Like every other species, felines were evolved. As a race and as a culture, they'd long since discarded the shackles of savage instinct. They had chosen to follow the higher path of enlightenment, and carried themselves with the kind of dignity that reflected that philosophy.
Then Wilde had brought that damned laser pointer into work and everything descended into chaos.
Although it had gotten a good laugh from the other officers, Wilde hadn't taken too kindly to the remark that foxes sometimes 'couldn't help their own nature'.
To be fair, Delgato had meant it as a compliment. Wilde had once again cracked an especially tough suspect in the interrogation room, employing his uniquely effective interrogation techniques to get all the answers he wanted without even having to raise his voice. It was always an impressive sight to see, and he'd only meant that Wilde gave credit to the reputation foxes had for being clever.
Despite his good intentions, there had been something in the fox's eyes that told him the praise hadn't be received as intended. He'd apologized right away, trying to pass it off as a bad joke, and Wilde had given him what might have been the least reassuring smile he'd ever seen.
"Don't worry about it, buddy." The fox had told him. "After all, instincts can get the better of anyone."
The lion should have known right then that he was in trouble.
It had started at roll call. The Chief had just begun the daily briefing when Delgato spotted...something...from the corner of his eye. Trying not to look obvious, he'd turned toward the window and tried to pinpoint what he'd seen.
Squinting, he could just barely make out a tiny point of red dancing across the surface of the glass. Though he couldn't quite tell which side it was on, he guessed it was probably on the outside. If it were inside then he'd be able to hear it, wouldn't he? That said, the mammals in the bullpen didn't seem to be reacting to it at all.
It had to be on the inside. Yeah, that made sense.
What if it's dangerous, though? Or some kind of listening device?
He could swear he'd seen something like it before, but he couldn't seem to remember where. He thought he should probably take a closer look. Just to be safe. It would be easy to just reach out and...
"DELGATO!"
Suddenly, the world snapped back into focus. Looking around in confusion, Delgato realized that he'd not only turned away from the briefing, but had actually left his seat altogether. By the time Bogo had shouted his name, the lion had been standing at the window and absentmindedly reaching toward the glass.
"Tell me, Officer Delgato; am I boring you?"
"N-no, sir."
"Well, then there must be something quite interesting happening in the bull pen."
"There was a... no, sir."
"Oh?" The buffalo raised an eyebrow. "THEN SIT DOWN!"
"Yes, sir!" He practically dove into his seat. In an effort to avoid the buffalo's angry gaze, he glanced over to catch sight of Wilde smirking at him. The fox held up a paw, waving a small laser pointer. He'd almost...almost...risen from his seat to throttle the smaller officer, but he could practically feel Bogo's piercing stare still on him.
Shaking his head, he took a deep breath and decided to let it go. He'd said something stupid; now he'd take his lumps like an adult.
Sitting rigidly at his desk, Delgato forced himself to take slow, even breaths. He'd been feeling unusually jittery since his embarrassing display during roll call, and had to keep reminding himself that it was just a laser pointer. He'd seen them before. Hell, he'd used them before. He knew there was nothing unique or interesting about them and certainly no need to get excited. He just needed to focus and ohmygodthereitis!
He slammed a paw down on his keyboard. The audible crack made him wince as a random string of letters and numbers appeared in the middle of the report he'd been working on.
This was ridiculous. Chasing a red dot was something a cub would be expected to do. He was an intelligent, mature adult – a police officer, no less – and refused to let himself be manipulated for Wilde's own amusement. He should not be a slave to such childish impulses.
What made it worse was that there was practically nothing he could do about it. He couldn't exactly go to the Chief and complain that Wilde was distracting him with a laser pointer, and threatening Wilde directly would certainly be seen as a huge overreaction to a minor issue.
With a low snarl, he reluctantly turned his head away from the red dot that twitched seductively across the surface of his desk. Practically stomping from the bull pen, he levelled an annoyed glare at the fox on his way out.
Coffee. He needed coffee. Changing course for the break room, he was shocked to turn the corner and find Officer Fangmeyer practically curled up on a bench, eyes closed and purring softly.
"Sofia!" He grabbed her shoulder and hauled her upright. "Wake up!"
"Wha...?" Fangmeyer blinked sleepily. "Jeez, Del. Where's the fire?"
"Where's the..." He gawked at her. "What the hell are you doing?! You can't just fall asleep in the precinct like that!"
"No, I was just..." The half-asleep tiger's explanation was interrupted by a yawn. "Sorry. Wilde said the union rep was looking for me. Told me I should wait for him here. I just...I dunno...got really tired all of a sudden."
"Hold on. Wilde told you to stay here?"
She nodded.
"Right here?"
She nodded again.
"At two-thirty in the afternoon, right when the sun hits the bench you were sitting on."
She contemplated that for a moment, turning around to peer at the shaft of sunlight she'd occupied only moments ago. As realization dawned on her, the tiger's expression slowly morphed from sleepy to indignant. "Oh, that little son of a..."
Judy was just trying to enjoy her lunch, but the half-dozen felines staring hungrily at her partner were beginning to make her nervous.
"Nick, stop it."
"Stop what?"
"Whatever it is you're doing."
"Eating lunch?"
"Nick, I'm serious." She leaned in closely, lowering her voice. "I mean whatever you've done to have two tigers, two lions, a jaguar and a lynx staring at you like you're their next meal. Either stop what you're doing or apologize for what you've already done."
"I've got no idea what you mean, Carrots." He assured her, licking his fingertips with satisfaction. "Want some melon?"
The short length of string jigged its way across the surface of Clawhauser's desk, to no reaction. Surprised, Nick popped his head up to stare at the spotted cat. Idly chewing a piece of salmon jerky, Ben stared right back.
"Nick, you and your string aren't the boss of me."
"Oh." The fox blinked. "Well, fair enough."
When Delgato saw Wilde next, approaching from the opposite end of the hall, the fox was practically radiating smugness. Just as they were about to pass one another, Delgato reached out, grabbed Wilde by the arm, and dragged him aside.
"Whoa! Watch it, big guy!"
"Wilde, this needs to stop." The lion ground out. "I'm sorry about what I said."
"I think I'll stop when I believe you're actually sorry." Wilde countered, narrowing his eyes.
"I am sorry, Wilde. It was a shitty thing to say, especially for a cheap laugh." Delgato sighed heavily. "But whether or not you believe that, this is between you and me. You shouldn't be dragging every other feline in the precinct into it."
Wilde seemed to consider that for a second, and tilted his head in acknowledgement. "I'll admit that I may have taken things a little far."
"Just a little. But I've talked to everyone, explained what's going on, and you won't have to worry about any of them coming after you."
"No?" He seemed genuinely surprised, if a little suspicious. "And why would you do that?"
He grinned toothily at the much shorter fox. "Like I said, this is between you and me. And I'd say you've tilted the scales a bit too far."
"Is that right?" The annoyance seemed to fade from Wilde's eyes, replaced by a kind of wicked amusement. "Well, good luck tilting them back."
Turning on his heel and sauntering away, the fox failed to notice that his phone had been relocated to Delgato's paw.
"Luck? I don't need luck, Wilde."
Nick didn't notice his phone was missing until he went to use his Snarlbucks app. Giving the barista an apologetic smile, he'd left the coffeehouse in annoyance and proceeded to spend the next hour looking for it.
He'd been certain he had it when he left his desk. Not finding it anywhere obvious, and having already checked the lost & found, he'd resorted to having Carrots call it repeatedly while he wandered the building listening for the sound of it ringing.
He was just outside the bullpen and almost ready to give up when his ears caught a distinct buzzing sound. The fox tilted his head curiously to one side, trying to locate the noise's source, until his eyes came to rest on a white sheet that had been haphazardly tossed over a few chairs. He must have dropped his phone at some point and it'd somehow ended up under the sheet. He'd just take a quick look underne...pounce on it...ath it to see.
Wait…what?
Nick shook his head, puzzled by the errant thought. Why would he pounce on it? All he had to do was lift the...Snow! It's under the snow!...sheet up and take a look.
He began to move forward but then the phone buzzed again, just to the left of where he'd heard it originally. He froze mid-step, cocking his head from side to side as he felt his ears twitch. It's going to get away! You can hear it so just POUNCE on it already!
He knew it was ridiculous but what if...what if it did get away? He'd been looking for it for an hour already! If he let it escape now, who knows when he'd find it again? He was vaguely aware that he was lowering himself into a crouch, the muscles in his legs and haunches tightening.
Do it. Doooooooooooo it.
There was a long silence, and for a second Nick was afraid the phone had gotten away. Then it gave another long buzz, and this time his sharp eyes caught a hint of the screen's glow through the white material. Got it!
Leaping upward, Nick soared through the air in a graceful arc and came down on the white sheet, snout first, with an audible thump.
"Aghhh!" Clutching his nose with both paws, he almost didn't notice an amused lion emerge from around the corner.
"Hey there, Wilde. I guess you found your phone?"
Nick rubbed his sore muzzle, angrily retrieving his phone from beneath the sheet and glaring at the larger officer.
"Sucks, doesn't it?" Delgato reached down to help Nick to his feet. Gesturing to the fox's nose, he held out a small package of tissues. "So, no more toying with instincts?"
Nick dabbed at his nose lightly, pulling the tissue away to peer at the spots of blood. "Given the circumstances, I feel I'm prepared to declare a truce."
"I'm glad to hear that."
Sitting calmly at his desk, Delgato thoroughly enjoyed being able to complete and submit his remaining paperwork without having to fear some kind of psychological attack. And although he wasn't about to say anything out loud, he took a small amount of satisfaction in having outfoxed an actual fox.
Like all felines - the epitome of civilized mammalian culture, in his humble opinion - he was a bringer of peace, defender of his kin, and once again the master of his own impulses.
Even if he found himself inexplicably drawn to the large empty cardboard box sitting in the centre of the bullpen.
Could he fit inside it? He could probably fit inside it.
Yeah, he could totally fit inside it.
Those of you with cats probably enjoyed this more than others.