- Chapter 09 -
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"I don't think it's a good idea, Benjamin."
Pacing to and fro in front of the holding cell, she absently rubbed her temples and let out a long sight. She still felt exhausted from the last few hours, the mental stress and the shock of Julian's sudden and violent outburst on the Promenade. If she just hadn't rushed things. If she had only given him enough time to adjust to the new situation outside his quarters. She felt so indescribably sorry for what had happened...
"I don't like it either, Old Man, but at the moment it's the best for all of us," Sisko shook his head. "He shouldn't be alone when he wakes up, though."
Nodding, Jadzia straightened. She cast a short glance at his sleeping figure before she turned once more toward the captain. "I'll stay."
"Are you sure you don't want any security guards in there with you?" Sisko's frown deepened.
"It's Julian, Benjamin. He won't hurt me." Somehow she felt the urge to defend the young man. He hadn't done anything wrong. She still didn't know what had prompted his sudden action in Quark's, but there had to be a reason for it.
"I hope you're right, Dax. It's just… startling to see him in such an aggressive way. I thought he was on the mend. After all we talked about, I thought that at least he was stable. Even Telnorri's reports said that he's very keyed up, perhaps still too calm, but nonetheless he's not described as violent. I just can't think of a reason that made him lose control like that."
Sisko was telling the truth. When he received word from Constable Odo telling him Bashir was held in temporary custody, he had been shocked at first. He would have never expected the young man to act in such a violent way, not after what he had seen when he had been able to convince Bashir not to commit suicide. Julian was held in custody now, not because anybody would even consider reproaching him for what he had done, but to prevent him from doing further harm to himself. Dax had told him how much Bashir had come to dislike the infirmary, so the Counselor had suggested that custody was the lesser evil in Julian's present condition. Sisko didn't really like the idea – but there wasn't actually anything he could do about the situation either. No matter how much he wanted to help Bashir, the young man was obviously carrying demons he just wasn't able to put behind him.
"I'll have Counselor Telnorri talk to him. Just keep an eye on him until we know if he's calmed down. If there's any news, let me know immediately."
Dax smiled weakly. "I'll see to that."
With another worried glance toward the cell, Sisko finally nodded, leaving the holding area and heading for Odo's office.
A moment later the force field was gone, allowing Dax to step into the cell. She winced when she heard the force field hum back to life. With a deep breath, she moved over to the pallet where Julian still lay unconscious.
He seemed so peaceful while asleep, so unlike what she had seen back in Quark's. His breaths came even and deep, his chest rising and falling ever so slightly. Gently stroking his hair, she felt tears sting in her eyes.
"I'm damn not ok. How should I be? I was shot at, captured, tortured, broken, mentally abused! I was made betray everything I believed in, I was made kill innocent people, I was made live even though I wanted to die! I'm damn not ok!"
It had been a desperate cry for help. Julian stood with his back to the wall, there wasn't much further to go. She had heard the whole story from John; how Telac had tortured Julian to help his plans, how Julian had resisted almost to death, how he had been broken by Telac all the same… She could hardly believe that a single person could suffer so much pain without losing their mind. She didn't know how Julian had managed to survive though she knew one thing for sure.
She wouldn't lose him again.
Fate had granted them another chance, had given them back their CMO and this time they would do everything not to lose him again.
Huddled in one dark corner of the room, he was waiting, his heartbeat so fast that he feared he would black out. He felt short of breath, inches away from suffocating. The air was so thick and stale, so crushing and toxic, he knew he was about to die. Knew it.
And then there was a voice. Barely audible at first, though it grew louder with every second, making him shiver with cold and fear. Still huddled up, he crouched even farther into the corner, covering his ears with his trembling hands, desperately wishing himself far away. But the voice was still there, poisonous words penetrating his mind as he desperately tried to shut it out.
"You can't hide, Julian. I know you're there…"
He almost choked, trying frantically to scramble to his feet. He didn't know where the voice came from, didn't even care. He just wanted to be safe. He didn't want to suffer any more. He didn't want more pain. Hitting something solid in the dark, he was tossed to the ground again. His eyes strained to see in the darkness.
"There's no point in running away, Julian."
The voice seemed closer now, somewhere to his right; he could even feel its breath brushing against his cheek. He involuntarily let out a cry.
Again, he hastily stumbled to his feet, fumbling with both hands in the dark.
There had to be an exit. Some sort of door. There had to be! Had to be!
"You know you can't go back, don't you?"
With a cry, Julian lashed out into the dark. "Leave me alone! Leave me alone!"
And all at once the lights went on – stabbing, blinding, merciless lights, sending a sharp pain through his unadjusted eyes that had been in the dark too long, making him throw up both arms to cover his face against the sudden brightness.
"Julian, my boy…"
He hated that voice. Hated it. Hated it!
Then his arms were gripped and painfully pushed behind his back. Letting out another cry of surprise, Julian opened his eyes – just to be violently slapped across the face. He didn't cry out this time, though.
"Let me go!"
Another slap.
"This is not real! This is damn not real!" Julian shouted. "None of this is!"
And then a familiar figure appeared in front of him.
"Isn't it, Julian?" O'Brien said. "We were worried about you. You don't seem capable of discerning dream from reality."
"Julian, Julian, I thought you were a bit tougher." Julian's heart skipped a beat when he finally saw the owner of the disembodied voice. His body filled with terrible fear.
"NO! This is not real!"
Darkness again. A cold and sweaty finger brushing over his cheek.
Julian nearly threw up.
"Let me go, let me go!" Almost crying, he stumbled forward, flailing out wildly.
And from one moment to the next, the darkness was gone and he was standing in Ops. Sisko was there, Dax, O'Brien and Kira. His mouth worked but no words would come out.
"Nice to have you back, Julian," Dax smirked, clapping her hands.
"You're assigned to warp core repairs," Sisko said coldly, thrusting a PADD at him.
Taking the PADD in surprise, Julian flinched. "What … but I …"
"Chief, make sure the warp core deflector functions flawlessly." And turning to Julian, he flashed a conciliatory smile. "We don't want any unexpected accidents, do we?"
"You should have stayed behind, Doctor, you're bringing nothing but trouble," Quark snarled.
"I…I'm not…" Julian started but was knocked off his feet as the station shook under a sudden impact.
"Four Jem'Hadar vessels have just decloaked 600 meters away from the station," Dax shouted.
He didn't even have the chance to look at the viewscreen, when Sisko already threw himself at him.
"It's your fault, Julian! You shouldn't have come back! We don't need any murderer on the station!"
A sudden jolt sent him flying backward, his back hitting the stairs that led to the captain's office.
"It's a pity, they didn't shoot your shuttle when they had the chance," Quark snarled into his ear, making Julian's vision blur with desperate tears.
"Do you see how much they want you back?"
Telac's voice again.
"You lost your place among them many months ago. You don't even deserve to be in Starfleet."
Not caring about Sisko or the others, Julian rolled to one side, curling up as he buried his head under his trembling arms.
"Stop it! Stop it!"
"You're mine, Julian. I broke you and now you're mine forever," the voice whispered relentlessly.
Not holding back the burning tears, Julian shook with torment.
"Make it stop! Make it…"
"…stop!"
Julian woke with a start, panting heavily. He sat up so quickly that he almost fell from the pallet. Hugging himself desperately, he doubled over, rocking back and forth until breathing became easier and the clouds of the nightmare started to fade away. Eyes shut against the bright light of the holding cell, the young man buried his face between his knees.
"Julian, are you alright?"
His head jerked up at the unexpected voice. Dax was coming over to him, perching on the pallet next to him.
"A nightmare?" she asked in a soft voice.
He couldn't bring forth a single word, still too shocked by what had just happened. Eyes large with fear, he nodded reluctantly, hoping she would let the topic drop. Casting a frightened glance around, he flinched.
"Where… where am I?" His still unsteady voice sounded so scared, so lost.
"We're … After what happened, Captain Sisko and I thought it best to protect you from any other harm."
Julian didn't look very convinced. She couldn't tell if he was still in shock from what he had seen in the dream or if he was once again withdrawing back into himself. His wary gaze wandered toward the flickering force field, his arms still clutched around his abdomen. She could see his shoulders tremble as his face drew yet again into a faint grimace.
"Can… I mean," he stammered, "…may I get out?"
She gently reached for his hand, though he snatched it away before she could touch him.
"I'm sorry, Julian, it's only for your best."
She almost expected another outburst like the one in Quark's, though Bashir stayed surprisingly calm.
"I see," he whispered, casting his gaze to the floor.
"We don't want to hold you in this cell forever, Julian. Just as long as it takes to make sure you're on the mend."
His shoulders hunched, he didn't face her. "I'm fine. I've been in worse situations, after all."
It scared her to hear him talk like that. And the worst thing was, he really didn't seem to care. Julian was just sitting there, leaning against the cool bulkhead, trying to get his heartbeat back under control. Eyes closed against the bright light of the holding cell, his breaths gradually came in regular intervals.
"I'm sorry for what happened in Quark's," Jadzia finally started. "I wanted to bring you back to your normal life, but I shouldn't have rushed things."
"Doesn't matter," Julian sighed at length, opening his eyes and staring at the ceiling. The once so heated emotions had entirely vanished, leaving behind only a sad emptiness in his gaze. Jadzia couldn't recall a time when she had ever seen Bashir that resigned and lost. He might not let it show in front of others – but she knew that he was badly shaken. After all he had gone through, after all that had been done to him, perhaps they had ultimately reached the point where they had finally lost him forever…
"Well, it does, Julian." She tried not to think about it any further. As long as he was sitting in front of her – alive – she wouldn't give up. She would never again give up that easily…
There was a long silence before the young man spoke at length.
"It doesn't matter because I'll resign anyway."
Jadzia knit her brow. "You can't be serious."
"I am. I'll file a formal request as soon as I'm on duty again." Bashir's voice remained calm but resolute, making the young Trill realize that he meant what he said. She knew this tone, and she also knew that he had probably already made up his mind.
"Julian, with all due respect, this is not a decision you should make in your present condition."
He looked over to her, and for a short moment their gazes met.
"I'm very well aware of the consequences, Jadzia. I've been thinking about it ever since I got back to the station." Hesitating a moment, he rubbed his eyes. "The truth is, I don't want to be a doctor any longer."
"How can you say that?"
Julian startled her by locking his eyes with hers. She winced at the utter resignation she saw there. "I don't want to be a doctor any longer because I haven't proven to be a very good one in the past. I betrayed our job's most important value. I think that's reason enough."
"You know that's not true, Julian. You're distorting reality," the young Trill held, not breaking eye contact.
"I'm not the one who's distorting reality. You are. All of you." He didn't say it in an offensive or aggressive way, just in a neutral matter-of-fact tone which scared Dax even more.
"Julian, listen to me. Ever since we rescued you from Felan III, you keep reproaching yourself. You reject our help, you draw back into yourself so no one can reach you. And now you're telling me you want to resign! What happened is not your fault, Julian! I know you. I know what a passionate and conscientious person you are. Being a doctor is everything you ever wanted – and you saved so many lives. You didn't betray your principles, Julian, you didn't have a choice. You chose the path that saved as many lives as possible, even if it meant sacrificing the life of a single man."
His mouth twisted in agony. "But do I have the right to decide who's worthy to live and who isn't? I'm no god, Jadzia. I've sworn an oath to protect life, and the truth is that I betrayed that oath. Even if you tell me I was right, that I didn't have another choice. It's I who can't forgive myself, don't you see? I would never be able to carry on as if nothing had ever happened."
She had forgotten how good he was at it - hauling himself over the coals. He might be indulgent and understanding with others, though he was totally lacking in indulgence when it came to himself. At least now she was speaking to his old self, even if his view might still be contorted by the trauma he had suffered.
"So you'll give up and Telac wins," Jadzia said dryly.
She could see him flinch at the mention of Telac's name, though he still kept his composure. He even seemed calmer than before.
"Telac doesn't win, Jadzia, he has already won." Bashir didn't even blink.
Staring numbly at the broken young man in front of her, Jadzia couldn't help but loathe the man who had hurt Julian so deeply. Julian no longer seemed to care; the fire she had witnessed back in Quark's yesterday evening died down, leaving behind only apathy and indifference. It was so very different from what he had been in Sisko's presence, from what he had been when he had shouted at them, when he had so suddenly acted in a totally different way than he had for the last few days. It was as if she was speaking to a perfectly different person now…
And suddenly she started to realize what she had not been able to see ever since they had tried to get Julian back. None of them had. Neither Sisko, nor O'Brien, nor Kira, not even Counselor Telnorri.
It was so simple – and no one had ever noticed. But it made sense. A stunning, scary yet logical sense.
Julian kept reproaching himself for what he had done; he hated himself for having killed an innocent man. He was even so shaken to the ground as to give up the most important thing in his life: His profession as a doctor. Julian was destroying himself, hurting himself by clinging desperately to the appalling murder he had committed.
But the truth was that he couldn't cope with his own weakness. He couldn't cope with the fact that he had been broken, that he had been the victim, not Sisko, not O'Brien or anyone else. Julian had been broken by Telac, had been so profoundly hurt that he was now desperately trying to twist the truth – switching the role of the victim to that of the perpetrator. He was so utterly ashamed of his own weakness that he would rather condemn himself than accept the truth…
Finding enough courage to speak up again, she resisted the urge to touch Julian. She had to try and help him. At least now she started to understand what was going on inside him, why they hadn't been able to reach him before. Slowly grasping the real depth of the damage Telac had so sadistically inflicted on him, she felt a cold shiver run down her spine. With a deep breath, she tried to concentrate on what she had to do now.
"How can you say that? How can you say that Telac's already won?" she said determinedly, shaking her head.
"Because it's true?" Julian replied impatiently, talking about his former captor obviously stirring up emotions he usually managed to keep suppressed.
"You're here, Julian. Telac hasn't won because you're still here. You prevented him from finishing his bomb. You're no longer a prisoner," the young Trill said sympathetically.
"I am!" Bashir slightly raised his voice, gesturing vaguely around and indicating the force field.
"That's not the same," Jadzia held.
"It damn is." She could see how hard Julian was struggling to keep his voice low. It was the second time, she realized, that his composure was slipping. So she was finally getting somewhere…
"You're not a prisoner, Julian. You're in temporary custody until we can be sure that you've calmed down."
"I am very calm, Lieutenant!"
"You don't seem to understand, Julian. We're not trying to hurt you; we're trying to help you."
"I do understand, I'm no fool. And don't you call me Julian again. I don't need your help. I don't need anybody's help. Can't you see?"
With that, he almost jumped up, walking over to the force field in a way that made Dax afraid he would actually hit the energy field and hurt himself. However, he just kept standing there, balling his fists – glaring furiously at her with an anger she didn't know where it so suddenly came from.
"I don't need anybody's help, so stop patronizing me! I don't want you to treat me like a child!"
She was not sure if urging him to remember further would be a good idea, but she also realized that their conversation was going in the right direction. There wasn't much to lose anyway, was there? They couldn't go on like they had during the last two weeks, and now she had the chance to change things. She needed to reach him, to get through to him.
"Nobody's treating you like a child," she retorted calmly, careful not to upset him by using his first name. "It's just because everyone is worried about you. We don't want to lose you again. We're so glad to have you back."
He grimaced. "Stop telling me lies, Lieutenant. You're not glad to have me back. The truth is you're afraid of me, why else put me in a cell?"
She sadly shook her head. "You're so good at twisting the truth."
"I'm not twisting truth! It's you who can't see it!" Julian finally shouted, unable to keep his composure any second longer.
"What is it I can't see?" Dax, too, was raising her voice, matching his.
"I murdered an innocent man, Lieutenant!" he shouted, too incensed with rage to care much about security or anybody else overhearing their conversation.
"You know that's not true!" she said. "But you keep insisting on it to chastise yourself!"
"Chastise myself!? I've been tortured more than you can even imagine. I don't need to chastise myself!" He forcefully hit the bulkhead with his fist. "I don't need your help! I don't need anybody's help!"
"You do!" she insisted.
"No! You don't understand! I just wish I had died in Telac's captivity!"
Within a second, Jadzia was on her feet, raised her hand and without warning slapped him across the face as hard as she could. "Don't you ever dare say that again!" she shouted in anger.
More perplexed than furious about the Trill's sudden action, the young man stumbled backward. One hand lifted to his throbbing cheek, he stared at her with a mixture of anger and disbelief.
"I never want to hear you say that again!" the young Trill shouted again, silently praying she could find enough courage to do what she had to. She had to tell him – even if he didn't want to hear it. "I won't let you destroy yourself just because you can't cope with having been a victim of Telac's torture."
Stunned by her unexpected words, Julian's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?"
Closing in on him until her eyes were level with his, she continued relentlessly: "I mean that's the truth you're trying to twist, Julian. You keep telling me what an awful, dreadful deed you've done. You keep wanting me to hate you, to hate you for having killed an innocent man; for having helped Telac's plans and nearly killed a whole race – not to mention the chaos that would have been created if the wormhole had actually been destroyed. You want me to loathe you for what you've done. You even feel nauseated by your own actions. You don't want anybody's pity. You need someone to tell you how bad and wrong your decision was, what a cold-blooded monster you are, a monster taking lives as it pleases."
She could see that she had hit the mark, for Julian was literally speechless. Staring incredulously back at her, he looked as if Jadzia had just revealed his innermost feelings. He wasn't able to bring forth a single word.
"But the truth is, that you've been hurt, more profoundly and gravely than you can admit." Her voice became soft again, almost sad. "You've been trying to hide it by pretending that it's you who is to blame. But you know that it's not true. You're not the perpetrator, Julian, you're the victim."
"No…" the young man slowly shook his head as if he was refusing to let her words get to him. He was backing away from her, a painful look crossing his features. "I murdered an innocent man, Jadzia. I gave in to Telac…" His voice grew ever so weak as her words cut ever so deep. He still struggled hard to keep his composure. Tried hard not to feel.
"You didn't give in, Julian, you've been broken…" It hurt so much to tell him that she felt short of breath. Focusing her whole attention on the young doctor, she knew she had to push him further.
"No…" It sounded like a helpless plea. Bashir still didn't move, his eyes widening ever farther, as his mind was searching for a loophole. But there was none. Jadzia was right – and he was probably aware of it.
"No… I…" Trying hard to fight back tears, Bashir's gaze dropped ashamedly to the ground. The young man still shook his head, refusing to listen to anything Jadzia threw at him; trying to uphold his defense, as the Trill's words started to coalesce with feelings he had ever since tried to suppress.
"He used you. He made you obey his maniacal plans. It was he who made you betray the most important thing in your life – and you could do absolutely nothing to stop him. You were completely at his mercy."
"He… he hasn't…" Julian stammered, though he didn't make it any further when Jadzia's firm voice reverberated yet again from the walls.
"He abused you, Julian. He deliberately, sadistically tortured you. He destroyed your resistance and made you obey every wicked order he gave you. And you could do absolutely nothing to stop him."
"No!" Julian desperately cried out, his shoulders shaking violently. The pained plea in his tear-filled eyes came as a painful stab through her heart.
She knew that she had finally made it through to him, though she also knew that she had reached the limit of how far she would go. There they were. At the very fact Julian had ever since refused to see. She knew that her forcing him painfully realize the truth was almost pushing the young man to his limit. But the hurt and pain she felt at this very moment was of no less intensity.
A long and engulfing silence followed, each second ticking by making her fear that Julian would retreat back into his own world...
But then he finally spoke.
His voice was dead calm, barely above a whisper. His gaze was still cast downward, though she could tell – no, she knew – that he was there again, reliving yet again the decisive moment of his ordeal...
"I didn't know where I was… I didn't know what happened... He told me about his plans, that he wanted to destroy the Celestial Temple but…. I knew I couldn't help him… I kept opposing... He kept… torturing me… but still, I wouldn't give up," he managed reluctantly, his breathing growing more and more choppy. He just stood there, shoulders hunched with pain, eyes shut against the devastating truth of reality, the words rushing to the fore without Julian holding them back any longer.
"I knew that I could never get out alone… But I trusted in you… The only reason that kept me alive… was that I knew you'd come for me… that Captain Sisko would come for me…"
He almost seemed about to collapse on the very spot he stood, his face pale and twisted into a faint grimace of pain.
"I…tried to oppose…" he was almost sobbing now, his voice weak and broken. "I…tried to hold out…but…you never came. I knew someone would come for me… but you never came..." And with the last words, he couldn't suppress his tears any longer, burying his face in his hands. "It was… a nightmare… I… couldn't wake up and… he didn't… leave me…. a choice…"
He didn't make it any farther. Sobbing, he desperately tried to wipe away the tears, struggling futilely to maintain his illusionary world of indifference. A world so detached from everything that had made it possible for him to stumble on through life, forgetting and suppressing the pain and horror he had went through. Forgetting about his friends, about who he really was. Forgetting about the destructive blow of hopelessness he'd been dealt when he had been forced to learn what loneliness meant, how fragile a human life was.
Sagging toward the ground, Julian just couldn't stop crying – about his life that had once been robbed from him, about his friends who had never come for his rescue, about a cruelty in life he had never thought existed, about the loss of his naivety, about everything that he had so long tried to suppress and ignore. Battered and broken, he cowered on the floor, desperate tears rolling down his cheeks which even the heated feeling of shame couldn't manage to flush. Never before had he felt so lost in his life. Never before had he felt so hurt, ashamed and humiliated - so worthless.
He doubled over, hugging himself and gasping irregularly for breath. He just wanted to die, if they would just let him die. He was breaking under the enormous pressure that had been on him ever since they had brought him back. It was only a few seconds later that he felt her gentle embrace. And this time he didn't offer any resistance. Letting her gather him up in her arms and draw his head to her shoulder, he just couldn't stop crying, shaking as he desperately clung to her.
"It's over, Julian," Jadzia gently whispered, cradling the sobbing young man and stroking his hair, trying to soothe him as best she could.
He didn't give any answer, just clung to her as if she were the last straw he could catch before being dragged into the dark abyss beneath – and she didn't let him down. She was there for him, allowing him to let go of all the pent-up feelings he had too long tried to fight down. She was right, he hadn't wanted to see it. His own weakness. His own vulnerability. He had desperately tried to push it aside, to persuade himself that he had been wrong and that everything had been his fault.
But Jadzia was right. He was so utterly ashamed of having been a victim of Telac's torture, of having been made realize that his own life was worthless, that another man was so easily able to take it away from him that Julian hadn't wanted to face reality. He had run away from it, had hurt himself in order to not feel the wound Telac's humiliation had inflicted on him. But finally the truth was crashing down upon him more mercilessly than he could have ever imagined.
Telac's cruelty, the terrible realization that he was on his own, the fear he had ever since tried to ignore.
"I'm sorry, Julian," the young Trill whispered. "I'm so sorry there was no one coming for you. I'm sorry that we weren't there for you when you needed us." She felt lost for words, silent tears filling her eyes as she held the trembling young man. That was the reason why he had tried to avoid meeting people, his very friends. That was the reason he felt so betrayed, why he wouldn't trust them, why he had kept refusing their help. Why he had reacted so totally different in their presence, why he had shown that repulsive and angry behavior as soon as he had to deal with one of them. Not only had his mind been broken – but also his ability to trust...
"I'm so sorry that we weren't there for you. I'm so sorry for everything you had to go through…"
Julian didn't answer. Too deep was his misery – too deep the longing for protection and safety.
He didn't know how long he spent sobbing and crying in her arms. It almost seemed like an eternity – but all the time he could hear her soothing, gentle words, could feel the comforting warmth of her body, lulling him into a cocoon of safety he never wanted to leave again. It was such a comforting feeling – the very kind of feeling he had always yearned for so wistfully. The feeling of home and security. The feeling of affection, showing him that he wasn't unworthy of life…
No matter how much he had forced the feeling down, how betrayed he had felt when he thought they had abandoned him to Telac – he needed them. In this moment more than ever before...
"I'm… sorry…" he finally managed in a slurred voice, still more tears running down his now flushed cheeks.
"No, Julian, you shouldn't be," she started, but suddenly realized that he wasn't talking about Telac or Sisko. He was talking about letting himself go in front of her eyes…
Hugging him softly, she added as an afterthought: "It's not the first time a young man is lying in my arms and crying his heart out."
Julian finally looked up at this, his eyes red and swollen.
"I'm a Trill, you forgot? I'd been mother to a son, twice," she tried to offer him her most empathetic smile, hoping silently that it looked more confident than she felt. "But I promise, I won't tell anyone."
Julian nodded weakly, inhaling deeply. Slowly detaching himself from her arms, he started wiping away the last tears with his sleeve. To his surprise, there didn't follow any new ones.
He looked terrible. Cowering on the floor with his face flushed and sticky with the remains of the tears, he was a miserable sight – though for the first time ever since they had brought him back from Felan III, he looked like his old self. She knew he hadn't made a full recovery yet, that he still needed help to cope with what he had experienced in captivity. But she knew all the same that they'd made the first step.
Acceptance.
They would be able to work with that.
Sitting silently next to each other, Julian drew up his knees, wrapping both arms around them. His cloudy stare was directed absently toward the floor. Some more minutes elapsed in silence until the young man finally spoke up again. When he did, his voice was still slightly unsteady.
"…do you know where he is…?"
She suppressed the urge to ask "who", for she already knew who he was speaking about. Not sure if telling him the truth was a good idea, she reluctantly shook her head. "They're still investigating."
"I see…" His voice dropped yet again to barely above a whisper. "I… I just can't understand how I could have forgotten what happened in Telac's captivity. In all the time I never…"
He didn't finish the sentence, lying his head tiredly on top of his knees. She almost expected him to retreat once again to a place far inside himself when he suddenly looked up. He tried to bring a small smile on his lips.
"…thank you…" he whispered.
Reaching for his hand, she softly squeezed it and offered a genuine smile of relief. "You're welcome, Julian."
And beckoning toward the force field, she added: "I think it's time to go home…"