Chapter 5: Obi-Wan's Easy Investigation

The armored bounty hunter stood over Padme's corpse on her bed, Reagan-Nixon suddenly appeared behind him and said "Move over!"

"What the-," the bounty hunter said.

Reagan-Nixon moved to Padme's corpse and brought her back to life, he then waved his hand at the bounty hunter and said "You did not kill Padme, and you will now go to planet Kamino."

"I did not kill Padme, and I will now go to planet Kamino," the bounty hunter repeated.

Reagan-Nixon then waved his hand at Padme and said "You were safe inside your bedroom and another bounty hunter didn't kill you."

"I was safe inside my bedroom and another bounty hunter didn't kill me," Padme repeated.

"Good, now let's continue on with my convoluted plan to take over America," Reagan-Nixon said.

"Now Jar Jar, remember to vote against the Military Creation Act, okay?" Padme said to him.

"Of course, Senator," Jar Jar replied.

Padme went to her room and continued packing her clothes into her luggage.

"I do not like this idea of hiding," Padme said towards Anakin.

"Why not? We can fuck each others' brains out without the Jedi knowing," Anakin replied.

"Not while I'm around!" Qui-Gon said towards them both.

"Thank you Qui-Gon, also this is not a vacation, Anakin. I'm traveling as a refugee so it's not going to be romantic or pleasant," Padme added.

"Where are we hiding?" Anakin asked.

"We're hiding on planet Israel," Amidala answered.

"Are you sure undercover ISIS agents won't find out who you are?" Anakin continued.

"I'm positive, I'll just wear these excessive dresses that don't hide my face instead of disguises," Padme replied.

On the space freighter dock, Padme, Qui-Gon, and Anakin were preparing for their vacation, I mean, hiding in Israel.

"Be safe, m'lady," Captain Typho said.

"Thank you," Padme responded.

"Anakin, don't fuck her, okay?" Obi-Wan demanded.

"I won't, I swear," Anakin answered.

"Don't worry, Obi-Wan, I'll prevent Anakin and Padme from screwing with each other," Qui-Gon added.

The two Jedi and the Senator then go on to the giant star freighter, R2 went along with them.

"I hope he doesn't try anything foolish," Obi-Wan said.

"Are you stupid? Lady Amidala and Anakin are totally going to have sex with each other because you Jedi are too emotionally repressive," Captain Typho responded.

Back on the streets of Washington, D.C. Obi-Wan entered a 1950's American-styled dining restaurant.

"Someone to see you, honey!" a female waitress droid yelled.

"Obi-Wan!" the diner owner happily said.

"Hello, Dex," Obi-Wan replied.

"Take a seat, I'll be right with you!" Dex answered.

"You want a cup of Jawa juice?" the waitress droid asked.

"Oh yes. Thank you," the Jedi enthusiastically answered.

"Hey… old buddy!"Dex said while walking to Obi-Wan's table and hugging him with all four arms.

"So my friend, what can I do for you?" Dex asked.

"You can tell me what this is," Obi-Wan said while showing the armored bounty hunter's poison dart.

"Wow! What do you know!" Dex said in amazement.

"This belongs to Kaminoan cloners," Dex explained.

"Kamino, I'm not familiar with it. Is it in the Republic?" Obi-Wan asked.

"No, no. It's beyond the Outer Rim. I say about twelve parsecs outside the Rishi Maze. Should be easy to find, even for those droids in your archives," Dex responded.

"These, uh, Kaminoans, keep to themselves. They're cloners. Damn good ones, too," Dex added.

Obi-Wan then went back to the Jedi temple, searching the Jedi archives. "Are you having a problem, Master Kenobi?" Jedi librarian Jocasta Nu asked.

"Yes, um, I'm looking for a planetary system called Kamino. It doesn't show up in the archive charts," Obi-Wan answered. "According to my information it should appear in this quadrant, just south of the Rishi Maze," he added.

Both Jedi looked at a screen and Jocasta said, "I hate to say it, but it looks like the system you're searching for doesn't exist."

"Impossible. Perhaps the archives are incomplete," Obi-Wan responded.

"If an item does not appear in our records, it does not exist," Jocasta said.

Obi-Wan looked at her and said, "Why would you say that? I know George Lucas is trying to make the Jedi seem arrogant and that arrogance leads them to their downfall, but it's insanely idiotic to say that if something doesn't exist in our archives it doesn't exist in real life. That's like saying if a book doesn't appear in my personal book collection, then that book probably doesn't exist anywhere else."

"If an item does not appear in our records, it does not exist," Jocasta said.

"There's a possibility that someone may have removed Kamino from our archives. Are you sure no one has deleted Kamino from the archives?" Obi-Wan asked.

"If an item does not appear in our records, it does not exist," Jocasta said.

"Are you seriously telling me that we have all these records of the entire galaxy except for this one planetary system that's conveniently tied with the assassination attempt on Senator Amidala?" Obi-Wan sternly asked.

"Also, do the archives not have a catalog of information edits? It's not like I'm looking for a physical book to check out," Obi-Wan added.

"If an item does not appear in our records, it does not exist," Jocasta said.

"Please, please! I'm begging you to look up the archives' information edits! I'm confident that someone must have removed Kamino from the archives, because there's absolutely no way we have all this information on the entire galaxy except for the one planet that's connected to the murder attempts on Amidala," Obi-Wan demanded.

"Ok, then," Jocasta answered. The Jedi librarian looked up on the screen and said, "You were right Obi-Wan, Kamino does exist and someone tried to delete it from the archives."

"Thank you, I know the script is trying to make us Jedi look stubborn, but we end up looking dumb," Obi-Wan replied.