Kisame… maybe I just need to see you.
He arrived after about an hour of brisk walking without pause, he had proceeded as if he were in a sort of trance; it's very hot that day. It was about a quarter of an hour before the afternoon opening, Itachi sat near the glass entrance leaning his back against the wall, closed his eyes enjoying the warmth of the sun on his white skin. He hoped that Kisame was the first to arrive, if the secretary or the doctor had arrived first perhaps he wouldn't have made the best impression. His legs ached from the long walk, his muscles trembling slightly. He leaned his head against the wall trying to ignore his heartbeat which became a little irregular.
Kisame… I hope you have some miracle drink… I need it now… the engine screams, the wall crumbles… white on orange…
Nii – San!
Itachi, stop, pull the lever! Itachi!
"Itachi?"
"Sasuke…"
"No, I'm Kisame. It hasn't been a full month yet since I opened this place and I've already seen everything happen to it, but I never thought I'd see anyone even sleep there."
The dark-haired man raised his eyes dazzled by the sun, Kisame smiled at him immersed in the light. He had always needed that smile, all his life.
"Sorry, I'm a little tired" Itachi got up too quickly feeling dizzy.
Kisame grabbed him by the shoulders seeing him sway. He found that he was paler than usual and his eyes more sunken than they had been last time. Certainly night work was starting to go awry for him: "so, are you ready to start? During the break I just worked out your training program."
He accompanied him inside him wrapping his arm around his shoulders as if they were old friends, Itachi was amazed at the delicacy of his touch despite his size.
"Kisame, I'm sorry but I forgot everything at home, I only have these shoes behind. I can't pay your membership right now."
"Damn what an impatient pupil! Here we need a prize other than, of course you're forgiven." Kisame strengthened the words just said by increasing his grip for a second.
"I made you a very personalized little thing. Of course while you are here I won't let you focus only on the shoulder problem, the body is all together there is not one thing.
And yours has a gorgeous body despite being slender.
In Kisame's few words, Itachi had captured that thoughtfulness that no one had ever dedicated to him in their entire life. Kisame had done it in an instant, there, without warning and almost without knowing him. Silent thanks gleamed in his black eyes. He had done well never to look back arriving there on foot, he felt his heart melt.
Itachi continued to loosen up while Kisame, despite clients and friends arriving one after another, always stood behind him to explain how to do the exercises.
You'll make it? You feel pain? Do you need to leave more calmly?
Some of those customers were new, Itachi had noticed. The new mayor and his brown friend, for example, had already seen them, however they started their training that day. Even that small and minute red. Kisame was absent only briefly to explain them to them, then he returned there beside him.
If something is not clear to you, call me.
No one did, it existed as a tacit agreement.
When it was time to work on the sore shoulder, Kisame slipped his hand under Itachi's tight, sleeveless black shirt. It didn't take much for him to get it through the shoulder, he pressed firmly and delicately while telling him to correct some movements. Kisame's skin was smooth, warm, so smooth as to have something rubbery, Itachi felt the heat invade him and rise from the base of his neck. A dream. And this time he wasn't ripped apart by tracks, engines roaring screams and crying. Perhaps he was now understanding for the first time what pleasant dreams are. The blond mayor looked at him from time to time smiling happily, it seemed that he nodded slightly but Itachi wasn't entirely sure.
Naruto I voted for you too, I couldn't have made a better choice than this.
Kisame didn't notice everything that was happening around him, the world seemed to have disappeared. Itachi was the world.
"Nagato didn't come?"
Here it is that question, for Itachi the track that had torn the dream, for Kisame the expectation of a confirmation or a big tumble with a blindfold. However, he had to know what was behind that door that Naruto had given him the keys to, begging him to open it without thinking about it so much.
"Today he didn't have time" the always persuasive and reassuring voice reminded Kisame of something now that he was looking at him from behind.
Two sterile holes…
After bringing up Nagato, Itachi instinctively glanced in Naruto's direction again, he captured him for a moment with his turquoise irises before returning to his exercises. Itachi felt Kisame's hands always caressing him, resting gently on his waist or hips as if he was afraid that he might fall off the machinery. The extremely graceful poses that the dark man was able to assume even using normal gym machines would have enchanted anyone.
"Well done Kisame! You've grabbed this beauty and you don't share him with anyone" a blond boy with a long braid had bent down to look closely at Itachi at the lats machine, he had practically stuck his face to that of the dark-haired one.
"Deidara, how many times have I told you not to play sports with gum in your mouth? Run throw it away that if you leave us pens I'll get involved."
"Eehhiii, calm down, I won't spoil it for you. I have but my Karin, right darling?" he blew a kiss with hhis hand in the direction of the redhead who greeted him with a shy wave of her hand.
Itachi had finished his entire program in just under an hour.
" A great time, no one gets these results the first time they come."
"Thanks for everything, Kisame, I'm going to take a shower."
The dark-haired had made a small smile that seemed full of bitterness, Kisame had seen the sun die in that moment inside his eyes.
Why?
Itachi was once again as pale as he had seen him in the beginning, sitting dozed off outside the door.
Of course this program is a piece of cake for you… you're better than that.
Kisame shook his head to chase away his usual fragments, meanwhile Itachi had already disappeared behind the locker room door.
Without ever looking back.
Kisame, decided to take the opportunity to train himself in view of the bodybuilding competitions that he had planned for the end of the summer.
Do you feel lost without him? Come on, he just went to take a shower.
However Kisame soon noticed how he was using his intense workout as an outlet. Hidan and Sasori were also present at the time, three people who could understand each other now, that's why he didn't fly a fly in the room except piped music.
One by one they had all gone away, outside the windows the evening was beginning to make its way. Karin had said goodbye to everyone as soon as the shift was over, the last ones to stay were Hidan and Sasori but they had already left for ten minutes, Tayuya wasn't there that day.
"Kisame, then I'd go, see you tomorrow."
"Wait Tsunade, make sure there's no one left."
"But yeah, there's only you."
I didn't see him leave, neither from the locker room nor from the door.
"Would you mind checking the changing rooms and showers, please?" Kisame had been training undeterred for a couple of hours.
"No, there's no one else. I get dressed and go"
Tsunade had been gone for almost five minutes, if was still there someone would have seen him, her voice was coming from far away, Kisame couldn't tell if it was due to the actual distance or due to his foggy mind.
I didn't see him leave. And then his car wasn't there, how did he get here today?
Kisame was gripped by anxiety, he imagined it as a gigantic claw that crushed his stomach. He lost his strength instantly letting go of the lat bar, he just had time to think that if he had been pressed maybe he would have hurt himself.
Oh no, Tsunade, it's no excuse that I'm alone.
Kisame briskly walked towards the changing rooms while the doctor looked him up and down with an expression somewhere between bewildered and annoyed. He slammed the door open, so that it slammed violently against the wall.
"May we know what the hell is wrong with you tonight, Kisame? You'd do well to disconnect too."
Kisame stared motionless at the room illuminated by the neon lights, as soon as Tsunade stopped speaking he clearly heard their low hum.
"See, there's no one there. Apart from someone who forgot their jacket on the floor, isn't it a bit too hot by now to go around in this stuff? In my opinion, knowing him, it was Deidara." Tsunade had put on a slightly pouting expression as she put her hands on her hips.
Kisame approached the dark mass, unconsciously slowing his pace as if he were afraid of breaking something or seeing something. Kisame covered his mouth with both hands. Tsunade, behind him, had crossed her arms tapping her toe impatiently, her head cocked to one side with her pout growing. Kisame knelt on the ground, it wasn't a jacket carelessly forgotten by someone.
"Itachi!"
Kisame shook him making him lose that curled up position he had and to see if he had any reaction, he touched his frozen hand for a moment, also frightened by that extreme temperature, he soon discovered that the whole body was like that.
"Itachi, damn it, open your eyes!" Kisame was almost screaming at that bloodless face.
"Tsunade, I need your help."
Kisame was also looking for her not to panic too much, he took Itachi in his arms going in her direction.
The doctor felt almost faint, it was impressive. Itachi looked like a broken doll.
What if he was…?
She swallowed as she escorted Kisame to the infirmary.
Kisame laid Itachi down on the couch, then started pacing nervously as he
Tsunade started visiting him.
What's wrong?
Are you still breathing?
But you didn't notice anything visiting him for the first time?
He spoke mostly for himself, to hear any sound whatsoever. When you are desperate you stick to any pretext in order not to lose your reason. The risk of making a fool of yourself in front of others or appearing not sane counts for absolutely nothing.
I had just found him and I already have to lose him? Maybe I couldn't even have him, but I don't want he to die. I feel I already love him so I wish the best for him, I want him to be happy, with or without me it doesn't matter.
Kisame changed direction so quickly, inside the small room, that he almost made his head spin. Through the meshes of his anguish, he saw Tsunade's beautiful hazel eyes flash full of reproach: "Kisame, if you can't calm down, I have to ask you out."
Kisame felt like dying, he leaned his back against the wall covering his face with his hands in despair.
"Kisame" Tsunade's voice was the most desired and most feared sound at the time often.
He forced himself to look her in the face, being a coward and procrastinating at that moment would have led to nothing but giving everyone more pain. If he was going to start free fall, he might as well get over it as soon as possible.
"How are you?" he asked full of apprehension, panting but he didn't care to hide it, most likely he was also pale.
Tsunade sighed looking at him firmly: "At the moment I can't give you certain answers, it seems like a heart problem accentuated by stress and lack of food. He is certainly aware of it only that perhaps until now he had managed to keep it at bay. By now you too have understood what power the mind can have over the body, you've seen Hidan and Sasori, you've seen Nagato. In the case of Itachi it is more or less the same only much more dramatic, years of intense pain linked to a double mandate at the bottom of the soul without having the possibility of being expressed, welcomed and understood, have upset his already fragile physique by birth. I don't know what happened to him in life, but I think you have the key to his heart, Kisame. Go to him, I'm going to go and rest for a while. See you tomorrow and I would like to see you both smiling happy as soon as possible."
Tsunade finished the speech with a confident smile and patting him affectionately.
"Thank you, Tsunade, I always knew you'd be indispensable."
Kisame entered the room approaching the cot Itachi had his gaze dull and lost on the ceiling but at least his eyes were open. Kisame gently grabbed his hand glad to feel that it, yes, it was cold, but no longer as cold as before. He massaged it lightly with his fingers. He felt his heart almost stop for the umpteenth time since he had met that dark man full of mysteries, his nails were purple and he hadn't noticed it all day.
Where do you come from?
Lots of different places.
Kisame felt his mouth drop as he saw Itachi sigh as he covered his eyes with an arm.
"What's wrong? You should tell me, I am responsible for the gym and also for the health of my clients."
Itachi took his arm away from his eyes, looked at him for a few seconds without saying anything. Itachi knew when he wanted to miss how now his words missed Kisame, he knew how to perceive the tension even with all the calm in the world. His gaze could be magnetic, penetrating like a drill and thinking like a mountain. He sat up carefully without taking his eyes off Kisame's.
"Forgive me, I got too tired today. I walked more than two kilometers in the sun to come to you."
Kisame felt something snap inside him.
To come to you.
His gaze suddenly became melancholy, he grabbed both the dark's tapered white hands as if to say I'm listening to you.
"Unfortunately the balance of my health has always been fragile, the pain and hardships I've had to swallow since I was very young make my heart wobble. Today then to this was added the fact that I ate little. Forgive me, Kisame, I was foolish, I know how these things go but I always do it again" the dark-haired hinted a smile softening his gaze to reassure his friend.
Kisame instinctively hugged him tightly, Itachi slightly parted his mouth in an astonished expression. He closed his eyes and reciprocated gripping Kisame's shirt tightly, his hands were almost spasmodic.
Itachi had placed his lips as soft as velvet and slightly plump in the hollow of Kisame's neck, a reassuring gesture.
The dark-haired man took a breath, a pause that seemed interminable: "Kisame, I couldn't leave you aside after you waited five years just to talk to me, after you realized how I didn't use my right hand despite not being left-handed. You didn't know me, you didn't know my name, you had never seen my face and yet you understood in seconds that this wasn't my job, that those weren't my shoes... You noticed the foundation left on your hand. You left me your number without knowing if I would ever dial it, you were desperately looking for my eyes behind that mask, I could see it. I waited a year to decide to call you, but I did. I have never forgotten your name. It's me, the weasel."
Itachi had thought hundreds of times about how Kisame could have reacted to those words, in his imagination he had seen him wince, turn pale, faint, run away, laugh in his face. All the reactions in the world except the one he actually did. He squeezed him even tighter in his arms as if to protect him from the whole world. They remained like this, still for several minutes, Kisame rocked him lightly placing a kiss on his hair, Itachi surrendered to those cuddles like he had never done in his life, without any doubt that he deserved them.
They separated, Kisame smiled: "come on weasel, I'll take you home."
"Kisame, I no longer have a home."
How stupid! Why didn't I get it? I saw him blanch when I asked him about Nagato.
"Come to me, then. Would you like to eat something together?" he asked him softly, as they walked to get Kisame's things.
Kisame put an arm around his waist. Itachi wasn't going to speak that night, it had taken him a year to make a phone call and surely he should have had some more patience. Itachi would open his heart to him, not right away but it would happen.