I left Merrill with his ex, Courtney. Seeing her jump to my friend, I got angry. I didn't find anything unnerving or crazy. She looked like a normal girl with no heavy drama. She's pretty, and rich (from what I heard), and I'm certain she's popular. And, bonus points, she's a cheerleader! They bring peppiness and spirit to the game and outside.

Above all, she's human. I can't compete with that!

All of Merrill's exes are human. He dated Alex, Lydia, Kendra, Courtney, and many more I haven't met. I'm certain none of the other exes were yokai or human. Hey, I'm his first... well, not for long. Watching Merrill easily talk with his ex in a public place made me uneasy. They looked like a picture-perfect couple. Imagine it as a rom-com sitcom: The Peppy and the Emo. They'll be on the cover of every magazine and internet screen for months. Maybe years. This is the kind of person Merrill should be with. Not a weird, talking, mutant turtle like me.

I left them alone saying I was going to the restroom. I wanted to... then, I noticed a problem: which restroom to use. So, I sat against the wall beside the restrooms hugging myself. I could easily escape but that required me to go through the front and be caught. I wanted to leave; however, I didn't have the strength to leave Merrill behind. I guess there was a small part of me that Merrill's affection for Courtney was nothing more than friendship.

Or so I hope.

I huffed. Tonight is OUR night! I waited, hyped, and prepared myself for this night! I'm gonna go over there and tell that lil' cheerleader to back the fuck off and take a hike! I stood up with conviction. I slapped my cheeks ready to head into the fray. "You got this! Nothing's gonna stop you!" I perked. "Don't stomp over to them. Walk with class. Sashay my way through. Make an entrance. Make that girl, Courtney, wish she never let him go! You got the rizz! Time to use it! Make Merrill whet his appetite!"

"My. What a motivational speech you have." I quickly turned around to see the stuck-up, beaked-nosed host narrowing his eyes. I nervously chuckled as I rubbed the back of my neck. "My night couldn't have gotten any stranger than it already has."

Well then... that piqued my interest. "Other than seeing a couple of punks step into your fancy domain? One of them one-up you in French."

The man's nostrils flared and I saw his nose hairs blowing out of their little caves. This guy needs a trim. "I am not discussing my problems with a teenager with questionable fashion sense", he said with his schnozzle up in the air.

I crossed my arms. "Says the guy who hasn't trimmed his nose hairs." The host was taken aback by my remark. "Just 'cuz I'm different doesn't mean I can't lend an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. You look like the kind of guy who holds in their tears. Maybe you're one of those closet emotional guys." I know I'm stalling. I could be marching over to the two "happy couples" talking about memories. Ugh. I SO wanted to end their happiness. I mean – COME ON! Who comes over to someone's date and talks while you're being ignored?

"I should turn in my resignation." I blinked back to reality. The man frowned deeply. "I have no respect here. Not once did Mr. Charles let me assist in the kitchen, especially with how shorthanded we are! Mr. Charles called in an old mentor of his to assist the night. I never get to see who this mentor is. All they wore is a large, filthy cloak and metal gloves. This restaurant has fallen ever since Chef Torque resigned."

Interesting. The description piqued my curiosity. Mr. Charles – I'm guessing the manager – asked his mentor to help him on short notice. I think I know who it is, but I need to check to be sure.

"You wanted to work in the kitchen? You don't strike me as a cook", I stated.

"Hmph! I majored in the Culinary Arts! I took pride in my craft", he said, puffing his chest. "I wanted to be a chef. Graduated in top honors. Now I'm reduced to escort guests to their seats. The assistant manager was not in my priorities."

I gave it some thought until... "Tell your boss you want to be a chef. If he doesn't accept then you find another restaurant to accept you. Update your resume. Open your horizons, dude."

"You know what? I agree with you! Who needs this treatment? Thank you, strange green girl!" Wow. Since I got here, the strict assistant manager had the biggest smile on his face. He marched over with aggression; he was a man on a mission.

I trailed behind him. I made sure not to look over to the pair on my table. The host I followed pushed through the double doors entering the kitchen. There was no one here. I heard they were shorthanded, but I don't see a single chef here. I watched the assistant manager walk over to a door on the far end of the kitchen. I decided to walk around the kitchen.

The stoves were already topped with pots full of stew. I sniffed the aroma. It smelled good. If I didn't know anything this was something Mikey would've made. Where's the chef?

I felt a blunt object hitting me behind my head. It was enough to make me black out. I felt my body being lifted and onto something hard. Whatever hit me I was aware of my surroundings little by little. I winced from both the head trauma and whatever I landed on. I fought off through my consciousness as such as possible. Through my haze, I was able to make out where I was. I was on the kitchen counter on a large cutting board. Some vegetables were scattered. A large cleaver was dangerously close to my head. I tried lifting my body only to be pushed back down.

"No, no, no. Dinner shouldn't move." I gasped. I know that voice anywhere. I turned my head over to see a familiar large mutant holding me down. "Who would've thought my lost meal would come back to me? I recognized your scent anywhere." The large pig's mouth started to water.

"What are you doing in a ritzy place like this, Meat Sweats?" I managed to ask. "I didn't think you would ever get your career back after your... transformation." I gave a mental pat on my back. My victory was short-lived as he roughly grabbed the front of my collar and pulled me close to his face. I was close enough to see saliva dripping from his lips.

"I dreamt of enjoying the lost delicacy which missed my grasp. All for a goth teenager with a fascination with mutant turtles", he said. His breath was making me gag; it smelled like rotten eggs and spoiled milk. "I lost you after that mishap with your rat father hiding in my truck. What a rat chase that was. Now... you're here. You have no idea how much I wanted to savor your flavor."

I cringed yet smirked. "I don't know which is worse. Your comment or your bad breath." Once again, I was thrust onto the counter. The cleaver's blade was pressed against my cheek. I failed to shiver. The mutant pig noticed.

"Once I have my fill, your goth friend will be next." Meat Sweats raised the large knife over his head. I held my breath with my eyes closed.

'You idiot! What am I? A figment of your imagination?!'

Light?

'No, I'm Misa the Hamato Wretch. Of course, I'm Light, you imbecile!'

Wow. Crabby much?

"Mr. Swaggert is this wise?" Mr. Charles asked, worried. "Isn't this rather... extreme? Sacrificing a young individual to save the restaurant's reputation?" he knew about Meat Sweats?! Did the manager hire him despite his mutation? Talk about desperate.

I tried to remove the metal glove's grip, but Meat Sweats kept a firm grip on my clothes. "Oh no. He's helping me... indulge my creativity. He escaped me while his dark boyfriend burned me ablaze." You deserved it! "Tonight's must be my lucky night. I will have my fill!"

Light growled in my mind. 'I will not be this swine's dinner! If you do not make a move, I will make one for you.'

I reached my hand over me and threw a bottle of pepper. The bottle broke in contact with his face. The spice scattered onto his nose and began sneezing after taking a whiff. He let my collar loose; I kicked the mutant-eating pig with both feet. I wasted no time in jumping on the counter.

Mr. Charles looked disturbed and uncomfortable. I don't blame him for being in his position. "Get out of here!" I told the scared human. "You don't want to be in the middle of this." The man looked at me and then at Meat Sweats before scurrying to his office at the end of the kitchen. I huffed. Like that's gonna protect him.

I flipped backward just as Meat Sweats slammed his spiked meat mallet onto the counter breaking the chopping board. His pot of boiling stew spilled onto the clean floor. He sniffed the air. "Yes..." he grinned. "Your smell is much delectable since the last we met. Something about you is different. It's making my mouth water." I cringed seeing saliva leaking out of his mouth. "I will savor your flavor." He looked at me with hunger. I had old guys look at me with "I want you" eyes. With Meat Sweats, he wanted to physically eat me! Well, I'm not gonna take it lying down. I had enough of people trying to get me. I grabbed two frying pans like that one Lou Jitsu movie where he fought a ninja master who disguised himself as a chef to kill Lou Jitsu.

"I'm not exactly your type for a hefty meal, Sweaty", I smirked, twisting my pans around. "Ever consider eating a salad? If you want to make do with your mutation, at least lose some weight. Or maybe work on your hygiene. Why do you think we call you Meat Sweats?" I managed to block his mallet by crossing the pans in front of me. The spiked end – even though it hit the pans leaving them dented – was close to my face.

"Do you enjoy hearing yourself talk? A meal should be silent." His frown switched to a hungry grin. "My mind has already come up with five exquisite dishes. Your shell would be the perfect bowl for the main entree." His saliva disgustingly dripped from his mouth.

With all the strength I could muster, I pushed Meat Sweats away; he didn't wait long to come at me again. He kept bashing his mallet with force. I used the pans to block his attacks. His brute force left dents on the pans. My wrists were starting to ache. These pans are sturdy, but they aren't like my odachi. I can't use them to summon portals. I can only defend myself. Even that wouldn't be enough. I'm up against someone who's a living tank. Heck, he's bigger than Raph!

The major problem is his ability. Meat Sweat's arms transformed into tentacles. He used them to absorb mutants with powers. Once he absorbs a mutant, he gains their power; like that video game character Kirby, but if Kirby gained a few hundred pounds, had cooking experience, and became an adult pig. At least Kirby's cuter.

My left side pan flew out of my wrist from a blunt attack. I brought my right one in front just in time to block the next attack. The pig mutant used his free hand to backslap my entire body onto the other side of the kitchen. I was glad I had a shell. I hope the impact didn't break it. I braced my balance against the wall. I was losing stamina. I need to finish this. By doing so... I need to...

'Hurry up and finish the porker! I cannot stand the way he sees us as his meal. It is disgusting!'

I couldn't agree more. This brings me back to my worry if he were to see me use my mystic powers at work. Sweaty will want to eat me more than ever. Our fight needs to end here and now!

'Then finish it! Enough with you dragging the time. You could've finished him off within a minute! Correction; within seconds! But you let your guard down. You let the pig grab you with his oversized hands. Despite them being covered in metal gloves, I can feel how unsanitary they were! Disgusting creature!'

Yeah, yeah. I get it. I don't need your nagging. Yeah... Meat Sweats needs to be stopped.

"Time you meet your end, turtle!" Meat Sweats raised his weapon for the finishing blow. My golden wings appeared acting as a giant shield. The sharp feathers were strong enough to go against Sweaty's strength. The mutant's expression was an awe. Then, he grinned menacingly. "I was right... You're much more powerful than the last we met. The wings are new... I can't wait to have your power... I'm debating whether to eat you or keep you... what do you think?" I shivered as I gritted my teeth. God, he's worse than the old perverts I ran into before. He whammed his weapon against my feathers; the metal rang with a hollowed echo. I hissed. I'm protected, but my feathers are sensitive even though they do become swords. Regardless, Meat Sweats kept banging on my wings with every strike. I can't push him back with his attacks coming forward with heavy force.

Minutes later, Meat Sweats became slower. As he raised his mallet for another strike, I used my wings to push the large pig away. He was dumbfounded by my comeback. Then, he charged at me with forced stamina. I easily dodged his attacks. I flapped my wings pushing him back again; it flew back out the two doors and onto the restaurant.

If I knew my fight was annoying, I didn't expect another fight out here. Merrill had his hands full. He looked exhausted. His nice clothes were out of place. Even his face was ruffled. Like I'm one to talk. My nice clothes were just as bad as his. I'm glad my wig is in place. I noticed the customers were trapped in shadows. Courtney was in a daze; a daze I remembered too well. One mutant had the power to hypnotize a crowd without a problem.

"Such beauty!" I shivered as I saw Hypnopotamus running up to me with a bouquet of roses. "My angel!"

"OH, hell no!" I grabbed a nice vase close to me and smashed it over the mutant hippo's face. Hypno dropped his flowers to wipe away the shards. Merrill laughed loudly that his shadows disappeared; the customers dropped like dead flies.

"Finished powdering your nose?" my date teased, wiping off a happy tear. As much as I wanted to tease back, my issue was just as big as he has.

"Game face on, Merrill. We got a bigger problem than my so-called admirer",I said looking at the kitchen doors.

"What's worse than MC Hammer?"

"Where's my dinner?!" Speak of the devil, Meat Sweats burst through the doors with his hammer in hand.

"Meatsweats?!" Merrill shouted in surprise.

"Well, well, well. Goth Boy and his Pretty Turtle united in one place."

"Who the dickens are you?" Hypno asked the mutant chef.

"I'm the turtles' archnemesis!"

"You! I'm the turtles' archnemesis!"

Two enemies in one place... not how I wanted to spend my first date with Merrill. Why's everything going downhill so fast? I thought seeing one of Merrill's exes would be a bump on the road. I hated how she threw herself on him without noticing his date's sitting across the table. I wanted to slap the innocent look off her perfect face. Instead, I retreated.

My night became a bumpy road with sinkholes. The two big ones belong to Hypno and Meat Sweats. Can't I ever have one night without dealing with something to destroy me or the people I care about?

"I'm here to have the blue turtle as my meal", Sweaty told to the mutant magician. "You can have the goth."

"Come the fuck on! How many times do I gotta tell people I ain't Goth?! There's a big ass difference!" Merrill accused.

"Now's not the time to have an emo-goth spiel, Merr", I murmured as I stood beside him. Merrill grew closer to my side. Shadows engulfed his arms and grew into claws.

"Merr... that sounds hot coming from you." My face grew hot after I heard him say that.

"Can you not be so... charming right now", I said, pulling two feathers out and feeling them turning into swords.

"Why? You never had a problem with it before." Merrill leaped forward to Hypno which the hippo responded by throwing his playing cards at him. Merrill ricochet them with his claws.

I used the swords to block Meat Sweats' attack. "Maybe it's because we have two mutants that are attacking us!" I pushed my opponent back with my added strength along with a twisted kick. "You should be focusing on them and saving the civilians."

I looked over to see Merrill do a backflip kick. "Alright. Since when did you become Elsa before she went to the mountains? I can feel your cold shoulder on stage." Hypno brought out a metal rod from his sleeve. The hippo charged at Merrill. They exchanged blow after blow.

'Pay attention, idiot!' I listened to Light's advice returning my focus to the raging pig. For some reason, his stamina came back like it wasn't drained minutes ago.

"Is he comparing you to a Disney princess?" the pig asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Hey! She's a queen! Anyway, how am I like Elsa?" I asked Merrill.

"I have seen the movie and you do give Elsa-first-movie vibes."

I growled as I summoned five swords and thrust them to the pig. "Stay out of this Sweaty!" He became distracted by the flying blades. I stomped over to the stage where Merrill threw Hypno off the stage colliding with the other mutant. The swords buzzed around them like mad hornets, stinging them left and right.

"Why're you getting mad at me? What the fuck did I do?" Merrill questioned with a raised eyebrow.

I crossed my arms with a huff. "Why should I tell you what you did wrong?"

My date jumped off the stage. "Gee, I don't know. There's a small thing called communication. It starts with a conversation. Let's try it."

I gritted my teeth. He wanted to communicate. Ha! Don't make me laugh! "Didn't you communicate enough with Court My Yard?"

Merrill blinked before he became just as angry as I was. "Seriously?! Our conversation didn't even last that long! Hell, she even felt sorry for coming over to our table!"

I rolled my eyes. "Save your excuses for someone who cares! I sure as hell don't!"

"When did you become a bitter turtle?"

"When did you become an oblivious goth?"

"Wow. "Oblivious." Pulling out the dictionary words to impress me?"

"What? Just because I don't pull out big words I can't be book smart? I'm not fucking stupid!"

"I never said you were!"

"You were thinking of it!"

"No, I wasn't!"

"Fuck you, Merrill!"

"Fuck you, too, cabron!"

After we yelled at each other, we realized how close we were to how close our bodies were. He heaved exhaustedly from all the yelling we made. Why did I ever say yes to going out with him? I knew it would never work out.

...I knew I got my hopes up for nothing...

Suddenly, a long rope appeared and tied us together chest to chest – well, chest to plastron. My face got buried in Merrill's chest. I looked over to where the rope led. Hypno and Meat Sweats were grinning from ear to ear.

"Ah, you got to love a lover's quarrel," the hippo said, keeping a hold on the rope's end. Sweaty leaned against a metal box. "It's both dramatic and distracting."

"WE'RE NOT HAVING A LOVER'S QUARREL!" me and Merrill objected in unison.

"Looks like it from my end", the pig added his two cents. "Enough time for us to come to an agreeable truce. Two magic-wielding individuals and two of us. I can have the Light power while my associate can keep the Dark magic. A fair trade."

"Up yours, Porkbelly!" Merrill gave off a weak comeback.

Meat Sweats stepped aside. "Will you do the honors, my friend?"

Hypno's grin grew wider. "With pleasure, old pal." Hypno thrust us into a box which it immediately locked up tight. Chains were heard from the other side. It wrapped our box tight. No light was found within. We were sitting ducks.

"Whelp. This doesn't beat my Top 5 Weirdest Dates." I growled, glaring up at Merrill through the darkness.