It happened again a couple days later. I came awake slowly and rolled over, wanting to snuggle into my girlfriend for a few more minutes of sleep. Nothing but cold sheets. Angela was already up.

"Angel?" My foggy brain was slowly coming online. I couldn't hear her. "Love?"

She was… gone.

My alarm started blaring. I rolled over again and groped for it. It didn't stop the first time I hit the button. I hit it again. Harder. The plastic crunched under my fingers.

"Goddamn son-of-a-bitch—"

The door flew open and Angela tumbled in breathlessly. "What's wrong? I could hear you from the hall."

"—Piece of shit good-for-nothing plastic crap," I finished angrily. I yanked the power cord out of the wall, meaning to throw the whole thing across the room.

"Breathe," Angela ordered, coming around the shelf. She still had her outside jacket on. "In—two—three—four. Out—"

I breathed. I imagined the rage like a ball inside me. I grabbed all the strings in my hands, my legs, my mouth, and shoved them into the ball until it was all trapped in one place. Then I made it smaller and smaller until I could hold it one hand. It was hard to unclench my fist. But I opened my hand and watched it spread wings and fly away.

"Good girl," Angela said. She kissed me on the forehead and took my open hand with one of hers. It was chilly. "You're getting so good at that. Kendra is going to be proud of you."

I scowled. "It doesn't feel like I'm better at it."

Angela gently untangled the alarm clock from my hand. "This is why we get the cheap stuff." She kissed me again and hopped back off the bed. "It's just stuff."

"It's not," I muttered. "It's me."

If Angela heard me, she didn't let on. She was already in the kitchen, tossing the clock into the garbage. "I'm going to take a quick shower," she shouted. "I'll be right out."

I perked up. Taking showers with Angela was one of my favorite things. Nose to nose, sharing little confessions, soaping each other up and splashing water… "Can I join?"

Angela's voice floated out of the bathroom over the sound of running water. "Not this time. I'm in a hurry. Tutoring before o-chem. I won't be back before you leave, but I'll see you tonight!"

"Okay." I slumped back into the bed. "Where were you this morning?"

"I just wanted a walk!" she yelled back. I heard the shower door snick shut. She wouldn't be able to hear me if I kept going.

I dragged myself out of bed. What a great start to the day. When I started to pull the blankets up, I saw them. Tufts of red-brown fur fluttering across the bed.

I gave up making the bed in favor of sitting on the floor with my head in my hands. I hate myself. Angela deserves better than this.

A little bit of doubt wormed its way into my mind. What if… she thinks that too?

Angela had never "just gone for a walk" before. And it had felt like she was hiding something on the laptop.

What if…?

I knew I wasn't good enough for her—that she should be with someone who wasn't so… poor. So angry. So traumatized. So… me.

But it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't bear the thought of losing her. She was my salvation. The light of my life. The best thing that had ever happened to me. My angel. I would do anything for her.

Please, I thought at the closed bathroom door, holding back tears. Please… don't go.