05.05.21

Apologies for the delay, the post covid life is interesting to say at the least, slowly but surely I'm getting there. Thank you to everyone who PM'd me here and on facebook along with wishing me well in the reviews. I really do appreciate it, it makes my day :)

CHAPTER SIXTEEN - Guilt is a useless emotion.

CPOV

Ana's demeanor changes immediately, becoming quiet and unsure. Suddenly, she's a million miles away from where we are.

"Christian, I…" Looking away, she straightens herself and avoids eye contact as she shakes her head. I feel the uncertainty grip me again, that choking feeling as the heat rises throughout your body and puts you on edge warning you to brace yourself for impact. Only this time the adrenaline isn't euphoric but poison.

She's going to run.

"A lot has happened and I'm still trying to process all of it. I'm—" Tears fall from her eyes again and she wipes them. "I'm sorry, I'm just overwhelmed… by everything. I… I need a little bit of time. I'm so sorry."

I swallow and nod in reluctant understanding. She's not entirely saying no but she's got one proverbial foot out the door. Showing her to the bathroom in my office, I quickly fix myself and brush off the nervous energy. Fucking hell, I haven't been nervous like this, ever.

Ana exits a few minutes later but it's obvious that she's cried some more. Our conversation is a little awkward when I walk her to the door and she turns to look at me.

"Thank you for taking the time to see me. I'll be sure to call next time." She murmurs with a small smile. When I lean in, I'm grateful she raises her lips to meet mine for a chaste kiss.

"Come back to my place tonight? I'll have Mrs. Taylor prepare a shrimp cocktail and some chocolate cake for dessert."

"Are you bribing me?" She giggles and I instantly know that not all is lost.

"Angry badger's gotta eat after an eventful day." I joke and she rolls her eyes.

"You're funny, Mr. Grey." She whispers but then looks down, biting her lip nervously. "I can't tonight."

The rejection stings but I nod, kissing her cheek but she grabs onto the lapels of my jacket fusing her body to mine as I bring my forehead to rest on hers and wrap my arms around her waist.

"I can't think straight when we're close." She whispers.

"Thinking straight is overrated, Miss Steele." Our lips ghost over one another and I hold her tighter against me, my body reacting to hers like always only this time I'm silently begging her to stay. With eyes closed, she moans my name and her hands reach up to fist in my hair before we dive into a deeply passionate kiss, losing ourselves for a few moments.

Suddenly the door opens, we both startle and release each other when none other than my little sister walks through. Fuck! I forgot about this. She's been working on a business proposal for her idea of a restaurant for potential investment under my personal brand in addition to the Mile High Club.

Status of erection? Dead.

I had told Andrea to send Mia through once she came in since I had some free time right before her meeting.

Introducing Mia and Ana is the worst thing to do right now but I have no choice, she's already overwhelmed and meeting Mia could probably send her into a nervous breakdown. To say that my little sister comes on strong is an understatement. Who needs an ice bucket when you've got a meddling family.

"Andrea wasn't out front and Olivia said I could walk through." Mia mumbles, a little embarrassed eyeing Ana who's looking down and trying to indiscreetly fix herself. I am going to kill Olivia.

"Ana, this is my little sister, Mia and Mia this is Anastasia Steele, my…" I pause briefly, completely stumped on how to navigate this. Hey, little sister, this is the woman I'm in love with but she doesn't love me back.

"Friend. I'm Christian's friend." Ana quickly adds, smiling at Mia and extending her hand for a greeting with her sweet smile.

Mia looks between the both of us and barks out a laugh which makes me roll my eyes. Great.

"You both need to work on your poker face." Mia wises off and Ana purses her lips inward, trying not to smile. "It's lovely to meet you Ana. I'm guessing you're both in that weird dating phase where my brother hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend yet? I'm sorry about that but he's a dumbass so ignore him." I'm going to kill Mia. "He doesn't have much practice with this sort of thing."

Universe - 2.

Christian Grey - 0.

It is not your day, Grey.

Ana giggles and shakes her head before peeking up at me with her beautiful blue eyes and a shy smile. And just like that I'm a goner again.

"It was lovely meeting you too, Mia but I'm afraid I have to get back to work."

I lead Ana to the door and kiss her cheek again. I whisper in her ear to call me if she needs anything and she nods with a grateful smile, giving my hand a light squeeze.

"Don't worry, I'll knock some sense into him." Mia winks with a smile as Ana leaves.

Not only has my sister cockblocked me too but I'm now certain that I've lost all and any chance with Ana. After I close the door and turn to face my little sister, Mia wiggles her eyebrows as I narrow mine at hers.

"That's not how you start business meetings, Miss Grey." I give her a pointed look.

"Don't give me that, we're just meeting for a preliminary discussion. Now tell me, why was that poor girl crying? You make all the pretty girls cry, it's bad karma you know."

"Amelia, mind your business." I grumble and gesture her towards the couches.

"Calling me, Amelia? Now I know I've really hit a nerve." She laughs. "You should ask her to be your girlfriend cause someone else is gonna lock her down and from what I know, Christian Grey isn't good with losing."

"I need to lock you in your room and throw away the key."

"Mom and Dad already tried and I escaped through the window but then you put a CPO on me, so you technically kinda have." She shrugs and takes out a folder from her bag to hand over to me. "She must be really special cause I've never seen you like this."

"Like what?"

"With your fly open."

I look down and curse inwardly at myself for falling for that trick. When I look back at Mia she has a smug grin on her face despite the scowl on mine. Thank God, Elliot and Dad aren't here because I would've jumped out of the window already. I can't take them all on by myself.

"It's okay, you still love me cause I'm the best sister you've ever had." She sing-songs the words and I roll my eyes, focusing on the paperwork she's brought.

"You're the only sister I've ever had and right now, I'm debating my use for you."

"You're in desperate need of a woman's perspective on things so you need to keep me around."

"Whatever, just don't tell mom yet. Things are a little complicated right now and I don't need you all scaring her off." I mumble, going through the paperwork.

"I love complicated stories. You can take me out to lunch and tell me all about it, big brother." I give her a my usual CEO stare but it doesn't work. She's immune.

APOV

Before I left work, I met with Taylor in the security offices to assess this CPO situation since I'd gotten too dickstracted to broach the subject with Christian again. I idly wondered what the female equivalent for dickstraction would be to the point where I was on google trying to thoroughly figure it out only to be brought out of my very serious self reflecting R&D journey when I was introduced to Luke 'Ma'am Caller' Sawyer.

He was tall, handsome and carried himself with a very quiet yet commanding energy that was similar yet so different to Christian but then again, as a security professional I suppose he had to appear this way. I hadn't really appreciated it the first time around given the rage I was trying to keep under control. When I asked if his job was to spy on me and report my every move he replied with a very short and rehearsed 'my job is to make sure you're safe, Miss Steele.'

It took everything in me to not roll my eyes at his response. Yeah bro, I know but that does that safety extend to timing my bathroom breaks as well?

I could tell they were both uncomfortable given that Christian wasn't part of this meeting. I'm sure he would've appeared out of thin air had I not stopped Taylor from alerting him. I suppose they too welcomed the reprieve. I'd heard enough rumors in my two days in the building to know he was a real hard ass of a boss. Not to mention, Kate's running commentary on the subject prior to meeting him.

In the end, it was like trying to converse with brick walls made of loyalty to Christian Grey. I begrudgingly agreed to have Sawyer follow me on my walk home over their insistence of driving me to and from work in one of Christian's many mini batmobiles. However, I maintained my autonomy by telling them that Sawyer better keep his person out of my sight at all times, as it is I was creeped out by being followed but if this was going to be my new or temporary normal for now, I wanted a wide berth while trying to live my life and part of that was not getting into a fight with Christian at this time.

Temporary normal... it was a frightening thought. If this didn't work out with Christian then of course all this would disappear. He would just then go back to being the enigmatic CEO who owns Grey Publishing and I would just be a lowly employee, residing comfortably at the bottom of the totem pole. He'd be the man I'd secretly write about for my future debut novel and thereby measure every future romantic endeavor against.

What if he decides that I'm not worth trouble? I came home and dove head first into my bed and cried. The sun eventually set and the apartment was shrouded in complete darkness while I watched the city lights illuminate my room with a soft glow.

My phone buzzes and it's Kate, she walked in a minute ago but probably thinks I'm not home. I answer and tell her I'm in bed and 15 seconds later she bursts into my room like a hurricane.

"WHAT HAPPENED?" The panic in her voice only adds to my lingering uneasiness from the day.

"Nothing, I'm an idiot." I choke out. She climbs into bed with me and we just lie in complete silence for a few moments.

"We're all idiots but some of us are indeed special." She replies with a wry chuckle. I can always trust Kate to bring the humor into any situation.

"José was waiting for me outside the building this morning and we got into it." Giving her the entire synopsis gets my blood boiling again till I get to the part of causing physical damage to his person. Kate cheers as I knew she would and congratulates me on an ass-whooping well done.

After our laughter subsides, the silence stretches on again for a bit.

"Also, Christian told me he loved me." I add. That's what's truly been eating at me all day– my inability to immediately reciprocate. Any other woman would feel elated and jump into his arms but since I've got so many parts missing, I'm here in a dark room, completely depressed. He let me touch him, a place I know no one had ever had access to and I couldn't even reciprocate with three little words.

"WHAT?" She exclaims and I nod as tears threaten to fall again. "What did you reply with?"

I shrug and explain to her what happened, she quietly listens and lets me say my piece without interruption.

"Technically, he said no one gets to love you but me." I clarify.

"Pfft, tomato, tomahto." She says dismissively, immediately turning on the side lamp and lowering herself in line with my nether regions for some sort of inspection. When I protest and push her away she laughs. "I just wanna see what you're packing up in the cooch to make Christian Grey drop the L word 30 seconds into dating you."

I roll my eyes and smack her arm as we both laugh.

"I feel so guilty." I confess to Kate who groans for a beat and shakes her head.

"Ana, this is what I adore and abhor about you. You're always thinking of others above yourself. Even now, the thing that's really got you down is the fact that you weren't able to tell Christian you love him back, which… I mean, I don't know anything about love but for some reason this seems like a normal response to me. It could have been worse, you could've just said 'thank you' and left, or worse, said it without meaning it."

"Yeah, that's my only saving grace right now but I still feel so fucking shitty." That would be so mortifying. "You've never been in love?"

"Nope." She says, popping the 'p'. "The most serious relationship I have is with my vibrator and I love that piece of machinery." We both chuckle at that. "I'm not sure I'd be good at it anyway. I'm young, I want to have some fun, if it's meant to be it'll happen otherwise I'll just love my job and my friends and be the future awesome Auntie Kate." She looks at me with a sly grin and I roll my eyes.

She's just 23, I remind myself… she should be having fun, just like I should have been. God knows why I'm the only one determined to be 22 going on 85.

"I'm so confused and scared, Kate." I confess with eyes closed, my entire being still riddled with anxiety.

"Make a pros and cons list. Works every time."

"The problem with that is that everyone is on their best behavior in the beginning." Kate turns to face me and gives me a sassy look.

"So his attempt at light kidnapping was his best behavior?"

I smile sheepishly at the memory. We really do rile each other up. "No, that was just, his version of foreplay I guess." We both laugh again. "I don't think I could survive getting hurt like that again and I feel as if in an attempt to protect myself I will definitely hurt him, like this morning. I hated myself so much for the look on his face, it made me wish I had never ever gotten with José or that I wasn't recovering from this mess when we met.. but I also can't lie to him." My voice gets heavy and I try desperately to shake it off.

"Okay, real talk, do you love him?"

"I'm not sure I'm qualified to answer this very minute." I reply. "But Kate, what I feel with him, the range and depth of emotion… it's not even in the same galaxy of what I had with Josè. I feel…alive. But what if it's just because it's something different with the hot sex? As if I'm enamored with something new and shiny?" My voice grows heavier with each word.

I hear Kate exhale deeply, keeping her eyes fixed on the ceiling with contemplative expression.

"I am the worst person to talk about this because my brain is only filled with revenge fantasises or sex fantasies." I snort out a laugh at her attempt to lighten the mood. "But, I will say this… when a man knows what he wants, he fucking goes for it. I'm not saying this to pressure you but whatever personal stuff he's shared and giving you the NDA's, he means serious business. Love is always going to be a risk, José was never a risk… he was just there but shit like this, love, wanting success and all that, it all requires risk. We're young and we can recover from our setbacks and above all, you're not alone. You're an honorary, Kavanagh!"

"And you're an honorary Steele." I chime back. "What about you? I mean, in terms of the risk department…"

"Me, personally? I'm not willing to risk it for love right now."

"So, Elliot is just going to be for fun?" I inquire.

She shrugs. "I do like him and he makes me laugh, like really laugh but we're just hanging out. As I said before, I'm not actively looking for love or a commitment but if it's something that organically happens then I won't be entirely opposed to it."

Sighing, I nod and try to think of this entire situation in a way that can allow me to move forward with Christian in a way where I do my best to not hurt him but also heal a little on my own. I shouldn't have panicked, I should have met him this evening but then I know we would've ended up having sex and being in close proximity to that man puts me in a sex haze and suddenly all coherent thought is out the window.

"Can I share something?" I ask and Kate nods. "Sex with Christian has made me realize there were muscles in my body that I didn't know existed… like, holy fuck!"

She laughs out loud and claps in celebration.

"I know what you mean. That's the only soreness following a physical activity I'm willing to enjoy. I've been having sex since I was 14 and let me tell you, Elliot is the only man to find my g-spot on the first try. He just zeroes in that shit. For that alone I might keep him around. The guy needs no training or direction." She giggles.

"I had my first one this weekend." I join in on the giggle fit before realizing how pathetic my sex life has been. "I'm so behind, Kate. I mean these past five days alone I've done and said shit during sex that I didn't even know I was capable of."

"You know what this means, Christian Grey is turning you into his personal pornstar. Mount that dick, girl. It's been a long seven years for you."

We fall into a laughing fit again, agreeing that we need wine to help facilitate more of this riveting discussion.

"He should know that if he breaks your heart, I will break his dick." Kate warns in her usual threatening demeanor as we go out through the takeout menu drawer. I've seen many people cower in front of the Katherine Kavanagh brand of wrath.

I bark a laugh in solidarity and images flash through my mind of Kate coming up with a perfect masterplan to get our revenge.

"After what we did to Elliot, I'm sure both Grey brothers are intimately acquainted with what we're capable of when scorned enough."

GPOV

I am so pissed at José, I could murder him. Why are men so fucking incapable of taking direction?

The problem with José is that he wants to be the man in every scenario without taking responsibility or doing the work. His mother, like any typical immigrant parent, thought the sun shone out of his ass and since he was the only son, she treated him like a King. He's the kind of guy who needs to have everything done for him but with a dose of heavy direction when it comes to navigating life decisions- not to mention you have to let him think he made that decision. That is where Ana failed. She always went with the flow and deferred to José but also babied him relentlessly. She was the cheerleading puppy in our dynamic and she served a purpose but she barely had ambition or fire.

It's not that I never appreciated Ana, I did. She was an incredible friend but she wasn't growing with us and holding José back. I needed him to be present and ready to dive in without the deadweight dragging him down. We had and have enough to keep track of.

After that first night when José and I agreed to never talk about it again; never in a million years did I think he would propose to her out of guilt but I accepted it and did my best to do the right thing till I just couldn't take it anymore.

The moaning and droning on and on about the life he was going to create for Ana and how he couldn't wait to have kids with her. That's what really had me in a panic. If they got married and pregnant before Acero had a chance to really take off then I'd be screwed, all this hard work would take a backseat in front of the needy child, wife and shit filled diapers. I need José on his A game at all times rather than overcompensating by masking his guilt.

Guilt is a useless emotion. Who said absent fathers can't teach you lessons?

Which is why, during our visit to a tech conference in San Francisco last September, I shut him up with some mind blowing sex, while he was on some long winded speech about how after the success of Acero he was going to take Ana on some amazing trip and shit. By that point, I was still in the early days of dating Sam who was a good guy, a puppy for the most part and what I needed till I didn't anymore.

Sex with José isn't the best I've had but he makes up for all he lacks with his enthusiasm and letting me take charge, and boy, do I take charge. I have made the man cry and scream for his life while he begged me to stop. That's where Ana went wrong as well, she let him lead in everything and for a man like him, it gets overwhelming. If you can't keep your man satisfied and engaged, he's going to seek it elsewhere either actively or by mistake. That's a lesson I learned from my present mother.

When we said goodbye the night of the wedding, did I truly believe he was going to ditch Ana at the altar? No but I did know there was no way we were really saying goodbye. I was going to give him maybe a month before he was back on his knees in front of me but then when he said that he loved me in front of everyone, it changed the way I saw him. He took charge and it turned me the fuck on. It was a whole new José that lasted all about three days till we hopped on the guilt train.

Since then, I've been playing therapist. The only reason why I even married him was to keep him locked in and focused. I personally don't give two shits about holy matrimony but I've got a job to do and an app to launch and if that required a bit of moral sacrifice then so be it. I've always been a goal oriented person and do whatever I need to in order to achieve them. I know it makes me look like a bitch but when a man does it, it's ambitious. Well fuck that double standard. I've got a mountain to climb with limited supplies and patience.

Did I ever plan on apologizing to Ana? Yes, eventually when things would have picked up for us and cooled down for her. Was it wrong what we did? Yes, it was but also can't deny what we feel for each other. Aside from the sex, José and I just got each other on every level. Always did. Ana was the odd one out but we loved her like you love… a pet, I suppose. Had José not asked her out, it would have been inevitable that he and I would've ended up dating. So one could say, this was bound to happen.

Whatever, there are more pressing things in life to deal with like trying to get additional funding for your app so you can actually fully develop and launch the damn thing.

I specifically told him to leave Ana the fuck alone for a while but I will give her props, I didn't think she had it in her for a smackdown. Now I'm staring at his face with Ana's handprint on it. I'd say she's grown a backbone but it's probably a result of being under Kavanagh's shadow. I fucking hate the bitch, I knew she was trouble from the first moment Ana brought her around and I did my best to get her thrown out but she fucking stuck around.

In fact, I'm dead certain it was her idea to fucking wreck the bedroom. Forever, that's how long it took us to clear the bedroom and get rid of the stench of whatever the fuck those bitches threw on the bed. After a while we just gave up and moved into my apartment. Breaking the lease would've broken the bank but thankfully the 100k we secured before the wedding helped.

"Will you stop looking at me?" He groans, adjusting the bag of iced peas on his crotch.

"Can't help it, stupidity is addictive to watch."

"Fuck you, Gaia."

"You already do, remember." I smirk and that gets a laugh out of him. "This is why I told you to wait a little. We could've both gone to talk to her but you just had to go on off without me and fuck shit up."

"I just wanted to apologize, the guilt… I still love her, I didn't do this because I hated her, I was just unhappy." He shakes his head.

"And you don't think I don't love her? But it's like you said you were unhappy and we make each other happy. I honestly don't get it José, did you really think she was going to invite you up for tea and cake while you sat and painted each other's nails? Would you have reacted so calmly had Ana done what we did?"

Silence. Pin drop fucking silence.

In all honesty, I don't think I've ever truly loved anyone in any relationship. I'll say it in passing and I probably do mean it in the moment but I'm also incredibly selfish and I make no apologies for it. I am the way I am, take it or leave it and in my experience, I've always been surrounded by people who took it.

When I say I love Ana too, I ultimately mean that I don't hate her. If I don't hate you then I suppose I love you? What would the inbetween be? I tolerate you? Who wants to hear that?

You do what you have to do and say what you need to say to get to your point B. It's just that simple.

"I just," His voice is a quiet whisper with a worrisome expression on his face. "I hate that we hurt her."

"We hurt her the minute we fucked last year so it's not that," I snort. Not to forget how you'd come crawling to me every other night once we did start fucking again. Where was this guilt back then? "You've just come down from the high that you felt after running out with me at the wedding. I get it, the thrill is gone now but I need you to figure your shit out without causing any more fuckups. Acero is our number 1 priority."

"Have you talked to Sam?"

"About?" He gives me a look and I roll my eyes. "No, there's nothing to say. I didn't love him and like I said, I'll get to it eventually. Everyone needs to cool the fuck down and then we can make amends or whatever, till then, can we please just focus on the important stuff?"

He doesn't reply but closes his eyes, gently nodding while I get up and go to work some more.

Pity parties are not my thing.

A/N: Real talk, writing through Gaia's POV stresses me the eff out but it's also hilarious sometimes, lol.

What do you we think of CG and AS dealing with this new love? Mia calling them out? Kate's advice to Ana? And most of all, how much do we love Gaia? LOL.