The Cost to Return
Dear Mom and Dad,
Frisk stared upwards into the void. They weren't falling anymore, but they didn't feel like they were lying on anything either. When they looked around, it was black in every direction for as far as their eyes could focus. It was impossible to judge distance without any texture or shadows or anything at all for reference.
This is what they had asked for, right? They were sure and the ground swallowed them up when they fell. They were underground, for sure. But were they in the Underground? They weren't sure.
In this space, it almost felt like they weren't real. Were they a ghost? Were they corporeal at all?
They lifted their arms (or what felt like lifting their arms) to pat their body. To their relief, they felt clothes and a solid, warm object beyond that. Good news, they were still alive. How long would it remain that way though? There was nowhere to go and nothing to eat or drink. Nothing to stop them from folding in on themselves and properly giving up.
I don't want to run away again. If I could, I would stay with you. This school was amazing and I loved it here, but you two were always in the back of my mind. Any time I was having fun, I would think "Would mom and dad approve?" Like, I had to ask whether you two would be okay with me being happy.
They didn't feel bad about leaving the school behind. Not entirely. It was selfish of them to run away from a place that they genuinely liked. At least, they thought they liked it. The last several months, they'd been living disconnected from their emotions. In any case, the school was good to them. It was better than the public schools where they used to live.
Still, there was no indication in this dark place about what they needed to do next. How would they get back to the Underground now? They didn't even know where they were. Were they trapped in the Underground somewhere, in a mysterious place that couldn't be properly accessed? Kade said something about the Nonsense of the world creating extra space to prevent overcrowding or something like that. Did they end up in a disconnected antechamber?
Perhaps, but it seemed unlikely. If this was a disconnected room, then they'd be able to feel the ground. They'd be able to feel gravity. They'd be able to hear or smell something, even if they couldn't see.
As far as they could tell, they still had legs. They could still run and theoretically move about. Frisk, to the best of their understanding, put one foot in front of the other and started moving forward. What they assumed was forward, anyways. They couldn't tell if they were moving in a straight line or if they were even moving at all. There was no ground for them to feel under their feet. For all they knew, they were just floating in space, moving their legs in a way that made them feel like they could get somewhere.
Wasn't that a bit ironic. Running away and falling down and trying so hard to get somewhere where they could be a person that they didn't hate. Now they were stuck in some weird limbo.
I want to think that you have my best interests in mind, but it's been a really long time. You still won't use my name and that hurts a lot. Anything I do and whoever I am is only okay if it meets your expectations of who I should be. I'm not that imaginary kid in your head. I'm not the daughter you wanted. For that, I'm sorry, I wish I could have been born better.
That was the crux of the problem though, in the end. They wanted to be someone that they could like. They wanted to be able to be someone so badly, that they didn't mind the chance of dying to make that happen. And it had happened twice.
Was it worth it? They didn't know. They were here now, so it must be worth something, right? Still alive. Probably still a person. Maybe in the Underground. They just needed to find the barrier and follow it back.
It's not your fault that I was born this way. There's nothing you or I can do to make me be a girl when I don't feel like a girl and never want to be a girl. My choices are to lie and act for the rest of my life and hate every second of it, or to run away to somewhere that I can be myself, enjoy my life, but be away from that family that I care about.
Frisk took a tentative look down at where their body should be. They should have thought to take a look sooner. It was pitch black around them, but they hoped that they could maybe see their body, as unlikely as it would seem. If they could see themselves at all, it might be a hint. If they could only make out shapes from one angle, then they would know that somewhere, there was light in that direction.
But there was no light and no body. They weren't even sure that they were looking with their eyes. Whatever their consciousness was, it could only see a small red heart emitting a constant soft glow. It wasn't pulsing like a heartbeat, and it wasn't shining like a star. It was just a simple red heart on a black canvas.
Despite the strangeness of this phenomenon, Frisk didn't feel panicked. Their emotions were still tucked behind that barrier in their mind. It allowed them to consider another course of action. Physically walking didn't seem to work, so they focused on their magical senses to try to move their soul about.
I love you and I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to stick it out for you. At the same time, I'm not sorry because all you had to do was listen to me. I tried to tell you several times. I'm not a girl and my name is Frisk, not whatever name you gave me when I was born.
It felt like it was working, but they couldn't see whether or not their soul was moving. There wasn't any air here, but they were able to breathe, or at least mimic breathing. They could not feel wind brushing past them to indicate that they were traveling. If they hadn't spent so much time honing their magical senses over the past year, then they might have questioned whether they were doing it correctly.
However, they were certain that they were moving their soul in the same way that they had always done. It was the infinite darkness that made them feel motionless.
Forever, only darkness. They weren't sure what the Underground would still have for them, especially after forcing their way back in. They weren't even sure if they knew what exactly they wanted for themselves out of this. They only knew that this was not the answer that they were looking for.
Frisk stopped looking at their soul and instead let their gaze wander about the darkness. If nothing else, this place gave them all the time that they could ever need to reflect on their life, their choices, and themselves. Did they accomplish what they needed to on Earth? Did they leave behind something good? Did that even matter?
If they weren't a hypocrite, they could admit that it didn't matter at all.
Names are gifts. Like clothes, they can be returned or exchanged. It's not personal if it doesn't fit. I would like you to acknowledge me for who I am. I am nonbinary and my name is Frisk. That's the bare minimum. So please, some day, can you listen to what I'm saying? I really want to be a family again, but I guess I'm running out of hope. It's hard to keep waiting when letters arrive every week addressed to my old name. I told you that I wouldn't read them and I didn't. If you're not willing to respect me, then I'm not willing to waste my time on you.
The question that they didn't want to entertain threatened to take over their mind. Was any of this their choice? Truly? Was it in their control? Did anything that they wanted to do in the Underground actually matter?
Why were they building themselves up to be such an important figure? Asgore had told them before, that they had to make that impossible choice because they were unlucky. They happened to be the eighth human to find their way to the Underground. They happened to be the seventh human to fall since Asgore made his empty declaration of war. There was nothing special about them. Not really.
In the end, they were just some kid looking for attention. They wanted their parents to look at them and see them but couldn't handle it when they didn't get what they wanted. They were just throwing a tantrum and took it to the extreme by running away in the most permanent way possible. Both outcomes of their choice were acceptable. Both times.
Maybe dying would have been easier.
If they were dead, then it wouldn't matter that they would never hear their parents speak their name.
But wasn't that just objectifying their own life? Did they not have value outside of what their parents thought? They didn't know.
I gave up. I got tired of waiting for you to see me as myself. Now I'm leaving. I'm sorry but you may not hear from me for a while. Maybe not ever, it really depends. Don't blame Miss West for this. She didn't know I was planning to leave, and she always made me feel welcome and safe here. This school was the best thing that happened to me since I ran away the first time.
Perhaps staying at the school was the correct choice and they just trapped themselves in endless nothingness forever. They could keep using their magic to push their soul around, but there was no guarantee that they were heading towards something. There was no guarantee that they were even moving at all.
But it was all they had.
Stay determined and keep moving. For now, that was all they could do. Keep running. Run forward, run away, just run. They still didn't have the guts to stand their ground.
Even when they sacrificed Flowey, they couldn't muster up the determination to stick to their guns back on Earth. In the Underground, they felt confident enough to do anything. At least, that's what they felt just before they crossed the barrier.
On Earth, they gave up after a single try. What a waste of determination they had turned out to be.
Maybe you'll be happy to hear that I made some friends while I was here too. Susie was my best friend. She's older than me and she went home after graduating. She lives really far away, so I don't think I'll see her again. It hurt to lose her. I haven't really had close friends before, so I didn't know it would hurt this much. I wish you could have met her because she meant a lot to me.
Frisk let their thoughts grow quiet as they considered that last thought. Maybe Asgore was right when he said that soul colours don't necessarily reflect the personality of the human who has them.
Determined didn't describe them at all. They were flaky and inconsistent and couldn't make up their mind without going back on it later.
First, they ran away from Earth to escape that camp. Then, when they were a world away, they only wanted to go back to Earth, to the people who were sending them away to begin with. Then when they got back to their parents, they ran away to Mis West's boarding school to escape from the parents that they were running towards. They decided that Earth wasn't what they wanted and that the Underground was the best place for them to be if they were going to be anywhere at all. Now that Earth was behind them again, all they could think about was what they had just left behind.
Indecision tore them apart, scattering bits of themselves in every direction they could think of.
Who were they even supposed to be? What did they care about? What did they value? What characteristics and traits defined them? So far, they could only define themselves by what they weren't.
They aren't a girl. They aren't a boy. They aren't called by that old name. They are avoidant. They don't like people controlling their choices. They don't let their emotions show. They aren't a child. They aren't an adult. They aren't growing. They aren't anything.
Right now, they were just a collection of nots.
There's also Kade. The two of us have some stuff in common. He's older than me, but he's nice and lets me read in his room, or just hang out and chat. Then there's Cora. She's a brave person. We also have a lot in common. It's not the same stuff as what I share with Kade. What I share with Cora is more… personal.
The school had good things. It was a place for growing and figuring out who they were and who they wanted to be. In that respect, it wasn't too different from a normal school. Teenagers were meant to constantly grow and change and learn. But they weren't really a teenager, were they?
For every time they called themselves fourteen, their brain would fire back with the number eleven. For all that they identified with being a teenager, they still looked prepubescent. Once again, they were defined by what they were not. Neither a teen nor a child. Not a preteen either.
They couldn't think of a single thing that they were. Nothing meaningful. They were human. That was about it.
Even if they had made at least one friend, it wasn't a reflection of themselves. It was nice to not feel alone in a place that neither they nor their friends belonged. But that's all it was. It was a nice feeling and nothing more.
It was something to show off and pretend like they were normal for anyone who wanted to see that. Once again, it highlighted what they weren't.
They weren't able to maintain a long-term friendship. They weren't able to connect with others properly. They weren't able to find companionship without relying on the worst times in people's lives.
How did they even make friends in the first place?
Still, I made friends here, real friends, and it was amazing. I think you for letting me come to school here and I'm sorry for running away again. I wish there was something else I could have done.
Could they even call it friendship anymore? Maybe what they had with Susie was friendship. It was destined to be short-lived. Temporary. It was not meant to last.
Kade and Cora, that was different. Frisk betrayed them. They jumped from the top of that tree and didn't think twice about those two. Kade was always nice to them. He let them read his books and hang out in silence. Cora, they could understand too well. Maybe those were examples of friendship, and maybe they weren't.
Either way, they threw those bonds away for a chance to run away or run back to a place that might not let them back. How stupid were they?
Did they regret their choice to jump though? Not really. It was still something that they did. Maybe that was something that they could say about themselves.
By coming back to the Underground, or trying to get back in any case, they were refusing to regret their choices. Leaving after Flowey killed Asgore was a mistake that they regretted and wanted to fix. It would be the last mistake that they regret. Mistakes happen, but they resolved to stop regretting choices that they made.
In jumping from that tree, they were done with regret. They would commit to their actions from now on. No looking back, only moving forward. They just needed to find the way forward from where they were now.
If you ever change your mind, I'll do my best to find my way back to you. If you'd rather mourn the loss of the daughter that you never had, then that's your choice. Thanks for being my parents.
"So you came back."
It was the voice. That was the voice that brought them back from death, time after time. This was the voice that had preserved them. This voice was their chance to go back and save the king and the monsters.
"I did."
"Goodie for you. Is this what you were expecting? What you wanted? Why are you even here? You escaped the barrier. You got to go home and live your perfect little life. You took from the Underground and found your resolve to keep going. So why oh why would you ever appear back here. You aren't wanted or welcome."
"I need to fix my mistake."
The voice laughed at them.
"Your mistake? What mistake? You got what you wanted. You got to go home. You didn't even have to kill the king! Flowey did that for you. And killing that plant to leave hardly counts! He admitted that he didn't have a soul, so his murder was no different from picking a weed from the garden."
"I had the opportunity to help and I didn't. I ran away. That's my mistake."
"Are you shitting me right now?" The voice howled with laughter. Apparently, they thought Frisk was entertaining. Maybe the voice didn't get around much. "No one jumps into the void just to help others. Humans are selfish and you're no different. Why are you really here?"
"I told you. I need to fix the mistake. I can stay this time and wait until the monster population grows enough to break the barrier without death. I'm not aging, so it's not like I can complain about missing out on growing up." Frisk replied. It was mildly irritating to have to explain themselves. They had no reason to lie, so why was the voice being so antagonistic?
"Ha. Ha ha ha. No. That's not how it works."
Frisk felt themselves frown. "Why not? Is it so hard to accept that someone might want to change for the better? To improve people's lives for no reason than because they can and want to?"
"I'm sure that's what people like you believe, but that's not why you're doing this."
"And how would you know? What do you even know about me?"
"I know everything that you know and more. I've watched humans and monsters over the centuries and guess what? You're the same as every other human. You're not special or different. You're just as deluded as everyone else."
"Yeah? How do you think that?" Frisk asked.
"You don't want to be better or do better. You're just running away and trying to make yourself feel better. You're chasing a high. Maybe it's dopamine, maybe it's serotonin, maybe it's something less tangible like a sense of belonging or a sense of purpose. The reason doesn't particularly matter. You're just chasing something that makes you feel good because you can't grow up and do it for yourself."
"I'm not chasing a high!"
"Sure. And I still have a body. You think your life is awful, and maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Doesn't matter. You think your life sucks and you're angry or depressed about it, so you're hiding behind noble intentions and championing yourself for a just cause so that you might be able to feel good about yourself for a little while."
"Why are you making this into a big deal? I'm just trying to fix a mistake. Even if you think I'm some selfish prick, why do you care? Why does it even matter? Isn't freeing the monsters the important thing? Why does my reason matter at all?"
"Because. You need my help, right? If you could do it alone, you would have." The voice said smugly, "Besides. As far as I can tell, only two Determined individuals have the correct abilities to do what you need to be done. To turn back the clock, so to say. To bring you back into your adventure. One is me. The other… he wouldn't help you even if you begged. Even if he wasn't a soulless husk of who he once was, to him, you're his murderer."
"Flowey?"
"Bingo!"
"But… he's a monster. He had some Determination in him, but was that enough to give him the ability to go back in time?"
"In short? No."
"Then what are you even talking about?!" Frisk exclaimed.
"I said what I said. But I'll spell it out for you since you're so dumb. Flowey had human magic coursing through him, strong enough to put him on par with a red soul. His powers have nothing to do with time, but he could accomplish the same results that a time traveler could. He just has to go about it in a different way."
The voice stopped talking.
"…Which is?"
The voice started laughing at them. "Oh my god! Just think about it! It's not that hard!"
"I barely talked to Flowey at all last time! How am I supposed to know something so personal? I can't even figure out what my powers are supposed to be, let alone his!"
"I dunno. Maybe you should try paying attention? Though that might be too much for an idiot like you. How do you not even understand your own magic by now? Red magic isn't that subtle."
Frisk felt their arms fly up in frustration. "I don't know! If you're so smart, why don't you just tell me? Brag about your infinite wisdom!"
"That. Would be. No. Fun~!"
"Then what about you? If you won't tell me what Flowey's magic is, and you don't want to help me figure out my own, then tell me about your magic. I know you can preserve things. And you preserved me way back when. I'm betting that you did it more than once too. You probably preserved me just before I fought Asgore, just in case he killed me. Didn't you?"
The voice was silent.
"You still here? You listening?"
"I know why you came back."
"Yeah?" Frisk asked, "You already said that. You think I'm chasing a high, right? Because I'm so depraved or something."
"You came back because you didn't care whether you succeeded or not."
"Oh? So sure, are you? How do you figure that? Grace me with your brilliance, oh wise and intelligent voice!"
"No. There's only one way to fall down here. There must be a moment in your life where you think, that if you ran away and never came back, you wouldn't mind. Nothing less would make the Underground welcome you."
Frisk paused for a moment. The voice was right. Emotions were beating at their barrier, trying to escape. It wasn't quite the same as their talk with Cora. Part of them wanted to just admit it and cry and take their time to process everything in this endless, possibly timeless, void.
At the same time, this voice was an asshole. They weren't going to give them the satisfaction. Frisk put on a mocking voice and increased the strength of their barrier. Then, they returned in kind, "Audible gasp! You've seen right through me! I'm so wounded and broken! Tell me voice, how can I make this pain end! How will you save me from myself?"
The voice was oddly serious. "I can't save you from yourself. Regardless, that's not my problem. Even if I could, I'm no hero. That's not the kind of thing that I would do."
"Oh, but I'm just a wittle kid! Don't you feel sowwy for me?"
"You're fourteen. Not a kid. Even if you were, why would I feel bad for you? You made the choice. You were sure about it. You get what you get and deal with the consequences."
"Oh?" Frisk asked. There was one thing that the voice had been talking around this entire time. The voice had just left themselves open for Frisk's verbal strike. "Then why are you here talking to me at all? If you don't care and think that I deserve what I chose, then why show up at all? You said you know why I'm here, but why are you here?"
The voice hummed. "I'll give you this one shorty. I. Don't. Have. A. Choice. I'm stuck to you. I can watch you or torment you or tease you. I can do whatever I want but I can't leave you."
It was an unexpected answer. "And why's that?"
"Who knows." The voice commented, but didn't sound sincere, "Regardless, this is the way it is. I can't leave you."
"Then why not help me go back to the Underground? Surely it would be more entertaining for you if you could watch me actually have a life. Waiting here in this infinite blackness sounds pretty boring to me. Why don't we just go back?"
"Because I can do better than that."
In Frisk's mind, they could almost see a wicked red grin.
"You need me. I know that. Why would I send you back in time without securing something for myself? Why work for free? I'm not so selfless that I would just give you what you want, only to be ignored afterwards. Even if it keeps me entertained for a while, I know that my magic is worth more than that. I don't care about you either way, but I care about myself. I don't need you to keep going. But. You could provide me with something that I want."
"And what's that?" Frisk asked. They didn't know what an incorporeal voice could want. Material things wouldn't make sense. And if it was just entertainment, then they could just go back to see something more than the dark by using their magic to turn back time. Something weird was going on here.
"I'm not telling you~!"
"And why not?"
"Why don't we make a deal? What I want from you? It doesn't matter. Whether you know or not, you will agree to my terms."
"So sure, are you? If the terms are too far in your favour, then all I need to do is decline."
"You could. But eventually, you'll start to get bored. Maybe you'll even go crazy in the silence. Besides my voice, you aren't receiving any sensory information. In the human world, temporary sensory deprivation can be relaxing. Extended, it's torture. How long do you really think you'll hold out? Suicidal people have little enough regard for their own well-being. I doubt it'll take more than a few hours for you to want out. Definitely less than two days. I can wait. I've spent decades alone in this darkness. Do you want to bet on outlasting me?"
Just the taunt made Frisk want to try out of spite. Unfortunately, there was truth to the voice's words.
"You're probably right. But doesn't that make it worse for you too? You might have practice, but you wouldn't enjoy it either."
"You can think that all you like. You might even be right. However, it doesn't matter. I know that when you get desperate, you'll agree to terms that are even worse for you than the first offer. Then, I can take advantage and demand more than you would ever willingly give."
Frisk took a moment to consider. The voice was probably right, but they could agree blindly. There might be room for negotiation, at least for now.
"Fine then. Tell me about your deal."
The voice laughed.
"My deal. It's simple. I don't want to go back to your fight with the king. You're right. I did preserve you at that time and it is the most recent preservation state that I have. I could restore you to that point in time, but I won't. I want to restore you to the earliest point I have. I want to restore you to the moment you landed after your fall."
"Why?"
The voice didn't answer.
"Don't tell me then. What else?"
"That's it."
"What?"
The voice sighed. "You're so stupid. What about this don't you understand? I will restore you. You'll be back in the Underground, just like you want. In exchange, I get to choose the time and place that you get restored. Could not be more simple than that."
Frisk hesitated. "I don't understand how that would help you. It makes me suspicious that you're trying to trick me into something."
"Oh, I'm definitely trying to get something out of you, but it doesn't matter. In the end, you'll agree."
"Is it just… extra entertainment? By making me start from the very beginning, you get to watch a full adventure, and not just the final fight?"
"Sure."
"But before you said- Right. It doesn't matter, does it?" Frisk said.
"Finally, you're catching on."
"I was being sarcastic!"
"No, you're just trying to think too big for your tiny little mind. It's not like I'm asking for your soul or anything. I just want to choose the restore point. I don't even have to ask for your permission. I could just do it without your agreement or consent. Heck, I'll sweeten the deal for you and make it even easier! When you go back, I won't even make you do anything. You can relive your adventure however you want, and I won't judge or complain. So how about it? Do you accept?"
The discussion was becoming circular very quickly. Frisk knew that they were beaten and that they never had another option from the start. They threw away any future choices when they let go and fell from the tree.
Besides, their goal was to find the voice and have them return them to before their fight with Asgore. On both of these counts, this deal would be considered a success.
"Deal."
"Let's shake on it then."
Yours (maybe),
Frisk
Frisk moved their arm in front of them and guessed at where they might hold their hand out to shake. In this darkness, there was no way to tell if they were even facing the direction that the voice was coming from. A tiny red star floated out of their soul and into the darkness.
A few seconds later, they felt a cool hand grip theirs.
"Let's go. All the way back to your beginning."
Suddenly, they felt gravity beneath their back. A distant light glowed above them, and there were soft, springy stems curled around their fingers.
Frisk sat up and let their eyes adjust to the dim cave around them. Underneath them was a familiar patch of yellow flowers and no footprints to indicate how they ended up in the middle of it.