CHAPTER 10: Meet All of Me

Over the years, Gaara had witnessed Kankuro developing fleeting hallucinations that predominantly seemed to circle around his step-father, Baki Suna.

The recurring theme was the drunken adults that somehow kept ruckus behind the windows, or in the next room. By Kankuro's words, they had bad intentions, and he seemed convinced that Baki was somehow enabling the things they did.

No matter how patiently Gaara had tried to dissolve the false presumptions, nothing seemed to work. At night, Kankuro would pace around the house, angry and defiant, and Gaara would follow, trying to calm him down. Almost every time, he was able to get his brother to calm down, and under a weight blanket, Kankuro would be able to fall asleep with Gaara tightly next to him.

Never during those episodes would Kankuro try to hurt him. It was always the other way around, the brunet seemed adamant of protecting his little brother. Witnessing Kankuro's hallucinations frightened Gaara, and it reminded him of the dark times in his childhood and adolescence, when he had been dealing with his father's mental illness. More than once, he felt like he was a frightened child again, when he followed Kankuro around the darkened house, startling every time he would threaten the nonexistent intruders.

One night, Kankuro had calmly knocked on Gaara's door. "I need advice," he had said politely. With a nod, Gaara had expressed his willingness to help. In a calm voice, Kankuro had stated, "There's a man in my bed. I don't know where I can sleep."

Needless to say, those occasions always frightened Gaara in a special way. They had checked, and there was no one there in Kankuro's bed. "He must've left in the meanwhile," the brunet had only concluded, with a suspicious glance around the room.

Over the years, Kankuro had cut all ties with his step-father, Baki. In secret, Gaara had stayed in contact with him, knowing that his brother would not let him keep this relationship, if it ever got to his knowledge.

So, with excitement mixing with shame, Gaara jogged towards Baki Suna's shiny SUV. Smiling, he hopped in and sat on the luxurious leather seat.

Baki smiled back, and pulled off the parking lot. Despite hot summer weather, it was pleasantly cool in the car. Radio was playing harmless evergreens. Gaara leaned comfortably into his seat, and enjoyed the open road. If only his life could be like this every day.

They drove to Baki's place. It was a cozy, small house with a tidy garden, in a calm neighborhood.

In the living room, Gaara sat down on the couch. Baki followed suit, sitting right next to him, and took his hand. Gaara smiled shortly. Baki was a touchy-feely person, so unlike his biological father, Rasa Sabaku. In his isolated childhood, Gaara hadn't grown accustomed to hugs or physical touch. Only with Baki, had he learned to feel safe when someone touched him like this.

"My son… How are you?" Baki asked, squeezing Gaara's hand.

Gaara smiled shortly at the endearing term. "Better than ever. At work, my boss told me I've been doing excellent work, and that I'm one of the best employees they have."

Baki smiled widely. "That's my boy. I'm so proud of you."

Gaara smiled shyly. "And Kankuro is doing alright as well with his shoemaker shop."

"That's wonderful," Baki responded, until sadness pooled in his eyes. "He's been sending me those messages again. Last night, there were over a dozen of them. The latest one was sent at 4 AM."

"Oh… I'm so sorry," Gaara apologized, ashamed that Kankuro had been able to terrorize people even at night. They had slept side by side last night, and by midnight, Kankuro had calmed down. But maybe the brunet had woken up near dawn, while Gaara had been still asleep.

"Don't be sorry. You have nothing to do with this," Baki reminded.

"I know. But still… I wish I could make him stop," Gaara whispered. "This feels so absurd."

"Don't worry, I get it. And I want only the best for him, too. When your parents divorced, Kankuro was in a tender age, and Karura's daily drinking only seemed to make things worse. Heaven knows I tried to be a safe father figure for Kankuro," Baki said.

"I know. I wish I could've lived with you, too," Gaara confessed.

"It would've been amazing for us, too. Your father wanted to have full custody of you and your siblings, but your mother didn't agree with it," Baki sighed.

"Yeah," Gaara laughed painedly. "I just don't know why it was me who was left with dad. Did mom hate me, or something?"

Baki squeezed his hand and hugged him. Gaara loved to be consoled, and leaned his head on Baki's shoulder. It felt so safe. He had missed this feeling his whole life.

"From a young age, Temari was fierce and didn't let anyone walk over her. She tended to win the fights she had with her brother, and I noticed Kankuro began to fear her. Your mom wanted to keep a close eye on Kankuro, because she knew he had sadistic tendencies. She hoped Kankuro's ways could be corrected, if he had me as a role model," Baki explained.

"S-Sadistic…" Gaara trailed off, feeling dizzy.

But Baki didn't seem to notice the change. "She told me to keep an eye on Kankuro. And I did my best. Please know that I do love your brother as much as I love you, and Temari as well."

"I know," Gaara responded, trying to shake off the dizziness, "I—I love you, too."

Baki smiled. "I'm glad to see you've grown up to be such a good person. And you would've deserved a better childhood."

"I know," Gaara tried, and squeezed Baki's hand. "May my parents' souls rest in peace."

"Amen to that," Baki agreed, and pulled his hand off. "I'm grateful that we have a wonderful relationship today, no matter the hardships of the past."

"Me, too," Gaara smiled.

Before Baki started to make dinner, Gaara wanted to see the upstairs rooms, which had once belonged to Kankuro and Temari. Oh, how small the rooms felt now, when he viewed them through an adult's eyes again. And there was that large walk-in closet he and Kankuro had played in as kids. Curiously, he peeked in. It looked small, and the magic it had had all those years ago escaped him.

When he glanced out of the window, he saw the old playhouse. Frozen, Gaara stared at the chipped paint and darkened windows. The familiar feeling of cotton around his head emerged, soothing and protective.

Gaara sat down on Kankuro's old bed, feeling dizzy, and Baki sat right next to him again, pulling him into a sideways hug.

"What did you mean that mom said Kankuro was s-sadistic?" Gaara whispered.

Baki squeezed him fatherly. "She never elaborated. She only told me to keep an eye on him, and it seemed like she never learned to trust him. As if she was constantly suspecting him, and it looked like she was more strict and controlling with him, than what she was with Temari. I believe it hurt Kankuro's feelings, but he never openly stood against her. Instead, he took his anger out on me."

"Oh…" Gaara whispered.

"Kankuro knew I would not hurt him, so I believe that's why he felt safe rebelling against me," Baki said.

"What about mom?" Gaara asked, even if he thought he knew.

Baki sighed wistfully, and briefly patted Gaara's hand in a fatherly way. "Your mother had many compelling sides in her. Deep down, she was a good woman. Had her family been different, she might've had a better life. She wanted Temari, Kankuro and you to lead a good life. With my best efforts, I've tried to make her wish come true."

"And you've succeeded in it amazingly," Gaara thanked.

"That's wonderful to hear. I only wish I could've had a better impact," Baki whispered.

"Well, you can't heal every wound there is. It's enough that you did what you could. I will never forget it," Gaara smiled with gratitude.

Baki smiled back, and kissed the top of his head. "Now, let's go make some dinner. How does potatoes and meatballs sound?"

"Sounds lovely," Gaara accepted, and let his step-father lead them back downstairs.

After dinner, Baki went to fetch something from his room.

"This is for you," he said, and draped a gift bag to Gaara.

"For me?" he asked, perplexed and excited. "Ooh! You shouldn't have…"

There were gift cards for Spotify, Amazon and his favorite restaurant, as well as a new shirt, scarf and a vintage book.

"You found 'Premier Amour'… first edition!?" Gaara rejoiced, holding the thin book like a jewel.

Baki smiled, ruffling Gaara's hair. "I knew you'd appreciate it."

"Ohh, I love it," Gaara whispered, and inhaled the old scent of the pages. He could already smell the moroseness and long-lost hope that emanated from the story. "And these gift cards, and the clothes… I love them."

"Glad to hear it," Baki grinned, genuinely happy. "You deserve to have something nice for yourself, Gaara. Even today, I feel sorrowful that you were excluded from some of the things I could offer your siblings."

"It's in the past, don't worry," Gaara assured. He could still remember the photos Temari had shown him of their trips abroad, as well as Kankuro's stories about the museums and amusement parks they had visited.

"I want to make up for the years we lost," Baki said, and squeezed his hand.

"You're pampering me," Gaara knew, and caressed the silky shirt in the gift bag. "And you know I love it."

"Glad you do," Baki smiled. "Now, shall we head to the museum?"

"Please, yes," Gaara agreed, eager to see the exhibition of modern art.

"What's in the bag?" Kankuro wondered, when Gaara came back home.

"Oh, these? A gift from… Naruto," he said happily, showing him the gift cards, the book, and the clothes.

"Wow, he's got class. He even knows what kind of books you like," Kankuro was impressed, and chuckled. "Man, he's definitely worth keeping around."

"I know," Gaara hummed, with a spring in his step. "Naruto and I had a great time at the museum. Afterwards, we went to this amazing café."

"Sounds lovely," Kankuro was happy, and gave him a quick hug.

"How was your day?" Gaara asked, and caressed his brother's arm.

"It was average," Kankuro only said quickly.

Gaara looked at him prolongedly, at the way he busied himself with the newspaper, with the dishes, with anything there was. Lately, it felt like his brother didn't talk much about what was going on in his life. He always seemed busy. Secretive? Maybe being secretive was an exaggeration. Tight-lipped. That was it.

Wondering about it, Gaara let it be for now.

The next week at Kankuro's shoemaker shop, Kiba was scratching his head in the office. With a deep sigh, he went to the older man.

"Can I have a quick word?" he asked.

Kankuro followed him to the backroom. "What is it?"

Kiba glanced around, and crossed his arms. "Look. I've been going through the cashbook and the reports of this month. Things don't seem to add up. There's cash missing."

"So? It was used to buy supplies, so I paid for it in cash. Just write a document that explains it, and put your name under it," Kankuro told, and was about to go back to whatever he was doing.

"Look," Kiba stopped him. "I've been studying about business economics in the evenings from these books, and the thing is, I can't make a document like that to get you a tax deduction."

"Why not? Just do it," Kankuro shrugged, frowning.

Kiba shook his head. "No, bro, I can't. It's illegal. I could get in trouble. You would have to sign the documents yourself, if you want a tax deduction."

"No, it's your job. I'm paying you money, so you do it, just as I tell you," Kankuro ordered.

"That's not how it works. It's a bullet I don't feel comfortable taking for you," Kiba argued back.

But Kankuro seemed unimpressed. The calm look in his eyes was downright disturbing.

Kiba frowned, getting angry. "The police would arrest me for participating in a tax fraud. I could end up in jail!"

"So?" Kankuro shrugged, like it was no big deal. "There are friends in jail. They'll keep you safe."

Kiba was staring at him, mouth hanging open. He could not believe it. "I am not going to ruin my life and go to jail just for your stupid taxes, bro."

Now the look in Kankuro's eyes got grimmer. "What about the money? You'd rather keep your mother in pain?"

"I can get a better job than this, trust me," Kiba barked, his canines showing.

Kankuro narrowed his eyes in anger. "You've had plenty of time for that, yet you've achieved nothing. You stay here, you do as I tell you, and you get enough money to pay for the pills your mom needs. Is that clear?"

Kiba wasn't happy. "I am not going to jail over something like this."

Kankuro closed in on him, with a stern look. "White-collar criminals have it way easier behind the bars than, for example, sexual offenders, like rapists. They're the bottom cast, and trust me, you don't want to know what happens to them."

"I'm not a sexual offender, how dare you!" Kiba yelled, but Kankuro muffled him.

"Look, boy, I don't say you're lying. It's best for the both of us, that we forget this unpleasant conversation we just had, and get back to work. You keep doing my taxes, and your mom can live a painless life. If you happen to end up behind bars, I promise you my friends will protect you, and I'll take good care of your mom," Kankuro whispered.

"Mmf!" Kiba struggled to get free, but Kankuro didn't release him.

"Love, I promise you everything will be alright. We'll have a happy, safe life, as long as you do your part. You want the best for your mom, and I will ensure she gets it," Kankuro murmured. "I love you, Kiba. I would never put you in danger."

"Mmf?" Kiba seemed to calm down a bit.

"I know," Kankuro cooed, and kissed his head. "There are bigger fish in the sea than my scabby shoemaker shop. They don't have time to pay attention to small players like me, trust me. Besides, we have connections to the officials, too. There is nothing to worry about."

Kiba's eyes widened, and he sighed. Kankuro freed him, and smiled at him compassionately. "It's gonna be alright, my love."

"You promise?" Kiba breathed fast, fidgeting.

Kankuro caressed his cheek, and kissed him. "I promise. Tonight, I will cook something delicious for us, and you don't have to worry about an empty fridge ever again. If you feel unwell, I still have some of those calming pills left."

"Someone's in love," Gaara knew, as he glanced at Kankuro in passing.

"What makes you think so?" Kankuro asked, lazily sipping his coffee.

"Every other night you're gone, and when you come back, you have a bounce in your step," Gaara smirked.

"A bounce in my step?" Kankuro laughed, shaking his head. "A bounce in my step, he says."

"Yeah. A little roll in the hay can work wonders," Gaara teased.

"Now, your imagination is running wild. Maybe it's you who is craving for a little roll in the hay instead," Kankuro shot back.

"Maybe, but despite that, you don't come home at night. Who is it?" Gaara asked, staring curiously at his brother.

Kankuro sighed, sipping his coffee. "Just someone I met by accident. It's a long story."

"I have time for it," Gaara sat down, staring at his brother expectantly.

But Kankuro didn't seem too excited. "Nah. Off you go, you youngster. Let an old man enjoy his coffee in peace and silence."

"Aw, you're so cute when you blush. It's gotta be serious," Gaara teased.

"H-Hey, I'm not blushing," Kankuro defended, touching his cheeks. "And it's not serious. Leave me be."

"Oh, you're smitten," Gaara jeered, taking in every aspect of his brother's flustered reactions. "I'm so happy for you."

"Yeah yeah, quit mocking me, you fool," Kankuro smirked darkly, and ruffled Gaara's hair. "Off you go, now."

"Whatever. Oh, by the way, tonight I'll spend the night at Naruto's. And the upcoming weekend as well," Gaara informed.

"Well, good for you guys," Kankuro said, getting back to his coffee.

"Hello, it's me, hehe," Gaara smiled nervously, when Naruto opened the door.

"Gaara! Come on in," Naruto welcomed, but not as happily as Gaara had expected.

Nervously, Gaara searched for a hanger for his coat, while Naruto headed into the kitchen. Shyly following, Gaara held his hands behind his back, and his head hung. As he noticed that there was a mess again in the kitchen, he bit his lip anxiously.

"I can clean up and make us something nice to eat," Gaara offered, once again getting a phantom feeling of a ponytail and breasts. As unnerving as it was, he tried his best to not let it bother him visibly. He was about to start collecting the miscellaneous junk from the tabletop, but Naruto stopped him by gripping his arm.

With a look of innocence, Gaara gazed at the serious blue eyes, his mouth hanging slightly open. His submission seemed to dissolve whatever caused Naruto's perceived anger, and with an apologetic look on his face, Naruto let go.

"Look, I've had a rough few days," Naruto sighed, and rubbed his eyes. "At the moment I'm not very good company. I'm sorry."

"Ooh, no worries," Gaara comforted, holding Naruto's hand. "I'd love to make you feel better. We could order your favorite food, my treat, hehe! And maybe later, I could give you a massage, if you want."

"Sounds wonderful," Naruto admitted with a quick smile, but soon the tiredness settled on his shoulders again. "But I don't know if I'm up for it tonight."

Gaara looked sad, and his lower lip trembled a bit. "Is it because of me? Do you hate me? Is it because some of your messages weren't replied to?"

"W-What? N-No," Naruto was shocked. "I—I don't mind the messages, and I definitely don't hate you, Gaara - quite the contrary, actually."

"Oh… If you say so," Gaara calmed down, and let Naruto embrace him. "I thought you were tired of me, and wanted nothing to do with me anymore."

"Of course not, silly," Naruto whispered, and kissed the top of his head. "You have no idea what it's been like at work lately. A lot of drama. People yelling and resigning. It's worn me out."

"You need something else to think about," Gaara knew, "How about we watch a silly movie while we eat junk food in bed?"

Naruto chuckled, "You're resilient. Alright, I'll give in. Let's do it."

Watching the movie led to cuddling, and cuddling led to kissing.

"If you wanna tie me down again, I won't stop you," Naruto whispered with a daring glint in his eyes.

Gaara froze. "Um, eh. I—I don't feel like it today."

"You want me to tie you down, then?" Naruto murmured, and gripped Gaara's chin.

"Eh, n-no thanks," Gaara rejected, squirming under the piercing stare. The truth was, this feminine part of him wasn't into things like that, and in his current state of mind, he couldn't phantom how it was possible that such an act had ever happened with Naruto. What happened back then, didn't feel like something he'd do, and it caused anxiety in him.

"Why don't we do it just the regular way, handsome?" Gaara asked, caressing Naruto's cheek. The blond seemed to oblige, and kissed him.

This time, his bodily dysphoria got in the way. Ashamed, he asked Naruto to stop, pulling the blanket over himself.

"I'm sorry, today I might not be able to come…" he explained, blushing.

"Oh, it's alright. These things happen," Naruto understood. "If you want, we can try something else."

"N-No, it's alright. I'm just happy that you came, it's all the pleasure I want for tonight," Gaara responded.

"I would've wanted you to enjoy as well," Naruto said, "I love to see you come."

Gaara blushed. He wanted to explain, maybe Naruto would understand? Naruto caressed his cheek, and kissed the top of his head. The way Naruto gazed at him softly, made him feel like he saw his true soul, and her. Surely a connection like that was possible?

"Um… you know, there's something…" Gaara trailed off, feeling shy. Naruto's caresses encouraged him to continue. What if Naruto somehow knew already? What if there really was an otherworldly, soulful connection between them?

"You know, sometimes I just… feel like I was a… woman, you know… Gosh, I hope this doesn't sound crazy," Gaara whispered shyly.

"Oh?" Naruto muttered, his eyes wide. "You mean…?"

"You know, I get this feeling, that I'm suddenly her, and there are others, too. It's difficult to explain, it sounds crazy. B-But she really likes you, Naruto, she adores you," Gaara told. "A-And then there's this teenager, I know it sounds weird, but he's the eager one. And also there's one who looks like Modo from the Biker Mice from Mars, and he's the one who… tied you down. Also, the teenager sometimes looks like Vinnie from the Biker Mice from Mars, so…"

Naruto was gasping for words. "So you're saying that…?"

"That she really likes you," Gaara said. "She adores you, but being in this body makes her feel uncomfortable."

"So you're… trans?" Naruto concluded, frowning.

"Well it's not like that, it's…" Gaara trailed off. "It's a different thing."

Naruto looked at him seriously. "I want you, Gaara. I don't want a… m-mouse. I love your body, and I want a real man. And it doesn't make me feel comfortable that someone other than you would be doing it with me."

Now Gaara was speechless. Under the blanket, he felt bare and rejected. Suddenly it felt like there was no one in there, as if they had all ran hiding, and that it was just him alone, naked in the sheets with his longtime platonic friend.

"Let's go to the shower," Gaara suggested.

In the shower, Naruto was oddly quiet, and stared at him. "Do you feel like a woman right now?"

"No, I don't," Gaara muttered, wanting to tell him that it was just him, Gaara, with nothing but platonic feelings in his heart, and that there was no one there in sight who'd be viewing Naruto in that way.

After the shower, Gaara made up an excuse and packed his things and left.

At home, every room was dark and Kankuro was gone. It was near midnight.

Gaara sat on his bed, trying to read 'Premier Amour', first edition. He turned off his phone, he needed some distance.

What was odd, was that he felt nothing. Just a hollow echo without recognizable emotions. As he kept on reading, he sensed some movement within, as if a thought too flesh-like was walking through his brain, having a conversation with another thought that was not his.

Modo the mouse was recognizable, his leather jacket energy flared in the back of his mind. Modo seemed hurt, and he glared at the memory of Naruto with obvious disinterest. But what was odd, was that Gaara couldn't sense her around, at all.

When he tried to seek her out, all he got was a warning: a sinister flicker of someone who was cruel and protective. Quickly, Gaara got back to his book, as he didn't want that emotion to take over.

Dizziness slithered into his brain like a soluble poison, and he had to lay down. It wrapped him up in cotton, like a cocoon around a caterpillar. He was alone, and they were far away. It felt safe.

Again, he tried looking for her, just to know how she had taken it. Like a flicker of a flame, she filled up his head and grinned luminously, feeling immense joy and love for Naruto. But in the next moment, she was gone again, and in the darkness of his mind, Gaara was able to remember all the things Naruto had said. He didn't feel the hurt it had caused, even though it had to be there somewhere.

If only he could feel the hurt, he could try to process it, and move past it. But it was nowhere within his reach.

Shyly, he tried reaching out for his hurt that had to be lingering in there somewhere. He needed to feel it, but there was nothing there, as if the hurt had happened to someone else than him. He repeated Naruto's words in his head, thinking how it must've felt. As the idea of rejection crossed his mind, he frowned with a vile grimace.

Angrily, he gripped his pillow and swore that Naruto would be excluded from their lives. That man could not be trusted, and he would make sure that she or anybody else would never ever interact with Naruto again. It felt like she was protesting behind a door, but then they were draping a starry blanket all over her, and she went to sleep, unaware.

Hurt stabbed his chest like a dagger, and the sensation of rejection felt so pervasive, that he wanted to cease to exist. Life was nothing but suffering and misery, it had always been. From struggle to struggle, his rotten jollyboat sailed, and there was no end in sight.

He could not imagine how he had ever felt like a woman, or a teenager, or anybody else for that matter. All he knew was depression and despair, and as he should've known, of course Naruto would only offer him suffering in the end as well. How had he ever thought he would be an exception?

Paralyzed, he lay on the bed, boiling in pain.

Deep within, an idea emerged. Maybe it was his role in life, to be electrocuted with pain. Maybe if he carried all this suffering, then the him of tomorrow wouldn't know of it, or have to live with it. It was a slim silver lining, but keeping it in mind, he let the hot pain pour all over him and scar him to the bone.