- Chapter 07 -
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"So Telac's now unaccounted for?"
Odo sat with his elbows propped on the conference table in the wardroom, his hands steepled in front of him. His face was as expressionless as ever, though Sisko thought he could see a small flicker of disdain. In any case, the constable was obviously very interested in what Sisko, Kira, Dax and O'Brien had to report from their rescue mission in the Gamma Quadrant for he was finally able to learn the real reason that had been behind the captain's sudden departure from the station two weeks earlier…
"Officially, the central authority of Felan III filed a report stating that Telac's plans to destroy the wormhole were completely unknown to any official representative. According to their reports, Telac was a terrorist who acted on his own. After the Defiant's interference, Mr. Hradly officially issued an arrest warrant for Telac and his helpers. He also sent his regrets and apologies for what happened."
Kira snorted, not very impressed. "As if Telac would have been able to set up such high-tech facilities on his own…"
"And unofficially?" Lieutenant Worf wanted to know.
Running his hand over his beard, Sisko nodded with a short sigh. "According to Starfleet Intelligence, Telac's plans had originally been approved by the government, who considered it an opportunity to gain greater influence in that sector of the Gamma Quadrant in the first place. When Telac's intentions were exposed, the government couldn't risk getting involved, making it seem as if a mad scientist had acted on his own."
"What about Dr. Bashir's shuttle? Why had he been shot at while he was crossing the gravitational belt of the planet? The Felani must have known that attacking a Starfleet shuttle would most likely be considered an aggressive act towards the Federation. They should have realized that a Starfleet shuttle wouldn't go missing without anyone noticing and investigating…" Lieutenant Dax knit her brow.
"Well, it's only guesswork, but with their own technology unable to compete with other space-traveling cultures, the Felani must have known that they still lacked the capability to carry out Telac's plan. Their ships are too small, not very fast – not suited for long-distance travel. They must have also known that other cultures with different technology would be able to hide their intentions long enough to place the bomb in the wormhole – and that included Starfleet."
"So Julian was just in the wrong place at the wrong time," Kira concluded with a short, resigned sigh. She looked tense, obviously only slowly grasping the full meaning of the political game Sisko, Dax, O'Brien and Bashir had been a token in.
"That's one way to put it." The captain's face remained somber. "When Dr. Bashir came into range of the planetary defense system, the Felani took their unique chance of obtaining Starfleet technology. Alas, in the course of their attack, Dr. Bashir had obviously lost control of the runabout. Once it reached the surface, it crashed in a swampy area – perhaps even saving his life as the hull was not smashed by the impact on the dampening ground. However, all the data we received from the central authority revealed that there isn't much left of the runabout, its main computer systems almost completely useless, most of the data irreversibly lost. That just left them Dr. Bashir…" Sisko trailed off, watching each member of his crew in turn.
"Three months is a long time," Odo snorted finally. "How is he?"
It was the very question everyone in the room was interested in, though only Dax and O'Brien had seen and spoken to Bashir so far. Even though everyone had read the official mission report and was thus informed about everything that had occurred since Sisko had so suddenly left the station, nothing had been said about Dr. Bashir's condition, except for the fact that the station's CMO would be relieved of duty for an unknown period of time. So, everyone was more than anxious for some news.
"Physically well, though I would suggest from all that I saw that he's mentally unstable," Dax offered matter-of-factly, not letting her actual feelings show.
"He's in his quarters now. I thought it wouldn't be a good idea to keep him in the infirmary too long, since he's almost completely recovered. And I'm sure familiar surroundings will do him good…" she added as an afterthought.
Odo nodded. Kira seemed a little withdrawn and pensive and Chief O'Brien had an air about him as if he was anything but happy about the outcome of their rescue mission to the Gamma Quadrant. When Worf offered a short nod, too, the captain continued.
"Good, we'll meet again when Starfleet sends word about what precisely will happen with Telac and the central authority, once our man is found. In the meantime: Just get a little bit of rest yourselves. The last few days have been quite exhausting. Dismissed."
When everyone had left – even though Kira had to almost literally drag Chief O'Brien out of the room, who had already been about to start drilling the young Trill with questions about Julian all over again – Dax stepped to the captain's side, following his gaze towards the many pinprick-seized stars outside the viewport. Both hands clasped behind her back, she let a few seconds elapse before she finally spoke in a quiet voice.
"You should go and talk to him, Benjamin." Her expression tensed as she turned to face her friend.
Benjamin seemed to consider her words for a brief moment, then inhaled deeply.
"I know, Old Man. It's just that I can't even imagine what our conversation would be like…" Sisko answered, running his hand once more over his short beard. "You know, I just want to wait until he's settled in a bit. Three months is indeed a long time. I don't want to overwhelm him with all these new impressions. He needs time to adjust. I don't want to push him – not in his present condition anyway."
After a short pause, he reluctantly added, this time sincerely worried: "How is he?"
The young Trill shook her head. He could see the sadness in her blue eyes as her brow furrowed with worry. "After all I experienced down on Felan III when we found him and what Chief O'Brien told me about his conversation with Julian in the sickbay of Defiant, we should keep our expectations to a minimum. He's completely down. O'Brien told me he had been almost too quiet. It's so very different from what he was when John and I found him in Telac's lab. It's like he's given up at length. It's… scary…"
Taking a deep breath, Sisko squared his shoulders. He didn't like what this was leading to, but still, he had to say it aloud. "He's ready to die. That's why he's so unnaturally calm…"
He could see Dax' bewilderment – and concern at his words but quickly held up one hand to reassure her. "I've already scheduled daily sessions with Counselor Telnorri. Let's wait for his professional assessment of the situation. Perhaps it's just transitional. Julian isn't one for giving up that easily…"
The young Trill nodded, then gently squeezed Sisko's upper arm, offering a weak smile. "Get some rest yourself, Benjamin. It's been quite stressful days…"
Sisko didn't turn to face her but kept staring straight ahead instead. "I will…. I promise, I will…"
Julian paused, watching his tired reflection for a moment in the small mirror above the sink. Pale, worn features were staring back at him, making him wonder if his inner exhaustion was as obvious to others as it felt from within. Finally tearing his gaze away, he grabbed a fresh towel and hastily began to dry himself. He was shivering, eager to finish drying off as quickly as possible and dress again. The fine hairs on his neck and arms were already bristling – most likely due to the unnatural cold hanging like a paralyzing veil in the air. He quickly slipped into dark trousers and a blue shirt, when his thoughts were suddenly drawn back to reality.
"You're ok, Dr. Bashir?" a low male voice came from the other room.
Wincing, he recalled that he wasn't alone…
"I'm almost finished," he replied dryly, not hurrying in the least to make his way back to the other room.
Julian cast a wistful look towards the shower, wondering if he could just have another one. He felt so cold and tired. The feeling of warm water running down his skin had been so comforting and calming, making him almost feel at home again.
Almost.
Suddenly nauseated, he turned his gaze away and pulled up the zipper of his jacket, put on socks and shoes. He was still shivering, even with the thick layers of clothes and the room temperature set higher than usual, though he tried to hide it when he finally left the bathroom for the adjacent living room.
As he had expected, the tall, grim-looking security guard was still standing there, next to the door, offering a slight nod when he saw Bashir come back. Lieutenant Sharun was a young, burly man, only recently assigned to the station. Julian dimly recalled him having been assigned to the U.S.S. Kelaran before his arrival on DS9 some months ago. They had only met once, shortly after Sharun's first week on the station, but Bashir had been too busy with the preparations for the medical conference on Altaran to remember the young man more than just from a brief sight. Wondering if Sharun had already made new friends and settled in, Julian suddenly felt his throat constrict painfully.
He could tell from Sharun's awkward posture that the young security guard wasn't comfortable with intruding on Bashir's privacy, either. However, to his credit, he didn't say anything, keeping his eyes fixed on the opposite wall and giving Julian at least enough privacy to not feel overly watched.
If he was being honest with himself, Julian didn't really care.
Even if Dax or O'Brien, Kira or Odo had someone watching over him, it didn't change anything. If they wanted him alive – good, he would obey, but they wouldn't be able to keep their eyes on him forever. They couldn't live his whole live for him. Sooner or later, they would abandon him again…
He slowly walked over to the cabinet and found the PADDs where he had left them, grabbing some at random. So they hadn't emptied his quarters during his absence. Julian wasn't sure if he should feel glad or indescribably sad about it. In fact, he barely felt anything at all as he numbly stared at the blank devices in his hand, unsure what to do with them. He tried to ignore the upwelling emotions and took a short, deep breath before slowly closing the drawer.
He dropped onto the couch in front of the huge viewports and pushed away the cushions to lean back. There wasn't much to do anyway; he could as well pass some time with reading. It had been a strong, almost life-dependent need that had driven him to stumble yet again into the shower, to wash it all away, to get rid of the filth and dirt of the past months.
But it was pure boredom now that drove him to retrieve those long-forgotten PADDs from the drawer, even if he didn't actually feel like reading at all.
Julian tapped the first one, making bright green letters appear on its display. It all seemed so familiar, but yet so far away. Like something out of another lifetime.
Neuromuscular germ cell combination.
He had worked on that particular issue before his trip to the Gamma Quadrant. Before – he hadn't come back from the conference…
He quickly switched it off. It took him some seconds to overcome the icy terror that struck him at the mere thought of what he still struggled so desperately to forget. Ignoring and forgetting was everything that kept him running, the only way to keep guilt and horror down to a somewhat bearable level. He didn't know how he could ever go on from now, how he could ever again see into the faces of those he once had considered his friends. In the end, he wouldn't need to. There wasn't anything left he could come back to, was there?
Julian absently set the once again black PADD aside and started flicking through the others. Wincing, he realized that they were all medical ones, dealing with topics he once had been interested in. No, he scolded himself, topics Dr. Julian Bashir had been interested in. He wasn't a doctor any more. He was relieved of duty, most likely for an indefinite period of time. And he also knew he would never return to being a healer, for he had betrayed everything this profession stood for.
Shoving the PADDs to the far side of the small table, Julian eased himself onto the couch again. He lay down the length of it and curled up on the soft mattress. If he just wasn't so tired. He was so utterly tired and exhausted but still sleep wouldn't come. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and tried not to think, not to relive the horrors he had gone through.
His meandering thoughts didn't have time to dredge up further details, though, when the soft sound of the door chime brought him back to the here-and-now.
Someone was outside. Probably to see or talk to him. Julian watched passively when Lieutenant Sharun turned to open, not even asking him if he wanted to see anybody. Julian was used to it, though. No one ever asked for his opinion. He was nothing more than a puppet, first of Telac and now of his friends.
Closing his tired eyes, he heard the door hiss open, heard muffled footsteps and hushed voices, speaking so low he couldn't make out their words – speaking about him. He didn't care. Laying his head on the back of his hand, he could still pretend to be asleep. Perhaps they would leave him alone…
"Julian?"
He hated that name, the way people spoke it, the very way they used it… Reluctantly he opened his eyes. A tall figure stood against the bright light of the corridor that spilled in from outside. He didn't even have to see it clearly to know who it was – though the awareness didn't make it any easier. He didn't want to see anybody. And he didn't want to talk to anybody. If they just left him alone…
"How are you?" John gently asked as he entered Julian's quarters without being asked to and slowly came over to the small couch and its table. He didn't wait for Julian's invitation as he settled himself into one of the two vacant chairs. Behind him the door whooshed closed.
Once again, Julian was trapped…
"Fine," was all Bashir could muster as he wearily forced himself to sit up. His eyes didn't meet John's. Instead, he kept his stare fixed on the opposite door where Lt. Sharun was still standing, hands clasped behind his back, most likely overhearing every word both of them spoke.
"Julian, it's ok. You're talking to me," the young engineer reassured gently. "You don't have to lie and I won't tell anybody if you don't want me to. Remember, I'm your friend."
"I'm fine," Bashir answered once more, running a hand over his face and gently rubbing his temples. With his face so expressionless it was hard to tell what he was really feeling behind his insincere mask of indifference, though it was more than obvious that the recent events still weighed heavily on him – perhaps even more than anyone would have suggested only hours ago.
He was lying.
He seemed so tired and worn out that John wondered if Julian had actually slept the night before. It had been more than two days since the Defiant had made it back to the station. More than a day that he had been released from the Infirmary and assigned to his quarters though both Captain Sisko as well as Counselor Telnorri insisted that he was constantly being watched over. Swiftly squinting at the burly young security man who was still standing next to the door, John took in a deep, deliberate breath and wondered how much Julian was actually disturbed by the constant surveillance.
However, it was only a logical consequence. After all they had seen, Julian wasn't coping well with his recently regained memory. Not keeping a watchful eye on him might prove disastrous.
Despite how much it hurt to see him treated like this, John knew that it was the best thing they could do for him at present. Even though he had been rescued from Telac's captivity and brought home, and had received all the medical care he needed, Julian was far from being back to normal. John didn't know what kind of person Julian had been before his involuntary stay in Velurin. If his passionate, easygoing nature during their "normal life" in Velurin had been what once had qualified the original Dr. Julian Bashir. But even compared to the man he had come to know as his friend, with whom he had shared the better part of the worst times under Telac's influence, the young man sitting now in front of him, was merely a shadow of his former self.
He could barely recognize his friend any more. John could still see it in Julian's pained and eyes, could tell it from how he carried himself in front of others. Even now, Julian was silently suffering, pretending that everything was alright when it was not…
When Julian didn't offer any further conversation and continued to stare silently at the floor, John tried again.
"Lieutenant Dax asked me to accompany you to your meeting with Counselor Telnorri."
He could see Bashir flinch at the mention of the counselor, though he didn't show any other reaction. It was as if he thought that ignoring John would finally make him leave…
John leaned forward and sighed. He somehow managed to resist the urge to touch his friend for comfort.
"Julian, you're back home," he tried, almost pleading, not knowing how to work the miracle that was necessary to get his friend back; a miracle they all were yearning for so desperately. "This is where you always wanted to be. And now you're back. Your friends, your captain, they found you and brought you home. I know things have changed since then, but it's still where you belong."
Slowly shaking his head, Bashir's voice was barely audible when he finally spoke. "This here isn't home. Home is somewhere you feel at ease, somewhere you can come back to, a place where you belong, a place of warmth and security." His voice almost broke. "I don't want to be here…"
John gently reached out for his shoulder, his expression suddenly sad and melancholic. "You used to be. Even when you first came to Velurin, in Telac's captivity, it was home – the desire to get back home – that kept you alive. You always wanted to return here, you kept opposing Telac, clinging to the faith that your friends would come for you. And finally they did. And they brought you home. Do you really want to throw that away?"
"Wasn't my choice," Julian choked out. "That was before…"
He didn't finish the sentence, though John could see him stiffen at the thought of the moment when all his past life had irreparably shattered into hundreds of thousands of pieces. And John couldn't even blame him. Julian had shut down every smallest thought about his past life – about his friends, about who he really was – in a last desperate attempt to save his battered mind from insanity. And not without reason. Having suppressed Telac's cruel and inhuman torture, the humiliation of having been broken and the crushing guilt of having committed murder, Julian had still been able to lead a normal life during those last three months, employed by the central authority of Velurin.
But now those devastating, long suppressed memories had been pulled to the surface again, drowning him yet again in the icy floods of despair. And Julian obviously couldn't see any way out of it. Too overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and shame, his mind obviously still struggled to overcome the horror he had gone through, reliving again and again the decisive moment of his ordeal; the moment when Telac had voiced the order that should ultimately destroy Julian's life…
No, Julian was not himself, his present condition at best comparable to some sort of emotional shock. Contrary to what Dax had suggested some time ago, he wasn't on the mend. He was slipping away from them.
He knew what Julian intended to do. What he had intended to do ever since Telac had made him remember – and John was ready to prevent him from any further harm, whether inflicted by Telac, his friends or Julian himself.
With a short sigh, John rose from the chair and glanced at the small replicator across the room.
"Lieutenant Dax told me your appointment is in about half an hour. What… about lunch? I guess you haven't had anything yet?"
Julian shook his head, his voice devoid of emotion. "I'm not hungry."
"Thought you'd say that…" the young engineer mumbled under his breath but went there all the same, swiftly ordering a cup of steaming Kelanar. He waited until the sparkling faded, and the molecules had coalesced into shape, before he gingerly reached out for the hot, steaming cup.
When he came back, he didn't bother to sit down but kept standing, intently taking in Julian's surroundings. It was the first time he actually got a more accurate idea of his friend's past life, though he quickly directed his gaze back at Bashir. He didn't want to intrude into the young man's privacy. Instead, he tried once more to engage Julian in conversation.
"I never thought space stations can be so big", he said with a slight chuckle. "I didn't have much to do those last two days so Major Kira offered me a tour around the station, showed everything to me. I'm not sure if living in such a dark and bulky container would be the right thing for me, but at least your comrades seem to be quite nice."
Bashir didn't respond, though he seemed to tense at the mention of his former friends.
"You know, we visited that bar yesterday. Run by the Ferengi. Not bad, I have to admit", John smiled again. "What about stopping by before your appointment with the counselor. We could have a short drink – or two?"
Julian let out a weak sigh. "I don't feel like going to Quark's." After a short silence, he added in a barely audible voice: "Can't you just leave me alone?"
It sounded more like a helpless plea than a real request, making John feel all again guilty and intruding. He just wanted to help…
Attempting to change the topic and fill the remaining twenty minutes until Julian's meeting with the station's counselor, he glanced around until his eyes landed on a plain wooden picture frame. Absently he reached out for the light-colored, old-fashioned thing.
"Your brother?"
Julian cocked his head in surprise, his brow furrowing in confusion until he spotted the picture John was holding and studying intently.
"No, one of my friends at the Academy," Julian said simply, not particularly enthusiastic about the conversation. His voice was still perfectly controlled.
Nodding to himself, John put the frame cautiously back onto the shelf. With a sad smile crossing his lips, he shook his head before refocusing his attention on Julian.
Julian remained seated in the same spot where John had found him when entering his quarters. In fact, Julian's reaction to John's visit had been quite sobering, making the young engineer wonder, if he could make it through the walls Julian had obviously build around him.
"He had a certain resemblance to you about him. I just thought you were related", John tried once again, taking another sip of his beverage.
"I've no siblings. I'm an only-child," Bashir retorted matter-of-factly.
After a short but intent silence, John spoke up again. When he did, a hint of sadness once again crossed his handsome features and his eyes took on a wistful, faraway look.
"You know, I had a sister," he started reluctantly. "Her name was Elena."
Julian didn't say anything, but kept watching the blond engineer, clearly more engaged in what he had to say than in their earlier conversation
John shook his head slighlty. "I… don't know what happened to her. She was thirteen the last time I saw her. That was about two years ago. It's the reason why I was working for Telac. You know, Elena was my half-sister. When we arrived at Velurin some years ago, it was paradise at first. But then she suddenly disappeared without a trace – though I was unmistakably told who was behind it."
"Telac?"
John nodded. "He had me do everything he wanted. If I didn't, he'd hurt her. At least he told me so. That's why I stayed, endured Telac's moods and treatment. But the truth is, I never saw her again. She just vanished. I haven't given up hope that perhaps I'll find her one day, that the last few years weren't in vain…"
He shook his head. The memory still hurt. "I think it was hope that helped me persevere. You need hope in your life, that's what keeps you going. Hope that everything will get better, hope that difficult times won't last forever…"
When Julian didn't answer, the young engineer cast a quick look at the chronometer and involuntarily winced. He placed the mug on the table and sighed.
"I think we ought to go."
Julian tensed.
He didn't want to go. He didn't want to leave his quarters. Even though he knew that he couldn't stay here forever, he had somehow avoided the thought of having to go into the outside world for the last two days. John's words came as an unexpected blow, taking Julian's breath. He felt his pulse quicken to an almost unbearable pace.
He was safe here. Nothing could protect him from being hurt if he left…
But still he knew that it was impossible. He knew he had to keep the appointment with Counselor Telnorri. His former crewmates wouldn't appreciate it if he didn't, and the last thing he wanted was to upset them. As long as he followed their rules – as long as he did what they wanted – they wouldn't bother him. Julian struggled to regain control of his emotions, pushing aside every distracting, anxious thought as he reluctantly stood up.
He caught up with John but hesitated when the door in front of him suddenly whooshed open, revealing the brightly lit corridor behind – as well as some young Bajoran officers, walking together and chattering cheerfully as they made their way past the two of them. Julian instinctively halted just inside the threshold, his eyes narrowing slightly as he waited for the others to pass.
Noticing Julian's hesitation, John moved back to his side, reaching out gently for the young doctor's arm in a gesture of reassurance.
However, before John could touch him, Julian jerked abruptly back, an expression of sudden but fast-suppressed panic crossing his pale features.
"I… I can walk by myself. I don't need your help," he managed awkwardly, backing up another subtle step.
Nodding, John held up both hands in what seemed meant to be a reassuring gesture. "Ok, Julian, then let's go."
Julian tried hard to overcome the paralyzing panic that had gripped him the very moment John had tried to seize his arm. No, he scolded himself, not seize. He forced himself to step over the threshold. He just wants to reassure me. He just wants to help…
But no matter how much he knew that John never intended to harm or threaten him in any way, Julian just couldn't fight the feeling. He didn't want to be touched. Neither by any medical personal nor by anybody else. And that included John. He never wanted to be touched by anyone ever again…
Making his way through the almost empty corridors of the station's habitat ring, he couldn't help but wonder if things had always been so dark, bulky and - frightening. The walls, the ceiling, even the floor. Somehow the thought had never crossed his mind before but in this very moment he couldn't remember the reason that had held him captivated in this bleak, gray, dark metal cave for all those years. He should have known from the start. Ugly things foreboded an ugly future. He should have learnt that lesson well enough so many times in the past but still he wouldn't have listened. Seeking new adventures, new challenges – damn, he had been so naive…
As they rounded another corner, one of Odo's security men came towards them, greeting them as he passed them. John politely reciprocated, whereas Julian was too absorbed in his own thoughts than to even notice. Continuing to follow John, he unconsciously walked a step behind, his heart still pounding painfully in his chest.
Like the first time I'd been led there...
The thought struck him like a bolt of lightning. Feeling his stomach turn at the memory, he involuntarily quickened his steps. Better to get it over with as quickly as possible.
When they reached the turbolift that would carry them to the second level, Julian hesitated for a moment, then stepped in after John. He kept his eyes fixed on the door until it shut and the lift lurched downwards, making Julian abruptly grab for the railings as a sudden wave of nausea threatened to make his legs give way.
"Are you alright?" John asked, eying him with alarm and reaching out to support him.
"I'm…I'm fine", Julian quickly lied, straightening up as he tried to get his heartbeat back under control.
"You're not Julian. What's wrong?", the young engineer insisted, his brows furrowing as he turned his full attention to the startled young man in front of him. He knew that something was wrong with Julian.
The young man didn't react, then finally shook his head dismissively. It was hard not to notice that he couldn't bring himself to say a single word, even if he wanted to.
Julian was desperately trying to convince himself that he wasn't going back. He was on DS9, in one of its turbolifts, heading for the second level. He wasn't going back. He never would be again…
"It's nothing… really," he somehow managed, turning towards the door and ignoring John's worried expression. He prayed it wouldn't take much longer to reach the second level.
The sudden arrival at their destination spared the young man more explanations. He almost jumped from the lift and into the corridor - thought only a split second later he realized that he had gotten out of the frying pan and into the freezer. Stumbling a few steps ahead, driven by his own momentum, he froze where he came to a halt. Nothing could have prepared him for the surge of nausea that washed over him the moment he saw him.
Sisko.
The towering figure of his former captain was standing only a few meters in front of him, just as taken aback by the encounter as Julian – Lieutenant Dax was standing next to him. They had been chatting and obviously interrupted their conversation the moment the young doctor had rushed out of the turbolift.
Julian felt thunderstruck, his eyes widening with disbelief.
Sisko. God, anybody but Sisko!
And from one moment to the next, he was back again. It was as if nothing that had happened afterwards was of any real importance - neither his rescue, nor the time he had spent on the Defiant, least of all that he was home. From one moment to the other he was there again. In the cellar. Telac next to him, hissing words so poisonous and devastating. Julian's own shaky hands clutching the weapon that would ultimately destroy not only the captain's but also his own life. His captain's eyes, begging him to stop the cruel and coldblooded deed he was about to commit. And yet again he was powerless. Yet again he was reminded of how fragile his life was, of how powerless he was.
Staring in pure bewilderment at the man he once had looked up to, the man he had so consciously deprived of life, Julian's mouth worked, but the words were stuck in his throat.
Locking his eyes with the captain's – even for the tiny moment it was – made yet another hesitantly rebuilt world shatter into millions of pieces, driving Julian to the verge of panic.
"…no…", he managed in a hoarse whisper. He just wanted it to stop. If he could just lose them again. If he could just lose those memories again. But he knew that the nightmare would never come to an end. Not for him.
"Julian…" Sisko held both hands up in a calming gesture. He came slowly nearer – and it was the decisive action that catapulted Julian finally out of his stupor.
Everything within him was urging him to run. He couldn't look into Sisko's face, he couldn't look into that of Dax. He had once betrayed them, and he would never be able to go back.
He didn't want them to come any closer. The air around him was so thick, he was barely able to breathe. With a last desperate look, he noticed that John was reaching out for him – and jerked violently back, almost tripping over his own feet as he frantically tried to keep his balance. Without another word he turned his back on them – and broke into a desperate run.
"When do you think the Rio Grande's upgrades will be finished?" Sisko asked matter-of-factly as they made their way toward shuttle bay four. They'd been back for only a few days, but life had already returned to normal. There was work to do, reports to be written, orders to be given. There was a backlog of work on his desk, waiting for his attention. It was almost as if they had never really been gone in the first place.
However, he knew better than to complain. Wasn't it just a few days ago that he had been yearning for his usual, everyday life back on the station? No, he wouldn't complain about a little bit of paperwork now, no matter how boring or tiring it might be. He had been given a second chance – and he was resolute to take it.
"The shuttle's maintaining report says they need just a few couple of hours more. The Rio Grande should be back in use within the day."
Sisko nodded. "Good to hear."
Dax returned the genuine smile of relief, then directed her gaze back down the long corridor as she kept walking next to him, hands clasped behind her back.
"Have I mentioned that it's good to be back home?" Sisko said, again with a half-smile and a somewhat dreamy expression.
The young Trill chuckled. "I'll remind you the next time you start throwing PADDs across the room."
Sisko abruptly stopped, not sure how to take Jadzia's last statement. "You spied."
Shaking her head and trying to suppress a smile, she turned to face him. "The door of your office is transparent."
"It…" Benjamin shrugged in defiance, "… was just one time. And I was really furious then."
"And the other time, you shouted at Admiral LeGrand?" The young woman asked with an arched brow.
Resuming walking, Sisko shrugged. "At least I didn't throw things…"
"If you say so…"
They rounded the corner in the direction of the docking ring when Jadzia's expression became once again serious – as always when she was about to dredge up some unpleasant details of her previous hosts' memories.
"To the best of my recollection, your impulsiveness had always bothered Curzon. He never…"
She abruptly lapsed into silence when she almost bumped into Benjamin, who had stopped in mid-stride without warning. Moving next to him, her eyes widened when she saw the young man dashing out of the turbolift only a few meters in front of them. Stumbling, he came to a halt – and their eyes met.
Julian.
He looked distracted, a bit confused until his mind seemed to catch up with the new situation. It was the same reaction she had once witnessed down in the tunnels of Velurin, when they had found him in the storage room. All color drained from the young man's face when he stood in front of them, rooted to the spot.
And only a moment later John left the lift behind Julian, obviously as stunned about Julian's sudden reaction as everybody else. They were on their way to Counselor Telnorri…. She had asked John to accompany his friend, because she hadn't wanted to overwhelm Julian with all the new impressions. She had thought that perhaps it would be easier for the young doctor if there was someone familiar there for him…
Julian seemed to get so stiff that he was barely breathing anymore. Staring at Sisko and her in paralysis, the young man was obviously on the verge of panic.
God, no, not now… It was exactly the thing she had been trying to avoid ever since she had learnt of Julian's trauma. She knew what a horrifying shock it had to be for the young man to come face to face with his captain so suddenly after all that happened – and obviously Benjamin did, too, for he slowly raised both hands in a somewhat calming gesture.
"Julian…." He began, cautiously nearing the startled young man, when Julian suddenly seemed to overcome his initial shock. Jerking abruptly back from John, he tried hard not to fall over. The look in his eyes was enough to make all alarm bells ring in Jadzia's mind.
And without another word, he spun around and broke yet again into a run.
"Julian!"
He didn't react to Sisko's call, nor did he look back over his shoulder even once – until he was gone around the corner.
"Damn!"
Sisko was already about to set off behind Bashir, when Jadzia suddenly grabbed his arm, holding him back. She shook her head.
"I'll see to him," John said before he hurried to follow Julian, leaving the two Starfleet officers alone in the middle of the corridor.
Sisko's voice was barely above a whisper when he spoke up after a long, stifling silence.
"He'll never get over it..."
He wasn't happy about the fact. If they had just found him earlier... If they had just been able to prevent Telac from subjecting Julian to his cruel torture. Sisko shook his head and tried to focus. They hadn't. And that alone was of any importance right now.
Feeling a warm, reassuring hand on his shoulder, he turned to see the young Trill's gentle, sympathetic face. She knew how he was feeling, and she was as much worried about Julian as he was.
"He won't…until you help him."
Confused, he couldn't quite follow her.
"He's dreading me, Old Man. He's panicking the very moment he thinks I'm getting any closer to him." Voicing aloud the thoughts that had kept nagging at him was, in some way, a relief – though they didn't hurt any less. Julian being afraid of his own captain – of him – was indeed a startling, saddening thought. Benjamin still could recall a time when everything Julian had wanted to do was impress his commanding officer. He had seen him as some sort of mentor, as an ideal Starfleet officer. Seeing the young man now so terrified by his mere presence that he was actually more willing to hurt himself than to face his horror was more than scary… It was as if Telac had not only inflicted wounds on Julian but also indirectly on everyone who had once been close to the young man.
"He's traumatized, Benjamin. It's not his choice, after all. You should talk to him. I guess there's a lot to work out between you two…"
Staring down the corridor, in the same direction Julian had vanished only moments before, he knew that she was right. They had to do something.
"If we wait too long…" Jazida said solemnly.
"…it might be too late." Sisko nodded, straightening his uniform as he squared his shoulders.
"It's not that he doesn't want to be back home," the young Trill said. "He does. I can see it every time he looks at me, at anything that reminds him of his old life. But he's also afraid that he won't fit in any longer. And there's you…"
"So he runs away. Even if it means death." Sisko's voice carried a slight tint of disappointment.
"You shouldn't blame him, Benjamin. Running away is the only thing that's kept him alive so far…"
Sisko shook his head. "I don't blame him, Old Man. And I would never even dare. But it's just that it's not like Julian. Not like our Julian, the man we used to know. The old Julian Bashir would never run away from his problems. He'd stand his ground and face them, no matter how difficult. It's just not like Julian to act as distraught and unpredictable as he does now."
Dax squeezed his shoulder and offered a weak smile. "He is the old Julian. His passion and sense of justice, his naivete, they're still there." Her smile suddenly disappeared, and she lowered her gaze. "It's because they're still there that he almost collapses under the pressure right now. It's because of his sense of justice that he can't cope with his world – his entire life – having been turned against him."
He looked at her, mulling over her words. It made sense. If he had played such an important role in Julian's ordeal – perhaps that meant he was able to bring him a step further back to his old life – towards life, anyway. Perhaps he was able to change things. If not he, who else?
"You're right. The sooner we get it over with, the better."
Julian was sitting on the couch, both knees drawn to his chest, his arms hugging them tightly. His breaths came still ragged and choppy but at least the rushing blood in his ears had subsided to a somewhat bearable level, making it possible for him to actually hear things again for the first time…
One thing was John's worried but muffled voice drifting through the closed door, though Julian tried to ignore it the best he could. At least John didn't have access to his quarters. He didn't have any security code to override the door lock… That still left him a few minutes before security would come rushing in, alarmed by either the young engineer or Sisko and Dax. To his luck, Lieutenant Sharun hadn't been there when he had so unexpectedly come back – that just left John outside, shouting in distress and begging Julian to open the door. Every wild knock on the door made the young doctor's heart tighten further.
It was too much for Julian.
Grabbing one of the cushions at random, he frantically threw it at the door.
He wanted to scream, to shout at them to leave him alone, to shout at them that he didn't need any of their intrusions, that he never wanted to see any of them again. He wanted to shout at Telac, to hurt that bastard as deeply as he had hurt him. He wanted to yell at Sisko and Dax that they should leave him alone. He wanted to burst into tears, to break down and cry as he had never cried before.
But still, it was impossible; the terror of having met Sisko kept his mind and body in its icy grip. He couldn't move, couldn't let go of the feelings that he had kept keyed up inside his heart ever since his will had been so easily broken. It was impossible to voice his thoughts, more so to vent his anger and hatred – because deep down in his heart he knew that the anger was misplaced. It was he, and only he, who had once made the wrong decision. He had not been able to stop a crisis from developing. He had to be held accountable for everything that had happened afterward…
More than ever, he wanted to end it. Even if it meant ending his very life.
When the door chime resounded yet again from the dark walls of his quarters, he didn't care to answer. Still not moving, his body tensed, though he knew in the same instant that he was absolutely helpless if anybody decided to override the security code and come in.
He was helpless… again…
Julian no longer heard John's irritated voice – but commands being input into the tiny device controlling access to his quarters.
When the door suddenly whooshed open, revealing the towering figure behind it, Julian held his breath, wishing desperately to die.
Sisko.
Julian sat up at once, not taking his eyes off the man whose shadow now filled the doorway. Every muscle, every fiber of his trembling body urged him to run away, but his legs just wouldn't obey. He couldn't move. Panting heavily, Julian was on the verge of panicking again.
And then Sisko came closer, driving Bashir to jump up in an instant and stumble behind one of the chairs next to the couch. At least he had something between them. Something to protect him from the phantom of his worst nightmare. Never missing a single movement the captain made, Bashir watched him like a rabbit in front of a snake.
"Julian, we need to talk."
Sisko stopped some meters away, obviously aware that his mere presence was almost driving the young man insane.
"No," Bashir yelled uncontrollably.
Sisko continued steadily: "I know what happened, Julian." His voice was gentle and understanding, even carrying a slight hint of sadness. "I know why you keep avoiding me, why you ran away in the corridor. I know what Telac did to you, how he abused you for his own plans and I'm also aware of what you're planning to do. We need to talk."
Shaking his head in short, staccato movements, Julian finally found enough courage to speak up. His voice was nothing more than a hoarse whisper, but it carried so much hatred that it surprised even himself. "You don't know anything, Captain. You were never there. You don't know what happened. No one does. You can't tell me you understand. Because you don't."
"You're right, I wasn't there. I never went through what you did; but I know what I saw and I won't let Telac destroy the man we spent over three months searching for. We never gave up hope of finding you alive, Julian. And we did. We brought you back home. I don't want to lose you now – I don't want to give up on you – because of what Telac did to you."
"He didn't do anything!" Julian almost shouted, incredulous at what he heard from Sisko. It was ludicrous. Sisko, so apparently concerned for his well-being, after everything that had happened. After all Julian had done to them. Why couldn't he see? Why couldn't any of them see? "It was me! I did it!"
Bashir's shoulders shook with hot fury, his face a grimace of pure hatred.
"That's not true, and you know it! You didn't do anything, Julian. You never even had a choice because you were never given one. Telac forced you to aid his plans. He tortured you, Julian; no one would ever expect you to withstand what he did to you. You didn't have any choice. Agreeing to help Telac was the only way for you to survive."
"That's not it!" The young man backed up another step, shaking violently. Sisko couldn't recall a time when Bashir had ever been so furious before. Dax had been right; seeing the once so rational Bashir like this was more than scary…
"That's not the point! I killed you! Telac told me to murder my commanding officer, and I did it! It's perverse! No sentient being would have killed an innocent man!" The words sputtered out of his mouth before Bashir was actually aware of what he was saying. But it was exactly how he felt inside.
"You forget an important point, Julian," Sisko said calmly, not willing to let Bashir go on any further. He had to stop him here and now, to prevent him from destroying himself with his distorted, forced view of reality. He knew from his conversations with O'Brien and John that the young man hadn't told the whole story, what had really happened in Telac's captivity – or at least was ignoring an essential part of it.
"You blame yourself for having murdered me – even if it wasn't real –…"
"It was real! For me it was damn real and if it had happened in reality, I would have done the same!" Julian interrupted, barely able to keep himself under control. He tried to fight his emotions down – but the flood of despair and self-loathing was overwhelming.
"…but do you remember why you obeyed the order?" Sisko finished the sentence.
Julian just shook his head incredulously, his shoulders still trembling with barely subdued rage. Lost for words in the face of such ignorance, he couldn't answer.
"Was it because Telac tortured you? Because you couldn't endure the torment and pain any longer?"
Bashir slowly shook his head in pure contempt, attempting to pull himself together. He still couldn't bring forth a single word.
"Was it because you suddenly realized that obeying Telac's order would spare you further torture and, finally, death?"
Again, Bashir shook his head.
"Then what was it that made you obey Telac's order and kill me?" Sisko asked calmly, not intending to reproach Julian for what he had done, though speaking about his own death felt fairly odd.
The young man didn't move as he cast his gaze toward the floor, clearly showing Sisko that he had finally made it through to Julian. He stood still motionless at some distance – though his temper seemed to have cooled remarkably.
"He would have killed other people," the young man whispered hoarsely under his breath, his face contorted with pain as if he were still in that room with Telac. Sisko almost thought Bashir would leave it at that until he finally continued: "He would have killed other innocent people until I finally obeyed his wishes..." Bashir's voice nearly broke.
Suppressing the urge to near Julian any more, Sisko let out a long, sad sigh. "So you did it because you didn't want other people to die?" he asked gently.
Bashir didn't answer, but Sisko knew that he was right.
"You killed one man, you destroyed one life to save so many others. You sacrificed my life in order to prevent further murder," the captain stated, not taking his eyes off Julian, who had become ever more withdrawn and silent during the exchange.
"It was the only thing I could do," Bashir finally managed, barely audible, not facing the captain as he awkwardly wiped at the tears that had come filling his eyes ever since Sisko had made him recall events he had long ago tried to forget.
"You didn't do anything wrong, Julian. Not in every situation there's a right or wrong. You did your best to save as many lives as you could. You're a doctor, Julian, you sought to keep the damage to a minimum, you did the only thing that prevented further harm."
"I'm sorry," Bashir managed, wiping his eyes again with his sleeve, "but that's just one way to look at it. The other is that I'm a monster, a sentient being capable of murdering in cold blood. I never thought I could do something like that. I'm a monster; that's the truth you're trying to hide, Captain. You don't even seem to understand what I was saying."
He suddenly looked up, facing the captain with eyes filled with desperate tears, his expression so battered and hopeless that it stabbed right through Sisko's heart. "I killed you. How could I ever forget what I did? It was you I murdered. It was your life I took. And you don't even seem to care, telling me that none of it ever happened. But if it had been real, if it had really been you in that cellar – I'd have done the same. I'd have killed you; consciously, deliberately, knowing that it was your life I took."
And all of a sudden, he seemed to have lost every last ounce of strength, his gaze dropping yet again in shame towards the floor. The heated fire in his eyes vanished, leaving behind an emptiness that made Sisko involuntarily wince. It was in that instant that he knew that he was about to lose Julian forever.
Without another word, Sisko loosened the phaser from the strap on his hip, swiftly tapping the white buttons on its top. And then he offered it to Julian.
The young man flinched as Sisko approached close enough for Bashir to take the weapon. Hesitantly, the young man took it without comment, holding it loosely in one hand in front of his abdomen as if not quite sure what to do with it.
"If you really want to end it, Julian, I'll give you the chance to do it now," Sisko said in a stern voice, eliciting only a confused, anxious look from the young man.
"It's set to kill, you just have to pull the trigger."
Before Julian could respond, the captain spoke up again. "But before you kill yourself, I want you to shoot me as well."
Startled, Julian cocked his head, staring at his commanding officer in bewilderment.
"You told me you could not live with the guilt of having sacrificed the life of an innocent man. You want to bring it to an end, so shoot me, too, for neither can I."
Julian shook his head in confusion. "I…"
The captain didn't let him finish. "When Telac ordered me to give him the data he needed in order to complete his bomb for the wormhole, he also threatened to use you to make us talk. He made it clear that he would keep hurting you until I finally agreed to provide him with the data. But I couldn't give it to him. I knew that the existence of a whole species was at stake – not to mention the link between the Alpha and Gamma Quadrant. I couldn't give Telac the data, and I instructed Chief O'Brien and Lieutenant Dax not to cooperate, no matter how Telac would use you to make them talk."
Sisko's voice grew gentler. "I knew what Telac would do to you, but still, I couldn't risk letting him finish his bomb. Even if this decision meant losing you, Julian."
He could see Bashir struggling for words, his shaky hands still clutching the phaser, though Sisko was sure his words had the intended effect on the young man.
"Making this decision wasn't easy for me, Julian, but I tried to save as many lives as I could. There was no choice between good or bad, of making the right or wrong decision. If I had given Telac the data he needed, I'd have doomed the future of our quadrants, as well as the existence of the prophets. But you would have been safe. By withholding it from Telac, I saved hundreds of lives, but I had to sacrifice yours. I tried to keep the damage to a minimum, tried to save as many people as I could. I forsake you, Julian, but I have to live with that decision. Even if you're safe now, no one could have guaranteed that things would turn out this way. Sometimes we have to make decisions where every path we take means to lose – but still we have to make our choice – and live with that decision."
It was all too much for Julian.
He let the phaser drop from his hands as he stumbled numbly backwards until his back hit the wall. His legs gave way and he slid down to the ground. With his face buried in his hands, he seemed so lost to Sisko. So fragile.
"I… I can't go back," he whispered after what seemed like an eternity – and it almost sounded like a helpless plea.
Not nearing the young man, Sisko remained standing in the middle of the room.
"No, you can't," he said firmly. Then his voice grew gentle. "But you can go on."
Slowly, Julian willed himself to look up at the man he had dreaded so much. The man he had once betrayed so easily. Taking in Sisko's firm expression, he could see that Sisko was right. That Sisko had to be right. There was no way back; he would never be able to resume where he had left off… But perhaps – perhaps there was a tiny chance that he could go on, as Sisko had said. Perhaps he could try and find his place again, try to start anew, try not to make the same mistakes again… It was almost like a salvaging hand reaching out to him; Julian just had to take it.
Something deep within his heart was hesitating, telling him that it was senseless, that he was unworthy of life, that he didn't even deserve to be back home. But still, there was a small voice, urging him to take that hand, to leave the darkness, to step away from the abyss he was on the verge of losing himself in forever
And then he saw her.
She was sitting on the couch, her feet dangling towards the ground as she leaned back and watched him with silent blue eyes. Her blonde hair cascaded down her shoulders when she turned her head to face him, making him wince at the sadness he saw in her expression. She didn't move, just kept watching him – and his reaction – intently as he sat on the floor.
He knew she wasn't real – not in her current appearance, at least. But somehow, her mere presence was comforting in a certain way, reminding Julian of the day some months ago when he had almost given up. He had almost cracked under Telac's torture, but she had helped him persevere. He didn't know why she was here – he was most likely hallucinating due to the heavy mental pressure, he realized – but nevertheless, he somehow started to relax enough not to jump up and run away like he had done so many times before.
He directed his shy gaze back to Sisko, feeling the heavy, crushing weigh on his chest; and at the same time the intense longing to be back home, to be back in warmth and security. And the gentle voice in his mind made him finally make a decision.
Struggling to climb to his feet, Julian braced himself against the wall. Noticing the shadow over him he, flinched, then looked up and saw Sisko extend his hand to help him up. Julian suppressed the flutter of panic – and hesitantly took it.
However, he didn't face the captain as they stood side by side, nor did he show any sign of elation, remaining silent until Sisko finally nodded.
"So, does this mean I don't have to keep assigning security guards to your quarters anymore?"
He almost feared Bashir might change his mind at the last moment, but then the young man slowly shook his head. His voice was quiet, barely above a whisper. "No, Sir."
"I won't say that everything's going to be alright. It won't. And it will take some time getting used to. But you're not alone. You have friends and we'll try our best to help you through this."
Julian nodded, then reluctantly lifted his gaze enough to meet Sisko's eyes. "I… suppose I still have to see Counselor Telnorri…"
"I'm sorry you have. At least until he files an official report pronouncing you fit to resume your official duty."
Sisko saw the young man nod again. He didn't look very convinced yet, still too calm and passive after the sudden initial fire had died down once again. He might have brought Julian back from the brink of suicide, but there was still a long road ahead of him to normalcy. Nevertheless, Sisko was grateful for this progress. It was more than he could have hoped for… It was something they could work with.
"I'll have Dax schedule a new appointment with the Counselor then," the captain said empathically, squeezing Julian's shoulder.
When the young man didn't respond but kept looking out of the viewport, Sisko nodded to himself. Perhaps – just perhaps – they still had a chance of getting Julian back. It was a fleeting thought, but in that moment, Sisko couldn't help but cling to it. Hope. It was hope that had helped Bashir hold out long enough for them to find him. Perhaps now, hope could work yet another miracle they so desperately longed for.
"I'll go then and inform Mr. Sharun that he can report back to Odo…", Sisko continued after a pause, gently patting Bashir's shoulder before taking a deep breath and reluctantly turning to leave the quarters. He knew Julian needed to be alone…
"If you need anything, if you need someone to talk to… you know where to find me…."
Before leaving, Sisko turned once more. "It's good to have you back, Julian."
It was not until the door whooshed closed behind the captain, that Bashir finally moved. Inhaling deeply, he let himself sink to the ground, drawing both knees tightly to his chest and resting his head tiredly on top of them.
He didn't know what to think, what to believe, how to feel. He didn't know if he actually wanted to feel anything at all.
Forgiveness.
Somehow it didn't feel as one would expect. But things never turn out as imagined, did they?
…It's good to have you back, Julian…
…It's good to have you back…