Disclaimer: trigger warning of explicit mentions of self-harm.
2. The token
Little, kind, only 12 years old, completely lost, Prim starts walking towards the stage. Madge turns her head to Katniss so fast that she feels a sharp pain in the muscles of her neck. Katniss seems completely in shock as she loses balance for a second. Everyone makes way for her while she screams Prim's name. Madge feels in the weirdest nightmare of her life. It wasn't her name, but then why was the nausea even worse than before? Why were her nails clawing the inside of her palm with such a strength? She was sure that Prim had even fewer slips than herself in there. Katniss would not allow for Prim to take tesserae. She thought about her early conversation with Gale, how she was going to retort saying that it only took one slip… It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. Madge is paralyzed as Katniss finally stops Prim at the stairs of the stage, and she knows the words before they even leave her mouth.
"I volunteer!", Katniss screams to Effie. That is not exactly protocol, but who can possibly care at this point, Madge thinks. In theory, both tributes must be drawn and then they ask for volunteers for each of them, and in case there are more than one, as it is common in Career districts, a different kind of reaping is done. Effie starts protesting and then the mayor echoes Madge's thought, which reminds her of how similar they are.
Madge's father knows who Katniss is. He has bought strawberries from her directly on occasions, and he knows that she hangs out with her daughter at school. He knows they met her and Gale for the first time to handle them a medal of valor when their fathers died in the mines. The mayor knows she is his daughter's only friend, but more than that, he knows Katniss just wants her family to survive another day. Madge vaguely registers the guilt on his face because he is supposed to be the mayor, he is supposed to be some kind of leader, but he can't help her, the same way he can't help his own daughter.
Gale has come forward as well to take away a very upset Prim. His face is masking any type of emotion, clearly trying his best to be strong for Katniss, and Madge wishes she could do the same instead of feeling so lost and broken. She could only guess the thoughts going through his mind, her own despair of losing Katniss in the most horrible way multiplied by a thousand times. Even though he has never uttered a kind word in her direction, Madge would like to comfort him, now he must be feeling as alone as ever. However, he would hate her for even trying. Effie draws Madge attention back to the stage.
"Well, bravo!" says Effie, clearly excited by the scene. "That's the spirit of the Games! What's your name?" she inquires in her affected Capitol accent everyone but themselves hate.
"Katniss Everdeen". Katniss answers almost indifferently.
"I bet my buttons that was your sister. Don't want her to steal all the glory, do we?" Madge rolls her eyes. Leave it to Effie to make this about pleasing the sadistic bloodthirst of the Capitol instead of saving her sister's life. Her confusion, her nausea, are wearing off and leaving place to a very uncharacteristic feeling of anger. She wants to scream and stop this and tell her father to defend the people of the district. She shudders when she thinks of the consequences of that action, but this new side of herself that demands an action, any action, is slowly taking over her fears. "Come on everybody! Let's give a big round of applause to our biggest tribute!"
No one moves. All the people in the square stands in silence, staring at Katniss. Madge notices that her expression grows dignified and strong. Katniss looks more fierce and less confused with each second, and hope starts growing inside of Madge. And from that mix of anger and hope came another one, far more dangerous: dissent. Opening her balled fists for the first time since the reaping started, she notices that her nails have left red moon-shaped marks in her palms. For a split second, the pain pushes the rest of her thoughts. And, before she can rationalize any of it, she feels herself touching the three middle fingers of her left hand to her lips and then raising them to Katniss. Immediately, some other hands rise around Madge, and quickly everyone in the square follows, standing there with their hands towards Katniss, who looks touched. It is an old tradition in disuse within the district. Thank you, we admire your bravery, goodbye, Madge thinks, as this is what the gesture represents. The crowd has followed so fast that she doesn't think that anyone has realized she started it, but then she meets her father gaze. He looks scared.
However, Madge is tired of being scared. Somehow, she knows what she did was right,and, in any case, the Capitol has pretty much always overlooked at District 12. Haymitch starts doing some scene, breaking the moment, and both the mayor and Katniss look a bit relieved that the attention is away from her and from the gesture.
"Peeta Mellark".
Madge looks up startled, realizing she had zoned out. With all the emotions she had forgotten there was still another name to be drawn. Peeta climbs to the stage trying to mask his emotions behind his initial shock. Madge knows Peeta from the bakery, they are not exactly friends, but he doesn't speak to her with condescendence or resentment and that's already more than what everyone else does. Peeta is popular amongst town kids, he is kind and funny, and the fact that his mother is verbally and physically abusive is hardly a secret.
She also suspects he has a crush on Katniss and her heart immediately breaks when she realizes what this means. She has caught him staring at Katniss in school since what seems forever. Katniss and her never talked about it because, well, that was not their thing, that was pretty much the opposite of their thing. Madge wasn't even sure Katniss had noticed the boy staring. At the beginning, she used to think that Peeta would either gather the courage to talk to her or move on, but neither of those seemed to happen. Peeta probably found Katniss intimidating and, if that wasn't enough, everyone kind of assumed Gale and her would eventually be together. She disliked the idea because Katniss deserved someone who wouldn't have a scowl tattooed to his face. But then again, Gale was probably a whole different person when he didn't have to bear Madge's presence and her respective privileges.
Madge scolds herself because what does it matter now anyway? Katniss is going to the arena, she will have to kill people, the odds are she will face her own death, and any romantic thoughts must be in another universe for her. As for Peeta… well, at least now, while they shake hands, she is staring back. She really hopes they don't have to kill each other. Another wave of rage hits her. In a different world, Madge would have eventually asked Katniss about Peeta. Maybe they could go out. Katniss would not have to hunt illegally to avoid starvation and Gale wouldn't have to hate everyone who is better off. But most importantly, in another world, no kids would be forced to kill each other for the entertainment of others, Madge thinks while the anthem of Panem plays.
The minute the anthem ends, Madge decides that from now on everything will be different for her. She doesn't know how or why, but she doesn't want to be a ghost anymore. Maybe is the fact of seeing her closest friend march to a bloodbath that makes her realize she wants to feel alive; she wants to make a difference in people. And, as the idea of giving the traditional goodbye to Katniss when she volunteered, her body begins to execute her next impulse, postponing any kind of rationalization.
Madge starts to walk towards the Justice Building, where Katniss and Peeta just disappeared. Their families rush in behind them to say their goodbyes while Madge almost crashes with her own.
"What are you doing?" the mayor asks with the same sad look he had when Madge pleaded for him to save her from the Games.
"I am going to say goodbye to Katniss, Dad" says Madge, her voice unexpectedly steady and rushed. She is not asking for permission and she doesn't have a lot of time. From the expression that her father gives away in a brief moment, she knows he is not too pleased with her, and she understands her gesture in the square did not go unnoticed, at least not by him. It is risky, public displays with such a dignified solemnity are not what the Capitol expects. And the mayor's daughter being friends with someone from the Seam either. She knows he just wants to protect her, but, again, he cannot interfere with the Games, and she is tired of being protected if it means she must feel weak all the time. "I will see you at home" she says, her voice sweeter and polite again, because she doesn't want to hurt what soon could be the only sane person who likes her.
Madge goes into the building and towards the room where the Peacekeepers guard the female tributes. She has practically grown in the Justice Building, so she doesn't need help to locate her. In her way, she sees Katniss mom and Prim on their way back and she stops, unsure for a second about what to say.
"Miss Undersee", Katniss mom greets her with a shaky voice. This seems to give Madge the courage to figure out exactly what she wants to say.
"Madge, please", she offers her hand to Prim, who barely can stop sobbing to breathe. "She is going to come back, you know. She can do this. She is strong and brave, and we will be there in the arena with her every step of the way". At her words, Prim hugs her tightly.
"But we can't go to the arena" Prim's voice is barely audible.
"My friend here can" says Madge, taking the mockingjay pin out of her dress and holding it for Prim to see. "I'll give it to her as a district token, and then she can remember when she's in there, she is not alone in this". Both Prim and Mrs. Everdeen seem to approve the idea, because the first one is distracted by the pin enough as to control her tears and the second one has managed the hint of a smile. Madge says goodbye and continues her way. She just voiced the vague idea that hit her before entering the building, but she knows there is more to it than a reminder of home for Katniss. It is a mockingjay after all. Madge wants Katniss to realize that they all think she can do it; she can go into that arena and win in her own terms. She wants her to prove them that there is more to District 12 than starving people and forgotten dead tributes.
She waits outside of the room when the Peacekeepers tell her there is someone already there. Maybe it's Gale, but she doesn't even have time to finish the thought when he materializes next to her with that characteristic stealth he has.
"What are you doing here, Undersee?", he is angry and, this time, she decides it is only right. She was quite angry herself. However, she would never redirect her anger at him the same way he seems to do with her. As she is about to reply, the guarding Peacekeeper, a man as tall as Gale, goes in and summons whoever is inside. A moment later, the baker, Peeta's father, leaves the room without so much as a glance to either of them. They both stare for a second at his passing shape with a puzzled look.
"I'll be very quick, Hawthorne", says Madge, because she knows that if Gale goes in, he will consume the remaining minutes. Before he gets any time to give one of his signature replies, Madge nods to the Peacekeeper and he lets her in.
Madge sees Katniss sitting in the velvet couch and goes straight towards her. Katniss looks surprised to see her, which saddens her a little, but the important thing is that she is here. Madge knows that there is a very impatient Gale on the other side of the door, so she decides to keep her word and make this as quick as possible. Besides, she doesn't trust herself to contain tears, nausea, or the growing need of destroying things, and the last thing Katniss needs right now is to take care of others. She must focus on surviving.
"They let you wear one thing from your district in the arena. One thing to remind you of home. Will you wear this?" Madge shows the pin on her hand.
"Your pin?" Katniss is clearly confused, but there is no more time for explanations. The building is under complete surveillance and saying anything about a mockingjay and prospects of winning and proving stuff to the Capitol will probably put both girls under a very bad spotlight.
"Here, I'll put it on your dress, all right" Madge places the pin in Katniss dress. "Promise you'll wear it into the arena, Katniss?" says Madge, but there is so much more she wants to say. To make her promise she will fight and come back. Her family probably already said all of that. To make her promise she will not be desperate and humiliated like the Capitol wants, but also that she won't turn into a monster… there is no way she can say that out loud. They have never been very talkative anyway, and Madge is certain that Katniss will do all of that. It is who she is after all. "Promise?", she insists.
"Yes," says Katniss, and Madge releases a breath she didn't realize she was holding. She cannot bring herself to say goodbye, so she gives Katniss a kiss on the cheek and leaves without another word. The weight of the events of the day is starting to fall on her, but she doesn't allow a single tear to leave her eyes until she is in the safety of her bedroom again.
Even then she takes her time, stripping her reaping dress slowly, making her way to the bathroom and washing the creams that she had put earlier off her face. Madge sits in the bathtub, naked, but the tears don't come to her eyes anymore. When she allows the water to fall on top of her head, she is not even sure if it's cold or warm. She doesn't feel anything at this point, so she turns off the faucet, weary of wasting water.
Madge feels weaker than when she made her resolution earlier of changing her ways and becoming a braver person. She knows she should fight this feeling of emptiness; she knows she should stick to her resolve of being strong. But Panem wasn't built in a day. In fact, it took a lot of wars, the Dark Days and now it was still quite rotten to say the least. So, she resorts to a pain that is familiar enough, a pain that she can control and identify and has a clear beginning and a clear end. Madge lifts carefully one of the ceramics that signal the end of the bathtub and retrieves one of her dad's razorblades.
She contains a sob when she feels the sharp pain in her upper thigh, which is instantly followed by a feeling of release. She sits there for a while, hating herself and staring at the cut, which is surrounded with scars of similar shape and size. Finally, she moves into action as if she had woken up from a bad dream. She cleans the blade and puts it back in its hiding place and then she quickly disinfects the cut with a small flask of liquor she stole from Haymitch the last time he was in her house. She puts a piece of fabric around her leg on the top of the wound and proceeds to clean the tub. She scrubs and scrubs until everything looks sickly white, but she still feels dirty.
Sitting in the bathroom floor, she takes a deep breath and forces herself to think about what happened in the square. Katniss volunteering. Peeta's name being drawn. And later, how she walked to the Justice Building, as if she could make a difference. Below all her anger towards the Capitol lays the profound pain of knowing she can do nothing but watch as her friend struggles to survive in the following weeks, having to choose between killing or being killed, changing forever.
Now, the real question is how she was going to deal with that pain. If Katniss died – a shudder immediately shook her body – would she turn into her mother, buried in her own world? Or would she go back to her silent, printless existence? Or, maybe, would she have the strength she felt in the square and decide to be alive? Katniss will live, she thinks, and so will I. Almost as if she could seal both of their fates together and decide to keep them alive based on sheer willpower. The self-harm would stop. She would find another way to channel whatever it is she is feeling or not feeling, she decides. She won't be the helpless, fragile, invisible mayor daughter anymore.
Madge stands from the floor and puts on a soft robe while heading for her bed. It's the middle of the afternoon, but it's like she hadn't sleep in days. Her resolve gives her some hope, even though she has no idea about how to accomplish it. If she is not a ghost, what is she?
Sleep comes fast to her, so fast that she is not completely sure of when her dreams, mixed already with a new set of nightmares from Katniss in the arena, begin and when consciousness ends. That is why she barely registers the heavy thud in the balcony on the opposite side of the room, and why it takes her so much time to realize there is a cold breeze coming in from that direction. It is this detail that sharply tears her out of her drowsiness.
It takes all she the strength she has left in her body not to scream or move when she sees a tall silhouette standing against the open door in the balcony.
"Undersee", the silhouette greets, and Madge cannot avoid thinking that voice could only make this day worse, the unmistakable husky voice of Gale Hawthorne.