Disclaimer: The following characters are owned by their respective companies and creators.
Author's Notes:
Hello and welcome again to an Infinity Crisis one shot but this is going to be extremely different this time and I want to straight up say that this was me basically going hogwild writing the most violent story I can think of given the subject matter being Deadpool.
It is very, very violent, gory and gratuitous by design through and through. And it's a big risk for me as this can go either way with reactions, especially since I'm playing very fast and loose with the improv for the story. This can be someone's cup of tea or not for someone else and that's okay. If you're not a fan of overly violent stories, I highly advise not reading it. But if you are, then thank you for reading and hope you enjoy it.
Earth-201625 (The Loud House variant universe where it'll be a Canon event for dark and gritty. Yeah spoiler alert.)
A white haired boy in an orange shirt, jeans and white sneakers spoke in confusion.
"Well, I don't know how this happened but today has been crazy-"
He was then interrupted by a black and red gloved hand snapping their fingers in in front of his face.
"Hey! Hey! Hey, Snow White!" Said an annoyed voice that sounded like Ryan Reynolds.
"Hey, whose story is this? Whose fanfic is this?" He berated the boy. "Yeah, mine! My new movie's coming out! Besides, I lasted longer before The Loud House even existed. I have more comics than your goddamn seasons."
A man in a black and red body suit took center stage.
"Hi, I'm Deadpool." The merc with a mouth introduced himself in a polite manner. "You may remember me from New Mutants #98, my two awesome movies and a third one by the time you read this, followed by Not Another Deadpool Movie, The Lego Deadpool Movie and my hit early 80s and early 90s sitcom Rorschach and Deadpool."
"Who's he talking to?" Asked one of the blonde girls named Lori who from her angle seemed like he was talking to no one.
Or was he?
"Hey, hey, just went over the fanfic thing with the boy." Deadpool wagged his index finger in a condescending manner. "But since you asked, you're all wondering why I'm here and why I tied your parents up like this is The Ref."
He gestured to the parents of the ten girls and one boy who were tied to a chair back to back, bound and gagged.
"Well..." Lynn scratched the back of her head as she replied, "yeah?"
The other children murmured in agreement.
"What's The Ref?" Asked Leni.
"You know, the R Rated Christmas comedy with Denis Leary with Kevin Spacey, which fuck that guy, Google why." Deadpool said before he added hastily, "actually, no don't. Some of you are way too young to know what he did. I have my morals. And I was in Deadpool and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Adaptation of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day."
"Disney wanted that G Rating but nope, I said it was R Rated or bust." He then added.
"You have morals about children, and yet you carry guns and bladed weaponry." Lisa bluntly said as she pointed out the hypocrisy.
"Hey, I'm a mercenary." Deadpool counter argued. "It's a requirement. You don't give the Mandalorian guy shit when he has Baby Yoda beside him."
"Oooh, you said a bad word!" Lola exclaimed.
"Hey, zip it, missing tooth." Deadpool shot back with an insult.
"How dare you?!" Lola angrily growled after she gasped.
"Trust me kid, adults say a lot worse than me." Deadpool retorted. "Besides, don't be hypocrites. Your show makes fart jokes like, twenty four seven! Don't act like you're above insults!"
"Hey, you don't talk to my sister like that!" Lana angrily exclaimed with her sisters and brothers shouting in agreement.
"Hey, I don't go after children but doesn't mean I can't insult them back." Deadpool said. "Come on, Pigpen, gonna call your friend Charlie Brown?"
"I ought to knock your block off!" Lana growled as she rolled up her sleeves.
"Oooh, you gonna kick me in the shins?" Deadpool mocked gasped before saying in a normal tone, "Besides, I haven't even said why I'm here. It's not a home invasion. This isn't The Strangers."
"Then why are you here exactly?" Asked Lori.
"Well, time for an exposition dump!" Said Deadpool as he cracked his neck and downed half a bottle of Jack Daniels after lifting his mask to expose his mouth.
"Now..." The merc belched upon pulling his mask down. "I come from what the writer of this fanfic calls Earth-030165. That got destroyed but I ended up in that Urkel nerd's basement where he had a dimension hopping device which was just a reskinned version of his time travel wrist thingy."
He then gave an aside glance.
"Oh relax, I didn't shoot him, nostalgia nerds." He said before turning back to the Loud siblings to continue.
"So anyway, I stole the thing and well, been hopping through the multiverse, shooting some targets, got in my first direct to video movie The Scorpion Merc 2: Rise of a Wade, directed The Passion of the Deadpool which I won an Oscar for, suck it Mel Gibson. Pissed off and made a lot of enemies on the way and they somehow got multiversal travel and I've kind of been on the run since. You ever seen The Fugitive?"
The Loud siblings stared blankly at Deadpool in response.
"What?" Leni asked in confusion.
"What, The Fugitive?" Deadpool inquired. "You know, the old TV show that that movie Harrison Ford is based on and then that reboot with the guy from Wings and that 90s Superman cartoon?"
"No, dude." Luna shook her head. "What does all that have to do with why you're here."
The doorbell rang.
"Excuz moi." Deadpool said as he walked to the front door as he took the safety off the 9mm pistol.
He grabbed the doorknob and dutifully opened the door to reveal a pizza man at the front porch.
"That will be nineteen dollars and eighty-" the Pizza delivery man said before being interrupted seeing Deadpool aim the gun at his head nonchalantly.
"It's on the house, man!" The Pizza delivery mam screamed as he shoved the Pizza to Deadpool and ran away in a mad panic.
"And that's how you do it, Macaulay Culkin." Deadpool quipped as he closed the door with his foot whilst carrying the Pizza.
As he came back to the living room, the Loud siblings and their parents stared at him in horror over witnessing him threatening the Pizza delivery man.
"Oh come on, I wasn't going to shoot him!" Deadpool said as he scoffed at the accusation.
"Now here's more," Deadpool said as he took a bite out of his cheese pizza.
"Now, who I pissed off?" He said with his mouth full. "Well, for starters, I pissed off two alien races in different universes. You seen that War of the Worlds TV show from the 80s?"
"...No?" Lincoln said after a pause as the question left everyone confused.
"First, that show retconned a lot of things about the movie. Okay, maybe a few." Deadpool continued. "But one universe I went where the aliens called the Mor-Tax, which seriously? Martians too silly of a name now? Or whatever, those dudes won in another universe as opposed to their actual one and then there's that weird second season introduced a new set of aliens who look and act like Nazis, yeah I went to a different universe where they won than the other guys and basically I killed the leader of the latter which was some one eye blob thing with tentacles that would fit right in a hentai and the former, well, let's just say The Advocacy what they call themselves, didn't like I blew up most of their guys in an incident involving a boombox."
Another awkward pause from the Loud Siblings and parents as they stared at him incredulously.
"Dude, how did you even blow up somebody with a boombox?" Asked a confused Luna Loud.
"No, I said it involved a boombox, Joan Jett." Deadpool retorted in a snippy manner. "Boom. Box. That's what we call a noodle incident. And I have a lot of those like this next one and I swear that's the last story."
The Loud siblings groaned and face palmed while the parents rolled their eyes.
"See, then I went to a universe where Serpentor and Cobra-La won with that spores plan. Ever seen G.I. Joe The Movie?" Deadpool said. "Yeah, that one. The one with the weird snake people. To make a long story short, someone named Pighead tried to attack me thinking I was another guy and we both just happened to have a bomb and we basically had our fingers on a big red button and destroyed much of Cobra-La save for a couple of guys, fun times."
"You ever seen Trigun?" He then asked the Loud siblings who rapidly shook their heads "no."
"Fuck, I'm old." Deadpool said in a disappointed tone. "Point is, I'm the humanoid typhoon equivalent. Or at least I should say mutant. Got a healing factor, want to see?"
The Loud siblings screamed "no" in response as soon as they saw him with a pocket and was about to cut out his thumb.
"It's not that bad." Groaned Deadpool as he put away the pocket knife.
"Oh..." He yelped as he felt something.
"What did you do?" Asked Lynn.
"I think I stabbed my thigh by accident." He replied simply.
The Loud siblings screamed a resounding "ewww!"
"It's not that bad, chill!" Deadpool exclaimed. "It'll heal! It's like a paper cut. Hurts like a bitch for about five seconds."
"Oh and forgot to mention," Deadpool then began to add. "I stole a Ferrari before coming here and before that, I accidentally unleashed all variants of myself in the multiverse. Met a variant who's that kid from Everybody Hates Chris, another who's that guy from The Good Place and The Acolyte, a Trans man Deadpool, Dogpool, Catpool, a Trans woman Deadpool, all the Deadpools! I couldn't be so proud."
Deadpool wiped off a tear of joy shedding down from his eye. Even though that should not be possible given he was wearing a mask.
"So...what was the point of this?" Asked Lucy.
"Hello! Exposition?" Deadpool exclaimed before he added, "That and set up because all three groups I pissed off all teamed up and they're in front of your house right now."
"What?!" The Loud siblings exclaimed in shock.
"Oh yeah, it's a shitstorm!" Deadpool said. "Just like in Deadporizon: A Canadian Saga - Chapter 1!"
"I even met Yondu." He then added. "Had a couple of drinks that ended with an arrow in my ass."
"Don't you mean on your butt?" Luan asked hesitantly.
"No. In. My. Ass." Deadpool punctuated each word. "Keywords being in and ass."
It finally dawned on the Loud siblings what he meant. To which they shuddered at the thought.
"Eh, I've had worse." Deadpool shrugged nonchalantly. "You should see what they did to me in X-Men Origins: Wolverine."
"I'm surprised the writer didn't go for Daleks, Deceptions or Cybermen." He then added. "Those are often his go to bad guys. Almost like the writer picked villains he doesn't like or finds acceptable to kill off."
As Deadpool peered through the window, he saw that all three groups that consisted of the remnants of Cobra-La, the Mor-Taxans and the Morthren. They all stood side by side albeit reluctantly with empty police cars and vans across the neighborhood, to which Deadpool could only guess all three parties stole them. Their respective leaders all glared daggers at the merc with a mouth.
"Damn, we're in a tight spot!" Deadpool exclaimed as he quoted a George Clooney movie.
"We?" Lincoln and his siblings shouted aghast with his sisters voicing their objections to the mercenary.
"No way, we have nothing to do with all this!" Lori shouted. "You're the one holding us hostage and made enemies out of a lot of these people!"
"Oh come on! Like you haven't pissed off people yourself before?" Retorted Deadpool in protest. "Like that weird lady from Scotland. Seriously, did that sex pest creator before he was fired from his own show think of that plot for your movie?"
"Remember our deal." Malzor, the leader of the Morthren said to Golabulous, the leader of Cobra-La. "This alliance is only temporary to kill our mutual enemy."
"I have just the enforcer to accomplish our goal." Golabulous said in assurance. "On our way to this universe, we did recruit a mercenary of our own."
Walking out of one of the police vans was a large muscular man with tanned skin in black leather and a black and white mask with red eyes.
"This is Bane." Golabulous introduced him to his comrades. "This particular variant, like his counterpart on Earth-1992, was sent by Rupert Thorne to dispose of the Batman. But unlike his counterpart, he was successful."
"Fascinating choice." One of the Mor-Taxans said, who like his colleagues of The Advocacy, was dressed in a gas mask and a dark cloak. "But why not send one of your own men?"
"The last time I sent Nemesis Enforcer against that maniac, he was somehow overpowered." Golabulous said bitterly. "But, we may finally have an advantage."
"We have one of our own." The Mor-Taxan said.
Standing beside the rest of the Mor-Taxan Advocacy was a woman with a large 80s perm and dressed in all black clothing, even wearing black gloves.
"This is Q'Tara." The Mor-Taxan introduced. "A synth from the planet Qar'To. They originally wanted us dead but we have agreed to put aside our differences for now on the account of this Deadpool being a threat to us all."
"And lastly, we have ours." Malzor said as a blonde Caucasian male in white and red armor with a bow and arrow stood next to him.
"A villainous variant of Shaft from a team called Youngblood." Malzor introduced his own champion.
"Quite the eclectic group." A pale faced yet reptilian esque woman named Pythona remarked.
"It does not matter in the end who is the best." Serpentor said as Nemesis Enforcer stood beside him and nodded in agreement at his every word. "What matters is seeing that loudmouth buffoon dead! This I command!"
"To life immortal." The Mor-Taxans chanted.
"Wow, this really feels like Maggie Wilson in The Longest Day-eadpool." Deadpool remarked. "Won an Oscar for that too. I even beat that documentary about a guy harassing an octopus."
"I highly doubt those are real movies." Lisa bluntly remarked.
"Zip it, Little Einstein!" Deadpool shouted. "Nobody likes a smartass!"
Suddenly, everyone heard loud banging on the door.
"And here comes trouble." Deadpool said before turning to the Loud siblings.
"You might want to go upstairs," He said to the children as he held up his 9mm pistol. "It's about to get fucking messy."
"Really, really fucking messy." He added as he took the safety off.
"What about our parents?" Lori asked out of concern.
"Oh they'll be out of harm's way." Deadpool assured the children.
"How do you know we can trust you?" Lincoln asked skeptically.
"I haven't shot them." Deadpool said simply.
"Well, I can't argue with that logic." Lisa said after a moment of pause as she felt resigned to Deadpool's logic.
"We'll go but don't back off on your promise!" Lincoln warned the mercenary.
"Cross my heart, you know the rest." Deadpool said as he flipped a pocket knife.
The knife ended up stabbing the palm of his hand by accident.
"I can fix that." Deadpool said as he held up his stabbed hand.
As the Loud siblings went upstairs in spite of their hesitation. They left Deadpool alone and their parents panicking that they were left behind.
"Alright," Deadpool turned his head back and forth to cracked his neck. "In the immortal words of Public Enemy, bring the noise!"
"Yeah, I know somebody in that one episode of Fresh Prince said it first but fuck it, the writer's a pop culture junkie anyway."
After three more bangs on the door, Deadpool tipped over the couch, for the sole purpose of acting as cover and immediately grabbed the curtains and placed them on the parents much to their chagrin.
"You're gonna want to miss this too." He said to the parents.
With that, he ducked behind the couch overdramatically.
He then grabbed a gym bag on the floor and began to pull out all sorts of weapons.
"I stole this from a Time Lord named Tecteun." Deadpool whispered. "She wanted me in The Division but then fired me because I was too crazy. So I stole a TARDIS bag as a 'fuck you.'"
Suddenly, a familiar brown fur mouse walked by and took notice of the mercenary by surprise.
In response, Deadpool pulled out his 9mm pistol. The mouse in response tried to run but the merc with a mouth slammed the palm of his hand on his tail.
The brown mouse then turned around to see the mercenary with the weapon in hand but did not think much further as the mouse got shot in the head as soon as Deadpool pulled the trigger with a mini splash of blood splattering on the wall.
"Oh don't act so surprised the writer wanted an excuse to kill Jerry the Mouse even if it didn't make sense." Deadpool made his rebuttal.
After one last bang, the door was blasted open. Bane, Q'Tara and Shaft barged in as they quickly surveys the area.
"He's not here!" Shaft said. "Go up stairs, he may be hiding there."
"Psyche, motherfucker!" Deadpool shot out from behind the couch and fired both the 9mm pistol and a shotgun at Shaft; shooting him from the crotch to his forehead.
Shaft did not have time to react due to the surprise attack. Blood splattered on the wall after he was shot in the chest.
With that, he collapsed on the floor, dead.
"This is where the fun begins!" Deadpool quoted Anakin Skywalker with breathless enthusiasm.
"I will handle this buffoon." Bane said to Q'Tara.
Bane turned the dial on the mechanism on his arm and his muscles began to bulk up and gain more muscle mass thanks to the venom coursing through his body.
He then charged at the merc with a mouth.
"Wow, a DC villain?" Deadpool remarked in surprise. "I thought the writer would have went with a Marvel villain at least."
Before Deadpool had time to react, however, as he received a big punch in the face. Hard enough that he was flung to a wall and dropped both weapons.
"I so do not pity the insurance companies who are gonna ask questions." Deadpool remarked in a daze.
Bane then peeled him off the wall and flung him into another wall. The mercenary crashed through it with his legs comically sticking out and his head covered in broken plaster.
Bane grabbed his legs to remove him from the wall and pound him all over the floor as if Deadpool were a hammer. Constantly pounding and pounding. And yet he still appeared intact given his healing factor.
Bane lifted him up by his right leg, now face to face with the merc with a mouth himself.
"I don't suppose you know the shady shit Vince McMahon has done, right?" Asked Deadpool in a smart ass manner.
"I will break you!" Exclaimed Bane. "I will crush you!"
"Scream my name! Bane!" He then screamed at Deadpool.
"Yeah, there's something called mouthwash and toothpaste." Deadpool quipped. "Have you heard of it?"
Annoyed, Bane lifted Deadpool above his head. If you read Knightfall, you likely know what he intended to do next.
"Now, I must break your back!" Bane screamed.
"And this is the part where I accomplish the writer's dream what they always wanted to do with Bane." Deadpool whispered.
He managed to quickly take out his pocket knife and jammed it inside the device that allowed the venom into Bane's bloodstream to the point of the blade going through the muscular man's wrist.
"Huh?" A confused Bane made a noise as not only he felt the pain but also what Deadpool had done.
Suddenly, the device malfunctioned and Bane's muscles began to bulge abnormally to very unhealthy degrees.
"No! No!" Bane screamed in horror as he completely dropped Deadpool onto the floor. "What did you do?! The venom! Can't stop it!!!"
Deadpool literally picked himself up and stood upright to witness Bane in extreme pain as he could not stop the malfunctioning device due to his now oversized hands.
Bane screamed in pain as his muscles continued to grow in ludicrous size to the point of his clothes starting to rip. His mask started to fall apart at the seams, his pants breaking apart, as was his black tank top.
"HELP MEEEEE!!!!!" Bane screamed in ludicrous agony pain.
"Whoa, I'm so glad I do not take steroids!" Deadpool remarked.
Q'Tara stared at Bane in awe, utterly confused as to what transpired.
Bane screamed to the highest volume as now his muscles were grown to even more ludicrous degrees like a living balloon to the point of his eyes bulging out after the eyes on his mask broke apart, appearing more and more red by each second. He more now resembled an even bad art piece by Rob Liefeld as if he drew the third act of Akira.
"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!" Screamed Bane. "I AM INVINCIBLE! I. AM. BANE!!!!!"
"Did you just you just belch that last word?" Deadpool asked as he swore Bane burped as he yelled.
Finally, after appearing like a grotesque monster of muscles, and after screaming "Mommy", Bane exploded. His body completely decimated after receiving so much venom that the entire living room, kitchen and the Loud parents were covered in blood and literal guts spread all over that even a huge amount of blood splashed all over Deadpool, who stood still and did not even flinch. While Q'Tara simply ducked.
"Yeah," Deadpool grunted as he wiped blood off his mask. "Someone definitely owes me a dry cleaning bill."
Suddenly, a laser blast flew past the merc with a mouth. He turned around to see Q'Tara, the last remaining assassin standing attempting to fire at him in a rather weird stance that would seem like it was Kung fu but really not. A white person's idea of Kung fu at least i.e. very baffling.
"Two down, one more to go." Deadpool declared as he placed the 9mm pistol back on the holster and unleashed his twin katana.
"Time to go all Highlander on your ass." He said as he got into a fighting stance himself. "Funny enough, Ryan Reynolds was supposed to be in the Highlander reboot. Did you know that?"
"You are very obnoxious and disturbing." Q'Tara remarked.
"I've been called worse." Deadpool shrugged in response. "Now, let's go crazy said Prince."
Q'Tara raised at the remark, clearly did not understand the reference.
"You are a very unusual human." Q'Tara said before she fired from her hands again.
"Whoa!" Deadpool shouted as he ducked. "Strike one!"
The synth fired again, only for Wade to deflect the blast back at her but managed to narrowly avoid the blast. She had also managed to slide past the merc with a mouth when he attempted to charge at her as he tried to stab her with the katana.
The synth grabbed his right arm and threw him into another wall.
The synth went back to her firing posture, but did not had time to react as Deadpool threw one of the katana at her chest as it stabbed through her. And immediately, he leapt into mid air with the other katana and sliced off her head.
"There can be only one, motherfucker!" He shouted. "I always wanted to say that."
Suddenly, the headless synth started to strange Deadpool's neck. He glanced at the decapitated head of Q'Tara as he deduced from her facial expressions, she was controlling her headless body.
As Deadpool dropped the other katana, he grabbed a magnum .50 from another holster, he aimed the weapon at her forehead.
"No season two for you!" He wheezed as he was choked before he fired the weapon at the synth's head, which promptly exploded upon impact by the bullet.
Finally, the headless body ceased the choking and plopped to the floor, dead.
"No seriously, she was supposed to be in season two of War of the Worlds but that whole twist thing in the last episode was never expanded thanks to Paramount firing everyone." He randomly said.
Suddenly, the merc with a mouth was then tackled by Nemesis Enforcer, who had a rather vengeful expression on his face.
"Oh hey!" Deadpool recognized his apparent foe in astonishment. "Didn't I shoot you in the balls once?"
Angered by the remark, the Cobra-La enforcer began his attempt to bash the mercenary's head in on the floor.
Thinking quickly however, Deadpool grabbed the 9mm pistol from his holster and shot at the crotch of his opponent.
Nemesis Enforcer reacted in pain and shock to the point of screaming a high falsetto.
Using his feet, Deadpool kicked off the injured Cobra-La enforcer and grabbed the katana from the once synth's chest and stabbed Nemesis Enforcer through the chest-pinning him to the floor.
As the merc with a mouth aimed the pistol, he uttered, "You know, Larry Hama always hated Cobra-La. So, I'm doing him a favor."
Nemesis Enforcer had a look of fear on his face, a rare occurrence for the once proud Cobra-La warrior, whose life now ceased to exist as Deadpool fired multiple rounds at his head. Directly onto his face twenty seven times.
"Now..." Deadpool then said as he flexed and cracked his fingers after putting the weapon back in his holster. "But first..."
The mercenary reached into the TARDIS gym bag and grabbed a spare copy of his costume. He stepped into a kitchen and not long after five seconds, he now wore his clean back up suit as he walked back into the living room.
"Always bring a spare." Deadpool said. "And now..."
He reached into the gym bag again to suddenly pull out a minigun and a boombox, to which he placed the latter on the floor. And pressed the on button.
Blaring from the speakers was The Heat is On by Glenn Frey.
"Time to make a body count bigger than Winnie-the-Deadpool: Blood Chimichangas 2." Deadpool said as he rammed the minigun through the window.
"What on Earth is he doing?!" Serpentor demanded as he saw the minigun.
"Now, what to say before I fire?" Deadpool pondered as he hoped to get the timing right before the saxophone part would kick in from his song of choice.
Wade's Brain
A group of anthropomorphic emotions, all with the heads of Deadpool's mask despite their different colored bodies watched the monitor.
"Okay people." Deadpool Joy, who sounded like Ryan Reynolds as well, addressed his comrades. "Put on your thinking caps, we got to think of something cool to say before he kicks some ass."
"Won't he get killed?" An anxious Deadpool Anxiety popped out of nowhere as he ran in circles as Deadpool Joy pondered in thought. "What if they fire first? We might might not get another moment like this!!"
"Fucker, relax!" Deadpool Anger screamed at Deadpool Anxiety.
"I'm just glad he had a spare suit." Deadpool Disgust remarked as he gagged at the thought of a stained suit.
"That Bane guy was scary." Deadpool Fear remarked.
"I loved that lady's hair!" Deadpool Envy exclaimed.
"I hope the kids will get the proper therapy after all this." Deadpool Sadness said.
"Can we get this over with?" Deadpool Ennui said in his usual bored tone as he lounged on the couch with his phone.Deadpool Joy then stared at Deadpool Embarrassment for any input, to which he could only shrug and turn away as he zipped his hoodie over his eyes.
"I got it!" Deadpool Joy exclaimed just as he pressed a button on the control panel.
Earth-201625
"Doug Walker is a pretentious, entitked whiny shithead, media illiterate, pigshit motherfucker who knows nothing, so he can kiss my ass, that fuckhead!" Screamed Deadpool.
'Yeah, that'll work!' Deadpool Joy enthusiastically shouted.
"Time to Terminator 2 this shit!" Deadpool shouted as he fired the minigun just as his song choice started to kick in with the saxophone.
"Duck!" Screamed Malzor as he did so.
Much of the Cobra-La survivors, Mor-Taxans and Morthrens ducked behind the police cars and vans as the merc with a mouth fired upon them. Save for one Cobra-La Royal Guard as where there were five of them who joined their superiors, one did not duck and tried to fire at Wade with their own weapon.
Except he did not even fire a single thing as he quickly got shot by Deadpool as he recieved a barrage of bullets by the minigun, almost like doing a little dance upon getting hit by the bullets before dropping to the ground dead.
The rest of the enemies remained shielded behind the stolen vehicles as they were being destroyed by the minigun. Windows shattered, bullet holes on the doors and bumpers, even deflated tires. Even a few of the Morthrens who randomly stood up and desired to fight. But they were quickly shot by Deadpool.
Finally, the minigun ceased firing as it finally ran out of bullets.
"Well, shit." Said the disappointed mercenary.
"Oh well!" He then shrugged as he threw aside the minigun.
Returning to the bag, Deadpool then pulled an M79 grenade launcher much to his delight.
"Thank you!" He mouthed underneath his mask at the ceiling as if he thanked a higher power.
Placing the grenade launcher through the same hole in the window as the minigun, he fired at a random Mor-Taxan of The Advocacy who made the unwise decision to look up to see if Deadpool had cease fired. He obviously did not.
In turn, said Mor-Taxan had half his body blown up in a firey mess with the bottom collapsing to the ground like a rock.
"Score, bitch!" He shouted with glee as he pumped his fist.
Wade fired again. This time at a SWAT van. The grenade went underneath the van and blew up. The force of the explosion strong enough to flip it upside down in midair and landed on most of the other Cobra-La Royal guards. Save for one who dived out of the way.
But the rest screamed as they saw the van about to fall on them. They screamed a high pitched scream squeal as the van crushed them upon impact, leaving them a bloody mess.
"My troops!" Golabulous screamed in horror.
Deadpool fired another grenade at point blank range that hit the ground rather than anyone. That was until one of the Morthrens decided to charge until Deadpool blew up his head with the grenade launcher and the headless body comically landed on its back.
Malzor in response, screamed in anger as he tore a part of his hair. But not before ducking when Deadpool fired seven more rounds of the grenade launcher.
"Okay, I'm bored already." Deadpool said. "Time for my Mortal Kombat Fatality."
"You're gonna have to lie down for this." He said as he knocked down both parents to the floor with his right foot.
Back outside, the three villainous parties stood up from their cover as they felt it was safe to ready their attack.
"There's a reason I'm set up with stealing a Ferrari." Deadpool said as he held up a button.
"Breaking Bad reference or Saw 3D reference?" He then said. "You decide!"
With that, he ducked as he pressed the button.
Alarmed, the Cobra-La denizen, Serpentor, the Mor-Taxans and the Morthren turned around to see a most unexpected sight; the trunk on the Ferrari opened to reveal a machine gun with half a Deadpool mask stretched open to make the visual of a mouth.
All parties did not have time to react due to both the sight of it all and the fact that it immediately open fired on them. The Morthrens were shot first.
The rest of the Morthrens fell dead, along with the head scientist of the Morthrens, Mana. Who fell after being shot in the chest, forehead and even the eyes.
Malzor had it the worst as the bullets pierced through his chest a rapid forty five times, even shot in the crotch.
The Mor-Taxans, basically the entire Advocacy, were next as the machine gun turned to them. The bullets managed to hit and pierce through their masks of their containment suits. Breaking the eye holes open and in response, their third arms burst through their chests as they screamed in pain as they felt Earth's atmosphere affecting them, as well as the bullets being lodged deep into their bodies and fell over.
Finally, the machine gun targeted the rest of the Cobra-La survivors. Serpentor received the most bloody shots of them all besides Golabulous as each bullet pierced through his chest, legs, neck, crotch and forehead. Followed by the last Cobra-La Royal Guard who tried to reflect the bullets with his bladed weapon but the sheer number of bullets overwhelmed him and not only did the bullets pierced through his body, but a few bullets were powerful enough to literally shoot his head off after being shot in the eyes. Followed by the crotch and legs until the royal guard keeled over.
Pythona in her case, the bullets shot through her chest, followed by a shot in her forehead. The momentum caused her to fall backwards in a bloody mess.
Finally, Golabulous was shot in a bloody mess as much as Serpentor when he was shot in the chest multiple times to the point of his skeletal ribcage exposed in a bloody fashion and then shot in the forehead and even his snake tail being cut in half by the barrage of bullets until he slumped to the floor dead.
The machine gun continued to fire for a few minutes as the Loud House itself was penetranted by the bullets-destroying the entirety of the living room and kitchen, and even destroying the boombox. Finally, the weapon was out of bullets with the gun now literally firing nothing.
"Bitchin'!" Deadpool exclaimed as he shot up."Did Walter White survive that?" He gloated. "No I tell you! No!"
He surveyed the damage and to his surprise, even the Loud house suffered damage from broken windows and more holes in the walls thanks to the bullets.
To his relief however, the merc with a mouth saw the Loud parents struggling to free themselves underneath the sheet. Which indicated they were still alive.
"Oh like the writer was going to kill off The Loud House characters." Laughed Wade as he gave an aside glance. "Come on, he has no grudge against them."
"Well except for Chris Savino, fuck that guy." He then added.
Deadpool then reached into his wallet and tossed ten one hundred dollars bills on the floor.
"Here," The merc with a mouth said to the parents. "Thousand dollars for therapy. Give me credit, I'm not a monster. I'm just fucking crazy."
With that, he stepped out of the Loud House with his bag in tow and walked right into the front yard as he started to survey the damage he committed.
He stared at the gory mess before him as there were bodies covered in pools of blood everywhere.
Deadpool whistled in amazement.
"Man, I'm good!"
He then walked over to the body of Malzor, whose blood was pouring out of his mouth and squealed in fright upon seeing Deadpool.
"Leave me alone!" He exclaimed and begged in fear.
"You may have killed me, but our spirit-!"
He was cut off by the mercenary stuffing the 9mm pistol into the Morthren's mouth.
"Who fucking cares, Nazi?" Deadpool retorted.
Malzor stared at him fear much to the delight of the merc with a mouth.
"No season three for you, Mr. Alien Nazi." Taunted Deadpool before going into a Mr. Rogers impression. "Can you say, 'bang?'"
Malzor muffled his scream until finally, he was silenced by the gun shooting him through the mouth and through the back of his head.
Malzor now lay on the ground dead as Deadpool removed the gun from the mouth. But as he began to walk away, the mercenary walked back just to shoot multiple rounds at Malzor's head nineteen times.
He stood in place for a moment before he fired seven more rounds.
Deadpool started to walk toward Serpentor but took notice at the last Mor-Taxan, the last member of The Advocacy, twitching and using its struggling third arm to strike at the merc with a mouth to no avail.
Underneath his mask, Deadpool rolled his eyes.
"We...will..." The Mor-Taxan struggled to say as he coughed up blood.
"Yeah, yeah, Mor-Tax will want my head, yadda yadda. You're only here because the writer wanted a bigger body count." Deadpool mocked the Mor-Taxan before aiming the 9mm pistol. "To life immortal this, asshole."
Deadpool fired multiple rounds all over the Mor-Taxan's body, even to the point of leaving the being into a melted pile of goo with a dismembered third arm flopping to the ground.
Finally, Deadpool approached the body of Serpentor who had enough energy to glare at the mercenary.
"I'll get you, this I-" Serpentor exclaimed as he garbled blood and attempted to grab his enemy by his chest.
"This I Command, blah blah blah," Deadpool mocked the former Cobra leader. "You only exist because Hasbro wanted a new toy on the market."
"Huh?" Serpentor asked in confusion. "But, how are you this successful?"
"Merchadising." Deadpool simply said. "You should see even Deadpool: The Flamethrower. Kids love that one!"
He gave another aside glance.
"Mel Brooks, got to love him!" He added with a wink.
"Huh?" Serpentor asked in confusion.
"Doesn't matter." Deadpool turned back to the former Cobra leader and pulled out the 9mm and as Serpentor looked in fear, the mercenary shot Serpentor on the forehead-literally blew his brains out.And in turn, Wade shot Serpentor's brain ten more times before shooting five more at the face of Serpentor himself.
Suddenly, Golabulous grabbed Deadpool from behind. The Cobra-La leader placed him in a chokehold with his claws attempting to stab through Wade's head.
"At the very least, I'll have the pleasure of killing you!" Golabulous snarled maniacally, the last of his sanity had gone away in favor of desperate vengeance.
"I'll watch blood pour from your head!" He added.
But thinking quickly, Wade took out his pocket knife and instantly stabbed the Cobra-La in his eyepatch like eye.
Golabulous screamed in pain and released the chokehold.
In turn, Golabulous screamed in pain even more when Deadpool grabbed his left arm and broke it when the merc with a mouth slammed the Cobra-La leader's elbow on his knee and snapped it in two.
And then Wade shot him in the neck while he pulled the knife off. Only to shoot him in the stabbed eye for extra measure.
Golabulous recoiled backwards but not before Deadpool delivered rapid punches to the face and slapped him across his cheek.
As Golabulous weakly attempted to lunge at his enemy, Deadpool then shoved the barrel of the 9mm pistol again, this time upside down and inside his mouth. As well as unsheathing one of the katana and placed the blade next to the Cobra-La leader's neck.
"Mercy!" Golabulous whined and begged with his mouth full.
"No more toys for you, Penguin." Deadpool quipped as he referred to his voice actor Burgess Meredith who had played The Penguin in the 60s Batman TV series.
Golabulous stared in fear as his last few moments just before Deadpool pulled the trigger and literally blew his brain out of the top of his head and simultaneously sliced his head off.
The head slipped off the gun barrel with ease and landed on the ground with a loud thud with a haunted expression on the face of Golabulous.
Afterwards immediately, the mercenary fired multiple rounds at the brain of Golabulous. And then shot the decapitated head twenty seven times. Just as Deadpool began to walk away, he paused.
Only to shoot Golabulous again three more times in what remained of his tail.
"And that's all she wrote." Deadpool quipped as he gave an aside glance. "There was going to be a big tank chase but this one shot is going long enough as is."
"Buuuuuttttttt..."
Instantly, Deadpool drove away in the Ferrari with St. Elmo's Fire by John Parr blaring from the radio.
"I got another stop but it'll be quick." Deadpool casually said.
Earth-847
A stuffed purple dinosaur toy, specifically a T-Rex, in a flash of stars transformed into his true form.
"Hello, everyone!" Barney the Dinosaur exclaimed in excitement.
To his confusion however, no child was there to greet him or hug him.
"Huh." The purple dinosaur made a noise of confusion before he asked, "Where is everyone?"
Ultimately, the last words he ever spoke as then the sound of a bang was heard and a huge splash of blood was splattered on the concrete ground outside of the school.
A smoking hole appeared on Barney's head, along with a dopey smile on his face. Along with his eyes being shot out and a hole through his mouth before he dropped to the ground; dead. As in utterly he could not get up dead.
Deadpool fired a bullet from a magnum. 50 at the purple dinosaur.
"You're welcome, parents." Deadpool said. "Did that feel cathartic for you? It was for the writer."
"Gratuitous and unnecessary? Maybe." Deadpool then said.
"Worth it? Fuck yeah!" He then added as he did a fist pump.
"Time to move onto the next universe!" With that, Deadpool walked away.
Earth-61065
Outside the entrance of their local movie theater, Mary Jane, Michelle and Shang-Chi stared in disbelief at a movie poster in front of them.
In the rows of movie posters, in between posters for Ninja Cat 2: The Kitty Strikes Back and Inside Out 2, one stood out in the most alarming way:
The Lego Deadpool Movie.
Self explanatory what the poster looked like.
"I seriously can't believe someone made a movie about that maniac." Mary Jane groaned as her eye twitched.
"An animated Lego movie no less." Shang-Chi concurred as he stared in dismay.
"They made movies about Jeffrey Dahmer, so this isn't too surprising." Michelle said.
"Let's just see Inside Out 2." Mary Jane suggested to which her friends murmured in agreement as they walked inside the theater.
Unknown to the trio however, they were watched by their universe's own Deadpool as he eyed them from the other side of the street.
"I am so happy to see my Lego movie in theaters!" Earth-61065 Deadpool said with glee.
"I know, right?" The Earth-030165 Deadpool concurred as he stood in front of his other counterpart.
"I could not be more so proud of me!" He then added.
"Hey, if we do mutual masturbation, would it count as having sex with myself?" The Deadpool of Earth-61065 asked.
"Want to talk it over Chimichangas?" The Deadpool of Earth-030165 proposed.
"Fuck yeah!" The Deadpool of Earth-61065 shouted in agreement.
The two high fived each other and ran down the streets of New York to the nearest Mexican restaurant, all ready to cause havoc along the way.
Next Time...
Deadpool will return in Deadpool Royale
Author's Notes:
- So, obviously I did this because of Deadpool Wolverine, which is coming out on the 26th of July as of the time of this publication. I wanted to try and do my own tie ins to various Marvel projects or anything depending if I have a good story to be enthusiastic about.
- So why The Loud House? Well I wanted to do a darkly comedic clash between kid friendly comedy and R-Rated comedy. And as I lampshaded and self deprecated myself, I needed a set up and setting anyway that Deadpool breaking into someone's house seemed like the kind of thing he'd do.
But in case there'd be backlash, I'll ironically play it safe with this being The Loud House in an alternate universe that isn't the live action show.
- That being said, the only thing I'm not entirely pleased with is the dialogue for The Loud House kids. Nothing against the show, save for its creator, but this was my first time writing the characters.
I did try to make some effort but really, the entire purpose was set up and I was more focused on making Deadpool funny.
- I wanted to give Deadpool a Troy McClure introduction.
- So the fake movie titles, I wanted to make it a running gag so besides mine, I asked Ben2Dartmouth for his fake titles and I used them all because they were just so funny. My favorites of his being Deadporizon: A Canadian Saga - Chapter 1 and Winnie-the-Deadpool: Blood Chimichangas 2.
- Rorschach and Deadpool being a reference to one of the episodes of I'm a Marvel and I'm a DC.
- I wanted to establish that this variant of Deadpool is a multiverse hopper. Basically going from universe to universe wherever he goes whether he causes trouble or not. At least if the pay should be good.
So I gave that explanation and to reiterate, he didn't kill Steve Urkel. Look, I'm not the biggest fan of the character but can't kill him. Optics would not look good.
- The Passion of the Deadpool fake title was something I've thought of many years ago when the first Deadpool came out that I said the second film should be called The Passion of the Deadpool.
- Thr inclusion of the two alien races from the War of the Worlds TV show from the 80s was something of a random choice as it randomly popped into my head well when I just started writing the one shot and no grudge against them but I wanted to increase the body count and the Mor-Tax and Morthren aliens seemed like acceptable targets.
And yes, the retcon of the ending of the 1953 War of the Worlds as well as the Mor-Tax thing did happen in the show and I do not understand why for the life of me but that's how it went. As did the second season when they switched gears, fired every writer and producer of the first season, killed off multiple characters including the Mor-Tax aliens to replace them with new people and new evil aliens.
- Originally the primary villains were going to Cobra Commander, Destro and Baroness variants but I decided on variants of Serpentor and the Cobra-La villains because they seemed more fun to kill off violently.
- Now the use of Serpentor, even a variant, I'm 50/50 on the character. He could be fun to write but at the same time, he can get old real fast depending on your tolerance for shouty angry all the time villains. But also it never made sense to me that Serpentor was praised by Cobra members in G.I. Joe: The Movie despite the fact that he doesn't have a better track record than Cobra Commander.
The Cobra-La villains on the other hand, not too big of a fan of so, for at least the variants, off to the chopping block they go.
- I wanted to at least tie in to Pighead a bit and create a misunderstanding that she assumed it was Dreadpool but too little too late and toss in a darkly comedic incident to boot. So I'm curious to see if Pighead herself will follow up on this incident.
And the boombox playing a part wiping out most of Cobra-La, just random LOL humor.
- The entire point of it all was yes, I was inspired by Trigun with the Humanoid Typhoon comparison and basically give a pattern of this Deadpool variant that whether intentionally or unintentionally, he causes destruction and death wherever he goes. Because he's Deadpool.
- Now originally I did have a detailed explanation of the Deadpool variants where how they were unleashed and that every universe has a Deadpool variant Ala Where's Waldo in that he or she or they, are somewhere in any universe.
And technically, that's canon as of this story regardless. Word of God and such.
There's also that they were unleashed thanks to Billy in the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy episode with the shadow world in that when he and his other counterpart didn't just broke a window containing multiple Billy's but also unknowingly cracked another window that contained all the Deadpool variants and they escaped.
But it ultimately had to be cut since the exposition ran too long as well. And there's only so much you could dump even if you make it humorous but you got to know when to stop a joke.
- I was going to include a self deprecating joke about myself wanting to rewrite The Casagrandes Movie to have Decepticons as the villains, because it's a thought I have and tempted to do, but there wasn't a place to put that joke.
- Jerry the Mouse I always hated and still do so, fuck it, I wanted an excuse no matter what.
- A villainous version of Shaft from Youngblood, I needed one more for the body count and someone from Youngblood seemed like a good target.
- Bane, I just can't get into and I find him dull. He doesn't interest me in the comics or other media. Just a big, dumb or pretentious villain that I'm more than okay wanting to see brutal deaths.
Plus as a kid, I did wondered in the episode of Batman: The Animated Series as a kid as to what it would have been like had Bane exploded after that nightmare fuel of a scene. So, I did exactly that.
- Q'Tara is a one time character from the first season finale of the War of the Worlds in which she's a synth sent by a rival alien race who wanted the Mor-Taxans killed and allied with the heroic human characters. Then at the end, a bombshell when she spoke to her superiors in her alien language that the humans are not ready for harvest.
Yes, the rival alien race wanted to kill humans too. So it was a case of wanting to get rid of the competition. And apparently, this was going to be followed up on but then Paramount fired everyone and the show got a post apocalyptic retool as a result.
- To life immortal is something of a mantra or catchphrase uttered by the Mor-Taxans in War of the Worlds.
- The overload of venom is of course a reference to that scene from the Batman: The Animated Series episode. Which, given I hears the writing staff weren't enthused when DC higher ups wanted Bane in, I'd have to wonder if they didn't like him as much as I did.
- I remember way back in 2010 about a rumor about Ryan Reynolds in a reboot of Highlander.
- The boombox and the song choice was put in after I had just finished this story as I had just watched for the first time Beverly Hills Cop which I love. So I wrote in The Heat Is On as a shout out to the film.
- Inside Out 2 reference, I wanted to make a joke about it given a lot of interest I have in that film.
- I have opinions on Doug Walker and the whole Nostalgia Critic enterprise and they're not positive and I'll leave it at that except that I hate him.
- Deadpool using a minigun and a grenade launcher are a shout out to Terminator 2: Judgment Day.
- As I wrote it, the machine gun thing is a shout out to both Saw 3D and the final episode of Breaking Bad.
- Deadpool shooting his targets multiple times even after killing them is a homage to a scene from Deadpool 2 with him 86'ing the X-Men Origins: Wolverine variant. The one with his mouth sewn shut.
- I did originally have a big chase scene afterwards with him in a tank (my rationale being LOL tanks driven by Deadpool) and him roping along the entire Loud House family as he had them in two other tanks, he was going to drive the first tank with the parents, get the police chasing them so he can blast them and as a bit of a reference to Santa With Muscles, he'd jump out saying "when in doubt, get out! Later!"
But ultimately I cut it. One, the one shot ran long as it did. And two, well I had no good reason why Deadpool would rope the entire Loud family into a chase scene. So it had to go but it works fine without it.
- Originally, the song I had in mind was Restless Heart by John Parr to fit in with Deadpool always moving universe to universe but I settled with St. Elmo's Fire by the same singer instead as a shout out to the Deadpool short film No Good Deed that was attached to screenings of Logan.
- Barney I decided to kill off, simple fact is I hate that purple fucker and he annoys me. And yes, it felt cathartic.
And also how I wrote it is a shout out to another scene in Deadpool 2 where he kills Ryan Reynolds when he recieved the script for Green Lantern. Though I added extra gunshots for extra gory emphasis.
- Ninja Cat 2: The Kitty Strikes Back is taken from an episode of Spidey and His Amazing Friends called Lost and Found.
- I thought I could end with a bizarre masturbation joke and felt would fit him. And tossed in one more fake title to top it off.
That's everything. Hope you enjoyed the insanity I brought in. And keep an eye out for more Infinity Crisis stories from me.
See ya soon!