- Chapter 04 -
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Nervously, he paced to and fro, sporadically casting swift glances toward the dark iron door. He was too busy with his own thoughts to care much about the unpleasant cold, the stale air, and its stifling, frowzy scent that made every breath an exhausting effort.
It was ridiculous. Absurd at best.
Telac had told him about his plan to destroy the celestial temple and that he needed Bashir's help to do so. But why him? Telac knew that a single bomb couldn't possibly destroy the wormhole. He had worked long on constructing his layer-destruction bomb, and even if he didn't like it, Julian had to acknowledge that Telac had done a good job. Apart from the fact that his plan was utterly absurd.
Telac had tried to explain it to him, he had tried to convince Julian of the righteousness of his actions. But no one in their right mind would have listened to him.
Julian had already made up his mind. If there was anything he felt obliged to do, it was to stop this madness. But how to prevent Telac from finishing his work? No one knew his whereabouts, nor that he had crashed on this faraway planet, and he seriously doubted that anyone would come to rescue him in the foreseeable future. No, he wouldn't get any help from Starfleet; he was on his own.
He was still thinking about his limited options when a scratching, unpleasant sound suddenly made him spin around. Dazzled by the sudden light, he winced, lifting an arm to cover his eyes that had been in the dark too long to adjust quickly enough.
He wasn't at all sure what was happening. They probably brought him food; his stomach hadn't had anything since the shuttle crash a day ago. In fact, he hadn't had much contact with his captors at all. He couldn't even remember what had happened after the crash. The last thing he could dimly recall was the planet's surface coming ever closer as he frantically tried to regain control of his shuttle. And then everything went black. He had woken in the exact cell he was now standing in, frightened and confused, not knowing where he was or why he had been brought here. The first time he had actually seen somebody had been only a few hours ago.
However, no matter how much he longed for food, he pushed his grumbling stomach from his mind, concentrating on what was happening right now.
"Telac wants to talk to you."
Two men entered the dark cell, casting long square shadows on the floor where the artificial light from the corridor spilled in. He couldn't see their faces, though he was sure he knew their voices. One of them had escorted him the first time he had been led out of the darkness.
"What does he want now?" Bashir retorted nonchalantly, trying not to let his anxiety show.
He didn't get any response.
The two tall men just grabbed him by his upper arms and dragged him out of the cell, walking him through an endless number of narrow hallways. In front of a thick iron door, they came to a halt.
"He's waiting in there. If you please."
Slightly unsure, Julian turned around to face the men before reluctantly opening the thick iron door. The room beyond was dimly lit, and as he entered completely, he heard the door shut behind him with an ill-boding thud. Cautiously, he looked around and felt his heartbeat quicken when he realized his bad feeling had proven true. Heavy iron brackets were attached to one wall, the only furniture, apart from some racks, a sparse metal table in the middle of the room, its body straps clearly indicating its use.
Julian felt his stomach turn, though he tried to clamp down on his nervousness as best he could. He had been in much worse situations, after all.
"Ah, my dear Dr. Bashir. Nice to see you again!"
Startled by the unexpected closeness of the voice, Julian spun. Telac was standing a few feet to his left, hands clasped behind his back, offering a broad smile on a perfectly shaped face. Too perfectly.
"What do you want from me, Telac? I won't help you with your plan. I already told you as much."
The older man shook his head. "I know, I know. But perhaps you've changed your mind by now?"
Julian knew very well that his words were meant as a threat.
"Forget it, Telac. I will not help you blow up the wormhole, no matter how much you want my help."
"Oh, doctor, please. I thought we already had that discussion. You see, I need you. I can't accept 'no' as an answer. I brought you here. You're an essential part of my plan, so you would do us both a favor if you didn't make it so difficult."
Bashir hardly breathed. "You know that it's pure madness! You don't really expect me to help you, do you?"
"It's people like you who don't understand. People from across that passage; filthy, barbarous people trying to hog as much as they can," the older man suddenly spat out. "You're no better. The only thing I want is to restore peace. And you would agree if you had enough common sense."
When Bashir didn't answer, Telac's smile suddenly reappeared, widening with every second he watched the young Starfleet lieutenant. "Please, believe me, doctor, you'll change your mind."
Feeling a firm grip around both of his upper arms, Julian's heart skipped several beats at once. For a short second, he thought of overwhelming the guards and attacking Telac. It took only that long for him to play it all through in his mind. But the truth was, he was outnumbered. He didn't stand a ghost of a chance of overcoming them. Even if he offered resistance now, he wouldn't make it far. He would probably just make things worse.
"I'm Starfleet. Consider that. They'll send a rescue team."
The elder man grinned, revealing a line of perfectly white teeth. "Well, just start to count the days until then, Julian, but keep in mind that you might keep me company longer than you can imagine now."
Julian didn't know what Telac was alluding to and he didn't have any time to dwell on it; he suddenly felt himself being pushed against the moist stone wall, the heavy iron brackets snapping tightly around his wrists. Trying to concentrate, he pushed back his fear. No matter what Telac did to him, he wouldn't help him. He would never let himself be used in his warped scheme.
He had always known that one day it would happen. He had been trained during his career. He had been trained to mentally and physically withstand torture, but still, he just couldn't shut out the fear. Telac was unpredictable. He knew that ever since the very first time he had met him. Julian prayed to every god he could think of that Starfleet would notice his disappearance soon. And find me. If the distress signal had made it through the interferences of the planet's stratosphere, DS9 would already know that he hadn't come down on Felan III by choice.
Julian just couldn't imagine why a world like Felan III would fire upon a Starfleet shuttle. They must have known that it was Starfleet. He had even tried to send a distress signal to the central authority of Felan III when the interplanetary defense system falsely opened fire on him while he was passing the planet's gravitation belt. At least he had thought so. After his encounter with Telac, though, he was anything but sure that the attack had been an accident. So, strictly speaking, he had been kidnapped. And now he was trapped. Trapped by an apparently insane scientist who wanted to abuse him for his maniacal plans.
He just prayed they would find him soon. It was the only thing he could think of. He just needed to hold out until then.
Bracing himself for what was to come, Julian watched Telac step in front of him, saw that evil, sadistic smile on his too perfectly shaped face, his dark eyes sparkling with a joy that Julian couldn't help but loathe – and all at once, without warning, his world was gone, what was left behind nothing but an all-surrounding, stabbing, blinding darkness; so merciless that it came as a violent blow, taking all his breath at once.
The first thing slowly seeping into his consciousness again was his own cries, echoing back from the dark cellar walls.
Julian had yelled until his voice cracked, but it had done little to stop the pain in his body. He was completely at Telac's mercy. Every muscle, every fiber of his body felt on fire, driving him to the edge of consciousness. Even though he was inches away from blacking out, the hot agony never ceased. Julian couldn't imagine a pain like it. Never before had he felt so vulnerable, never before had he felt so naked and unprotected, so utterly defenseless. Screaming, he tried to free himself, tearing desperately at the iron brackets, only making them cut into his wrists even deeper..
His body had collapsed even before his mind had, his legs giving way and leaving his trembling body hanging by the brackets around his wrists. Panting heavily for breath, with his chest still on fire, Julian desperately fought the urge to throw up, his stomach a complete mess. Choking and gasping irregularly for breath, he forced his mind further toward consciousness.
"Julian, my boy, I thought you were a bit tougher..."
Bashir was too exhausted to react to Telac's disrespect. Still shaking with pain - and rage, he realized - he desperately wished for Telac to ask him again; ask him to help, so he could turn him down again, showing him that no physical pain would make him betray his beliefs.
But the question never came.
Instead, a sudden violent slap across the face sent his head flying to the side.
"I expect more discipline, Julian."
Bashir gritted his teeth, though his body was too weak to bring forth a single word.
"Believe me, Julian, after a few days I'll have you crawling on the floor, begging me for forgiveness."
He didn't even have time to catch his breath and brace himself for what came next. The fire shot up again, plunging him back into the rough sea of agony. Julian cried out until his voice was gone and finally - after what seemed like an excruciating eternity - the black veil of unconsciousness enclosed his agonizing mind.
It was dark when he woke, the only light cast in by the dull electrical lighting filtering through a small vent below the ceiling. The ground was again damp and cold, though some indefinite feeling told him that this room was different from the previous one. He couldn't muster the strength to really care much, though.
He didn't know what time it was or how much time had already passed since his painful encounter with Telac. Cautiously, he tried to move, wincing as fresh pain flared up in his chest at the slightest motion. With a silent groan, he gasped for air.
He was lying on his belly, his right arm numb and buried somewhere under his body, his face pressed against the damp ground. He was cold - but there was nothing he could do about it. Even thinking was an effort, his mind a dizzy whirl of chaos.
He was in shock - that much he knew. In shock from the torture, from what they had done to him. But awareness brought no relief. Instead, his thoughts involuntarily whirled back to what Telac had said: that Julian would spend more time in his company than he imagined. The thought alone made his stomach turn.
Bashir didn't dare imagine what would happen if Starfleet wasn't able to track him down. His heart beat faster at the mere thought. What if they didn't find him? He had sworn to himself that he would never help Telac, but how long could he keep unwavering?
"You can believe me, Julian, after a few days I'll have you crawling on the floor, begging me for forgiveness."
Thinking back on what Telac had said - on what the man had actually done to him - he felt panic threatening to overwhelm him. A few days? He already felt at the end of his strength, his body sick with pain, his mind telling him that this was one of those worse situations. Banishing every thought out of his mind, he closed his eyes. He just longed for rest. He didn't know what Telac had done to him, though he could still feel the pain in every aching muscle. All he wanted was to sleep - long and deep - and perhaps to never wake up again.
But then something moved. Somewhere in front of him. He couldn't see what it was. He just felt it - felt being watched. Willing himself further back toward consciousness, he slowly raised his head. A wave of nausea made him stop. For a dreadful moment, he desperately fought the urge to throw up until the white stars slowly started to fade from his vision. Then he gritted his teeth and pushed his chin a little higher. It only took him a few seconds to discern the semi-dark figure in the distance.
A girl, presumably not much older than ten. She sat in one corner of the cell, watching him with wide eyes, her once-bright white dress dirty and torn, her long, tousled hair falling over her bare shoulders. She only sat there, saying nothing.
Ignoring the stabbing pain, Julian managed to roll onto his side, choking down a desperate cry as hot agony shot through his body at the movement. Letting his head drop weakly back to the ground, he took a deep breath before finally turning to her again.
"...ello..." he gently tried, his voice croaky and broken, barely recognizable as such. "I'm... Julian. And... you?"
The girl didn't answer. She just kept watching him with silent, sad eyes. He had no way of telling if she was well, her strangely apathetic demeanor worrying him even more than his own poor physical condition. After all, she was still a child, suffering much more under the present circumstances than an adult would. If he only had a tricorder to tell if she was okay...
He discarded the thought as soon as it occurred to him, though. In his present condition, Julian was of no use to anybody. He wasn't even able to help himself. There was nothing he could do for her right now, he bitterly realized. But still - at least he could try...
Having something to occupy his mind, he could at least forget about his own miserable condition for the time being. There was someone who needed his help. It was then that the doctor in him took over.
"You don't have... to be afraid. I... won't hurt you."
If he could only get the child to answer. He needed to get her to talk to him. If he only didn't feel so utterly tired himself... Feeling another surge of nausea, he desperately fought back the urge to retch. Although his mind was a bit clearer now, his body was still in shock.
"What's your... name?"
No response.
"Did Telac bring you here?"
She watched him warily, both arms folded around her drawn-up knees. Her eyes never left him, though it was the only reaction she ever showed. She wouldn't answer.
Coughing against the dryness in his throat, Julian let out a long breath, realizing that he didn't have enough strength for both of them, no matter how much he wanted to help her. Every single word sent a sharp pain through his wounded throat, making him finally close his eyes again, unable to fight his exhaustion any longer.
Julian didn't know what had happened to the young girl or what she had already gone through, why Telac would lock her in a dark cell hundreds of meters below the surface. He seriously doubted the girl was a danger to anyone, though he also knew she wasn't here without reason either.
But for right now, he couldn't help her. It hurt his heart not being able to help a patient, but he just couldn't. Not in his present condition. Perhaps if he got stronger, if he recovered from whatever Telac had done to him, perhaps then he could help her. But not now, when he wasn't even capable of forming more than the simplest train of thoughts himself.
He tried to go back to sleep, to let himself slide into the darkness of unconsciousness where there was no pain, no hopelessness. Feeling his heartbeat quicken at the mere thought that things weren't over yet, that he would have to go back, that pain would find him again, he fought back his panic. He would make it. He had been in worse situations after all… Calming his breath, he desperately tried to keep his mind from further thinking.
But sleep just wouldn't come.
She never spoke to him. Not on the next day, nor on any of the following days.
It was during the short hours of consciousness that he saw her sitting there, huddled in the dark corner, her eyes clear but unresponsive, watching him lie on the damp cell floor as he used every second Telac granted him to regain the slightest shred of strength.
He wasn't sure how much time had already passed since his capture, but the long hours of darkness - and those loathsome, merciless hours full of half-consciousness and pain - seemed endless to him.
He tried to remain steadfast. The time he spent under Telac's power was hell on earth. He had never imagined that anyone could endure so much pain without losing their sanity. It felt as if every single muscle, every single fiber of his body had been dragged out by force, as if he had been burned alive. He had been pushed to the verge of self-control. More than once. And he surely would be again.
Julian had lost his voice a long time ago. He had cried so much that there was nothing left of it. No comfort anymore. Not being able to cry out against the paralyzing agony had only made things worse.
He couldn't fool himself any longer; he was reaching the limit of his strength, and an end to the torment was not in sight. But still, Julian clung to a thread of hope. He couldn't give up. Not yet. They would find him, he knew it. Captain Sisko would find him...
Julian desperately clung to that sliver of hope every time his mind lost itself in the misty twilight of hopelessness. He had already faced so many dangers. Someone had to find him. This just couldn't be the end.
He just wished himself away. Far, far away. He felt so naked and unprotected, at the mercy of a maniac who felt not the slightest qualm about using Julian for his insane plans. And there was no one to help him. No one to comfort him, to tell him that everything was going to be all right. No one to promise him that he wasn't opposing in vain, that the pain would finally end; that submitting himself to still more torment was not senseless, that he would be found. That he would be able to go home.
He missed home. He missed it so much. Every time he had to face Telac and saw his evil, sadistic grin, he felt so vulnerable, so defenseless, so... worthless.
The only thing he wanted right now was to go home. Warmth and security - these almost sounded like foreign words to him, their meaning lost in the murky world of a never-ending nightmare. If there was just somebody telling him that he wasn't alone, that he wasn't completely at the mercy of some unpredictable and insane scientist, able to do anything he liked to him without Julian being able to stop him...
And it was in those moments of dark despair that he felt his resolve slipping, slowly but surely washed away by doubt and fear, despair and pain.
But still. He mustn't doubt his rescue. They would find him. They had to.
But what if they didn't?
He had almost given up. He was only inches away.
After a few more encounters with Telac, Julian's inner resistance was finally worn down to the ground, and he just didn't have the strength to build it up anew. Not with the bleak and pitiful future that awaited him in Telac's hands.
He knew that he couldn't go on like this any longer. He was at the end. He barely felt his body anymore, every breath a painful effort. After everything they had taught him at the Academy, he had really tried to resist Telac.
He really had tried to.
He was even ready to die. He would rather die than help Telac's plans. But he also knew that Telac wouldn't let him. Julian didn't know how, but Telac would force him to live - and that thought pulled him even further down into the overwhelming flood of despair.
I hate to break it to you, Julian, but neither your captain nor Starfleet will come for your rescue… They've forsaken you… Look at yourself, you're a miserable sight, sobbing and crying when the pressure becomes too much… It's a wonder you were ever admitted to your Starfleet… Do you really think anybody cares about your disappearance?… I'll have you give me the data I need, Julian, I promise… Get him up!
Lying in a fetal position, curled up on one side, he could feel the damp cold slowly creeping through his uniform. His throat was still sore from the sharp acid that had forced its way up from his stomach. Slumped against the stone wall, he had been conscious enough to somehow will himself into an upright position so he would not choke on his own vomit. He couldn't remember what had happened, another piece missing in his already incomplete memory. Right now, he just felt the uneven, damp ground beneath him, the cold only increasing his shivering.
He felt so sick, so nauseated… so humiliated.
One more encounter with Telac, and he would break. He knew it. If not his mind, then his body would break under the enormous physical pressure. Julian vaguely imagined that if anybody handed him a tricorder right now, he would jump at his own vital signs. Both his blood pressure and his pulse were far below normal, his respiration too uneven and shallow. He didn't know how much more he was able to take, though he knew for sure that under the present circumstances he would soon not only lose consciousness but also his life.
Refusing to open his eyes, he didn't want to ever wake up again. If he did, reality would just catch up with him, and right now he didn't want to face whatever would be waiting for him there - to face Telac, his torture, and his poisonous words telling him how worthless and miserable a human being he was. Julian knew that it was just another way of psychological torture - but the words hurt all the same, more profoundly than Telac probably knew. Julian was so utterly ashamed of his own weakness, so ashamed of showing Telac what he wanted to see. Recalling himself collapsing in front of his torturer, not being able to stop crying in front of the older man, Julian felt so utterly ashamed that he desperately wished to die. Telac was right, he didn't deserve to be in Starfleet. Not as the miserable human being he was.
Trying desperately to shut everything out, to pull back into that world of sleep and half-consciousness, some distant part of his mind noticed that something was different. Almost against his will, his meandering thoughts were pulled back into reality by this new but strong sensation. He couldn't place the feeling at first. He tried to concentrate on it and felt a pleasant warmth in his chest; a feeling so incongruous, so different from the cold that always surrounded him. Almost in spite of himself, he felt himself relax ever so slightly.
Reluctantly opening his eyes, the first thing that came into view was the young girl's disheveled hair. It took his still-sleepy mind some seconds to make sense of it before he carefully lifted his head a few inches.
She must have snuggled up to him while he had been asleep... He couldn't see if she was awake or still sleeping, but her breaths came even and deep, so he decided she must still be asleep. She had her back against his chest, hugging herself with her arms. For a moment, he thought she might be cold, but then her sleep was too peaceful and quiet.
Perplexed, he couldn't take his eyes off her hair. Carefully and without thinking, he lifted his free arm and gently wrapped it protectively around her, not sure what had finally made her trust him, though deep within his heart he was glad she had.
Hugging her softly, he let his head drop back to the ground, fighting his own sleepiness, too astonished at what had just happened. Perhaps it was not too late. Perhaps he would be able to help her. She apparently trusted him, even though she couldn't have known that he was any better than her captors. He didn't know what had prompted her sudden action, but it didn't really matter. He just knew one thing for sure: he would protect her. From Telac, from the Administrative Authority of Felan III, and from the rest of the world if necessary.
Some small voice in his head was nagging at him to accept the hopelessness of his situation, to give up here and now. But he fought it back, concentrating on the only thing strong enough to hold him to life as he affectionately passed one hand over the young girl's inert face.
Feeling her small, warm body snuggled up against his, Julian knew that the world reserved pain not only for him. He couldn't be sure if the young girl had suffered the same things he had, he didn't know if anybody had hurt her, or why she was so desperate as to try and trust the only person left in her young life. But one thing about her action startled him above all: she had made a leap of faith. She didn't know him, his pitiful condition must have even startled her, but still - she had made a leap of faith, knowing that she needed someone to comfort her, to give her affection. That it was the last chance for her to persevere.
Hugging her ever so softly, Julian felt pent-up tears burn behind his eyes.
It was in that very moment that he realized that he had almost given up. He had been so close to it, a step away from the bottomless abyss stretching out before his feet, Telac pushing him forward, ever forward.
But she had dragged him back, farther than he would have been able to do by himself, farther than any hope of being rescued would have done. She had shown him that life wasn't over yet, that there still was hope. That his life wasn't worthless after all.
And he knew one thing for sure. Past the dizzy whirl of chaos engulfing his agonizing mind, he realized what she was trying to tell him, what she was offering the very moment insanity was threatening to claim his mind.
He had to do it. A leap of faith, the only thing able to prevent him from losing himself to Telac's power. He had to have faith and trust his friends. Trust his captain.
Closing his eyes, he somehow felt resolute for the first time in days.
He would never come out alone. Even if it hurt, he had to concede that he could do absolutely nothing to end his ordeal; that his only chance of ever leaving this hell lay now in the hands of others.
The only thing he could do was try to persevere. And trust his friends.
No matter what Telac did to him, no matter how much he tried to get Julian to give him the data he needed to finish his work, Julian wouldn't give it to him. He would hold out.
Until they found him.
Crude light spilled in through the gap in the door, accompanied by a scratching sound. He barely noticed. Closing his eyes against the brightness, he tried to sink back into the comforting oblivion of sleep. If they had come for him, he would know anyway.
Seconds later, he felt a warm hand on his shoulder – and then he was rolled over, unable to resist because his arms and legs felt as numb as his whole body. Someone was there, though he couldn't summon the strength to worry about it.
They must have realized in the end. That I'm nearly about to die, he bitterly thought. That they've pushed me to the brink of what's possible. No human body could endure such torture forever...
He wasn't happy about the thought. If they would just let him sleep, if they would only allow him to rest long enough to gather some strength...
Julian felt that he was being propped up, still not fighting the overwhelming exhaustion his sleepy mind was enveloped in. Someone was there, helping him sit up, although he was too weak to keep his body in an upright position on his own. The other person seemed to notice, gently supporting Julian with their own body.
"My God, what have they done to you?" a voice said. "Drink this. It'll help you recover."
Too tired to argue with the voice, he took some sips without opening his eyes, then turned his head, inadvertently letting the warm, sweet liquid trickle down his chin. Another hand softly guided him to drink more of the lukewarm beverage. Too exhausted to care much, Julian offered no resistance, draining the cup and letting his head drop back as soon as he was finished. Whatever it was, it couldn't possibly be worse than what Telac had done to him. Not that it mattered anyway...
"That's good. You'll be feeling better soon. You'll see."
He felt himself being eased back down, his mind already drifting off to some distant place, far away from here. Julian didn't even notice when the stranger left, his thoughts already lost in the twilight of sleep.
The next time he woke, he felt much stronger; he even managed to sit up. It was an awkward position, though, leaning against one of the walls for support, waiting in the dimness for what seemed to him like an eternity.
It could be worse, though. It must have been some time since Telac's last visit, since Telac had almost crossed the line – and Julian was grateful for the respite. His entire body was still drained, both physically and emotionally, but he felt better now. Better than in the previous hours full of semi-consciousness and tantalizing agony. He felt stronger now, his head a little clearer. Breathing was still an effort but somehow he managed.
All of a sudden, his wandering thoughts snapped back to reality.
The door opened.
In an instant, his heartbeat quickened anxiously, causing him to cower further into the dark corner, staring wide-eyed at the distant door. All he could think was that he didn't want to go back. He didn't know if he could hold out any longer. Wincing, he shielded his eyes as a sudden brightness filled the room. It didn't take long for his eyes to adjust; the light wasn't as harsh as he had initially thought. In fact, it was dim enough for him to make out shapes. He could even distinguish figures in the distance: one was the girl, ever watchful but silent and unmoving. The other...
"Hey there..." a gentle voice said.
Looking up at the newcomer in the doorway, Julian tensed. Against the corridor's brightness, all he could see was the silhouette of the man, though his features were masked by darkness.
"What... do you want from me?" Julian asked after a few moments, slowly releasing the breath he'd been holding. Obviously, this man wasn't one of the guards, as neither of the black-clad figures had ever bothered to speak to him.
The man stepped closer, kneeling down beside Julian and placing a small tray on the ground. When the light from the corridor touched his face, Julian saw that he couldn't be much older than him. "I... suppose you're hungry. Please..."
Retreating further into the corner, Julian chose to ignore the stranger. He wasn't ready to trust him, whether he brought food or not. He was still a captive. He had been tortured. He couldn't trust the stranger any more than he could trust Telac.
"I'm... not hungry."
"But you haven't eaten in days!" the man persisted.
Only days? Rather felt like weeks...
Slightly bewildered, Julian noticed the genuine concern in the stranger's eyes, though it didn't make it any easier for him.
"You need to regain some strength. Besides, it tastes good."
He didn't care if the food was edible or not. He didn't want to eat. He didn't want to recover. He wanted to be left alone. Untouched. To survive long enough for Starfleet to find him. That was all that mattered now. He didn't want to regain his strength. As long as he was on the brink of death, they wouldn't touch him. It would just start all over again. And he would never be able to go through it again without losing his sanity.
"Why don't you just give up?"
The question came so unexpectedly, so all of a sudden. It was said in a low, sympathetic whisper; the man shook his head and turned his gaze away from Julian.
"You know that you can't win, don't you? And yet you refuse to give up. You're only making things worse, you know. Last time, you were nearly about to die. And still you won't cooperate with Telac's plans..."
Taking a deep breath, Julian closed his eyes, trying not to think further about the stranger's words. "I have... no other choice. I can't help him. There are so many lives at stake and... I just can't give up yet..."
"But you've suffered enough. If you don't give up now, things will probably get even worse..."
Against his will, a desperate smile crossed Julian's lips. "It's... really hard to imagine... isn't it? I mean... that things could get... even worse," he managed, fighting back a surge of fear.
"But why? There's nothing you can do about it. He'll kill you. But before that, he'll break you – there's no way to avoid it."
For the first time, Julian met the stranger's gaze. He had to tell him. He had to tell someone why he resisted Telac; to speak aloud what had convinced him that it wasn't over yet. He knew he would never get out alone. But he still had hope. That was why he was still there, enduring Telac's torture, still breathing because he hadn't given up hope yet. He almost had, but someone had caught him and pulled him back before he could plunge into the dark abyss awaiting him...
Casting a fleeting but affectionate smile – at least he tried to make it a smile – toward the young girl, he suddenly realized how much he cared for her already. Like before, she hadn't spoken since that day, nor had she shown any other reaction. But it didn't matter because he knew she had placed her trust in him...
Julian turned back to the stranger and took a deep breath.
"They'll come for me. I know that... Starfleet will find me, and... Captain Sisko, Dax, they'll come for me... I'm sure they'll find me..." he whispered, his own voice sounding barely convincing to himself. But it was true. He would be rescued. He knew it for sure. Someone would come for him, and it was up to him to stay alive until then.
"You have to eat."
Confused by the sudden change of topic, Julian eyed the tray of food with disdain. He was hungry. He couldn't remember the last time he had eaten. His stomach ached as much from hunger as from the torture, but still he couldn't bring himself to touch the food.
There was a long silence before the man spoke again.
"Then do it for your captain. If you want to withstand Telac until they find you, you'll have to regain some strength. If you're right and they come for you – you might have a chance if you get stronger."
Julian nodded slightly, staring at the floor. "I'll consider it..."
"Well, I have to go now..." the man said, slowly rising. With a brief sympathetic smile, he turned and left, taking the meager light with him.
The room was plunged into darkness once more.
"So, you still refuse to help me, Julian?"
Somehow, even Telac must have realized it in the end—that he couldn't win by torturing Bashir to death. He almost had, but obviously, he had realized his mistake in time to make the young man stay. Julian didn't know how much time had passed since their last encounter. He had regained some strength since then, still feeling miserable, but no longer in any immediate physical danger. Julian had even been grateful for the time alone...
"I was really hoping not to take this measure, but obviously, you don't leave me much choice."
Bashir was standing in the middle of the room, unmoving. It was very early in the morning - at least he thought it was morning, for he had already lost count of the days - and unlike the previous times, he hadn't been strapped to the wall. He knew, though, that Telac's new plan could hardly be better than his previous one.
Telac offered a broad smile, closing in on the young doctor. After a short while, Julian heard the metal doors open once again. He didn't even turn, nor did he care. Just another one of Telac's petty games. Never removing his stare from the opposite wall, he failed to notice the two guards until they were standing right in front of Telac - with another prisoner carried in their midst. Julian turned his head only far enough to catch a short glimpse of the three newcomers - but subsequently felt his heart skip several beats at once.
Captain Sisko. The man dragged into the room by the two guards was no other than Captain Sisko!
Julian couldn't help staring aghast at the three men, all color draining from his face. He suddenly felt sick, stunned by the sight he had least of all expected to see. He didn't know how Sisko had gotten here, but seeing his own captain in that pitiful, battered shape in front of his eyes was like a violent blow.
The brief moment of joy about the unexpected reunion - or what was much more important: the fact that they had actually found him! - was immediately drowned by the horror of how Sisko had fallen into Telac's power. He wasn't one for carelessly taking risks. Julian had imagined that if anyone could stop this madness, it would be Sisko - at least, Julian had hoped so. But at the sight of his captain, sunken down in front of Telac, the man he had used to look up to, battered and beaten and totally under the other man's power, Julian's last shreds of hope were dashed into hundreds of thousands of pieces.
"This… can't be true…" Julian stammered, struggling against the overwhelming surge of despair. His mind raced. How was this possible? Had they really found him? Had his distress signal made it through to the station? Had they shared the same fate when they had tried to track him down on Felan III? How had Sisko fallen into Telac's power?
Telac apparently relished the young man's bewildered sight.
"Strap him."
Like in a trance, Julian watched the guards drag Sisko to the opposite wall until he heard the strong iron brackets snap in place firmly around the captain's wrists. During the whole procedure, Sisko never offered any resistance. He seemed only half conscious, obviously not having been treated any better than Julian himself. Unable to take his eyes off the horrible sight, Bashir felt his heart leap into his throat. He didn't even notice Telac coming up to him until he suddenly heard the older man's loathsome voice sickeningly close to his ear.
"Well, well, if this isn't your dear captain. What do you say now, Julian? Wasn't he supposed to get you out of here? Doesn't seem like he's much help now…" One side of Telac's mouth curled up in cruel amusement. "I was hoping not to go this far, but you leave me no choice. I have no use for him. You know that the one I want is you. So…"
Telac suddenly held out a long, dagger-shaped knife, presenting it to Bashir. "Listen well, Julian. It's very easy. I want you to kill him. Slowly. With this knife."
The young man stared incredulously at Telac. Then at the knife in his hands. It took some time for the realization of what Telac had just demanded to sink in. Barely able to overcome his shock, Julian managed a weak shake of the head. He wasn't sure he had heard correctly.
"I'm a doctor, not a murderer," he forced out with great effort.
Telac laughed mockingly. The sound pierced Bashir's heart like an icicle. "You underestimate me, Julian!"
He beckoned again, and the guards left the room, returning shortly after with two other people.
"Dax!" Julian's voice nearly cracked when he saw who entered the room after them. Instinctively, he tried to move towards the young Trill but was roughly pulled back by the unyielding grip of the guards next to him.
Jadzia didn't look at him. Behind her, he saw the young girl from the cell. Julian involuntarily held his breath, refusing to imagine what it possibly meant that Telac had brought her here as well. Confused, his eyes darted from Telac to Sisko and back. His thoughts wouldn't stop spinning. It couldn't possibly be real. Those people just couldn't be Captain Sisko and Lieutenant Dax. Perhaps it was just another of Telac's warped schemes to break him. He refused to accept that this was reality. It made no sense. This just couldn't be real!
"What are you up to, Telac?" Julian shook with barely subdued, desperate anger. "Do you think I'll fall for your petty tricks? That's not Captain Sisko!"
Telac held up his hands, ever smiling. "Are you absolutely sure? It was you who said that Starfleet would send a rescue team for you. Well, too bad they weren't aware of the planet's defensive system."
Bashir shot an uncertain look at Dax. Could it be true…? "He's right, Julian," she whispered, tears filling her beautiful eyes, as if to say she was unspeakably sorry.
"No, that's not true!"
Startled, he realized that Telac was offering him a tricorder. "Then you might want to prove it yourself, Doctor. Go ahead."
Reluctantly taking the tricorder with trembling hands, he didn't dare look at the vital signs on the screen. But he knew he didn't have a choice. Dizzy with the implications, he finally found the strength to step forward, cautiously approaching the captain. It couldn't be. Julian was sure it was just another of Telac's perverse games, another way of trying to break him. But still… What if it really was Sisko? What if Julian's last chance and hope of ever being rescued ended in this very room? He would have fought for it in vain, all the pain he had been through, it would never come to an end. With shaky hands, he lifted the tricorder, scanning the vital signs... and felt a deep abyss open up beneath him.
It was Sisko.
"Oh my god, it can't be true..."
Unable to move, Julian felt Telac take the tricorder away.
"I won't repeat my order."
It took a few moments for Julian to comprehend the situation. It was Sisko. None of Telac's games. This was reality. And he stood right in the middle of it.
He didn't know what to do. For the first time in days, he felt completely helpless. The only thing he knew for sure was that he would never kill Sisko, never even consider the possibility. Telac's demand was utterly insane. And Julian was sure the older man knew it perfectly well.
"If you disobey my order, Lieutenant Dax will die." Telac grabbed the young Trill roughly by her arm. He held another knife under Jadzia's throat, the young woman not even fighting against the harsh treatment.
Julian frantically searched for a solution. He wouldn't kill Sisko. He would never kill his commanding officer. But if he didn't, Telac would murder Jadzia. Still staring at the scarlet-clad man and Dax, he shook his head. He was stuck in a nightmare. His whole world had turned into an indescribable nightmare. Feeling sick to his bones, Julian was barely able to form a coherent thought. He only knew that he had to stop this. He had to do something. Anything.
"No… I can't," he almost pleaded, trying to make Telac understand. He would do anything Telac wanted him to do. He would endure every physical pain, but this order was utterly insane.
Without another word, Telac pulled the knife through Dax' throat, making Julian cry out in surprise and dismay. The young woman slowly slipped from Telac's grip. Blood was running down her uniform, dripping to the floor. Julian was barely able to grasp what he had just witnessed. It had happened so fast. So ludicrously fast.
"No," he whispered in bewilderment. It couldn't be real. God, it just couldn't be real. Staring aghast at the young Trill's unmoving body, he frantically refused to accept what had just happened.
Jadzia.
Telac had murdered Jadzia, the young woman he had felt so much attracted to, the young woman he had fallen in love with, ever since their first meeting on the station more than four years ago. Even now her pale, inert face was so beautiful, so graceful that seeing her lifeless body, carelessly slumped at Telac's feet, almost tore up his heart. Julian felt his legs give way, and he slumped to the floor, but Telac didn't give him time to mourn.
"You'll kill Sisko, or the girl is next."
It was madness. Julian's shoulders shook violently when he faced Telac, pleading. No, he just couldn't. How could Telac expect him to kill Sisko? His own captain? An innocent man? How had he even dared touch Jadzia?
"If you still refuse to follow my orders, more people will die. I'll kill them, one by one, until you finally obey my order."
Telac's voice was icy, pushing Julian to the edge of his sanity. "No... no... you... can't do that..." he stammered. An inner voice urged him to turn and run. Run as far away as possible. But he knew innocent people would probably die because of his actions. He felt short of breath, the walls closing in around him. But there was no escape. One thing he could grasp was that there was no way out this time. Not for him. Telac was serious, more serious than Julian had ever imagined. Desperate tears came filling his eyes as he looked back at Jadzia's lifeless, mangled body. Then his eyes moved to the young girl whose life now lay entirely in his hands. He had sworn to protect her...
Telac would kill her. Julian was certain of it. And Telac would kill others. Until Julian did what he wanted. The young girl's life - and that of another innocent man, as well as the lives of so many others he didn't even know - lay in Julian's hands. Telac had made him judge over life and death, and after days of torture and physical pain, it was too much for him. He had his ideals, his principles. He had been taught what was right and wrong since childhood, and he had always acted according to his conscience. He had made decisions based on his principles. He had become a doctor, always following his ideals. He had sworn an oath. An oath to protect life. And now he was forced to betray everything he believed in. There was no other way. Not for him. Telac held Julian's life in his hands, and no matter what he did, Telac would force a decision out of the young man.
Julian felt nauseated, loathing Telac as much as himself because he knew his life was no longer his. Telac had told him that more than once, had tried to make him realize that opposing his orders would only lead to further suffering.
"I can't do it…" Bashir wasn't sure if the words ever made it past his lips. The answer, though, came as a violent blow when Telac violently grabbed the young girl's shoulders, the blood-soaked knife already in his hand.
"You don't have any choice, Julian. I'll have you kill Sisko, I'll have you obey my orders no matter how many lives I have to destroy in order to seize control over yours. Look at your little girlfriend. You know it's your fault, don't you? She wouldn't have had to lose her life if you had obeyed me in the first place. How many more lives does it take to make you give up yours?" Smiling a cruel smile, Telac pressed the tip of the knife harder against the girl's skin. "She'll die. You better hurry."
"Telac, she's… she's just a girl. Please, leave…" Bashir begged for Telac's mercy, completely ignoring his pride, but was abruptly stopped by the young girl's fearful scream when the older man added more pressure to the knife. Julian couldn't help but stare horrified at the small red trickle oozing down from where the knife was piercing the girl's skin.
"Stop…" he managed, shaking. "Stop it!"
"Then do what I told you!" Telac shouted, drowning out the girl's anxious sobs.
"I…"
"Do it or she'll die!"
Break down.
He wanted to break down; to cry out against the crushing weight of despair; to lose himself and weep over every wrong direction his life had been taken into during the last two weeks. He wanted to cry about how life had turned into hell, how it had been taken from him, how his will was being turned against himself. How senseless and loathsome his very own life had become.
But still he couldn't, his emotional part deafened by the rational part of himself, telling him that breaking down would just make things worse, that giving in to his own agonizing pain would probably cost other people their lives.
He had already killed Jadzia, a person who had meant so much to him. And he would kill so many other innocent people. There was no way to avoid more murder. No matter his decision, he wouldn't be able to save everyone…
His vision blurred. Julian's gaze went to Sisko, then to Telac and the young girl – and finally, something broke deep within his heart.
Julian Bashir, the doctor whose principles and ideals, whose passion for justice had directed his life so far, died in the very moment he finally took hold of the knife and made a decision.
He tried not to think, just concentrated on the wall at the far end of the room. He had once sworn an oath to protect life. He had to do so, even if it meant sacrificing one man's life to save so many others. Even if Julian had to betray everything he believed in, even if he had to betray his own self. Even if he would never be able to forgive himself for the dreadful deed he was about to commit. That he was forced to do.
His face devoid of any emotion, he slowly went over to Sisko until he stopped directly in front of him. His gaze met Sisko's, and it was worse than any physical torture he had gone through during the last days. Because he knew that it wasn't only one man's life he was about to destroy. Kasidy, Jake, Joseph. He would end up hurting so many others close to the captain. His throat tightened, and his fingers shook so violently that he feared he'd lose hold of the knife.
The memories of those people, however, didn't belong to him anymore. They were Dr. Julian Bashir's, and he knew that it was a self he would never be able to go back to.
"I'm... sorry..." he whispered in a broken voice, almost too weak to will himself to stand.
Sisko met his gaze squarely, his mouth twisting in agony; as if he was pleading Julian to stop but was too weak to utter a single word.
Words.
Julian had to act before a single word escaped the captain's lips because he didn't know if he had the strength to continue if Sisko implored him to come to his senses. Julian squeezed his eyes shut; and with all his strength, he plunged the knife into the older man's heart. The blade pierced easily through the skin, the subsequent sputtering sound making Julian convulsively swallow against the sickness in his stomach. When he opened his eyes, Sisko's gaze had widened with bewilderment and disbelief. The captain stared at Julian as if he couldn't comprehend what the young man had just done, almost praying for Julian to undo it. But Julian couldn't fulfill this hope. He would never again be able to fulfill anyone's hope. Nauseated with himself, he couldn't bear to witness death, averting his gaze quickly enough not to see the captain's eyes slowly clouding over.
"Very well, Doctor."
He barely noticed Telac walking up to his side. He was still staring terrified at his bloodied hands, which still clutched the knife in a white-knuckled grip. Sisko's blood. Something cold closed around his heart, so tightly that he could hardly breathe...
He had murdered his captain.
"I see you've learned your lesson well. Your life is mine. It will be mine forever and there is nothing you can do about it."
Julian didn't look up, nauseated by his own actions.
Almost gently, Telac took him by his trembling shoulders, steering him back toward the table in the middle of the room.
"I want you to swear an oath, Julian. An oath of everlasting loyalty."
Not waiting for Julian's reaction, the older man reached for a heavy goblet in front of him, offering it to Julian with another loathsome, cruel smile. Confused at first, the young man reluctantly took it. It was an old-fashioned goblet filled with a thick, red liquid.
"I want you to drink this as a sign of loyalty. If you disobey, the girl will be next."
Numbly, Julian watched the older man but finally nodded. It just had to stop. No more murder. God, please make it stop!
"What... is it?"
"Blood. Jadzia's blood."
Julian nearly dropped the goblet. "No..." he shook his head, tears filling his eyes and blurring his vision.
"If you don't do it, I'll kill your young friend. I'll let more people die until you finally obey my wishes!"
It was madness. A never-ending nightmare. Life had become a madness he couldn't free himself from. He felt on the verge of losing control when his fingers clenched around the goblet. The mere sight of the thick, red liquid made his stomach turn. But the young girl's life depended on Julian's decision. She had heard what he was expected to do, and now she was waiting. For life or death.
It was just blood, he told himself. He would do it. It didn't matter that it was Jadzia's. It didn't matter what it was. In that moment, nothing mattered anymore. He shut out every thought and began to take a sip of the warm liquid. Catching his breath and ignoring the metallic taste, he forced it down.
After the third gulp, he involuntarily dropped the goblet, clutching one hand desperately over his mouth, trying to hold it down. But in vain. Crying and sobbing, he fell to his knees, vomiting, retching, and unable to stop. He knew that Telac would kill the girl, but he just couldn't stop.
When he heard the sickening sound of the knife slicing through the girl's throat, he threw both arms over his head, shielding himself. Curled up on the damp ground, shaking desperately, he couldn't stop the tears from streaming down his cheeks, sobbing and wishing to die right there. If Telac would just let him die, die, die...
"I won't make it that easy for you, Julian."
He hated him. Julian hated Telac for what he had done to him. For what he had turned Julian into. And he loathed himself. Loathed his own weakness. Loathed what he had become.
"I'll have you drink that blood. If you disobey, I'll have many others to share the fate of your friends..."
He felt a firm grip around his arm. Someone was roughly dragging him up from the ground until he stood once more in front of the older man who again offered Julian the goblet.
"You're far from any choice now. If you drink, your life is mine. You'll never be able to go back. If you disobey, your will will still be yours, but they'll die. As long as you don't give in."
Julian couldn't even muster the strength to cry anymore. The only things he could see were Jadzia and Sisko's lifeless bodies. And he had killed them. Even though Dax had died by Telac's hand, it was all Julian's fault. And the young girl's death. If he didn't drink now, he would be responsible for so many more deaths. It was as Telac had said. Julian was far from having any choice.
It was the moment when he took the goblet that he surrendered himself. He shut down every thought, every emotion. There was no Sisko, no Dax anymore. No girl. There was no one to reproach him, no one to pity him, no one to judge his actions, no one to return to, no one of any importance to him. No one would ever know that Julian Bashir hadn't died with his comrades that day.
No one.
No one.
No one...
After draining the goblet, his face became ghostly expressionless, until he was staring at Telac with no emotion at all.
"From now on, you'll assist me in constructing the layer destruction bomb. I'll arrange accommodations for you. You're free to engage in activities outside or make new acquaintances. I trust you've learned your lesson well."
Julian still didn't respond, not even blink.
"If you attempt to flee or take your own life, others will suffer the consequences. Understood?"
Julian gave a barely perceptible nod.
"Very well. Every now and then we'll have to talk about your loyalty again, but for now, you're free to leave."
Telac gestured towards the thick iron door, smiling, though Julian paid no attention. Without looking back, he stumbled out of the room. As soon as the heavy iron door closed behind him, Julian collapsed unconsciously onto the floor.
It was the computer's voice that woke him. Sleepy and slightly disoriented, he blinked and propped himself on his elbows. He found himself lying in a bed with a big white pillow and a soft, fluffy bedcover snug around his body. For a few seconds, he simply stared at the unfamiliar sight. Something felt off, but he couldn't quite pinpoint it. His attention snapped back to the present when the computer's voice sounded again, insisting on a confirmation that he was awake.
With a groan, he let himself drop back against the soft pillow and rubbed his eyes. He felt so utterly tired, every muscle aching. Slowly, he pushed the bedcover aside, rolled over, and stumbled out of bed. As he stood upright, he was surprised to feel dizzy, his legs barely supporting him, feeling like rubber. What on earth had happened? He shook his head, trying to clear his foggy mind, and awkwardly made his way across the room to locate the source of the morning call.
His gaze fell upon a small commpanel next to the door of his quarters. Instinctively, he pressed the shiny red button, and the voice immediately ceased.
It was strange. He couldn't recall having activated the alarm call. In fact, he couldn't remember anything before waking just minutes ago. Uncertain, he cast a curious look around. His quarters were silent and orderly, confirming he must indeed be in his own quarters. A couch was positioned against one wall, with two armchairs, a table, and a small replicator. The door on the far side likely led to a bathroom.
Slowly, he found his way to the bathroom, splashing cold water over his tired face. When he looked at his reflection in the mirror above the sink, he winced at the fatigue and pallor staring back at him. He looked as if he had been through a nightmare.
How had he ended up here? He couldn't remember...
Suddenly, the high-pitched sound of the doorbell drew his attention. Julian followed the chirp to the door and found a tall, blond man with square shoulders standing outside his quarters, roughly his own age.
"Oh, sorry to disturb you," the man said, slightly taken aback to find Julian in light blue pajamas. "Doctor Julian Bashir?"
Julian nodded, still too disoriented to care much about anyone seeing him in his nightwear. "Yes, what can I do for you?"
The man offered a sheepish grin. "My name is John Whincy, but you can call me John. I'm here to repair your replicator."
Uncertain, Julian nodded again, gesturing for John to enter.
"I hope you hadn't planned on having breakfast yet. I was supposed to come here yesterday, but I got tied up. I hope you don't mind..."
"No," Julian replied, "to be honest, I've just gotten up."
"Are you hungry then?" John asked.
Julian shot him a confused look, and John added, "It might take some time to repair the replicator. If you're hungry, you should go get something to eat at the cafeteria."
Yes, he was hungry. Very hungry indeed. It felt as though he hadn't eaten in days. So he nodded.
"Okay, if you get dressed, we could go together."
Julian went back into the bedroom, leaving John in the living room. However, standing in front of his wardrobe, he hesitated. What should he wear? He went back to John.
"I... I suppose you work in the infirmary, right? What about getting dressed for work?" John offered thoughtfully.
Without another word, Julian returned to the wardrobe, sifting through the array of clothes. Most were dark brown, gray, or in the same blue shade as John's overalls. Then his fingers brushed against a black garment. With a slight hesitation, he pulled it out of the wardrobe. It was black, with blue trim at the shoulders, and a lilac shirt underneath.
Uncertain, he turned it over, inhaling the scent of fresh laundry. In an instant, he made up his mind.
When he emerged from the bedroom, John looked up with surprise. "Seems like the right choice."
Julian felt a slight easing of tension. Perhaps it was John's presence, but he sensed a weight lifting from his chest.
"Oh, please, call me Julian," he managed a weak smile.
It was odd, but he already felt a connection to this young man. Perhaps they could become friends...