who else was questioning the future of word-based entertainment last week during the site outage? *raises hand* That was definitely the longest outage i've ever endured, i'm not sure how i survived...

...all jokes of course but I am glad it's back XD

Ch 23: Nervous breakdown

Rated T for…nervous breakdown

Characters: Riza, Roy

Timeline: BH/Manga

Notes: I'm gonna be a hundred percent honest guys: I don't like the stuff past the gluttony-eats-ed-and-ling-arc nearly as much. Absolutely nothing against it, cause it's freaking awesome and one of the best plot progressions I've ever seen in media…but I dunno—there's just something about the heavier character/relationship focus in the first half of the series that just appeals to me more than the evolution of the plot. With that said…there are still parts of the later series that absolutely stand out to me, and one of them is the way Pride threatens Riza in that one episode. It's legit skin-crawling, and super impactful to see just how shaken and terrified Riza is. Thus, with the power of fanfiction, I've made it so Roy came to check on her when he noticed something wrong on their phone call. As always, apologies for inconsistencies, especially since the later series is a lot cloudier in my memory…

"I'll be there in twenty minutes."

"I said it's nothing, Colonel."

"You really think, as long as I've known you, I'd believe that?"

"..."

"End of discussion, Lieutenant. I will see you soon."

Riza slid into a sitting position against the wall and dropped her head between her knees, her heart still pounding in her chest. It was quelled some by the colonel's initial call, but the racing had returned full-force with his announcement of a visit. As much as her heart silently yearned for his reliable, steady presence, the events of her alleyway encounter had her simultaneously dreading it. That…that monster had made it clear that talking would get her killed, and nowhere was safe. Wherever there was shadow…there was no escaping its watchful eyes. She couldn't say a thing to Roy about what had happened, not without finding some elaborate code or loophole first. She didn't want him here, because he knew her, and it would be hard not to spill everything at his insistence. Not to mention that deep down, she wanted to spill everything, wanted comfort in a moment where she felt, for one of the few times in her life, absolutely helpless.

No matter how many deep breaths she took, she just couldn't seem to shake the raw, primal fear she'd felt as those shadowy tendrils snaked their way around her. It was so deliberate, being just strong enough to restrain her movement and leaving just a thin cut on her face. Purposefully teasing her with its power, telling her if I wanted, I could strangle you, I could slice you to pieces, and you know it. In a way, she almost wished it had ravaged her, instead of being deliberately gentle. It was somehow more horrifying to be toyed with than to be outright attacked, and made her feel even more powerless.

Riza stared at the ground at her feet, senses still on high alert and body trembling. She was completely frozen there, waiting in silent terror for any sign of the monster's return. It had surely heard the colonel say he was on his way, and it would surely do everything it could to keep her from talking.

And, just on cue, the shadow in front of her feet shifted, slinking to the right. Riza's breath halted in her chest, her ears ringing as the shadow crept closer. Tendrils grew from it and reached toward her, winding around her ankles and up her legs. Instinct took over and she tried to pull away, but the shadows tightened their grip to a painful vice, quickly moving around her torso and toward her throat. She tried to cry out, but the sound died halfway as the creature clasped around her neck, cutting off her air. She grasped at her throat, but could get no purchase on the ethereal ropes squeezing the life out of her. She heard laughter, pitched in that mocking childlike voice, all too amused by her struggle.

"Riza…Riza…" it taunted as it continued to tighten its shadowy grip. The room faded, slowly being consumed by blackness—blackness which was coming to swallow her whole.

Riza…Riza…

…Riza…

…

"Riza!"

Suddenly the voice was not that of a child, but a man's, and the laughter was not laughter, but the high pitched barking of a small dog.

Riza sucked in a breath of air for the first time in what felt like hours. The blackness that had surrounded her erupted into sensation, and she felt the floor under her, her back against the wall, and two large hands on her shoulders.

"Riza!"

For just a moment, Riza was confused. It was the colonel calling her name, but he sounded absolutely panicked. She could still vaguely feel the tentacles wrapped around her, but her vision returned and displayed no sign of any shadow near her. There was, however, someone kneeling in front of her—and hearing the colonel's voice suddenly made a lot more sense.

"...Riza?"

Riza looked up from the floor, meeting Roy's worried eyes. There were no shadow tendrils around her. There was no monstrous voice. Realizing her hand was still at her throat, fighting phantom tentacles, she lowered it, exhaling deeply. The worry in Roy's eyes lessened ever so slightly, but his hands remained grasped onto her shoulders.

That was when she noticed the tears slipping steadily from her eyes. An immense wave of shame came over her, realizing the state her superior must have found her in: fighting invisible demons and terrified out of her mind. Nothing like this had happened since the war; sure, there was that moment with Lust when she thought Roy was dead, but at least then she was fighting something real while losing it. She hadn't fought against the demons in her own head in years, and while Roy was the person who knew best that she wasn't as immovable as she appeared to be, she still felt awful that he had to witness another breakdown.

"Hey…are you alright?" Roy asked.

Unable to make her voice work, Riza just nodded, averting her gaze from his. And because Roy knew her so well, he didn't push for her to explain just yet.

"When I got here, I heard Hayate barking and just had a bad feeling," Roy said. "So, I used your spare key."

Riza nodded again, slowly calming her breathing. "S-sorry…sir…" she finally gasped out.

"Breathe, Lieutenant," he responded, ignoring her apology. "In with me, out with me." Roy inhaled and exhaled slowly, watching for her to follow his lead. And slowly, with much effort, Riza began to match his pace. She closed her eyes, slowing her heart rate some for practically the first time since her earlier encounter. Once Roy was sure she had calmed, he removed his hands from her shoulders.

For Riza's sake, Roy tried to appear as outwardly calm as possible. He'd known when she'd answered the phone that something had happened, evident in the brief pauses between her statements and slightly strained tone. However, he hadn't been expecting to find her in such a serious state when he arrived; he hadn't seen her have such vivid "daymares" since Ishval. In all honesty, it terrified him. He could protect her from enemies on the battlefield, but not from her own mind. All he could do was call out to her and hope she heard him, eventually.

He also knew she would feel ashamed; she always did, no matter how many times he told her it was only natural to fear the demons of the past (and no matter how many times she told Roy the same thing when his demons emerged). It was hypocritical, but oh-so human.

As he contemplated what to do to help, Roy's mind wandered back to the night he had burned Riza's tattoo. When it was all over that night, he had made tea, and the two of them had sat together in relative silence—comforted enough just by each other's presence when words seemed fallible. He wondered if it would help in whatever this situation was, too.

"I'll make us some tea," Roy said, giving Riza one more firm squeeze on the shoulder before getting up. He walked to her practically empty cabinets, finding a tin of assorted tea bags. He selected a calming chamomile-based blend and turned on the stove top. When he looked back at the lieutenant, Black Hayate had climbed into her lap and she was petting him absently, still looking rather ashamed.

She noticed the feeling of eyes on her and forced her gaze to meet the colonel's. He still looked so concerned, and she felt awful about it. "...You really didn't have to come here, Colonel," she said quietly.

"I know I didn't," he replied, shifting from one foot to the other. "But I couldn't sit by while knowing something was wrong. It's my duty to look out for my team."

"And I you…"

"Right." He smiled a little. "I know when I'm in need, you'll be there for me. So when you're in need, allow me to be there for you." Roy set the filled teapot on the stove, slipping on a glove and striking it with some controlled flames, hopefully to jumpstart its boiling.

Riza closed her eyes, taking in a long, deep breath. Hayate nudged her hand, and she scratched under his chin, appreciating the animal's concern. "You're right," she acquiesced.

Roy turned back toward Riza, taking in how she was still sitting with her back pressed against the wall and body rigid. She was still on alert, albeit not as badly as when he got there; he wondered why she wouldn't relax if the danger was seemingly nowhere nearby. He crossed his arms, leaning back against the counter while waiting for the water to boil.

Behind him, the sound of a late-night traveler's car came closer, its headlights shining into the kitchen window and casting deformed shadows into the room. Riza visibly stiffened, somehow pressing herself closer to the wall as she watched the wayward projections. Roy saw her breathing catch again, and realized just in time that she was on the verge of slipping into another full blown panic.

Quickly, Roy dropped back down beside her. "Hey, Lieutenant, it's alright. It's just a car outside." Roy set his hands back on her shoulders. "Look at me. It's just a car."

Riza listened, looking at Roy even though every instinct was telling her to keep her eyes on the threatening shadows. Despite the apparent fear and worry in his voice, Roy's eyes were steady and sure. She anchored herself to that assurance.

It's just a car…it's just a car…

…But what if it's not?

What if it's that thing?

No…it's just a car…See, you can hear the engine.

…But…

It's okay…just focus on the colonel…

Riza exhaled. The last of the light from the window moved past, and the shadows stopped moving. It was just a car. It was probably just a car earlier, too. She felt so stupid for getting so scared, but grateful that Roy had never judged her, after the war or now.

On the stove, the teapot began whistling, and Roy looked at Riza one more time to ensure she was better before going to remove it. He poured the hot water into mugs and set the tea bags to steep. "Shall we move elsewhere?" he asked. "I can't imagine the hallway is a very nice place to sit."

A ghost of a smile touched Riza's face. "I suppose it's not."

Roy offered his hand, and Riza allowed him to help her to her feet. They moved to the tiny couch that came with the apartment, settling on its stiff cushions.

Riza held her cup of tea under her nose, inhaling its aromatic steam. She knew Roy still wanted answers about what had happened, and as much as she wanted it all off her chest, she couldn't tell. So, before he could ask, she answered. "I can't tell you."

He didn't need any more context than that, understanding immediately what she was referring to. He set his jaw; it was just what Armstrong had said after Hughes' death. I can't tell you. Someone was forcing Riza's silence, on the threat of her life. It couldn't be any less of a threat, because of how shaken up she was. Riza didn't get shaken easily; whatever had happened to her was unfathomable. He looked back at her, at the repressed fear in her eyes and the small cut on her cheek. It was so unjust, that someone could use their power to terrorize his subordinates—his family. It was just another reason why they needed to get to the bottom of this conspiracy and change things from the inside out.

"...I see," Roy said. They would figure out a way to communicate eventually, but right now, it was both too risky and too fresh in Riza's mind. "What can I do to help?"

Riza remained silent for a minute. "Nothing…" she replied, knowing full well he wouldn't believe that.

The truth was, there was only one thing that could help, but it was too much to ask (even if they'd both done it for each other on multiple occasions during and after the war).

"Do you need me to keep watch?" Roy asked.

…But of course he would know exactly what it was.

During those horrific days of war (and the nightmares after), the only way any soldier could feel safe was by knowing that another soldier was looking out for them. Having that security, knowing a trusted friend and ally was there making sure that nothing can harm you, was the only balm to terrifying vulnerability. Roy, and Riza, and everyone else they'd known in Ishval, understood that feeling. And they'd all taken turns, sacrificing their own rest for the sake of a dear friend who needed some semblance of peace.

But Riza couldn't just keep asking Roy for that sacrifice.

"I'll stay and keep watch," Roy said, decisive and firm.

"Colonel—"

He cut her off. "I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe, Riza."

And, with the usage of her name, Riza couldn't argue any longer. Because this was not just the duty of a superior to his subordinate, but a genuine act of love and care from one close friend to another. And, loath as she was to accept it, she knew she would do the exact same thing for him if the roles were reversed.

"...Alright."

Riza blew on her tea, taking a tentative sip. Her gaze still scanned the floor and walls every once in a while, searching for any sign of that beast from the alley. She could still feel the weight of its tentacles wrapped around her, but also its psychological burden, reminding her of just how outmatched and small she truly was. But with Roy beside her, willing to face whatever battle was coming their way no matter what, she felt a little less helpless.

this one feels a little disjointed to me but the thing with prompt-a-day fics is that you're not supposed to edit them to death cause you're supposed to be uploading one chapter a day so it's good enough haha