- Epilog -

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Leaning back, he folded both hands in his lap and drew in a deep breath. It was still early in the morning. Their meeting was taking place at quite a different hour than usual, though he had been the one to suggest such an early time. He still felt groggy and tired, his head hurting with a slight headache, though Dr. Selaran had said that it was just a normal reaction. After all that had happened…

"And you told me that sleep has become better?" the older Bajoran asked in a friendly yet concerned tone. He held the PADD casually on his knees, never taking his eyes off the young man who was sitting quietly in front of him.

Julian could sense the underlying worry and wariness in the counselor's warm voice. He nodded slowly and threw a quick glance out of the viewport, watching the many small white dots streak by ever so slowly, his thoughts already about to wander off yet again to that place far, far away at the other end of the universe. He squinted at the black vastness outside the viewport and still felt a heavy weight on his heart. Finally tearing his gaze from the hypnotizing sight, he directed his attention back to the other man.

"Sleep isn't as good as it should be, the time it takes me to fall asleep is still too long… but in general I'd say, yes, sleep has become better," he admitted slowly.

"What about the eating disorder?" the Bajoran asked mildly, leaning closer to him as he set the PADD aside and folded both hands, propping himself onto his knees.

Julian involuntarily felt the urge to draw away – but overcame it. He knew that the older Bajoran just wanted to help – and that he needed Telnorri's help, no matter his personal feelings. And – talking wasn't actually as bad as he had thought. At first, it had been almost impossible for him to talk about his true feelings. But talking had become easier now. Telling what he was feeling inside was actually a relief.

"At least I try to eat three times a day," Bashir tried to smile crookedly, nervously glancing at the chronometer next to the counselor's workstation.

The older Bajoran obviously noticed, for he finally tapped his PADD and nodded with a friendly smile. "She'll be here in a few minutes. I think we should stop here for today, what do you think?"

Cocking his head up in surprise, Julian agreed with another faint smile, drew himself up and made his way to the door. Before he left, though, he turned once more. "So, tomorrow morning?"

"Tomorrow morning," the older Bajoran nodded.

Stepping out into the deserted corridor, Julian felt a heavy weight drop from his chest. He still didn't like meeting Telnorri. Granted, the older Bajoran counselor was a very sympathetic, understanding and friendly person – but still he was a doctor, and Julian never had made a good patient, had he?

"Julian!"

Startled by the sudden voice, the young man spun around.

"Jadzia..."

"You're already finished?" the young Trill asked casually, though he still got the underlying message. She was worried he might have fled from the counselor's office…He quickly shook his head and tried to offer the most reassuring smile to dispel her worries.

"We made it quite far today…" he shrugged apologetically. He couldn't blame her. Until recently, it would have been exactly the thing he would have done…

"I see," Dax nodded, as both of them started to walk next to each other along the corridor. Bashir still didn't seem as confident as he once had been, still hesitated whenever he rounded another corner as if he expected something unpleasant waiting for him around the bend...

"So how did it go?"

"You mean, besides me stubbornly refusing to answer Telorri's questions?"

When the young woman suddenly stopped, watching him with a mixture of worry and alarm, he chuckled. "Just joking. Come on, or we'll be late for lunch."

By the time they had made it to the Promenade, Julian had gained some more confidence. She could tell from the way he was walking next to her, how he was slowly regaining his sense of humor. It was at least a beginning. She didn't doubt that he would make it, that he would slowly regain what he had once lost – the progress he had already made during the last week was amazing, anyway. And she couldn't tell how grateful she was. Julian now walking next to her was more than a miracle. Her heart heavy with silent tears, she finally stopped, turning to him with a sad but reassuring smile.

"It's good to have you back," she whispered softly as she gently reached for his hand, squeezing it affectionately.

"It's good to be back home," he whispered back – and for the first time it was there again. She couldn't tell how much she had missed that typical smile of his.

"I think there's someone you like to see," she arched a brow, gesturing toward Quark's.

As he took her cue and followed her into the surprisingly quiet Ferengi bar, he stopped in his tracks at the threshold.

"John…!"

The young engineer was sitting at one of the tables, absently swaying a half-filled cup with one hand, while he watched some of the dabo players. When he spotted Julian and Jadzia enter the bar, he almost immediately jumped up, hurrying over to them.

"Julian!"

With only a few steps, he was at their side, giving the young doctor a brief but affectionate hug, before he patted his shoulder. "You look good! You don't know how worried I was after the last time we met."

"I'm fine," Julian replied at length, holding both hands up in defense as if he already suspected his friend not to believe him. "Really."

John seemed to relax at the young doctor's slight chuckle.

"But… what happened?" Julian asked in astonishment, indicating John's gray overalls.

John couldn't suppress a proud smile. "Newly assigned to the Dalian. It's a Federation research vessel. They'll leave for the Gamma Quadrant soon and will have some work to do near Felan III. Captain Sisko thought it a good idea that I can go back, now that everything is over, to search for my sister. I… well I guess, I owe Captain Sisko a favor now," he grinned.

"Wow, I… that's quite a surprise," Julian confessed, slightly speechless. "When do you leave?"

Tilting his head to one side, the young engineer's face became serious. "In two days. The captain arranged for me to stay on the Dalian if I decide to after our stop at Felan III. And I think I will take him up on the offer. I've never been away from home and being able to fly to all those unknown planets now – that almost sounds like a dream."

"It surely will be," Dax smiled genuinely.

There was still so much Julian wanted to tell him, so much he needed to let him know. Thinking back to the last months – he could still feel his heart heavy in his chest. And for the first time, he started to realize that things could have been even worse. No matter how much pain he had suffered, how devastating Telac's captivity had been – there had always been someone with him, someone caring, someone sharing the cruel fate he had gone through… someone helping him persevere. He had always taken their friendship for granted, but now that he knew what had really happened, now that he knew the real circumstances of his time in Velurin, he didn't know how things would have turned out without John's help and protection.

Standing for a short moment silently in front of both of his friends, Julian wondered if it could ever become like before. Looking into Jadzia's friendly, caring face, he knew that perhaps it was possible. It would be a long way – but nevertheless, there was the tiny chance that it was actually possible…

"So if you feel hungry, we could as well order something," John suggested enthusiastically, and Jadzia nodded in agreement.

"We were planning on eating anyway," she said.

Just before both of them could make their way back to John's table, Julian suddenly hesitated.

"Jadzia…"

The young Trill stopped at Julian's call, turning. When her quizzical look met the young doctor's, he seemed slightly embarrassed.

"What is it, Julian?"

"Do you mind if I catch up with you later?"

Casting a confused look at John, the young Trill cautiously shook her head. "No… why?"

Julian was obviously searching for words, but then just said: "I just… Well, there's something I need to do…"

"Captain?"

Startled, Benjamin Sisko glanced up to meet his first officer's quizzical gaze. He was still rolling his baseball absent-mindedly in his hand, the PADDs they had been discussing still lying scattered across his desk.

"Sorry, Major, you were saying?"

The young Bajoran woman shook her head with an obvious frown. "Is everything okay?"

They had been talking about security updates… thought the captain seemed most of the time more absent than present, always rolling his baseball in one hand; stroking absently over the ball's bulging seam, his mind obviously miles away.

"I'm sorry, I was just… thinking."

When Kira waited for some kind of explanation, he reluctantly continued: "Have you ever been in that kind of situation when you knew that whatever you did, you'd make the wrong decision?" His eyes fell again on his baseball. She couldn't help but wonder what the sudden change in topics meant.

Finally, Kira shook her head. "I guess most of us have been. During the Occupation anyway. There's just not always the choice between good and bad you once were brought up to believe in… and realizing this – I guess that's part and parcel of growing up…"

Sisko nodded, placing his baseball cautiously back onto the holder on his desk. Then he sat up and shook his head as if to clear it of unpleasant thoughts.

"Somehow we all ought to be glad that those times are seldom – and far in between. I just can't help but wonder if justice really exists, if it's really more than just a human construct," he added as an afterthought.

"I see."

The captain once more squared his shoulders. "Any sign of Telac?"

"No, not so far." The major sighed, "Though I don't think he'll make it far. Sooner or later, he's bound to be detected by someone… Considering the Federation's interest in Felan III at the moment anyway."

Without another word, Sisko took one of the PADDs, handing it to her as he drew himself up. "You'll find all the information you need concerning the security matter on this PADD."

Kira took the PADD and flicked through its contents. "I'll discuss it with Odo. Let's see what he has to say." With a short nod she turned to leave the office, but hesitated then

"It's good to have you back, Sir," she just said with an acknowledging nod, before she headed out into OPS, the door closing swiftly behind her back.

No sooner had she left his office, Sisko let out a heavy sigh, straightening absently his uniform. He turned once more toward the large viewport in his back. Stroking his beard with one hand, he retrieved the PADD lying on the edge of the captain's table. Flicking it on with one thumb, he stared numbly at the bright green letters in front of him. He had to admit that those reports could be far worse. And almost, they would have been. Almost…

Reading Telnorri's reports, the older Bajoran counselor seemed content with how things were turning out, with how much progress Julian made with every session. He had already recommended that after some weeks, light duty would be a good start; that gradually the young doctor's wounds were beginning to heal; that gradually Julian was coming back to his old self…

Suppressing the urge to slam a fist down onto the table, Sisko took a deep breath instead.

"Sometimes we have to make decisions where every path we take means to lose – but still we have to make our choice – and live with that decision."

He had meant it. Even if Julian hadn't known, Sisko had been serious back in Julian's quarters.

He was the one responsible for everything that had happened. For not having found the young man earlier, for not having been able to prevent his crewman from being hurt, for not having stopped the madness when he'd once had the chance to…. For having almost destroyed his officer's life in the course of events.

He knew how much Julian had once looked up to him, how great his trust had been.

And Sisko had betrayed that trust. He could only imagine how Julian must have felt in Telac's captivity…

It was one of the rare occasions that he hated his position. That he hated the responsibility which accompanied his very assignment. That he hated being made judge over life and death. That he hated being the Emissary…

But as he once had said, life wasn't the easy game between good and bad one often oversimplified. Sometimes one had to make decisions where every path meant to lose…

He could only hope that Julian would make it. He couldn't imagine another person who could do it if not Bashir. So he kept hoping…

Some time he would regain his trust. Some time he would.

Stepping in front of the door, he suddenly hesitated, his hand coming to a halt only inches above the door chime. He was anything but sure if coming down here had been a good idea. He almost automatically straightened his blue shirt and took a deep breath.

He could hear voices behind the door. Clatter and voices, making his uneasiness grow. He felt the familiar urge to turn his back on the situation and run away like he had done all those past weeks.

With another deep breath, he shook his head. He wouldn't run away. Not anymore.

Still hesitating indecisively in front of the closed metal door, his heartbeat quickened with every elapsing minute. He wanted to go ahead, but still – he couldn't. He hadn't thought that it would actually be that difficult.

"Go in."

Startled by the sudden voice behind him, he turned, already expecting to see Jadzia stand next to him. But when he saw who was standing in some distance in the elsewise deserted corridor, his brow furrowed.

"Go in," the young girl repeated impatiently, biting her lower lip. Her intense blue eyes were as clear and watchful as ever. She didn't seem hurt, nor was her dress as torn and dirty as he remembered it. She kept watching him motionlessly.

Reluctantly stepping closer until he was directly in front of her, Julian let himself drop to his knees, gently reaching for her little hands to take into his own. Her sight was the saddest and most beautiful at the same time.

It took him several seconds before he finally found enough courage to speak. To ask her what had been on his mind ever since they had met months ago in Telac's captivity in the damp cellar far below the city of Velurin. Looking back on what happened since then – well, it almost seemed like another life to him.

"Who… are you?" Julian managed in an awkward whisper, stroking her hand affectionately. He felt so connected to the little girl. It felt as if something deep within him reacted to her sight, making him feel relaxed and – oddly safe.

She seemed yet again impatient, stepping from one foot to the other, cocking her head with a slight smile. "You still don't know?" Her childish manner was so heartwarming. He had forgotten how gentle a human soul could be…

He shook his head, unable to take his eyes off the girl's beautiful face. She seemed so fragile, so very like the first time he had met her.

Then suddenly she leaned closer, wrapping her arms around his neck. Her hug was so soft and affectionate that he couldn't help hugging her back. Her head leaning on his shoulder, her voice was loving and warm when she finally spoke, whispering words that were only meant for him.

And with another breath, she was gone. Julian was still kneeling on the floor, his arms stretched out in an embrace in front of him, a tickling sensation spreading through his arms. He wondered if the girl had been real – or if he had been hallucinating again. He knew that he once had.

In the end, it didn't really matter.

Scrambling to his feet, he took a last deep breath before he turned, finally moving again in front of the gray metal door. He still felt anxious, his heart pounding palpably in his chest. Without giving it a second though, he activated the door chime.

"Come," the response almost immediately came.

When the door whooshed open, Julian waited another second – then warily crossed the threshold, poking his head into the room, not sure if he was welcome anyway.

"Julian…!" a low Irish voice thundered through the room.

They were having lunch.

Miles O'Brien was sitting at the table with his wife and daughter, eating whatever delicious thing it was that Keiko had conjured up. The chief almost immediately jumped to his feet, hurrying over to greet the new and most unexpected guest.

"I'm… sorry to disturb you," Julian quickly apologized as he kept standing in the doorway.

"What… Why, no! Come in!" The chief hurriedly said, his face drawn into a faint grimace of pleasant disbelief.

"I'll get another plate," Keiko offered with a genuine smile.

"How… How are you, Julian?" O'Brien asked slightly unsure when he arrived in front of the young man. He wasn't sure what to expect, though Julian seemed a lot better than when he had seen him the last time.

"Fine," Julian managed and, spotting the worried look on O'Brien's face, he quickly added: "Well, at least most of the time."

Before the chief was able to say anything in response, Julian spoke up again. "I just wanted to… thank you."

"For what?"

Bashir's voice grew serious. "For everything you've done for me."

Even before the young man could say anything more, the chief had already patted him on the shoulder, steering him into the room. "You're welcome, Julian."

"Mummy, is Julian having lunch with us?" Molly asked excitedly.

"Well… I…" Julian began awkwardly but the chiefs friendly voice cut in. "Sure he is."

Slightly embarrassed, the young doctor's face drew into a faint grimace, though O'Brien was already pulling him toward the table.

"You better hurry or your lunch gets cold!"

Space.

The darkness was endless. No stars. No light. There was a faint glow in the distance, growing larger until it emanated from nothing and everything at once. He could feel his own breath losing itself in the vastness around him, could feel a whirl of emotions stirred up in his heart at the strange, yet familiar sight. He knew where he was. And the realization brought yet another disturbing feeling rising in him.

"You're back?"

The disembodied voice seemed to reverberate inside his very mind. Inhaling deeply, he frowned.

"Where are you?"

Jennifer's face in front of him, her eyes dark and unfathomable.

"The Sisko is back."

"You knew, didn't you?" he suddenly frowned, not willing to let himself be tricked into yet another hide-and-seek. "You knew what all this was leading to! You knew what would happen when you sent me off to find my missing officer!"

Another figure appeared out of nothing. Kira.

"What difference will it make if we did?" Her tone was emotionless and cold.

"It changes everything! You knew what would happen and you did nothing to stop it!"

"The Sisko doesn't understand. We did stop it."

"You knew of Dr. Bashir's whereabouts – and what Telac was planning to do! You should have contacted me earlier. Why did you wait until it was almost too late? You used me, you sent me to stop Telac from finishing his bomb so that your celestial temple was not destroyed. First you gave me that ambiguous hint of yours and then you forsook me. You forsook my crew! You forsook Julian!"

"The Sisko is hurt," Kira stated – it almost seemed as if in astonishment.

"I surely am! I almost lost one of my officers!"

Quark's face, watching him emotionless. "You don't understand. But one time you will…"

"What is it that I will understand?" Whirling around, there was yet again only a white nothingness, enshrouding him like a veil of death.

"The Sisko, more than anyone else, knows what pain means. He will understand. Not this time. Not the next time. But in the end he will."

Glaring at them – at the entities that had come to determine so much of his life – he was lost for words.

Jennifer once more stepped in front of him, her beautiful lips drawing into a faint smile before she slowly started to fade.

"For we do not act with purpose. We are the purpose…"

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=/\= The End =/\=

copyright 2005 Mijra