Sasuke sometimes felt his brain was revved up. If he had been in the company of someone in those moments he would have spoken quickly and in a tone of voice at least an octave above normal. His jaws would dry out, but after a glass of water, he could continue where he left off.
However, since that spring day many years ago he had begun to avoid the company of people. He had progressively withdrawn into his shell of pain perceiving the rest of the world as superficial and not very understanding. The most difficult years for him had been those of adolescence, at that age boys instinctively isolate the perceived different partner without fully realizing the reasons for their attitude. They just do it. Although Sasuke had always been an impossibly silent boy, those around him still managed to distinguish the pain that he exuded despite him never mentioning it. For this reason he had begun to consider himself not very interesting in terms of character and personality and to bet everything on his objective beauty, mistakenly considered his only strong point. The fact that he had been a model student until his graduation a year earlier had contributed to making him the object of envy and consequent further isolation from others.
Now that he had to look for a job he had no idea where and how to start. He didn't know where to turn since he had no experience of how relationships work between people.
Itachi, but how do you do it?
Sasuke had been asking this question more or less since his little baby head learned to form sentences. Before the accident, he wondered how his older brother managed to ingratiate himself, without any effort, with his parents, teachers, friends even much older than them and that older cousin he admired so much: Shisui. To Itachi, all of this came naturally, with the utmost humility and never giving a glimpse of arrogance.
Sasuke soon found that when he tried to get himself noticed for something, he ended up puffing himself up causing others to turn their backs on him even more, twist their mouths and avert their eyes. For this reason he had quickly learned to talk about himself as little as possible and to handle more or less everything on his own.
Before the tragedy, he, Itachi and Shisui had often gone out together. They had gone for walks by bicycle, on foot in some park, on the sea, some evenings at the amusement park, some ice cream shop or fast food, normal things at that age, in short. However, the pattern that emerged was always the same: the two older ones ahead and he who followed them feeling unjustly left on the sidelines.
Or maybe it's me who puts myself in this way by trying to self-isolate without realizing it? Itachi why everyone likes you effortlessly?
He saw Shisui grabbing Itachi's hand, slipping his arm around his waist to draw him towards him, occasionally slinging him over his shoulder and then laughing and joking as if Sasuke wasn't there.
"Itachi, you are the younger brother that I never had" Shisui said one day. That sentence said with such innocence and lightness, had ended up branding Sasuke.
And who am I instead? Maybe I'm exaggerating, maybe I'm too possessive or there is too much age difference.
Five years with Itachi and seven with Shisui.
The messages that Shisui sent him were actually conflicting, his joyful smile and the games he made him play had the ability to erase everything in an instant even if Sasuke couldn't get the shadow of his older brother off his back.
Instead, interacting only with Itachi was different. Sasuke, while considering him unreachable, literally hung on his lips at that age. The major made him feel important, he took him by the hand showing him and teaching him a lot of things. With infinite patience he filled in those shortcomings that his father and the people around him seemed to have.
"Why does dad always talk to mom about you, Nii – san?"
Itachi had given him a sweet smile. They were in their country villa, the brief pause that the major had made before answering him had been filled by the buzzing of insects and the singing of birds: "when he is alone with me, he does nothing but mention you instead."
At the time Sasuke had started jumping around happily embracing his Nii – san, happy with the answer. But today, in hindsight and knowing Itachi well, Sasuke wasn't sure for a long time that that had been the truth of his father's words.
Sasuke shunned company even though he needed it, he realized that loneliness made him suffer however he tended to seek it instinctively. Sometimes he made an effort to establish relationships, these were however destined to fail after a while due to his inevitable tendency to close like a hedgehog.
I would like friends and I envy those who have them, but after a while I feel the need to be alone again, what does the real me want? Would I have been a different person if that damned day had gone differently and if they didn't build crawler tractors with such hard controls?
He sighed walking briskly and putting his hands in his pockets, when he felt his brain go into overload, he always went out for long walks. It was one of the few things that he was able to really give him pleasure, he put his headphones on with his favorite music, letting his imagination merge with the notes. He had always done everything by himself, even calming himself was part of this.
Itachi had often told him that Madara possessed his own and identical character to him, but he had seen it so little that he could hardly remember it. He only remembered some really out of the ordinary hair, very long and very thick. Sasuke knew that he had literally disappeared from the face of the earth throwing the whole family into apprehension; Obito was having a hell of a time trying to find it, however Sasuke really couldn't fit into this vision of things. Madara had always been a name and an evanescent presence to him.
Almost every time he went out to unload he ended up in the port, he went all the way to the usual pier to entrust all his thoughts of him to the sea. They had seen and heard of all those waters. It was also the perfect place to cry without anyone seeing or noticing anything, after all even tears were water so, once dispersed among the waves, they lost their meaning and that reason for embarrassment that they would have generated in front of a person. Now Sasuke could feel them burning behind his eyes, he tilted his head to one side of hers pressing his thin lips together trying to hold them a little longer.
That disastrous New Year's Eve six years earlier had ended, in spite of himself, for having become a milestone in his life. Itachi had returned to what speech that for many years had been almost a sort of taboo, he had confessed to him that he had canceled himself and his emotions only to protect him. In order not to risk making mistakes again like on that spring day, the last one they had set foot in that much-loved country house which had since been sold.
The major had even kept his health problems from him, which were becoming more and more serious, so as not to make him feel held back, in some way, by this. Sasuke had risked losing his brother without even knowing it. And what had he done until that famous New Year's Eve? He had been capable of nothing but hate him, he had spat accusations and attacks of all kinds at him. Itachi had apologized that evening, asking forgiveness even for things he hadn't committed, for not being the brother Sasuke would have wanted. He had kept him at a distance not because he despised him or was ashamed of him, but because he tried not to make him suffer further, hoping that one day love could once again appear in his heart again. And in fact from that evening Sasuke understood that Itachi had been right, as always. Love had always been there just that he had refused to see it.
Instead you were, Nii-san, the brother I always wanted, always. You have been all staying hidden, asking for nothing.
Mom and Dad could have done a lot of things 's what Itachi had said that night.
You were better, Nii – san. When you have the merits you have to accept them and that's it.
The first tear had slowly flowed down Sasuke's right cheek, while his large black eyes were lost in the glitter of the sun on the waves.
That love had returned carrying with it a void that was difficult for him to accept, the lack of all the years lost because of it. He and Itachi had always had two totally opposite characters, consequently two equally different methods of reacting to pain. Itachi kept everything inside without losing that sweetness, love and calm that had always characterized him even if he did everything to keep them hidden by any means possible. He carried the pain of both him and that of others, on his slender shoulders to carry it all by himself. Sasuke, on the other hand, reacted with ardor and wanted to fight his the adversities that had made his family suffer so much. His fists and teeth clenched hard as his lips quirked into a pout and his eyebrows furrowed.
That's not right, Nii – san! It's not fair to you and me, it's not fair to Obito and Madara. You gave everything for me and now it's time for me to do something for you.
Another tear had fallen followed by others now unstoppable.
That evening Itachi had apologized but in reality he felt that he was the one who had to ask for forgiveness.
Pain, for Sasuke, often turned into anger. He directed the negative feeling exclusively towards himself, the sense of guilt towards Itachi made him perceive a black hole in his chest capable of sucking up all feelings, even the positive ones. This was also the big difference between him and Itachi, the smaller one easily lost sight of the good things that he had blinded inside and violently dragged by the negative ones. The major knew him so well that he saw good faith and love even in the midst of these storms that he was often prey to. However for most people it wasn't like that that's why Sasuke almost always ended up being misunderstood.
He had to ask forgiveness not only from Itachi, but also from Obito and Shisui, his cousins had gone out of their way to help him after the accident even though they too had a thousand difficulties. But he, once again, hadn't been able to see anything other than his hatred towards Itachi. Obito had suffered that terrible misfortune, having to see his uncles reduced to shreds. But he had continued to be blind to everything and everyone.
Relations with Shisui had almost completely broken down after that painful scene that had occurred at home when he was about eleven years old. Sasuke had seen his uncle beat both him and Itachi to pieces accusing the latter of being a prostitute before dragging his son away by force. So he was left alone with his brother dripping nosebleeds so badly that they pooled on the floor. Itachi, with the ice pack over his face, had sat on the couch next to him, until the bleeding had stopped. Nobody said anything, Sasuke was watching a war movie, the kind he had always been passionate about.
He had only taken his eyes off the screen a few seconds when his uncle's shouts made him jump. He had seen him slap Shisui so hard that he fell to the ground while with the other hand he pulled Itachi by the hair causing him to roll down the stairs at the top of which were the bedrooms. They were both stark naked, Sasuke had never been stupid as a result he had guessed what had happened upstairs. But that veil of resentment for three years already had begun to hide his heart, anesthetizing him from any positive feeling, especially towards Itachi. He had only sighed angrily, Obito had lost his parents in a terrible accident that had also disfigured him and Shisui and his family certainly wouldn't have any intention of helping them again after that episode. Itachi had ended up ruining everything this time too.
I thought so at the time, Nii – san, forgive me. I know you were just trying to be happy too, you were giving all of yourself for me, that damned evening you were just trying to get a little relief and I, as always, didn't understand it by only spitting poison on you.
With the same vehemence and combativeness that had always characterized him, for about six years Sasuke had been trying to help his brother. He had been doing the same actions every week for so long now that it had become a habit totally emptied of the initial concept. A bit like when, endlessly repeating a word, he ends up focusing only on the sound, losing sight of the meaning.
Itachi had always had a slim and agile body from birth despite his illness. Having become, at a certain point in his life, a very good trapeze artist was somewhat the natural evolution of things. He had just had time to confess his health problems before fracturing his right shoulder thus putting an end to his career. This incident had allowed Itachi to reconnect with Shisui to a minimum, since he went to help him daily, together with Yahiko, until he had to be immobilized by the cast.
Sasuke, even on that occasion, ended up being almost completely buried in his detachment, he had gone a few times to find his brother, inside he was still processing what he had learned on New Year's Day.
However their relationship was on the way to unblocking. The night Itachi broke his shoulder, Sasuke was following him on television, which he had never done before; he had never even gone to see him perform live. He had to admit that he was enraptured and that his admiration for his older brother was surfacing from the layers of pain and anger he had hidden it under. He had literally stopped breathing glued to that screen, he would never have believed possible that someone could move, fly, like this.
When Itachi had fallen, Sasuke had immediately guessed that he had passed out in flight, in the truest sense of the word. He had gone down in a too clumsy and disordered way, the same as the time when he had believed him dead calling Obito.
Shisui was already a dancer at the time, even if with the minor he had not confessed that in reality it was lap dance. Sasuke caught a few words from his brother one day while he was on the phone with his cousin; he spoke softly, in monosyllables, as if he wanted to hide something from him. However, once the call ended, Itachi had unleashed one of those disarming smiles that belonged only to him, sweet and melancholy at the same time. He said that Shisui had heard about some competitions for security guards and that he intended to apply.
Sasuke hadn't said anything, just as he hadn't uttered a word the day Itachi announced that he had gotten the job, he had only limited his gaze to the ground. Sasuke had heard something screeching at that time. Maybe some detail escaped Itachi's eyes, a tremor that escaped his voice, a word said in a certain way. He couldn't tell what it was. Sasuke knew his brother even better than himself, so he could read his soul through impenetrable pupils as if he were exposed. Itachi talked a lot, actually, only that he did it with his eyes.
And it was precisely these words spoken, shouted, in that unique language in the world that led Sasuke to sit down at that Susanoo table every evening.
Obito knew about him, Shisui probably didn't. After a short while, Sasuke noticed how everyone in his family was able to speak with their eyes, more or less. He wasn't certain that the masked dancer was really Itachi, he seemed only from a certain distance but up close the tattoo was missing and his brother certainly didn't remember him so thin, this dancer was borderline acceptable.
He was different from Shisui and Yahiko, he had proved several times that he had superior skills to the other two, Sasuke would have dared to say as an acrobat. The gestures, even of the hands, had something terribly familiar. And here Sasuke was once again squinting at the weasel like a hawk stalking his prey, and like him lonely.
Yet the questions went unanswered week after week, year after year. Nagato himself seemed to suspect nothing. For everyone Itachi was a security guard so, at times, Sasuke would calm down again and call himself a fool for having thought of such an event.
Sasuke remembered very well that evening when the weasel had been won by that group of boys sitting at the table next to him, that blond boy seemed to have made the greatest conquest of his life; he shook his head, remembering instead the tall and muscular one who had come later to talk to him and to whom he had confessed some things. He had inspired in him an inexplicable trust, he seemed different from the others. He seemed to have understood him in a few moments like no other people had ever done in his whole life, he had perhaps perceived his desire to do something for Itachi if it ever came to him.
Was it possible that that blond boy at the time was the mayor? I don't think so, but he could very well be his double, who knows maybe he was a relative.
The distraction that asking this question required allowed the tears to dry on the ethereal skin of his cheeks. Sasuke put his hands back in his pockets, most of the clothes he had in his closet were black, like the turtleneck shirt and short jeans he was wearing that day. The colors were for those who were positive and joyful, certainly not for someone like him.
Itachi had often given him advice to try to spice up his outfit a bit and value himself more.
Even if you are so beautiful that you don't need anything else.
The major had concluded the speech with these words and a smile as he ruffled his hair, he had answered with an annoyed grunt as usual.
You know what, Nii – san? That once again you were right as always.
He should have gathered the courage to talk to Shisui and Obito about his doubts about the weasel, until now he had been held back by not being completely sure that it was really Itachi. Now he absolutely had to muster up the courage to face them both. His brother owed this and more, even if it meant overlooking his pride or making a mistake.
The older cousins might have laughed at him, however it didn't matter if Itachi really needed him. His hands had clenched into fists again, however he had to loosen them to grab his cell phone which had started ringing. A call from Shisui.
All right, that means I have to work up the courage to talk to you. I will do it.
"Sasuke, I passed by your house but you weren't there, I wouldn't come to the end of the world to look for you if it weren't urgent. Unfortunately Nagato has done a stupid thing; he is still safe even if we arrived just in time. Itachi and Yahiko are destroyed. If you tell me where you are, I'll join you."
Shisui had explained everything almost without catching his breath, only towards the end of the long sentence his voice had slipped down pronouncing the names of Itachi and Yahiko.
Sasuke felt a cold shiver pierce him from head to toe, he had already guessed that at the end of that day his life would probably never be the same again. He should have prepared himself to have a totally different view of the world. Renewed relationships and ties, upset certainties despite the fact that before they were more than granite and, perhaps, definitively concluding some roads to start totally new ones. Very often radical and sudden changes had had the power to relieve him from a stalemate from which he was unable to see the way out. That is why, however big this event might be, he found himself longing for it rather than fearing it.
"I'm at the port, I'll wait for you" his voice had never sounded so calm.