This chapter is heavily inspired by the song "Ohne Dich" by the German band Rammstein, the song title translates to "without you", so that's where the chapter title comes from.
Chapter 10
Without You
When his plane hit the surface of the ocean, he'd been sure that this was the end of his life. Over. He'd never again see the people he loved. He couldn't see his mother again anyways, but now also his father, his sister, his best friend, almost a brother. And Evelyn.
Evelyn. The woman who loved him, he knew. The woman he loved. More than his own life. No, not seeing Evelyn ever again was out of the question. He had to fight. Struggling he opened his eyes, forced his way out of the demolished cockpit. It was so dark around him, the water ever so cold. He could just wait for whatever to happen, but what if there wasn't a merciful fate ahead for him? What, if he would just die? No. Whit all his strength he fought his way up to breach the water surface.
Evelyn.
He had to keep his focus on Evelyn, the thought of her gave him strength, the will to fight. For his life. For the future, the future with her. Without Evelyn, he could not be.
He forced himself to drag his body onto the first chunk of debris that came along. He had to get out of the water, else he'd die from exposure. And he had to hope for someone to find him. Somebody, who wasn't a Nazi.
It turned dark, he had no idea how long he had been floating in the water. Breathing became hard. And it was so quiet. When had he last heard birds sing? When had he last heard Evelyn's voice.
His last thought was for Evelyn, when it ultimately became dark.
"No." Allie whispered. "No. No. No." The volume of her voice slowly increasing. "No, that can't be! I'd feel it if Rafe was dead!"
She had jumped up and clenched her fists. A hand touched her shoulder. "Allie, don't", Danny said calm, self-composed. How could he be so calm? Hadn't he received the same message as her?
The air felt smothering all of a sudden, the room too small for three people, she had to get out. Without another word she dashed out the door onto the corridor, past Gooz, who taken aback asked "What happened?", but she barely heard him.
Her feet carried her on, onto the airfield, past the planes, past the buildings, she ran on and on. Away from the beach, away from the people who mocked her anger and grief with their fulsome cheerfulness. Without giving any thought where to she ran on, into the heart of the island, where the verdurous flora was bursting with strength. But she had no appreciation for nature's beauty, she could barely see the ground under her feet, her eyes overflowing with tears.
She ran until she couldn't keep herself up, until breathing burned in her throat, in her lungs. She fell to her knees on the edge of a clearing. She couldn't remember when she'd gotten into the forest, nor where it was. Her stomach rebelled and she threw up the last bits of breakfast, but mostly gastric juices.
When she no longer had to gag, she started crying and trembling uncontrollably. It was somewhat nippy in the shadows and it felt like all the warmth had gone from the earth.
"How could you do that to me? You were never supposed to get shot. Why, Rafe, why?" she wailed into the void, her voice trembling. "You couldn't wait, you had to be in the front line, in a war that's so far away." But now war was so close, from the other side of the world right into her heart. More tears came running down her face, the silence occasionally disrupted by a sob. Eventually she no longer had the energy to shiver, curled up under the tree she had leaned against.
If she closed her eyes now, fell asleep, maybe she'd wake up later and everything had been a bad dream. Or she'd wake never again, leaving a world that didn't seem worth living without her brother.
Allie couldn't tell if she'd actually been asleep, but her hair was rumpled and little twigs and shreds of leaves had gotten caught in her hair. Besides, the arm she had put her head on started to tingle nastily.
The sun had vanished, dark clouds covered the sky and it rumbled in the distance. A thunderstorm had approached. It had become quiet, threateningly quiet besides the distant thunder. When had the birds stopped chirping? And where was she?
The memory came back, how she'd been running, and why. Suddenly breathing became hard. "Woe is me, oh woe", she cried. "And the birds sing no more. Without you I cannot be…"
But she was here, still, wasn't gone, and a tiny gleam of hope arose.
His plane had been shot and crashed, but that didn't mean that Rafe had to be dead. No dead body had been found, Earl had said. There was no evidence of Rafe's death.
With some effort she pulled herself together, and turned. From what direction had she come? The forest edge seemed to be in this direction. Driven from this new insight she started her way back. When she had reached the forest edge she recognized where she had gone and how she'd find her way back to the airbase.
Partway back, the rain started pouring down. A cloudburst right over her, and Allie couldn't help herself. She laughed out loud, jumped into the puddles, danced. It didn't take long for her to be soaked to the skin. But that couldn't harm her. Nothing and no one could harm her.
She was dead certain, Rafe was not dead. She would've felt it if he'd died. But she hadn't felt a thing. He had to be alive and would get in touch soon. As soon as possible.
"Rafe's not dead!" she yelled to the clouds, a thunder for an answer. Utterly overwrought and euphoric she finally returned to the airfield.
Jauntily and dripping wet she stumbled into the biggest hangar, where the pilots often spent their time while it was raining like today. There they were assembled, Red, Billy, Gooz and Anthony, and turned in surprise searching for the perpetrator of the clattering.
Red recognized the drenched person first. "Oh Allie, my sympathies, we j-j-just heard-", he interrupted his expression of sympathy in the middle of the sentence when he saw the broad grin on her face. The others where no less staggered.
The young woman exploded with laughter. "You should see your faces." She literally doubled over laughing. The men exchanged some worried glances, then Billy rose to speak. "Allie, are you ok?" he asked with concern in his voice, stepping closer. She grabbed his forearm and with his help she was able to straighten herself and even to calm a little. However, every time she tried to say something, she instead started laughing hysterically.
"Our terror of the skies has snapped", Gooz concluded dryly, who had also closed up. He took hold of Allies other arm and finally – propped up by the two men – the airwoman calmed down somewhat.
"You're sopping wet and awfully cold, you have to get out of those clothes or you'll catch your death", Billy tried to bring the gravity of the situation to her mind. She stared at him wide-eyed for some time. Billy nodded slowly as if to get the message through to her.
"Rafe's not dead" she declared with utter conviction before biting her lip, not able to stop the giggles.
The men looked at each other again, unsure wat to do. They were trained for the event of war, but dealing with a crazy airwoman, in this case they had to improvise.
"That won't work", Anthony now joined in. "We just get her into the shower, hot water… or has anybody a better idea?" The room fell silent while everybody thought if there was a better alternative.
So, with combined efforts, they convinced the woman in the midst of their group to come along and escorted her to the bathroom adjoining Allie's room. There was a short discussion if they should enter her room without permission and if there even was a bathroom, until Billy sheepishly admitted to secretly borrowing skincare from Allie and therefore, he knew that she had her own bathroom.
After another discussion the men had convinced Allie to at least take of her shoes, before steering her into the shower, turning on the warm water, then retreating in the hope that she'd come back to her mind and take of the wet clothes. At least they reasoned with her through the closed door.
Danny still hadn't quite realized, what had happened. Subconsciously he had known this day would come, he had known that from the moment Rafe had asked him to be the one to bring Evelyn the bad news.
And now he'd gotten the bad news. It had gone right through him and preferably he'd just run too, like Allie. But he'd given Rafe his word, and he would keep his word, if that was the last thing he'd do.
He had mentally prepared, braced himself, but from the moment he stepped out of the car and looked up to Evelyn, she had known, what had happened. Why else would he show up at the dispensary on a Sunday afternoon? He had figured on her reaction – he actually had expected Allie to react this way – and so he put his arms comforting around her.
They had talked about Rafe, at the well, while the thunderstorm had approached, and Evelyn had told him that Rafe had volunteered. That was so characteristically for Rafe, always trying to protect the people around him, but not himself. Always trying to be the hero as soon as there was the slightest of chances, he'd always been like that.
They agreed on meeting at the Hula-La tonight to toast to Rafe, it was tradition here to do that, when one of them was killed in action. Evelyn apologized for taking up so much time and went home to refresh herself.
Therefore, Danny went back to the airbase. He knew the other pilots had received the bad news already, but Allie had still been missing when he had left to tell Evelyn. He became worried, the older Allie got the more unpredictable he perceived her behavior.
Not accepting Rafe's crash seemed atypical for the young woman, but still she had run off. As if it was possible to run away from an obvious fact.
He was not surprised to see nobody on the airfield, it still was pouring down, but the hangar was also empty. A bit uncertain he went searching the quarters and was astonished to find the whole crew in Allies room, gathered around the bathroom door.
"What's going on, Allie showed up again?" he asked, his voice shakier than he would have liked.
Everyone starred at him for a moment, they had been talking in a low voice, then Billy proclaimed nearly triumphantly, "Danny goes to have a look!" The guys around Billy nodded relieved in approval.
"At what?" the chosen one inquired, not the slightest bit less worried than before asking his previous question.
Anthony came over with a few long strides, grabbed his arm and dragged Danny to the door. "Allie's in there", he stated casually, as if that was the most normal thing in the world, "and she stopped talking to us some minutes ago. But now the warm water is probably used up and that leads nowhere."
Danny stared at the man, stunned, who let go of his arm. "… what?!" He didn't know what else to say.
"See, half an hour ago Allie came back, all wet and laughing hysterically", Gooz continued. "We put her in the shower so she won't go hypothermic, but she won't answer anymore when we ask if she's ok. Before that she always yelled 'Rafe's not dead!' back, but by now she could have taken off her clothes so…" he rolled his eyes meaningfully, "nobody dares going in."
He grinned at Danny. "But I'm sure you don't mind, so get to work, Lieutenant!"
And before Danny could object, the group had shoved him through the doorway.