As night fell over ThunderClan, Leafpool lay curled in her nest, waiting for every cat to fall asleep so she could sneak out and go to the Moonpool. Sneaking out had been a lot easier when she had been in the medicine den, with only Cinderpelt to avoid. Now, most of the Clan shared her den, and she had to wait until they were all sleeping.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, she decided every cat was sleeping soundly, and she crept from her nest out into the clearing. There was no cat there, but Thornclaw was on night watch. Fortunately, she had perfected the art of sneaking out through the dirtplace tunnel when she had been seeing Crowfeather, and soon she was out in the forest with no cat having seen her leave.
It was a nice night outside. The warmth of greenleaf still clung to the forest, but without the stifling, oppressive heat of the drought. The forest was quiet at night, since prey was sleeping too, but she could hear the chirping of insects and the sound of a gentle breeze rustling the leaves of the trees.
She had walked the path to the Moonpool so many times she could follow it blind, and before too long, she had arrived. Standing on the familiar shore, she hesitated. Warriors weren't supposed to be here. But she needed to see StarClan, and if they wouldn't come to her in camp, she had no choice but to come to them here.
So, before she could talk herself out of it, she settled down by the Moonpool, touched her nose to the cold, clear water, and closed his eyes.
Seemingly instantly, she found herself blinking awake into the familiar green lushness of StarClan. Warm breezes whirled around her, and the smell of fresh prey hit her nose. Sunlight slanted through the trees, warming her pelt. She had forgotten how beautiful it was here. Even on the best day, the Clan territories were never as perfect as StarClan.
Tonight, however, she had no time to sunbathe. She had to find Hollyleaf. Deciding any direction was as good as any other, she began padding off through the trees. Usually when she dreamed of StarClan, she was immediately faced with ancient cats to talk with. But they hadn't brought her here tonight- she had come on her own. StarClan might not even know she was here.
She had been walking for only a few moments when a familiar shape emerged from the trees. The gray-blue she-cat sat, waiting for her to approach.
"Hello, Bluestar," meowed Leafpool politely. She had a thousand things she wanted to say. Why did you abandon me? for one. How could you let Hollyleaf die? for another. But she was already not supposed to be here. If she wanted Bluestar to let her stay long enough to find Hollyleaf, she would have to be nice.
"Hello, Leafpool," replied Bluestar. "It's been a while." And who's fault is that? Leafpool thought irritably. But she held her tongue. "What brings you back here now?" asked Bluestar.
"I'm looking for Hollyleaf," she meowed. "I need to talk with her."
Bluestar looked disapproving, and also a bit… uncomfortable? "StarClan doesn't exist so the living can call on them whenever they please," Bluestar told her sternly. "StarClan can visit living cats if and when they please. We aren't here for you to decide when you need to 'talk to us'. Most cats who have passed on have no more desire to be involved in the living world."
"Well, you haven't visited me," she snapped, unable to hide her frustration any longer. "I served ThunderClan and StarClan tirelessly as a medicine cat for my whole life. When I learned I was expecting kits, I came to you, and you told me I needed to stay in ThunderClan. Stay the medicine cat. Raise the kits there. But when I did what you said, and my Clan found out, you cast me out as if I was nothing to you. You told me I would walk a path no medicine cat had walked before, but that it was the right path. So I walked that path, and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. My Clan hates me, and you've said nothing to me in eight moons."
"It is not your destiny to know everything," meowed Bluestar calmly. "All you need to know is that everything is happening exactly as it's meant to."
"What about Hollyleaf?" she demanded, body shaking with rage. "Was this her destiny? To die for the lies you forced me to tell? Was that meant to be?" She had forgotten how infuriating the majority of conversations with StarClan were. They never just said anything outright, preferring to speak in half-truths and cryptic warnings. They would stress the importance of destiny, but refuse to tell her what her destiny was.
But this was the angriest she had ever been with them. It was one thing for them to abandon her. After all, she had knowingly broken the warrior code. But for them to suggest Hollyleaf's death was meant to happen? To imply it was a good thing? That was unforgivable. Hollyleaf had done nothing but love her Clan for her entire life. Even when she had killed Ashfur, she had done it to protect her family. And besides, Squirrelflight had told Leafpool that Ashfur had tried to kill her kits and confessed to trying to kill Firestar. As far as Leafpool was concerned, killing him was simply an act of self-defense.
"Leafpool, I know you're upset," meowed Bluestar, still infuriatingly calm. "And you have every right to be. I know what you're going through right now. I understand the grief you're feeling."
"You could never understand how I feel," hissed Leafpool. No cat could ever understand.
"Believe me, I understand better than any other cat," meowed Bluestar, with an edge in her voice. Finally. "You and I are not so different, remember. When I was a young warrior, I fell in love with a RiverClan warrior. Our love was against the warrior code, of course, but I was so in love with him I didn't care. I just wanted to be with him- everything else came second." Leafpool knew this already. It was an open secret that RiverClan's leader, Mistystar, was Bluestar's daughter.
"Just because you fell in love with a warrior from another Clan, that doesn't mean you and I are the same," Leafpool snapped.
"I know," meowed Bluestar. "But like you, I let my love for him take precedence over my loyalty to my Clan. Like you, I was ready to leave ThunderClan behind if it meant being with him. And like you, I realized too late that I was too important to my Clan to abandon it. Our deputy was sick, and the cat poised to replace her, Thistleclaw, was pure evil. He would have destroyed the Clan I loved. So even though I had already had Oakheart's kits, and I could have raised them in ThunderClan with another cat pretending to be the father, I had to give them up so I could become deputy. Like you, I had to give my kits away so I could dedicate myself to serving my clan."
"And yet, you got to go on to become Clan leader," Leafpool pointed out bitterly. "You didn't get to raise your kits, but you still got to have the role in the Clan you wanted. I don't get to have either."
"I know," Bluestar meowed. "But at least you got to watch your kits grow up. At least they got the chance to know you, even if it wasn't as your mother. That's something I never got, and something to be grateful for."
Leafpool's tail lashed furiously. "How dare you tell me to be grateful! Two of my kits hate me, and the other is dead. And she died because she was so upset over my lies that it made her reckless. One of my kits is dead because of me. You could never understand how that feels."
"Leafpool, I do," snapped Bluestar. "I had three kits, though Mistystar is the only one who was still alive when you were born. One of them, Mosskit, died the night I tried to bring them to RiverClan. It was so cold that night, and… he froze to death. He died because I put him in that dangerous situation, all so that I could help my Clan. Just as you lied to your kits to help your Clan."
Leafpool immediately felt bad. "I never knew that," she meowed softly.
Bluestar continued. "Believe me, I know better than anyone how devastating a feeling it is to lose a kit, especially when it feels like it's your fault. But you have to keep reminding yourself you made the choices you thought were best based on what you knew at the time. The decisions you thought were best for your kits, and for your Clan. Being a mother is terrifying, because you have to make those impossible choices. Your kits, or your Clan. And there isn't always a right answer. I still don't know if I made the right choice. But we are all just doing the best we can." Bluestar's eyes were filled with grief, as if she was reliving the death of her kit all over again. Leafpool had never heard of Mosskit before. Mothwing had mentioned once that Mistystar had had a brother who was murdered by Tigerstar for being half-Clan, but maybe even Mothwing didn't know about Mosskit.
"I'm sorry for saying you couldn't understand," she apologized. Bluestar's story hadn't erased the harm StarClan had done to her. But she was sorry for yelling at the former leader. "But then if you know this feeling, then you have to understand why it's so important that I talk to Hollyleaf. I have to apologize to her for my lies. I have to let her know how much I love her." Leafpool watched Bluestar desperately, hoping the she-cat would understand how badly she needed this. The two mothers met each other's eyes for a moment, before Bluestar looked away, shaking her head.
"I'm so sorry, Leafpool. I can't bring you to Hollyleaf," she meowed softly.
"Why not?" she demanded. "Bluestar, I need to see her. At least tell her I'm here! She can decide for herself if she wants to talk to me, but you need to at least give me a chance to-"
"I can't take you to Hollyleaf," Bluestar continued quietly, "because she's not here."
Leafpool blinked in shock. Not here? How is she not here? "What do you mean, 'not here?'" she asked slowly.
Bluestar hesitated, and the guilt in her eyes made Leafpool suddenly wish she had never asked. Made her wish she had never even come here. Because if Hollyleaf wasn't in StarClan…
"Not all cats go to StarClan when they die," Bluestar spoke softly, in a voice barely more than a whisper. "As you've seen for yourself. I'm so sorry, Leafpool."
No. No, this can't be true. Hollyleaf had lived a good life. She had dedicated herself wholly to her Clan, she had loved her Clanmates. She would have laid down her own life a thousand times over for any one of her Clanmates. How could she possibly deserve the Dark Forest, with the likes of Tigerstar and Hawkfrost? The cats that ended up in that horrible place were monsters who had murdered innocent cats and put their lust for power above their Clan loyalty. Hollyleaf was nothing like them.
"How did this happen?" Leafpool choked out. "Is this because of Ashfur? He tried to murder her and her brothers. He tried to murder Firestar! He should be there, not her."
"It wasn't my decision to make," Bluestar told her gently. "It wasn't the decision of any cat in StarClan. There are powers greater than StarClan, and these decisions are theirs to make. Believe me, if it were up to me, she would be here and he wouldn't be."
So then Ashfur was in StarClan. Even after everything he had done. It was clear there was no justice in a system that let Ashfur into StarClan but not Hollyleaf. Hollyleaf, her loyal, perfect kit.
Bluestar opened her mouth to speak again, maybe to offer another useless personal anecdote or condolence, but Leafpool spoke first.
"I have to go," she whispered. And then she tore off through the trees, letting her legs carry her for as long as they were able until she collapsed limply into a patch of wildflowers.
Hollyleaf is in the Dark Forest. And it's all my fault.